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00:00Piano music
00:30she's still at it she's been at it on and off for ages two and a half hours
00:42ring up Norris McMurter she's going for the record there must be something we
00:48can do know what today is what the 42nd of what of our daughter's short but
00:55noisy life she's six weeks old today oh sweet of you to think of it uh no not
01:01really you see 42 is the magic number six weeks the end of Ramadan the lifting of
01:07no more wandering in the wilderness today we come in from the cold what are you
01:15on about snugglers no I'm not on about oh see what you mean yeah you remember that
01:22doctor we advised that normal marital relations be resumed only after a
01:27period of six weeks oh god you want your oats again now why didn't I put it
01:34like that Shelley you can forget it I nearly did after 42 days of abstinence I
01:42could hardly remember where to start but luckily I came home via the station
01:46toilets it's all there you know written on the side of the system it's been there
01:51since I was 10 everything you always wanted to know about sex but were too
01:55short to read
01:56I'm taller now so I got gend up I said forget it but Fran it's permitted I don't
02:04like being permitted to make love makes me sound like a prize heifer
02:10come on Fran be reasonable hold out some hope I just hate doing it to doctors
02:14orders I can still see that student grinning at me as he stitched me up do a
02:19good job did he
02:20too good I hope
02:23you're not gonna find out not tonight if you think I'm gonna lie there with Emma
02:32going wah in one ear and you going woo-woo in the other and you're all that she's
02:36stable
02:37woo-woo I don't go woo-hoo do you know I think she's ill she must be what does Spock say what
02:50does he know he's a Vulcan sorry I was looking it up just now she should have stopped half an hour ago
02:58do you think we should call the doctor and don't say call him what yeah all right all right now
03:02let's not panic have we tried everything bright water yes soggy nappy yes good
03:08talking to no Shelley we have not tried a good talking to right Emma are you
03:15listen to me my girl any more of that damn nonsense and I'll take the beads out of
03:18your rattle well at least you managed to change the subject what subject is there sex after Emma I don't
03:32mean to be negative I mean if Emma's not ill and if she sleeps and if before if I still fancy you there's
03:41only one way to find that out Shelley not on the stairs I remember when it was the backseat of
03:48someone else's mini oh Shelley oh no not her not tonight she said she wasn't coming tonight
03:55definitely not it's her well well what you're gonna leave me out here all night that's what you want
04:10Mrs H well as my sweet little babbikins thing I'm fine thanks bit time I mean Emma not you you work
04:23shy twit work shy listen I've just applied for a position hello Frank hello Mrs H what position
04:33missionary for a start then later on oh it's that again is it typical can't you leave her alone she's
04:45got the baby or the worry and the work things get on top of you you know
04:50shut up no Mrs H you're right Fran needs rest but Mrs H I am a man the sap rises within me the pulse
05:04of procreation surges through my veins I need a woman Mrs H perhaps an older woman
05:11a woman of mature understanding who in her infinite compassion would give Fran the peace
05:18she needs and give me herself here I'm gonna slip up to the bedroom I'm with you Mrs H
05:24here she's crying we know Mrs H well why I've been hitting her oh she just won't stop crying
05:37oh well don't you worry lovey I'll go and give her a cuddle she'll be all right I won't be a sick
05:41you were gonna take Emma to the doctor today I didn't get round to it well what were you doing
05:48oh this and that feeding her changing her washing nappies washing baby grows washing her sterilizing
05:55bottles mixing feeds walking her up and down changing her blankets when she was sick washing her again
05:59ditto drying nappies drying baby grows trying to dry past the pants with a tea towel all right all right
06:04I surrender who's auntie Edna's little girl then who's gonna go bye-byes now
06:11hey I know what we need I know what you need you said
06:31mictapol what mictapol sort of pink medicine you give it to kids to go out like a light this fellow
06:40down the dole raves about it you can't give stuff like that to a six-week-old baby not even for one
