Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 20 Victor's Other Family
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00:30Brownie?
01:00Brownie?
01:05I have my first college visit coming up.
01:22I get to stay overnight in a dorm, tour the campus, and spend 18 hours pretending my family
01:27doesn't exist.
01:28I actually skipped all the way to school today.
01:31I probably should have stopped once that passed the football field, but who cares?
01:35My body may have been stuffed in a trash can, but my mind was taking a shower with a college
01:39chicken.
01:40Come on, there's tons of reasons to go out with a guy like me.
01:43To make your dad mad, or your boyfriend jealous, maybe you just hate yourself, or have a sick
01:49curiosity.
01:50I don't know, I can't do all the work for you.
01:54I thought I at least had a chance with a fat ride.
01:57Did you actually call her that?
01:59Hey, I didn't make her fat.
02:05Who is that?
02:07That's Christy, she's the new narc.
02:09We have a new narc?
02:11What happened to Druggie Dougie?
02:12He got served divorce papers in history class.
02:15Oh, come on, she's so cute.
02:19She's a narc?
02:20Hey, papers?
02:22Anyone got papers?
02:23Hey, papers?
02:24Anybody got papers?
02:26Do you even know anyone who does drugs?
02:29Why are you asking me?
02:30I don't have any friends.
02:34But sometimes I do have brilliant ideas.
02:38Where are you going?
02:39Malcolm, I live in a world of what the hells.
02:45Oh man, I am so...
02:56Never mind.
02:58You can't do this to me!
03:04Dad's supposed to take me, not you!
03:07Malcolm, this is your first visit to a university.
03:10Your father and I talked it over and we both agreed this is a big deal.
03:15We don't want to blow it.
03:16If I come along, I can make sure that you don't say or do anything that you shouldn't.
03:21I can take a little of the pressure off you.
03:24Wait a second.
03:26You guys are talking about college for Malcolm and not me?
03:30I'm a year older than he is.
03:32Why aren't you taking me to look at colleges?
03:37Well, son...
03:41I'm just screwing with you.
03:42Relax.
03:46Dewey, dinner!
03:50Guess he'll eat it cold again.
03:53Please get knocked out.
03:59Bye-bye!
04:05Bye-bye!
04:08Bye-bye!
04:12Bye-bye!
04:19Bye-bye.
04:21What the hell are you doing back here?
04:36The pianos are for paying customers only.
04:39You're wearing out the keys.
04:43Daddy!
04:45I am not going to buy you a piano.
04:48You've never even had lessons.
04:50I don't need lessons. I already know how to play.
04:53I'm great. Look!
04:57That's very cute, Dewey, but we can't afford a piano.
05:02Do you know how close my company is to going out of business?
05:05They're selling our office furniture and forcing us to have desk buddies.
05:11Dad, you don't know me very well,
05:14but you couldn't have missed the fact that I'm having a horrible childhood.
05:18Now there's a chance for you to make it suck a little less.
05:22I said no. End of discussion.
05:25Now you're just going to have to find some other way to amuse yourself.
05:28I don't understand it.
05:44I told all of the guests about my hayride for lovers on Friday night,
05:48and no one signed up.
05:50Well, most of the guests have children.
05:52I mean, you can't just abandon them to go on a couples-only hayride.
05:55If we're only allowing couples, I will then dare.
05:59Dare is the solution.
06:02We will start a childcare center.
06:05Oh, Otto, I don't think...
06:07It will be wonderful.
06:09We will have foster contests,
06:11and I can show them slides of my childhood in postpartumny.
06:16They will love it.
06:17Otto, as great as that idea is, I wouldn't set my heart on it.
06:21These people came here to spend time with their families.
06:24They're not just going to dump their children the first chance they get.
06:30Can we leave them overnight?
06:38And the delivery's on time.
06:40Good.
06:41I've got a lot of hungry customers.
06:43Oh, hey, Christy.
06:45I didn't see you.
06:46Are you ready?
06:47I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised by how much ice cream I can eat.
06:51Look, Reese,
06:52you know, we got coffee,
06:54and we saw a movie,
06:55and we went skating.
