Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69E02
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00:00.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Martin Clunes.
00:42In the news this week, the latest AI humanoid goes home
00:45after experiencing its first happy hour at Wetherspoons.
00:55Following sweeping welfare reforms,
00:57there are fears the government's new fitness-to-work assessment
00:59could be too physically challenging.
01:07And as Donald Trump's trade policy collapses into chaos,
01:10government economists in The Herd and McDonald Islands
01:13frantically try to make sense of it all.
01:22On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:24who played Noah's son in the BBC drama The Ark,
01:27telling the biblical story of when humanity
01:29was on the brink of total disaster.
01:31But, of course, he can put all that behind him now.
01:34Please welcome Ian Smith.
01:42On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:45who says the greatest privilege in journalism
01:47is to go to places, witness history and write it down.
01:50And tell that to the poor sod who's following a Davies campaign trail.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:56APPLAUSE
02:02And so we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:05Ian and Ian, here's yours.
02:06Hooray! The world's going to end.
02:11That's HS2.
02:15That's the Chinese telling Trump where he can go.
02:18Bit of smoke.
02:20That's how slow car production is now in the UK.
02:23The trouble is, anything could have happened by the time we go out.
02:27Or, indeed, by the time I finish this sentence.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31His reactions change so rapidly that, you know, the story's gone.
02:36And all his supporters have to justify it.
02:38Which is the good bit.
02:40Because he says, they say, Trump's going to stand firm,
02:42he's not going to change, he's got a spine,
02:44he's not going to buckle.
02:45Whoa!
02:46He's gone.
02:47And then they say it was his plan all along.
02:49Yeah.
02:50They had this thing a couple of weeks ago, weren't they?
02:52The new phrase was, trust in Trump,
02:53until somebody pointed out what the initials stand for.
02:56LAUGHTER
02:58Stop saying it.
02:59Stop saying it.
03:01And whenever I hear it now, I think it's President Truss,
03:04cos...
03:06He's done the same thing.
03:07Yes.
03:08He was claiming his tariff splurge was working right up until Wednesday.
03:11Let's have a look.
03:13I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up,
03:15kissing my ass.
03:17They are...
03:18They are dying to make it to you.
03:20Please, please, sir, make it to you.
03:21I'll do anything.
03:22I'll do anything, sir.
03:23Oh!
03:26How has he got his hair so rectangular there?
03:28It's like he's done it in a jelly mould or something.
03:31I think that's evening hair.
03:34When I heard him talk about Liberation Day,
03:35I kept thinking it was Liberace Day, cos...
03:38LAUGHTER
03:42He's incredibly campy,
03:43he's got small hands and he's really...
03:46He's really bitchy.
03:48He would love that, though.
03:50Sorry.
03:51I thought I just saw Ian attempting to impersonate Liberace.
03:55LAUGHTER
03:58Sorry, Mr Merton, it's time to take you away now.
04:00It is.
04:01The world's turned upside down.
04:03Honestly, to boast about other countries coming and crawling to you
04:07and kissing arse...
04:09I mean, yes, he is an arse, but...
04:11LAUGHTER
04:13It's really frustrating for us as well, because we...
04:15We kissed his arse before anyone else did.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19That was all we had to brag, is that we were on 10%.
04:22Now everyone's on 10%.
04:23Yeah.
04:24Could have at least put us on, like, 9.5%.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29Yeah, the bloody penguins are on 10% and they didn't even offer up their king.
04:32Yeah.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34APPLAUSE
04:40But the penguins are wearing suits.
04:47Thank you very much.
04:48Anybody know how Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leavitt,
04:51described his tough negotiating stance?
04:53Didn't she say it was the art of the deal?
04:55She said,
04:56President Trump has a spine of steel and he will not break.
05:00And a few hours later, do you know what Trump said?
05:0325% on steel.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06You have to have flexibility.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:13And, do you know, what reason did he give for his U-turn?
05:16People had got, er, the yippies?
05:18Or people had got yippie.
05:19That's absolutely right.
05:20I think that's a golfing term, I think.
05:21Let's have a look.
05:22Yeah, well, he's a golfer, isn't he?
05:23Well, I thought that people were, er, jumping a little bit out of line.
05:28They were getting yippie, you know?
05:30They were getting a little bit yippie, a little bit afraid.
05:34I thought yippie was what you said when something was good.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:38See the stunned expressions of the people standing around him.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:43I mean, the good thing is, for those people,
05:45it's the first time they're hearing it too.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:48But when people asked the White House questions about what had changed,
05:52the spokespeople didn't know.
