In his latest comedy special, Carlos Mencia takes to the stage to showcase his trademark energy, sharp wit and impeccable timing; from social commentary to personal anecdotes. Mencia's material is smart, edgy and on point. Nothing is off limits as he raises questions about society, and addresses controversies of the past and how they've affected his life today.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup
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00:00What's up, y'all? What's up, man?
00:13Oh, you feel my heart.
00:18Well, let's piss some people off. Fuck it.
00:23No, I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
00:25I don't want to piss anybody off. I don't.
00:27I don't. We just live in a different world.
00:29People used to want to laugh.
00:32Now people want to go online.
00:34They go, let me tell you what the fuck is that?
00:38It's just the way it is.
00:40I don't mean to be. Like, in real life,
00:42I don't hang out with people anymore
00:44because everybody's too fucking sensitive.
00:46I only hang out with two groups of people in real life.
00:48Illegal immigrants and rednecks.
00:51That's it.
00:53Because they're the only people that I've never offended.
00:57Seriously, every other group, I have them for a little bit
01:01and then I went too fucking far.
01:02You know what I'm saying?
01:04Like, with the Asians, they're like, oh, that's so funny.
01:06And then when I do a Monterey Park, oh, too far, too far.
01:09Like, you know, the black people are like,
01:12hell yeah, motherfucker, tell that shit.
01:14But then I go too far, oh, hell no, motherfucker.
01:18Because everybody's the same shit.
01:20Except for mojados and rednecks.
01:23They take it.
01:24And you know why?
01:25Because they accept the truth.
01:26They don't fight it.
01:27Everybody else just don't fight it.
01:28You know what I mean?
01:29If I did a joke about black people can't swim,
01:31some black people will be like, I can't swim.
01:33And then other black people will be like, that's fucked up.
01:35Can you swim?
01:36Nah.
01:37But that's fucked up.
01:38Like...
01:43Everybody, everybody gets fucked up.
01:45Except, except every, like...
01:46When you accept the truth, you can be happy.
01:49That's why rednecks are happy.
01:51Shit, listen.
01:52They wrote a book called,
01:54You Might Be A Redneck If.
01:57You know who bought it?
01:58Fucking rednecks.
02:01They read the shit, it makes fun of them,
02:03and then they go, ha ha, that's funny.
02:05They don't give a shit.
02:08They don't fucking care.
02:09I have never offended a redneck.
02:11Never.
02:12And look at me.
02:13I've tried.
02:17I tried.
02:18I swear to God.
02:19And I want to offend rednecks.
02:20Not because...
02:21Not because I don't like rednecks.
02:23It's because I feel like I don't have the power
02:26to hurt their feelings,
02:27and it fucking bothers me.
02:30Do you know what I'm saying?
02:31Like, they're just authentic.
02:32Like, the first time I met a redneck,
02:34I'll never forget it.
02:35It was 1992.
02:37Birmingham, Alabama.
02:39Ooh.
02:40Yeah, it was odd.
02:41No, no, no.
02:42Don't go ooh.
02:43That was awesome.
02:44It was the best.
02:45Because they were real.
02:46They didn't fight it.
02:47Rednecks are so fucking authentic to the truth,
02:50they reenact a war they fucking lost.
02:54And in the reenactment, they still fucking lose.
03:01Yeah, I was under the impression that civil war reenactments
03:06with the South going,
03:07not this time, you Yankee motherfucker.
03:09That's what I thought.
03:13But then, my buddy, right?
03:15He goes, you ever seen one?
03:16I was like, no.
03:17Come on down.
03:18So I went to go see a reenactment,
03:21and it was fucking weird.
03:22It was in Arlington, Virginia.
03:23I'm watching it, and in the middle of shit,
03:26my friend just goes,
03:27well, this is where they fucked us up,
03:29so lie down like an asshole and just...
03:32That's some bullshit.
03:33They're taking my black man.
03:34That's bullshit right there.
03:36Look at him run.
03:38God damn, he can run fast.
03:40Holy shit.
03:44They don't fucking care.
03:46First time I met one, I got off the plane.
03:49I was performing in a place called Hoover, Alabama.
03:53Hoover, Alabama, back in the day when I first started going there,
03:56had zero Latinos, okay?
03:58I would perform, and no Latinos would come out,
04:00because they weren't even there.
04:01Now, so many Mexicanos, not Mexicans,
04:05Mexicanos live in Hoover, Alabama.
