Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 8 The Block Party
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00:00Whoever finds it when it comes out gets a 20-buck reward.
00:03That Reese changed this one. He hasn't gotten to it in a while.
00:07Aw, man.
00:08Somehow they never notice that Mom doesn't own any diamond earrings.
00:13Smells like my ticket to Easy Street.
00:17Yes, no, maybe.
00:22I don't know.
00:24Can you repeat the question?
00:28You're not the boss of me now
00:31You're not the boss of me now
00:33You're not the boss of me now
00:36And you're not so big
00:39You're not the boss of me now
00:42You're not the boss of me now
00:45You're not the boss of me now
00:47And you're not so big
00:50Life is unfair
00:58Every year for the last five years, we spent a week on a cabin on a lake.
01:08This year it got ruined, and we ought to come back three days early.
01:11All I'm saying is I don't ask for much.
01:14Once a year, I want to sit on a porch, stare at a bug zapper, and make s'mores over a trash can.
01:20The problem is the boys have gotten soft.
01:22God forbid they should have a little interaction with nature.
01:25I blame video games.
01:38What's going on?
01:45Sorry folks, street's closed.
01:47We live here, what is this?
01:49You live here and you don't know?
01:51It's the annual block party.
01:52Annual?
01:53Every year for the last five years.
01:55Oh, hey Mord.
02:02What's going on?
02:03Oh, Hal.
02:05You're back early.
02:07What is all this?
02:07Why didn't we know about it?
02:09Well, we came out this morning, the sun was shining, people started talking.
02:15It was a spur of the moment thing.
02:16The banner says 5th annual.
02:20Huh.
02:22You guys know a block party every year when we go away?
02:26You know, I'm not consulted about the scheduling.
02:28There's a whole committee that takes care of...
02:30No, but I'm boring you.
02:31Holly, yeah, we got home early.
02:45Listen, would it be okay if we walked over and dropped off Jamie for a couple hours?
02:49There's a block party here and we wanted to enjoy it.
02:53Okay, great.
02:54Thanks.
02:56Enjoy it?
02:57Doesn't anyone besides me get it?
03:00The whole neighborhood hates us.
03:01So much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
03:05Malcolm, that's not news.
03:07I'm just surprised they're so organized.
03:09It doesn't bother you that everyone despises us?
03:12No.
03:12These people need somebody to be mad at.
03:15Having us to hate gives the whole neighborhood something to bond over.
03:18Your mother's right, son.
03:20Communities seek out a common enemy.
03:22If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else.
03:26Probably a minority.
03:29Malcolm, you can't spend your whole life worrying about what people think about you.
03:33They'll like you, they'll hate you, they'll think whatever they want to think, and then you die.
03:37Is that supposed to cheer me up?
03:39I don't know why you need cheering up.
03:42You are a teenage boy with a block party right outside his door.
03:46Now you can stay in here and sulk if you want to, but your father and I are going to go have a good time.
03:50Come on, honey.
03:52Oh my God, it's a lawnmower parade.
03:58Hey, Otto.
04:00What's this?
04:01It's called a mount.
04:02It is an artificial cow's hindquarters.
04:06This will allow us to extract precious seed from Bruno.
04:14He cost me a fortune, but there is gold in those shleples.
04:19Can't we just let him go out and mount the heifers?
04:22No, Bruno is much too rough for my girls.
04:25They have lived their sheltered lives.
04:28Most of them are even embarrassed by the milking.
04:32I'm going to have to be the one to work this, aren't I?
04:36It's not as bad as you think.
04:39All you have to do is climb inside.
04:42Bruno will mount you, offer a schwarzen coffin.
04:45You will extract the seed.
04:48That's a million times worse than I thought.
04:50Oh, no, Francis.
04:52There's nothing to be afraid of.
04:54I wonder why you have to wear goggles.
05:06Let's hear it for Ms. Michelson's class.
05:11I think I speak for all of us on Maple and Jefferson
05:15when I say that the neighborhood gets a lot nicer this time of year.
05:19Seriously, boss, let's put our hands together to our next one.
05:40No, no, go ahead.
