Malcolm In The Middle Season 4 Episode 3 Family Reunion
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00:00Look, I want to be able to fit the van in the garage.
00:03That's the whole point of having a garage.
00:05You don't realize how complicated this is.
00:08How?
00:09Lois, I promise you, the van will fit in the garage.
00:30I think you owe me an apology.
00:37Yes, no, maybe.
00:41I don't know.
00:44Can you repeat the question?
00:48You're not the boss of me now.
00:51You're not the boss of me now.
00:54You're not the boss of me now.
00:56And you're not so big.
00:59You're not the boss of me now.
01:02You're not the boss of me now.
01:05You're not the boss of me now.
01:07And you're not so big.
01:11Life is unfair.
01:16Francis is home visiting with his wife, Piyama.
01:25It's been so nice around here since they came.
01:28Good dinner, Mom.
01:29Please, it's completely overcooked.
01:31You must really be hurting for some decent cooking.
01:36See? Mom's so busy being mean to Piyama,
01:39she doesn't even notice us.
01:41We've been getting away with murder.
01:43Hello.
01:48Oh, hi, Claire.
01:50It's my sister.
01:51Oh, God.
01:52I'm gonna hang up on her.
01:53No, Hal.
01:54Find out what she wants.
01:57So, what's up?
01:59Uh-huh.
02:00Family reunion this weekend for my dad's birthday.
02:03I'm sorry, Claire, but I'm having foot surgery,
02:06so we'll have to pass.
02:07No, Hal.
02:08It's been too long already.
02:09We should go.
02:10But you know what?
02:12My foot feels fine now,
02:13so I'm gonna cancel that surgery,
02:15and we'll see you Saturday.
02:16Wait a minute.
02:17They're inviting us only two days before we have to be there?
02:19Forget it, Hal.
02:20They don't want us there.
02:22But you can never be too careful with feet.
02:24Which is exactly where we should go.
02:27What am I thinking?
02:28I've already had foot surgery.
02:30Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.
02:32So what's Grandpa like?
02:39He's okay.
02:40But the rest of Dad's family treat Mom like crap.
02:43They're jerks.
02:44Rich jerks.
02:45And Grandpa's the richest of them all.
02:47And he loves kids.
02:49Just say and do what I tell you,
02:51and we'll be set for life.
02:52You're nuts!
02:53Look, it's too late for you and me.
02:55But Dewey's so young and adorable.
02:57Although we do have a narrow window to work with.
03:00You're gonna look like a freak.
03:02Sorry, so crampiama,
03:04this van really isn't designed to carry seven people.
03:07Oh, I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats
03:10and the seven seat belts.
03:11Uh, Francis, how's that ranch job treating you?
03:14Oh, great!
03:15Never a dull moment.
03:16In fact, last week I got to castrate a bull calf.
03:20What does castrate mean?
03:21Ask your mother.
03:23You know, I've always wanted to know
03:25how to castrate a bull calf.
03:27Tell me about it.
03:28Well, it's fascinating stuff.
03:31We use this tool called a birdizo.
03:33It looks like a giant pair of pliers.
03:35And the calf has to be restrained
03:37so that it doesn't kick.
03:39So once you cut off their blood supply,
03:42they shrivel up and are replaced by fat tissue.
03:46What a great story, Francis.
03:49You really made the last hour and a half fly by.
03:57Here come the clones.
03:58Pal, be nice.
03:59Hey, hey, hey!
04:01There's my kid brother!
04:03Hi, Claire.
04:04Hello, Tom.
04:06Pal, that shirt looks fabulous on you.
04:09Honey, isn't he looking handsome?
04:11He certainly is.
04:14Lois?
04:20Hey!
04:21Who's this?
04:22Your cousin Pete.
04:23Pete-o!
04:26What's this?
04:27Your dad's birthday present.
04:29We all chipped in.
04:30We?
04:31We're gonna chip in too.
04:33Oh, don't worry.
04:34We'll put your name with a card.
04:38Ah, come on.
04:39Let's get you inside.
04:40He must be worn out from that drive.
04:42Actually, it wasn't so bad.
04:44Nonsense.
04:45Look at those sweat stains on Lois.
05:00Wow!
05:01It figures this is the side of the family we never see.
05:05Meanwhile, the grandma who goes shopping in her bra
05:08visits five times a year.
05:10We can leave right now.
05:11Just get in the car and drive.
05:13Sandusky Caverns is just 40 minutes from here.
05:16Hell, relax.
05:17We can do this.
05:19I can't help it.
05:20I work myself in the knots whenever I have to face the Grand Patriot.
05:24Hi, Dad!
05:27Ah, you made it!
05:29Anybody help a little man out of the pool?
05:34I got you, Grandpa.
05:40All right.
05:42Yeah!
