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00:00Piano music
00:30ORGAN PLAYS
01:00Go away. Fran, sorry. No, no. Fine. How are you? Good. And how's Emma? Wakes you up in the middle of the night? Well, fancy anyone doing that. Yes, I do know what time it is, but I'm working a night shift.
01:19Well, you know how I feel about work? Same way your father feels about castrating muggers. An excellent idea, but I'd rather not have to do it myself.
01:31Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Why do you keep asking? What are you about to tell me? Start divorce proceedings?
01:43Fran? Hello? Hello? Oh, God.
01:50Oh, good afternoon. Hello.
02:02Good afternoon. Good afternoon. Do have a seat.
02:05Everybody sitting comfortably?
02:11Now, how can I help you? We'd like a divorce.
02:16Both of them? Just me. I'm Mrs Shelley.
02:22Mrs Shelley. Ah, yes, your father rang up.
02:25And this is Mrs Hawkins, my moral support.
02:28I insisted. Her dad was going to come along, but she didn't want that, so I did.
02:33He was a shocking man.
02:35Huh?
02:36Shelley!
02:37Ah, so you wish to start divorce proceedings?
02:42Yes.
02:47Is that legally difficult?
02:49Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Just rather sad. Young woman like you. What a pity.
02:57My son, you know, only 34, divorced twice, already on his third wife.
03:02Like Prime Ministers, you no sooner get used to one than they go and change.
03:06Isn't it dreadful?
03:08Well, look, I'm not exactly happy about it either.
03:11But I would like some advice.
03:13Take all your money out of the joint bank account.
03:15Don't let him into the house. Change the locks if you have to.
03:18Don't let him see the child until he starts paying maintenance and call the police if he bothers you.
03:23What?
03:24It's dreadful, isn't it? But it has to be done.
03:26But the bank account...
03:27Now, you do as he says.
03:28Oh, you mustn't have scruples. Transfer it into your name.
03:32But if I do, it'll be me that has the £2,000 overdraft.
03:41Transfer it into his name.
03:44Yes, I think Kat will leave that for the moment.
03:47Look, let me explain to you about divorce.
03:50Now, you can't get a divorce unless you have been married for three years.
03:55Other than in cases of exceptional depravity.
03:57Oh, well, that's no problem then.
03:59Mrs. H.
04:00He used to walk about the house in Mrs. Ratcliffe's pyjamas.
04:06Tops didn't match the bottoms half the time.
04:08I think even that hardly constitutes exceptional depravity.
04:13Look, I'll send a letter with some legal threats around to your husband later today and that should provoke some sort of response.
04:22In the meanwhile, I suppose you are left with adultery or unreasonable behaviour?
04:28Adultery?
04:29No.
04:30Oh, well, we're stuck with your husband's unreasonable behaviour then.
04:31I have been ever since I've known him.
04:35Mr. Shelley?
04:36Yes, Darth Vader.
04:37No.
04:38You sign for this?
04:39Probably not without Mrs. Whitehouse bringing a private prosecution for indecent exposure.
04:54In bed, were you?
04:55No.
04:56No, I'm just rehearsing the 1982 Miss Floral Duvet competition.
05:01Still, you were close.
05:02With powers of observation like yours you should join the CID and you could wake people up and
05:23ask them stupid questions all day instead of just doing it as I'll be.
05:28Wife left you, has she?
