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Transcript
00:00Sometimes I like to cover topics that I'm confident 90% of the planet has never even heard of
00:05and I know 100% of the planet does not care about.
00:09So buckle in, fuckle your seatbelt, this is going to be a bit of a wild ride for us
00:14because I find this to be such an interesting topic.
00:16It's about a movie that was not only so catastrophic and a box office disaster
00:22but it was so bad that a beloved director who's directed some hits
00:25like Die Hard, Predator, Hunt for Red October, Last Action Hero
00:30and then from the deepest, stinkiest part of his bowels
00:32he pooped out something so blasphemous and unholy
00:37that it completely ruined his career and he has not had a movie since.
00:43Kind of.
00:43He had like one other movie after this came out
00:46but it was already finished at the time from what I understand.
00:49But not only was it so bad that he has basically been excommunicated from Hollywood
00:54there was so much like espionage and conspiracy shit behind the scenes on the production of this
00:59that he also spent a whole year in jail.
01:02This is the story of Rollerball 2002.
01:06Show of hands, how many of you have heard of or god forbid seen Rollerball 2002?
01:11Put your hand down, I know you're lying.
01:12Don't you ever try to fib to me again, liars go to hell.
01:152002 Rollerball is a film I watched growing up that I thought was just the bee's knees.
01:19I thought this shit slapped.
01:21It's the remake of a 1975 film which is based on a book.
01:25And I thought it was amazing when I was a kid.
01:27And when I was talking about it on stream I was shocked to learn that most people didn't share that sentiment.
01:32It has a 3% on Rotten Tomatoes with many considering it the worst remake ever made.
01:37And for its time in the early 2000s was one of the most catastrophic flops.
01:41This was a bigger flop than my meat onto your mother's chin.
01:44This is a film that does have a bit of a sour legacy.
01:48And last night I decided to re-watch it for the first time in two decades.
01:53Holy shit this movie is incredibly bad.
01:56So before getting into how this landed the director in jail,
01:59let's go ahead and give you a review of the film.
02:01Now what I wanted to do is like play you clips from Rollerball and talk about it and joke about it.
02:06Kind of like how Danny Gonzales does it.
02:08But the last time I tried this formula,
02:11I ended up getting a strike on my channel from the Max Steel movie.
02:14So I don't know how Danny Gonzales gets away with it.
02:17Maybe he's made a deal with the devil.
02:18I haven't a clue.
02:19But I'm not gonna risk it again.
02:21So instead I'm just going to talk to you about Rollerball 2002.
02:25Now first and foremost I don't think it's a fun bad movie.
02:28It's kind of a slog.
02:29I think the intro, like the first 20-ish minutes is charming.
02:34Like actually charming.
02:36Because it's this perfect encapsulation of the late 90s early 2000s extreme era attitude.
02:43You know, fucking Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Vince McMahon in the hospital with a bedpan.
02:48You know, the Undertaker throwing Mankind McFoley off the top of Hell in a Cell.
02:53It takes that and it folds it into this universe
02:56where there's an extreme new sport called Rollerball.
02:59And I promise you Rollerball is the worst sport any human being is capable of cooking up.
03:06It's like an affront to imagination entirely.
03:09It is insulting.
03:11This is a sport made by someone that has never watched a sport in their life.
03:16So to sum it up, it's like this tiny mini golf-sized arena
03:22where you have two people on motorcycles.
03:25One for each team and then everyone else on rollerblades.
03:28And like a steel ball gets shot through and you have to pick up the ball.
03:31And you have to do like two figure eights.
03:34And then you have to jump up onto the rabbit hole they call it.
03:37Which is basically just a high diving board.
03:39So you jump up onto the rabbit hole and then you drop down.
03:42And then once you do that and complete that lap
03:45then you are eligible to score the Rollerball.
03:48Which you score by taking it and there's a giant metal saucer.
03:54Like a giant metal colander.
03:56And you take it and you throw it at it.
