Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 20 Stilts
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TVTranscript
00:00To be continued...
00:30Two kids down, three to go.
00:31Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question?
00:44You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:54You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:07Life is unfair.
01:16So, there I was, innocently paying the bills, when I was suddenly slapped in the face by a charge for $45.
01:24It took me almost an hour to sniff out your little rat hole behind the refrigerator.
01:30Would you care to explain these?
01:33Hal, I'm sorry.
01:35Lois, we are poor.
01:38I thought we had an understanding.
01:40I know you're right, Hal.
01:43I just saw them in the store, and they're not real Christian Laboutines, they're just a cheap knockoff.
01:48I just wanted to try them on, just for a second.
01:52And then I saw them in the mirror, and they looked so elegant and glamorous, and I guess I just wanted for once in my life to see what it would feel like to be pretty.
02:02Oh, please, I invented that act.
02:10Everyone says they'll economize, but I'm the only one rinsing out baggies.
02:14I'm the only one splitting two-ply toilet paper.
02:17I'm the only one snacking out of bird feeders.
02:19Look at this.
02:22$18 for a three-minute...
02:26What the...
02:27Welcome to the hot fantasy sex line.
02:39What's your name, baby?
02:41This is...
02:42Are you aware kids call these numbers?
02:45Put some clothes on!
02:47Oh.
02:49Unskip the way, you people.
02:52Yeah, baby.
02:54Would you like that?
02:58Oh, you just love not responding, don't you?
03:02You're such a bad boy.
03:04Well, big spender, I can keep going as long as you can.
03:11And that slap shot you took totally turned the game around.
03:16Well, I wasn't aiming right for his mouth, but sometimes you get lucky.
03:20You guys are not going to believe what happened.
03:22I was at the college checking out the trees over by the sorority houses,
03:26and then this guy comes up to me and asks if I wanted a job.
03:31Experimental drug testing?
03:33He must have thought I was in college because of my binoculars and everything.
03:36Can you believe it?
03:37They pay people just to take pills.
03:40Why is anyone doing anything else?
03:42Reese, this is the kind of job they give to guys on death row.
03:45Yeah, and I'm totally skipping that part.
03:51Jimmy, get out of here.
03:52I have to...
03:54Francis, I am not going to ask you again!
04:03You tell me where you hid my pearl necklace!
04:06Somewhere you'll never find it!
04:08I have a hiding place so perfect, you could look for a hundred years and it won't matter!
04:12Your earrings, your necklace, your bracelet, all your meaningless material possessions you hold so dear, gone forever!
04:20Now I can go to military school knowing you're as miserable as I am!
04:24Because you'll never find it!
04:26Ever!
04:26The stash!
04:35Jimmy, why don't you...
04:36The stash?
04:37What about the stash?
04:38I didn't say anything about the stash!
04:41I think I heard you very clearly say the stash.
04:44We don't talk about the stash unless we found the stash.
04:48I didn't find the stash!
04:49Okay, but I suggest you remember our deal.
04:53If any of us does find it, we split Mom's reward three ways.
04:58Because we're brothers and we love each other.
05:08Malcolm, come on! We're going to be late!
05:10Alright, alright, I'm coming!
05:13Why aren't you wearing your smock?
05:15Because the longer I don't put it on, the longer I can pretend I don't work in that soul-killing, fluorescent tomb.
05:21As shocking as it may sound to you, I don't actually like stocking wart cream and telling eight-year-olds which diapers leak the least.
05:30Thank you, Mother, for getting me a job so I don't have to be a bum on the street.
05:35You're welcome.
05:36Can I open the door for you after everything you've sacrificed for me?
05:39Boy, that's very thoughtful of you.
05:41You really gotta stop being such a snob.
05:43There's pride in doing anything well.
05:46I'd rather you were the best toilet scrubber in the world than a slapdash Supreme Court justice.
05:52And how about showing me a little gratitude?
05:54There's nothing embarrassing about working at Lucky A's.
06:01Listen to your mother.
06:03She's a beautiful, foxy lady.
06:07Uh-huh.
06:09Okay, everything looks great.
06:15You're young, you're in excellent health.
06:17You're a perfect candidate for this study.
06:19Now, one last question.
06:22Are you taking any other medications?
06:24Of course not.
06:27Of course not.
06:30Of course not.
06:33Of course not.
06:36Of course not.
06:40Billing, can I help you?
06:41Yes.
06:43I've just spent the last half hour trying to explain to you people.
06:47You cannot charge me $800 for a phone call I never agreed to.
06:52This is wrong and unethical.
06:55You're absolutely right, sir.
