LOL Network's Stand-Up series presents some of the hottest and up-and-coming comics in the industry. Welcome to the stage, Robert Powell.
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00:00This dude in the Louisiana Comedian of the Year for 30 years straight
00:06Hosting the hip show, comic ads on the fire
00:08Make some noise for Robert Powell
00:20Okay, alright, alright, okay, okay, alright
00:22Let's get this shit over with
00:24How y'all doing Atlanta? Make some noise for me
00:26Make some noise for me
00:28Good, good, good, y'all look good
00:31I'm glad y'all clapped when I first came out here
00:33Cause most of y'all bound to hate some of the shit I'm getting ready to say
00:36I'm gonna be honest with y'all
00:38Well, you'll be alright
00:40I hope that y'all don't take none of these jokes personally
00:42I know Atlanta could be real, real sensitive to some jokes
00:45Cause I had a fight last time I was in Atlanta telling jokes
00:48Got jumped by some Africans and shit
00:50About a joke I told about Africa
00:53And my manager told me, you should really apologize to them about that
00:56I said I wish the fuck I would apologize
00:58To some Africans that ain't in Africa no more
01:01Shit
01:03I just got back from a comedy tour in Africa
01:06I went to Nigeria for 12 days
01:08Which is out of control
01:10I got back from Nigeria
01:12And I swore to God I wasn't going no more
01:14They banned me from Nigeria
01:15They asked me nicely not to come back
01:17I said certainly
01:19I was over there for 12 days
01:21And it was the worst experience of my life
01:23All I said was if you hadn't been to Nigeria yet
01:25Don't go
01:26Skip that trip
01:27They ain't ready for us yet
01:29First problem
01:31They landed the plane on dirt
01:32I thought you needed a runway or some pavement or something like that
01:35No, not the Nigerians
01:37They put that bitch down in some clay
01:40That wasn't even a problem
01:41We went to the little resort
01:42Where they had us staying in and shit
01:44I go to the lobby
01:45Ordered a sandwich and some water
01:46I asked the lady for a sandwich and some water
01:48That woman bought me some shit this color right here
01:50I said no ma'am I didn't order no sweet tea
01:52I asked
01:53I asked for some water
01:55She said oh that is water
01:57I said well then I don't want this or shit else y'all got back there
01:59I will swallow my spit till I get home
02:04I weighed 200 pounds when I went to Africa
02:10Came back like this
02:14Best diet you can go on
02:17And I offended them
02:19They have this traditional meal
02:20And Africans are very prideful people
02:22And that's good
02:23They got this traditional meal
02:24Where they put everything
02:25It's just one big pot of stew meat
02:27Or wildebeest
02:28Or whatever the fuck
02:29And this big pot
02:30In the middle of the table
02:31You know what I'm talking about
02:32Then everybody get this
02:33Big wet piece of dough bread
02:35Which looks like uncooked biscuits
02:37And you tear that off
02:38And dip it in
02:39Everybody's dipping it
02:40Into the food
02:41And eating it
02:42And they dipping it in the food
02:43And they looking at me
02:44And wondering why I ain't eating
02:45I'm like y'all go ahead man
02:46I'm not finna do that
02:48Nah I had some spit earlier
02:49Y'all go ahead enjoy
02:50I don't know what none of they knuckles been
02:53Just dipping it in there
02:54And eating what they
02:55Man I'm not finna eat that shit
02:56I'm not finna eat that shit
02:58I'm not finna eat shit
02:59That killed Mufasa
03:00Y'all eat up man
03:01Go ahead
03:02Y'all do a lot of crazy shit here
03:04First of all
03:05Every time I come here
03:06Hey nothing
03:07Every time I come here
03:08I see some crazy shit
03:10Last time I was here
03:11I got lost
03:12And stopped at a gas station
03:13To ask my way back to civilization
03:15And then the line in front of me
03:16It was a dude
03:17Buying one roll of toilet tissue
03:19My manager told me
03:22Don't eat Robert
03:23Don't even look at him
03:24Just put your head down
03:25I say fuck looking at him
03:26I got some questions
03:27I need to ask him
03:28I tapped a man on the shoulder
03:31I say sir
03:32Are you trying to quit shitting?
03:37Have you figured out a way
03:38To stop shitting and ain't told nobody?
03:40What would possess you
03:42To go to the store
03:43And buy one roll of toilet tissue?
03:46You gon' shit again
03:47Get the pack
03:50Is this like an emergency
03:51Or somebody sitting on a commode somewhere?
03:53And why do y'all sell it like that?
