This Is Worse Than Smoking 10 Cigarettes a Day

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00:00The U.S. Surgeon General under the Biden administration, this is a direct quote, widespread loneliness

00:10in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, costing

00:18the health industry billions of dollars annually.

00:21I would also say a little bit of research would yield that there's billions of dollars

00:24of productivity being lost in American companies as well.

00:27I would say hundreds of billions.

00:30Loneliness increases the risk of premature death by nearly 30 percent.

00:35And it's revealed that poor social relationships had a greater risk of stroke and heart disease.

00:44So people that just have very, very poor relationships, meaning nonexistent or the ones that exist

00:49are very unhealthy.

00:52That's unbelievable.

00:53The greatest cause of loneliness is often considered to be a lack of meaningful social

00:57connections.

00:59This was interesting.

01:00It went on to list several factors.

01:02I'm bringing this one up because one of them was transitions.

01:06You talk a lot about the digital stuff and the phones, and it was one of the main causes,

01:11which is, you know, we can just be distracted by all of our electronic and digital devices.

01:17But the one that stood out to me was transitions.

01:20A close buddy of mine is a psychology professor back in Texas.

01:24He asked a question one time, and it haunts me still.

01:28He said, what if we lived our lives every day like we couldn't move?

01:34What conversations would we have?

01:37How would we forgive?

01:39What little annoyances would we let fly by?

01:42But a conversation you and I have a lot, we've created this world that our bodies weren't

01:47designed to live in.

01:49We can all pack up and move.

01:51There's companies that'll come pack up and move for you, and your new company will pay

01:53them to do it.

01:56Everything's transitory.

01:57But we have to remember, dude, we have these little tiny bodies that were designed to live

02:01in small tribes forever and to go around.

02:05And if your body woke up and realized, let me say it this way, if your body recognizes

02:11you don't have anybody that you're all you've got, it would be failing you if it let you

02:15sleep all night because you're all you got.

02:18It would be failing you if it let you have a deep connected sexual moment, intimate time

02:23with your husband or wife, because it's not time for sex.

02:26It's time to not die.

02:28You don't have anybody.

02:30And then we blame, oh, you got anxiety, oh, you're not eating well, oh, you're like, all

02:38of this stuff, in my opinion, distills down to a brain that is screaming, you are all

02:44you've got.

02:45You have to be responsible for provision and security and rest and children.

02:50And your body says, we can't sleep because we're on now.

02:53And you can't do it.

02:54And one of those is you just pack up and move.

02:57That's one.

02:58So I was thinking about that.

02:59So meaningful connection, it's not happening because of a transition.

03:03So maybe you've moved across country or one state over or a county over.

03:08Then there's your kids change schools.

03:10I've been through that one.

03:12When you're a parent of a kid and you get locked into a school, there's community that

03:16you just become a part of.

03:18And then you transition.

03:19Now it's like, oh, and so Stacey and I went through that with, we had great community

03:24at our oldest son's school.

03:26Our middle son was there.

03:28He decides he wants to go to another school.

03:30He does.

03:31And I remember showing up the first couple of football games and we were just kind of

03:34like, Stacey and I together felt like, oh, I don't know anybody.

03:38We sat over here.

03:40So I'm pointing this out to say, if you're watching this or listening, and you're in

03:43a state of transition, maybe a divorce, whatever the transition is, I'm going from here to

03:51here.

03:53That jumped out to me, John, because I think we kind of look at the other culprits of lack

03:59of meaningful connections.

04:00That jumped out to me to make sure.

04:02You have to go first and you have to be weird and you have to treat it as serious as the

04:06pending stroke that it is.

04:08So what's that look like?

04:09Give us a real practical, pick a transition, go first.

04:13What's that look like?

04:14So I moved from Texas.

04:15I lived in Texas 40 years.

04:17And like so much so that when I told my family, my dad and my mom, and they lived a couple

04:23hours from us, so we were all pretty close, hey, I'm moving out.

