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This is the greatest deftones concert of All Time
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00:00The title's not entirely accurate. I didn't soil my britches at the Deftones concert,
00:06it was immediately after it on the way back. But I was battling bubble guts for a while there,
00:12I was engaged in a war. My bowels had their own concert and it was a goddamn con squirt,
00:19I'll tell you that much. I debated even sharing this story because it's pretty yucky and
00:23embarrassing. But this is less of a story about shit trousers and more of a story about
00:30adversity. Like usually you shit yourself, that's the end of the story. There's not like a whole
00:36lot of lore to it. This had more plot development and more of a narrative than Snow White which I
00:42saw earlier today. So I'm just going to tell you the whole thing start to finish here.
00:46So I had a date tonight, going to the Deftones concert with me. I am a huge Deftones fan,
00:53probably my favorite band. I've listened to them since the early 2000s back when I was grinding
00:57Halo 2 nightly and I'd just play White Pony tracks until the cows came home. Love Deftones
01:04to this day and I finally had a chance to go see them in concert for the first time ever.
01:08I was pumped. So we drove out there, got to enjoy a great show. I'm not usually someone that likes
01:14to film anything when I go to like concerts or shows like this but I couldn't help myself
01:19when Change came on because it's actually just one of my favorite songs ever written.
01:31Not the highest quality recording but it's enough to jog the memory of it in my noodle up here so I
01:36can smile remembering it. So anyway we're at the concert, we're having a great time. She's a huge
01:42Deftones fan as well so everything's great. After like 45 minutes or so I got paid a visit from an
01:49all-too-familiar unwelcomed friend. The gurgle in my lower abdomen. I'm 30 years old. I haven't
01:56shit my pants since I was 14 which by most standards is a pretty late age to poop your
02:01pants. Not that it was a common occurrence back then for me or anything. That was just a series
02:05of unfortunate events. I was playing City of Heroes and I thought I could trust a fart but
02:09you never do that so I thought I was farting. Ended up just blowing diarrhea out my ass and it
02:14like splattered on my parents chair. It looked like the chalk outline of a corpse but made out
02:17of feces. I've told that story before, not that interesting. Anyway I think nothing of it I'm just
02:22you know I feel it coming on and I'm like okay worst comes to worst I'll just like fart during
02:26some loud moments whatever and there's so many people around us. I knew there was a very little
02:30chance she'd be able to trace the genesis of it. She wouldn't be able to pinpoint me as the one who
02:35farted unless of course she has a super sniffer like Scooby-Doo or something but I felt pretty
02:40confident. And I'm not much of a fart gambler in the first place because you never truly know.
02:45There's always any surprise that can pop up when you try and gamble on a fart so I was very cautious
02:51with it making sure not to take any big risks because you don't last thing you want to do is
02:55have a shardy party in there. But anyway it wasn't too bad it wasn't unbearable just enough to let me
03:00know that it was there it was present. Finished the concert an amazing show absolutely loved it
03:06had a wonderful time boner jams out the wazoo loved it. Still getting the bubble guts coming
03:13here and there but again not too bad. We get back to the car and that I entered a different universe
03:20there but my car cast a domain expansion on me and I had no counterplay. It became painful it was
03:27knocking and I was struggling to keep the door closed. Not that I was going to shit my pants or
03:32anything it was just like it was mainly just farts like I didn't even really feel like I had to shit
03:36but we're in such close proximity now I can't just be hot boxing the car right like I don't want to
03:40ruin the date that would have been disastrous. So like Dr. Strange I saw a couple different
03:47multiverses here I had a few options. One I could just white knuckle it and try and just raw dog
03:54this hour ride back and just try and just with all of my might holding on for dear life sealing my
04:01sphincter closed clenching my cheeks or two make an emergency pit stop. I don't think the strongest
04:08man on this planet could have actually endured for that hour so I knew my limitations I knew a pit
04:13stop was in the cards that was on the menu and it was just a matter of when. I didn't want to
04:18immediately like pull into a gas station because I feel like that might have been perceived as weird
04:24so I kept us cruising along for like 20 minutes or so and I am I am locked in. I am fighting a
04:31battle I started to sweat a little bit and eventually I floated the idea like hey we didn't
04:39you know we didn't eat at the concert it's been a little while let's stop at a gas station for
04:43some snacks everything else is closed. Yeah I guess we could have done like a diner or something but
04:47the only thing that came into my head was like a gas station quickly. She thought that was a good
04:51idea mission success I'm gonna get to shit my whole ass in there while she goes and gets a snack
04:57or something. Yee-haw. Problem is not too many close gas stations unfortunately so I'm trying
05:05to be a trooper and muscle through it but eventually something had to give. There there's
05:11only there's only so much a man can do in a situation like that so I did let out a fart
05:20and luckily it wasn't loud it was silent enough and then it was in the lord's hand
05:26was it gonna be a stinker or were we going to squeak by with a miracle
05:33it smelled like ass it smelled like unbelievable fucking turbo ass unfortunate is what it is
05:40sometimes the cards just don't fall the way you want them to there was like some construction on
05:46the road nearby so I decided I'll try it in in my desperation I threw up the Hail Mary I said man
05:51it smells terrible out here all that construction which obviously I don't think she's gonna buy that
05:56but it is Florida so sometimes you do get those rogue smells from like sulfur and all of that I
06:02figured it damage is already done I might as well try maybe she buys it maybe she doesn't but
