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TVTranscript
00:00.
00:30what's the matter haven't I powdered my nose no it's just the shock of seeing you on a Sunday
00:51moving about what on a day of rest you mean yeah in your case more like a day of catatonic trance
00:56I could be going to church popping up to blow open an offertory box oh yes I can just see you
01:02the first self-help good Samaritan well if it's milk you're after I'll let you have some
01:07no I'm fine thanks no I am off to be bloated larger than life-sized by my mother you know
01:12half a New Zealand's annual lamb output on one plate you've got a mother yes of course I've got
01:18a mother what do you expect spontaneous combustion there's another decline in standards seems anyone
01:24can have a mother these days my mother and I are very close you never mentioned her so we've got a
01:29natural empathy why I've never seen her around here well that it means a change of buses still
01:35she's always pleased to see me good visit her often well not for a while not since things have gone a bit
01:43wrong for me you know not since then you ought to take her something like what a letter of introduction
01:53hello mum hello stranger flowers well you said it was a proper do so I popped by the cemetery
02:15I thought I'd be in it before you came to visit me sorry Isabel have you taken much longer I'd only
02:23have identified you by your birthmark and that is an arrestable offense here chocolates what is this
02:31guilt I've had the walnut whirl not that much guilt oh no thanks the Turkish delight has gone as well
02:43on second thoughts I'd have recognized you anywhere scheming little con artist I don't understand it
02:52I mean my charm has turned women to jelly they probably had a rare disease here empty that will you
02:59how's Emma doing I'm still sounding wind and limb well less wind and more limb lately she's heavily into
03:10growing but we try to give her all the light and oxygen that we can thanks for babysitting for Fran by
03:18the way oh she's a lovely child you're sure she's yours surprise me said you were a good father hardly a
03:27week goes by when you don't pop around and leave a sixpence or something I tell her I'm the tooth fairy for
03:32inner London um what is this uh luncheon aid of anyway not another 50th birthday is it no it's the
03:40anniversary of Crippen when I poison the son of my choice yeah do something manly with his bottle will
03:49you that'll be Fran this is not all some Mills and Boone plot to get Cupid recharging his arrows is it
03:58good god no give he's got more sense so was Fran no it's called being civilized having lunch with your
04:07ex-wife to be huh and how many ex-husbands of yours are you got coming then it's a very small flat
04:16sit down over there Fran
04:32I don't believe my mother's introduced me uh we have met before actually I used to be your husband
04:42oh how do you do yes I do seem to remember some toothpaste stains in the bathroom I uh bought
04:49you some chocolates but my mother has had the walnut world oh and a strawberry cup but there is the
04:58chance of a rental arrangement on some dandelions that fell off the back of a hearse he doesn't
05:04change much does he afraid not Emma's already learnt most of his jokes off by heart the Greeks had the
05:10right idea abandoning unwanted children on mountaintops to die of exposure I should
05:16have left him on top of Parliament Hill Fields to be molested by poodles how about a nice Sunday roast
05:22she said and a chat just like old times and you don't remember how dreadful they were a trip down
05:28memory lane with you is like reliving the hundred years war I had my good points as a child I never made
05:35much dust I never told the neighbors I was illegitimate and my demands on Santa Claus were widely praised for their
05:45moderation but you did talk a lot you'd only just had your umbilical cord cut and you were offering
05:50the advice on postnatal depression 35 years of postnatal depression it's got to be a record
05:58what were his good points as a husband this is privileged information well his demands on Santa Claus
06:06were certainly very low but then he was a great believer in the magical powers of supplementary
06:10benefit this soup's very nice mother and that's a lovely outfit you're wearing and he did have a
06:16certain superficial and rather dated charm never mind James we both love you even if we wouldn't give