04:26My dad had like a, you're moving out of Texas.

04:32I mean, it was that kind of like, hey, you know, Al Qaeda is waiting for you at the Oklahoma

04:35border and you don't leave Texas.

04:40And so when we moved here, it was priority numero uno.

04:46I have to have a couple of guys that I meet with all the time for breakfast, for going

04:53for walks, for lifting, for something.

04:54I have to have that.

04:57And I'll, here's another hot take.

04:59I don't think that's best at work because if you're best friends with the people you

05:06work with, that is so amazing until it's not.

05:11And if all of your human connection is at the workplace and one of you gets let go,

05:18one of you gets downsized, one of you gets demoted, one of you is a great friend but

05:23just can't do this particular job as it's more than you need to do it.

05:28You used to go to concerts together, you used to go to church together, your kids used to

05:32play together.

05:33Now you can't go to concerts.

05:34Now you can't go to the same church.

05:35It blows up everything.

05:36So it's good to be friends and colleagues, but you have to do the hard work of having

05:41friends outside of this place where you don't have to be on.

05:44You can say, I know it's inappropriate, but this is real funny, look at this, right?

05:49Where you can say, dude, my dad said he don't want me to come home for Thanksgiving.

05:54I remember distinctly one, two, three, four, maybe four jobs ago, having a hard conversation.

06:02I was working at a faith-based university and I was going through a gnarly season of,

06:06I don't think this is real anymore, I'm wasting my time.

06:09What I know now is a normal late 20s, early 30s guy trying to figure out what he believes.

06:16That hard conversation was honest and vulnerable and that guy told one guy, told another guy,

06:22ended up in a performance arena.

06:25And so my immature response was, I just didn't tell anybody anything for another 10 years

06:29and then I almost blew up everything in my house.

06:32So that's a dumb response.

06:33So when you go to a new place, you'll call the electrician, the electric company to turn

06:38your electricity on, you'll turn your water on.

06:40You have to then take it that serious.

06:44We got to start inviting people over.

06:45I agree.

06:46We got to go meet our neighbors.

06:47We got to go like, and right now there's a researcher out of Florida State, his name

06:51is Thomas Joyner and he is one of the most renowned suicide researchers.

06:59And he talks about a three-legged stool and there's been some debate about it, but when

07:03you're trying to do a suicide assessment, is this person actually going to hurt themselves?

07:07And we know about means, do they have an ability, do they have a bottle of pills, do they have

07:11a weapon?

07:12They have that.

07:13And there's multiple conversations, but here's the one that stuck out at me, perceived burdensomeness.

07:22When you get in your mind and in your body that those who love me would be better, the

07:27greatest gift I could give them is to not be here.

07:32Other people's lives would be better if I'm not here.

07:34And you want to go one step removed, look at the culture we've created overnight.

07:39If I called, not you, but if I called you at 11, it's like, hey, will you give me a

07:43ride to the airport real quick?

07:45Or you called me, my first thought would be to just Uber, right?

07:49I don't ask my neighbor for eggs anymore because I just Instacart it.

07:52I don't ask somebody to help me move, I just hire some guys.

07:56And so now we have created a world where we think we're a burden for everything.

08:02And that begins to weigh on, I'm not going to call him, dude, I'm not going to bother

08:07them with.

08:08Now we know the greatest gift I can give Ken is, hey, you got five seconds, can you help

08:12me think through this?

08:14The greatest gift I can get is when one of my buddies calls.

08:17If somebody calls and asks me to move, I don't want to be your friend, but other than that,

08:21that's the worst.

08:22There's got to be something.

08:23But to feel needed is like a core human need.

08:26And so we've taken that out and we have made it all a transaction.

08:29And so we're all walking around with this underlying low-level hum that we're, we bother

08:35other people.

08:36And it would be better if we just did this.

08:39And then we move.

08:40Dude, I'm not going to bother my new neighbor.

08:43You have to, or your body's going to implode on itself.

08:45It's just that simple.

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