05:47No, Grandpa!
05:48What do you think that guy's for?
05:53His name is Francis.
05:54If you kill him, you don't get another one.
05:57Come on.
05:58Ah!
05:59Ah!
06:00Ah!
06:01Ah!
06:02Ah!
06:03Ah!
06:04Ah!
06:05Ah!
06:06Ah!
06:07Ah!
06:08Ah!
06:09Ah!
06:10Ah!
06:11Lois!
06:12Ah!
06:13Dewey!
06:14Goodness, you girl!
06:15I bet you don't even remember me!
06:19Yes, I do!
06:20You sang to me when I was sweeping!
06:23You remember that?
06:24Why, that's adorable!
06:25Well, it's so good to see you, Dad!
06:26I have to admit I was a little nervous about coming back here after so much time had gone by.
06:38I was expecting car trouble because it looks like you packed a spare tire!
06:42Oh, Malcolm!
06:43I understand they finally figured out you're a genius!
06:44What's your favorite subject at school?
06:45I don't know.
06:46History?
06:47History isn't.
06:48What do you think about the Civil War?
06:49I guess it's kind of interesting.
06:50Ooh!
06:51Have I got something to show you!
06:52There you two are!
06:53Hi, Amelia!
06:54Hi, Amelia!
06:55Hi!
06:56This reunion is going to be the end of the day.
06:57Oh!
06:58Oh!
06:59Oh!
07:00Oh!
07:01Oh!
07:02Oh!
07:03Oh!
07:04Oh!
07:05Oh!
07:06Oh!
07:07Oh!
07:08Oh!
07:09Oh!
07:10Oh!
07:11Oh!
07:12It's going to be the death of me.
07:13Feeding this many people every day, keeping track of all the kids.
07:16I swear I had to run the croquet tournament on Thursday all by myself.
07:20Tomorrow, we've got a pancake breakfast, a family photo at 3, a birthday dinner at 5, and
07:26gifts at 6, all with no one to take charge but me.
07:29This is what General Schwarzkopf must have felt like during Desert Storm.
07:33Oh!
07:34Lois, no one else is wearing a name tag.
07:40Get it!
07:41Hal, it's fine.
07:43Hey!
07:44Untie his hands and give him his pants back!
07:48You're the only grandkid I've let in here.
07:53These are my most precious possessions.
07:56Cool.
07:57Oh!
07:58Never mind that stuff.
07:59You don't want to waste your time with a bunch of guns.
08:04Take a look at this quartermaster's ledger books.
08:07This is where the war was really won.
08:11Take a look at this.
08:14Notice anything?
08:16Oh, yeah.
08:17The numbers don't add up here.
08:20What?
08:21In that column.
08:23The numbers add up to 1,286, but the total at the bottom says 1,179.
08:29I was just hoping you noticed how the S's look like S, but this is incredible.
08:35I think this quartermaster was skimming rifles.
08:40This is the kind of thing that gets your name in their Civil War quarterly.
08:45Good job, Malcolm.
08:47Let's see what else this guy was up to.
08:52I would never be massaged by a woman.
08:56I mean, you need that strength.
08:59When my body's in need, I want a man to really get in there.
09:05Okay.
09:06Just one more left.
09:11Boy, those kids have really taken a shine to Francis.
09:14He's not ready for kids, Piamma.
09:16Don't rush him.
09:17More cake, Lois?
09:19No, thank you.
09:20Don't be shy.
09:22I saw the way you scarfed down your first piece.
09:25Oh, I'm sorry.
09:26You're probably on a diet, aren't you?
09:35Dad?
09:36Have you seen the cookies?
09:37We have to talk.
09:39It's about Lois.
09:41Ever since we got here, the family has taken every opportunity to...
09:46Don't do it.
09:49Dad, don't do the face.
09:50What face?
09:51Oh, you know the face.
09:53Don't do that.
09:54I'm serious.
09:57Can I do voice?
10:01I'm not kidding.
10:03Then why are you laughing?
10:06No, no, no.
10:07I'm not reminding you.
10:09No, I'm sorry.
10:10I'm not kidding.
10:11I'm not kidding.
10:13I'm not kidding.
10:14I'm not kidding.
10:15I'm not kidding.
10:16What the hell are you laughing?
10:18Do it.
10:20I am worried.
10:21Ah!
10:23What is it?
10:25You have us...
10:29You have us...
10:33You have us...
10:35Okay, you want a story? Here's a story.
10:53It's called The Kids Who Couldn't Play By Themselves.
10:59We did some good work today.
11:01Tomorrow, we'll hit Grandpa with a good shit lollipop number right after breakfast.
11:06I wanna swim in the pool.
11:08You can swim in the pool when we own the pool.
11:11Nice saying that you're working with Grandpa, Malcolm.
