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00:00.
00:30excuse me could I have a quick look at it Malcolm Shelley nice to see you and you
00:53well what a surprise two people in a reading room who haven't got death certificates oh I applied
01:03but the government burial grant is so low seems I can't afford to die until the economy picks up
01:08you might have to live forever at that rate quite well well I take it then Dame Fortune has not
01:16exactly been busting a gut on your behalf well I do feel life hasn't so much passed me by has
01:22made a special point of diverting to walk all over me in size 13 boots and you what about you
01:30a whole bit short on health wealth and happiness but apart from that fine I was the wonderful world
01:36of work where's the wonderful world of work yeah I sometimes look back on a few brief days working
01:42together sorting out piles of rubbish in a basement for a pittance and I think to myself yes that was
01:48the golden age of employment I know nostalgia used to set in just before you died now the country's in
01:55such a state you walk down the street near 12 year olds talking about the good old days do you live
02:02near here I've got a little attic round the corner eighth floor just below the ozone layer what one of
02:10those large cupboards the rich used to store their spare maids in you got the general idea wife not
02:15welcomed you back to her bosom then she's not even welcome me back to her armpit not jobless I can't
02:24come in out of the cold until I win my Puritan work ethic badge and a key to the executive lavatory I
02:29am trying about half the Western Hemisphere is trying to get into the same lavatory Ulysses was wandering
02:36the world trying to get his act together with Penelope he only had to fight off assorted monsters pirates
02:42sirens and the odd cyclops I got Norman Tebbitt to contend with I mean would you believe even my job
02:49agency went bankrupt doomed to roam the inner city forever then how come you end up here there's not
02:56been a librarian's job advertised as the police would be here with crowd control barriers there'd be
03:03hundreds of demented out-of-work librarians trying to batter down the doors with their date stamps
03:07there'd be cries of let me through I'm a card indexer
03:12yes competition is getting fearsome isn't it I woke up in a cold sweat the other night I
03:21dreamt I'd seen an advert which said messenger boy wanted Nobel Prize winner preferred
03:26is that why you're here job advert no no it's just that I find this library has got a really first
03:33class heating system since the cutbacks they've stopped actually having books but they've a very
03:38strong radiator section doing anything special today what is it today 1983 no why no I don't know thought
03:52we might go somewhere and discuss the nature of the human condition solve a few eternal questions it's
03:58always a good way to pass a Monday oh it's Monday is it the days of the week ought to be color-coded says
04:03you can tell one from the other yes why not where do you suggest well it's a bit early for tea at
04:12the Ritz a bit late for breakfast at the Cavendish and a bit expensive for anything other than bread and
04:18water yeah oh I know somewhere cheap and lively I often come here for the excitement one of the best
04:37the street corners this one recommended by the labor exchange multiple road junction continental
04:45lorries zebra crossing sometimes you get road work I've even seen a car actually must be lovely at night
04:55all the car lights flashing indicators that's a difficult age isn't it 18 to 65 it's right in between the
05:06three teenage ping-pong table facilities and the council owns a rest and remembrance
05:11there was a gallant whole team here once really what they asked you they didn't I stood here eight
05:21hours hoping you know trying to have casual probably thought you were a fervor I had answers ready on
05:28inflation the trade unions the common market should there be a cruise missile in every home
05:34day and I think mr. foot was alive or day
05:38all wasted
05:41we could spray something on a wall I suppose
05:46structure that's the important thing structure yes I always try to structure the day
05:56to give it a sense of order and purpose huh so every morning at 11 I go and sit in the laundrette
06:03yeah if I had my time all over again I'd study something useful
06:24like bankruptcy law
06:27if I had my time all over again I'd be someone else
