Malcolm In The Middle Season 5 Episode 18 Dewey's Special Class
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00:00On our property was plucking the endangered silverback trout from its natural breeding grounds.
00:08I was glad to help.
00:12And so today we are going to blow up this evil dam.
00:17Afterwards we will have a nice light lunch provided by the grotto, the friend of fish and the business traveler.
00:26Here we go.
00:30That's weird.
00:32From here the dynamite looks a lot like a picnic cooler.
00:42I'm starting to think that that is a picnic cooler.
00:46Yes, no, maybe, I don't know, can you repeat the question?
00:58You're not the boss of me now, you're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
01:09Life is unfair.
01:24We'd like to wish a happy birthday.
01:29It's Larry, six years old.
01:31Mom and Dad and I do we pick where we went to dinner tonight.
01:34I can't decide if it's supposed to be a punishment for us or a treat for him.
01:39Probably a little bit of both.
01:40How's the chicken supposed to know you like her if you don't say anything?
01:48Boys, food's here!
01:52So do we.
01:53Are you having a good time?
01:55I actually am.
01:56Oh wait, why?
02:01He's dying!
02:03We have to make sure you come up with a really good wish.
02:05Grace, he isn't dying.
02:08If you were dying, we'd at least spring for Red Lobster.
02:11Mrs. Welsh, your counselor, said that she'd like you to take an IQ test.
02:18What?
02:19Malcolm, do not poison your brother.
02:20He is an entirely different person than you are,
02:22and he is not automatically going to have the same experience.
02:27This is a little test, honey.
02:29Mom, don't do this.
02:30I lost all my friends when I went into the crowboying class.
02:33Everyone hated us.
02:35You had every advantage in that class.
02:37You had computers, an electron microscope,
02:40a seismograph.
02:41Which is why they hated us.
02:43Malcolm, we all know there's something weird going on in that boy's brain,
02:47and I, for one, want to know.
02:48One feet, then, to the happy groove, time!
02:51All the boys they got, and their life is better than yours.
02:55Damn right, it's better than yours.
02:58I could teach you, but I could teach you.
02:59Excuse me.
03:00Greg!
03:01Oh, hiya, Hal.
03:02What are you doing?
03:03Just protecting my high score.
03:06Cheaper than a gym, and no shower bullies.
03:09You're great!
03:12Oh, Hal, I'm kind of a legend around here.
03:15You're staying out of the ball pit, right, Feldspar?
03:18Yes, sir, you were quite clear on that.
03:21Hey, hop on up, Hal.
03:22It's a blast.
03:23Beat it, David.
03:26Oh, I...
03:26It's the rookie happening!
03:28It's easy to just watch the screen, put your feet where it says.
03:30Let's try it.
03:31Oh, this is fun!
03:46Really fun!
03:47Oh, God.
03:49I just got him to stop the ice sculpting.
03:52Well, it looks like it's going to be just you and me for the next month, sweetie.
03:58So the school thinks I might be a genius, too?
04:02But I'm not a whiny loudmouth who complains about everything.
04:06Malcolm's a genius, and now Dewey's a genius?
04:08I guess it's only a matter of time till we find out that I'm a genius.
04:15I wonder what kind of genius I am.
04:1815 times 32 is 3,989.
04:22It's 480.
04:24Okay, so I'm not Rain Man.
04:25Big deal.
04:26Someday they'll invent a machine that does that stuff for you anyway.
04:29Okay, question 17 was B is to hive, as A, fish is to pond, B, bear is to den, or C, coral is to reef.
04:44That's what it was, right?
04:46How should I know?
04:49You took the same test I did.
04:51Four years ago?
04:54How do you remember?
04:56I just do, and it's a good thing, because it's the only way we can keep Dewey out of the crowboy in class.
05:02Why can't he just tank it?
05:07The tests are designed to catch that.
05:10We have to give exactly the same answers a real dumb person would give.
05:14How do we do that?
05:16Guys, guys, I've been trying to figure out what kind of genius I am,
05:20and I finally realized I should go to the library.
05:23And you know what?
05:24You can get internet porn there, and the librarians can't do anything about it.
05:30God, I love this country.
05:32Hey, Mom!
05:37You're doing it!
05:40And I only took all my lunch drinks, and $200 worth of quarters.
05:43Can't one of you have a heart attack so the rest of us can play?
05:56In a second!
05:57Showtime!
05:58I think we're finally ready.
06:10I didn't want to say anything until I was sure,
06:13but I signed us up for the weekly tournament.
