King Of The Hill Season 1 Episode 2 Square Peg
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00:30Peggy?
00:42I'm in my office.
00:44Peggy?
00:45Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.
00:52Oh, Hank, is it you're back again?
00:55Why won't you wear that weightlifting belt I got you for Christmas?
00:59It's not a belt, it's a girdle.
01:02Well, take off your shirt, I'll get the icy hot.
01:09Ooh, ah, icy, icy, ah, hot.
01:14Hot.
01:14All right.
01:18Okay.
01:20Hey.
01:21Peggy, not in front of the B-O-Y.
01:24I need both of you to sign this permission slip.
01:27All righty.
01:28What's it for, son?
01:30Contact football?
01:32No, you're not old enough for that.
01:34Ringworm test?
01:36What?
01:37Sexual education?
01:39Where'd you get this?
01:41I told you, at school.
01:43Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry about this until ninth grade health class.
01:47Uh-uh.
01:47Principal wants to teach us a unit from some course they made up in Washington, D.C.
01:53Washington?
01:54Bobby, go to your room.
01:59Well, what are we going to do?
02:01Here's the first thing I'm going to do, I'll tell you what.
02:05There.
02:05No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex when he can't do a damn thing about
02:12it anyway at his age.
02:14And with his features.
02:17Besides, it is not up to the United States government to be teaching Bobby the facts of
02:23life.
02:24That's his parents' job.
02:26I agree.
02:26If anybody should teach our boy about that, it should be his parents'.
02:32Something like that should, uh, be taught in the home.
02:37Uh-huh.
02:38Where he lives.
02:40Absolutely.
02:41Yes, siree.
02:47Well, you're the expert.
02:49Substitute teacher of the year, 1996, as I recall.
02:54Oh, Hank.
02:55I'm also a decent woman.
02:59I got my back out here, Peg.
03:02I like you.
03:08You're my friend.
03:09Bobby?
03:10If you want, I'll be your friend.
03:13Bobby, honey?
03:15Um, what do you know about sexual relations?
03:21I don't know.
03:22Nothing much.
03:25I'm a little worried about being a slut.
03:28Uh-huh.
03:29Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents, that you and I should have
03:38a little talk on the subject.
03:42You have noticed, I am sure, that there are some pretty big differences between boys and
03:48girls.
03:49I'm sure you know that.
03:53I mean, physically, boys are, they're different.
04:00They have something that girls do not have.
04:05Yeah.
04:05You know, some thing.
04:11You mean a penis?
04:12Well, I didn't take sex ed in school.
04:23Come on, Boomhauer.
04:25If you're gonna prune, prune.
04:27The army taught me everything.
04:29And in four different languages, too.
04:32Want to know how to get a bar girl in Philippines?
04:34The point is, there's no way my son is learning the how-tos of romance from some bureaucrat regulatory
04:42handbook.
04:44Toomey Hall.
04:46Or something like that.
04:48And, Dale, I'd say the same applies to your Joseph.
04:51I'd tear that permission slip up if I were you.
04:55I'd do that and then some.
04:57This sex ed stuff goes higher than the schools.
05:00It's that same old Club-A-Rome-Zero population bull-dink that the UN's been trying for years.
05:08I'll tell you what, man.
05:09It's branch fiction.
05:10It's gone down.
05:12It's gone beat y'all with your heads up.
05:15They want to whittle us down so we can't keep a standing army.
05:20That's when the Chinese will come marching in.
05:24All I'm saying is keep the government out of the bedroom business.
05:28Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job.
05:33Damn, you got that right.
05:35Mm-hmm.
05:36Hank, I couldn't get the words out.
05:38Oh, gee, you didn't send her in to a man's job, did you?
05:42Uh, well, I...
05:44Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows.
05:47Yeah, man, I'll tell you what, he's talking about them dang old condom dispensers with them.
05:51He's putting that little 50 cents in there and he's trying to hit that corner, turn his bang on that thing.
05:56It's talking about her needs.
06:00Uh, no, that's all right.
06:02I guess I'll do it.
06:04But my daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age and I turned out okay.
06:14Yee-haw-ha!
06:16Hey, what you crying for, boy?
06:18It's a good show.
06:19This is a damn good show.
06:21Yeah.