06:35possibly a giant panda
06:39well all your meals laid on experts trying to make sure you have a regular sex life
06:49accuse of people wanting to tickle your tummy
06:54or if there was a waiting list for being a panda I'd settle for something that hibernates
07:01a lot
07:02you realize reincarnation could be severely affected if the bomb drops
07:08they'd have thin your options right out just be a choice of cockroaches or ex-prime ministers
07:14oh cockroaches every time I mean there'd not be much of a market for memoirs then would there
07:20the 60s was where I went wrong
07:24well that and the 70s
07:26oh yes it was the press they kept saying we should prepare ourselves for the age of leisure
07:33so being civically minded I went to bed for 10 years
07:37lying back and thinking of England
07:40exactly the only seat I planted for the future was Emma
07:43I even got to believe that by sleeping 14 hours a day I was an early pioneer of energy conservation
07:50tell me before this heroic conversion to a life of leisure what on earth were you like
07:55bone idle
07:56fortunate that it was right up my street
08:00even as a child I never exactly pulled my finger out
08:04or if I did it was because I'd put it somewhere it should have been in the front
08:08what were you like as a child
08:12keen
08:14studious
08:15conscientious
08:16polite
08:17insufferable
08:19always used to win at monopoly
08:22wore long trousers in the holidays
08:24wanted to vote at the age of five
08:26things like that
08:28ah you see as a child I always thought adulthood was something you could be excused from
08:33like not wanting to go in the army
08:35I thought that come 21 you could just say you're a conscientious objector to all forms of responsibility
08:41and you'd be let off having to grow up
08:43in fact I thought that till I was about 33
08:46a sort of overweight Peter Pan
08:49still insufferable
08:52I see no I am really grafting now honest I'm the guy who suddenly comes good in the last
08:58reel gets the girl and the executive briefcase joins a firm so high powered they put personal
09:03initials on your wife runs
09:05well that was the theory
09:07so you do a passable imitation of a dead sloth for a lifetime
09:11I'm an eager thrusting little beaver for a decade and we both end up penniless and jobless in the same laundrette
09:17it's a modern Aesop's fable
09:20it's a modern Aesop's fable you know
09:22the tortoise and the hare
09:23especially rewritten for the ages
09:25the tortoise goes slow as usual
09:27the hare goes fast as usual
09:29the race goes on as usual
09:31and they're just coming up to the line when someone from the government steps out
09:34and shoots them both dead
09:39I don't know about Aesop I feel more like a repentant sinner who's seen the light
09:43and got down onto his knees or in my case got up onto them
09:48and cried out oh lord forgive me I've sinned
09:52only to hear a clap of thunder and a loud voice from on high cry back sod off
09:57followed by peals of celestial laughter
10:00or put another way what is the bloody point
10:03yes I think we may be getting close to the nature of the human condition
10:07or as the french say la condition humaine
10:11yes well they were always a pretentious race
10:17I've never understood Edith Piaf you know
10:20no no getting to her age and regretting nothing
10:24I'm 35 I regret just about everything
10:27including being 35
10:44well what next
10:46there ought to be special pamphlets for the unemployed
10:49like 101 interesting walks around the block
10:55or pillow arrangement or how to form a dome queue
11:00could be best sellers three and a half million eager buyers there at least
11:05we could go into a department store play at being shoppers
11:08yeah we ought to do something enterprising
11:11something with a bit of intelligence keep the mind active alert
11:14so what do you suggest
11:19I spy with my little eye
11:28i
11:37i
11:38i
11:41i
11:42i
11:46i
11:46Very modern-looking, this park.
11:58Modern?
12:00Yeah.
12:02Sort of post-nuclear.
12:06Goes with the alfresco fallout shelter.
12:11Must be a progressive council.
12:14They've got multicultural graffiti.
12:16This is not how I imagined the age of leisure at all.
12:34I assumed it meant once you got to our age,
12:36the government will give you a golden hand shake and a set of golf clubs,
12:40then a social worker will call round with a life-size inflatable sex object of your choice.
12:45Oh, yes.
