Why Grown Men Struggle to Make Friends

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Transcript

00:00How did you find the men that you would call your close friends?

00:09Like, what did you look for in those people?

00:12I tried to find people that I could add value to.

00:16And I tried to always keep in check this sense that I'm not worthy to be in this conversation.

00:25So I know there's a common Instagram-y thing, like, find the 10 guys that you want to be

00:30one day, and you go see what you can learn from them.

00:34I think that turns every human interaction into an ROI, into a 401k.

00:38I'm going to put this in, and hopefully I get this out of it.

00:41And I think that's the death of true relationships.

00:44So the joke around here that's not a joke was, I had an 18-month ramp-up plan for this

00:52new job.

00:53I'd never been on the radio, I'd never been on podcast, I didn't know anything about this.

00:58I joined here late January 2020, the world melts down in March.

01:03And then just a few months later, Dave Ramsey's like, I hired you to help hurting people,

01:07everybody's hurting, we're going to figure this out on the air.

01:11So my first time on the radio was on the second largest radio show in America, okay?

01:18The very first episode, maybe the second one, he said something, and I don't remember what

01:22it was about, but I remember saying, that's not right.

01:26And you could feel the, and I didn't know enough to know, you don't tell Dave Ramsey

01:32on the Dave Ramsey show, that's not right.

01:34It started a great conversation, he loved it, the audience was like, who's this guy?

01:39But here's the most important thing, I wanted to add value to what I was doing, that's what

01:46I thought I got hired to do.

01:49And I didn't put my self worth into whether this other guy likes me, my wife likes me

01:56and my friends like me and my kids like me.

01:58And so I think when you are trying to find other men in your life, other women in your

02:03life, those that we want to hang out with feel the globbiness of, you know what I mean?

02:11They feel it instead of, nice shoes, man.

02:16And you might get some, but there will be a guy that's like, dude, that guy, like, that's

02:22my guy.

02:23Does that make sense?

02:25And so I think, where can I add value to something?

02:27Like, hey, let me help you with your yard, or I've got a neighbor who's doing a thing

02:31like, hey, let me watch your house while you're gone.

02:34He doesn't know me, right?

02:36But now he knows, oh, you're the kind of guy that offers to watch my house when I'm gone,

02:39right?

02:41Like, you're creepy, but also you're probably my guy, right?

02:42And so I think it's, how can you add value to somebody's life?

02:45And maybe the other way to say it is, just be a good person, right?

02:48But then the other thing is, you've got to just go be weird.

02:50Yeah, you've got to be friendly and then figure out, who do I actually want to be friends

02:54with?

02:55All right.

02:56I'll put you on the spot, okay?

02:57Just describe, doesn't have to be fancy, what do you want from another guy friend?

03:04What do you want the experience to be when you're hanging out with them?

03:07Yeah.

03:08So I've thought about this a good bit.

03:10I would describe good friends are friends that are going to risk the relationship for

03:14the good of the relationship.

03:16And the way that would play out is someone who's willing to make me feel uncomfortable

03:21for my good.

03:22Because at any point, if they make me uncomfortable, I can just up and leave and don't have to

03:28address it.

03:30But a lot of times it's those friends that are willing to do that, that I know are true,

03:34like very good friends.

03:37It's like friends that do that are rare, because not many people want to have those conversations

03:42that are going to make you good as a person or make you better.

03:45But the times that I have had friends do that for me, that in the moment, not appreciative

03:51of it, later on.

03:52Well, I'll just say real quick to that, the reason I asked that question is because now

03:56you know what you need.

03:58So now you know what you're looking for.

04:00And those friends are going to be very rare because you need a truth teller, someone who's

04:04very blunt.

04:05It's still true.

04:06But not everybody's comfortable with confrontation, because confrontation doesn't require anger.

04:10Confrontation is just simply, I'm going to confront what I see and what I hear, and I'm

04:14going to throw my point of view at it.

04:17So not everybody's comfortable with that.

04:19So as you begin to navigate relationships with other men out there, you ask enough questions,

04:25you're so inquisitive that you figure out pretty quickly, oh, this guy, he's not that.

04:30So if you're needing somebody like that in your life, you got to search them out.

04:33But the way you do it is not walk around going, hey, what's your level of confrontation?

04:37How do you feel about that?

04:39No, it's just, you're finding out, okay, where would some of those men be, by the way?

04:44But I also think you have to be the guy, you got to have the reputation of the guy that

04:50will tell the truth.

04:51Like I tell the truth.

04:53That's right, because you'll attract, I get what you're saying.

04:55Not like, I'm going to call out, I'm a guy who calls out.

04:58No, I'm just a guy that tells the truth.

05:00If I say something dumb, Ken will be like, that's absurd.

05:04And not because Ken's a guy that calls out friends, but it's like, Ken just tells the

05:08truth, which is why I love Ken.

05:09I know he's going to tell me the truth, even if it's different than what I think, right?

05:14But that's who you are out in the world.

05:15That's fair.

05:16So I think that idea there, it's-

05:18Yeah, and I just add one thing, sounds like you've done this before, but vulnerability

05:23and honesty is an attractive quality, and it's kind of getting to what you were saying,

05:27where you have to search out those people and have real relationships to find people

05:31that are honest.

05:34Vulnerability is honesty.

05:35That's right.

05:36But I think you have to flip that, and I got to go first.

05:39Yeah.

05:40I got to go first.

05:41A hundred percent.

05:42I wrote that down.

05:43I can't say that enough.

05:44And you got to do it enough.

05:45Not just go first, but keep showing up.

05:48So let's take someone as well-known and famous and powerful, if you will, as Dave is.

05:54My dad loves me.

05:56My wife loves me.

05:57I don't need that from him.

05:59What I need is a trustworthy boss, a trustworthy leader who's going to lead the company, and

06:04I need someone to teach me the ropes.

06:06I don't know how to play guitar, and now I'm all of a sudden on stage and he handed me

06:09a guitar.

06:10I don't know how to do this.

06:11And also, I happen to be by one of the most well-known financial minds of the world, so

06:15he's my-

06:16Right?

06:17And he needs me to tell him the truth.

06:18If he calls something on the radio, I'm like, I don't think that's right.

06:21And so there's this...

06:23I'm not afraid to be like, dude, I don't even know what you just said.

06:27And I didn't know enough.

06:28He would go through this long explanation of a mutual fund on air, and I'd be like,

06:31hey, could you say that?

06:33This is on air.

06:34Could you say that like I was a fourth grader?

06:37Because I don't really understand what you just said.

06:39Then they're like, dude, the audience loves that.

06:40Because sometimes it...

06:42And so I'm not scared to look dumb in front of him, because I haven't outsourced, please

06:46tell me that I've got value.

06:48That's not his job in my life, right?

06:50Which allows us to get closer and closer and closer.

06:52And now I consider him a great friend, and he's wise, and he's helped me with some really

06:55gnarly stuff in my personal life.

06:58But it's because I'm not scared to look dumb, right?

07:00But it's that going back to going first.

07:02But all of it works on a dominoes, that's because this stuff at home is okay.

07:06And that allows me to go out and be like, yeah.

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