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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30is that a spider oh well they say it's bad drinking on your own no I am still a civilized
00:53man I think that spider's still alive well she's
01:23you do stop biting me and an admiral lives there why is this block of flats coming to used to be you
01:31have to have a night or just to clean the windows it's a disgrace making all that noise next door
01:38and what's worse not inviting me mind you I could take the bird out to the flicks there's uh there's
01:50I wonder if it's a girl
01:54excuse me that will be my fairy godmother come to take Shelly to the ball
02:02hi oh god not the Jehovah's Witnesses again have we got the wrong place depends what you're looking
02:14for if it's a virgin to ravish you could be unlucky the party is next door just follow the sound of
02:20hyenas mating in cactus groves
02:22oh it's all misery chops his fault then yes I told the porter we wanted AT but he said oh no
02:28your sort will be wanting our local slum clearance area in 8S
02:32ah my friend Desmond you see I'm about as welcome in his block of flats as a condom in a confessional
02:38when rent-a-kill came round I saw what he'd written on their sheet flat 4b cockroaches mice 8a and 8f
02:46mr. shelley so you live here yes oh you want to come it's a horror movie party I wanted to be the creature from the black lagoon but oh mr memory here forgot to buy the slime
02:59oh dear come on Carrie do you really live here I thought it was mostly people like next door hyenas mating in cactus groves
03:09no you know Abigail's dad's an admiral ah well you see I have special dispensation to live in the bishop and tory belt steady on we are not tory
03:20no we're both SDP
03:22SDP Dracula's they probably take a moderate line on murdering virgins
03:29how you doing I wish they didn't sound as if they were enjoying themselves so much I feel just a bit out of it you know like the club room attendant at an orgy
03:46sorry that will be Prince Charming wondering where I've got to
03:53oh hello Desmond how is life in the lobby
04:03sorry
04:06complaint
04:09yeah I can't hear you for the noise
04:11oh about the noise Desmond you are leaping to the wrong conclusions I am not holding a party
04:19I'm not holding an orgy either
04:22hi
04:24oh sorry
04:26uh just a minute Desmond I've just got to go off and ravish a dancing girl
04:30next door just follow the sound of screech hours having vasectomies without anesthetic
04:35I thought it was mating hyenas
04:38Carrie told me I'm Abby
04:41er Desmond could I talk to you later one of the goats has just got loose
04:45sorry I didn't realise you were on the phone I'm Abby the admiral's daughter the one giving the party
04:52well then at least you ought to know which flat it's being held in no one else seems to
04:56I just came round to apologise it is rather noisy
05:00mmm well I understand they're desperate in Russia to hear western pop music and tonight
05:04I think they should be able to
05:06well you can come if you like there's a couple of older people there now
05:11right I'll just go and get my walking frame and put my teeth in
05:17I didn't mean that
05:21horror films is it
05:23I could come from a million years BC
05:25or what about when dinosaurs walked the earth
05:27well you're very welcome to come if you want to
05:30thanks but no point I can hear it all from here
05:32bye
05:44god
05:46must be on me
05:51I could go as night of the living dead
05:55ah
05:57okay I'll sell for an ugly sister this time
06:00oh it is hello Desmond
06:05Mr Shelley I'm sorry but
06:08we're all a
06:11I've hidden them
06:13brides of Fu Manchu in the dressing table
06:16werewolves in the wardrobe
06:17and blobs entities and slimy monsters in the bath
06:20the party Desmond is next door
06:22well why didn't you say so earlier
06:24so it is the admiral's
06:27oh dear I was rather rude
06:28that's all right Desmond
06:29not to you to the admiral's guests
06:32on the other hand I have had a complaint
06:34this is rather a predicament
06:36well never mind Desmond forget about your responsibilities as part of the Buckingham Towers rapid deployment force and come on in and have a drink
06:43thank you
06:44thank you
06:45might be able to ascertain more about the nature of the festivities
06:52well Desmond I asked you in for a drink not so you could plant microphones in the wall
06:56well the Mexicans put worms in their tequila
07:03we don't know if the admiral himself is in residence
07:07would you like it straight or with a spider
07:10sorry?
