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FunTranscript
00:00This is interesting.
00:01Apparently, a key component in some forms of humor
00:05is the element of surprise.
00:07Well, that makes sense.
00:09The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning
00:12and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions...
00:15Brain lesions!
00:22Sheldon, you scared me. That wasn't funny.
00:25Maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
00:30Okay, the notion that you can read a few books
00:33and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd.
00:36I mean, humor is a complex neurological...
00:45Okay, that's pretty good.
00:46Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.
00:48Penny really quit the Cheesecake Factory?
00:50Yeah. What is she doing today?
00:52I don't know. She already thinks I don't support this,
00:54so if I call, it might look like I'm checking up on her.
00:57Do you support this?
00:58Of course I do.
00:59She's a great actress.
01:01I'm proud she's taking this risk.
01:03That's nice.
01:04You bought that? Great.
01:09Gotta call her before I forget how I said it.
01:13Hey.
01:14Hi, what's up?
01:15How's it going? You taking Hollywood by storm?
01:17Actually, I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
01:19You got your job back. That is great news.
01:21I mean, I didn't want to say anything,
01:23but you are making the right choice.
01:25To plunge yourself into debt right now
01:26would be literally insane.
01:28Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
01:33And I support you.
01:36You've come to me because you're my Obi-Wan.
01:42I'm not familiar with that.
01:44Is that an internet?
01:52Wow. You're dead, so I'm going to let that slide.
01:58Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars.
02:01After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker
02:04as his mentor in spirit form.
02:08Well, that clears that up.
02:13You must be here to give me advice.
02:22This is weird.
02:25Most of my robes open in the back.
02:32Those are your Jedi robes.
02:36Oh, wait. What is this?
02:41Be careful with that.
02:44Oh.
02:56Oh, neat-o.
03:03I'm, uh, I'm going to need a band-aid.
03:08What's with all the yelling?
03:09Leonard disproved my element.
03:11Now all the attention is going to go away.
03:14Oh, that's great. You must be thrilled.
03:15Oh, that's it. I'm down to seven friends.
03:20Just counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
03:23When I thought the element was real,
03:25I didn't want it.
03:26But now that Leonard made it not exist,
03:28I want it more than anything in the world.
03:30The element never existed. I didn't take it away.
03:33Science took it away. Be mad at science.
03:35Don't you dare use science against me.
03:38Science is my best friend.
03:40Oh, good. I'm back up to eight.
03:43Will you tell him he's out of his mind?
03:45Actually, I get what he's saying.
03:47Yes! Nine! Welcome back, buddy.
03:51It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into,
03:53and then they break up with you,
03:54and then you want them more than ever.
03:56I have no idea what she's talking about.
03:58But we're ganging up on you, so I agree.
04:02Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do?
04:04Hide the information?
04:05If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time
04:07before someone else does.
04:08But no, no, of course you have to publish.
04:10That's your responsibility as a scientist.
04:12Doing otherwise would be unethical.
04:14You have no choice.
04:16Fine, I'll publish.
04:17Can you believe this guy?
04:19This is fun.
04:20I'm going to feel like such a vixen wearing jewelry
04:22that doesn't have a list of medications I'm allergic to.
04:25Benny, how's it going over there?
04:27Good. I'm just having a little trouble with the glue.
04:32How do you not know how to use glue?
04:33Did you ditch preschool?
04:36Yeah, only because I was dating a second grader.
04:42Hello, everyone.
04:43Okay, let me have it.
04:45Let's hear all the Raj-is-a-girl jokes.
04:48No, Bernadette told me it isn't nice,
04:50and I'm not allowed.
04:53I won't be making fun of you, or the things you like,
04:55or the fact that you just want to have fun.
05:02Howie, stop.
05:03Come on, look at what I'm making.
05:05Mm, it's actually pretty nice.
05:07I'm making a bracelet.
05:08Yeah, I'm just making a mess.
05:13You know, instead of beads and glue,
05:15you guys can use my soldering iron.
05:16You'd be able to make much cooler stuff.
05:18Well, I think we're doing just fine.
05:22Actually, I'd kind of like to try that.
05:24Me too.
05:25Be right back.
05:27When did I have pistachios?
05:30Isn't that Professor Proton?
05:32Oh, yeah.
05:37Look at him, just standing in line
05:40like he wasn't moderately famous 30 years ago.
05:44Let's go say hello.
05:45Oh, maybe we shouldn't bother him.
05:47I'm not going to bother him.
05:48I'm going to talk to him.
05:50He thinks there's a difference.
05:53Arthur.
05:54Arthur, it's me, Sheldon Cooper.
05:57But you may not remember because of your advanced age.
06:01Trust me, I remember.
06:04Oh, but this is my girlfriend, Amy.
06:06Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries.
06:09His science show inspired millions of children.
06:13Hold on, you have a girlfriend?
06:17A girlfriend.
06:19Yes, and I've heard so much about you.