06:21That's also how he taught me about paying taxes.
06:28Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere.
06:32Oh, there we go.
06:38Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.
06:41Brought his son over to learn the facts of life.
06:44Well, he sure came to the right place.
06:47We call this machine the Matchmaker 500.
06:51Now, Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life when you're going to start to have tender feelings for a girl.
07:02You're going to need to know what those feelings mean and what to do about them.
07:14Where's the other half of that dang permission slip?
07:17I'm sure they will do a good job at school.
07:20The health teacher is a trained professional.
07:23Uh-huh.
07:24Keep digging.
07:28Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore about that sex ed stuff.
07:33What do you mean?
07:35All you gotta know is I took care of it with one little phone call.
07:41Heh, heh.
07:42Hmm.
07:42Hey, peg leg.
07:47That was Bobby's principal.
07:49Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat, and she quit.
07:54Oh, well.
07:55I'm sure it was just some harmless nut case.
07:59Dang it.
08:00Gee.
08:02Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex ed course,
08:07we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.
08:10Oh, no, Hank.
08:11They found someone.
08:13They found the substitute teacher of the year.
08:17Uh, 1995?
08:211996.
08:22Oh, my.
08:30Oh, Lord.
08:32Oh, for goodness sake.
08:35This beauty school homework is hard, Aunt Peggy.
08:40Aunt Peggy.
08:42Huh?
08:43Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.
08:46I was not paying attention.
08:48Listen to this chapter title.
08:50The Fourteen Stages of Arousal.
08:53And then you turn the page and...
08:56Oh, my goodness.
08:57Is that C. Everett Coop?
08:59That must be an old book.
09:02Because now there's eighteen stages.
09:04Oh, my.
09:05How am I going to say these words out loud in front of a class?
09:09Let me see.
09:10Self-exploration is a perfectly natural exercise throughout pubescence.
09:18What's so hard about that?
09:19Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind?
09:26Is it a good feeling?
09:29Yeah, it is.
09:32Well, I guess I am a little jealous.
09:35Things were very different when I was a girl.
09:37Honey, you're at that special time of life.
09:42The time when a little girl becomes a woman.
09:46And you start getting a monthly visitor.
09:50Who?
09:51Uncle Joe?
09:54My mother gave me this and I'm passing it on to you.
09:58The loveliness of woman.
10:01There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers.
10:07I never even kissed a boy until I was twenty.
10:11Of course, he's dead now.
10:14Ooh.
10:15Look, here's a chapter on communicating your needs to your love partner.
10:20What kind of filth are you reading?
10:23It's Aunt Pei's sex head book.
10:26Say what?
10:27Let me take a look at that.
10:29What in the hell?
10:31That is the inside of a womb.
10:34A woman's womb.
10:36My boy is not gonna look at the inside of a womb.
10:40He's only been out of yours for eleven years.
10:43I think I need some water.
10:45You want my Chandler or my Ross?
10:49Can I shoot him full of BBs?
10:51Okay.
10:53Then Ross.
10:56You sure you don't want him?
10:58Uh-huh.
10:59I'm not gonna need my toys anymore.
11:01After I learn sex ed, I'll be too busy dating.
11:05Who?
11:07I don't know.
11:09Whoever wants to have sex with me.
11:13Well, what do you think?
11:15A few more inches?
11:16Might as well.
11:17Just gonna keep growing.
11:19Well, so much for my phone call.
11:21What are you talking about?
11:23They found some other deep-raved harlot to teach that sex ed class.
11:28Uh, Dale?
11:29Don't worry, Hank.
11:31I know people who can take care of this woman, if you know what I mean.
11:34That woman is my wife.
11:37I thought Peggy was your wife.
11:39Dale, I think he's saying Peggy's the new sex teacher.
11:44Yeah, what?
11:54Nothing.
11:55I wouldn't say nothing.
11:56Nothing at all, Hank.
11:57Yeah, but nothing wrong with a little sexual education.
12:01No, sir.
12:02I bet Peggy'll be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom.
12:07Dale!
12:07I'm just saying a woman who knows is the toughest customer.
12:12Maybe you ought to hit the books, too.
12:14What the hell is wrong with you all?
12:17What?
12:17Nothing, Hank.
12:18Just think.
12:19You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex.