06:16No, it's too soon.
06:16Hell, you don't work this hard just to jump-jump dance alone in your room?
06:21Besides, someone has to teach Haley and Kylie not to be so stuck up
06:25just because they think they're so great.
06:27You can't enter the tournament.
06:28You're going to look like idiots.
06:30We're not done rehearsing.
06:32We'll be a lot better by then.
06:33No, you're going to look like idiots because it's a contest for kids.
06:37It doesn't say that anywhere.
06:38I read the rules three times, and we're under the wait limit.
06:42You can call the manufacturer.
06:45If you give these answers exactly the way they're written,
06:48you'll stay out of the Crowboy class.
06:50Maybe I'd like the Crowboy class.
06:53I hear they just got a robot parrot that speaks 20 languages.
06:57Dewey, you have to trust me.
06:59I'm the good brother.
07:01I'm the one who cares about you.
07:03You beat me up and make fun of me.
07:05Only when you're being annoying.
07:07Dewey, I'm serious.
07:09How can I make you understand?
07:11The coolest person in the class was me.
07:16Okay, I'll do it.
07:19You're sure this will work?
07:22Hey, if there's one thing I know,
07:24Reese's answers will not get him into the Crowboy class.
07:30I'm emotionally disturbed?
07:33Oh, we don't use those terms.
07:36This isn't about labeling.
07:37A blue folder with an asterisk next to your name
07:40just means that you get a little more special help than other kids.
07:44Hey, Bill.
07:45This one's named Dewey.
07:47Dewey!
07:48Dewey!
07:49Dewey!
07:50Okay, there's no yelling, no kicking, no hitting, no physical touching of any kind.
07:56You are allowed to cry if you do it quietly.
08:01Find a seat wherever you can.
08:02Hey, could you scratch my nose?
08:24What's that?
08:25Oh, you can ignore the sign.
08:29They put you in with the Buseys?
08:43Yeah, it's real interesting.
08:45Today we learned about our greatest enemies,
08:48Mr. Matches and Mr. Talk Out of Turn.
08:51Oh, and I also got to see Crane lower a flight simulator in the Crowboy class.
08:57Oh my God, does Mom know?
08:59You're still alive, so no.
09:01I'm so sorry.
09:02I swear I'll fix this.
09:04Just don't tell Mom.
09:06Please.
09:07Please don't tell Mom.
09:09You know, I like the begging, but it needs something.
09:12Better, but still not enough.
09:21Dewey, this is my paycheck.
09:24There's $98 here.
09:26I will give you everything I make until you get out of that class.
09:32Hi, boys.
09:33Hey.
09:33Oh, Dewey, did Mrs. Wash tell you when they'd get your test results?
09:37Oh, I got him.
09:38And he's in the Crowboy class, just like you wanted.
09:41I hope you're happy.
09:44You've ruined his life.
09:45Come on, Dewey.
09:52Well, I'm not an escape artist.
09:58Okay.
10:00Now that Chad has apologized to Lester, Max, Zoe, Phoebe, Garth, Michelle, and Linda,
10:08we can now try once again to read Polar Express in as normal a way as we can possibly manage.
10:18Hanson.
10:20Indoor muffler.
10:21Okay.
10:25I want you to open this book to page seven and read.
10:30No motorcycle.
10:32Just say exactly what's on the page.
10:35No motorcycle.
10:37No motorcycle.
10:41No motorcycle.
10:42No motorcycle.
10:53Okay.
10:54Okay.
10:55That's enough reading.
10:56Why don't we try some more quiet time?
11:02Why did you do that?
11:05When did you read that book?
11:07Three years ago.
11:08Me too.
11:10All of us did.
11:12They treat us like we're stupid instead of just weird.
11:16This place is slowly killing me.
11:20Oh, look.
11:21We made it to recess.
11:27Jeffy, you're not an arm's length from Carrie.
11:31Why don't we have recess with the other kids?
11:34We make them too sad.
12:08Mrs. Welsh?
12:13Can I help you?
12:14I'm Malcolm, Dewey's brother.
12:16I have to talk to you about the test Dewey took.
12:18I'm afraid I can only discuss that with his parents.
12:21See, that's just it.
12:23I can get in a lot of trouble for coming here,
12:25but I have to tell you why his test came out the way it did.
12:30Our mom has a substance abuse problem,
12:33and she had a huge relapse the morning he took the test.
12:36Oh, my God.
12:38Yeah, which is why she can't find out I came here.