06:22Hey, look, we're wearing the same orthopedic shoes.
06:26Can't believe I dress like a celebrity.
06:31Oh, okay, I get it now.
06:35Dr. Jeffries, hello again, Leonard Hofstadter.
06:37Oh, oh, right.
06:38I remember your girlfriend.
06:42Is she here?
06:45No, she's not.
06:47So what prescription are you getting filled?
06:49Sheldon.
06:50No, wait, I want to guess.
06:51Don't tell me.
06:52I wasn't going to tell you.
06:56Sheldon, come on.
06:57No, no, no, I'm really good at this.
06:58All right, give me a hint.
06:59Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything?
07:05Well, given my age, that's more than just a lucky guess.
07:10Hey, Sheldon, let's go mock the people
07:11buying homeopathic medicine.
07:13You love that.
07:14But I'm hanging out with my friend.
07:16We're having fun.
07:17Look how happy he is.
07:22Harsa doesn't have those kind of resources.
07:24No, and that's why he had Aaron Pace rewire him.
07:27So proud of you.
07:29You haven't even gotten to my scene yet.
07:30I know, but you're going to be a TV star
07:32and you haven't left me yet.
07:33That takes guts.
07:36I don't know about you,
07:37but I'm very uncomfortable with all this.
07:39Why?
07:40I've never seen this show before.
07:42And now I'm starting with episode 246?
07:47It's unnatural.
07:50Just think of the first 245 as the prequel.
07:54All right.
07:56Okay, shh, guys, guys, this is it.
07:58I guess it's you and me, kid.
08:02What are you doing?
08:02I'm trying to make peace.
08:04We're good?
08:05Good.
08:06Are you kidding me?
08:07What's wrong?
08:08Well, the diner scene.
08:10Where's my diner scene?
08:11Where's my diner scene?
08:13No, don't ask me until I see the prequel.
08:14I'm lost.
08:16No, there's supposed to be a big scene
08:18with me and Mark Harmon, but it's gone.
08:21What happened?
08:23They must've cut it.
08:25Oh, Penny.
08:27I'm sorry.
08:29That stinks.
08:30I'm sure you agreed.
08:31This doesn't make any sense to me.
08:32I thought I did a really good job.
08:38Excuse me.
08:42I've been studying how to make people laugh.
08:49They say that comedy is tragedy plus time.
08:54Let's tickle some ribs.
08:56Nope.
08:59Hmm.
09:03Hey, Stuart.
09:03Huh?
09:06Hey.
09:07Sorry, did I startle you?
09:08Yes, but at this point,
09:09pretty much any customer does.
09:12What can I do for you?
09:13Oh, I need a little help.
09:14I accidentally destroyed one of Howard's comic books
09:16this morning, and I was hoping I could replace it.
09:19Wow, what happened?
09:20Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
09:24Don't let the Riddler know that.
09:29It's a comic book joke.
09:33Or maybe it's not.
09:36Do you have this one?
09:37Do you have this one?
09:38Uh, well, it's pretty rare.
09:40Can you give me a few days to track it down?
09:43I was kind of hoping to get it
09:44before Howie comes home from work.
09:46What's the hurry?
09:46Well, he's always saying I should be more careful
09:48with my curling iron, and it seems like
09:50a dangerous precedent to let him think he can be right.
09:55Well, I'll do what I can, but I can't make any promises.
09:59You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company.
10:03If you can make this happen today,
10:04I can hook you up with anxiety medication,
10:07anti-depressants.
10:08Really?
10:11Do you have any of these?
10:15I just feel like everything is falling apart.
10:18Come on, it's okay.
10:19No, it's not okay.
10:20Look at me, okay?
10:21I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago,
10:23and I'm still doing it.
10:25I can't quit, because guess what?
10:27I can't do anything else, and I finally get my big break,
10:29and it goes away.
10:31Such a mess.
10:32No, you're not.
10:34Really?
10:35Because this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear
10:36fell out of my pant leg.
10:41And it wasn't the only one in there.
10:46Okay, listen to me.
10:47This is just a minor setback.
10:49No, it's not, okay?
10:50I've been out here for like 10 years.
10:52I have nothing to show for it.
10:53Well, you have me.
10:56You're right.
11:00I do have you.
11:05Let's get married.
11:09What?
11:16Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
11:21Um.
11:25Did you seriously just say, um?
11:30You know, I love you,
11:32but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost.
11:35Okay, so you don't want to marry me?
11:38That is not what I said.
11:39No, forget it.
11:40I take it back.
11:41Offer's off the table.
11:42Who's in the mood to laugh?
11:47I got an email from Professor Proton.
11:49Oh, goody, what's it say?
11:51He's working on a paper about nanovacuum tubes
11:54and wants to know if I'd take a look at it.
11:57That's strange.
11:58They would come to you for that and not me.
12:02Oh, I got two emails from him.
12:05Do you have Leonard's email address?
12:11And, nevermind, I found it.
12:16I can't believe he picked you over me.
