Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 20 Victor's Other Family
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00:00Conservative customers, so even though I personally don't have a problem with you two as a couple, this has to stop.
00:11Thunder, get back in your own stall.
00:14Dewey, I just found this letter, it says your school's going to have a father-son 5k raise, and it was in the trash.
00:34I wanted to save you the trouble of agreeing to do it, then coming up with a bunch of lame excuses when you don't show up.
00:41It's degrading for you, and even though I should know better, it's still slightly disappointing for me.
00:46Come on, I'm not that bad.
00:50Last week you missed my class performing an original one-act play that I wrote.
00:55Well, I was there yesterday when the mayor presented you with an award for it.
01:00No you weren't.
01:01Well, I saw every second of the video.
01:04Look son, I am going to be at that race.
01:08Okay, if you say so. I'll check.
01:11Mom, do you want to talk to dead grandpa's secret other family?
01:14What did you say?
01:15This lady says she's your sister and she wants to talk to you.
01:18Make it fast. I have a radio station in Hawaii on hold.
01:23Hello?
01:24Hello, Lois. This is Roberta from Manitoba. Your sister? Halfway. God, this is weird.
01:34Hi. Um, what's up?
01:38You know, your mom's lawsuit is over.
01:40I hope you know I didn't have anything to do with that. Please, I tried to talk her out of it, but she just wouldn't listen.
01:45And I'm so sorry she gave your phone number to those prisoners.
01:48Well, it's all water under the bridge.
01:51It's just, now that the court case is over, it just felt weird to have family that I didn't ever talk to.
01:58So, now I am. Talking. Not very well, apparently.
02:07God, where is my diet root beer?
02:12You drink diet root beer?
02:14I drink diet root beer, too.
02:17I'm telling you, Hal, it is uncanny how much we are alike.
02:21We both have five letters in our middle name.
02:24We both like movies about English ladies living in tropical countries.
02:28We have the same ring size, and we both hope to go skiing one day.
02:33Wow. Make sure I get the right one back.
02:36I wish I could come.
02:38Although, obviously, not as much as I want to go racing with Dewey.
02:43Right, sport?
02:45Wouldn't it be pretty to think so?
02:49Get ready for 21 hours of this.
02:52Reese, you put him in the seat face down.
02:58Hello?
03:00Oh, hi, Mom.
03:01I lost the case.
03:03They said I was never legally married to Victor because there were no documents.
03:08Oh, that judge had guts after what I mailed him.
03:12That's very sad, Mom.
03:13Not married!
03:14Victor came to my house and defeated each of my brothers in combat.
03:19The proof was the bite marks on his back.
03:23Mom, I really don't want to hear this again.
03:25My life is horrible.
03:26I can't think of anything but death.
03:29I thought I'd come down tomorrow for a visit.
03:32What?
03:33You want to come see us tomorrow?
03:35Party party for Jamie.
03:37Mother, that's a great idea.
03:39We would love to see you because tomorrow is Jamie's birthday.
03:43and there are going to be kids here and balloons and songs.
03:48I just remembered.
03:49Tomorrow I'm getting waxed.
04:01I can't ring the doorbell.
04:03That's too weird.
04:04You can do it.
04:05Canadian doorbells work just like ours.
04:08No, Reese.
04:09I mean, it's strange.
04:11These people have the same DNA as us.
04:14It's kind of spooky.
04:15Don't be so freaked out, Mom.
04:17There's nothing spooky about this.
04:24You must be Lois.
04:26And I bet that you're Reese and Malcolm and Jamie.
04:30I'm so glad you're all here.
04:32Come in!
04:33Come in!
04:34So, is Dad's other...
04:39I mean, is Victor...
04:43Is your mother here?
04:44Oh, yes.
04:45But she's really, uh...
04:47I certainly have come.
04:50Until I've had time to finish the cookies in my hair.
04:53It's just a mess.
04:55I...
04:58You look just like your father.
05:00What we're all thinking is...
05:06I don't care how uncomfortable this is.
05:09Give me a hug!
05:16Wow.
05:17Grandpa really went for old women.
05:21Jeans are weird.
05:22Reese and I are brothers and we're barely in the same species.
05:25But Jerome is my half cousin and we look the same.
05:28We stand the same.
05:30We're already talking like we're best friends.
05:32Malcolm.
05:33You're describing an ontology of modality that's completely consistent.
05:38As consistent as logicism.
05:41And he's funny.
05:44Hey, Malcolm.
05:45I'm gonna take your brother goose hunting.