06:57I thought hanging out with you
06:59would involve a little more partying.
07:03Don't you have, like, a friend,
07:05or maybe someone you know of,
07:07or someone you heard rumors about
07:10that could help us out?
07:12Hey, I've got to trust somebody
07:14before I party with them.
07:16You trust me, don't you?
07:18Not yet.
07:19But there must be some way
07:21a hot girl like you
07:22could get a desperate guy like me to trust you.
07:25Hey, why don't we go park by the river
07:27and see if we can think of something?
07:30I hope you weren't hunched over like that
07:32during your interview.
07:33And why didn't you tell them
07:34about your extracurricular activities?
07:36Please, how do you even know what I said?
07:38Did you have your ear pressed up against the door?
07:40You should be a little less concerned
07:42about what I did,
07:42a little bit more concerned
07:43about your own performance.
07:45And next time,
07:46say bless you when he sneezes.
07:48These people are looking for
07:49any excuse not to like you.
07:51All right, 2.30.
07:53You walked me to my dorm room,
07:54you chose my lunch,
07:56you tucked in my shirt
07:57in the middle of orientation.
07:59Now, will you please just leave?
08:01Why are you in such a hurry
08:02to get rid of me?
08:03Because I'm supposed to be
08:04doing this stuff on my own.
08:06I'm just here to make sure
08:07you do it on your own
08:08the right way.
08:12Hi.
08:13Are you Malcolm?
08:14Yeah.
08:15I'm Paula.
08:16And this is Andrea and Scott.
08:18I guess we're all
08:19going to be roommates tonight.
08:20Cool.
08:21Well, I'll put my bags, uh...
08:23Excuse me.
08:24You mean you boys and you girls
08:25are staying in the same room?
08:27Yeah.
08:28It'll be just like
08:29really being in college.
08:30There.
08:35Now we'll all have the same version
08:37of what happened here.
08:42That's exactly what
08:44I would have done, Lois.
08:45Yep.
08:46Camped out in the room.
08:48You didn't happen to take
08:49the oven timer, did you?
08:51I can't understand this.
08:53All week's stuff has been
08:54disappearing right from
08:56under my nose.
08:56Well, it's like I put
08:59something down
08:59and then it's just
09:00gone.
09:02No, it's not even
09:03anything worth stealing.
09:04It's as if someone
09:06is trying to make me
09:07crazy on purpose.
09:09Ah, you're probably right.
09:10I love you too.
09:12Bye.
09:16What the...
09:16Can I please have
09:32some more lemonade?
09:33Very wonderfully polite
09:35little boy.
09:37Please.
09:37Take a swing, kid.
09:39Come on.
09:40That's more moisturizer.
09:42Otto, none of the parents
09:44showed up for the hayride.
09:45All the kids are here.
09:46It's so weird.
09:47No one's answering
09:48their phone, so it went
09:49by all their rooms.
09:50They all have
09:50do not disturb...
09:51Oh.
09:56I guess I better go get
09:57a pep talk ready
09:58for housekeeping
09:58in the morning.
10:01You know,
10:02everything you do
10:03just sounds cool.
10:04I wish I'd...
10:05I've never been...
10:06Mom, what are you
10:07doing with my underwear?
10:09Get it all crammed
10:10up there in the corner.
10:11Wrinkled clothes are the
10:12sign of a disorganized
10:13mind.
10:14So then I took a
10:15guided tour of the
10:16Plaza de España
10:17and Barthelona.
10:18I'm not mispronouncing it.
10:20That's the way they say it.
10:21Barthelona.
10:22That is so interesting.
10:24I wish I was more
10:25interesting.
10:25Lois.
10:26You think you would be
10:27pretentious to use
10:28the word leisure domain
10:29in a conversation
10:30with the dean?
10:31What am I saying?
10:32Of course it's pretentious.
10:34I'm such a lackwit.
10:35Relax.
10:36If you can't be
10:37pretentious in college,
10:38where can you be
10:39pretentious?
10:40Really?