12:19You don't want to read a paper by some old has-been
12:21who hasn't done any real science in decades.
12:24Yeah, it's nothing to cry about.
12:26Yep, Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
12:29It's true.
12:30You'd rust.
12:32I appreciate it.
12:34When Obi-Wan came to Luke on this very spot,
12:38he gave him all sorts of helpful advice.
12:41So, um, what do you got for me?
12:50Always get a prenup.
12:58That's it?
13:00I thought there'd be more of a reason why you're here.
13:03Oh, why do you think I'm here?
13:08I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
13:11Is this the first time you've lost,
13:14you know, someone close to you?
13:16Oh, no.
13:18No, I've already had to say goodbye to 11 Dr. Who's.
13:25Yeah, I've outlived a few of my doctors, too.
13:30Oh, hey, Sheldon.
13:32Hello.
13:40You okay?
13:42I'm on vacation.
13:43What do you think?
13:46Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
13:49Leonard told me to stay.
13:52Oh.
13:54Well, good boy.
13:57Where are you going?
13:58Oh, a ton of errands to run.
13:59I need to make copies of my head shots,
14:00send them off to agents,
14:01and sign up for a new acting class.
14:04Have fun.
14:05Okay.
14:13You want to come with me?
14:14Really?
14:16Come on, boy.
14:17Come on, let's go.
14:18Let's go.
14:19Get in the car.
14:20Come on.
14:21So, what did you think of your first funeral?
14:25Oh, I don't want to be a jerk,
14:26but it was kind of a bummer.
14:29Yeah, well, when I die, you can rent a bounce house.
14:34Think about dying?
14:36No, I think more about if I have any regrets.
14:39What would you regret?
14:41You know, that I didn't travel more,
14:43take more risks, learn another language.
14:46You know Klingon.
14:49That's true.
14:50No, I meant that as a regret.
14:51I'm sorry.
14:57Just thought of one more.
14:58What's that?
15:00I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
15:05Well, it just wasn't the right time.
15:07Yeah.
15:09And this is also not the right time.
15:11Do not propose.
15:13What?
15:14I know that face.
15:15That's your proposed face.
15:16What?
15:17I was not going to propose.
15:18It's already two to one.
15:20What's two to one?
15:21I proposed twice, you proposed once, two to one.
15:22Oh my, it's not a contest.
15:24I don't know what you're upset about.
15:25I'm the one who's losing.
15:27Okay.
15:28Fine, would you feel better if I proposed
15:30so you could turn me down again?
15:31Yeah, I think I would.
15:33Okay, Leonard, will you marry me?
15:36Hmm.
15:38No, don't you dare.
15:39You reject me right now and tie things up.
15:44It's just such a big decision.
15:45I don't want to have any regrets.
15:51And hold three, two, one.
15:56Very good.
15:59Now let's try warrior two.
16:02And hold.
16:07I've read that there are great yogis
16:09who have such mastery over their bodies,
16:12they can draw water in through their genitals.
16:21Yeah, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
16:25Too bad.
16:27Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake
16:29without getting brain freeze.
16:33Oh, hey.
16:35Now we go to reverse warrior.
16:43How did she get you to do yoga?
16:45Well, to be honest, I thought I was gonna do yoga.
16:48Wait, it's not all pants.
16:49There's one shirt.
16:50Oh.
16:51Hey, that's my shirt.
16:53This one is too.
16:54No, no, that's not mine.
16:55That's a big spot on it.
16:56Wait, so does this one.
16:58Maybe the spot's the clue.
17:05Sheldon's spot.
17:06The clue's in your spot!
17:09Oh, that's clever.
17:10Hurry!
17:11Oh, my God.
17:12Oh, my God.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:14Oh, my God.
17:14Oh, my God.
17:15Oh, my God.
17:16Oh, my God.
17:17Hurry!
17:19Be there in a minute.
17:20I just have to pre-soak these.
17:28Stop her, Leonard!
17:29Stop her!
17:37Where the hell's the coin?
17:39Wasn't the answer Sheldon's spot?
17:41Oh, yes, Leonard.
17:43Yes, it was.
17:44Where's the coin?
17:46Yes, exactly.
17:48Where is the coin?
17:50Why don't you look in your pockets?
17:56I slipped them in there earlier today.
18:01I don't get it.
18:03Don't you see?
18:05When we're all having fun together,
18:06we're already winners.
18:09Oh, look.
18:10See?
18:11Even I'm a winner.
18:13Even I'm a winner.
18:17Are you kidding me?
18:20That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
18:24You suck.
18:26So hot.
18:27Water would be great.
18:28Okay.
18:30You're Lucy, right?
18:32I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's.
18:33Actually, Amy recognized you.
18:43Wow.
18:44How's he doing?
18:45Oh, you know, he's good.
18:47Great.
18:48Yeah, this is none of my business,
18:50but why did you break up with him in an email?
18:53Oh, I don't know.
18:55I guess I thought it would be easier.