05:47You're taking Reese hunting?
05:49Yeah.
05:50You know, he says he's never held a gun before, but...
05:52Boy, he seems like a natural with it.
05:54God, I hope the zombies attack today.
06:00So...
06:01How's your school?
06:02Okay, I guess.
06:03They've got me in this accelerated program.
06:05Me too.
06:06It kinda sucks.
06:07Yeah.
06:08It's great being so popular, but every group of friends you're in expects you to go to all their parties.
06:14Which is like physically impossible.
06:16Yeah.
06:17Impossible.
06:18Not to mention juggling homework, hockey practice, being president of the student body, and still trying to find enough time for your girlfriend.
06:27Oh, I have to call her.
06:29I'm clinging to a slight hope that she's imaginary.
06:33Hey, it's me.
06:34You did get the flowers.
06:36I'm glad you like them.
06:38If we were born so much alike, why is he so much happier than me?
06:43Were you talking to that cute girlfriend of yours?
06:46Wait, you know what?
06:47That's none of my business.
06:51Oh.
06:53Sylvia, Roberta, your house is so lovely.
06:57It's just beautiful, and everything is so fancy.
07:00Well, thank you.
07:02I can't take much credit for it, though.
07:05You know Victor.
07:06He loved to spoil us.
07:09Oh, look, the lake house.
07:12I think that's the summer we nursed a heron back to health.
07:17Oh, it's beautiful.
07:20Here's one of the tool shed.
07:22One time we killed a wasp nest inside it.
07:25Look at this one.
07:27You girls are dressed like hobos.
07:30Oh, was that a fun costume party?
07:33Yeah.
07:34Really fun.
07:36And long.
07:38Here's another one of Dad doing his pretend angry face,
07:43and you doing a pretend sad face.
07:46I don't think you guys are serious in one of these photos.
07:50That's us.
07:51Just a couple of kidders.
07:53You know, I can't get over how happy and friendly Dad looks
07:57in picture after picture after picture.
08:00Well, you know, Victor wasn't perfect.
08:03Sometimes he'd come home a little grumpy.
08:06But I'd sit him down, and we'd talk it out.
08:10And before you knew it, he'd be laughing and joking
08:14and giving the girls hugs and kisses.
08:17You know, I think I need a little fresh air.
08:26Boy, this is weird.
08:29I keep thinking about why things turn out the way they do.
08:34It's amazing how different your life could be if you just changed one person.
08:40Tell me about it.
08:44You know what else is strange?
08:49What?
08:50Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
08:54No.
08:55Everything's gone as quiet as a graveyard.
08:59Oh!
09:00Oh!
09:04Judith!
09:13No matter what you doing here.
09:15Oh, Mommy.
09:16I'd love you to come to my baby's party.
09:20Do you think I was born yesterday?
09:22I could spot lies coming out of your mouth since before.
09:25It had teeth in it.
09:27Lock the door.
09:32Oh, my God!
09:33Mother, she's inside.
09:34Lock yourself in the den.
09:35I'll call the police.
09:44Sir Lewis!
09:46Are you enjoying your collaboration?
09:50Looks like you sold your soul cheap enough.
09:53Coconut cake!
09:54From the woman who stole your father's fluids and made bastards with them?
10:01Mother, what the hell are you doing?
10:02Get out of here.
10:03The police are coming.
10:04Why?
10:05I don't even get to look at what was stolen from me.
10:08Where do you think she got this money?
10:11This couch was my trip to Paris.
10:14Look at this place where we lived like dogs.
10:17They were playing on grand pianos and eating with napkins.
10:22Why do you think you girls were so short and ugly?
10:26Victor fed you on beans so he could give his other daughter belly lessons.
10:30Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle.
10:38All right, it's a crochet hook.
10:41Listen to me, Chief Gay.
10:43I know about Victor's other pension.
10:48Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964.
10:55Manitoba family law says, as common-law wife, I am entitled to detention.
11:02I really don't know what you're talking about.
11:04The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
11:12Father, we will discuss this later.
11:15If you do not turn and leave, so help me.
11:17I will tear that wig off of your head and everyone will see your tick scars.
11:29It's not over.
11:31Canada is the greatest nation on the face of the earth.
11:37Hey, Grandma.
11:39I can't believe I've never been hunting before.
11:42Nature is so complex and beautiful.
11:45And bad at hiding.
11:47Never again.
11:49It was...
11:51It was...
11:53The horrible laughter.
11:55Thanks, man.
11:56I'm not going to need this anymore.
11:58Next time I want to make a little eye contact.