12:47With my prospects in life, I could be the first person ever ejected by a blow-up doll.
12:53You two are out of watch as well, then?
12:56We're just taking a very long lunch.
13:01Monday to Friday.
13:03We could go and feed the ducks again.
13:09In our position, they should feed us.
13:13I wouldn't mind being a duck.
13:16That's how I started.
13:24Pardon?
13:25Being out of work.
13:28That is how I started.
13:31I see.
13:33Get a lot of travel as a duck.
13:36Go to hot places.
13:38Meet other ducks.
13:39How much would one of those inflatable sex things cost, do you reckon?
13:45New or second-hand.
13:49Been out of work long, have you?
13:53Just temporarily.
13:54A passing phase.
13:56We could go back to the laundrette.
13:58That's what they told me.
13:5923 years ago.
14:0223 years?
14:03Yes.
14:05I mean, I've just...
14:06Just had a run of bad luck.
14:11Oh, I see.
14:12You didn't so much fall on hard times as have hard times fall on you.
14:17As I said, we could go along to the laundrette and have a look at the afternoon water.
14:20Oh, it all really started when the wife left me.
14:25When the wife left you?
14:26I just went downhill.
14:30A lot of blokes end up like that when the wife goes.
14:32They don't.
14:34Do they?
14:35Oh, yes.
14:37Yes.
14:37Used to have a nice wee end up terrace.
14:41Suit.
14:42Chains of socks.
14:44Why did she go?
14:45I don't know.
14:46She never left a note.
14:49But we had a very nice small property.
14:52Three beds, two receipts.
14:54All mod cons.
14:55With wisteria.
14:57Hanging down.
14:58Very nice.
14:58Did you have a house?
15:06I never had wisteria.
15:09No.
15:10I've just got a cardboard box now.
15:14More mobile, but...
15:16It's not the same.
15:19I mean, you miss...
15:21You miss somewhere to store the old newspapers.
15:25You'll find sleeping in the snow the worst.
15:36We're just between jobs, that's all.
15:38It's all part of the threadbare tapestry of life.
15:40By the time we're 45, we'll be coining it in.
15:42We'll look back on these days and laugh.
15:44Oh, I know the feeling.
15:46I'm 45.
15:47Yes, well, we could wander down the high street, have a look through a TV rental window,
15:54see if Channel 4 have got a special test card for minorities.
15:59The unemployed aren't a minority.
16:02No, I try to keep up appearances as well.
16:06Huh?
16:07Oh, yeah.
16:07When I first got the sack, 8.30 every morning, out to work as usual.
16:14Blue suit, leather briefcase, smile at the neighbour, wave to the wife, who was not there.
16:21Down the avenue, into the station yard.
16:25Hide in the bog until the 8.43 was away.
16:32Nice wee toilet in that station, by the way.
16:34But, but then, what did you do all day?
16:46You know the library?
16:49I'll give you a tip.
16:51The radiators?
16:53Yeah, that's right.
16:55See, you'll get the hang of it already.
16:57Oh, that's it.
16:59I mean, you don't seriously think we'll end up as...
17:02as...
17:03Do you?
17:04Been down and out.
17:06It's opened up to all comers the last few years.
17:09And it used to be just alcos and junkies.
17:12Now it's bankrupt businessmen, mortgage defaulters.
17:17The sort of vagrant that asks you to pick up litter.
17:19It's not that, it's lads just straight from school.
17:22Probably sent along by careers officers.
17:24I'm sorry.
17:25No, you'd be surprised the class of bum you come across these days.
17:38I mean, you can be lying at some doorway overnight and find your kippin' on top of a block with O-levels.
17:47Who can, more than likely, quick as a flash, tell you the chemical composition of myth.
17:53Yes.
17:54Probably all part of the government plan to give a more practical purpose to education.
17:58Yes.
17:59No, if I might give you a concrete example.