18:58Yeah, I get that.
18:59I'll go get you your water.
19:03When you say easier,
19:06you mean easier for you, right?
19:07Because certainly didn't make it easier for him.
19:10Any chance I can get a different waitress?
19:14I'm sorry.
19:15This is rude of me.
19:15I will get you that water.
19:18See, see, see, see.
19:20Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face.
19:22How come you could do that with me, but not with Raj?
19:25I don't know your email.
19:28You know what the worst part is?
19:29You're sitting here perfectly happy,
19:31and he's at home a blubbering mess.
19:33I thought you said he was okay.
19:34Well, I also said I was getting you water,
19:35but look at me, still standing here.
19:39You know, I may be a bad waitress,
19:41but you are a bad person.
19:42Now, you want to hear the specials?
19:49Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon
19:51than he's ready to admit.
19:52Really hoping this will cheer him up.
19:54Me too.
19:55Although it might've been thoughtless of us
19:57to bake a Death Star cake.
20:00No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things,
20:03chocolate chips, and the ability to destroy a planet
20:06at the push of a button.
20:08Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys.
20:10And Howie doesn't think I take his interest seriously,
20:12so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.
20:16Okay, let's get the fondant and start decorating.
20:19This is pretty cool.
20:21You don't see too many spherical cakes.
20:26I wonder why that is.
20:31Hey, guys.
20:32Happy Star Wars Day.
20:34Wow, a Death Star cake.
20:38We were hoping it might cheer you up.
20:40And even though it meant we had to miss the movies,
20:42we could still be part of the fun.
20:43You didn't miss anything.
20:44We just started over.
20:46Son of a bitch.
20:48Hi.
20:49Hey, guys.
20:50Look who's here to put the Jew in jewelry night.
20:56Sure, so it's fine when you say it.
21:00Sorry we're late.
21:01Wanted to swing by the lab
21:02and pick up some even cooler tools
21:03for us to use.
21:05I didn't know you were coming again.
21:06Well, last week was a blast.
21:07Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here.
21:14It was not funny.
21:17So what tools did you bring?
21:18Everything we need to make jewelry molds.
21:20Here's some silver, a crucible,
21:22and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
21:24Ooh, that looks like fun.
21:26Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
21:30Okay, who's up first?
21:32Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet
21:33for your mom to go with the necklace?
21:35No, thanks.
21:36I was going to make a necklace for my mom,
21:38but unfortunately she doesn't have a neck.
21:43She has just chins and fat and feet.
21:49Leonard, do you think I'm funny?
21:51No.
21:56Do you?
21:57I think I'm hysterical.
21:59I take it back.
22:00That was funny.
22:03The philosopher Henri Bergson says
22:06it's funny when a human being behaves like an object.
22:10I bet that bit killed at the chuckle hut.
22:14Oh, he didn't perform standup comedy.
22:16He was a philosopher.
22:20I think we're zeroing in on your problem.
22:24Perhaps I'll spend some time developing a unique tool
22:27and perhaps I'll spend some time developing
22:28a unified theory of comedy,
22:30which will allow me to elicit laughter
22:33from anyone at any time.
22:34Unless they're German, because that's a tough crowd.
22:40Are you set on people laughing with you?
22:42Because if you're cool without you.
22:48You guys ever notice that Emily
22:49has a bit of a twisted side?
22:51You mean because she has weird tattoos?
22:53No, because she wants to have sex with me in a graveyard.
22:58One more time?
23:01She and I were supposed to watch
23:03the new Avengers movie tonight, but it was sold out.
23:05So I said, what else do you want to do?
23:06She said, let's go to a cemetery
23:08and do it on somebody's grave.
23:11Like a random person or somebody she knew?
23:16What difference does it make?
23:19Well, if it's her father's grave
23:21and they didn't get along, then you know she holds a grudge.
23:25The only issue is that everybody has their own thing.
23:27And as long as it's two consenting adults,
23:29I guess I don't see the harm in it.
23:31Well, what if it's one consenting adult
23:32and one adult who pretends to consent
23:34because he's afraid of being alone?
23:39It's a beautiful night.
23:41Oh, yes.
23:42You've got the moon and the trees
23:44and Elizabeth McNulty,
23:46who apparently died when she was the same age I am.
23:49Makes you feel alive, doesn't it?
23:52So does enjoying a meal at a well-lit restaurant,
23:54but here we are.
23:58You aren't scared, are you?
24:00Of ghosts? No.
24:02Of you, a little bit.
24:09Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
24:12I know.
24:15Do you think I should start watching the movie?
24:18Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?
24:26That's what you're thinking about?
24:29Well, one of the things.
24:31Are any of them me?
24:34Yes.
24:35I thought, I can't decide
24:37if I should watch the Flash TV show.
24:39I know. I'll ask Amy.
24:43Anyway.
24:45What are you doing?
24:47You're right. You did kind of kill the mood.
24:50I didn't kill anything.
24:52You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
24:55Excuse me?
