George & Mildred - S04E06 The Mating Game 1978
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00:30What? What's he getting, a shrug?
00:49They're behaving like animals, they are.
00:54Who are?
00:55What, the dogs out there?
00:57Yeah, some of them followed me from the park, kept sniffing round me legs.
01:01I can't understand it, I don't even like dogs.
01:03Well, it might not be you they're interested in.
01:05What do you mean?
01:06Well, I mean, Truffles is in season.
01:09Yeah, but still, I mean...
01:11What, you mean she...
01:12Yeah.
01:13You might have told me.
01:15You mean she can't help it?
01:17What?
01:18Who is turning into a little lady then?
01:21Yeah.
01:22Yeah, come to think of it, that explains a lot.
01:24The black and white mongrel from down the road.
01:26He was trying to get in the letterbox yesterday.
01:29Well, it's only natural.
01:31Well, I don't think so.
01:32No, you wouldn't.
01:34I don't have that trouble with Moby.
01:36He keeps himself to himself, he does.
01:38He hasn't got a lot of choice.
01:39Yeah, a fish after me own heart.
01:41Here, a black five on a red six.
01:43Come to think of it, she wasn't playing hard to get.
01:46Her tail was going like windscreen wipers.
01:49She doesn't know what it's all about.
01:50What do you want to tell her before she gets into trouble?
01:52I'm not sure I remember.
01:54Oh, take her to the vet.
01:56Yeah, take her to the vet, get her done.
01:58Certainly not.
02:00Why not?
02:01I want her to have everything in life that I've never had.
02:08And that includes puppies.
02:09Well, it's ridiculous.
02:11There's a mob of them out there all lined up.
02:14Hey, take her to the vet, perhaps you could put her on the pill.
02:21Right.
02:23Now, tell your mother.
02:25Tell her what I found you doing.
02:29What?
02:31I was in the garden shed.
02:33Well, that's not so bad.
02:35He was puffing at a cigarette.
02:39Oh, Tristram.
02:42I only wanted to see what it was like.
02:45And what was it like?
02:47Horrible.
02:49No, it would be.
02:50He lit the filter end.
02:52Now, look, Tristram, smoking's bad for you, bad.
02:54And it stunts your growth.
02:56But it hasn't stunted yours.
02:58Yes, it has.
03:00I would have been eight foot four if I hadn't smoked.
03:02Now, it's not clever.
03:04And I want you to promise me you'll never do it again.
03:06I won't.
03:08I didn't like it.
03:09Good.
03:11And no television for a week.
03:13Not even Dr. Hood?
03:15Not even Dr. Hood?
03:17Nope.
03:18But you and me always watch Dr. Hood.
03:20And the dragons have got him trapped in a time zone.
03:23So they have.
03:25No television for four days.
03:35You know who he gets it from, don't you?
03:37Oh, yes.
03:38Probably those kids from the council estate.
03:40No, you.
03:42Oh.
03:43He sees you smoking and he wants to be like you.
03:45There's only one thing for it.
03:47You'll have to give it up.
03:58If there is a pill, the vet is bound to know about it.
04:01I still think we ought to have her done.
04:03No.
04:04There's no harm in it, make her docile.
04:06She'll lose interest, just lie around all day.
04:08You don't have to describe it to me.
04:11Shouldn't we have brought her with us?
04:14Yeah, if you fancy fighting off an Irish wolfhound.
04:17Oh, you won't have any trouble with him.
04:19He's long past all that sort of thing.
04:22Aren't you, George?
04:32His trouble is he's taken to biting postmen.
04:36Oh, yes?
04:37Yes.
04:39I wrote to the vet to ask his advice,
04:42but George wouldn't let them deliver the reply.
04:52There's nothing wrong with him at all.
04:54I can't sing, but it doesn't mean I'm ill.
05:00Next.
05:01Oh, that's us.
05:02Mr and Mrs Roper.
05:03Oh, yes, yes.
05:04Come in, come in.
05:06You had a little trouble with worms?
05:11Not me, the dog.
05:13Quite.
05:15All cleared up?
05:16Oh, yes, but Trafford's got another little problem now.
05:19You haven't brought her with you?
05:21Oh, no, no, no.
