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00:00Are there any questions?
00:02Yeah. What the hell was that?
00:07Any other questions?
00:09Dr. Sheldon Cooper here. I am the lead author of this particular paper.
00:18And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park
00:23and I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
00:25which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
00:28in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
00:31I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote. It's not science.
00:34Oh. Oh, I see. It was the apple falling on Newton's head. Was that just an anecdote?
00:39You are not Isaac Newton.
00:40No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
00:44You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
00:46You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
00:49Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me.
00:53As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds.
00:57No offense.
00:58Really? So why did you come?
01:00Because I knew you'd screw this up.
01:02Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
01:05Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
01:08But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
01:13No offense.
01:15And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity
01:19and has an ego in need of constant validation.
01:21So you admit you're an egotist?
01:23Yes!
01:25My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter, and I could never please my parents,
01:28so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
01:30But he's worse!
01:32Okay, that is it.
01:34Stop it.
01:37You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
01:40Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
01:42Stop it.
01:43You hit me. You saw that? He hit me.
01:45You were trying to blow up my head.
01:47So it was working.
01:48It wasn't. It was not. You are a nutcase!
01:50Oh, we'll see about that.
01:51Heads up, you people in the front row. This is a splash zone.
01:55Stop it!
01:56Quit it!
02:03Is this usually how these physics things go?
02:05More often than you think.
02:12Let's go out tonight.
02:20I have to go out tonight.
02:26What the hell is that?
02:29I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
02:39You want to prowl? Be my night owl.
02:42We'll take my hat.
02:44Hey, guys!
02:45Hi! Where are you going?
02:48We just had to mail some letters.
02:51And throw away some chicken.
03:12You'll never guess what just happened.
03:14I give up.
03:15Yes, as a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.
03:20Although, as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device,
03:24rendering my response moot.
03:27What was that?
03:28Believe it or not, personal growth.
03:30What happened?
03:31All right, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent,
03:34but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
03:36I have a conclusion based on an observation.
03:38No, you don't.
03:39No, he doesn't.
03:41Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
03:44Oh, congratulations. What a lucky break.
03:46It's not a big deal, just a one-night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents,
03:50so you never know.
03:51I think I know.
03:52No, you don't.
03:54He doesn't.
03:55It's this Friday at 8. You guys want to come?
03:57No.
04:00Because, uh, Friday we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
04:07I think that's a week from Tuesday at 6.
04:09No, it's this Friday. At 8.
04:13Oh, too bad. Well, I gotta get to rehearsal. See you guys.
04:15See ya.
04:16Let's go out tonight.
04:22You just lied to Penny.
04:23Yes, I did.
04:24But you did it so casually. No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
04:29So?
04:30So lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
04:35Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
04:37No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
04:42That's very true.
05:13Oh, dear God.
05:19Leonard!
05:22Leonard, I'm sick!
05:27Leonard?
05:30Leonard, I'm sick!
05:36Leonard?
05:39Leonard?
05:41Leonard?
05:45Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over.
05:53Leonard?
06:01Ow.
06:02Ow.
06:09Hey, Leonard, where are you?
06:12I'm at work.
06:15At 6.30 in the morning?
06:17Yes.
06:19On Sunday?
06:21Yes.
06:23Why?
06:24They asked me to come in.
06:25I didn't hear the phone ring.
06:27They texted me.
06:28Well, as I predicted, I am sick.
06:32My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2 a.m.,
06:36and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate.
06:41No kidding.
06:43Nope. Not only that, it has shifted from clear to milky green.
06:51Howard, it's the phone!
06:53Howard, it's the phone!
06:58I know it's the phone, Ma. I hear the phone!
07:02Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour?
07:06I don't know!
07:08Well, ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour!
07:12How can I ask them when I'm talking to you?!
07:19Hello?
07:21Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
07:23Dear Lord, not milky green.
07:26Here's your T-shirt.
07:31EMS?
07:32It's a couple days early.
07:35No.
07:36It stands for Perpetual Motion Squad.
07:39Oh, right. Of course. What was I thinking?
07:43Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome to this year's Physics Bowl!
07:49Today's preliminary match features two great teams,
07:53A.A. versus...
07:57P.M.S.
07:58All night long, y'all!
08:06The final question.
08:08The score now stands.
08:09A.A., 1150.
08:11P.M.S., 1175.
08:14So, for 100 points and the match,
08:17please turn your attention to the formula on the screens.
08:22Solve the equation.
08:26Holy crap.