12:41I don't want to say she's dangerous because she's, you know, my mom,
12:46and I love her.
12:48Wow.
12:50Well, I can tell you really care about your family.
12:53It's been really hard.
12:55Let's see what I can do, okay?
12:57And I don't think we have to bother your mom with this.
13:01Thanks.
13:02I'll do everything through your dad.
13:03Thanks for the heads up.
13:07Wow.
13:08Ten messages from Dewey's counselor.
13:10Maybe I should practice so we could win this thing?
13:14Right.
13:14Five, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, and four, and boogie shake, boogie shake, and slide, and slide.
13:24I think these jazz shoes have really helped my kick turns.
13:29Totally worth 150 bucks.
13:31Hal?
13:32Uh-oh.
13:33Here comes Yoko.
13:34It's five o'clock in the morning.
13:36You've been up all night.
13:37Honey, I know you think this is silly,
13:39and that I've just gone off the deep end again,
13:42but this isn't like the other times.
13:45I have a gift, Lois,
13:47and it would be wrong for me to turn my back on that.
13:50Right.
13:51I see we've entered phase two,
13:54which is fine as long as you follow the rules.
13:57You have to go to work.
14:00You have to eat.
14:02You cannot involve the children.
14:04And you're freezing the joint account.
14:06Did it last week.
14:07Good night, Fred.
14:09Ginger.
14:09I thought it was Fred and Barney.
14:16Take your tissue
14:17and carefully twist it
14:20to make a flower.
14:23Then you make a bouquet
14:25by carefully
14:26stacking them.
14:29Go slow.
14:30This isn't a race.
14:32Why do all our art projects use tissues?
14:35Because tissues are soft
14:36and non-toxic.
14:38This way no one gets hurt,
14:39and no one sues the school.
14:41This program can't handle another lawsuit, do we?
14:44I only get paid for four days a week as it is.
14:47But it's ridiculous.
14:49We have to do math without pencils.
14:52We have to do history without hardcover books.
14:55Can't we at least have some art supplies?
14:57Art supplies mean scissors.
14:59They mean paste.
14:59They mean paste.
15:00These children stab with scissors.
15:02They eat paste.
15:04Some of them tried to eat scissors.
15:06This one tried to stab with paste.
15:10Teachers are supposed to help their students.
15:13Maybe you wouldn't be so unhappy all the time
15:15if you tried a little harder.
15:16Look, Dewey,
15:19you're not going to make it through the year
15:22with that attitude.
15:23You just have to take all your hopes and dreams
15:26and let them die.
15:29Then maybe you won't end up staring at a clock
15:32at four in the morning wishing you had kissed more ass
15:35in grad school.
15:35Thanks for trying.
15:43I swear, if you can get the paste,
15:46I'll stab him for you.
15:55And then he was chopped up and eaten by wolves
16:00because that's what happens to babies who pull hair.
16:03What are you doing here?
16:08Malcolm, who is it?
16:10Don't worry.
16:11I have a master's degree in conflict resolution.
16:13Can I help you?
16:14I'm Mrs. Welsh, Dewey's counselor.
16:17First of all, let me just tell you
16:19how much I admire your courage.
16:22Your son Malcolm came to see me.
16:25No, I didn't.
16:25Let me do what I do.
16:27He was worried that Dewey had been placed
16:30in the wrong class.
16:31Malcolm, how dare you?
16:34You made your feelings very clear,
16:35but you had no right to do something like that.
16:38Well, the thing is,
16:39I did look through Dewey's records,
16:41and his test results don't match up
16:42with his classroom performance.
16:44There may be grounds to retest him.
16:46Oh, no.
16:47Absolutely not.
16:49You are not going to take this away from my son.
16:51He deserves to be in that class.
16:53He needs to be in that class.
16:55And don't think I won't fight you on this.
16:57I didn't come here to upset you.
16:59The last thing that anyone wants
17:01is for you to feel out of control.
17:03Oh, you'll see out of control
17:05if you don't leave Dewey where he belongs.
17:08Believe me, you don't want to mess with this family.
17:11Well, maybe we'll talk about it in a month or so
17:13when you're feeling stronger.
17:15I'll work around any of your meetings.
17:18I can't believe the way that woman talked to you.
17:21I mean, sure,
17:22I unsuccessfully tried to keep Dewey
17:25out of the crowblind class,
17:26but she had no right to do that.
17:28I'll put a cork in it.