04:08I swear to God, these fucking rednecks renamed it
04:11Guadalupe Hoover.
04:12I can't even make that shit up.
04:15God damn Guadalupe Hoover.
04:16And you can't get mad.
04:17That's fucking even the...
04:18They're like, no, I like it.
04:20I like it.
04:21Guadalupe Hoover, Guadalupe Hoover.
04:24They don't give a shit.
04:29They don't try to hide who they are, right?
04:32They don't try to pretend who they are.
04:34I got plans for us, man.
04:36You were a funny son, bitch.
04:37I saw you perform, and I told Bruce, the owner of the club,
04:40to bring you here.
04:41And now you're here, and I'm here.
04:43And we can do some shit together.
04:45I got plans.
04:46You ever been to the South?
04:47I'm like, bitch, I'm from the South.
04:49See, the smart people got the joke.
04:54The smart people got the joke.
04:55The smart people got the joke.
04:57The pendejos are like, really?
04:59From Louisiana or something.
05:02But see, even the mojadas are going in Spanish.
05:04No, South.
05:05South.
05:06South.
05:07South.
05:08South.
05:09South.
05:10South.
05:11Mas para allá.
05:12Mas para allá.
05:13He goes, I got plans, man.
05:17I was like, what are we doing?
05:18He's like, you want to go muddin'?
05:19I was like, what the fuck is muddin'?
05:20He goes, muddin', bitch?
05:21I ain't ever been muddin'?
05:22I was like, I've never even fucking heard of that shit.
05:23What's muddin'?
05:24He goes, muddin' is fucking amazing.
05:25Muddin' is when you go in a pickup truck, get a fuckload of beer,
05:27go out to the middle of nowhere where nowhere can hear you,
05:29do whatever the fuck you want.
05:30That's muddin'.
05:31You want to go muddin'?
05:32You don't want to go muddin'?
05:33I was like, that shit.
05:34What's muddin'?
05:35He goes, muddin' is fucking amazing.
05:37Muddin' is when you go in a pickup truck, get a fuckload of beer,
05:39go out to the middle of nowhere where nowhere can hear you,
05:41do whatever the fuck you want.
05:43That's muddin'.
05:44You want to go muddin'?
05:45Sounds like you're gonna fuck me, so no.
05:46I'm gonna say no to that one.
05:47It feels rapey.
05:48It feels very rapey.
05:50I've been so many people who have sex in your life.
05:53And they say, The Ramp.
05:54like you're gonna fuck me so no i'm gonna say no to that one it feels rapey it feels very rapey
06:03i feel like he didn't even hide the fact that he was gonna rape me i feel
06:08you know what i mean like what did he say i'm gonna get you really drunk take you out in the
06:11middle of nowhere in my pickup truck where no one can hear you squeal like a pig
06:19you're gonna fuck me in the ass come in my ass pull your dick out there's gonna be
06:22shit on it and then you're gonna go mudding that's what it sounds like
06:38but i've never been able to offend them because the first time i went there i told the retina joke
06:42and they laughed and then in my head i was like i gotta do something to hurt their feelings and
06:49every year even during covid every year i go perform at that club and every year i write worse
06:56and worse and worse and meaner at this point they're not just jokes this is hurtful
07:00because before i die i want to hear this just once just once i want to hear this
07:07this time you went to goddamn far you beaner i want to hear that
07:12shit just once but it's never gonna happen it's never gonna happen because every time i do a
07:20redneck joke in front of a redneck this is exactly how they react well shit that's true
07:30i mean i ain't never done that shit myself
07:32but my cousin it's always a fucking cousin
07:40i've never in i've never offended a fucking mojado never offended never i've only i've only
07:47offended their bosses that bring them to my show all right some of you didn't get it okay so here's
07:53what i mean so i was in appleton wisconsin and my buddy jose goes hey let's go to the olive garden
08:00i was like let's go so we went to the olive garden in appleton wisconsin okay they put me in a corner
08:06and there was nobody around me and it felt really weird and after i ate the guy comes up he goes hey
08:12i'm a huge fan i was like ah that's what happened you put me over here because you didn't want yeah
08:19that's exactly what i did i didn't want people to bother you you know what i mean i was like i get it
08:24but don't ever fucking do that again what you did was fucking mean no i was protecting you
08:30maybe but we're in appleton wisconsin those people out there i'm the best celebrity they're ever
08:35gonna fucking meet
08:40that's real shit and you took it away because you think that i don't want to take a fucking picture
08:45with somebody because 30 seconds of my time isn't worth making these people happy that's
08:49bullshit the reason i'm good at what i do is because i care about people don't ever fucking do that again
08:55ever and he got all excited oh my god i'm so excited now i go why are you getting so excited
09:00my kitchen staff they love you they love you they think you're amazing would you mind going taking
09:05pictures with them and i was like fuck yeah i would love to meet the italians that made this wonderful
09:11meal for me do i need to finish that fucking story
09:23for the three of you not laughing it wasn't luigi making my shit it was luis
09:34and it was a weird moment when i was walking toward the kitchen