03:57Who the fuck is individually wrapping this shit paper
04:00So convenience stores can sell them?
04:03God damn
04:05You can get four for a dollar
04:06This niggas in the store with a quarter
04:08To buy shit paper
04:10Then y'all do these roadblocks
04:16And sobriety checkpoints
04:17And shit out here
04:18That's not fair
04:19These DUI checkpoints and roadblocks
04:21That shit
04:22Where I'm from
04:23If you get home drunk
04:24And you get all the way to your house
04:25That means you won
04:26You're a winner
04:27You are a winner
04:28I'm from the country
04:29You get all the way home
04:30You did good
04:31Last time I was here
04:32Leaving the strip club
04:33Drunk as a skunk
04:34I pulled into one of them
04:35Sobriety checkpoints
04:36They got me good too
04:37Soon as I pull off the highway
04:38I pull right in
04:39Rolled my window down
04:40The police officer asked me
04:41Where you headed buddy?
04:42I said to jail
04:43I'm finna have to go with you sir
04:47Cause I'm fucked up
04:48Need the smallest orange jumpsuit y'all got
04:54He knew I was drunk too
04:58I'm all outside my car dancing and shit
05:00To the blue lights
05:01I thought I was at the club still
05:03Knowing I ain't got no business in jail
05:05I'll be somebody's girlfriend immediately in jail
05:07I ain't got no business in jail
05:09Shit
05:10I was in jail for six hours behind that shit
05:12There was a nigga playing with my ass
05:13And booking
05:14I'm up front
05:15This nigga ain't wait till I dress out a fingerprint or nothing
05:19Shit
05:22The police officer told me I had a pretty mouth
05:25I was like you not supposed to talk to me like that
05:27You supposed to be professional
05:30Shit
05:32I need to learn my gay terms
05:34Cause the dude walked up to me and tell me on the show
05:36And told me I was going to be a bottom
05:38I thought he meant the bunk
05:44My dumb ass in there talking about
05:45Ain't got no problem about him
05:46Ain't got no problem about nothing
05:48I'll bottom ain't ain't nothing
05:49Ain't got no problem
05:50I'll bottom all night
05:51I'm here ain't got no problem about nothing
05:57The worst 14 minutes of my life
06:02That shit hurt
06:03At first
06:09Then it ain't that day
06:12Y'all do got some good shit here though
06:13Y'all do got some good shit
06:14Y'all got a sperm bank here in Atlanta
06:16I ain't even know what a sperm bank was
06:17I'm from the country
06:18We don't have that where I'm from
06:19Y'all got a sperm bank here
06:20My manager had to explain it to me
06:22Y'all got a building that you can go to
06:24If you get down on your luck
06:25You can go to this building and
06:27Make a deposit
06:29And then they'll pay you for it
06:31And I've been out here just giving this shit away
06:37When I found out that y'all was paying for dick snot in Atlanta
06:40What y'all call it?
06:46Anyway, when I found out y'all was paying for this shit
06:48I called my mom and told her
06:49Mama, you ain't got work no more
06:50You can go and quit that job
06:55I'm the goose that laid the golden egg
06:58They closed on the weekend
06:59But early Monday morning
07:00I'm going to be in there to this show to give out
07:01You hear me?
07:03I'm going to be dehydrated in that motherfucker
07:06Shit
07:07I got a towel in my hotel room right now
07:09Worth $4,000
07:10I ain't been here for two days
07:11I ain't been here for two days
07:16Hey, judge your mammy
07:18Don't judge me
07:19Shit, I've been here for two days
07:20You don't get lucky in every city you go to
07:22Shit
07:23Sometimes you got to please yourself
07:24I don't need none of y'all
07:25I'm attracted to me
07:26That's why I can be so diddy at the club
07:28I don't need none of y'all
07:29I go back to my room
07:30Pleasure my damn self
07:32I don't need none of y'all shit
07:33I'm attracted to myself
07:35Hell
07:36I'll record myself jacking off
07:37Then I jack off to that
07:38That's how much I like me
07:43I don't need none of y'all
07:44Shit
07:45Turn me on
07:46I don't use that porn shit no more
07:47I can't use that
07:49I had got addicted to that shit
07:50I had to leave that shit alone
07:52I don't know how Kurt Franklin knew he was addicted
07:53But I knew I needed some help
07:56I knew I needed counseling
07:58I knew it was bad
07:59One time I pulled up to my house
08:00And before I opened the door
08:01I spit on the lock
08:02And then put the key in
08:03I said, wait a minute
08:07You ain't supposed to be lubing up no lock
08:14I had to call my doctor
08:17I think I just molested my house
08:22Y'all got some good shit here
08:23I ain't mad about that shit
08:25This next joke gonna be horrible
08:26But don't
08:27I warned you
08:28I went to the dollar store today
08:29To get some socks
08:30In the line checking out at the dollar store
08:32It's a woman that's pregnant
08:34Checking out
08:35But something a little wrong with her
08:37Just a little bit wrong with her
08:38Just got a touch
08:39Oh ma'am don't laugh
08:40Don't do that
08:41Cause you going to hell on your own
08:42Just got a
08:43Alright
08:44Just like a touch of retard
08:46But she pregnant
08:47Like nine months
08:48My manager said
08:49Don't look at her
08:50Don't even
08:51Just put your head down
08:52Say fuck looking at her
08:53I got some questions
08:54That I need
08:55To ask her
08:57I tapped on the shoulder
08:58I said ma'am
08:59Who did this to you?