12:02Alright, the race is in two days.
12:04Let's get out there and practice.
12:06Where do we keep the sports bottles?
12:08Do we really need props for this charade?
12:11Hey.
12:13When did your mom get a fire extinguisher?
12:15Uh, Dad, you probably don't want to.
12:17Why would she hide this from me?
12:18No!
12:19No!
12:20No!
12:21No!
12:22No!
12:23No!
12:24No!
12:25No!
12:26No!
12:27No!
12:28No!
12:29No!
12:31No!
12:33No!
12:35Yeah, Mom.
12:36He found it.
12:38The doctor says two weeks.
12:40Bye.
12:41Bye.
12:44I have to admit, you almost had me fooled.
12:47I really thought you were going to come through this time.
12:50Dewey, it was an accident.
12:52Believe me, if I wanted to blind myself, there are a hundred easier ways I could have done it.
12:58Knowing that I let you down hurts much more than burnt corneas.
13:03And they hurt a lot.
13:06I hate breaking a promise to you, Dewey. I really do.
13:10That's the truth.
13:12I remember once when my dad told me he was going to take me to an air show.
13:18Jerome's amazing.
13:20He was born with the same brain as me, but he used it to become friends with the kind of popular, well-adjusted people who hate me.
13:28You're right.
13:29Nobody cares about student council.
13:31But I say, what's bad about getting together, planting a few trees, and making the school a little more pleasant for everyone?
13:40Wow.
13:41Jerome took something seriously and didn't get laughed at.
13:44It's like the triple Lutz of high school socializing.
13:51I'm glad it's him, not me.
14:02Why couldn't that be me?
14:05Hey, don't forget about tomorrow night. Karaoke party.
14:09You do karaoke?
14:10Yeah, you should come.
14:12Karaoke's not my thing.
14:14I mean, you can probably sing.
14:16No, I can't. I'm terrible.
14:18Then why do you do it?
14:20Aren't you afraid you'll look like a total idiot?
14:22Hey, if you're afraid of looking stupid, you'll never have any fun.
14:26He's forgetting about fun at someone else's expense.
14:32God, he's so much better than me.
14:35We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family.
14:40But you're absolutely right.
14:42Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension.
14:46And even if the other family isn't willing to sign her a lease, you would probably prevail in court.
14:54Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife.
14:57With DNA tests of children, leasing both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing.
15:03But I think you'd win.
15:05Finally, a Canadian winner, idiot!
15:10The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month.
15:14Canadian.
15:18And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses, it would all cost so much.
15:24I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years.
15:31Do you think you'll live that long?
15:33God, no!
15:35I mean...
15:37No.
15:38I'm really sorry.
15:44Look, just so today isn't a total loss, I'm gonna fix you up with a coupon for 10% off our elite wonder bristle.
15:51It's the brush I use.
15:52Okay, Mom, you tried. Let's go.
16:02No! We're gonna do this.
16:05What? Were you listening? He said you're gonna lose money going after this thing.
16:10I don't care. We're gonna get a lawyer.
16:14Do you really hate these people so much that you're willing to ruin yourself just to get even with them?
16:21It's stupid!
16:22He was my husband.
16:32Okay, here's your coupon.
16:35If there's anything else you need, feel free to give us a call.
16:39Just think of us as Victor's second family.
16:41Well, uh, third.
16:55Hello, Lois, dear.
16:57My mom's not here.
17:00Look, Sylvia, it turns out there is a pension. A tiny one. $40 a month.
17:07Is that all?
17:08Yes, and my mom's all worked up about it, and she's willing to waste all her money on a court fight to get it.
17:14Oh, dear.
17:16So, I was wondering if you'd be nice enough to just sign a release so she could have it.
17:21Oh, I don't see that ever happening.
17:24Goodbye, dear.
17:26But you people got everything.
17:28For my mom, this is all she's got.
17:31She's just looking for some way to feel connected to her husband.
17:34You mean my husband.
17:38This conversation is not over.
17:41Spread your tiny wings and fly away.
17:45And take the snow back when you do everything.
17:50Feel it, please.
17:51Oh, yeah, that's right.
17:52That's right.
17:54What I love forever is untrue.
17:58Oh, ha.
18:00A canceled check for dad's sister removal with your signature on it.
18:05Beautiful.
18:06Let them try and say that's not a marriage.
18:10And look the pig Victor got for my dowry.
18:16It might take a year or two, but we are going to get that $40 out of their eye sockets.
18:20Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:24You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor.
18:31You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, how are you?