09:37because the italian music in the background faded away and then the kitchen music got louder and
09:44shit so there was this weird moment of when the morning
09:55so those are the bosses that bring them to my show right but at the end of the show every once in a
10:01while i'll get this i waited till the end of the show as to not
10:07offend you in front of your fans but now that i'm here you need to apologize to this man
10:13you kept referring to him as an illegal this is a human being this is what's wrong with the world
10:19words fucking hurt and this is a human being and human beings by virtue of being people cannot
10:24fucking be illegal but thank god they're always there to go no jefe i'm very illegal
10:36i know you don't know this but the papers that i gave you that's not me
10:41my name is not jacob johansson that's not my name
10:56oh my god you're illegal jefe remember when you asked the waitress for ice and i fucking left
11:01i didn't know where you were going with that jefe i didn't know you said i want ice i said i gotta
11:10get the fuck out of here
11:18they don't care they accept who they are oh my god but he called you a wetback he said
11:26wetback too i know that was very nice of him how is that nice because i swam so i was wet everywhere
11:35he just said the back that's very nice he could have said mojado del todo but he didn't say that
11:45they accept who they are they're happy as that's why i love hanging out with them never offended them
11:51they teach me right like when i go hang out with my illegal immigrant friends i begin to love life
11:57again because they don't complain about shit like we do they don't bitch about the world like we do
12:03america's broken america's fucked up america new neighboring country america they live in the
12:10shittiest parts of this fucking america and yet they believe in america like we don't if you don't
12:16believe me go talk to somebody that lives here in brea and they'll tell you how the texas are killing
12:21us and you don't understand and these democrats are wrong and everything
12:28when you go to santa anna they believe in this mother-fucking country
12:34in santa anna they tell their kids mijo if you work hard and apply yourself
12:38in this country mijo one day you can live in laguna niguel yes you can cabron yes you can
12:45maybe anaheim hills or some shit like that and see look who laughed all the fucking immigrants
12:53did you notice that shit all the immigrants laughed all the americans are lying no it's more
12:59complicated happiness is a choice like here's a statistic by the way for the people out there
13:10watching it listen if you live in a city or town where there is a billboard that says abo gado
13:17that means lawyer in spanish call them and ask them if what i'm about to tell you isn't an actual
13:23statistic so based on a geographical area the amount of people that live in there on a per capita basis
13:29do you know who gets pulled over by the cops more than african-american males in this country
13:34illegal immigrant men but you never hear about that shit you never see it you never see videos of it
13:40none of that shit you want to tell you why because when they get pulled over there's never an
13:45incident when they get caught they know they're caught they know they're fucked all they do is go
13:50like this and go and all the that are not from mexico are practicing
13:59their mexican spanish so they get deported closer
14:04so like i have to i have to sound like a mexican i have to sound like a mexican
14:09yes yes okay like
14:13because they don't want to be like oh you're not mexican
14:18go back to the dominican republic they're changing their music from bachata to vicente fernandez
14:25change it change it but once they get pulled over and caught they don't fight it they don't ask
14:35questions like we do like can you explain to me i know my rights why did you pull me over
14:43they don't say even when the cops are mad hey do you know why the i pulled you
14:48over they look right at him and go yes yes i do jefe i'm not gonna lie to you jefe i know exactly what
14:56i did but i did like four things which one do you see which one do you say
15:06no i did like four i'll tell you no yo te digo por dios i'm not gonna lie to you
15:10jefe turn on the camera turn on my camera so it sees me so it sees me primero mira i saw the
15:17sign jefe i saw the fucking sign it said no u-turn i saw the sign but i didn't see you so
15:24fuck it then i ran the red light did you see that shit i told her it was yellow pero estaba roja
15:38like a motherfucker it was red then i got on the 22 freeway how fast was i going
15:45you're going like 85 no 94 but you didn't see that shit
15:49i saw you cabron you didn't see me put the brake i didn't put the brake i didn't put the brake
15:55i saw you and then i let it go let it go
16:04but can i have your insurance yeah the general he said no
16:08that fucking chuck wheeler he's a liar he said no even that puta adriana that bitch said no true
16:26padriana said no fred lawyer said no that fucking bitch with the dog that puta said no even the dog was
16:33like well can i see your driver's license there you go jesus god what the
16:47your name is jacob johansson
16:52yes jefe that's my name remember a few years ago when the president trump said that he wanted more