06:23your reference as a human being or accept a check after all a black sheep in the family is better
06:30than no sheep at all oh thank you I'll eat here again especially now I know the bus fare cost less
06:35than a takeaway now he lives alone he's the major shareholder in Kentucky Fried I do worry about you
06:43living alone all that furniture not getting a word in edgeways and where's your other half then
06:49thingy brought him a loose assortment of chocolates have you just looking forward to sitting on my
06:55stepdaddy's lap oh Leonard he's gone gone gone gone where where do they go you've not lost another
07:05husband have you mother well it's easily done they're not built to last these days
07:11but don't worry I'm getting another one no wonder I became a disturbed adult every 12 months I get a
07:19new father figure and have you thought who's going to get custody of me this time pass you were lucky
07:28growing up with different fathers me every morning I get up and find my son was still the same one and
07:33him every morning you wouldn't get up my sympathies I'm the victim of progressive parenthood Fran lack of
07:40discipline loose suburban morals even at five I had dolls with all their bits on not when you'd finish
07:48with them if it wasn't for my decadent upbringing and the fact that my ma entertained more gentleman
07:56callers and the Encyclopedia Britannica ad salesman I'd be a model husband today and I'd still be living with
08:03you thanks Isabel James you were brought up on dr. Spock not the karma sutra anyway at least when
08:10the 60s arrived your libido was ready and available for active service half your school friends thought
08:15they came from a long line of gooseberry bushes but the sexual revolution was never meant for mothers
08:20you know wild living was specifically designed for us under 30s under 35s never meant for mothers oh you
08:29ungrateful little sod you were supposed to grow up to be a libertarian I spent years teaching you
08:35that things that go bump in the night are other people enjoying themselves I had a dreadful childhood
08:44other kids used to read dirty books under the bedclothes with a torch in our family we discussed them
08:49over tea oh Shelly it's true and I was the only child in the street who had building blocks that
08:54spelt sex is fun I still lie awake at nights worrying in case self-abuse was made compulsory
09:01anyway who is this um a another that's gonna be my new daddy then hmm replacing the ill-starred Leonard
09:11it's an alistair this time I got him out of a mail order catalogue and James God knows why I ask you
09:20you little prude but will you give me away again I gave you away last time I can't keep meeting a
09:29vicar like this I mean what Lee think me keep trundling down the aisle every Saturday continually handing my
09:36mother over to total strangers I've only had two husbands you left a plea bargain you will have to
09:44promise to do at least 18 months this time one was divorced I'll say you got a fault that you keep
09:49being returned and one of them misplaced and skate more like it all gone the way of much use fresh
09:56poor bugger this Alistair does he know that black widow spiders come to you for advice don't you
10:07are speaking to your mother I think well you know what a liberal upbringing means mother no respect for
10:13sacred cows or any other sort oh you little sod this is true Isabel here choke on some celery my
10:26sweetest leave the washing up mum yeah leave the washing up he'll send a man round promises promises
10:43so where was I oh yeah so Paul finally used the line sex is just aerobics with a friend
10:50oh you're starting to do your fatty Arbuckle impersonation again I know junk food junk body I
10:59reckon I could get sponsorship from cholesterol manufacturers you could probably get a free
11:05voucher from a funeral parlor as well I've got a couple of gray hairs already you know
11:09caught them off an old-age pensioner on the bus couple to get rid of that lot you'd need a
11:16flamethrower my poor little Adonis ravaged by time sugar no thanks to please and none for Shelley you ought
11:28to go to keep thick classes like me you've not become a joggers groupie have you just go once a
11:35week to say hello to the outlying parts of my body that I haven't been in touch with for years it's
11:40quite fun well you know me I reckon once you've done one press-up you've done them all that's my