06:45night of passion not even for a 10-minute grope 10 minutes listen after all this time it'll be 30 seconds
06:54yeah you haven't been hitting that child oh dear haven't we Fran whose turn was it to hit Emma
07:03shut up that child is ill what she is in pain has she been sick
07:11yes well there you are then she's always sick mrs. H after every meal it's her version of leaving a bit on the plate
07:18for mr. manners I mean she usually leaves a bit all down the front of my trousers
07:22I think she has a blockage of the bowel she hasn't
07:29are you a doctor then eh eh no mrs. H I'm not a doctor but I am a nappy changer and I can assure you
07:37Emma does not have a blockage of the bowel all right then don't go on I don't she does
07:43she's a one-woman fecal factory she's about as blocked as Niagara she's producing the stuff faster
07:52than Fleet Street can print it very funny but you laugh on the other side of your face when
07:58she's rushed off to hospital tomorrow oh come on Shelly ring the doctor but it's 8 30 in the doctor
08:04I'll tell you what I'll do I'll ring the doctor I just know there's something wrong and I don't panic
08:11lovey she'll be all right it's probably something very simple hello is that the doctor what time of
08:23day do I call this I call it Arnold what do you call look is this right for dr. Morris oh he's on
08:32holiday is that the locum the locums ill so is that the locum to the locum to the doctor oh it's the
08:41locum to the locum to the doctor's wife listen my name's Shelly James Shelly 14 Causeway Road
08:47Fulham SW6 it's my daughter she's ill yes sorry about that but she's very young she doesn't know
08:54you're not allowed to be ill outside surgery hours is this a what a real emergency oh no no this is a
09:04fairytale emergency this is a real snow white and the seven dwarves emergency sneeze he's ripped his neck
09:10grumpy's got depression happy's got hysterics dopey's on drugs and as for doc he's got real problems he's
09:17got a locum you see and oh funny she hung up
09:24I hope that was quick come on in oh yeah well um right I'm Shelly yes mr. Shelly would you mind if I
09:36came inside for a moment you are inside yes I know but that's how we're meant to start out you see look
09:42uh gain entry it says you see foot in door sort of thing you're not the doctor me no you're selling
09:48something yes oh I mean no I can't sell you anything sir I can only point out the obvious advantages of our
09:57product shower units double glazing smoke alarms double glazing actually oh good get out
10:04just a sec here ah congratulations sir your house is the only one in this area to be selected to
10:13become one of our show houses and that means pounds for you you sure this house oh yes well
10:19every house around here has been selected as the only one in the area you're not very good at this are
10:24you no make much money do you know but I'm a bus driver during the day and after this
10:29our night port took the regal so it's not too bad stone me no wonder I can't get a job you've got
10:36them all why do you work so hard I've got kids oh yeah you bedroom oh dear they said this might
10:46happen oh mrs. H this is not the doctor this is a salesman sort of this is mrs. H oh do you live
10:53locally mrs. H a West Hampstead pain loss road congratulations your house is the only one on the
10:58earth to be selected to become one of our show houses and that means pounds for you oh smashing
11:04yeah wait there mrs. H and don't sign anything hello I'm the sawbones the quack the medico the leech
11:14the doctor correct them who's ill you you look a bit seedy shall I go in hello hello who's the old
11:22patient then how are you you look dreadful didn't your wife tell you no no time I just grabbed the
11:28address and ran I got kids you see one of them was yelling away upstairs another one was bringing his
11:33heart up in the fireplace I got out of their PD queue I can tell you can't stand kids our child that's
11:42oh no it isn't is it oh god do you live locally doctor Morton Street oh congratulations oh thanks
11:53oh boy I got double glazing still at it ah this is the baby's mother yes that's right I'm the baby's
11:59mother I used to be a person but now I'm the baby's mother Fran love this is the doctor and this isn't
12:05well I suppose I better have a look at the little bugger how old is he she is six weeks old exactly
12:12exactly ah-ha 42 days six weeks