10:40So when I get to college,
10:42you'd be okay
10:42if I called myself
10:43Antigone?
10:44Of course.
10:50Alright, kid.
10:50Here's the deal.
10:52My name's Leland.
10:53More importantly,
10:54I'm the R.A.,
10:55which stands for
10:56Resident Advisor,
10:58which means I'm in
10:58charge of this floor.
11:00So you're going to have
11:01to keep the music down.
11:02Is it really that loud?
11:04Listen, guys.
11:07I can either be
11:07your best friend
11:08or your worst nightmare.
11:10Now turn the radio down.
11:12Is there a problem here?
11:15Who are you?
11:16I'm his mother.
11:17I'm supervising
11:18these kids
11:19in this co-ed room,
11:20which I cannot believe
11:21your school condones.
11:23You know, man,
11:24that's not what
11:25I'm here about.
11:26That radio is at least
11:27five dB above
11:29the approved noise level.
11:30I'd hate to have
11:31to confiscate it
11:32or move on
11:33to more serious
11:34consequences.
11:36You know what, Leland?
11:38I've been to college.
11:40I know exactly
11:41how much power
11:42and authority
11:43an R.A. has.
11:44Good night.
11:48Wow!
11:49Malcolm,
11:49your mom is awesome.
11:51I am so glad
11:52you brought her.
12:04This horn is from
12:04dad's van
12:05and this one's
12:06from mom's car
12:07and this one's
12:09from the ice cream truck.
12:11Dewey, what are you doing?
12:20Dewey, what are you doing?
12:22The spout fell down.
12:23I'm fixing it.
12:25Good boy.
12:26Listen, I talked
12:28with Mrs. Hittleman
12:28down the block
12:29and she said
12:30that if you want,
12:31you can use her piano.
12:32Thanks anyway, dad,
12:33but I found something else
12:34to amuse myself.
12:35Oh, well, good.
12:38Hey, have you seen
12:39my hair dryer?
12:40I swear it's like
12:41stuff is just
12:42getting up
12:42and walking off.
12:44Either that
12:45or someone's
12:46messing with me.
12:50Dad,
12:51I think I figured out
12:52what's going on.
12:54Somebody's sneaking
12:55into the house
12:56and stealing stuff.
12:58Probably punks.
13:00No, not punks, son.
13:03Just good kids
13:04who got lost
13:05along the way.
13:07Either way,
13:08they're going down.
13:14And then the priest said,
13:16those aren't my galoshes!
13:19Mom is actually letting me
13:21walk all the way
13:22to the vending machine
13:23and back without tying
13:24a string to my waist.
13:30Ha!
13:34This moment is almost
13:35as sweet as a candy
13:36you can't have.
13:40Wow.
13:41Denied candy.
13:43If I were 12 years younger,
13:44I guess I'd cry.
13:46What's going on out here?
13:49Oh, God, no.
13:50The snack bar is closed.
13:54You're denying my son candy?
13:56Mom, it doesn't matter.
13:57I'll just go down
13:58to the next floor.
13:59You said that vending machine
14:00is a privilege,
14:01not a right.
14:02If my son wants a candy bar,
14:04he can have a candy bar.
14:06You don't get to decide for him.
14:08I get to decide.
14:10Do I even need to be here
14:11for this?
14:11Since I'm the one
14:12with the key to the lock,
14:14I think I'm in charge.
14:20Come on.
14:21This isn't over yet.
14:24Mom, why don't you
14:25just put me in a diaper?
14:26One thing at a time, Malcolm.
14:27First, we're going to get you
14:29that candy.
14:33My parents,
14:34they just drive me crazy.
14:36I just need to ditch reality
14:39and escape sometimes.
14:41You know what I mean?
14:43Look, Christy,
14:50here's the thing.
14:52When I first met you,
14:54I was just messing around.
14:55But we've gotten so close
14:57that now,
14:58I really like you.
15:02I can't keep this up anymore.
15:04What do you mean?
15:05I'm not the person
15:06you think I am.
15:07I've been pretending
15:08since the day I met you.
15:10It's so hard even
15:11to constantly
15:12cover my tracks
15:13and keep my story straight.