24:57Starting to watch a television show
24:58that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly.
25:02I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
25:05Really?
25:06That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?
25:10Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation
25:14on a man with super speed,
25:16while after five years, all I can get out of you
25:18is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
25:22Irony's not really my strong suit.
25:26But I have been getting better with sarcasm,
25:27if you want to give that a try.
25:30Oh, sure. I'd love to.
25:34Whenever you're ready.
25:36She passed me the Manischewitz.
25:37I took one look at this punim
25:39and almost plotst on the kugel.
25:44Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
25:49So my mother's okay with this?
25:51Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
25:54Because they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
25:57Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
26:03This is so messed up.
26:05I know. I'm having the best time.
26:09Why would you even come to this?
26:10Didn't you know I'd be here?
26:12It was a long time ago, Howard.
26:14And you're only second cousins. Who cares?
26:17So you knew and you brought her anyway?
26:19Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
26:22Yeah.
26:23Yeah, go have weird relationships
26:24with your own mother and cousin.
26:25This is his turf.
26:26Yeah.
26:28Okay, I gotta, I just, I gotta ask.
26:32What makes you think that your relationship
26:34is so wonderful and ours isn't?
26:37For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
26:43So do we.
26:46And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours
26:48doing totally different things.
26:50It's called parallel play.
26:53Yeah, toddlers do that.
26:55Not as well as we do.
26:59You believe this guy has to be the best at everything?
27:02So what? Why do you even care?
27:04Oh, listen to them.
27:06Not even married and the honeymoon's over.
27:09Whatever. You can't even go on a date
27:11without checking your relationship agreement.
27:13If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract,
27:17I'd like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies
27:20that entered a relationship agreement
27:22called the U.S. Constitution.
27:25And it may not be cool to say so,
27:27but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
27:32It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now
27:35because there's about to be a fire.
27:42Oh, it's beautiful.
27:44Oh, the girls really did a nice job.
27:47Oh, I know I wasn't into this before,
27:49but I'm so glad I get to take you to your first prom.
27:52What makes you think I didn't go to my prom? I went.
27:55Well, who'd you go with?
27:57I took a little lady I like to call loneliness.
28:00Aw.
28:02It's all right. We ended up having a threesome
28:04with her friend Humiliation.
28:08Well, if I would have been there and saw you alone,
28:10I would have asked you to dance.
28:11No, you wouldn't have.
28:12Well, you don't know that.
28:13It was before my growth spurge.
28:15What? That already happened?
28:16Uh...
28:19Very funny.
28:20Well, you wouldn't have asked me either.
28:22I would have asked you...
28:24in my head...
28:27on the way home...
28:29while I was having a good cry.
28:33I've invented a science joke.
28:35Would you like to hear it?
28:36Sure.
28:37How many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
28:41How many?
28:42Who cares?
28:43He stole the idea and doesn't deserve his own joke.
28:47Is that really true?
28:48Of course.
28:49That's how you know it's a good joke.
28:51It not only entertains, it informs.
28:55Hey, sorry to interrupt.
28:57Yeah, Barry,
28:58how many Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
29:01Did you know Edison didn't actually invent the white bulb?
29:07What do you want, Barry?
29:09Just wanted to drop this off as a little thank you for Amy.
29:12What's this for?
29:13Your idea really helped me out.
29:15My white cone quantization paper's online already.
29:18The response has been amazing.
29:20Well, that's fascinating. I can't wait to read it.
29:23You don't know me as well.
29:24Please email it to sheldon at bazinga.biz.
29:29Why .biz?
29:30Because I just gave you the business.
29:32And also bazinga.com was taken.
29:35This is an easy one.
29:36You love this guy.
29:38Me.
29:40Come on.
29:41He's an underappreciated genius.
29:44Still think it's me.
29:47It's not you.
29:48Now think, there's a car named after him.
29:51Of course there is.
29:52The Mini Cooper, because it's me.
29:57How about this?
29:59He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
30:00Oh, Tesla.
30:03Hi.
30:04Hey, how'd it go?
30:05Not fun.
30:06The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
30:08Yeah, I watched.
30:09It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
30:14Did they figure out what's wrong?
30:15Yeah, it's a deviated septum.
30:17The surgery to correct it is simple.
30:18He's gonna do it next week.
30:19Why would you have surgery?
30:21Because I can't breathe.
30:23I snore, I get sinus infections.
30:25You're back off.
30:26He's all mine.
30:28But you don't have a life-threatening condition.
30:30Why would you take the risk of surgery?
30:32Sheldon, it's a routine procedure.
30:34I've heard you complain about his snoring.
30:36Yeah, that's for the first five or six years,
30:38but I've gotten used to it.
30:40It helps me sleep.
30:42He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
30:46Sheldon, I'm gonna get the surgery.
30:48It's no big deal. End of story.
30:49Very well.
30:50I'm done talking about it.
30:52I believe it was your turn in the game.
30:53Okay.