05:54He hadn't told anybody.
05:56Maybe he hadn't told himself.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00He was just totally incoherent.
06:02I think that he's taking credit for reversing one of the most
06:05catastrophic decisions in the history of the American presidency.
06:08Yeah.
06:09It's like the fireman who comes in and says, OK, I set fire to the place,
06:12but look, I'm putting it out now.
06:15I wonder how Liberace would deal with a house.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18I wonder what that would look like.
06:21Your house is on fire.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:25And now I'm watching you do Liberace.
06:27Yeah.
06:28And nobody recognised who it was.
06:30Do you know how his team put a spin on his blinking port?
06:33Liberace? I've no idea.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Oh, no, they just thought...
06:37They said, oh, it's probably...
06:38They come up with all this nonsense about how he's some genius
06:40or something instead of having the intelligence of a brick.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44He plays fourth-dimensional chess or something somebody said
06:46at one point.
06:47Trolling to one Trump insider,
06:49some people seem to think Trump's playing chess,
06:51when most of the time the staff are just trying to stop him
06:53from eating the pieces.
06:55LAUGHTER
07:04And do you know who was ahead of everyone else
07:06in predicting what would happen?
07:08Mystic Meg.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11That was the Daily Star,
07:12who on Tuesday published this comparison
07:14with Liz Truss on their front page.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:20Do you know who might be getting out of the US
07:22before things get too tough?
07:24The entire population.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:26It's Percy Pig.
07:28Percy's handlers, Marks and Spencers,
07:30are worried that bags of gelatinous chew
07:32will break the $4 mark and stop the Americans buying them.
07:35So they're thinking of pulling Percy out.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:39I did that at a party once and I still regret it.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:44Moving on.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:47The equation for working out the tariffs
07:49has been ridiculed as childish.
07:51How did Trump's team try and enhance the credibility
07:54of their calculations?
07:55They put Greek letters in it
07:57on the basis that it's kind of fancy.
07:59They did. Let's have a look.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01Which is either a very complex formula
08:05or the name of Elon Musk's youngest.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:10APPLAUSE
08:12They've actually put President Chi's name in.
08:18I know, I know.
08:20Chi minus...
08:21Me?
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23I mean, you say Trump and Chi, I'm sure it's just a coincidence
08:25there's also two arseholes in there.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Ian, here's a question for you.
08:30Which Ian?
08:31What?
08:32You.
08:33Oh.
08:34Any will do.
08:35Yeah.
08:36We should have nicknames.
08:37Have you ever had a nickname?
08:38I have.
08:39The accused.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41APPLAUSE
08:42Yeah.
08:43Big Smitty and the accused.
08:44Big Smitty and the accused.
08:45I don't like you.
08:46What's a panican?
08:47Well, yesterday I googled what is a tariff,
08:49so I don't think I'm...
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52It's one of Trump's jokes.
09:07Is it a panicking Republican?
09:09There you go.
09:10In his own words, it's a new party based on weak and stupid people.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15Which he isn't leading, to be clear.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:19It's meant to be a play on the word Republican.
09:21It doesn't work on any level.
09:23Do you want to hear another Trump joke?
09:25Yeah, go on. Well, I don't think I've heard one yet, but...
09:28White House gardeners have had to cut down a magnolia tree
09:31planted by President Andrew Jackson around 1830.
09:34And it was replaced with a new sapling,
09:37which Trump has called the Maganolia Tree.
09:40You see?
09:41Oh!
09:43The 200-year-old magnolia tree that that replaced
09:45has seen a lot of presidential history.
09:47Andrew Jackson planted it.
09:49FDR sat in its shade.
09:51And Joe Biden walked into it eight times.
09:59Does anybody know what Trump is using as a barometer
10:01for his success since taking office?
10:04Oh, the number of times he gets taken to court?
10:07Should we have a look? Yeah. Yeah, let's have a look.
10:09Eggs.
10:11So when I got in, the press went absolutely crazy the first week.
10:15They said, eggs have quadrupled in price.
10:17I said, I just got here. Tell me about it.
10:22Shock news, eggs are going up.
10:24Yeah, and Netanyahu's thrilled.
10:26Can we bomb them now?
10:31The Republican whip, Tom Emmer,
10:33speaking at a Republican dinner,
10:35summed up how everyone's feeling about Trump now.
10:37President Trump is counting on it.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:49And we in the UK haven't imposed any tariffs yet.
10:51So Keir Starmer's keeping calm.
10:53Keir Starmer's keeping calm.
10:55Kemi Baden-Ockard's...