05:42Keep going.
05:43We were done anyway.
05:46Yeah.
05:47Okay.
05:47Yeah.
05:49You know, I never really thought about us
05:54being the most hated people in the neighborhood.
05:57Well, Dewey, most people go through life unnoticed.
06:01Their names are never in the paper.
06:02They've got no laws named after them.
06:05That's fine for most people, but I wanted more.
06:09Hey!
06:14It's not always easy.
06:16You don't make a lot of friends being unpopular.
06:19Someday we'll all get even with you, Reese.
06:25Huh.
06:27What is it?
06:28That kid just gave me the best idea of my life.
06:31You know, we don't do this often enough.
06:35Just walk around the neighborhood.
06:37It's nice, isn't it?
06:41Remind you of another fair 20 years ago?
06:44You spent $70 to win me a $3 stuffed animal.
06:50Well, they make those hoops too small on purpose.
06:53If I hadn't played till I won, they never would have learned their lesson.
06:56Besides, I wasn't trying to win stuffed animal.
07:01Well, I was trying to win you.
07:04Oh, hell.
07:05Well, I urge you all to stay calm and try to enjoy the fair anyway.
07:14Otherwise, they and their awful children will have won.
07:19Daddy, you're close.
07:20Oh, let me help you.
07:26Oh, you don't have to do that.
07:28I don't mind.
07:28I'm glad to do it.
07:30Oh, thanks.
07:31That was very nice of you.
07:34Really?
07:36Is there anything else I could do for you?
07:40I'm just saying.
07:42Kids should not be blamed for how terrible their parents are.
07:45I mean, if Saddam Hussein had a son.
07:48Well, maybe that's not the best example.
07:50But you know what I'm...
07:51Son, I don't care what anybody says.
07:53You're a very nice and thoughtful young man.
07:58Thanks.
08:00I'm really glad I met you.
08:05Hey!
08:07What are you doing?
08:09Huh?
08:09Who was that man?
08:11What do you mean?
08:12Oh, my God!
08:13We've been robbed!
08:14And you just stood there while he robbed us?
08:26I was walking past.
08:28He needed help.
08:29You helped him?
08:30He was sweating.
08:32And you just believed him when he said that this was his house?
08:35No, he didn't say that.
08:37Exactly.
08:38I mean, it was implied.
08:40I have a lot on my mind.
08:41Oh, you are from that family and that house, aren't you?
08:44Yes, but I'm not like them.
08:45Do you even realize what you've done?
08:48What were you thinking?
08:52I just wanted somebody to like me.
08:55Thank you, Jim.
09:17Now, coming up in just a few minutes, we have our fifth annual kielbasa eating contest, sponsored
09:23by Stavis Brothers, the kielbasa that makes you go, mmmm.
09:28Kielbasa eating contest.
09:30I remember a certain pigtailed girl who could pack away a dozen king-sized.
09:36That was a long time ago, Hal.
09:38Oh, come on, Lois.
09:40A woman reaches her gastronomic peak at just about your age.
09:44I'll sign up with you.
09:46Unless you're afraid I'll beat you.
09:48Hal, you're good at a lot of things, but this is kielbasa.
09:55Let's go.
09:58It's either a lizard or a baby alligator.
10:01It's been in our cesspool for a month.
10:03I think he lives on poo.
10:05Where is it?
10:07Hello, everyone.
10:09Don't worry.
10:11If I wanted to beat you up, you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now.
10:14Well, I've gathered you here to make you an offer.
10:18What kind of offer, Reese?
10:20I'm glad you asked, Dewey.
10:23It's no secret that I've tortured all of you over the years.
10:26Some of you have scars on the outside.
10:31Some of you are damaged in places we can't see.
10:36Dewey, each one of you wants revenge.
10:40And you know what?
10:41You're entitled to it.
10:45Gee, Reese.
10:46Revenge sounds great.
10:47But how could we accomplish that?
10:50Another good question, Dewey.
10:52For 20 bucks, I'll let each one of you beat the hell out of me for 30 seconds.
10:58Really?
10:59This is so sweet.
11:01Boy, Reese, this is tempting.