05:22I didn't want to talk about it in front of her.
05:25I see.
05:26What exactly is the problem?
05:29Um, well, she's, um...
05:32She's itching for a...
05:34Oh, George.
05:38She's in season,
05:39and I wondered if there was a pill of some sort.
05:42Oh, yes, there's a hormone pill I could give you.
05:45It'll, um...
05:46It'll make her unattractive to males for a while.
05:49Oh, I don't think I like the sound of that.
05:51Oh, no, you wouldn't, would you?
05:53I think we ought to have her done.
05:55Personally, I think it's better to wait until they have her litter.
05:58I don't know how your wife feels.
06:00Oh, yes, she'd agree with that.
06:02What age is she?
06:03Oh, she's getting on a bit.
06:04Last birthday, you were...
06:05Oh, troubles!
06:09She's two.
06:11Ideal age.
06:12Yes?
06:13Oh, my sister's got a little Yorkie,
06:16and he's a little boy.
06:17Oh, no, one's enough trouble.
06:18I don't want half a dozen.
06:19Oh, George, we don't have to keep them all.
06:21Oh, no, you'd sell them at what?
06:23Pedigree Yorkshire's?
06:25At least 40 pounds a time.
06:27How much?
06:28I don't know.
06:37You know, Anne, since I gave up smoking,
06:39my sense of smell has come back.
06:41That's nice.
06:42Not altogether, I just passed the compost heap.
06:44Still, it's a start.
06:46My lungs feel pinker, food tastes so much better,
06:48and I've lost my cough.
06:50You've only given up for four hours.
06:52I'm feeling the benefit already.
06:54Mmm.
06:56What's for lunch?
06:58Boiled nappies?
07:04You know, I've worked it out, Mildred.
07:06If she has ten pups at 40 quid a time,
07:08that's 300 quid.
07:12That's 400.
07:14She might not have ten.
07:15She'll probably only have two or three.
07:17Still, it's worth having, innit?
07:19What's all that rubbish?
07:21Canapes.
07:23You can't invite people round for cocktails
07:25without giving them canapes.
07:27I'll answer it.
07:28George, now, make them feel welcome.
07:30Oh, yeah, I will, don't worry.
07:39Ah, come in, Ethel, Humphrey.
07:41Nice to see you, to see you.
07:45Yeah, well, do come on in.
07:47It's always a delight to have you visit us.
07:50He's being pleasant. He wants something.
07:53Now, you don't know that, do you?
07:55And listen, do you think we can try and have a conversation
07:58without you mentioning your new diamond ring?
08:00As if I would.
08:03It's your sister Ethel and her husband.
08:05I think you know that, Mildred.
08:08Darling.
08:12And Humphrey.
08:14Oh, do sit down.
08:16Top.
08:19Top.
08:22Well, now, cocktail time.
08:24What'll you have?
08:26Oh, er, well, we normally have a gin sling.
08:28Right.
08:31I can't tell you how pleased I was
08:33when you phoned to invite us over.
08:36My pleasure.
08:37So nice to give us a ring.
08:41Yes.
08:42Right, er, gin sling. I'll pour the gin.
08:44What do you want me slinging it?
08:48A tonic will do.
08:50Try it.
08:51Right.
08:52Oh!
08:53Oh, is that a new ring you're wearing?
08:55You noticed.
08:57It's a nine-diamond hoop.
08:59It costs an arm and a leg,
09:01and please can we change the subject?
09:03How's your little Yorkie these days?
09:06Am I right?
09:07Oh, I didn't tell you.
09:09This year he was best in his class.
09:12Oh, you're sending him to school?
09:14The dog show.
09:16Talking about dogs,
09:17there's a black-and-white mongrel outside
09:19trying to climb your drainpipe.
09:22Is he back again?
09:24It's that time of the year for truffles.
09:27Oh, that.
09:30I was thinking
09:32if perhaps Pomeroy and truffles
09:35could become, er,
09:37well, little friends.
09:39Oh.
09:40Oh, now I'm all for that.
09:42It's time Pomeroy proved he was up to it.
09:46He's had no experience of that sort of thing.
09:50Well, neither had I at his age.
09:54But you soon get the hang of it.
09:56Don't you, George?