11:47brain that needs exercise these days friend sometimes I feel I should have one of those polythene parking
11:53meter bags stuck over my head with the words out of order on it yes snap hundred million brain cells in
11:59there all working short time I'm suffering from the one parent family disease I mean Emma's
12:08stimulating but she hasn't got around to discussing the riddles of the universe yet yes eternal questions
12:14that was always my strong point discussing them not solving them no no what are we telling Emma about God
12:23well she's not asking a lot yet what did your mother tell you about God now a humanist household
12:31from the age of three all I ever believed in was the e equaled mc squared I mean it's more practical
12:37but it's not got the mystery what no prayers at bedtime I was told heaven was just an answer phone
12:43service saying God was out no one knew when he was expected back milk no thanks
12:51no twice
12:53your family were non-conformists weren't they yes mainly believed in money not that they were
13:02doctrinaire about it could be travelers checks gold bars or premium bonds but they went to church yes
13:08so they didn't tell your father about the camel the eye of the needle and the rich man yes but my
13:14father believed if you got really rich you could just buy a bigger needle
13:17poor little Emma why I've been listening to you two imagine the odds against her being the offspring of two
13:28physical wrecks two mental cabbages and two religious derelicts and two financial bankrupt
13:33genetics must have really got it in for her well this time reforming oh yes yeah I'm giving up milk and sugar
13:42sugar
13:49you were fancy coming up to my place darling you won't try nothing on like getting me up there and then
14:11talking about marriage nothing respectable all right then you won't take advantage of a poor girl like
14:20declaring undying love no ulterior motive won't even offer you a coffee all right then just so long as all
14:29you want is to get your leg over okay then
14:36does your mother know you sleep with married women got a gold star for it when I was six
14:53lost it at 12 for sleeping with married men
14:58odd though this isn't it feel like a forbidden fruit do you which did you have in mind nothing sexist like a pair of melons I hope
15:09yes it is strange exciting even bit like adultery for beginners what never knowing if you'd
15:17have to exit down a drain pipe with your trousers sent on by post well yes I've always been deterred by the
15:23fear that someone with apoplexy in a 12-bore would burst in and take potshots of my privates
15:28don't worry you're quite safe my husband's a sort of small weedy bloke who wouldn't make a fuss
15:35oh there's gratitude and after I've just fulfilled you oh really I was a mrs. Smith for two days once
15:46at university I had a married lecturer who somehow convinced me that a weekend in the railway hotel
15:52primrose suite was just the standard extension of the curriculum on medieval English poetry
15:59I remember him telling me that as thou shalt not kill is widely interpreted as approval for mass carnage
16:04so clearly thou shalt not commit adultery is just God's way of giving the thumbs up to unfettered debauchery
16:11well he was a dom
16:13I should have thought a railway hotel was more of a deterrent than the fourth commandment
16:17oh no it's the trimmings phony ring false name false beard and receptionist that wink
16:24and doing it in the afternoon there's something about doing it in the afternoon
16:30sex out of hours that's what above and beyond the call of duty
16:36yes I suppose so this does feel like hooky as well as nookie
16:41shades of the happy hour when housewives do it with milkman
16:48well I can go and get a bottle and a peak cap if that's what it takes
16:52what? all the gear?
16:55Caw! not the uniform! not the milkman's uniform!
16:59Caw! you really know how to pleasure a lady guff
17:02could be a new fetish sweeping the country
17:06milk wear as seen in your local sex shop
17:09I mean not quite as kinky as a stormtrooper's outfit but it could make you order a couple of extra pints
17:16why'd you come back this afternoon?
17:21the old charm the smooth tongue the occasional flash of thigh
17:28this bed's a bit lumpy
17:31well it's Paul's I know his sex life quantity rather than quality
17:36so you came back because?
17:40do you ever hear from him?
17:41what from Saudi Arabia?