09:01See and y'all in here laughing
09:04See that's
09:05That's why I got to get the fuck away from y'all
09:08Y'all are horrible
09:09That's the
09:10That's not a laughing thing
09:11There's somebody out here
09:12Raw dogging the retards
09:13And y'all got y'all asses in here laughing about it
09:15And that's nasty
09:18You know you supposed to pull out of the precious lamb of God
09:21She don't know no better
09:22Why would you do something like that?
09:29It is an animal out here doing that kind of shit
09:33Got that baby at the dollar store by herself
09:36Shit that nigga should be ashamed of herself
09:40Speaking of retards
09:41That goddamn Donald Trump
09:44Man I'm telling you I enjoyed all that shit
09:46You hear me?
09:47I enjoyed the election this year so much
09:49Damn I had a good time
09:50I hope Donald run every time
09:53Donald just come out and say
09:54Whatever the fuck
09:55You know what?
09:56Fuck the Mexicans
09:57Ain't no more Mexicans coming
09:58All the Mexicans gotta go
10:01Fuck it
10:02I live in Texas
10:03Donald tried
10:04Go ahead
10:05Shit
10:06I wish the fuck you would get rid of all of them
10:07I just got to a point
10:08Where I ain't have to mow my own yard
10:10I'd be damned if y'all changed the rules now
10:14Shit
10:15I just bought this ranch
10:16Who gonna help me mow?
10:17Donald you gotta come over here
10:18And grab one of these mows
10:19Fuck that
10:20Shit I just got the way
10:21I ain't
10:22He said he gonna get rid of all the Mexicans at one time
10:24And shit he gonna build a wall
10:26Okay Donald you might well put a curtain up
10:30Cause they ain't
10:31That wall ain't gonna do shit
10:32They coming over here in tunnels
10:34Shit that's
10:35That's what El Chapo has
10:36They got plenty of tunnels
10:37That's why they be so dirty when they
10:38The point is they coming in tunnels
10:40I don't wanna make this racial but that's how they getting here
10:47Shit
10:48All these politicians out here just selling hope making y'all think y'all life gonna change
10:55Based on who you elect
10:57It ain't gonna change
10:58Shit I thought when Obama won we had made it
11:00You hear me?
11:01I really did
11:02I thought when Obama won we had made it
11:03Shit they killing more niggas now than ever before
11:06Shit they killed so many niggas one month
11:08I was like damn where George Bush at?
11:10Cause
11:14When George Bush was in there we used to get a warning shot or something
11:17Shit
11:19They got that loose hand in the pistol now
11:21Cut that music down nigga
11:23Any reason they shooting
11:26Shit
11:27Gotta get somebody back in there
11:29Every year they come up with a new issue for us to talk about
11:32Pro gay marriage
11:34Last year the gay marriage shit was on the ballot last year
11:36They want to talk about that
11:38Oh god damn time I was for that shit
11:40You know what I'm talking about
11:41I was with it
11:42A whole bunch of people came out against
11:43The catholic church came out against
11:45And the audacity of these catholic priests to come out against gay marriage
11:48When they been back there skeeting on them little boys
11:51Before church for years
11:54The audacity of them they hypocrites
11:56Shit they been dumping loads down little Danny Thornton
11:59They ain't gonna come out and vote against the shit
12:01And you done made little Joshua the jizz jar of the church
12:06And you can't get a boy a ring
12:08The least you can do is make an honest man out of them
12:12They hypocrites
12:18Now they got this new issue that they want everybody to talk about
12:25And I ain't in the mood for that shit
12:27They call me coming out of Whole Foods and asking me about that shit too
12:30And I'm already mad coming out of Whole Foods
12:32Cause I had to pay $75 for some tangerines and shit
12:35So I'm already not in the mood for that shit
12:37And it's this trans bathroom situation
12:40You know what I'm talking about
12:41And they had on the piece of paper
12:42Are you for or against it
12:44And they need to have another little line on there
12:46That say I don't feel like that shit right now
12:48Cause that's the line I'm in
12:50I don't feel like that shit right now
12:52Just ask me another time
12:54But I just don't feel like that shit right now
12:56Fuck they will look for something to fight about
12:59Shit
13:00Where they been pissing at?
