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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30no post for you no one wants you when you're down and out hey had a good day
00:41does it look like it oh i'm sorry i asked i've been working ah well no wonder you're upset must
00:48have been a very distasteful experience for you i've been foot slogging all over wandsworth knocking
00:53on people's doors trying to flog them these what are they unique original prints i've got 30 more
01:00unique originals just like it in here is that supposed to be stag at bay by lancia that's right
01:07lancia it's his taiwan period wouldn't catch me buying one you wouldn't catch anyone buying one
01:14seven hours i've walked these around still i have earned a bit on commission how much well let's
01:20work it out what's uh ten percent of sod all not a lot no i thought not i knew this door-to-door
01:27lark would be hard work but not that art i thought there would be at least perks perks yes perks on
01:34benny hill shows door-to-door salesmen are always greeted by scantily clad sex starved voracious
01:40women nearest i got was a voracious alsatian i'm knackered my feet are murdering me oh no when are
01:49you gonna get that lift fixed they're sending a man you've been saying that for weeks now how's he
01:55getting here the pretty way via vladivostok oh well i suppose i better here could you read something
02:02for me oh not another of your poems about death i just haven't got the energy no it's a letter of
02:07protest to the council i thought you might sort of check it for me it's about the graffiti on the
02:13bus shelter i'm hoping they'll pull their finger out catch the culprits punish them
02:18spell birch with an eye i uh can't read that word there after 50. lashes a bit strong
02:27isn't it have you seen the graffiti on that shelter it's a disgrace you can't stop people expressing
02:33themselves lock these kilroys up that's what i say oh come on stick them inside for a short sharp
02:39shop preferably for as long as possible you assault think that's the answer to everything
02:43don't you prisons keep them off the streets but the jails are filled to overflowing as it is with
02:48car thieves gangsters murderers friends of harold wilson i'm too busy to listen to you regurgitating
02:54some guardian editorial that's right you go castrate a few delinquents i'm off to bed
02:59for about three weeks hello who i'm afraid you must have the wrong number no there is no one called
03:18kypros living at this address yes i'm positive look i should know who's living here shouldn't i
03:26and i'm telling you there is no kypros no this is not a kebab house yes i'm positive
03:36no i can't take a message you've got the wrong place the wrong number understand
03:45it is no good you ringing back when kypros is here because you were hello hello
03:50oh it's pathetic isn't it can't even pick up a phone these days without being gibbered at by some
03:56greek what's your problem oh you can't get your breath hey i'm not surprised you've neglected your
04:02lungs you know i can do those eight flights with no loss of weight all right what is it you want
04:07five words film book or play
04:12i've been burgled what i've been burgled robbed what i'll call the police you mean somebody's broken into
04:20your flat oh god this is terrible this is really terrible this is an emergency i mean what if
04:24they've done the admiral's flat next door as well i mean then it's really serious isn't it
04:28he's serious now hello yes please please
04:37well i've checked the whole building you're the only resident that's been done that's a stroke of luck
04:42luck desmond i have been burgled the whole place has been ransacked turned upside down how can you
04:55tell i'm warning you if you value your teeth there's no need to get hysterical if you can keep your head
05:02when all about you are losing theirs rudyard kipling's if he hadn't been burgled well what exactly is missing
05:10there well as far as i can tell the radio the toaster a denim jacket a couple of cufflinks two pairs of
05:16shoes a leather wallet and a book about the assassination of john f kennedy is that all
05:23well it may not be the crown jewels but it's the principle a complete stranger has been in here
05:28rifling through my possessions yeah that's what you mean yeah i'd love to have seen his face
05:33hey well when he broke in here and realized you had virtually nothing worth nicking i'm surprised
05:41he didn't take pity and leave your fiber desmond knock knock
05:48sister burglary take an educated guess
05:50yes mercy still at least we know whoever did it must have been pretty fit those stairs
06:00those stairs have clapped me out why don't i sit down now then is this your flat no yes
06:12well that is to say i'm looking after it for a friend mr paul england he's in kuwait
06:16you wait and uh have any of mr england's belongings been stolen no only mine oh well that narrows it
06:26down means we're looking for a burglar with no taste what exactly has been taken uh i made a list
06:32oh is that all the toaster was virtually brand new this uh it's leather wallet uh any money in it
06:47uh no and uh the book about kennedy what was the title the kennedy conspiracy the kennedy
06:55is that the one that reckons he was uh shot by uh a mafia hitman who'd been enlisted by cuban exiles
07:03and j edgar hoover to avenge the bay of pigs business no no it wasn't hoover it was uh what's