16:58people from norway to come here well here i am jefe
17:07johansson i am a scandinavio can you tell by the accent i am a vikingo yes
17:16they're happy they choose to be happy we choose to be sad think about this every time
17:31americans get two jobs we complain about it can you believe that i have to get a secondary job
17:37in order to subsidize my standards
17:43do you know how embarrassed i'm gonna be when i have a friend get in the uber and i'm driving it
17:49and i have to explain why i got an uber illegal immigrants fucking different hey raul i got another
17:56job
18:05ask an american to stay overtime
18:14today
18:18what about your raul what about you
18:27illegal aliens are always looking for work i love that love that about them that's why every 18
18:35months i throw a party at my house i invite everybody but i only expect
18:40my illegal alien family to show up because they're the important ones on these parties
18:44i tell them go through my whole house if there's a locked door come get me i'll open it up and then
18:49they go through my whole fucking house the beauty of this is at the end of the night i have a list
18:55of all the shit i have to fix in my house
19:00because every one of those mojados i help them cross the border in some way shape or form
19:05so they feel like they owe me and they look around and go mira tienes que arreglar esto and face that
19:09other shit it's beautiful my regular family they don't do that they come in and try to impress me
19:15they walk in my house and go i was reading about this the other day los did you know that foyer is
19:20actually a french word it's supposed to be pronounced foyer and it is to indicate that you're entering a
19:26home that is so vacuous in space with a perch to look down upon those who come to see you that is
19:31why there's a staircase that leads to that little perch where you can look down on everybody else and let
19:35them know you are the master of this house this is fantastic the whole tuscan feel god this tile is
19:43amazing here's my mojado family
19:46chingue su puta madre con esta
19:50fuck you tell jokes jokes
19:54cheese this pay for this shit
19:59mira papi look carlo carlo carlo you have cracks on your tile you have cracks on your tile
20:03no cabrón we're gonna fix that shit on saturday after my two other jobs we're gonna come and fix this
20:08shit for you no you don't have to pay us cabrón just get us a 24 pack of modelo negro especial and
20:14we're gonna fix that shit for you papa mira carlo carlo i'm gonna put dick in the crack to fix the cracks okay
20:24you're gonna do what okay i'm gonna put dick in the crack you know to fix the cracks
20:32you're gonna put dick in the crack to fix the cracks thank god my father's a genius he walked out
20:39anyone he means cock
20:48all right some of you didn't get that joke some of you didn't get that joke i could tell some of you
20:53were like haha some of you were like i don't i don't know if you didn't get that joke it's okay it's okay
20:59because one day in the near future you're gonna be at home depot you're gonna walk by the cock section
21:07and go haha remember the cock for the cracks
21:15the problem is is that america is a country right now where we want to see the divisions instead of
21:20the things that bring us together right like comedy people have turned it into
21:24well you're doing comedy what kind of jokes are you doing does it matter you see when you guys all
21:30laugh at one joke you're all feeling and thinking the same exact thing at the exact same moment that
21:36is what i call unity not separation but that's why people don't get it illegal immigrants and rednecks
21:43are the same person they just don't know it because there's a language barrier
21:48see some of you are skeptical that's my point see a redneck needs to just break the ice walk up to
21:56a mahalo and go hey come here man that's all this fucker named carlos monsia and he told me that you
22:01and me are the same goddamn person and i don't believe that bullshit but he said all kind of other
22:06shit that made sense so i'm gonna put it to the test with you right here mano a mano i'm gonna tell you
22:12about me you're gonna respond in kind and we're gonna figure this shit out together okay let's see if we're
22:17the same some bullshit first of all i speak english with an accent oh me too
22:31i was born in the south of me
22:39i drive a pickup truck get the fuck out of here
22:48look at my pointy boots look at my pointy boots
22:52one time i fucked my cousin yeah i fucked my cousin it was like everybody knew nobody told us
23:01they were laughing shit happens and the baby came out a little but that happens it's okay
23:08in spanish they say a la prima se le arrima so it's okay it happens it happens
23:12well here's one you ain't gonna understand every once in a while where i come from i put a confederate
23:24flag on the side of my truck and i drive around to remind everybody that i don't give a fuck what it is
23:29is today this shit used to be the confederate south but that's one you wouldn't understand would you
23:34pedro you are so mistaken i know exactly how you feel you see where i live in america every once in a
23:42while i put a mexican flag on the side of my truck and i drive around