13:03Can somebody tell me that?
13:04Where have they been peeing at?
13:05Ain't they been peeing somewhere?
13:07You know what?
13:08No more bathrooms
13:09No more bathrooms
13:10Use the bathroom at home
13:11Or piss on yourself while you're out
13:13Since y'all don't know how to get together and use the bathroom
13:15Shit
13:16Everything a goddamn issue
13:18No more bathrooms
13:19Goddamn
13:21Transformers don't know where to pee at now
13:23I knew Bruce Jenner was gonna start some shit
13:30Whatever they call
13:31I can't keep up with that kind of shit
13:36Shit
13:37Now you gotta like them
13:38Who started this shit?
13:39Who started this where you gotta like everybody?
13:41Now you can't tell people how you feel about them
13:43Who started that shit?
13:45You gotta like everybody
13:46Fuck that
13:47It's a group of people I don't like
13:48It's a group of people I don't like
13:49And I don't mind telling you who they is neither
13:51Let me just make sure I ain't nothing I'm in here
13:54I personally
13:56Between me and you
13:57I don't fuck with albinos
13:58I don't like albinos
13:59I think they eat they babies
14:01They sleep in a tub full of scissors
14:02They scare me
14:03I think they vampire people
14:04I don't like albinos
14:05I hate albinos
14:06I hate God for making albinos
14:08I do not fuck with albinos
14:10They scare me
14:11Have you seen them?
14:12Have you seen them?
14:13They look like vampire people
14:16Shit they scare me
14:17I was in Walmart about 3 o'clock in the morning
14:20One of them albinos came on my room
14:22I damn near tore that buggy up trying to get the fuck from around that albino
14:25Shit they scare me
14:27They really do sleep in a tub full of scissors
14:29I've seen that shit on the news
14:30Shit they scare me
14:32They do
14:34They do
14:35But that don't mean I want them all to go back to Albania
14:38Where the fuck they came from
14:43That's mean I don't want them hanging out with me
14:44Stay the fuck out of my yard
14:48Goddamn Albanians
14:50Gotta be nice to the trans
14:51Gotta be nice to the Albanians
14:53And shit that's fine
14:54Everything's supposed to be equal
14:56And that's all cool too
14:57All things equal
14:58Until
14:59Now it's the transgender MMA fighter
15:02That was born a man
15:04Fighting as a woman
15:05Let me repeat that
15:06It's a transgender man
15:09Woman
15:10That was born a man
15:11Has the bone structure and the fist of a man
15:14But he's out there fighting as a woman
15:16And when I tell you
15:17He is giving these bitches the blues
15:19In that case you hear me?
15:23I'm talking about
15:24It's a transgender MMA fighter
15:25And he is beating these bitches to death
15:27You hear me?
15:29He ain't taking it easy on them or nothing
15:31I'm not talking about no boxing tap tap jam
15:34I'm talking about
15:35He holding these hoes head down
15:36And yamming his knee into they face
15:39Now
15:40All things gotta be equal
15:41But if he woke up and felt like a girl that day
15:43You gotta let him fight like a girl that day
15:45Shit
15:46Not my baby
15:48I told my baby
15:49If you wanna fight MMA
15:50You can't fight nothing but girls
15:52But you gotta make sure they are organic
15:54Cause you ain't fighting no fucking
15:55One of these transportation hoes
15:57Cause I'm gonna hop in there and help you
16:02You ain't gonna beat my baby up
16:04That transformer for real
16:05She fucked this part
16:07She fucked the woman orbital bone up in 19 seconds
16:10Beat another woman up so bad
16:12Broke all this shit up in her
16:14Dude now
16:15Transgender
16:16Fucked all this up
16:17She beat three women in one night just to win the belt
16:20Hmm
16:21And then after she beat all these women up
16:23When they go in the back they also gotta pee with her
16:25Fuck that
16:26There's gotta be a line drawn
16:27Use your own bathroom
16:30This woman done broke your eye socket
16:32You come in there she's standing up over the toilet and shit
16:34That's wrong
16:36Shit
16:37They ain't gonna marry the grass ain't green on the other side of the fence
16:40I promise
16:41Hell
16:42And if they cheat on you cheat on their ass back
16:43For real
16:45They cheat on you cheat on their ass back
16:47And let me tell you something ladies
16:48Don't nothing make your man madder than cheating with a little funny comedian
16:54Woo
16:55Woo
16:58We'll learn his ass a lesson
16:59You hear me?