08:29What the hell is that?
08:30It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
08:34No, I think.
08:35Leslie?
08:36Leonard, it's not gonna work if you rush me.
08:38You have to let me get there.
08:39You are never going to let that go, are you?
08:42Ten seconds.
08:45He doesn't have it.
08:47He's got squat.
08:58A.A., I need your answer.
09:01The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
09:04Hang on. Hang on a second. That's not our answer.
09:06What are you doing?
09:07Answering questions. Winning Physics Bowl.
09:10How do you know anything about physics?
09:12Here, I am janitor in former Soviet Union.
09:15I am physicist.
09:17Leningrad Polytechnica.
09:19Go polar bears!
09:24Well, that's a delightful little story,
09:26but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything.
09:28I answer the questions.
09:29You didn't answer a question.
09:31Hey, look!
09:32Now, maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia,
09:34but on this Physics Bowl team,
09:36Ow!
09:38A.A., I need your official answer.
09:40Well, it's not what he said.
09:42Then what is it?
09:43I want a different question.
09:44You can't have a different question.
09:45Formal protest.
09:46Denied.
09:47Informal protest.
09:49Denied.
09:50I need your official answer.
09:52No, I declined to provide one.
09:54Well, that's too bad,
09:55because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
09:59That's your opinion?
10:01No, I declined to provide one.
10:04That's your opinion?
10:08All right, the winner of the match is...
10:10Hang on.
10:11Sheldon,
10:12is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else
10:15so important that you would rather lose by yourself
10:18than win as part of a team?
10:21I don't understand the question.
10:24Go ahead.
10:25The winner is PMS!
10:34And we'll keep on fighting to the end
10:42We are the champions
10:46We are the champions
10:50Never lose, never lose
10:53Because we are the champions
10:59Uh, some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop
11:03from the original film and no one is bidding on it.
11:05A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
11:08No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
11:12Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
11:14Did you see it? It's rough.
11:18Oh, that's cool.
11:19Uh-huh.
11:20It's only $800?
11:21Yeah, and that's my bid.
11:22You bid $800?
11:24It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
11:25I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
11:29There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
11:31Do you have $800?
11:32Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
11:34Well, don't worry.
11:35The way these things work is people wait until the last second to bid
11:37and then they swoop in and get it.
11:38It's called sniping.
11:3915 seconds.
11:40Come on, snipers.
11:4310, 9, 8
11:46Where are your snipers?
11:475
11:48Snip.
11:494
11:50Snip.
11:513
11:52Snip.
11:532
11:541
11:55Oh, congratulations.
11:56You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
12:00You lucky duck.
12:02I wonder why no one else bid.
12:03This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
12:06I know.
12:16I understand why no one else bid.
12:18Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
12:22Okay, how about this?
12:23You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party,
12:25I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
12:37Don't toy with me, woman.
12:41I got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem.
12:43I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around
12:45and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
12:49Thy will be done.
13:01I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
13:10Excuse me, my friend is having an allergic reaction to peanuts.
13:12No, he's not.
13:14Yes, he is.
13:15Look, sir, we are very busy.
13:17Look, sir, we are very busy here and I just...
13:19Holy crap!
13:22Please help me.
13:25Go for it, I need a gurney.
13:28Right away, right away.
13:32Where's Christine?
13:33In the shower.
13:35Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt?
13:37Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
13:44You used my loofah?
13:46More precisely, we used your loofah.
13:49I exfoliated her brains out.
13:54You can keep that, too.
13:56Ah, well, then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
14:02Howard?
14:03In here, m'lady.
14:06There's my little engine that could.
14:09Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka.
14:13Oh, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
14:16This is Lalita Gupta. Lalita, this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny.
14:20Isn't it great? She isn't fat anymore.
14:24Forgive me, your highness, for I am but a monkey and it is in my nature to climb.
14:28I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
14:33I'm sorry?
14:34You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
14:38Oh, no kidding. Who is that?
14:41A beloved character from an Indian folktale.
14:44Oh. Us Indian or come to our casino Indian?
14:51You Indian.
14:52Oh.
14:53The resemblance is remarkable.
14:55I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
14:59Well, thanks. I imagine you smell very nice, too.
15:03I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
15:08Really? So do I.
15:10But you're a dentist. He's nuts.
15:14Don't be insulting, Rajesh.
15:16So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
15:20It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars
15:24and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
15:29Oh, my.
15:30Back off, Sheldon.
15:32What?