10:56Doesn't matter what she thinks.
10:59Do we know what Ed Davey's doing?
11:01Has he erected a series of hurdles at 10%, 15% levels
11:06and is jumping?
11:09I'm just guessing.
11:10Yeah, he's telling us to buy British.
11:11Let's have a look at this.
11:12Wow!
11:13There's this guy, he's called President Trump
11:16and he's messing with our trade and is hurting us.
11:19Liberal Democrats say, fight back, buy British.
11:23And so I'm here in the Highlands in Scotland
11:26and I'm saying, buy square sausage.
11:32It's actually harder to see how you can talk out of tune.
11:39It probably just doesn't feel very comfortable that he's not on water.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:45So this is Donald Trump's pause in tariffs for everyone but China.
11:49The USA and China's trade war has been described in the newspapers
11:53as tit for tat.
11:54America's got the tit and China's bringing the tat.
11:58Trump's tariffs policy has been strongly defended
12:00by the White House press secretary, Caroline Leavitt.
12:03Apparently the only other candidate for the job was Ron Takeit
12:06and Bob Leggett.
12:07Some of the highest tariffs have been imposed on Vietnam,
12:11Cambodia and Thailand, threatening the jobs of millions of children.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:18The UK is now considering putting tariffs on US products,
12:21including American toilet seats.
12:22Apparently they're number two export.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25Yeah.
12:31Paul and Helen, here's yours.
12:33Yes, this is a man dressed as a rat.
12:35This is the sad situation in Birmingham at the moment.
12:38Oh, there's a 1928 cartoon suggesting that rats are pouring into
12:42Birmingham, which they are.
12:43So, yes, this has been going on now.
12:45How long is it? A month?
12:46A month now, yes.
12:47And they declared...
12:48A state of emergency is probably overselling it slightly,
12:51but they certainly invoked emergency powers.
12:53Major incident.
12:54There we go.
12:55January, I think it started.
12:56Oh, did it?
12:57Yes.
12:58It's all a bit serious, isn't it?
12:59It's been horrible.
13:00Covered in 23,000 tonnes of festering rubbish.
13:03But on the plus side, only fools and horses,
13:05the musicals, aren't the Birmingham Hippodrome.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:09Someone suggested they should bring in the army.
13:12It does sound like the beginning of one of those adverts
13:15where they say, if you can collect a bin, you can drive a tank.
13:20Yeah.
13:21We always go to the army very quickly on a situation...
13:25It doesn't feel like it's army level.
13:27What about lifeguards?
13:30Collecting rubbish isn't actually as straightforward as you might think,
13:33at least not judging by this man.
13:35LAUGHTER
13:36According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded by rats the size of cats.
13:48The Eye newspaper said locals had reported seeing rats the size of cats.
13:52And you guessed it, the Daily Mail said the city was being overrun
13:55by rats the size of baby monkeys.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:01APPLAUSE
14:02Then where does it end? It's dogs the size of horses.
14:03Before you know it, it's all over.
14:04And then you've got an old woman swallowing a fly at the end of it.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06Birmingham City Council say that they have made a fair offer to workers.
14:08Meanwhile, the Secretary of State for Local Government, Angela Rayner,
14:10has contributed to the situation by, erm...
14:13LAUGHTER
14:14..nothing, apparently.
14:16The Government is refusing to act to actually clear this rubbish.
14:18The Council won't clear it, the union won't back down the road.
14:21You have to take a look at the fact that it's a fair offer to workers.
14:23It's a fair offer to workers,
14:25and the government is refusing to act to actually clear this rubbish.
14:27The Council won't clear it.
14:28The union won't back to the white house.
14:30It's a fair offer to workers.
14:31It's not fair to work.
14:32It's not fair to work to work.
14:33It's not fair to work.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:40the council lost a billion pounds on an equal pay dispute
14:45because the binmen, which we're not allowed to call them anymore,
14:48they're waste recovery and disposal operatives, I think.
14:53They used to be called refuse collectors,
14:55but people thought that meant they refused to collect.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59Well, I think the Birmingham council is so incompetent
15:01they thought they owed £750 million on equal pay games
15:04and then they went, oh, it's actually only £250 million.
15:07Let's take a look at how agency binmen drafted in
15:10to replace those on strike reacted when they saw a rat.
15:20Here comes the big one. Go on, my son!
15:28Wes Streeting has said that the situation needs to be resolved
15:31as people's health is now at risk.
15:33Did anybody hear him on Radio 4's Today programme this week?
15:36Oh.