05:29you put your life in your own hands when you deliver one of these three times I got beaten
05:35up and once cited as correspondent more dangerous than eviction notices I used to attack my wife
05:42with her own rolling pin yeah especially when she woke me up when I was trying to sleep
05:47have you signed that have you the Egyptians you know used to chop their heads off messengers
05:53who brought bad news by unreasonable behavior irretrievable breakdown bloody hell
06:23exceptional depravity
06:29Fran oh hello mrs. H it's Shelly here is Fran there
06:44well I'd hardly say I wrecked her whole life they were the 20 odd years when she didn't know me
06:50well if you as an unbiased observer feel that mrs. H fair enough but if you could get her to ring me
06:58back thanks very much oh and by the way sorry about the Lisbon earthquake of 1755
07:04no I just thought you don't mean responsible for that as well
07:09sorry to keep you waiting mr. Shelly spot of unforeseen habeas corpus do sit down
07:22it's some it's divorce you want our advice on yes yes my wife's lawyers that old established firm of
07:33vulture vulture and jackal seem under the impression that I am the possessor of a vast fortune on which
07:39they wish to get their claws so I have come to you so you can get your claws on it instead mr. Shelly
07:45there is such a thing as free legal advice if you're genuinely poor no I'm genuinely poor when I show
07:51tramps my bank statements they give me the price of a cup of tea in that case you shouldn't have to
07:56pay anything what do you earn roughly 95 to 100 pounds a week gross net that's not bad yes but
08:03it's only temporary and I do have the sort of overdraft where you normally call in the official
08:07receiver I'm afraid that that's irrelevant for legal aid purposes mr. Shelly you're what we'd call
08:12genuinely rich I don't get any aid no and our normal rates mr. Shelly are 25 pounds an hour plus
08:19VAT plus disbursements 25 pounds an hour are you sure you can manage on that that's why lawyers talk
08:28so slowly you know strings out the trial just their ums and errs would feed the average British family
08:35for a year I think you're rather exaggerating mr. Shelly exaggerating listen if the average barrister
08:41blew his nose in court twice an hour it would buy him a Mercedes by the time he's 45 sometimes I think
08:47you make it up as you go along your honor I should like to ask leave to apply for an octopus pro quid
08:53quay with a groucho Marxist and a coitus interrupters on the grounds of a walrus to vagina a mucous
09:00terramus salata and a lotus helen I mean come on all those names it's like the orbit well mr. Shelly
09:08that would have cost you about 68p if you were poor but in your case it'll be nearer one pound 80
09:13I should like to point out an addition mr. Shelly that some of us would agree with your less exotic
09:19points about our profession which is why we work for very little in converted cardboard boxes where
09:24we have to deal with nutters and troublemakers like yourself sorry that's all right now about
09:32this letter sadly a letter more like a mugging with edited note paper oh this is really nothing to worry
09:39about nothing to worry about you haven't seen the pound of flesh clause I got to pay an entrance fee
09:43to see my own daughter I'm surprised they don't want 50% of my dandruff are you sure your wife isn't
09:50divorcing you on the grounds of unreasonable exaggeration mr. Shelly this letter's merely an
09:55opening salvo an opening salvo is more like yes mr. Shelly well it's a little bit strong yes but we can do
10:04the same all this mainly establishes the battleground for the terms of the divorce settlement but I don't
10:08want to divorce oh oh then we oppose it and well you wear a suit your wife flashes her eyes at the
10:16judge and you both tell lots of lies about each other from which a fair and equitable settlement is
10:21arranged good heavens you sound more cynical about the law than me look I hesitate to sound like a social
10:28worker in case you air your views on that profession but when one partner wants to end a marriage
10:33I really can't see what the other can gain I know it's just that well we were going to give
10:38it a while I think I was meant to be on suspension you know one more case of petty bankruptcy or grievous
10:44bodily inertia and I was out I would like a bit of time right let's be practical then
10:53now if your wife sues for divorce the easiest way would be adultery is that a suggestion
10:58I take it then that adultery hasn't taken place yes to the best of your belief I think it's something
11:07I would have noticed I meant your wife mr. Shelly ah it hasn't taken place right well in that case you