07:07his name uh bb rabosa along with howard hughes they paid an ex-cia man to impersonate lee harvey oswald
07:14no no no that's a different book this no could we solve who robbed shelly before we crack who shot
07:20kennedy let's start with the easy one first eh yeah sorry so uh your name is shelly yes shelly what
07:34james shelly oh i see your your surname is shelly like the poet that's right i love shelly got all
07:41his best poems hail to thee blithe spirit bird thou never wert ode to a skylark oh you like the
07:50romantics oh yeah especially byron he had a club foot you know yeah i know he wants you're at it again
07:58holding a bloody seminar now take this down the theft occurred between nine a.m and six p.m
08:07while i was at work and uh your work is well at the moment i am uh selling these door to door what are
08:16they nancy a stag at bay it's a bit fuzzy isn't it it's more than atmosphere you know mist well why are
08:26his legs all different colors i don't know artistic license so much money to be made in this door to
08:34door like me oh yes take yesterday i took wandsworth by storm in fact once you deduct my travel expenses
08:40i earned the grand sum of minus four pounds fifty well at least it's employment you're too right
08:47that's the only reason i joined the police you know fear of unemployment ideally i i wanted to be a
08:54carpenter yeah must be very satisfying working with wood right there's something very beautiful about wood
09:03i know trees look right in nothing else now can we please stick to the subject of my burglary sorry
09:12so uh you were at work when the theft occurred where were you a very good question well i can't be
09:22everywhere this is a very large building i've told the trustees i need video video
09:28right well i uh i think i've all the info i need you uh you might get a visit from cid but i doubt it
09:43they uh they don't turn out for the trivial ones trivial for god's sake i have been burgled well it's
09:51bad who happened sooner or later statistically speaking this is a very bad area for burglaries
09:57it's probably best to have got it over and done with i um i don't expect we'll have much success but
10:04uh anyway you never know something might turn up see ya
10:10who's his commanding officer mr mccorber well there's no point in getting worked up well he was
10:20a regular little ball of fire wasn't he really inspired confidence he did you could batter an old
10:26lady to pulp before his eyes i doubt if he'd even notice too busy dreaming about hosts of golden daffodils
10:32wordsworth yes i know it's bloody wordsworth oh dear we have got our knickers in a twist haven't we
10:41i'm sorry i'm just feeling a bit fraught that's all it's a shock of coming back to all this
10:47i mean just come and look at what they have done with my drawers
10:53just tipped everything out onto the floor what a mess i ask you still there's one good thing to
11:01come out of it i suppose what's that well i've been wondering where these plimsolls have got to
11:17look for the last time there is no one by that name at this address no one called kip ross no
11:37look there's someone at the door no it won't be kip ross
11:40it's no good trying later he won't hello
11:54mr shirley
12:11shelley all right i'm detective inspector wilkins and this is detective sergeant madison
12:19well this is a pleasant surprise surprise yes the constable who called gave us the impression
12:26you'd be too busy to drop by yes well our new chief constable has decided in his wisdom
12:32that we haven't got enough to do chasing bank bombers fire bombers and international terrorists
12:38so we are engaged in a community policing program yes that's right you see the idea is to get the coppers
12:46out of the cars and back on the beat and thus recreate that priceless rapport between public
12:53and police which is so essential thank you madison now police constable he shall would
13:02has passed on to us the list of stolen items so let's have a look
13:05oh yes not very much was it the toaster was almost new besides that's not the point it's a crime
13:18against property oh you changed your tune usually when he wants to borrow something from me he quotes
13:24marks at me all property is theft he says yeah well it was all very well for marks but i don't have
13:29angles to pick up my bills for me no you have people like me you are familiar with the works of marks are
13:36you belong to any political organizations no ah except one yes the norman tebbit fan club
13:50you grow up my bills yes it's a deep light you go up my bills for me thank you madison
14:00now the slightly bizarre facts in this case
14:04it seems to me are as follows a person or persons unknown sneaked into the building unnoticed by
14:11this gentleman here, ascended to the eighth floor, gained entry to this flat and made off again
14:19unnoticed with sundry, small and largely worthless items. Now it seems to me we are faced with three
14:27possibilities. One, that because the reasoning behind the thief's modus operandi is not immediately
14:35apparent, we must therefore be dealing with someone who is exceptionally clever. What's the second
14:42possibility? That he's an idiot who doesn't know what he's doing. And then of course there is the
14:50third and most likely possibility. And what's that? Youths. Youths? What you mean kids? Oh no, no, no, no.