30:56Let's see.
30:57Oh, this person is most famous
31:00for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery
31:04and never living the rest of his life in the shadows
31:07as a hideous, disfigured freak.
31:10I think you could give a better clue.
31:12I don't.
31:13I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo.
31:16Do you guys ever fight over money?
31:18Sure, sometimes.
31:20I mean, it can be a little awkward
31:21since I make so much more money than Howie.
31:25You didn't have to say so much more.
31:27Well, I didn't have to,
31:28but for the sake of accuracy, I felt that I should.
31:32I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.
31:35Like what?
31:36Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?
31:40For your information,
31:41I just bought the last one I needed on eBay.
31:44Without asking me?
31:47There were only three minutes left in the auction,
31:49and it was a mint-conditioned Scotty from a smoke-free home.
31:55How much, Howie?
31:56Not a lot.
31:57How much?
31:59Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.
32:02Was it more or less than falconry school?
32:07For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.
32:10Did you enjoy my lecture?
32:12No, and neither did our waiter.
32:16If you're going to serve Cornish game hen,
32:19you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall
32:21or be prepared to learn it.
32:24It's hard to argue with that, and I know.
32:26Because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill
32:28desperately try and fail.
32:36Hey, how was dinner?
32:37Good. I had Cornish game hen.
32:39Oh, that poor waiter.
32:43Sheldon, how about tomorrow night we see a movie?
32:46You guys are going out two nights in a row?
32:48Yeah, well, I missed a number of date nights
32:50while I was on my train trip,
32:52and I'm contractually obligated to make them up
32:54under the terms of the relationship agreement.
32:57That's so hot.
33:00It's better than hot. It's binding.
33:05If you're free tomorrow night,
33:06I'd love to have you join us on a double date.
33:09Aww.
33:10You are aware that a double date doesn't count as two dates.
33:15Oh.
33:17Well, then come or don't. I don't care.
33:20They're not dating.
33:21They're just two friends who went out to dinner.
33:23And then went back to the home they share
33:25where they probably fell asleep in the matching pajamas
33:27she got them because they both just love penguins.
33:32Hey, lots of people wear matching pajamas
33:35who aren't dating.
33:36Like who?
33:37Like you and your dog.
33:40Don't rule out the dating.
33:44Fine. It bothers me.
33:46You happy?
33:47You think you've got problems?
33:49The Gibbon is the only member of the ape family
33:52not classified as a great ape.
33:57How is this helpful?
33:58All the non-human apes are classified as great apes
34:01except one.
34:02That means Taxonomous created the entire category
34:05of lesser ape just to single out the poor Gibbon
34:08as the weird kid on the playground.
34:11Now, there's a hairy little fellow with a genuine beef.
34:15But the Gibbon doesn't know what it's categorized as.
34:18It doesn't even know it's called a Gibbon.
34:20True.
34:22Sorry kids, you got it worse than a Gibbon.
34:25But I made a video.
34:29I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper
34:31and I'd like to tell you why I should be chosen to
34:36go to Mars!
34:39I'm exceedingly smart.
34:41I graduated college at 14.
34:43While my brother was getting an STD
34:45I was getting a PhD.
34:50Penicillin can't take this away.
34:53Being in close quarters
34:55cleanliness is important.
34:58My hygiene is impeccable.
35:00In fact, animals don't trust me
35:02because I smell like nothing.
35:06Literally nothing.
35:11During the seven month space flight
35:13I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor.
35:19Hey Leonard
35:20is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
35:23You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
35:26Yes.
35:27Open it and check.
35:35I don't get it.
35:36There's actually peanut brittle in it.
35:44Please go to Mars.
35:47But on a more serious note
35:49the most important reason I want to go to Mars
35:52is that I believe, as a scientist
35:54it's my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward.
35:59Now I know that life on Mars will be difficult
36:02but life here on Earth is no picnic.
36:05Also, picnics are no picnic.
36:09Where should we go for lunch?
36:10Oh, I know, the ground.
36:13In conclusion
36:15thank you for considering me
36:17for this journey of a lifetime.
36:21Get to Mars!
36:25This is ridiculous.
36:26You know, I'm going to go talk to the meter d.
36:28What are you going to say?
36:29I don't know.
36:30I'm going to flirt with him.
36:32I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
36:34I'm still sleeping with you tonight.
36:37See if you can get a table by the window.
36:43Hi there.
36:44What's your name?
36:45Glenn.
36:46Oh boy, it is crazy in here tonight, huh Glenn?
36:49Well, you know, Valentine's Day.
36:51Yes, I bet your girlfriend is super bummed you had to work tonight.
36:56Anyway, look, we have been waiting a while and I just...
36:59With all due respect, ma'am, there's nothing I can do.
37:04You don't have to call me ma'am.
37:06Okay.
37:07I mean, we're basically the same age.
37:09Okay.
37:15How old are you?
37:16I'm 21. How old are you?
37:19Just shut up, Glenn.