03:59And keep in mind the size of the arena is like the size of my room.
04:02And the extreme nature is there's motorcycles.
04:05I shit you not that's the only thing that makes it extreme.
04:09And of course you can like bump and hit people.
04:11I'm sure a lot of you have heard of roller derby before.
04:14It kind of borrows a lot of that DNA but then makes it 20 times as lame.
04:20So you have these men and women on rollerblades and on these motorcycles.
04:24And the whole thing is you do this and you do that
04:27to try and prevent them from doing two laps and then doing this.
04:30By far the worst part of this movie is having to watch them play that sport.
04:35It's about as extreme as me plugging my grandfather's nose when he was sleeping
04:39and then run away when he wakes up angry.
04:41It sucks.
04:42And it takes up such a large percentage of this film.
04:46It deserves the 3% for that alone.
04:49And it like it tries so hard to be cool and edgy.
04:53So it's got like the rock music.
04:54They have like a band on like it built into the sport too.
04:59And they'll play like the Rob Zombie.
05:00There's a slipknot performance in there.
05:02Pinks in here too.
05:04And it's just so lame.
05:08And they also try and just like put titties in here.
05:10So there's just scenes of boobies out like a bunch of breasts sometimes for no reason.
05:16But they even try and get quirky with the perkies.
05:18So they'll have like these breasts in like these almost futuristic sci-fi outfits.
05:24But it's sci-fi written by like the weirdo gooner.
05:27So like one of the scenes all the women have like this like military uniform on.
05:34But the nipple and areolas are cut out of it.
05:37So you just see like their nipples and areolas in the uniform for some reason.
05:43It's odd.
05:44The whole movie it really feels like it's made by the most uncool person ever
05:51trying to figure out what it means to be cool.
05:54And they just keep fishing around in the dark not finding it.
05:57I was just surprised I didn't see more trench coats.
06:00I saw tons of sunglasses.
06:02Just not nearly as many trench coats as I was expecting.
06:06But anyway.
06:07Most of the film you're watching rollerball matches.
06:09Which super fucking suck.
06:11You might as well just be watching like an ant farm.
06:14It's terrible.
06:15And it's filmed horribly.
06:17It's like 55 cuts just watching Jonathan Cross do this.
06:22On his roller skates.
06:24Oh man it is miserable.
06:28So the plot is about rollerball is the biggest sport in the world right now.
06:32It's making millions of dollars and the whole thing is the elites of rollerball
06:36want to keep people hooked on gambling with it.
06:39That's how they're making all of their money is through everyone gambling on rollerball.
06:42So they have to keep people's interest hooked.
06:45And the way they do that is by basically starting to purposefully rig the game
06:52to have people getting injured.
06:54To increase the stakes.
06:55Like the more blood the more the better kind of thing.
06:59And Jonathan Cross and his team they catch wind of this.
07:02And they don't like being killed.
07:06They don't like being treated like you know not athletes but instead just fodder for the ratings.
07:12Which conceptually is a decent idea.
07:14And I imagine in the book that concept is explored pretty well.
07:17It is not here at all.
07:19Also the main bad guy looks like Nosferatu.
07:22Now I bet you're wondering what does this movie do
07:25when it's not just showing you rollerball matches.
07:27And the answer is nothing.
07:30So Jonathan Cross is having a fling with the motorcyclist on his team.
07:38Fuck what is her name?
07:39I think it's Black Widow.
07:41Maybe.
07:41I don't I don't remember.
07:43But they're they're like in love with each other.
07:46But they're keeping it under wraps.
07:47Because Jonathan Cross is the face of rollerball.
07:50He is the Tom Brady of rollerball.
07:53And Nosferatu is basically rigging it so all of his team keeps getting hurt.
07:58To kind of force him to be like the angriest man in the sport.
08:00So people keep getting hooked.
08:01Like the superstar he's getting mad and now he's getting even more violent type thing.