15:15And I don't want to anymore.
15:17I'm tired of living this lie.
15:19Reese,
15:20I think I know your secret.
15:22No, actually you don't.
15:24But it doesn't matter
15:25because I'm done with it.
15:27I'm sorry.
15:35Did you get all that?
15:37Yeah,
15:38it looks like he's going straight.
15:41So if we're going to bust this kid,
15:43we better do it now.
15:46All Malcolm wanted
15:47was a candy bar,
15:49but Leland put a lock
15:50on the vending machine.
15:51We can't let him
15:52get away with this.
15:53I want to go on record.
15:55I hated him first.
15:57This would never happen
15:57in Barcelona.
15:59Why are Americans
16:00so immature?
16:01Why don't you just
16:02write an angry note
16:03or a missive
16:05after I get accepted?
16:07Look, Scott,
16:08you'll face jerks
16:09and tyrants
16:09like Leland
16:10all your life.
16:12The sooner you learn
16:13how to deal with them,
16:14the better.
16:15And no one's chances
16:16of getting into the school
16:17are going to be affected.
16:19He's going to hand over
16:20that key.
16:22How?
16:23I don't know yet,
16:24but there are plenty of ways
16:26to force people
16:26to do what you want.
16:28You can find something
16:29incriminating in their room.
16:31You can get dirt
16:32from a bitter ex.
16:33Or you can make
16:34a blanket accusation
16:35with absolute conviction
16:37and just wait
16:38for them to blurt out something.
16:40Wait.
16:42You use that trick
16:43on me all the time.
16:44No, sweetie,
16:45that's a different thing entirely.
16:46Now we've got to get
16:47Malcolm some candy.
16:49I guess they don't
16:51want to let go.
16:52Well, I guess I'll be
16:53cool and popular
16:54after college.
17:01Dewey?
17:07Dad!
17:07In here!
17:08Quick!
17:08What is it?
17:09I just saw someone
17:10sneak out
17:10with Mom's robe!
17:12Good eye, son!
17:13Halt!
17:18Halt, you damn pups!
17:27Everything is fine.
17:28Nothing in here
17:29but children
17:30enjoying themselves
17:31dancing and skipping
17:32like young dums.
17:34Come again soon.
17:36Otto, it's Francis.
17:37I have the DVDs.
17:38Let me in.
17:38We have a slight problem.
17:45You know how I wanted
17:46everything to be special
17:48for the children.
17:50So I went to the store
17:51and they got those cookies
17:53and then I saw
17:54this old-fashioned
17:56hard lemonade.
17:58I bought three cases.
18:00Hard lemonade
18:00that has alcohol in it.
18:02Yes, Francis.
18:03I said there was a problem.
18:05Oh, isn't the pineapple
18:11under the sea?
18:12I do!
18:13I do!
18:15Don't tell me
18:16to use my indoor voice.
18:19Why don't you use
18:20your indoor voice?
18:23I'm not just saying, man.
18:26We should totally
18:28have played it.
18:31Oh, my God.
18:33These parents trusted me,
18:35these little ones
18:36and I poisoned them.
18:40What kind of a monster
18:41am I?
18:42Otto, you made
18:42an honest mistake
18:43but everything's
18:44going to be okay.
18:45As long as the kids
18:46are in here,
18:47they're safe.
18:58Well, it's a little early
18:59for Christmas carols,
19:01isn't it?
19:02Leland, I think we got off
19:03on the wrong foot earlier.
19:05Obviously, this job
19:07is very important to you.
19:08Who knows where
19:09you could find another
19:10that commands
19:10respect and power.
19:13You know, it'd be
19:13such a shame
19:14if somehow you got fired
19:16and had to go back home
19:17where your older brother
19:18and sister
19:19get all the attention
19:19that you deserve.
19:21Do you really want
19:23to risk that
19:23for a 75-cent candy bar?
19:27You really have me pegged.
19:30Except for what
19:31you're forgetting is,
19:32the lower the stakes,
19:34the greater the thrill
19:35from the arbitrary
19:36exercise of power.