23:47you know to remind everybody that i don't give a fuck what it is today
23:50this used to be mexico
24:00so i guess we are both losers
24:02she beat the shit out of you too high up
24:13but see how some of us are laughing there are people that aren't laughing right now
24:18i can't believe in talking among that and this is the shit we're putting into our kids
24:24because words have power now they don't words can empower they don't have power and if any woman in
24:31here thinks that words have power i bet you if i asked you to lick my butthole you'd be like no
24:37well i guess i'm powerless bitch what the fuck happened
24:43because back in my day if you're old enough you remember we used to say what sticks and stones can
24:48break my bones but words never hurt me today it's the opposite sticks and stones can cause bruises that
24:56heal but words will devastate the inner child but that may for happen
25:04fucking pussies jesus christ no don't cheer because it's not their fault
25:11see everybody likes to say this is the shittiest generation of kids well if it is do the math
25:16we are the shittiest generation of parents you see how three of you all the mahalas went yeah
25:26all the middle class were like you know
25:34this bb we we teach our first of all here's the problem we don't have enough kids so we protect them
25:41too much you see back in the days when people had like four or five kids per family they were good
25:47parents because you loved your kids but not too much you paid attention but not too much you helped
25:52them with homework but not too much you didn't hover over them because you had other to worry about
25:59right today it's like helicopter parents because they have one kid are you okay are you fine what's
26:06going on what's going on here what's do you need help with your homework you know mama's really good at
26:12drinking hungry so we don't have enough kids now we have what we used to have four kids per family
26:22unit on average today we have 1.8 per couple get rid of immigrants drops to 1.4 which means a
26:30shitload of americans only have one kid and people that only have one kid and there's some of you
26:36in here you're beautiful people your shitty parents that's just a fact
26:43your shitty parents because you paid too much attention to these assholes that's what
26:48they think they're the center of the universe because your whole life that was you around
26:52them your whole life what are you doing i love you so much how can i take care of you you're the best
26:56i love you so much
27:01because they put they first of all you put too much pressure on these kids
27:04that's why they're suffering from anxiety and shit like my parents never went to go see me play
27:10soccer they never saw one soccer game i was a champion i took fifth in the state of california
27:18in the 300 intermediate hurdles my parents never saw me run they didn't give a
27:22shit i was like pop you never saw me run no did you do it for you or for me
27:32well i did it for me then there you go
27:36i'm thinking you were there were you there
27:42dude today go to a baseball game these poor fucking kids
27:46they're eight years old the stands are filled with parents half the teams are telling the pitcher
27:52you can do it you can strike them out the other half are going you can hit the ball and the eight
27:57year old's going i don't want to play i don't want to make it play and you could tell for those of you
28:03that think i'm lying go see eight year olds play when they strike out
28:07fucking tear gas tear gas that's what strike three
28:19and why are they out there because your dad went to uc riverside and almost made it in
28:24fucking baseball so now this poor fucking nerdy trecho kid is trying to do some shit
28:35and there are laws of unintended consequences that you need to be careful about
28:39all right like here's the thing helicopter parenting i just did a joke about it but
28:44the term helicopter parenting is new helicopter parenting itself has always been a part even
28:51people that have a lot of kids helicopter parent their first kid that's why for you people that
28:56only have one kid and you think you're good parents ask somebody that has four kids when did you get
29:02good at being a parent and they'll tell you i suck on the first okay on the second by the third one
29:09i started nailing that shit but all you people with one kid you're stuck on one so you're the whole
29:16fucking time is a problem listen i'm one of 18 kids okay yeah my parents had 18 kids i have 11
29:24sisters and six brothers that's not a joke that's real shit my mom had 18 kids my mother never had
29:30periods she just had people
29:37one time she went like that i'm like oh a tampon she's like no joaquin i'm like oh
29:41it's a person it's a person
29:49so i come from a different place but i asked my older brother i love you riberto thank you man he
29:54passed away uh from complications of covet but my brother older brother i asked him i go him was mom
30:00this fucking crazy when you were a kid and he was like no she was very nice she followed me around
30:08and one time i i was trying to jump and she didn't let me jump she just i got up she took me down i
30:15got out she put me down i was like fuck that's the way she used to be because i love my mom but that