12:25Now, I've never been with a woman like that.
12:27Except, of course, a bar girl.
12:31Of course, I don't mean that Peggy's a bar girl or nothing like that.
12:38I mean, she just knows, you know, what a bar girl knows.
12:47You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school.
12:51Well, they want me to teach this sex ed stuff to our kids' class, you know, but I just don't
12:57know if I can overcome the crippling sense of shame that I got from my mother.
13:02Whew!
13:03Well, we knew you wouldn't.
13:05Yeah, I've been telling people, Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers that puts all that
13:10intellectual hooey above common decency.
13:14Mm-hmm.
13:15Well, sometimes a little intellectual hooey is a good thing.
13:21Look, we all grew up not knowing the real words for your dinky and your woo-hoo when we
13:26turned out fine.
13:28I learned about sex from my mother.
13:30She gave me that wonderful book, The Loveliness of Woman.
13:34That book is worthless.
13:36Well, I got a lot out of it.
13:38When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business, well, I would just
13:43close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers.
13:47Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.
13:52Hey, Bobby, your mom's going to teach sex ed.
13:56Yeah, I know.
13:59We're going to get to see her boobs.
14:03So?
14:04Bobby, you're up.
14:06Come on, Bobby.
14:10Your dad lost his job.
14:12Oh, Jesus.
14:14Run, Bobby, run!
14:16Run, run!
14:17Come on, run!
14:19Don't stop at first base, son!
14:21Go all the way, Bobby!
14:22Go all the way, honey!
14:23Yeah, yeah, go all the way, you perv!
14:26All right, Bobby.
14:28All right, Bobby.
14:30All right, Bobby.
14:30All right, Bobby.
14:31All right, Bobby.
14:34Hello?
14:34You don't know who I am, but I know where you live.
14:40And if you teach that sex ed class, so help me out.
14:44Dale?
14:45Is that you?
14:47Oh, Hank.
14:48Can I speak with Peggy?
14:51Uh, Peggy, it's for you.
14:52It's Dale.
14:55Yellow Dale.
14:56You don't know who I am, but I know where you live.
15:00Boy, you should have heard Bonnie today.
15:05That woman has got one awful love life.
15:08Uh-huh.
15:11Oh, my God.
15:13Hi, Hank, honey.
15:15Would you like to rub some pretty feet and hands on my back?
15:19Uh, isn't that just for your feet and hands?
15:22Well, mainly.
15:24But you could use it everywhere.
15:26I'll pass.
15:27Well, how about if I put a little on your elbows?
15:30It'll moisturize and exfoliate.
15:33My elbows are fine.
15:35You never complained about them before.
15:37It's just that it's so nice and cooling, it makes your elbows smooth.
15:43What?
15:43Where in the hell are my elbows going to be that they need to be smooth?
15:48Well, honey, I just thought it would be nice, you know, for later, for us to be all smooth.
15:54Uh, I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pass.
15:59Look, Hank Hill, I did not ask to teach this class, but I am a substitute teacher.
16:05That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most,
16:10at any hour of the day or night, and teach anything, from gym to home ec.
16:16Look, I took an oath, darn it.
16:18Excuse me.
16:19And if I start to pick and choose, the whole system just breaks down.
16:24Yeah, well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose when you had those Randy Travis tickets.
16:30Oh, no, those poor little kids never did get to make their clay ashtrays.
16:36Well, they're damn sure going to know the 18 stages of arousal,
16:41because Peggy Hill is going to teach that class.
16:44This is a diagram of a woman's...
16:54Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.
17:02A woman's...
17:03This is a man's...
17:12Like...
17:14Well, what do you think?
17:37Mm-hmm, nice and clean, but I think old Sigmund Freud might have a thing or two to say about it.
17:45What?
17:46Oh, no!
17:49Happiness.
17:52Happ-penis.
17:55Ha-pe-ness.
17:58Ha-pe-penis.
18:01Ha-penis.
18:03Penis.
18:06I did it.
18:09Ovaries.
18:12Uvula.
18:14Uterus.
18:17Vagina!
18:20Hey, Hank, I just said...
18:22I heard you.
18:23The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing.
18:25It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name of a God-given body part.
18:29Well, it is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment.
18:35You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.
18:39Well, Bobby ought to know about them.