12:42she's okay while I do this soon as I stop she yells good Lord small babies aren't they
13:09you tried a dummy no we don't like them shuts the little buggers up not for us they can't feel the
13:21difference I could I think we dip ours we dip ours in honey or have a car that works now what is this
13:29sir that part of Emma's preparation for life what well I also get used to what dreadful place the world is
13:36you see she wakes up looks up and sees the moon and the stars bloody Nora she thinks I'm an ancient
13:42Greek and they've stuck me out on the hillside to see if I survived it helps to foster a healthy sense
13:48of insecurity I ought to do that well you can get them easily enough I mean shove them out on the hillside
13:54she's not cold doctor see she's well wrapped up yes you see that blankets all part of the training we tuck
14:03it round her all soft and cuddly then I sneak in and whip it away I call it her insecurity blanket
14:08Shelley please I'm tired she's fed doctor and dry we could use a dummy come to that what part of the
14:16training Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays we dip it in honey Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays evo stick
14:21Shelley just go away just a joke go away or believe me lover 42 days will seem as but the blink of an
14:31eyelid I'm going I'm going hello 20 pounds 20 pounds yes mr. Shelley I know now I'm mrs. H that's mr.
14:49Shelley oh well sorry yeah wrong page and yes mrs. H if we agree to install double glazing in your home
14:57as a show house for our product then every time we bring someone round to inspect it sir we will pay
15:01you 20 pounds do you hear that 20 pounds I hear I do not believe of course we won't be bringing people
15:08round all the time oh perhaps only nine or ten a month oh still that's one that's 200 pounds a
15:16month now hang about how much is this double glazing 15 pounds a month less tax relief of three pounds
15:22making it 12 pounds a month for 12 pounds their seating cost savings of a prox two pounds a week
15:27which brings it down to four pounds a month gosh what a bargain you lucky chap now I pay four pounds
15:34and I get 200 back well what about that then it's money for nothing I thought you were against that what
15:40money for nothing like I draw on the doll oh I am against that but this is different how because I'm
15:47the one getting the money not you you're right this is different it's better paid for a start this
15:55could catch on in a big way what you mean well we could all do it sign off the doll and sign on the
16:02double glazing hey it'll be amazing the government can abolish national assistance they nearly have
16:07already everyone can just go on the double glaze in at 200 a month everyone well the three million of us
16:14who are still hanging around keeping down the money supply we'll join the double glazing queue we'll
16:20have a double glazing number and every month we'll get a double glazing gyro but we must beware what of
16:26double glazing scroungers we'll have to have double glazing inspectors who can go around and check for
16:33those people who are claiming their 200 a month really have got windows okay is this right I mean is
16:41everyone gonna do it I'll be your age mrs. H it's a con it is not a con it is a con isn't it yes it's a
16:48con see what oh no it can't be I mean what about the 20 pounds when you bring someone round you mean
16:57you don't pay it oh yes we pay it all right well we never bring anyone round you said you did yes I
17:04did that's a lie see it's marked lie you see mrs. H it's all a con this is all your fault my fault yes
17:17if you kept your nose out of it I'd have been looking forward to my 200 quid every month now
17:22you've spoiled it all mrs. H I do apologize yeah well I'm gonna make some tea exactly how much double
17:31glazing do you sell no not much see I'm not very good at it maybe you're better at driving a bus oh
17:37yes good you see I take these pills don't tell me please I don't want to know well mr. Shelley well
17:44doctor you'll be glad to know we know what's wrong with your boy girl a girl sorry I didn't look at that
17:51bit well colic oh now let me explain now see you eat a bit of banana right into the mouth with it
18:00gobble gobble squelch squelch and gulp down the old shoot it goes squeeze squeeze squeeze squeeze and
18:06watch my hands squeeze squeeze and finally splash and falls into the stomach cool this is exciting yes