17:01Over at the W
17:04I'm passing out lessons
17:05But you gotta go home
17:07Shit
17:08Cheating okay just going home
17:09Hell
17:10It is some people out here cheating that shouldn't be cheating though
17:12And that's true
17:13I saw on the Today Show that Ozzy Osbourne cheating on Sharon Osbourne
17:17I don't even know how this happened
17:20Has anybody seen Ozzy Osbourne?
17:21How the fuck they understand what he's saying?
17:23How he talked his way into some strange asses beneath me
17:27Have you seen Ozzy trying to talk?
17:28Yeah
17:29I saw Ozzy trying to do an interview too
17:33First of all he came out there shaking like Michael J Fox out of an ice bath or some shit
17:38Okay I warned y'all about this shit before I got up here
17:45The point was he shouldn't be cheating on Sharon like that
17:51And then the one that broke my heart was Stephen Hawkins then cheated on his wife for 27 years
17:56And then left his wife for the nurse
17:59Now those you don't know who Stephen Hawkins is
18:02Firstly shame on you
18:03And secondly Stephen Hawkins is like the smartest man on the planet right now
18:07He did the whole black hole theory
18:08You know I'm talking about very very smart man
18:10They made a movie about him the theory of everything and what not
18:13Very very brilliant guy
18:15The problem is Stephen Hawkins is paralyzed from the eyebrows down
18:19He is paralyzed from the eyebrows down
18:26And he's in this little super hover around machine that they made for him that he controls
18:30And he can't talk so he used this voice box computer machine shit
18:35You know I'm talking about that they made
18:37The only part that worked is this right here
18:39So he works the
18:40Am I making this up?
18:41See he works the whole thing from this shit right here
18:44Now he done rolled his dead body ass in the kitchen
18:48And asked his wife for a divorce after 27 years
18:51And she let him do it
18:53For the young bimbo nurse
18:55And that's how I knew Stephen Hawkins' wife wasn't black
18:57Cause there's no way a black woman would have went for that shit
19:00Soon as he rolled his ass in the
19:02I want a divorce
19:03Stephen gone now
19:04Gone with that bullshit
19:06Gone
19:07Gone
19:08I ain't in the mood for that shit now
19:10I've been feeding you all this soft food for 27 years
19:13You better go on in there and go to sleep now
19:15Gone
19:17I'm leaving you
19:18How?
19:19How you gonna do that?
19:22How you finna do that?
19:23Stephen gone back there now
19:25Before I unplug that machine
19:26Gone
19:28Shit
19:29I done put all these ramps in my house and shit
19:30You talking about you finna go somewhere
19:32Gone
19:34Shit
19:35You finna go somewhere
19:37Go back there and take your ass to sleep
19:38My mom would have pinched that part of his face at work
19:40You gon' get your ass back there and go to sleep
19:42While I fuckin' kill you in this house
19:45Stephen Hawkins gonna believe for the young bimbo nurse
19:50With her nasty ass
19:51Shit
19:52And the
19:53And he on the
19:54Talking about she liked me for me
19:55Cause I don't know if Stephen Hawkins
19:57Has seen himself lately
19:59But shit
20:00Stephen Hawkins got the sex appeal of a suicide note
20:07I'm leaving you
20:08Shit
20:09My mom would have grabbed that little air hole that go to his nose
20:11Hey Stephen do you feel that?
20:12Huh?
20:13Are you getting dizzy bitch?
20:16See any black holes?
20:18See any black holes?
20:20You don't get your goddamn ass out here before I kill you in this goddamn house
20:24Shit
20:25That's my time
20:26Y'all I'm Rob Powell
20:27Thank y'all so much for having me
20:28God bless y'all and goodnight
20:29Fried
20:33Burbell
20:43Alexis
20:45In sixteen
20:46asymmen
20:46In sixteen
20:47Idol
20:52Shh
20:53Shh
20:55Shh
20:56Shh
20:57Shh