18:37And that way people will think that you care about their feelings and then they might care about yours.
18:44What the hell are you talking about?
18:46I'm just trying to help you.
18:48I know you are, Vushka. I'm sorry.
18:52Just a lot for me to remember.
18:55You can show me more tricks tomorrow.
18:58It's kind of funny, huh, Mom?
19:01After all these years, you and I are actually helping each other.
19:04Well, if you live as long as I have, you get used to anything.
19:11What's that?
19:13That's the results of the blood test that Lori wanted me to take.
19:18This says paternity is genetically impossible.
19:23This says that Dad is not my father.
19:26I was 80% sure you were his.
19:34What?
19:36The very second Victor walked in the house, I dragged him to the bedroom.
19:41I guess his soldiers got outflanked.
19:44What?
19:46Mother, how could you do something like that?
19:49I was lonely.
19:51Your father had a lot of business trips.
19:55Now we know what his business was.
19:59Then who is my father?
20:01Oh, what do you want to get into that for?
20:07Warduga Gorski.
20:08The only interesting thing about him was he could walk up a flight of stairs on his hands.
20:16What about Susan?
20:18Is she Dad's daughter?
20:20Anything's possible.
20:22How could you lie like this?
20:25Sweetie, don't be upset.
20:27We can change this A to a B.
20:30The judge will completely buy it.
20:33Mother!
20:34I'm taking Jamie.
20:35I'm getting out of here.
20:41Dad, I don't want to.
20:42It's demeaning.
20:44What's demeaning about it?
20:50Dad, your right shoe's untied.
20:52See, do we?
20:53Teamwork!
20:55Runners, take your marks.
20:58Set.
21:04She's a brick.
21:05House.
21:06She's a brick.
21:07House.
21:09You're next.
21:11Jerome, thank you.
21:12Now I'm going in the house
21:18She's a brick house
21:32You're next
21:35Jerome, thank you
21:37I thought I was genetically doomed to be unhappy
21:40But you're my blood and you can be happy
21:42So that means I can too
21:44Hi
21:51Hello, Lois
21:52Can I pick him up?
21:55Talk to mom about her
21:57She's being stubborn and completely unreasonable
21:59Aren't you a cutie pie?
22:02You are
22:04I don't want us to have another argument, Lois
22:07We don't have to
22:07I have some news
22:09We did a blood test
22:11I'm not Victor's daughter
22:13It turns out I'm not related to you people
22:17At all
22:18But we're so alike
22:20I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
22:23You know what's even more amazing?
22:25It doesn't change anything
22:27Because no matter what, I know that I am Victor's daughter
22:33That horrible, deceitful, bitter man was my father
22:38He was my father when I was two
22:41And he locked me in the closet
22:43He was my father when I was eight
22:45And he got me drunk
22:46He was my father on my wedding day
22:48When he told Hal he could do better
22:50He was my dad
22:53You've got a funny little brain, young lady
22:59But if it makes you feel better, I'm happy
23:02Well, you know, the same way I know that he was my father
23:05I know that Ida was his wife
23:09Not technically, not legally
23:12But I know it
23:13And you know it too
23:16And that's why you hate her so much
23:19I don't hate, dear
23:21I'm Canadian
23:22Well, that's why you're angry then
23:24But the problem is you're angry at the wrong person
23:28It's not Ida
23:30It's Victor, your husband
23:33Who betrayed you both
23:35Who manipulated you both
23:37Who made you both feel like you weren't worth being the only one
23:41You hate him
23:43And you know what?
23:46He deserves it
23:47Funny thing is, I came up here because
23:51I thought Roberta and I were the same
23:53But it's you and my mother who are really alike
23:57I'll sign whatever you want
24:02Just don't ever say that again
24:05Come on, Malcolm, we're going
24:14I'm going to stay here with my cousins
24:15They're not your cousins
24:17Turns out we're not even related to them
24:19Now come on
24:27Look!
24:31Look!
24:32You're green here!
24:34I'm blue!
24:34Look, you're going to hear a lot of stories, none of which are true about some weird stuff
25:00happening in the woods.
25:01There could be some grainy photos, but my point is we should get over the border as quickly
25:05as possible.
25:06Let's go!
25:07Joey, please, I can't go up much longer.
25:13I did it!
25:14I did it!
25:15I did it!
25:16I did it!
25:18I did it!
25:19I did it!
25:20I did it!
25:21I did it!
25:22I did it!
25:23I did it!
25:24I did it!
25:25I did it!
25:27I did it!
25:29I did it!