11:03But how do we know you won't let us hit you today, but then get even with us tomorrow?
11:08That's the beauty part.
11:10I'll be tied up and blindfolded the whole time you're beating me.
11:16Wow.
11:17The line will form at the garage in one hour.
11:20I'm not going to tell you how to get the money.
11:22Your mothers all have purses.
11:25Except for you, Freddy.
11:26Your mother wears a travel belt.
11:31Ah!
11:33Is everything good to go?
11:36I think so.
11:37How do you plan to work her?
11:40What do you mean, work her?
11:42Well, you know, you will sit there, waiting for Bruno to become fresh broken and enter the artificial hooning goods.
11:49And then maybe you'll rock the hips a little bit.
11:54Maybe you'll tease him with the tail.
11:59Gosh.
12:01I hope this is sturdy enough to take his weight.
12:06You know, he weighs 4,000 pounds.
12:08And when his passion is aroused, he may come down with crashing force.
12:15I want a raise.
12:19I want a raise.
12:21Yeah.
12:23All right.
12:27Would you try and calm down, please?
12:29It's not just the neighborhood.
12:33It's the whole world.
12:35The way people treat each other.
12:37I mean, why does it have to be like this?
12:40There's just so much hate.
12:43What about pulling Reese's hair?
12:50No, his head will be covered.
12:52Look, you're thinking too hard.
12:54Just let your hatred tell your body what to do.
12:57How are we doing?
12:59So far, 23 kids have signed up.
13:01We've taken in $460.
13:03Oh, my God.
13:04Just remember, we've got to save 20 bucks for the cab ride to the hospital.
13:09I'm going to get the crap kicked out of me for money.
13:14This is the greatest nation on earth.
13:20It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
13:22as we begin our fifth annual Stavitz Brothers Kielbasa Eating Contest.
13:30I try to line them up like one continuous dog.
13:33It's the space between Kielbasa's that tells your body is full.
13:37With us this year, we have our old friends,
13:40Louie, Jerry, Jackson, Lois and Hal,
13:48and last year's champion, Big Tony.
13:55And eaters, take your marks.
14:16Are you going to be okay?
14:46He's going to be fine now.
14:58Hey!
14:59I'm in a hurry. I'm getting a beating in 15 minutes.
15:04What do you want for all of this?
15:06What?
15:08I'll take every piece of candy that you've got.
15:13Get out of the way!
15:16Let me get you a bag for that.
15:18I don't need a bag.
15:20But I would like to hear you sing.
15:31Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've lost Jerry and Jackson.
15:35Louie's put away six, but he has a long way to go to catch up to Hal and Big Tony, who've eaten nine apiece.
15:44Oh, just a minute.
15:48Lois has eaten nine, too.
15:52You're magnificent.
16:00And we just lost Louie.
16:02Looks like it's down to three.
16:05Unbelievable.
16:06What is it?
16:07Hal and Lois are matching Big Tony dog for dog.
16:15Oh, wait a minute.
16:17Is this the end of the road for Lois?
16:21Hmm?
16:22No.
16:23I just want more sour crows.
16:35Listen, kid.
16:36Could you please just go home?
16:37Is there a problem here?
16:39It's all right, officer.
16:40We can handle it.
16:41It was a robbery.
16:42And I helped.
16:43We're not pressing charges.
16:45We just like to forget about the whole thing.
16:47Oh, you still have to come down to the station and fill out some forms.
16:50You know, looking through the house, I don't think he got much.
16:52Just a bunch of junk from the garage.
16:54Yeah, it's pretty hard even to say what was taken.
16:57I can tell you I have a photographic memory.
17:00I can picture everything I put in the car.
17:02How would it be if we just phoned you later?
17:04There were nine boxes.
17:05Fourteen by twelve by twenty-one.
17:08A computer and two high-definition color printers.
17:12A signature machine, an embossing machine,
17:15two bottles of solvent-based ink eradicator.
17:19Three reams of linen textured cotton paper with fluorescent security fibers.
17:25Which you could use to counterfeit money.
17:28But for that you wouldn't need an embossing machine.