17:30And don't think you're not in trouble
17:32just because your little plan didn't work.
17:33All around the world
18:02Oh, that was just great.
18:09Which kids are yours?
18:12Those two.
18:19You guys are totally going to be my new save screen.
18:23Don't let it get to you, Hal.
18:25Soon they're going to feel as stupid
18:27as they think we look.
18:28Let's rock.
18:30Let's rock.
18:30Let's rock, yeah.
18:30Father Williamson, please pick up your travel order.
18:34Hey, I thought we're supposed to have the same costume.
18:37They're almost the same.
18:41Whoa!
18:42Ow!
18:44Ow!
18:45My ankle's twisted.
18:47Once again, I fly too close to the sun.
18:50But we have to dance.
18:51I can't, Hal.
18:52But you have to go on.
18:54We've worked too long
18:56and too hard to stop now.
18:58Now go out there
19:00and win that coupon
19:01for two free medium pizzas
19:03for both of us.
19:06I know we've had our disagreements
19:15over the amount of time
19:16I've spent doing this.
19:19But I don't think
19:20there is anyone else
19:21I could do this with.
19:24What do you say?
19:26Hal.
19:28I get the pizzas.
19:30Okay.
19:33Much applause
19:34to your sparkly feet!
19:36Sometimes when we touch
19:41The honesty's too much
19:45And I have to close my eyes
19:49And I
19:51I wanna hold you till I die
19:57Till we both break down and cry
20:01I wanna hold you
20:04Till the fear
20:05Till the fear
20:06In me
20:06Subsides
20:08And times of life
20:12To break you
20:14And drive you to your knees
20:17Here comes the pencil turn I can't walk!
20:19And times of life
20:21To break through
20:22And hold you endlessly
20:25On any other man
20:32On any other man
20:33That would look ridiculous
20:34Till we both stand and cry
20:36We've lost him Lois
20:38He belongs to everyone now
20:40And times of life
20:41And times of life
20:42To turn I can't walk!
20:43It's a time!
20:44Mr. Sheridan, why do motorcycles sound different when they're coming than when they're going away?
21:12Hanson, I'm trying to eat my lunch. By the time I explained it to you, you would have forgotten the question anyway.
21:21I think my brother, Malcolm, told me about that last summer.
21:39It's called the Doppler Effect, Dewey. Both sound and light travel at a constant speed, but their wavelengths get shorter or longer, depending on whether they're moving towards you or away from you.
21:54Put some pants on, you little freak.
21:58My imaginary friends are right! I am a genius!
22:05So basically what it means is that the sound waves from a motorcycle move away from it at the same speed in all directions, but if it's coming towards you, then the sound waves get stacked closer and closer together, so the frequency goes up and the sound gets higher. Do you understand?
22:24Yeah. I do. Oh my god. I learned something! I learned something! I learned something!
22:40Hanson? I learned something! I learned something!
22:44Maybe you shouldn't learn things if you're going to be so disruptive. Now sit down and be quiet.
22:51Everyone who hates this, follow me.
23:13Follow me!
23:43Please, children, calm down. Remember, quiet minds are happy minds. Let's say it together. Quiet minds are happy minds. Quiet minds are...
24:04I'm so glad that contest is finally behind you.
24:08No. You know, now that that's out of your system, I could sure use a little more help with Jamie.
24:14He was up all night last night. So if you wouldn't mind taking the first shift tonight, I could...
24:20Mouth! Mouth!
24:25Agree!
24:27He's failing!
24:38Okay, Dewey. I have a new, much better plan. I broke into the principal's office and created a second fictional Dewey, who lives in another district.
24:50I still have to hack into the school mainframe, but all you have to do is pretend you're dead for two days. Then we're back in business.
24:57That sounds great. Mom, Malcolm gave me the wrong answers to the Crayle Boyne test. I've been in the emotionally disturbed class for two weeks.
25:06Well, I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about.
25:12Dewey! Dewey! Guess what? I finally figured out what kind of genius I am!
25:16There it was, just staring me in the face.
25:23Oh, come on, Dewey. Please stay awake.
25:27I've got so much to show you.
25:46Yeah, just going in please do it.
25:47Don't say goodbye.
25:48Let me do it.
25:49You, I'm sorry.
25:52Oh, come on, Dewey.
25:54I haven't had to do it.
25:58I've got so much to show you.
25:59I'll see you later.
26:01Yeah, I'll see you later.
26:04I'll see you later.
26:05Bye.
26:06I'll see you later.
26:08Bye.