07:11no I've grown rather fond of it
07:13anyway it's better straight
07:15yeah look look at this is good stuff Desmond look on the label
07:18twelve year old Scotch best drunk before April 1969
07:23no honestly it's okay
07:25it's not that Mr Shelley
07:26it's just that I do not partake of alcohol whilst on duty
07:29I'll make your coffee then
07:31no thank you
07:32I'm fine as I am
07:34Mr Shelley
07:35it seems that I do owe you an apology over my assumptions regarding the responsibility for the noise
07:41Desmond I think I would feel slighted if I wasn't your leading candidate
07:45ever since the day that Concord passed overhead and you came rushing up those stairs and told me to turn the volume down
07:50that was merely a confusion Mr Shelley
07:54oh Desmond just Shelley please
07:56it's what I'm used to
07:58and a good compromise between Mr Shelley and that get in the pigsty
08:04Shelley
08:05yeah alright it is a pigsty
08:07sit down
08:10God
08:11haven't gramophones come a long way since his master's voice
08:14stick the dog in front of that he'd have perforated eardrums
08:19I must be having a hell of a time
08:21shall have to take action
08:22it was after all our CBE who complained
08:25CBE?
08:26commander of the British Empire
08:28isn't that a bit of an insult these days
08:30I mean there's not exactly a lot of empire left to command
08:33I think they should at least make the honours realistic
08:36you know Dame Commander of a telephone box in Gibraltar
08:39and two men and a donkey selling out of date coronation mugs in a mud hut
08:44they forgot to demolish in Tristan da Kuna
08:47once people would have been proud to think there was a CBE underneath their floor
08:52make him sound like a plumbing fixture
08:55no
08:57Desmond you are right
08:58once they would have
09:00back then the parties we used to have
09:02old families would go
09:04make their own music round the piano
09:05play party games
09:07oh yes back then
09:09people used to talk to each other
09:11good were they?
09:13dreadful come to think of it
09:15I used to avoid them like the plague
09:18still hark at this racket
09:20we don't have much choice do we?
09:22I've been at rock concerts where it was quieter
09:24exactly
09:26and mind so much if it was something tasteful
09:28yourself impartial to Donazetti
09:30lead guitarist with the animals was he?
09:32this jungle music
09:36sounds like they've all got the screaming abdabs to me
09:39still look on the bright side Desmond
09:41the tax that lot of paying is subsidising one of our great opera companies
09:45to keep our cultural heritage alive by importing 20 stone German sopranos with bosoms like gasometers
09:52to recreate the roles of shy 14 year old lovers by trundling across the stage like traction engines
09:58all for the benefit of an audience of uncomprehending Japanese tourists drinking it in with the enthusiasm of a box of dead fish
10:06so you like this racket do you?
10:10no it sounds to me like they've all got screaming abdabs as well
10:13be alright if you were there but parties next door it's like artificial insemination
10:20you get all the inconvenience and none of the fun
10:26do stop nibbling my ear
10:32sorry?
10:36somebody next door just said do stop nibbling my ear
10:41well yeah they often do
10:44and it can't be the admiral's party
10:46it's his daughters Desmond
10:48his daughters?
10:50well I can't believe she's got his permission
10:52I shall have to intervene
10:53if it were done when tis done then to a well it were done quickly
10:56Macbeth
10:58Desmond he was about to murder somebody
11:01you can't be too firm with these sort of people
11:02people
11:13true
11:22treatment
11:26my
11:2715 minutes Desmond what are you up to
11:47it's getting louder
11:57there we go again don't bite so hard
12:04that was Desmond's voice
12:11hello
12:25good you came
12:27you didn't
12:32come in and have some punch
12:34to approve
12:52Desmond
12:55yes I was just further ascertaining the nature of the festivities
13:02we're teaching Desi to dance
13:04Desi
13:06I was just going to ask them to turn it down
13:09turn who down Desi?
13:11now I told you
13:12er
13:13king
13:15king
13:16king sunshine and the fun city stompers
13:18well done
13:20well done
13:22you see
13:24you see Desi's really a Donacetti group
13:28I like Donacetti
13:29lead guitarist with the animals is he?
13:31yes
13:32Judas
13:37do you two know each other?
13:38only in a professional capacity
13:40Desmond keeps vagabonds and undesirables out of our flats
13:44not always successfully
13:46here's another one for you Desmond
13:49er
13:50not while he's on duty thank you
13:52No, I, uh, never touch it.
13:56Now, this noise I came round about...