06:57We're bad.
06:59What?
07:00We've been very bad, and we need to be punished.
07:03What would you like to do to us?
07:05I don't want to do anything to you!
07:07Whatever you want, big boy.
07:08You're the one paying for this call.
07:13Malcolm!
07:14Malcolm!
07:16Did you hear the news?
07:18They fired Sam the stilt guy.
07:20Word is he puked into the sunroof of the boss's El Dorado.
07:24This is bad, Malcolm.
07:25Really bad.
07:26Bad?
07:27He's been coming to work drunk for 20 years.
07:29I meant bad for me.
07:31This means they're paying attention.
07:33Sam was my canary.
07:35Now my work has to speak for itself.
07:38Don't say I never listened to you, Malcolm.
07:41I had to lobby hard for you, but you're replacing Sam.
07:47It's 30 cents an hour more.
07:48You get to work outside and wave to all your friends.
07:55This is so sweet.
07:57I'm going to make $2,500, and all I've got to do is swallow 300 pills a day and sneak Jamie's urine into a cup once in a while.
08:06Calanil.
08:08Fragacet.
08:10Suppository.
08:11These taste the worst.
08:12Okay, Jamie.
08:23Can you help your favorite brother find the stash?
08:28Remember this?
08:30The necklace?
08:32You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
08:34Do you know what I'm talking about?
08:37Oh, my God!
08:41What are you...
08:42Can you show Dewey where you found this?
08:47Sure you can.
08:49You show me where you found this, and we can ride our ticket with Mom.
08:53We cut Malcolm and Reese out.
08:55It's just you and me.
08:58Is it in the bathroom?
09:07Mom's underwear drawer.
09:09Of course.
09:10You should never think of looking for it here.
09:12It's probably a false bottom or something.
09:15What are you doing?
09:23God, look at the dump this guy lives in.
09:28It's not bad enough I have to take his job.
09:30Now I have to take his stilts from him, too?
09:32Those stilts are company property, and it's our responsibility to get them back.
09:36It's nothing personal.
09:39Off of the stilts, Alky!
09:41No, no, please don't do this to me!
09:43I love my job!
09:45Malcolm, you gotta help me!
09:47Sam, I'm sorry.
09:48I feel really terrible about this.
09:50Don't drag this out, Malcolm.
09:51You gotta crush him like a bug.
09:53It's kinder that way.
09:54You're a ghost, old man.
09:56No one can hear you.
09:58Malcolm, please.
10:00Just tell them you won't do it.
10:02Then they'll have no choice.
10:03They'll have to take me back.
10:05Please.
10:06I'm begging you.
10:07I'm Uncle Sam.
10:09Please.
10:10I have nothing else.
10:11No family.
10:13No friends.
10:14This is my life.
10:16Please.
10:17You want me to kiss your ass and call it ice cream?
10:20I'll do it.
10:22I'll do it.
10:24It's ice cream.
10:26That's delicious ice cream.
10:28You know who has delicious ice cream?
10:31That gas station down on Cedar.
10:33Smells a little funky, but...
10:35Malcolm, please.
10:40Please.
10:41Sam, I'm sorry.
10:43I'm sorry.
10:46Please.
10:46I'm really, really, really, really sorry.
11:07Please.
11:08Please.
11:09I'm sorry.
11:11Please.
11:12I'm really sorry.
11:14Please.
11:17Give me liberty or give me death.
11:25Two cockroaches, bleed, and ticks.
11:28Lucky eight bug bombs, only $2.49.
11:32Two years ago, I was thrown out of the locker room completely naked.
11:36Compared to now, that was a moment of pride and quiet dignity.
11:39Four score and seven stool softeners for a price of six.
11:46How you doing, honey?
11:47The manager says he hasn't heard you announce the Lucky Leader specials all morning.
11:53Who cares about the special, Mom?
11:54All right, if you want me to get on a ladder and do it with you.
11:58It's a grand old sale.
12:02It's a hot flying sale on an exciting personal hygiene product that's new.
12:08See, it's fun when you get into it.
12:12If your jock has a rash and you want to save cash, there's a star-spangled ointment for you.
12:21Crap.
12:26I'd kill myself, except they'd run that picture in the paper.
12:30Sorry I'm late, big guy.
12:34Hey, where's the stopper for your pee hose?
12:44Hey, man.
12:45You don't look so good.
12:47Do you want to try some of these experimental drugs?
12:49What's all this stuff?
12:51I'm supposed to chart my progress in these journals.
12:54You know, blackouts, hallucinations, routine stuff.
12:58You're lactating?