30:20bitch used to give me preventative ass whoopings i used to get hit before i did shit
30:29yeah my mom wouldn't even wait for me to fuck up we would go to a place back in the day
30:34near whittier and atlantic called two guys this is real shit and right before we would walk in my
30:40mom goes like this we're gonna go inside this store you're not gonna say shit you're not gonna talk
30:46shit you're not gonna ask for shit and you're not gonna embarrass me cabron porque if you
30:51fucking embarrass me did you just hit me for some shit i might do
31:05and she was like well then don't do it i didn't do it already
31:13some lady says to me well it was easy to raise children when you were growing up i was like really
31:18why you know it was legal to beat your children back in those days i'm like
31:22bitch do i look like i'm 100 the fuck you talking about it was never legal to beat your children when
31:27i was growing up i know this for a fact i will never forget march 19 1978 in east los angeles hamill
31:33street school miss tanaka's class in the fourth grade i was 10 years old why do i remember this day
31:39because i grew up in islos back when i was there 98 latino 69 immigrant and those immigrants
31:46beat the fuck out of their kids and when i say beat the fuck i don't mean funny beat the fuck
31:51i mean we had bruises on our back so we couldn't go to school for three or four days and the ship
31:55became an epidemic so they sent a sheriff to our school to explain this to us you're in america now
32:01kids and it is illegal to beat children in this country if your parents ever hit you it is a felony
32:08known as assault and battery punishable by up to 15 years of incarceration in the state of california
32:13there is a card in front of all of your desks you remember that number and you call that number
32:18if your parents ever hit you again and i will personally go to your house and arrest both of
32:22your parents one for hitting you and the other one for neglect you have rights now and then because
32:29we were in east l.a they had to say this too y para los que no tener papeles
32:37si tener derechos
32:43larry h parker like what
32:47and i went home that day cocky like a motherfucker
32:52i got home and my mom goes so mijo what did you learn in school today i'm like i learned that
32:59you're a fucking felon bitch that's what i fucking learned i learned that you're a hypocrite ma that
33:05you're a shit talker ma talking all that massa telling us not to break the law not to steal not
33:11to do drugs not to sell drugs while you've been committing a felony known as assault and battery every
33:17time you get that iron cord dip it in hot water and beat the fuck out of your kids while that
33:23shit is over ma you ever fucking touch me again i'm calling the cops and they're gonna come and arrest
33:28you mom you for hitting me and dad for being a fucking pussy and i'm stopping you from hitting me
33:35and then i get to go live with these white people called the fosters
33:38hey fuck you i was 10 dickheads okay i thought i was gonna go live with the family that made ice
33:48cream from foster priest
33:58and my dad goes run god love run
34:01oh my brothers and sisters are crying she's gonna kill you
34:09she's gonna fucking kill you my brother joseph is holding a shovel
34:14i'm like what the fuck are you doing she gonna make me bury yucaly this happened before this happened
34:21before i swear to god on that day i found out that i have a brother named omar that never made it to
34:27adulthood now i'm scared i'm freaked the fuck out what is about to happen in this house what kind of
34:34an ass whooping am i gonna take and then shockingly my mother goes like this i know i was you ask your
34:41father we talked about this the other day that you're the one you had to prove it but now i know
34:47i'm your mother mijo and you're my fucking son the one you understand me and i don't know what you
34:53saying so i looked at my dad like hey even my father was like i have never seen this movie before
35:00i don't know even the jesus was like
35:06i go i don't understand mom what do you mean i'm the one
35:09and she goes you're the one that's going to be rich in this family you're the one that's going to
35:13make money in this family and you're the one that's going to buy your mother and father a house
35:16when you get older so really how do you know that because you use your brains and people that use
35:23their brains to work in this country make a lot of fucking money people that use their hands like
35:28your brothers and sisters minimum wage
35:34you don't believe me about your brothers and sisters minimum wage using their hands look at your
35:38brother joseph ready to dig a fucking hole like an asshole look at him
35:46you don't understand you you know what you don't believe me you don't believe me so here's the
35:52thing and by the way my mother on that day knew that i was gonna buy her house i had no idea i
35:58thought she was crazy but if you want to see the house that my mom and dad have because of me the
36:04one that i bought them uh you can remember this address 4174 like freddy krueger elmview drive
36:12encino california all right or you can just type in where does kevin garnett live in encino
36:18and then look at the house opposite from his that's white with a pool that looks like an eight