10:01I don't think he's even seen a bitch.
10:05I keep him with me all the time.
10:10So they're bringing him round this afternoon?
10:12Oh.
10:13Just to say hello?
10:14Or is it nitty-gritty time?
10:15Well, we hope they're going to hit it off together, you know.
10:18Oh, hello, Mr Formile.
10:20Oh.
10:22Um, yesterday I bought a pound of boiled humbugs.
10:25Where are they?
10:26You've eaten them.
10:27Where are my toffee whirls?
10:28On the sideboard.
10:30Oh.
10:34He's given up smoking.
10:35Oh.
10:36Just got to the really ratty stage.
10:38Oh, I can't believe that.
10:39They are not on the sideboard.
10:41My God.
10:42If a man can't put down half a pound of toffee whirls
10:44without someone stealing them, it's a poor lookout.
10:46I believe it.
10:47Right, I'm just going back.
10:48Yes.
10:54Does he know what's expected of him?
10:56How am I supposed to tell him?
10:58He knows stay and sit and fetch,
11:01but I don't think his vocabulary stretches to this situation.
11:06I am not happy about this,
11:08and it is usual to charge a stud fee.
11:11What do you mean?
11:12He gets paid for doing things.
11:14Yeah, and they talk about a dog's life.
11:19Well, I suppose it is in the family.
11:21Mildred, I was saying I shall expect the pick of the litter.
11:24Oh, yes, dear, of course.
11:26Here we are, George.
11:28May you take her.
11:29Ethel and I will go and have a cup of tea
11:31We'll go and have a cup of tea while they're...
11:35We'll go and have a cup of tea.
11:37Be brave.
11:42There, there, Truffles.
11:44Yeah, come on, Ethel.
11:49I always cry at weddings.
11:54I suppose we ought to introduce them.
11:56I mean, it's only decent, isn't it?
11:58Yeah.
11:59Truffles, this is Pomeroy Pomfrey,
12:02and Pomeroy, this is Truffles Roper.
12:05Right, well, what do we do now?
12:08Put some romantic music on the record player.
12:10Right.
12:13Look, we just put them out in the garden
12:16and, er...
12:19let nature take its course.
12:21Oh, right.
12:26Right.
12:27Morning, Pomeroy.
12:29England expects.
12:32Best of luck, Truffles.
12:43Give them a bit of privacy.
12:58WHISTLING
13:16It's a nice day for it, isn't it?
13:20Yeah.
13:27Coming along nicely.
13:30What is?
13:32Your winter jasmine.
13:34Oh, oh, yeah.
13:36Yeah, I was, er...
13:37I just planted some roses in the...
13:46What are you doing?
13:48I just thought you might have some sweets in your handbag.
13:52No.
13:54All right.
13:56Don't worry about me.
13:58I'll be all right.
14:00It's just a question of willpower and...
14:04good grief.
14:06What?
14:07Nothing.
14:10Nothing.
14:11Yeah.
14:12I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?
14:15Absolutely.
14:16To young love.
14:17What?
14:18Erm...
14:19how's it going?
14:21Mission accomplished.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:56WHISTLING
14:59Why don't you try swimming round the other way, Moby?
15:02Make a nice change for you.
15:04You're not yourself lately, are you?
15:07Oh, give us a smile. Come on.
15:09There you are.
15:11That's the way.
15:12George.
15:13George?
15:14What?
15:15It's confirmed.
15:16The vet's confirmed it.
15:18What?
15:19She's expecting.
15:20Oh, good.
15:21I'll put a card in the newsagent's window, 40 quid a time.
15:25Did he say how many?
15:27No, he did not.
15:29Who's a clever little girl, then?
15:31Shouldn't she be putting her feet up or something?
15:34Oh, George, yes, you're right.
15:36It's nice to see you thinking of her for a change.
15:39Yeah, right.
15:40Perhaps we could raffle them, then we'd get even more money.
15:43More money?
15:46Then we could afford a few luxuries for you, couldn't we, Moby?
15:50A bit of carpet on the bottom of your bowl?
15:53You've had your nose put out over this dog business, haven't you?
15:56But don't you worry, I'm going to make it up to you.
15:59Who's a clever boy, then?
16:01Who's a clever wee thing?