11:15will have to prove your unreasonable behavior now then let's see have you ever hit your wife mr. Shelly no
11:21do you drink gamble fight no for your equals in your marriage yes you treated her with consideration
11:32and tenderness yes will you marry me mr. Shelly sorry there can't be many husbands like you it's hard to
11:44see why she's leaving you ah probably because I'm impossible to live with ah but I'm also very lovable
11:50I'll tell the judge look what I suggest is that I reply to this letter in a similarly aggressive
11:56vein and that we need to meet again next week if you can afford to ah you want money do you no
12:01no we'll send you a bill and settle up next time oh glad you told me that why well so I can book the
12:06secure a secure core van now
12:12oh
12:14oh
12:16oh
12:18oh
12:20oh
12:22oh
12:24oh
12:26oh
12:28oh
12:30oh
12:32oh
12:34oh hello
12:39i know
12:40sorry i am four pounds 75p late
12:44a spot of unexpected de omnibus cancellation
12:47never mind have a drink
12:49oh thanks are we uh
12:51celebrating like the reverse my client got seven years he must have been a very bad husband to get that
12:56he didn't marry people he robbed them ah he was a lawyer
13:05to use one of my less latin phrases you are at times a bit of a sod mr shelley james please
13:12right
13:16james you sod tell me what led to the final breakdown of your marriage
13:19my wife's father he paid our bills well in all my years in the courts i've never come across a crime
13:25that terrible he paid your debts he had to he couldn't let his daughter starve but normally
13:30he'd have to catch pneumonia before he'd cough up he's a sort of a tiller the hun in bedroom slippers
13:38it doesn't water his peas in case it saps their independence
13:41he has for me the sort of hatred he normally reserves for greenfly
13:46he'd sell his soul twice to see me overcharged at a tobacconist
13:50in fact he would like to do to me what barry manilow does to music
13:57i gather there's something you don't like about him
13:59how was the homework brought me lots of bump on your husband
14:09oh dear no if they're going to oppose divorce we'll need at least five pages of evidence
14:15what would you like me to do go back and live with him so i can collect some more
14:19get him to beat me up when i'm wearing a hidden microphone
14:23look suppose i ask you a few questions just for now
14:26i'm sorry to have to ask this but um was there any trouble in bed yes he wouldn't get out of it
14:39i see he made it his habit not to work his habit his career when he yawned he needed three hours to
14:48recover from the exertion oh this is good very good primary reason for breakup
14:56husband's lassitude
15:02so you'd say her father was the main reason the marriage broke up yes your wife's lawyer didn't
15:07mention something about bills in the letter there were bills yes but only small ones well not small
15:12more sort of large very large really but you say that her father was the reason the marriage broke
15:20well mainly him him and her and me well mostly me probably i see trouble is marriages are made in
15:33heaven if they were made in japan they might be more reliable than last night
15:36so the letter's not entirely fictitious when it mentions your gross and repeated financial
15:44inexpediency can you translate you're hopeless with money seems fair trouble is if i'd have had a bit
15:52more practice owning it i might have improved anything else i ought to know i'm unreliable arrogant childish
16:00i'm bone idle and you want me to oppose their allegation of unreasonable behavior
16:06there's not a lot of point in me fighting this divorce is there not really not if your wife wants
16:12it i think fran and i better meet up i'll tell her then tell her oh but james now whatever you do
16:20don't sign anything he's not nearly as bad as he sounds you know just impossible sometimes i think
16:32it's not a wife he needs but an audience do you have to take all this down sad but needful is it look
16:42i've been reading up on divorce in the library and it does seem to me
16:46mm-hmm well i know i'm changing my mind but what's wrong with forgetting all this and agreeing
16:51on a separation and with your assets being so minimal nothing you hardly need fight over ownership
16:57of the gas bill i'll tell him that when i see him fine just make sure you don't sign anything
17:16you don't sign anything you don't sign anything you don't sign anything you don't sign anything
17:29hi hi come in
17:34mrs h hello fran didn't mention you were coming i insisted
17:39mind you i'd have thought twice about it if i'd known your lift didn't work
17:42oh looks like the finishing line of the london marathon this