13:59Daddy always says it was the Navy's grog ration that won the war.
14:03The Admiral?
14:04Mm. He has a very high opinion of who Daddy does.
14:08Really?
14:09If he had a KBE, you could make as much noise as you want.
14:12Yes. Now, you come along with me, Desmond. I've got a surprise for you.
14:17And, knighthood, you could burn the building down.
14:24You have a bad effect on Desi.
14:27Make him all snippy sticks, like when he first came in.
14:30Well, you certainly know how to defuse him, getting him dancing.
14:33I mean, to him, Vera Lynn's the devil's music.
14:36Yeah, isn't he a wonderful character?
14:39Like something out of World War II?
14:41Yeah, Hitler.
14:42Oh. Don't be so nasty.
14:47I am obviously in that difficult age
14:51between being young and becoming a character.
15:10Escaping.
15:11Resting.
15:12I've forgotten what hard work it was, circulating.
15:16You know, going around, asking everyone what they do, where they work, if they're married.
15:22Like an endless social security interview, but with music and crisps laid off.
15:28Hmm.
15:29Hmm.
15:31Are you married? What do you do? Where do you work?
15:36No.
15:36No, right.
15:40I mean, no.
15:42You were right the first time.
15:44Let's cut all the where, what, who, and talk about something interesting.
15:48You know, the whys.
15:51Right.
15:54Why'd you choose your job?
15:56Do you believe in reincarnation?
15:58Not really.
15:59Someone once suggested I was a sloth in a former existence, but...
16:03You see, I think I used to be a gypsy in a previous life.
16:08Well paid, was it?
16:09Sorry.
16:10Suggest a why, and I'll talk about it.
16:13Well, don't you find small talk a drag?
16:15Hmm.
16:16But I find large talk very, very depressing.
16:19At parties, I always seem to end up sitting in the cheese canopies,
16:22discussing whether there's still hope for mankind
16:24with some intense and spotty Cambridge graduate
16:27who is living proof that there isn't.
16:32Oh, you're not a...
16:33No.
16:35Thank God.
16:36So, why are you here?
16:39I understand it's a toss-up between God and Darwin.
16:43No, I mean...
16:44Why are you at the party?
16:49Oh, I'm a refugee from next door.
16:51It's a choice between being deafened there alone
16:54and being deafened here in company.
16:56So you do prefer spotty graduates to no-one?
17:00Well, originally I came to rescue the whole pool time.
17:03Oh, you know him.
17:05Isn't he great?
17:07He's very mystical, you know.
17:12Desmond?
17:13Hmm.
17:14Apparently his wife was very into magic.
17:18Eh?
17:18Oh, yes.
17:20He said she was a real old witch.
17:25Yes, I don't think that's quite what he meant.
17:28You see, she attacked him with a steak tenderiser.
17:33Strange.
17:34I didn't take him for a victim.
17:36He seemed to me to have a very powerful psyche.
17:39Well, she had a very powerful steak tenderiser.
17:43Then it's surprising he's turned out as well as he has.
17:46Hmm.
17:47Medium rare.
17:50With him, I had a really interesting talk.
17:53Estelle, look.
17:56Oh, great.
17:59Uh, about the noise level.
18:02Oh, stop it, Des.
18:04Oh, Des now.
18:06Let's show up it.
18:08Right.
18:10Let's show up it.
18:11So, you came.
18:24Enjoying yourself?
18:25Well, yeah.
18:26Me neither.
18:28I don't understand parties.
18:30I sometimes think my generation doesn't know how to enjoy itself.
18:33Your generation does it much better.
18:35Uh, we hold parties, too.
18:40Oh.
18:40Well, perhaps it's the generation in between ours.
18:45I mean, look at this.
18:47I hate to agree with my father, but sometimes I think he's right.
18:50It's reverting to primitive jungle instincts.
18:53Well, perhaps that's unfair.
18:55On the jungle?
18:56I mean, you don't see a lot of chimpanzees throwing up into waste paper baskets.
19:02That's not a waste paper basket.
19:04He nicked that off the hunchback.
19:05That's a hump.
19:07A hump?
19:08Yeah, the hunchback of Notre Dame took it off.
19:11I think it was too hot.
19:12He wouldn't believe it.
19:13He qualifies as a barrister next year.