18:41We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.
18:44Sure we do.
18:45I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.
18:47My son is not going to learn this crazy crap.
18:50It says right here he can't take the class without permission of both his parents.
18:56Now, just hold on.
18:58Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son?
19:02If you do not approve, you do not have to sign.
19:06And I do not approve.
19:07Permission denied.
19:09Hup.
19:10That's damn strapping tape.
19:13Ugh.
19:20Come on, Bobby.
19:24You're coming to work with me.
19:36Oh, my God.
19:37Uh, no, Mr. Hudson, we don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons.
19:53Well, yeah, it is a gas, but it's in a liquid state.
19:59Well, okay, but you might want to blow out those candles.
20:03Look, I'm going to have to call you back.
20:05Bobby, hey, that's my work.
20:08Now, just sit still, okay?
20:12What do you think Mom's telling all those guys?
20:15I don't know.
20:16I don't want to know.
20:18Just try not to think about it.
20:21Okay.
20:25What do you think Mom's saying to him?
20:28I said not to think about it.
20:30Think about something else.
20:33Okay.
20:35Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?
20:41Uh, well, uh, come on, Bobby.
20:47Can't you think of something pleasant?
20:52What do you think Mom's telling all those guys?
20:56Good morning, class.
21:12Today we're going to discuss the subject of human relations.
21:16Otherwise known as...
21:19Human relations.
21:21I am your substitute teacher.
21:24My name is Peggy Hill.
21:28Okey-dokey.
21:30Any questions so far?
21:34Dad?
21:35What?
21:37I just wanted to say you don't have to worry about me because I'm never going to have sex.
21:42Oh, Bobby, now don't say that.
21:45I thought that's what you wanted.
21:48Well, yes, if you were my daughter, but you're my son.
21:52Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys?
21:59It's called the double standard, Bobby.
22:01Don't knock it.
22:02We got the long end of the stick on that one.
22:05I see.
22:07That's why Mom's bad for talking about sex.
22:10Bobby, look, just because your mom's been using those words doesn't mean she's bad.
22:18She's just trying to do her job.
22:21Give the kids the proper names for things.
22:25Imagine how hard that is for your mother, trying to teach a room full of snickering fifth graders
22:32the difference between a boy and a girl's, uh, you know, hookups.
22:38That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.
22:44That's Mrs. Peggy Hill.
22:49H-I-L-L.
22:54You can call me Mrs. Hill.
22:56You can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill.
23:01Okay.
23:03Come on, Peggy Hill.
23:04You can do this.
23:05Okay.
23:09Today's subject...
23:13Just have a seat.
23:16I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know.
23:21She was, uh, substitute teacher of the year 1996, I understand.
23:26All right, class, let's do it.
23:33Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.
23:36It's difficult subject matter, but if we approach it with common sense,
23:41I believe we might learn something that could enrich our lives.
23:45But before we begin, please bring your permission slips up to my desk.
23:49And those of you whose parents did not give you permission to learn with me,
23:53well, you can read for an hour in the school library.
23:56Sorry, Peggy Hill.
23:57Mrs. Peggy Hill.
23:58Sorry, Peggy Hill.
23:59Sorry, Peggy Hill.
24:02Looks like it's just you and me, Mom.
24:06Okay, son.
24:08Well, let's begin with the difference between boys and girls.
24:14You mean the penis?
24:16Yes, the penis.
24:18Hello?
24:24Bobby?
24:26Luann?
24:28Oh, is anybody home?
24:30Where is everybody?
24:32Uh, I sent the kids off to see a double feature.
24:36You're my always and forever.
24:42May I have this dance?
24:43Hmm, smooth elbows, Peg.
24:50I seem to recall you kind of like being dipped.
24:54Oh, Hank, watch your back.
24:57Good as ever.
25:00Oh!
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Are you okay?
25:05Uh-huh.
25:06Well, uh, as long as we're down here.
25:20Hello.
25:21You have reached the Hill residence.
25:24Please leave a message at the tone.
25:27You don't know who I am,
25:30but I know where you live, sex ed teacher,
25:34and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you.
25:38Oh, and, Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3 o'clock.
25:46See ya.
25:46We'll see ya.
25:54See ya.
25:54Bye.
25:55Bye.