17:49well it is the eighth floor amazing you get any visitors up here at all well there was sir edmund
17:53hillary in 1953 then this uh japanese guy who did the first ascent of the north staircase
18:00we might have a flat warming party soon bring your own oxygen
18:03drink we can't stay long i've got to be back to pick up emma at 8 30. that's an hour i was offering whiskey not chloroform
18:15i'll have a small one i have a large one are you sure you can afford it don't worry it's not mine it's paul's
18:23tea mrs h i'd like a whiskey too god it isn't going to be that grim is it
18:28it's not a bad place this no funny smell
18:39it's very clean well you see i haven't got around to dirty in it yet i've ordered three
18:44gross of uh used coffee cups to pile in the sink but they haven't arrived yet
18:47well i suppose we better talk about it
18:58would you like me to go down on one knee and propose divorce or we could go the old log and have the
19:03service with this writ i thee divorce the co-respondent speech the toast i give you the bride because she
19:10doesn't want me anymore then instead of confetti we could throw plates shelly sorry
19:15look about this divorce i've been thinking me too and i'm going to agree what but i don't want
19:26it god can't you two agree about anything you don't want a divorce well no now look you want to live
19:35apart don't you yes but you don't want to divorce anymore no right well there's nothing to divide
19:40up so fran lives in the house with emma and you live here and you'll give us some money for emma
19:46won't you yes and you'll let him see her of course well then why do you need lawyers
19:53well we don't i suppose oh that's that settled then you know mrs h if they'd have employed you
19:59kramer versus kramer would have only been 30 seconds long
20:02well then i suppose we'd better be off um all right i know i'll let you have two minutes alone
20:14no longer because i don't like the look of that porter downstairs thanks very much mrs h you've been
20:21a great help bye then goodbye now look you look after yourself you worry me you do i mean all this
20:31tidiness
20:35you're not ill are you you look mrs h i bet all the junk's been shoved in the bedroom
20:39oh well that's all right then goodbye do you remember two minutes
20:56well well how's emma fine can i come and see her whenever you want
21:04after all i do have a 50 percent chair in her i've noticed she always sleeps on her left side too
21:13what you tell her that daddy was a top secret spy working abroad
21:17the jesus had taken him for a sunbeam
21:22no that we'd separated no mystery in modern life she doesn't really understand what's happened yet fran
21:29i don't really understand what's happened yet i wander around supermarkets looking for non-family
21:33packs searching out divorce size cornflake packets you don't change do you i'm trying
21:41hard work clean living and plenty of exercise that's the answer i'm modeling myself on your father
21:47birch three shoplifters before breakfast
21:50shelley if we talk about my father we're gonna quarrel read kipling to the runner beans
21:55and advocate a limited nuclear strike against anyone found eating peas with their knife
22:00how's your job dreadful boring unpleasant that a bit like your father
22:06i'm going shelley no stay sorry i have another drink i am trying it's just that
22:13when i see you my self-destruct mechanism comes into operation
22:17i'm like a satellite i break up as soon as i start re-entering marriage
22:21you can ask me what my job's like again if you want what's your job like it's still dreadful
22:28lived up to all my worst expectations i can't see what was wrong with honest poverty after all it
22:34was in the contract for richer or for poorer yes but there was nothing about in repossession and in
22:40overdraft sorry it's odd though people keep calling me mrs shelley they never did that before i got
22:49separated listen if we're just gonna get separated do you want to think about it again in a year or two
22:56you know if i'm still a reliable reformed character who stopped making jokes about your cooking
23:00i was getting quite good if we hadn't separated i'd have tried out my first casserole why do you
23:05think i left when i maybe i'll give you another chance next year look
23:13look look you better go mrs h will be upsetting the porter yeah
23:28well give me a ring about emma and when you come round we can sort anything out
23:31okay bye then bye you are all right are you fine sure fine just spiritually drained physically exhausted
23:41and badly paid now you know how it felt to be married to you
24:11you know how it felt to be married to me
24:16so
24:27oh