17:31Unless you were gonna forge stock certificates.
17:34Oh my god, you're criminals!
17:44And you know what the saddest part is?
17:47I used to care what you thought about me.
17:49Actually, I still do care a little.
17:58Ladies and gentlemen, this is astonishing!
18:01Last year's record is shattered!
18:03I can feel that I know I have a two and a half inch empty pocket next to my right kidney.
18:08Oh my god!
18:15Big Tony's down for the count!
18:18Al, it's down to hell and Lois now!
18:23You are going down, honey!
18:30We'll see you there!
18:32All right, you all know the rules.
18:46You each get 30 seconds.
18:48Absolutely no weapons of any kind!
18:59All right, let me go see if he's ready.
19:06Reese, it's time to start!
19:08Here's our first secret anonymous customer!
19:12It's Bobby Markovich.
19:24Not so hard!
19:25Don't hurt my brother!
19:30Okay, you!
19:31Your time is up!
19:33Hey!
19:35Reese?
19:36What are you doing up there?
19:38Who's this?
19:39Some kid I found on the street.
19:41I don't know his name.
19:43Chad!
19:44Chad.
19:45Sorry, man.
19:47How could you hit me like that?
19:49You're my brother!
19:51And my partner!
19:53And you didn't pay!
20:11Ooh!
20:13Let's get him!
20:18Yeah!
20:21Yeah!
20:22Yeah!
20:23No!
20:24No!
20:26Deborah!
20:27No!
20:28No!
20:29No!
20:30No!
20:32Fun!
20:33No!
20:34No!
20:35I keep track stay.
20:37Chances are, cause I wear a silly grin, the moment you come into view.
20:53Chances are you think that I'm in love with you.
21:03It's been two hours, this isn't happening. Send him out to graze.
21:17Hey, look at this. It says we're supposed to smear on cow pheromones.
21:22They're supposed to make him crazy. No wonder he isn't into it.
21:30Did you see a bottle of pheromones?
21:33Your chances are, your chances are a flea.
21:49It's been quite a day in competitive sausage eating. I think both Hal and Lois are approaching the 21 mark.
21:58It's an amazing spectacle. Two great competitors pushing each other to greater and greater heights.
22:10What's going on?
22:14Oh my God. They're cheering for my family. I mean, it's for a totally lame and ridiculous reason, but they're cheering.
22:24This is unprecedented. There's only one kielbasa left and it's on Hal's plate. The title is his, if he can finish it.
22:42Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal
23:42You know, you think you've imagined every possible ending?
23:53How could we have been so wrong about them?
23:57They're good, good people.
23:59It feels strange. Not hating Hal and Lois anymore.
24:04My God, I love living here.
24:06It's a great neighborhood.
24:07Yeah.
24:08I'm sorry I wasn't able to help with that noise Friday night.
24:10Did that music ever stop?
24:13Wait, you're the one who called the police on my party?
24:17You at a party? You didn't invite me?
24:19Oh, don't do that.
24:21Why are you such a big baby?
24:23Don't you call him a baby.
24:25At least I don't have to ask him to mow his lawn every two weeks.
24:29Well, from what I hear, he's been mowing your lawn.
24:32Don't you talk to her like that.
24:35The hell with you.
24:37The hell with you.
24:38The hell with you.
24:40You're the hell with me.
24:42I don't care if he's a big baby.
24:57Oh, you're the one who called me.
24:58He's still a big baby.
24:59He's a big baby.
25:00Oh, my God.
25:00You're the one who called me.
25:00Boy, baby.
25:02Boy, boy.
25:02Boy.
25:03Boy, boy.
25:03Boy.
25:04Boy.
25:05Boy.
25:05Boy.
25:05Boy.
25:06Boy.
25:06Boy.
25:06Boy.
25:07Boy.
25:08Boy.
25:08Okay, dear, I'm just going to lie down here on the pavement.
25:14Well, I guess Mom was right.
25:16We were serving a purpose in the neighborhood all these years.
25:21Hey, Reese, want to help me fill up the moon bounce with this?
25:24Nah, I'm going to go put dogs on the Ferris wheel.