18:03I was down routing house the other night, you know, routing house, and I came across a chap stuffing the guardian into his boots.
18:10Now, you never got that in the old days.
18:14Well, not since that Orwell chap, anyway.
18:18Are there any French literature graduates?
18:21Soon be hanging carriage lamps underneath the arches and sticking horse brasses on their cardboard boxes.
18:27You see, the real problem, as Enoch always says, is sheer numbers.
18:32I mean, I can see the day coming when you'll need CSEs to be a tramp.
18:35It's getting so overcrowded in the gutters, I mean.
18:37Not that I'm in competition.
18:40Not at all.
18:41I am a believer in the free market Western enterprise system, but when you get six blocks after the same bench, things have got out of hand.
18:51Oh, dear.
18:53I want to go back to the womb.
18:56Anybody's.
18:59And it's not just me saying it.
19:01Four times, four times in the past fortnight, I have been wakened up in the middle of the night by TV interviewers,
19:07wanting me to discuss the worsening plight of the homeless.
19:10I mean, half of Skid Row is making bleeding documentaries these days.
19:15Three o'clock in the morning.
19:18Knock on your cardboard box, blinking light in your eye.
19:21Cold microphone doing your fox.
19:23And, uh, would I care to comment on the social effects of the recession?
19:30But what do you say?
19:31What can I say?
19:33I mean, we all know, we all know it's the decline in the industrial base that's causing the trouble.
19:39But until the mental management up top gets stuck into it, there's a bugger all we can do about it, isn't there?
19:45Pretty fair analysis, aren't we?
19:52But it is the future.
19:56It is the future that gives me the old DTs.
20:01And me.
20:02And me.
20:081990.
20:08It's the thought of everything suddenly bottoming out, turning up and taking off again.
20:17Isn't that what the Hindenburg did?
20:21Growing old under a park bench.
20:25Not dignified.
20:27And I can't go on forever telling my daughter I'm on leave from the Falklands.
20:31Anyway, growing old won't be a problem.
20:37The government are planning a second Victorian era, so we'll all just die of consumption at 50.
20:44Yeah.
20:46Still, by 1990, rags will be back in fashion again.
20:51Victorians.
20:53I think...
20:54I think if I was granted a wish by a fairy, any wish, I would be a Mexican.
21:11Mexican?
21:13Oh, yes.
21:14Vagrancy situation over there, altogether different.
21:17It never rains.
21:18They've got cactus trees to sit under, straw hats,
21:22and they just watch donkeys go by the whole day long.
21:27And every time an American tourist goes by, they just say,
21:31Si, senor.
21:32And they get five bucks.
21:35Myself, I wish I was an East European intellectual.
21:38You're not even a West European.
21:40But over there, when they sit around jobless,
21:43left out of the great leap forward in girder production,
21:45it's because they're being persecuted for ideals, integrity.
21:48Me?
21:50I'm just a random martyr to monetarism.
21:52Number 3,456,789.
21:56I don't even feel picked on.
22:01Oh, him.
22:03He just wants to be a giant panda.
22:07Oh!
22:08All the world's a stage.
22:20And all the people in it, merely resting.
22:25What's that?
22:27Joke out of a Labour Party Christmas cracker, I should think.
22:30It was sprayed on the wall of the job centre.
22:37Probably a redundant poet.
22:40Have you looked at the other wall?
22:42I have seen the future, and in it nobody works.
22:47What's that one?
22:49It's a Geoffrey Owl.
22:51I haven't depressed you two, I hope.
22:53Only the prospect of becoming the detritus of society
23:00does alarm some people.
23:02Not us.
23:02No, no.
23:03I think we're safe.
23:05But the thought of ending one's days in a cardboard box...
23:09Never crossed our minds.
23:11Tomorrow's a new day.
23:13Good.
23:17There is one thing, though.
23:19What's that?
23:20This bench.
23:22Have you made a prior reservation for tonight, or is it free?
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