36:23that's where my mom and dad live she knew on that day that i was gonna buy her a house
36:29i didn't believe that shit i was like whatever i'm gonna buy you a house
36:33bitch i'm gonna hit you in front of two guys when you get older that's what i'm gonna do
36:37and my mom saw that i was skeptical so she goes mijo to prove it to you you've been asking for shoes
36:43forever let's go get your goddamn shoes that is real which means which one do you want what she
36:50meant was you want shoes right now let's go down floral across atlantic right on the left is a place
36:54called pay less shoe stores we'll get you some pro wings and shut the fuck up but if we wanted good
37:01shoes which i did i wanted the la gears with the lights and the little twisty leather on the
37:07fucking sides we didn't buy those here we had to drive to el centro de tijuana mexico calle revolucion
37:15at a place called los tres hermanos zapateria across the street from a famous whorehouse called
37:20adelitas that's where we fucking went so i go mom if i'm gonna buy you a house the least you could do
37:26is get me some badass shoes so she got me badass shoes but here's what happened she goes pos vamonos
37:32and we got it my mother's blue comet which i remember because it was a stick shift so my mom's
37:36all chingo now we never drove into mexico by the way like we only drove to mexico we parked on this
37:44side of the border in san ysidro and we walked over this bridge now for those of you that have been
37:48there recently there's nothing like it this is 1978 it was just the bridge there were no guards no
37:54fucking anything it's just a bridge with a red line painted across that's all it was a red line
38:02that was the border i didn't even realize how relevant a goddamn strip of paint would be
38:07until we crossed that and my mom goes do you know where we are now
38:29nobody give a fuck about you in mexico
38:31and then she just picked me up like nothing happened and went okay mama let's go get your
38:39shoes and i'm trying to run to the american side of shit
38:45my mom catches me and she goes yeah yeah i go you're gonna hit me again she's like no mijo i'm
38:51like why'd you why'd you fucking hit me mom oh because i want you to know that i know you're smart
38:55but i want you to know that i know now and i know that you know that i'm fucking smart i tricked you
39:01cabron you didn't even know that this shit was gonna happen like a fish i threw the worm in me
39:07you know oh got you so now that you know that i'm smart and you're smart you know that you didn't get
39:12it from your stupid fucking father that's what i wanted you to know
39:15yeah and what i just did right now is what we're taking away from our children when you say that
39:27everything is sad that nothing is funny anymore that comedy is out of bounds you laughed the hardest
39:34at the joke where my mother took me to another country just to beat the out of me
39:41and good for you this is what we're supposed to do this is you're supposed to laugh at a certain
39:48point it's like when your friends fall in front of you it's not funny at that moment
39:54but a few weeks later a couple of tequilas and you're all fucking laughing
40:01this is how it's supposed to go because like i want you to understand what you're what you who
40:06you've just watched you have watched literally the first person the internet ever tried to cancel
40:12you can go online and check it you can see the algorithms you can see the choices since 2006 the
40:17internet has been telling you not to fucking see me perform comedians people talking mad
40:22shit about carlos mancia some of you will find out when you post on your social media that you saw
40:27this show and they're gonna say some stupid shit like whose jokes did he tell you know he's not mexican
40:32you know his name that anything to diminish whatever accomplishments i have because that's
40:36what we do in this country we don't want to elevate ourselves anymore it's better to bring other people
40:42down right let's not say my team is the shit let's say that team sucks that team ain't shit
40:52fuck that quarterback fuck that guy fuck these people instead of uplifting yourself like right now people
40:59are pissed off in the world because brazil when they score they all get together and dance
41:05why are they dancing well if you don't want them to dance stop from some scoring
41:09bitch they got 11 you got 11 put your foot out bitch put your foot out
41:19but we put other people down to make us feel better about ourselves i don't do that
41:23shit you could go online you'll find a lot of hate toward me you know what you won't find
41:28me speaking ill of those who speak ill of me you have never seen that shit and you never
41:32fucking will that's not what i do that's not how i roll i uplift myself and you can come along
41:41or not come along because life is life and it is amazing and beautiful but we're not ready for the
41:50happiness anymore because we're americans and we're spoiled shit we're in southern california we need
41:57fucking rain but when it rains here for one day we're like fuck yeah thank god by the second day
42:04we're like when the fuck is he gonna stop you can't make us happy anymore this is the average american