11:13I have to admit, you're getting a lot of face time.
11:16But when he croaks, all he's gonna leave you is that stupid Civil War crap.
11:20Reese, you can have it, but I want it out of the house.
11:27Back off, Grandpa. He's ours.
11:31What?
11:32We've been working this guy for three years.
11:35And we're not about to let you waltz in here and snake him out from under us.
11:40What are you saying?
11:42It's a big house.
11:45Accidents happen.
11:47And then the little boy about your age was found hanging in the moonlight, strangled by his own intestines.
11:59And there was just enough life left in him to say,
12:03YOU'RE NEXT!
12:04Come out! He was lying! It was just a story!
12:16All I want is two seconds of honest human conversation with my own father.
12:29I mean, what is so awful about me that he has to distance himself with jokes and silly faces?
12:38Hal, you're not gonna make any progress if you keep personalizing other people's problems.
12:44We've talked about this.
12:46You just don't get it.
12:47How could you?
12:48You don't have any father issues.
12:50I'm blessed.
12:51There's gotta be some way to break this cycle.
12:54some way to make my dad let his guard down and engage me on an emotional level.
13:05Are you even listening?
13:08Sorry.
13:10Hal, the answer to this is simple.
13:13You just have to look at your life.
13:15Look at what you've accomplished.
13:17You have a good relationship with your sons.
13:21They can talk to you about anything.
13:23You have a wife and home and family.
13:26A lot of people would envy.
13:28You're past this.
13:30You think?
13:31Yes, I do.
13:34Hal, you're all grown up.
13:41What?
13:42I went to bed.
13:53Oh, that tears it, Lois.
13:55You know, I've been telling myself that everything's okay, but my bladder knew different.
14:00I am not leaving here until I've had this out with my dad.
14:04Hal, are you sure you wanna do this?
14:06Lois, he just sits by while everyone treats you like a dog, when they're not treating you like a servant.
14:12It's not that bad.
14:13Did you notice last night when you gave Helen your chair and she flipped the cushion over before she sat down?
14:21No.
14:22No.
14:30Why are we staring at a mall, Grandpa?
14:32This is a battlefield private.
14:34I'm not your grandpa.
14:35I'm Captain Atticus P. Fetherton.
14:38Commander of the Company A Cavalry.
14:43It's 1864.
14:45Cannonballs are flying overhead.
14:47Their nostrils curl with the smell of burning flesh.
14:52Can I get a yogurt?
14:55You're ravaged by dysentery.
14:56You don't want a yogurt.
14:58Edith, where are my keys?
15:00They're supposed to be in the key thingy.
15:02I can't trust you with anything.
15:04Now, there's Confederate sharpshooters on that ridge over there.
15:08We have to sit very still while we wait for our order, so they'll pick us off one by one.
15:13But-
15:14Very still, primate.
15:16More still than that!
15:27Isn't this great?
15:29Ah!
15:33I asked for these to be ironed.
15:35What is wrong with you people?
15:46Nice touch with the backward Z.
15:50You've got a real gift for this butt-kissing stuff.
15:53We are so in.
15:56What do you mean, we?
16:02Maya, you've gotta let us hide in here.
16:04These kids are-
16:05What's wrong?
16:06Oh, I forgot to pack my Grish shoes.
16:08I can't believe it.
16:09What am I supposed to do?
16:11All I've got are my sneakers.
16:13I'm supposed to take them off and run around barefoot like a hillbilly in front of these people?
16:17Mom, it's just shoes.
16:18Relax.
16:19No, Francis.
16:20It's not just shoes.
16:21You have no idea what it's like trying to please someone else's family and always coming up short.
16:27And would it kill you to dress up a little for a family picture?
16:36Oh, hey, Hal.
16:38You know, that Malcolm of yours doesn't handle the heat very well.
16:43Dad, we need to talk.
16:44This is serious.
16:45Well, I better put on my serious face.
16:48No, Dad.
16:49No faces.
16:50Look, unless we deal with this, you and I will never have a meaningful relationship.
16:55Our relationship is fine.
16:58No, it's not fine.
17:00There's a big piece missing.
17:03Oh, sure.
17:04We laugh.
17:05We have fun.
17:06But that's all we do.
17:07We just skim along the surface without talking about anything important.
17:12Do you understand?
17:15Let's ask Mr. Tickles.
17:17What?
17:18Do you have my Mr. Tickles?
17:20No, Dad, I mean it!
17:24Well, Mr. Tickles is a toy.
17:27We have to do this all the time when you're a kid.
17:32Oh, Mr. Tickles.
17:37It's almost picture time.
17:40Hey, this was fun, Hal.
17:43I'm glad you're still any better.
17:48No!
17:50Sourious!
17:51That's not where we keep the liquor.
17:58I'm not looking for liquor.