37:22Come on. Let's get out of here.
37:23What? Why?
37:24Because I'm young. Let's go.
37:26Seems we're at a stalemate.
37:28Not technically.
37:30In chess, a stalemate refers to a situation in which there are no remaining moves.
37:34You have plenty of moves available.
37:36You could beat us up and steal the money.
37:40You could kill us.
37:42Really, you're only limited by your imagination.
37:48All these years I've been using stalemate when I really mean impasse.
37:53I feel foolish.
37:57I don't think it matters if this is a stalemate or an impasse or a Mexican standoff.
38:02What are we going to do here?
38:03Oh, how can it be a Mexican standoff?
38:05Everybody knows you need three sides for that.
38:07Not necessarily.
38:09Many argue that the essence of a Mexican standoff
38:12is that no one can walk away from the conflict without incurring harm.
38:16I don't follow.
38:19Let me give you an example.
38:21Earlier today, I decoded the headers on your email
38:25and I know that your name is Kenneth Fitzgerald.
38:27From that I figured out where you live and where you work.
38:30Now, to make this a Mexican standoff,
38:32I would say something like,
38:34you give us the helium or I'll turn you into the authorities.
38:37Is that a threat?
38:38Is that a threat?
38:39Yeah, exactly. See, you're getting it.
38:42What is this?
38:43I don't know. Maybe it says something on the back.
38:47Continued on milk.
38:50If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast,
38:52it didn't work for my mom and it won't work for you.
38:56Are.
38:57We.
38:58Are.
39:00Seaspoons for more.
39:03What could it be?
39:04We are Groot?
39:05We are the champions?
39:07We are family?
39:08I got all my sisters with me?
39:15Are you serious?
39:17Yeah.
39:19Are you sure?
39:23Pretty positive.
39:25That's a joke because the pregnancy test says I could.
39:31This is incredible.
39:33We're gonna be parents?
39:35We're gonna get to board planes first?
39:40We're finally gonna get to see what's in that family bathroom at the mall.
39:46No, it's crazy.
39:47It is crazy.
39:49Oh, I mean, how do you prepare for something like this?
39:54I'm not even sure I've held a baby before.
39:57Oh, it's okay. You'll figure it out.
39:59But how's this all gonna work? Do we get a nanny?
40:02Can we afford a nanny?
40:03Can we afford a nanny?
40:04If we can, we can't get a pretty one because it'll wreck our marriage.
40:09We can't get an ugly one because it'll scare the kid.
40:14I don't know how he...
40:15Are we in a good school district?
40:17You're Catholic. I'm Jewish.
40:19What religion do we raise it in?
40:21If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised?
40:23People say it's barbaric, but if we don't, it looks like a pig in a blanket.
40:29Calm down. It's gonna be okay.
40:31How's it gonna be okay?
40:33Look at me. I'm a mess.
40:36That means this baby's gonna be half a mess.
40:38And that's even before we screw it up with our cut-rate, moderately attractive nanny.
40:44Oh, there's a woman. I'll make her my girlfriend.
40:50Walking up to a strange woman in a bar usually doesn't work.
40:53You're forgetting something.
40:55Ladies love jocks.
40:58How many sips of that beer did you have?
41:00Three.
41:01Oh, boy.
41:04Excuse me. I'm recovering from a recent breakup.
41:08And I'm told asking out another woman might make me feel better.
41:12And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, I choose you.
41:17What?
41:18It's a Pokemon reference.
41:20I don't know what that means.
41:22Well, we gave it a shot.
41:25How about you?
41:28I'm married. And I'm her grandmother.
41:31Ah, what might have been.
41:34And you, give my regards to Barnum and Bailey.
41:40He's eating. That's a good sign.
41:42You're gonna have to wait one hour until you can go swimming again.
41:48He's pretty cute.
41:49He is.
41:51Should we name him?
41:54It is Valentine's Day.
41:56How about Valentino?
41:59Nice. Classic rabbit name.
42:03Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit, Valentino Wallowitz Rabbit.
42:09Look at all that chest hair and overbite.
42:12Of course you're a wallowitz.
42:16Son of a bitch, he bit me.
42:18Are you okay?
42:19No, I'm not okay. Wild rabbits can have rabies.
42:23Why'd you put your finger near its mouth?
42:25Poor judgment, obviously.
42:29He's so little, I'm sure it's fine.
42:31How can it be fine? I just got attacked by a clearly anti-semitic wild animal.
42:38It says rabies in rabbits is highly unlikely.
42:41Terrific.
42:42It's not terrific. Lots of highly unlikely things happen.
42:45You saw what's under this robe and you still married me.
42:49If you're really worried, we'll take him to the vet and have him tested.
42:53Okay, there is a test. All they have to do is cut off his head and check his brain.
42:59Oh, cut off his head? That's where his little nose is.
43:05He's not showing any symptoms.
43:08I guess I'll just go to the emergency room to be safe.