06:08might as well give it a whirl anyway it's still beelining to the gas station
06:13and it's I'm I'm starting to feel that wasn't the driest fart I've ever had far from it even
06:21so now as we're still looking for this gas station I am in this internal conundrum
06:28did I just poop myself I had this is the sensation that's I haven't known for 16 years
06:35did I poop myself or is it just in my head now an answer that would elude me until we got to a gas
06:42station I couldn't possibly know without checking Schrodinger's butthole a classic conundrum the
06:49only indication would be a lingering smell which not not always the most accurate gauge time felt
06:56like it was moving slower like you know how you get into a flow state sometimes and it feels like
07:02everything around you's moving at a slower pace that's what was happening for me in this shit
07:07state so I don't even remember how much further it was after I I released that bit of gas after
07:15I broke some wind it wasn't that much further like maybe a mile maybe a mile and a half something
07:20like that but it felt like it went on for tens of miles but we finally got to the gas station
07:27we go inside and she goes to you know get some snacks and I tell her I'm gonna use the restroom
07:32and I get in there after like pseudo waddling my way there to keep my ass cheeks as closed
07:37as they possibly could like I looked like a roblox character moving towards that bathroom
07:42but I finally get in there and someone's occupying the stall there's one stall two urinals two
07:47urinals are open and there's a guy in the stall and I'm so mad I I don't know him it's not his
07:52fault he couldn't possibly have known but I am furious so I start knocking on the door pretty
07:57loud and he says yo and then I just feel so much shame I don't even respond to him instead I just
08:03farted I just I just felt so defeated I just let it rip I just like if this was a speed run I would
08:10have reset right there like I would have like just I would have turned the game off and walked away
08:15I was just so fucking mad so if I didn't shit my pants in the car with that fart I definitely did
08:22he stayed in there for probably like five or six minutes maybe a little more it was a long enough
08:28time that there's no doubt my date knew I was shitting which who gives a fuck I it doesn't
08:35matter at that point dude finally gets out of the stall and I go in there and it's just such a
08:41disaster there's poop on the the porcelain throne itself like not even in the bowl there's poop on
08:47the outside of the toilet and I I was just so mad I felt like this couldn't even be like reality
08:55anymore I felt like I was going through what guts did in berserk like this was my gordian knot
09:02I didn't have a choice though because if I didn't go in there and just shit my ass I couldn't have
09:08finished the journey home I like I know how people felt on the Oregon Trail now so I just I just went
09:14in like I felt like a different person at that point because most of you know I'm a huge hypochondriac
09:20like I would have run the other way but I didn't have a choice I wasn't going to like go to the
09:25ladies room because I feel like you know even if there's like a real reason for it like I'll
09:29probably get in trouble like a woman will hear me just blowing up the toilet and they'll run away
09:35screaming like there's a there's a dude in there shitting and then you know I don't know it felt
09:40like that was really risky so I just went in there on poop toilet and just started letting it rip
09:45and as I'm like face down just really mad shitting that's when I see it yep Hershey stain at some
09:54point there was a fart that was playing no games now it wasn't like a huge shit streak or anything
10:00we're not talking like reddit mod status of like a full shit streak but there was just a tiny little
10:05poops back there and I knew one of these mini prematurely released farts was packing a punch
10:13and I just I was so fucking mad I lift my head up and there's a goddamn glory hole and I took a
10:21picture of this because I felt like no one would believe me at this point with everything that'd
10:25been going on so I'll put a picture on the screen it's not a full glory hole it's like a pseudo
10:30glory hole like someone really had the the drive to do it but not enough tools so then we got like
10:36halfway through or I guess equally possible is there was a full working glory hole there but
10:42at some point management came in and put like a cork on the other side but didn't like fully fill
10:47it in with anything I have no fucking clue I'm not a glory hole connoisseur this is the first time
10:52I've ever seen any semblance of one in the real life but from everything I've seen in media I
10:58thought glory holes were supposed to be like in between the stall dividers or something this one
11:04faced like right next to the sink not like next to the sink like where you go to wash your hands
11:10if you were to turn to your left there'd be a glory hole right there and it was at like waist
11:14height so I feel like there's too many coincidences there too many coinkydinks for that not to be for
11:20the winky you know what I mean like it feels like that was probably meant to be a glory hole and
11:26maybe at some point it was in business like maybe it was a functioning one until maybe recently I'm
11:32not sure I don't know what else would have gone there you know what I mean like it's at it's at
11:37the the right height it's weird location though like I said because it's just pointed out towards
11:42where the sink is where you'd wash your hands after using the urinal but there's plenty of
11:46space where you could wash your hands and then put your dick in it if you wanted to I suppose I don't
11:50know but either way I got fucking poop britches I'm blowing up this toilet now there's a glory
11:57hole in front of me it couldn't be worse and also my date is in this gas station just idly waiting
12:05great concert though love the Deftones concert they really played their heart out they rocked
12:10the shit out of me it was it was a good time would have really preferred not to you know be a
12:18farty mcshark pants at the end of the night but it's what it is sometimes you know what I mean
12:24I did the best cleanup job I could with my with my boxers I finished my business
12:32then we went back so yeah just wanted to uh share this story that's really about it so yeah