19:15The hunchback of Notre Dame?
19:17No, the guy being ill.
19:19Just does it to show off.
19:21Oh, God.
19:23What now?
19:23Well, someone's trying to drink the punch bowl in one.
19:28Typical.
19:29I mean, I just don't want you to get the wrong idea about my generation.
19:32No.
19:34I mean, the poor old porter who came out to ask them to quiet him down.
19:38The way they just ignored him.
19:40I don't think that's right.
19:42Hmm.
19:42Actually, it is him who's drinking the punch bowl.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46Meeting lots of interesting people.
20:09Well, I do feel just a tiny bit in the wrong age group.
20:13You know, I like the missing link trying to come to terms with video.
20:17You should enter into the spirit of things more, like Desmond.
20:20What, you mean to my impersonation of George Formby?
20:23Yes, he did get a bit carried away.
20:25Hmm.
20:26Was that him causing the trouble in the next room?
20:28Oh, no, no.
20:29That was the hunchback of Notre Dame putting his humpback on.
20:33Anyway, last record coming up.
20:35Desmond didn't even worry anymore.
20:36Yeah, I think Desmond's long past worrying.
20:38He's quietened down a bit.
20:40Well, you certainly twisted him round your little finger.
20:43I suppose we have been a bit naughty.
20:45But I like him.
20:46He's such an original.
20:48Yeah, like a Morris Minor.
20:50LAUGHTER
20:50Because all the rest of them have been scrapped.
20:54Well, he had a good time.
20:56Oh, yes, you have made an old man very happy.
20:59Oh, really?
21:00I'm so glad you enjoyed the party.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:03Well, would you care to have the last dance with the walking antique?
21:08Sorry.
21:09I'm already promised.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12Thank you for having me.
21:17I'll bet be making tracks.
21:19Another two minutes, I'll turn back into a pumpkin.
21:22I think I'd have had more fun staying home with a spider.
21:26PHONE RINGS
21:27Oh, so it's you, is it, making that bloody awful racket?
21:33I've already complained once.
21:36Do you know what time it is?
21:38Just turn it down, all right?
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41LAUGHTER
21:42Was that someone at the door?
21:46I think he was from the pyjama party downstairs.
21:49Oh, look, I think we're going to need your help.
21:53It's your friend Desmond.
21:54Could you possibly take him home?
21:56Why?
21:56You saw him empty the punch bowl.
21:58Yeah.
21:59Well, he's just refilled it.
22:00LAUGHTER
22:01LAUGHTER
22:02Feeling any better?
22:11Back to your old self.
22:13Ah, well, never mind.
22:17I don't know what caused it, Mr Shelley.
22:20Do you think somebody slipped something into my glass?
22:23LAUGHTER
22:24Yeah, alcohol.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:27Yeah, I suppose I was a little, you know, Brahms and Liszt.
22:32Hmm.
22:33And Bach and Shostakovich and Rachmaninoff.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36LAUGHTER
22:36You don't think he recognised me at our CBE?
22:41No.
22:42He obviously didn't get his honour for observation.
22:45Probably got it for services rendered to breaking up parties.
22:48Mind you, can't say I blame him.
22:51I don't think I shall ever forget tonight.
22:53Don't you worry, Desmond.
22:55I won't let you.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57Oh, I did my best to bring the party to a conclusion.
23:00Mm, by drinking all the booze so everyone had to go home.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:04No, Desmond, it was worth it.
23:06I shall always treasure the memory of you doing the twist.
23:10It was a good job some of us could still manage it.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:13You're all right.
23:14Tonight's put about 15 years onto my ego.
23:17From now, it won't be just the coppers on the beetle look so young.
23:21It'll be the chief inspectors as well.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:23There's a spider in this glass.
23:26Yeah, I was thinking of letting him go.
23:29You can't do that.
23:30We can't have arachnids taking over the flat.
23:32I know, no pets allowed, but I hardly think it covers him.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:37Should have squashed him.
23:39No.
23:40We got on very well together.
23:42Oh, well, a man is known by the company he keeps.
23:45Not Shakespeare again.
23:47No, that's...
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50Oh, dear.
23:51Something wrong?
23:52I'm going to be ill again.
23:54Well, you know what they say?
23:55What?
23:56If it were done when it is done,
23:57then, well, it were done quickly.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:01APPLAUSE