15:37Here he is shedding some light on a major issue of the day
15:39in an interview with Nick Robinson.
15:40Forgive me, this has been turning into a party election broadcast
15:43before and I want to ask you some questions if I may...
15:45No, it's not. It's reporting back to people on what we're actually doing.
15:49Let's report back on the reality.
15:51Is there a shortage of...
15:53Forgive me.
15:55So that's cleared that up.
15:56So this is the news that the streets of Birmingham are piled high
16:03with rat-infested bin bags blocking pavements.
16:06In fact, it's so bad that Lenny Henry can't get out of his Premier Inn.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration of how bad the rat problem is.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:19It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
16:21LAUGHTER
16:23People who like this item also like this.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:27Yes.
16:29There's time now for round two.
16:31Oh, yes.
16:32And with the news that overfishing may lead to a shortage of mackerel,
16:35what better time to employ the fishing rod of news?
16:39Yes.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:41Fingers on buzzers, teams.
16:43Yep.
16:48Well, the float doesn't even match the one that you've got there.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:52They're Universal, they're going to build a big sort of like multi-acre park
16:56in Bedford, somewhere near Luton Airport.
16:58It's going to take six years to build, but it's going to create 28,000 jobs.
17:01Keir Starmer tried to make a joke.
17:03He said, when people said getting into politics would be a rollercoaster,
17:07I didn't think they meant like this.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Jesus Christ.
17:12LAUGHTER
17:13He also said it's going to put Bedford on the map.
17:16Mm.
17:17Which is news to maps, I think.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20Well, Lisa Nandy told BBC Breakfast the park was likely to feature rides
17:24based on British favourites like Harry Potter, Paddington and James Bond.
17:28What did you get there?
17:29The Guardian suggested the park could feature a Minions-themed ride
17:33called the Loop-dee-doo-deep.
17:35Doop-dee.
17:36Do you know what you're saying?
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Just reading out this collection of letters.
17:41Can I tell you my favourite Minions fact?
17:43Yeah.
17:44Which is that canonically they serve the most evil person in the world
17:47at any time, so they've had to write it into Minions.
17:49Law that they were accidentally buried underground in the years, like,
17:521930 to 1945.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55That's brilliant.
17:56It would be a very interesting prequel, though, isn't it?
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01It's annoying that we're going to have a Minions-famed rollercoaster
18:04before HS2 is completed.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:07I read an article that said one of Universal's biggest films
18:12was Oppenheimer.
18:13Oh!
18:14If you want an Oppenheimer theme park, just nuke Bedford.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:20They're expecting 8.5 million visitors in the first year.
18:25Here's an artist's impression of what the park will look like.
18:28I don't want to alarm you, but one of the bits at the top of it is on fire.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:34The BBC News went down there to have a look.
18:36Let's see how the builders are getting on.
18:38Yes, I'm standing on the site, as you can see.
18:41There's a big pile of bricks behind me.
18:43I'm standing in some brick rubble.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:47The Tourism Minister, Chris Bryant, responded to the news by saying,
18:52this will be absolutely transformational for the British
18:55tourism industry if we manage to pull it off.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:00What's the particularly good news for the locals of Bedford?
19:03Uh, jobs.
19:05A train station?
19:06They haven't promised that, but they have promised
19:08a dedicated slip road off the A41.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:13As local MP Chris Curtis said,
19:16they say dreams only come true in Hollywood,
19:19but soon you will just need to take the A421 to Bedford.
19:24APPLAUSE
19:29And whilst we're on the subject of the A421,
19:31does anybody know what its claim to fame is?
19:33It was once the location of the fastest speeding incident
19:36ever recorded by British police when a man from Leamington Spa
19:39was filmed travelling at 157mph on the Tindwick bypass.
19:44Was he in a car?
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48In other news, what was Boris Johnson filmed doing
19:50with an ostrich this week?
19:52BUZZER
19:53No.
19:54BUZZER
19:55Are you going to show it?
19:59Yeah.
20:00Yeah, go on.
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20:11Really, some people never forget Brexit.
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20:15Let's hope that ostrich has had its jabs.
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20:48Nuts and seeds in his lap in an attempt to make...
20:50Not for the first time.
20:55That's how he did it. Yeah.
20:56Half a box of trill down there. Yeah.
21:02In other Investing in Britain news,
21:05who's been showing an interest in British business?
21:10The Japanese ambassador to the UK paid a visit
21:13to the Sarsen's malt vinegar factory in Manchester.
21:15Let's have a look at that.
21:16I just can't think of fish and chips without Sarsen's.