15:33If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
15:38I'm not hitting on her.
15:39And I am not your lady.
15:41And you have no wrath.
15:45You are my lady. Our parents said so.
15:47We are for all intents and purposes 100% hooked up.
15:50Okay, let's get something straight here.
15:52The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case.
15:55I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you.
15:58That's exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
16:02Oh, screw Princess Panchali.
16:03Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
16:05But you're not Princess Panchali.
16:06Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
16:09Sheldon, are you hungry?
16:11I could eat.
16:12Let's go.
16:17I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
16:20What was I supposed to say?
16:22You could have told her the truth.
16:24That would have hurt her feelings.
16:26Is that a relevant factor?
16:29Yes.
16:30Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
16:32And what would I have said afterwards?
16:35I would suggest something to the effect of
16:37singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
16:41And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan
16:43to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
16:49I couldn't say that.
16:50I would have to say,
16:51you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
16:55Why?
16:57It's the social protocol.
16:59It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
17:05I was not aware of that.
17:06Well, now you are.
17:07Oh.
17:08All right.
17:09Leonard?
17:10Yes?
17:11When we played chess earlier,
17:12you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again.
17:15Good night.
17:21This is amazing.
17:23Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
17:27Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
17:33Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
17:37You're gonna do okay.
17:40One day at a time, Penny.
17:45One day at a time.
17:52How long is he going to stay here?
17:55He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
17:57Where's he going to go?
17:59Oh, you have a lot to learn about lying.
18:02Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius
18:05in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
18:07All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
18:18Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
18:22Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
18:24Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
18:27Okay.
18:28How about that one?
18:31Uh-uh, I know the type.
18:32Cheerleader, student council, goes out with the jocks,
18:34won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.
18:36And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you,
18:39it turns out to be a set-up and you're in the back seat of your mom's car
18:41with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you.
18:47Are you crying?
18:48No, I have allergies.
18:52Okay.
18:53Oh, hey, how about her?
18:56Sure.
18:57Who wants to spend a couple years doing her homework
18:59while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat white Russians?
19:02You're the one holding her head out of the toilet
19:04while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you.
19:07And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her
19:10and you drive up to visit her one weekend
19:11and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
19:17Okay, so not her either.
19:19Could I have everyone's attention, please?
19:22What a wonderful occasion this is.
19:25And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on
19:27Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
19:30We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
19:34Welcome, Dennis Kim.
19:37Mr. Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University,
19:41he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
19:46Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
19:50And now, without any further ado,
19:52let me introduce the man of the hour,
19:54Mr. Dennis Kim.
19:58Dennis?
20:00Dennis!
20:01What?
20:04Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
20:07No, thanks. I'm going to the mall with Emma.
20:15The kid got a girl.
20:18Unbelievable.
20:20Did anyone see how he did it?
20:23Unbelievable.
20:24Unbelievable.
20:25Components I built are on the International Space Station,
20:28and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
20:31I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch
20:33as it was for you telling the policewoman,
20:35you have to frisk me, I have another rocket in my pants.
20:39Hey, look at that.
20:42It's Dennis Kim.
20:44Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
20:47You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
20:50Hmm.
20:53Yeah, we really ruined his life.
20:57Screw him, he was weak.
21:01Take him down!
21:02He's got you, Sheldon.
21:04Come on!
21:06Hey, guys, guys.
21:07Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
21:09It's called trestling.
21:11It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling
21:13with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
21:16Yeah, that's terrific.
21:17But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
21:20All right, come on, guys. Come on.
21:22Happy birthday to you.
21:26We might as well stop, it's a stalemate.
21:28You're beating me in Tetris,
21:29but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
21:32Keebler elf?
21:33I go to Keebler elf right here.
21:40Okay, it's a stalemate.
21:41Excuse me, do you know anything about this stuff?
21:44I know everything about this stuff.
21:46Okay.
21:47I have my own wholesale flower business,
21:49and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance
21:51with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
21:53Here, buy this one.
21:54Look, it's the one we're getting.
21:55See? Happy guy.
21:56No, no, no, no, no.
21:57She doesn't want that.
21:58She needs a point-to-point peer network
22:00with a range extender.
22:03Which hard drive do I want?
22:05Firewire or USB?
22:07It depends on what bus you have available.
22:12I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
22:16Oh, dear Lord.
22:18Sheldon, we have to go.
22:19Not now, Penny.
22:20This poor man needs me.
22:21You hold on.
22:22I'll be right with you.
22:23What computer do you have?