08:05Now when they're not showing you the rollerball stuff.
08:08It's Jonathan, Black Widow and then LL Cool J's character.
08:13They're upset about you know like all of their teammates getting injured.
08:17Because like in one of them the opposing team was instructed by Nosferatu and the bad guys.
08:23To hit one of their teammates with the rollerball.
08:25And so they blast him in the jaw.
08:27He's like oh so they blast him in the jaw and then they start to piece it together.
08:31So then when they're not playing rollerball.
08:34They're they're trying to figure out how do we get out of this.
08:37They never figure it out.
08:39Eventually LL Cool J and Jonathan Cross try and make it across the border.
08:43They don't make it.
08:44LL Cool J gets sniped and just dies on the spot.
08:47In probably the most anticlimactic death I have ever seen in a film.
08:51Because he was like in a lot of the scenes.
08:53Because LL Cool J was a huge character here.
08:56And when he tries to make it to the border and Jonathan Cross is watching.
09:00Nosferatu just has his henchmen snipe him.
09:02He just goes all right now shoot him.
09:04So he shoots him.
09:04He falls off the bike and he's dead.
09:06They don't even have Jonathan Cross ever like mention him again.
09:09He is immediately forgotten.
09:12Entirely.
09:13There are so many scenes I would like to show you so we can laugh about it together.
09:16But like I said I don't want to risk getting a strike for fucking Rollerball 2002.
09:23So instead I'll just fast forward this review here because who gives a fuck.
09:26The movie ends with Jonathan in his final match.
09:29Where they decided Jonathan knows too much.
09:31He already tried to run.
09:32Let's give him his retirement match.
09:34Where they're basically just going to have the other team kill him.
09:37So they like sharpen their sticks.
09:38They have like these little scoopers.
09:39Like these pooper scoopers for the ball.
09:41I think they're for the ball.
09:42They actually never utilize them except for the final scene where they have these giant
09:45fucking q-tips that are sharp.
09:47So they start like slashing with it and Jonathan's bleeding.
09:49Jonathan starts just fighting them.
09:51The crowd's cheering.
09:52Jonathan!
09:53Jonathan do it!
09:54Jonathan!
09:55So he's fighting the other team.
09:56And then eventually he like overcomes the big roided out bad guy.
10:02Basically this world's bane he beats in like this 1v1 fist fight.
10:06And then even the other team starts to rebel with Jonathan.
10:08So they all fight back against Nosferatu and the bad guys.
10:11And Jonathan grabs the Rollerball and he does a flying dropkick through the glass.
10:16Hitting Nosferatu.
10:17And then he starts, he throws the Rollerball at one of the guys with a gun.
10:20He takes him out and then he goes and delivers the one-two buckle my shoe knuckle sandwich
10:25the other guy.
10:26Taking him out.
10:27And then he goes and he kills Nosferatu.
10:29And then one of the other guys that was Nosferatu's right hand is like,
10:33when you kill a tyrant you gotta make sure to do a deal with his successor.
10:36That's me.
10:38So he pulls out his gun.
10:39Jonathan says, I've got more work to do.
10:41So then he shoots him with a shotgun killing him.
10:44Roll credits.
10:45That's, that's how it ends.
10:47Pretty exhilarating stuff.
10:49Now, the movie's bad.
10:50Yes.
10:51Is it a 3% bad?
10:52Yes.
10:53Did it deserve its huge flop?
10:55Yes.
10:55Now let's move on to the most interesting part about this story.
10:59How did the director John McTiernan land himself in jail for this?
11:04And in order to tell that story, I need to set the stage a bit.
11:06Because the history of this Rollerball remake actually has a pretty tumultuous past.
11:12So initially the remake's script focused on the thematic ideas of the original
11:17and fleshing them out more and going deeper on it.
11:20However, John McTiernan didn't like that idea.
11:23He had titties on the mind.
11:24He said, nope, we're throwing this out.