13:00Not all the time.
13:02Usually it just comes out in little sticky bubbles.
13:05Hey, would you fill out a few of these for me?
13:08My hand isn't writing down what I tell it to anymore.
13:11I have to go shave my feet again.
13:15Jamie, where'd you go?
13:16You were supposed to let me follow you.
13:19I just turned my back for a second.
13:25How'd you do that?
13:27Jamie, come on.
13:29Do you have any idea how much this means to me?
13:32Okay, what do you want?
13:43Okay.
13:44I'll get you the pony.
13:46But first, you have to show me the stash.
13:53Fine.
13:53Pony first.
13:54Oh, Dewey, I need your help.
14:01You're always skulking around, listening in on everyone's conversations.
14:05Do you have any dirt on your mom?
14:06I need something really big and awful.
14:10I did something bad, so I have to find something that she did bad.
14:14Then I can confess what I did, and it won't seem like such a big deal.
14:18Sorry, Dad, but I don't just stash away in for me.
14:20Stash.
14:21You found the stash.
14:23You and me, partners.
14:24We cut everyone else out.
14:25No, no.
14:26I didn't find the stash.
14:29Okay, okay.
14:30Are you sure she's not having an affair?
14:31Because that would be perfect.
14:33Sorry, Dad.
14:34I think she loves you.
14:35Damn.
14:36If I can't do the you did bad, I did bad thing, then I gotta do the I did bad, you get a big
14:41expensive present thing.
14:43Never get married, Dewey.
14:45If you want kids, get your eggs from the state.
14:54Mom, what are you doing?
14:56I was in the middle of a game.
14:58Do you want to explain why I found circled want ads sticking out of your backpack?
15:02Yes, I do.
15:03I'm not interested.
15:05You are not finding another job.
15:07Huh?
15:08No, I...
15:09You are not getting a job away from my constant supervision, and that's it.
15:13I am not going to risk your future by giving you even a second of freedom.
15:16This family has too much invested in you.
15:20Oh, cheer up.
15:22Once I find a proper wife for you, you'll have your precious space.
15:28Hi, yes.
15:29Do you have a pair of Christian Laputine's red open-toed slingback, size 8 1⁄2?
15:34Not the knockoffs.
15:35The real thing.
15:38You do?
15:38Good.
15:40Now, I'm in a situation where money is no object, but...
15:45How much?
15:45Would you put a pair of sign for me, please?
15:59Oh, what?
16:02Right.
16:04Yeah, we'll make a nice surprise.
16:08Hello?
16:10Reese?
16:11Reese, you gotta help me.
16:15I don't want to take drugs anymore.
16:18Oh, jeez.
16:20Okay, Reese, I want you to tell me very specifically what kind of drugs did you take?
16:26All of them.
16:28Dude, didn't you learn anything from when my friends babysat you?
16:32Remember Richie trying to dry off in the oven?
16:35I don't know how it happened, but I think I did something bad.
16:41I don't know what to do.
16:44Reese, I want you to listen very carefully.
16:46You're gonna be okay.
16:47I'm gonna talk you through this.
16:49Now, the first and most important thing you have to do is...
16:54Okay, Jamie, I need you to focus.
17:09You got your toy.
17:10Now, take me to the stash.
17:13Here?
17:35Do we have to dig for it?
17:36Jamie, come back.
17:47You can't just go into someone else's house.
17:55Get back here.
17:57Come on, Jamie, hurry before someone sees you.
18:02I'm not kidding.
18:04You're gonna get caught.
18:05See?
18:06That's the ringleader.
18:08They've been stealing stuff from my house all week.
18:11Every two years, they have another baby, just so they can fit through the window.
18:20Hal, what are you doing here?
18:22Is everything all right?
18:24Not yet, but it will be.
18:26As soon as you put these on.
18:31Are you crazy?
18:33If loving your wife is crazy, then I'm a drooling lunatic.
18:38You deserve the moon and the sky, Lois.
18:41Maybe someday I'll be able to buy them for you, but for now, these will have to do.
18:48Oh, Hal.
18:52I accidentally spent $800 on phone stacks.
18:56I was doing my makeup in the rearview mirror, and I ran over your golf clubs.
19:13I burned a hole in your favorite dress.
19:16You didn't get that promotion because I called your boss a fat ass at the Christmas party.
19:25It's me.
19:26I lost my wedding ring three years ago.
19:30This is part of a lawnmower.
19:33Your aunt Lucy isn't angry with you.
19:38She's dead.
19:39I just forgot to tell you.
19:44I've read that the Chinese invented stilts so they could survive among panda bears.