16:03Aren't you the clever wee boy?
16:05Aren't you the pretty wee...
16:07Oh, I beg your pardon.
16:09Can I be of service to you, sir?
16:11Oh, yeah, it's about Moby.
16:13Moby?
16:14Yeah, well, he's a bit depressed, you see.
16:16I think it's on account of Truffles getting all the attention.
16:19Truffles?
16:20Yeah, that's the wise little Yorkie, see.
16:22Well, I thought I'd buy him a present or, you know, well, to cheer him up.
16:25That'd be Moby.
16:26Yeah, that's right.
16:27Well, what about a nice rubber bone?
16:30I mean, you could throw it for him to catch.
16:33He's a goldfish.
16:35Oh, in that case, it would probably only confuse him.
16:38Yeah, well, I was thinking of perhaps putting a bell in the bottom of the bowl,
16:41but that's more your budgie, really, isn't it?
16:43Oh, it is, yes.
16:44A bull.
16:45Now, that might be the problem.
16:47They do need elbow room.
16:48Well, he hasn't got any elbows.
16:51Oh, the marina.
16:54An aquarium deluxe.
16:56Complete with plants, rocks, pebbles, oxygenator.
17:00Oh, yes, very nice.
17:02Oh, if Jackie Onassis was a goldfish, she'd live in this.
17:06I don't normally sell these to people that walk in off the street, you know.
17:09Oh, really?
17:10Yeah.
17:12Have you got a slightly sort of cheaper version, sort of semi-detached?
17:16No, it is Moby we're speaking of, isn't it?
17:19Oh, yeah, that's all right, yeah.
17:21Yeah, we'll be getting some more money because of the puppies and that, yeah.
17:24All right, I'll take it.
17:25Oh, very wise.
17:26And now, what about companionship?
17:30What do you mean?
17:31Well, a little friend for our Moby.
17:34He doesn't need a friend, he's got me.
17:37But you can't get in there and swim about with him.
17:40What he needs is a little girlfriend.
17:42Oh, no, we've got enough of that sort of thing going on.
17:45No, no, no, if he's going to have a friend, it's got to be a fella.
17:48I mean, you don't get any hanky-panky between two fellas, do you?
17:56I must say, Moby's looking more cheerful since he's got Charlie to play with.
18:00Oh, it's made a difference to the entire house.
18:03Oh, and Mr. Richardson?
18:05Speaking.
18:06Oh, this is Mildred Roper.
18:08I don't know if you remember me.
18:10Oh, I do.
18:11You rang last week inquiring about prenatal exercises.
18:14Yes, well, it's about truffles.
18:17You see, it's nine weeks to the day since she...
18:20I mean, since they...
18:21Well, she's making a little nest for herself upstairs in the airing cupboard
18:25and I wondered whether you'd like to have a look in.
18:28What for?
18:29Well, it is her first litter and I think they're on their way.
18:33God!
18:34Couldn't you come and hold her paw or something?
18:38Are there any complications?
18:40Well, I don't think so.
18:42Apart from the fact that I can't get at my sheets.
18:45Well, if you're worried, I will be passing later this morning.
18:49You're 46, aren't you?
18:51What's that got to do with it?
18:55Peacock Crescent.
18:56Oh, yes.
18:58Yes, I am, yes.
19:00I'll be there about 11, all right?
19:02All right, well, that's marvellous.
19:04Thank you, Doctor...
19:05Vet.
19:08George.
19:09Oh, I do hope she can hang on.
19:17Anne, all my shirts appear to be shrinking.
19:20Look, another button's come off.
19:22It's you you're putting on weight.
19:24Liesen.
19:25It's all those toffees. Just measure your waist.
19:27I did it yesterday.
19:28The tape measure shrunk too.
19:31The man at our sweet shop's bought a new roll since you gave up smoking.
19:35Oh, don't be silly, Anne. Look, have you seen my big shovel?
19:37Why? Can't you get them in your mouth quick enough?
19:42Anne...
19:43Mr Roper's got it.
19:49All right, well, come in, come in.
19:53How is she?
19:54She's on the phone to her sister.
19:57She's upstairs, Doctor, in the linen cupboard.
20:00Right.
20:03Can I boil some water or anything?