43:12Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
43:14When I sat on the mute button and thought I'd gone deaf, that was my hypochondria.
43:18There was a song I couldn't get out of my head.
43:21Eventually I realized the song was about you.
43:24And like that earworm, I can't get you out of my heart.
43:28So what I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm.
43:35The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.
43:40What?
43:42If I may, I believe what he's saying, in a charming and delightful way, is that he loves you and wants you back.
43:50Dave Gibbs, huge fan of your work. Don't mind me.
43:57I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were on a date.
44:00No, it's okay. Keep going.
44:03Amy, if you want to be my girlfriend again, I really want to be your boyfriend.
44:08I really want that too.
44:11Good. Because I love you.
44:16I love you too.
44:20Kiss her, you brilliant fool.
44:28Dear crazy future Sheldon.
44:32This is a thermostat.
44:35It controls the temperature of the apartment.
44:38The ideal setting is 72 degrees.
44:41If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket.
44:44A straight jacket, because 72 is the best, and you're crazy.
44:49Now, this is your spot.
44:53You're very protective of it.
44:55When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly.
44:59It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable.
45:04People are also delighted by your love of pranks.
45:08For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee.
45:13It wasn't replaced with Folgers crystals, I'll tell you that much.
45:17Hey, can we please get back to work?
45:19This is Leonard. He's your best friend in the world.
45:22Just stop. This is ridiculous.
45:27Sometimes he gets cranky.
45:30But you can trust him with your life.
45:32And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.
45:40Oh, no, he's drinking it.
45:44Come on, Leonard's doing bachelor stuff.
45:46You sure we can't take you to a strip club?
45:48If I want to see a naked, dancing man,
45:50I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in the shower.
45:56Hi. Hey.
45:58I know we're not making a fuss,
46:00but in the spirit of bachelorette parties,
46:03I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
46:08Thank you. I really didn't have to...
46:10Whoa!
46:13That is anatomic.
46:15Thank you. The veins are gummy worms.
46:22Oh, look. Chewy shen-shen tile.
46:27I had extra dough.
46:31Oh, that's Leonard. He said they're about to cross the border.
46:34I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
46:36Oh, yeah, right. Lock up your daughters,
46:38or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
46:43Boy, that was a long night for me.
46:46What do you think?
46:47I think it's very cute.
46:49Cute? It's not cute.
46:51Cute is children dressed as vegetables.
46:56Okay, fine. It's not cute.
46:58Just be honest. You don't like it.
47:00I didn't say that.
47:02I just like music you can dance to.
47:04You can dance to this.
47:06Uh, uh, uh...
47:08Thor and Dr. Jones
47:10Thor and Dr. Jones
47:13One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones
47:19I'm telling you, dude, the song has no groove.
47:21You can't dance to it.
47:24Who cares?
47:25I thought the whole point of Footprints on the Moon
47:27was to write songs that make people think.
47:29You can do both.
47:31Like Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.
47:33While you're dancing, you're thinking,
47:35like, darn it, whose baby is it?
47:37Any Spock collectibles?
47:39I have many.
47:41My most treasured is an autographed napkin
47:43given to me by my very thoughtful friend Penny.
47:45That's her over there.
47:50Hi.
47:53Look at that. I'm in a movie. My shirt stayed on.
47:57Can we see the napkin?
47:59Oh, of course. Excuse me.
48:01This will just take a moment.
48:14When did we get a wall safe?
48:18When there was no more room in the floor safe.
48:21When did we get a floor safe?
48:24When we got the security camera.
48:26There's a security camera?
48:29Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
48:35Oh, my God. We've done things on that couch.
48:37Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
48:40Have you thought about advertising directly to females?
48:43Oh, okay.
48:45Well, all right.
48:47What if I put up a sign in the window that said,
48:51Women, come in.
48:53Don't be afraid.
49:00Hey, have you read the online reviews for this place?
49:03Eh, the Internet's so negative, I try to avoid it.
49:06All right, well, Heather H. says,
49:08The owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink once.
49:21Kelly M. says,
49:23The creepy guy who runs it asked me out
49:25then called himself stupid before I could say no.
49:30Jessica K. says,
49:32I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt.
49:34He took it off and gave it to me.
49:39See? Negative.
49:42You actually think it's 2003?
49:44No, just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago
49:47doesn't mean I'm delusional.
49:49And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are,
49:52so please exit the premises
49:54before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
50:00Hello, 2003.
50:05Hey, we brought you time...
50:09Where is everything?
50:10In my present, it's in the future.
50:12In your present, it's been crammed in the bedroom
50:15by an enterprising young man I met in the Home Depot parking lot.
50:20I know what you're doing.
50:22You're trying to get attention so we'll feel bad for you,
50:24but it's not happening.
50:25No, what I'm doing is trying to figure out how to live my life
50:28now that everyone is leaving me.
50:30Knock it off. We're across the hall.
50:32As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
50:37They're not saying that.
50:39They are in 2003.
50:42No, they're really not.