15:00Kids are lovable little scallywags who ring doorbells and run away. Youths are vicious little monsters
15:09who lobs bricks at trains and sets fire to tramps. Nasty things, youths. You're very lucky really.
15:20Usually they urinate on the carpet.
15:22What a world, eh? Baby mobsters going around using people's flats as public lavatories. What's wrong
15:31with telephone boxes, for God's sake? It's a sick society. Oh, it's not that bad.
15:41It's Sodom and Gomorrah when the pubs are empty. Honestly, there are no values left. Theft has become
15:47respectable. That's the trouble. Everyone's at it. From Sir Geoffrey Howell downwards. You have got
15:52Patel's supermarket charging 89p for a small tin of cling peaches. You've got Joe Public fiddling his
16:00taxes and watching illegal videos. The only way we'd acquire any moral standards now is if they fell off
16:05the back of a lorry. The Muslims have got the right idea. They know how to deter thieves. Amputation.
16:12Over there, if you're caught with your hand in the till, it stays there.
16:17They whittled down the crime figures by whittling down the criminals.
16:22I've got the great white liberal. A little while ago, he's lecturing me about the rights of man.
16:26Now he wants to go around confiscating people's members.
16:30I'm a rehabilitation man myself. You waste an awful lot of human potential when you chop
16:36someone's hands off. Thank you, Madison. Madison's an idealist. We don't get many of them in the force.
16:49The train-in usually winkles them out. Well, we'd better be getting along.
16:54How did they get in? Eh? The youth. The door's not been forced. The lock's not been picked. We are on the
17:01eighth floor, so the window's ruled out, unless Chris Bonington's turned to crime.
17:05So, how did they get in? They had keys. Impossible. I've got the spares locked away.
17:11No-one can get at them. It's unthinkable. Oh, well, I'll give up, then.
17:17Give up?
17:21You didn't hear Sherlock Holmes say,
17:23this one's not very elementary, Watson, so let's chuck it in and go home for some opium.
17:28Yeah, well, Sherlock Holmes only had Moriarty to deal with and not gangs of youths.
17:32Yes. We might possibly contact you.
17:36If you make an arrest.
17:38Oh, dear. You are out of touch.
17:42We're not allowed to arrest anyone anymore. Good Lord, no.
17:46That's considered provocative.
17:48Isn't that right, Madison?
17:50Look, for the very last
18:09and absolutely final time,
18:11I do not do
18:13Donner Kebab to take away.
18:17No, you can't have vine leaves
18:19instead. Please listen.
18:21Hello?
18:23Hello?
18:26I've never liked Greeks.
18:28Ever since they inflicted Demis Roussos on the eardrums of the world.
18:41Ah, good evening.
18:43I'd like to talk to you about security.
18:45I'm from Shorehouse Security Consultants
18:48and we specialise in security systems.
18:51Thief-proof locks, video surveillance, electronic eyes,
18:54pressure pads, anti-attack sprays.
18:56Pits with spikes in.
18:57Pits with spikes in.
19:01That's very funny.
19:04Pits with spikes in.
19:06Now, the question is, can you honestly say that in these troubled times you feel safe?
19:13No, I don't feel safe at all.
19:14No, I don't feel safe at all.
19:14And why is that?
19:15Because everywhere you look, there are flocks of vultures circling over the bleached bones of the British public.
19:22Vultures?
19:22Yeah, vultures.
19:25With clipboards.
19:25I, um, I take it then that you're not interested.
19:32No, but what I am interested in is how you got my address.
19:36I'm sorry, I'm not quite with you.
19:38Well, quite frankly, it's as fishy as Billingsgate that I get burgled during the day.
19:42And that very evening I get a visit from someone selling do-it-yourself fortresses.
19:47So, how did you get my address?
19:49Pure chance.
19:50So you've been to every flat in the building?
19:52Oh, no, no, I thought I'd start at the top, you see, and then sort of, um, work down.
19:58I don't believe you.