19:49Of course, that was before they built the gray wall.
19:51After that, only the emperor was allowed to walk on the roof.
20:00Well, I had to do it behind Mom's back, but I was going through the want ads, and I finally found...
20:08That explains the 15-foot-high cloud of bourbon I was smelling.
20:15You stole my life.
20:18Sam, great.
20:19I was just about to call...
20:20Oh, my God!
20:28Don't worry, Malcolm!
20:30I'll help you!
20:37Sam, you've got to listen to me!
20:46Ah!
20:47Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:48Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:49Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:50Ah!
20:51Ah!
20:52Ah!
20:52Ah!
20:53Ah!
20:54Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:55Ah!
20:56Ah!
20:56Ah!
20:57Ah!
20:57Ah!
20:58Ah!
20:58Ah!
20:59Ah!
20:59Ah!
21:00Ah!
21:00Ah!
21:01Ah!
21:02Ah!
21:03Ah!
21:03Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:04Ah!
21:05Ah!
21:06Ah!
21:07Ah!
21:08Ah!
21:09Ah!
21:10Ah!
21:11Ah!
21:12Ah!
21:13Ah!
21:14Ah!
21:15Ah!
21:16Ah!
21:17Ah!
21:18Ah!
21:18Ah!
21:19Ah!
21:19Ah!
21:20Ah!
21:20Damn it! What aisle are the screwdrivers in it?!
21:25Which batteries are the double A? The little ones or the really little ones?
21:55Sam, please listen!
22:11I'm never gonna shake this guy. He's way too good. I can't out-stilt him.
22:20I can't out-stilt him, but I can out-skate him.
22:25Okay, your brother got the funeral he wanted. Now let's get our fifteen dollars back.
22:42Once again, brains triumph over-
22:51This hurts so much worse than it looks.
22:53This hurts so much worse than it looks.
22:58This hurts so much worse than it looks.
23:05You're a Yankee-doodle-dead man.
23:12The weird thing is, I always knew I'd die this way.
23:15Okay, guys, you've had your fun. Please, you've had your fun.
23:17Please, you've had your fun.
23:18This hurts so much worse than it looks.
23:22I'll set up for the lamest, most pathetic miracle you've got lying around. Just-
23:29You're a-
23:36You're a-
23:37You're a-
23:38You're a-
23:39Well, I purposely dropped that bowling ball on your foot so you couldn't go to your
23:40foot.
23:41You're a-
23:42You're a-
23:43You're a-
23:44You're a-
23:45You're a-
23:46You're a-
23:47You're a-
23:48You're a-
23:49You're a-
23:50You're a-
23:51You're a-
23:52You're a-
23:53You're a-
23:54You're a-
23:55You're a-
23:56You're a-
23:57You're a-
23:58You're a-
23:59You're a-
24:00You're a-
24:01You're a-
24:02You're a-
24:03You're a-
24:04You're a-
24:05You're a-
24:06You're a-
24:07You're a-
24:08You're a-
24:09You're a-
24:10You're a-
24:11You're a-
24:12You're a-
24:13You're a-
24:14You're a-
24:15We're reaching a point here I don't think either one of us wants to get to.
24:19What are we supposed to do? I've just got so much rage built up.
24:23Are these your boys?
24:27You little monsters.
24:30How dare you get into trouble again after all your mother does for you?
24:33Your father slays a way to put a roof over your head and this is how you repay him?
24:38Okay, everybody, let's just calm down.
24:40Why don't you mind your own business?
24:43We don't need you coming in here and telling us how to handle our children.
24:48We know what we're doing. Thank you very much.
24:51Oh, Dad, the drugs are wearing off.
24:57One-dance baby, is that you?
24:59Will you listen to me?
25:14I found you a job.
25:16What?
25:17I found you a job.
25:19I've been trying to tell you.
25:21It's perfect for you.
25:22It's at the circus.
25:27The circus.
25:30In what world do you depreciate an elephant over two years?
25:37I want this all redone tonight.
25:39What are you looking at?
25:43Get back to work!
25:46That is fantastic, son!
25:49Reese's roommate in detox is a lawyer.
25:52He thinks he can blackmail him into defending his felony case.
25:55That's great!
25:56Hey, the feeling's coming back to my thighs.
26:01Apparently, the medical term for what happened to me is,
26:03holy crap, come look at this.
26:05Because that's all the ER guys kept saying.
26:08But if I ever have to give birth, it'll be really easy.
26:11And Mom seems to be in a good mood lately.
26:13The toilet's backed up again!
26:15I'll get it!
26:16I'll get it!
26:46I'll get it!