11:26We need more melons.
11:27So McTiernan threw out that other script, wiped his whole asshole with it,
11:32and instead opted for a script that was far more straightforward
11:36and much more about mindless action and being sexy.
11:40That was like the big thing.
11:43And when they did it for test screenings, it was not received very well.
11:47So in a panic, they re-cut the movie.
11:50They even redid the whole ending.
11:52And they Frankenstein together this PG-13 cut.
11:56Which I'm really surprised about because what I watched on Amazon could not have been PG-13.
12:02There were a lot of honkers out.
12:04I feel like maybe this version on Amazon is the original R-rated version.
12:10And what hit theaters was PG-13.
12:13I don't know.
12:13I haven't even bothered to look at that because who gives a fuck.
12:16But regardless, what happened is they did redo a lot of it for a PG-13 rating.
12:22And it bobbed.
12:24Everybody hated it.
12:27For obvious reasons.
12:28It's not a good movie at all.
12:30So with all of this turmoil internally,
12:33there was a big disagreement between the director, John McTiernan,
12:38and the producer, Charles Roven, about where this vision goes.
12:43And McTiernan became convinced that Roven was making an effort to sabotage his vision.
12:48So he turned to an infamous Hollywood fixer,
12:52which I guess is like, I don't know, the Pinkertons for Hollywood?
12:56I guess like a fucking assassin or something,
12:59named Anthony Pelicano to investigate Roven,
13:03to I guess confirm his conspiracy that Roven was actively working against him.
13:07So Anthony Pelicano wiretapped Roven.
13:10Also, he was apparently arrested by the FBI for countless guns and explosives in his office.
13:16According to the court, McTiernan hoped he would discover dirt on Roven,
13:21especially him speaking negatively about studio execs.
13:25When Roven caught wind of the scheme and retained an attorney to investigate,
13:28McTiernan repeatedly misled or outright lied to authorities during various investigations,
13:33depositions and hearings.
13:35And the repeated behavior shaped him into someone that the court deemed
13:38unwilling to take the matter seriously.
13:40And after multiple appeals and extensions over a period of seven years,
13:44the director was sentenced to one year in federal prison.
13:47He served most of the time in the facility,
13:49but was eventually granted house arrest for the final month.
13:52And since Rollerball, he's only had one movie come out called Basic,
13:56which I believe he had already done before going to jail for the Rollerball espionage.
14:05Meanwhile, Charles Roven is wiggling his finger
14:07to the tune of an Academy Award for Best Picture for his work on Oppenheimer.
14:12Looking like Roven took home the W from this whole Rollerball 2002 debacle.
14:18However, John McTiernan did just recently, like a week or so ago,
14:23make an appearance at a film festival where they were showing Last Action Hero.
14:28And from what I've read, he has wanted to come back to directing,
14:33but no one wants to work with him after what happened with Rollerball.
14:37I couldn't believe how deep the lore on Rollerball 2002 went
14:41when I made just an offhanded comment about it on stream.
14:44I don't even remember what brought it up,
14:46but I mentioned Rollerball and how much I thought the movie was cool or something to that effect,
14:52and then it turns out it has all of this under the hood.
14:56Fucking crazy.
14:57Also, the movie does super suck, so it does deserve the 3%.
15:01Do I think it's the worst remake ever made?
15:04I don't know.
15:04There's so many bad remakes these days, it's hard to say.
15:07But it is trash, that's for sure.
15:10I don't know if we'll see John McTiernan return to directing anytime soon.
15:13It has been over 20 years now, so I think there's a good chance that,
15:18you know, he might be suited for a comeback pretty soon.
15:21Especially with how desperate Hollywood is getting these days,
15:24I do think there is a chance we see him rise again,
15:26because he does have some of the most iconic late 80s, early 90s movies under his belt.
15:32So, I guess we'll see.
15:33But anyway, I just wanted to talk about this a bit.
15:35That's it.
15:35See ya.