17:59I'm looking for shoes.
18:01For some reason, I forgot to pack my good shoes.
18:04And now I have nothing to wear with this dress that I rushed out to buy,
18:08so I would look nice for this family that thinks I can't do anything right.
18:14You know what?
18:15I have some extra shoes in the back of our car.
18:19I bet that might fit you.
18:22Really?
18:23It's the Black Jaguar parked out by the gate.
18:26It's unlocked.
18:31Really.
18:38Don't you guys want to be with your parents?
18:43My socks are itchy.
18:45Malcolm, I hear your sock itchiness, and I am glad you're telling me about it.
18:50You boys should know that I am here for you anytime you want to talk about anything.
18:55After we get this picture taken, I'm going to spend some time with each of you,
18:58because I am involved and into everything that's going on with this family.
19:03Where's your mother?
19:04Amelia!
19:06There aren't any shoes in your car!
19:09Are you sure?
19:10Okay, everybody.
19:11Big smiles.
19:13Cheese on three.
19:14One.
19:15Two.
19:16Three.
19:17Cheese!
19:18Okay, let me get one more real quick.
19:23Excellent!
19:24Thank you, everybody.
19:25You weren't in the photo, Lois?
19:35Well, I guess we can try to take another one.
19:39You know, if we can regather everybody, and if we can get the photographer back and talk to the caterers to see if they can hold off on dinner.
19:53Lois, where were you?
20:18Honey?
20:23Honey?
20:25Honey?
20:26Oh, God.
20:52Hey, is Lois going to help with the salad?
21:04Oh, God.
21:05More drama from that moment.
21:06Hmm.
21:07Nice.
21:18What are you going to do?
21:19We don't know.
21:21We never know.
21:29How?
21:31What are you doing?
21:32Taking a stand for my dignity.
21:36You've driven me to this, Dad.
21:38My wife is upstairs crying because of the way this family treats her, and it's got to stop.
21:43Uh-oh.
21:44Someone's a gloomy Gus.
21:51You never face up to any real problems, do you?
21:55You just think that if you make enough jokes, they'll all go away.
21:57Don't you see that through my entire life you've avoided dealing with me whenever I was going through a tough time?
22:04Really?
22:05This is beyond the pale.
22:07You never helped me when my girlfriend dumped me.
22:10When my dog died!
22:12Hey!
22:13When my best friend moved away!
22:15When I got beaten up at school!
22:18When I spent a whole summer crying and I didn't know why!
22:21What the hell?
22:22Stop that!
22:23If you haven't helped me while my family has been officially tormenting my wife to the point where I've had to avoid both them and you!
22:33Help!
22:34I haven't had a father for the past 15 years!
22:39Because you won't deal with anything!
22:49Okay, that's over my chest.
22:52I hope you heard it.
22:56I love you, Dad.
23:04I'll go get you a towel.
23:07One of the old ones, please.
23:13Alright, everybody ready?
23:15I was born ready.
23:17I haven't even heard it.
23:18Alright, everybody.
23:19We're getting ready.
23:20Ready?
23:23Ready?
23:31No!
23:32No!
23:33No!
23:34No!
23:35No!
23:36No!
23:37No!
23:38No!
23:39No!
23:40No!
23:41No!
23:42No!
23:43No!
23:44No!
23:46To take a while
23:48Cause if we're going out
23:52We're going out with time
23:54So we all jump around
23:58And we fall to the ground
24:01Like it's the last of the show
24:16We got to get out of there pretty fast
24:30For our own safety
24:31It was unbelievable
24:33We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle
24:37I am so very disappointed in all of you
24:42I don't care what those people did
24:44There was no way for you to behave
24:46Right, Hal?
24:48Yeah, you boys are on notice
24:50If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner
24:54Into a swimming pool again
24:55There will be consequences
24:58Dire consequences
25:00Guess we just kissed off a six-figure trust fund
25:04I told Grampy to hide me in the golf cart
25:07What?
25:09He still likes you
25:10Nice, we're back in the game
25:13Yeah
25:15Oh, Piyama
25:19Is that too much air on you?
25:24No
25:25Well, Piyama
25:26nosotros
25:27With family
25:28I am so good
25:29I am so good
25:30I am so good
25:31Here we go
25:32Let's go
25:33Come back
25:34We got to see what's here
25:34Oh, we just met
25:35We got to see what's in the game
25:36That's okay
25:37We can see what's in the game
25:37Okay
25:37We got to see what's in the game
25:38We got to get what's in the game
25:39We got to see what happens
25:39it Every time
25:40ritt
25:40We
25:43Aston
25:44We won't
25:45It
25:45But
25:47We got to see the guys
25:48We got to see what's in the game
25:49Unfortunately
25:49First
25:52Transcription by CastingWords