22:25And please don't say a white one.
22:30Okay, we don't have that in stock.
22:33But I can special order it for you.
22:36Him.
22:38Excuse me, sir?
22:39You don't work here.
22:41Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
22:45Sheldon, we have to go.
22:47Why?
22:48Well, for one thing,
22:49we're late for Leonard's birthday party,
22:50and for another,
22:51I told him to call security.
22:53Good luck.
22:57By the way,
22:58a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
23:00Keep walking.
23:01Yeah, one, two, three, four
23:02is not a secure password.
23:03Were the rest of the guys meeting this year?
23:05Oh, yeah.
23:06No.
23:08It turns out that Raj and Howard had to work
23:10and Sheldon had a colonoscopy
23:13and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
23:17My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
23:19You're kidding.
23:20Well, then that's something we have in common.
23:24How?
23:26We both have people in our lives
23:28who want to nip
23:30intestinal polyps in the butt.
23:38So, what's new in the world of physics?
23:41Nothing.
23:44Really? Nothing?
23:46Well, with the exception of string theory,
23:49not much has happened since the 1930s,
23:52and you can't prove string theory.
23:54At best, you can say,
23:55hey, look,
23:56my idea has an internal logical consistency.
24:03Hey, do you want to see something cool?
24:06I can make this olive go into this glass
24:09without touching it.
24:11How?
24:12Six.
24:19Wow, centrifugal force.
24:21Actually, it's centripetal force,
24:23which is an inward force
24:25generated by the glass acting on the olive.
24:29Excuse me.
24:30Now, if you were biting on the olive,
24:33you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame
24:35and would...
24:38Are you okay?
24:39Yeah, I'm okay.
24:42Did you spill ketchup?
24:43No.
24:44I'm not okay.
24:45All right.
24:46I'm moving my infantry division,
24:48augmented by a battalion of orcs
24:50from Lord of the Rings.
24:51We flank the Tennessee Volunteers,
24:53and the North once again
24:54wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
24:57Not so fast.
24:58Remember, the South still has
24:59two infantry divisions,
25:00plus Superman and Godzilla.
25:03No, no, no, no.
25:04Orcs are magic.
25:05Superman is vulnerable to magic.
25:06Not to mention,
25:07you already lost Godzilla
25:08to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
25:10Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee
25:12charge the line with
25:13Shiva and Ganesh?
25:14All right.
25:15You guys ready to order?
25:16Hang on, honey.
25:17Shiva and Ganesh?
25:18The Hindu gods
25:19against the entire Union army?
25:21And orcs.
25:23I'll be back.
25:24Excuse me.
25:25Ganesh is the remover of obstacles,
25:27and Shiva's the destroyer.
25:28When the smoke clears,
25:29Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi
25:31and drinking mint juleps.
25:33All right.
25:34My boss says you have to either order
25:35or leave and never come back.
25:37Hey, Leslie.
25:38Careful, Leonard.
25:39Liquid nitrogen,
25:40320 degrees below zero.
25:43Burn.
25:51Why are you smashing
25:52a flash-frozen banana?
25:53Because I got a bowl of Cheerios,
25:54and I couldn't find a knife.
25:58So anyway...
26:01Hello.
26:07Uh, what are you doing?
26:09Just extending the intimacy.
26:11Hey, do you want to slip over
26:12to the radiation lab
26:13and share a decontamination shower?
26:19Okay, uh,
26:20what exactly do you think's
26:21going on between us?
26:24I'm not sure,
26:25but I think I'm about to discover
26:26how the banana felt.
26:32Listen, Leonard,
26:33neither of us are neuroscientists,
26:34but we both understand
26:35the biochemistry of sex.
26:36I mean, dopamine in our brains
26:38is released across synapses
26:39causing pleasure.
26:40You stick electrodes
26:41in a rat's brain,
26:42give him an orgasm button,
26:43he'll push that thing
26:44until he starves to death.
26:46Well, who wouldn't?
26:48Well, the only difference
26:49between us and the rat
26:50is that you can't stick
26:51an electrode in our hypothalamus.
26:52That's where you come in.
26:56Yeah, well,
26:57I'm just glad to be a part of it.
27:00So what happens now?
27:01Well, I don't know
27:02about your sex drive,
27:03but I'm probably good
27:04till New Year's.
27:08Oh.
27:09Okay.
27:16You want to make plans
27:17for New Year's?
27:18Whoa, Leonard, please,
27:19you're smothering me.