20:04No, no, no, no, no. Just leave everything to me.
20:06Right.
20:07And don't worry, I haven't lost a puppy yet.
20:10Just sit yourself down and relax.
20:12All right.
20:21George, I don't think we...
20:22Don't get yourself into a state.
20:24Do as the man said, sit down and relax.
20:26Oh, right.
20:28Here, have a cigarette.
20:30Oh, dear.
20:31I mean, we...
20:32Well, we can't have them for her, can we?
20:38I mean, all we can do is wait, innit?
20:45What am I doing? I don't smoke.
20:49I mean, there's no point in worrying, is there?
20:52I mean, no, no, no, no, no, I know that you're a first knitter,
20:55but what you've got to do is try and take your mind off it.
20:58Right.
21:00You're looking very attractive today, Mildred.
21:04Oh, am I?
21:05Well, no, but I thought I'd help you take your mind off it.
21:13I spy with my little eye...
21:15Not now, George.
21:16George?
21:17What's that?
21:18Oh, it's the telephone.
21:19Oh, right.
21:20No, it's the doorbell.
21:21All right, well, I'll go.
21:23It'll give me something to do.
21:24Yeah, right.
21:25Oh, dear.
21:26What a palaver, eh?
21:27Oh, are you watching this, fellas?
21:30I haven't seen her so excited since elastic came off the ration.
21:34George, it's Mr Formile.
21:36Oh, hello, son.
21:38Oh, there you are.
21:39You've got a bit of a pot there, haven't you?
21:42I've merely come for the return of my shovel, and I...
21:45Oh, yeah, shovel.
21:47Yeah, that's a bit tricky, son.
21:50I left it in a bucket of cement overnight.
21:52Oh, yes, but...
21:54You what?
21:55He's not himself, Mr Formile.
21:56Well, neither of us are.
21:58Puffer's expecting trappies.
22:00What?
22:01Oh, I think congratulations are in order.
22:04Mother and puppies are doing well.
22:06I was hardly needed.
22:07Oh, George!
22:08Oh, God.
22:09How many?
22:10Four.
22:11Four?
22:12Oh, that's marvellous.
22:13Oh, here.
22:14Here, I've been saving these.
22:15Have a cigar.
22:17Have a cigar.
22:22What rope has done to my shovel?
22:26Oh, dear.
22:27Have a toffee-whirl.
22:28Take your mind off it.
22:29No, no, no.
22:30Giving up sweets.
22:31I'll believe that when I see it.
22:33I am.
22:34It's only a matter of willpower.
22:38Oh.
22:40Come on, Fran.
22:41They're here, Mildred.
22:42Oh, yeah.
22:43Hello, dears.
22:44Sorry we couldn't come sooner,
22:45but we're having the pool roof double-glazed.
22:49So, er, how many did she have, then?
22:52Four.
22:53Yeah, I'll go and get them.
22:54Four.
22:55There you are, you see.
22:56I told you Pomeroy would do his duty.
22:58Oh, yes, he did.
23:00But he was a bit late.
23:01How do you mean?
23:02That black-and-white mongrel.
23:15Right.
23:16Now, tell Mummy.
23:17Tell her what I found you doing.
23:20I was, um...
23:22I was in the garden shed.
23:24So?
23:25He was smoking a cigar.
23:28Oh, Geoffrey!
23:31Well...
23:33Just wanted to see what it was like.
23:35Right.
23:36No television for a week.
23:43Oh, George, look.
23:45Aren't they cute?
23:46Yeah, they're not worth 40 quid each.
23:49Yeah, I think that one's got a bit of the truffles in him, you know.
23:52We'll have a job giving them away.
23:54Still, it's one in the eye for your sister, eh?
23:56Pick of the litter, eh?
23:58George, I blame you.
24:00Did you let her loose in the park at all?
24:03Well, only when I went in with the gents,
24:04but I couldn't very well take her in with me, could I?
24:07That's typical. You know nothing.
24:09I mean, all this time, you thought Moby was a fella.
24:12What are you talking about?
24:14Have a look in your aquarium.
24:16Well, I don't see what that's got any difference to...
24:23Hi, Mildred.
24:25I'm a father.
24:52I'm a father.