17:43well given that his main interest is alcohol and that his second interest is alcohol mixed with women
17:49all I expect to hear from him is a short telegram postmarked jail
17:53still I gather he's doing so well he can set up as a small Arab state of his own
17:59I go myself but I'm allergic to sand
18:02Fran
18:04odd how one loses touch
18:06all those people I knew as a student
18:09there were several who could read and write but I never hear from them
18:12you won't
18:13all our friends have been struck down by marriage
18:16struck dumb by motherhood
18:18or struck just plain boring by mortgages
18:21but then
18:23into the valley of the shadow of middle age we write
18:26I suppose so
18:28a bit sad really
18:30hmm
18:31yes it is a lonely time
18:33thirty to seventy
18:35on one's own
18:37alone
18:38yes
18:39yes that's why I like to keep at least one stud in every postal district
18:43just in case I'm caught short
18:45what even SE 27
18:48Fran
18:50look Shelly I've agreed you've got charm don't push your luck
18:52I just fancied you again that's all
18:56it's nothing personal
18:58anyway it really is time I was going
19:02nah do stay a bit longer eh
19:04I mean I could give you another flash of thigh
19:07or we could um
19:09I don't think you should try for an encore with middle age coming on
19:12Fran we ought to talk
19:17meaning you ought to talk and I ought to listen
19:19Fran we should give things another go
19:24I mean you and I we get on well together
19:26you laugh at my jokes
19:28we have the same interests
19:29we even have the same daughter
19:31and take this afternoon
19:34we've been together for nearly four hours
19:36and hardly a cross word
19:38it makes sense to get back together again
19:40it'll save on bus vests for a start
19:42we'd only need one set of edit notepaper
19:46and between us there'd be no waste on a take away pizza
19:49and as for work
19:51once the world recession's over
19:53there'll be no holding me back I promise
19:55hmm what you say
19:58I've had a nice afternoon Shelly
20:00and thank you for the sex
20:02but as for the small matter of spending a lifetime with you
20:07we'll just have to wait and see
20:09but you've enjoyed yourself
20:11oh I admit you're a beta double plus between the sheets
20:14and I like attics
20:16but I've told you before Mr Shelly
20:18woman cannot live by sex and social security payments alone
20:24do you remember the first time we went to bed together
20:29is this the nostalgia gambit
20:31because with your powers of prose
20:32it'll take us ten years to get to the present day
20:34and I have to go
20:36I have to
20:37at the stroke of six I turn into a mother again
20:40remember I had a pumpkin
20:42little Emma
20:43I could list my good points if you've got time
20:49alphabetically or in random batches of twenty
20:53ever since I nearly tied a reef knot
20:55at the Cubs and won a medal for it
20:58there's a been a side to me the public knows very little about
21:01like my work for charity
21:03how I always buy a spare poppy on remembrance day
21:06I'm wasted as a bachelor you know
21:09in any other country I'd have been snapped up months ago
21:12I got all my own teeth and very few artificial preservatives
21:16of course there is one small minus to your otherwise delightful personality
21:21what's that?
21:23squalor
21:24you don't so much live in places Shelly as mulch down in them
21:27it is simply not normal for a flat to develop an undergrowth
21:32lost food, recycled dirt, antique mice droppings
21:37and forms of coffee fungus even the Lister Institute hasn't heard of
21:42and a representative cross section of the last decades underwear
21:47can be a real turn off for some girls
21:49but you're the only girl for me Franny beloved
21:53you're the one who refreshes those parts of the body other women cannot reach
21:58you were the one who
22:01what?
22:02that was the pathos gambit
22:05no?
22:07no
22:08I got a line about saving myself for you
22:12why don't you stick to insults and abuse the things you do best
22:15ow
22:19you off?
22:20I'm off
22:21I'll get up
22:23no don't get up
22:24no no I'll get up
22:25no don't get up
22:26I wouldn't want you changing the habits of a lifetime
22:30but I'm reforming
22:32maybe
22:33but after all these years I want to remember you as I knew you
22:36and seeing you out of bed
22:38it's just not natural
22:41bye Shelly
22:43bye
22:46same time
22:49same place
22:52next week
22:53I'm all a big
22:54I'm a big
22:56I'm gonna get you out of bed