18:14but what happens then ah I know this bit there sits a bit of nana floating around the stomach
18:20admiring the view when suddenly in come the old enzymes dive bomb in the banana splat boom kapow until
18:31it's a shapeless yellow goo then squirt squirt squirt out of the old tum tum and into the old duodenal
18:38absolutely so round the jolly old duo it goes careful of the ulcer careful of the ulcer and
18:45finally after a couple more squirts and a squish there you are where in the small intestine tea anyone
18:53oh yes well we're gonna take a break here folks but we'll be back in a moment with more exciting
18:58action inside emma ah tea best drink of the day right commercial over part two now where were we in
19:06the small intestine oh yeah so there's your bit of banana you see slurping along by the action of what
19:12we call in the trade peristalsis it's a sort of wave of contractions you see squeezing a banana
19:18along that's all very well and good sort of whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh but watch out what what coming
19:25the other way is another whoosh whoosh a nasty one a pericoma a peristalsis sorry but it's out of sync
19:32you see it's in the way it shouldn't be happening and uh and uh that's when everything goes all to
19:37a cock and a kid gets a gut ache yes well thank you for the cabaret doctor so what are we going
19:47to do about it you two not a lot i'd say 42 days or no 42 days well won't you at least give us a
19:58prescription prescription yes you remember prescriptions they cost a pound and you get 49 pence worth of
20:04medicine okay yes i'll give you something miktapol ah miktapol now you're talking yes miktapol that's
20:12the stuff puts them out like a light miktapol answer to a parent's prayer pink magic great can we have
20:17some no oh come on sorry it's too young but i got some here actually oh thank god i remembered it my
20:24wife would kill me if i came home without it look at it fantastic certainly is one spoonful and zonk
20:31they're out for eight hours bliss not just a quarter of a teaspoon yeah that's a drug that is
20:38do you want your daughter to grow up a drug addict no mrs h we'd set our sights on her being an alcoholic
20:43actually oh you're all the same you lot drugs and pills for everything i don't know oh well
20:51this is nice are you uh thinking of staying the night well i thought i'd say for a bit actually see
20:58how the little chap gets on little girl i'll go and check oh i do like calls like this it's better
21:05than staying at home mopping up both ends of a two-year-old i know how you feel squire i mean
21:11selling double glazing is a terrible job terrible but anything's better than sitting at home smelling
21:16the kids oh come on you two kids are okay oh but they are no wait you've hardly started right
21:24we take your little monster sooner or later she'll start teething you can get stuff for that true
21:29doesn't work hopeless maybe there must be some moments when they're enjoyable when they start
21:35walking oh boy my two-year-old's walking now oh god fell on the fire guard busted lip open blood all
21:40over the sheepskin rug typical at least you're glad when they go to play school my oldest was expelled
21:48from play school kept on putting his hand up teacher's skirt typical i don't believe this i mean
21:56all right emma's still six weeks old and still yelling her head off but already i can feel
22:01she gives me such a lot warmth affection love if you like yes love
22:10shelly got a minute yeah listen can't hear anything exactly emma she okay sleeping like a baby
22:24fantastic you know it's rotten being so glad when she goes to sleep oh shall i wake her up no
22:30listen shelley i'm tired my nerves are jangling can you get rid of that lot in there
22:34of course i can remember the time i went into crafts and shouted rabbits go on just trying to
22:41remember what it said on the system okay mrs h gentlemen the baby's quiet i'm tired and you're
22:48going oh well i thought it was too good to last uh you chaps want to lift oh yes please he's coming
22:55around to measure me up not double glazing after all mrs h yeah well it's tax relief three pounds a
23:02month tax relief so so that's three pounds you lazy herbets on social security won't get
23:11oh sorry let me bottle of the pink stuff ah uh yes um hang on i'll uh i'll check with fran
23:21fran fran you've seen the uh fran
23:35fran you've seen the uh
23:41the uh