19:59It's true.
19:59Then why are you looking so shifty about it? You're fibbing.
20:01I'm not.
20:02It's obvious. I've heard prime ministers tell more convincing lies.
20:09Have you?
20:12Oh.
20:13Come on, out with it. The whole story. Otherwise I'll call it, please.
20:16No, no, don't do that.
20:18Why not?
20:19Well, it was the police, you see, who told me that you'd been, um, you know.
20:24Um, that is to say, it was my brother-in-law.
20:29Uh, P.C. Hinchelwood.
20:33You mean that wet-nosed copper who called to get the details?
20:36Well, I'm speechless. My God.
20:39I knew we had the best police force money can buy,
20:41but I never thought the tendrils of graft had extended to your average copper.
20:46How much do you pay him?
20:48Oh, no, I don't pay him anything.
20:50Oh, no, Simon just gives me the names and addresses of people who have been burgled, you see,
20:54as a favour, because I'm his brother-in-law.
20:58I can't say anything wrong with that.
21:00He's abusing his position.
21:01I don't see that.
21:02Now, you're exploiting the shock of burglary victims.
21:05Oh, no, that I grant you.
21:08You admit it?
21:10Well, seeing as how you've already worked it out, there's not much point in denying it, is there?
21:13Talk about brazen.
21:15Yeah, but, I mean, at least I'm offering people something they actually need.
21:18I mean, you take this morning, right?
21:20My wife, she's a busy woman with two kids and three guinea pigs to feed,
21:24and she's pestered at the door by some pushy little twerp who says he's visiting the whole of the Wandsworth area,
21:30and would she be interested in some unique original prints?
21:35She said he kept burbling on about them, supposed to be landseer's stag at bay, apparently,
21:40but my wife reckoned it looked more like a donkey.
21:42I mean, what sort of person does that for a living, eh?
21:48I ask you, trying to force useless tat down the throats of unsuspecting housewives?
21:53Anyway, I digress, wouldn't I?
21:55Where was I?
21:56Oh, yes, your front door.
21:58You see, I could install a security system.
22:02Can I take you some of that literature, then?
22:04No, go away.
22:05I'm only trying to earn a living.
22:07That's what a cray-twin said.
22:12She's right, though.
22:18Does look more like a donkey.
22:25Yes.
22:27Yes.
22:291-6-0-double-4-1-4.
22:34Yes, that's Kipras' new number.
22:38Yes, no trouble.
22:39Bye.
22:40That is my ex-wife's number.
22:47Naughty Desmond.
22:50It's a disgrace.
22:51What is?
22:51Did you let a pinstripe little weasel past here?
22:55Well, him?
22:55Well, he asked for you.
22:56I thought he must be one of the plainclothes boys.
22:57Well, didn't you ask him for some identity?
23:00Honestly, the security here is non-existent.
23:03Oh, that's rich coming from you?
23:04The only resident sloppy enough to allow himself to be burgled?
23:07That was fate.
23:09Oh, yeah, put it down to fate.
23:10That's the easy way out.
23:11You are obviously a born victim.
23:14Careless.
23:15He who is not a bird should not build his nest over the abyss.
23:19Nietzsche.
23:19What the hell does that mean?
23:27It means if you're not a bird, you shouldn't build your nest over an abyss.
23:32I'll try and remember that.
23:34It means exercise vigilance, caution like me.
23:37You wouldn't catch me getting caught out like you were caught out.
23:40Can't afford to when you're in a position of enormous trust.
23:42For instance, I am responsible for all the spare keys.
23:46Now, imagine if those got in the wrong hands.
23:48So, I keep them locked away at all times in this drawer.
23:52See?
23:52Locked tight.
23:53They're gone.
23:59Whoever did your flat must have nicked them.
24:01Desmond, you said that possibility was, quote, unthinkable.
24:05Yes, well...
24:06Well, didn't you check?
24:07Well, if it's unthinkable, you don't bother to check, do you?
24:10Look, you phone the police.
24:12I'll go and alert all the residents.
24:13Here, hang on.
24:15Supposing the thief is still here in one of the flats.
24:17I mean, what do I do if I catch him in the act?
24:19Easy.
24:19I'll run away.
24:20No.
24:21You don't run away.
24:22You confront him face to face.
24:24Then what?
24:25You ask him what he has done with my toaster.
25:19You