42:12one day you wake up and you get in your car and you go to work and on the way to work you hit a
42:16pothole and your car makes such a loud sound that you go holy shit did i pop a tire and you pull over to
42:21make sure your car's okay and it is okay but now you're fucking mad especially if you're in california
42:26i gotta pay fucking taxes and then i gotta pay more taxes and then i gotta pay more city taxes and
42:31you gotta fucking take shit out of my check but you can't fix a goddamn fucking pothole this is
42:35goddamn bullshit and this is why people in other states are talking shit about us taking all this
42:39goddamn money fix a fucking pothole you call every day fix my fucking bottle fix my fucking pothole
42:44and then one day you wake up and they're fixing it and what's our reaction construction
42:54today
42:59because we don't know how to fucking no bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad
43:05everybody in this room will fail everybody in this room will falter everybody in this room will fall
43:12on your fucking ass one day who makes you who you are what makes you who you are is this how do you act
43:19after that how do you get up what do you do do you get up on your own do you ask for help do you pull
43:27somebody down while you're trying to get up who the fuck are you you see me this is who i am you've
43:32seen me do this see me talk about the crucifix so if you don't know i'm a catholic i'm a proud catholic
43:38i have no problem with that shit i love it that being said i am also one of those kids you heard
43:44about i was sexually abused by a priest when i was a kid i would not joke about that shit that is real
43:49but it's okay and i don't want anybody in here to feel bad for me because i'm not like you see the
43:54majority of americans would you know you've heard them you've seen them i haven't had a decent
43:59relationship in 40 years because i was abused by a priest and i just don't know how to overcome it
44:05that's never going to be me because i'm different and i had a guy confront me about that
44:09shit he was like i was abused by a priest and you go up there and tell people blase if it's nothing
44:15to look on the bright side of silver linings can you explain to me what's the bright side of being
44:20sexually abused by a priest and i looked at him and i said hey this is just me i'm not telling you to be
44:26like me i'm telling you that this is me this is how i see shit i blew a priest i'm going to heaven
44:35i paid my dues i paid my fucking dues some of you people aren't laughing what have you done for
44:41jesus lately yeah bitches i swallowed i'm in the vip section
44:54i like how some of you women are going oh you sucked a dick for tickets to my show i sucked a dick i got
44:59into heaven i think i'm winning bitch you made a fucking mistake oh you think i'm lying oh hey
45:08let me have that beer no no no open it no no no no the empty one just the empty one
45:15hold on hey i'm not proud that i've sucked a dick before but i would never lie to you
45:22that shit was so good i saw your man look at you like bitch why can't you do it like that
45:41but see you expect me to be a victim and i'm not because that's what we do in this country it's not my
45:46fault it's the red state or the blue state or the immigrants everybody's to blame for your
45:53bullshit everybody's complaining oh my god trump is gonna run it down what if he does who gives a
45:59shit what if he wins then he got the votes but i don't want him to win then i don't know what the
46:03fuck to say i don't understand can you explain trump to us yes trump is easy to explain we had a black
46:10president for eight years we thought we were ready we obviously were not
46:15shit got a little weird and orange is the new black
46:31but instead of challenging people to get better
46:33we go to the easy thing right lower the standard just lower the standard so that everybody can have
46:42their easy fucking moment i do it everybody does it in comedy if you've ever seen a special before
46:48they all end with a big joke it's called the closer you know why we do that i'll tell you we tell
46:53a big joke at the end like a perfect set is after you stopped laughing when i hit myself and the
47:00microphone fell that's a moment where i go i hope you had a good time good night and walk off stage
47:07see i created a wave of energy you laughed and applauded and then missed the energy i say good
47:13night do you know why we do that because we don't trust you
47:20seriously we want you to cheer and laugh but you might not and god forbid that my insecurities
47:27fucking actually take over so that's what happens thank you good night because we don't believe you
47:34well i'm gonna change the script i want the world to start seeing
47:37shit differently and here this is hold on this this is your moment not mine i was up here for 81 minutes
47:46now those of you watching you're like wait a minute we only saw an hour you should have come see the real
47:51show bitch it's not my fault there's like five empty seats you could have showed up fuck you but see
48:02this is your moment no prodding no bullshit no jokes just silence and now you get to decide what you
48:13thought of the show good night
48:28thank you everybody thank you thank you thank you
48:43good night