19:37If this was a
19:38one-cent candy bar,
19:39I'd be on the moon.
19:41I happen to be
19:42a control freak.
19:44If you get me fired,
19:45I'll just find
19:45some other job
19:46where I can be
19:47a control freak.
19:48Kingo's is looking
19:48for a night manager.
19:50Either way,
19:51I've already written
19:52negative evaluation emails
19:53of these kids
19:54to the Office of Admissions.
19:56All I have to do
19:57is hit send.
20:00She overloaded
20:02a wall socket, too!
20:05We're just like
20:06the Bulls
20:06in Camp Luna!
20:10Now you.
20:12Any freshman psych major
20:14can see it's obvious
20:15life didn't pan out
20:16the way you thought
20:17it would.
20:18So now to make up for it,
20:19you have to run
20:20your kid's life.
20:22I don't know
20:23who to root for.
20:25The simple truth is
20:26you're just too afraid
20:27to let go of the one
20:28thing in your life
20:29that may be a success.
20:32But hey,
20:33you don't have to
20:34take my word for it.
20:35Why don't we just ask
20:36the other mothers here
20:37and see what they think?
20:39Oh, that's right.
20:41There are no other
20:42mothers here.
20:45You just cost us
20:46for the electricity
20:46privileges.
20:47I can't do this.
21:04What?
21:04I wanted to help you,
21:07to take care of things
21:08for you,
21:09but you know what?
21:11I'm just not up to it.
21:12I think you should
21:14do this on your own.
21:16What?
21:17It's time for me
21:18to step aside
21:19and let you handle things.
21:22Malcolm,
21:23I know you can do this.
21:28Unless I miss a sarcasm.
21:30I think she meant that.
21:32I've actually been
21:33given permission
21:34to run my own life.
21:35well,
21:37at least get my own
21:38candy bar.
21:40But you know what?
21:42I want that candy bar
21:44more than I want
21:44my next breath.
21:47I have a plan.
21:53Malcolm,
21:54what are you doing?
21:56My plan?
21:58Get your foot
21:58out of the door.
22:00It's stuck.
22:00By the way,
22:06our magical group
22:07is having a sing-off
22:09against Jasmataz tomorrow.
22:11You should check it out
22:12before you leave.
22:15All right, Jamie.
22:20This will put us
22:21stopped in all the stealing.
22:24And your father
22:24is a reasonable man.
22:26But sometimes even he
22:28can be pushed too far.
22:29You don't?
22:31Poke the bear.
22:38Somebody!
22:39Somebody move!
22:42We have a warrant
22:42to search these premises
22:44without suspicion
22:44of possession of narcotics.
22:49Nice.
22:50Narcotics?
22:50What are you doing?
22:53Sir,
22:53we need you
22:54to just remain calm
22:55and we'll get through
22:55this as quickly as possible.
22:58Weren't you, Annie,
22:59Oakley and the School play?
23:01Yeah,
23:02but I wasn't very good.
23:04My stuff!
23:34Oh my god!
23:57All this time you were just using me to get to my dad?
24:01And all this time you were selling drugs and you never even bought us a DVD player?
24:08Get him out of here.
24:11Hey, Doctor Man. Must be great saving people all day.
24:22What do I do? Play kickball.
24:27They're going to have some spectacular headaches, but otherwise they'll be fine.
24:34Very good news. Thank you for coming out here, Doctor.
24:38I don't say anything about this. You don't say anything about the keys I left in your gallbladder.
24:44Deal.
24:47So what are we going to do about the parents?
24:49Come on, honey. It's time to go back to the room with your wonderful, wonderful father.
24:58Thank you so much. You saved our marriage. I almost forgot she was a woman. Let's go, son.
25:05Oh, Dad. You want to turn the volume down?
25:12It's not a total loss. When they took the door off the hinges, they discovered Leland had a hot plate.
25:18We all got to watch why they made him unplug it and put it in the closet.
25:21Don't worry about it, honey. Just be glad this was our safety school.
25:25When we go to Yale, I promise I'll be much more on top of things.