21:41Is this a hostage video?
21:45What's he done wrong?
21:46He was chewing that like it was a bush-tucker trial.
21:50He's been doing lots of this, though.
21:51He's having the best time of anyone in Britain currently.
21:54He just goes and looks at things and goes,
21:56oh, this week, Welsh cakes.
21:57It's just a great way to live.
21:59So, this is Universal's announcement
22:01of a new theme park in Bedford.
22:03By the way, if you're an American tourist
22:05and you're wondering how to get to Bedfordshire,
22:07it's up the wooden stairs.
22:09One of the attractions at the Universal theme park in Florida
22:13is based on Dracula.
22:15Oh.
22:15Which is a bit annoying, because obviously it's not open
22:17during the day.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18It says, get your rod out.
22:21Here we go.
22:22Fingers on buzzers, teams.
22:24There it goes.
22:25The King and Queen have visited Rome, and that's the Colosseum.
22:32They were disappointed to find out that no shows are happening
22:35that day.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36They haven't happened for a few hundred years.
22:38He did some of his speech in Italian.
22:40Yeah, amazing.
22:40Which, erm, I didn't feel represented Britain very well.
22:44I think he should have just shouted his speech in English very loudly.
22:47LAUGHTER
22:49And he got to meet the Pope as well, which was quite something.
22:51It's a big 20th wedding anniversary present, meeting the Pope.
22:55That's what they were out there for, 20th wedding anniversary.
22:58Usually 20th is China, but the tariffs are so high now.
23:01LAUGHTER
23:04APPLAUSE
23:06Very good.
23:07Yeah, how have royal observers been describing the trip?
23:10Huge success.
23:11Massive lash.
23:14It was huge.
23:15An exercise in soft power, where, according to the British ambassador,
23:19Lord Llewellyn, the royal couple will do something intangible but priceless.
23:25Or, as Camilla told one onlooker, any excuse to be in Italy.
23:29They met Giorgia Maloney, the Prime Minister.
23:32They walked apart some massive guards.
23:34We're all whoppers.
23:35Look at this.
23:36Look at them!
23:37LAUGHTER
23:39Loads of them.
23:40There was incredible video footage of them listening to the National Anthem
23:43from behind a hedge.
23:45Do you have that?
23:46I mean, they look like a sort of naughty seaside postcard.
23:48You can just see the top of them peeking over.
23:50It's delightful.
23:51We do have that clip.
23:52BOOM
23:53BOOM
23:54BOOM
23:55BOOM
23:56BOOM
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58APPLAUSE
24:00APPLAUSE
24:02APPLAUSE
24:04It could be a tofu-y tribute.
24:06Do you think they forgot to get dressed or something?
24:08Yes.
24:09They just said, quit, get on a balcony now!
24:10LAUGHTER
24:11King Charles presented Italy's President Mattarella with the Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Bath, and Camilla was given a margherita pizza.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:28Which is named after Queen Margherita of Italy. I think a lot of the pizzas are named after royals, like Prince sloppy Giuseppe.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:38It's weird seeing a royal have a pizza, I think.
24:41Why?
24:42You ever thinking of Prince Andrew?
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44APPLAUSE
24:46APPLAUSE
24:47The King also enjoyed another visit recently. The London Vegetable Orchestra came to see him at Windsor Castle.
24:57Yes, yes. And he played the carrot.
24:59He did.
24:59Yeah.
25:00Let's take a look at that.
25:01Yeah.
25:02LAUGHTER
25:03One is a reminder of Keir Starmer's relationship with Donald Trump.
25:19LAUGHTER
25:21APPLAUSE
25:23He's game, though, isn't he?
25:28Yeah, he is.
25:29It is, yeah.
25:30How many other heads of state would play a carrot?
25:33Yeah, if you presented Donald Trump with a holiday aubergine, he wouldn't get a tune out of it.
25:37And that's why Britain is still great.
25:39Yeah.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:42APPLAUSE
25:44Oh, yes.
25:45This is the royal visit to Rome.
25:47The Queen told reporters that the secret to a lasting marriage was laughing at the same thing.
25:52Like Meghan's new Netflix show.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:56During their skate visit, the King and Queen had an audience with His Holiness at the Vatican,
26:01although there was an awkward moment when Camilla nipped out for a fag
26:03and the crowd thought they'd elected a new pope.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:07So, it's time now for the odd one-out round.
26:11Ian and Ian, your four are...
26:13..a hawk in Flamstead, a pilot flying from L.A. to Shanghai, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, and a tunnock's tea cake.
26:21The hawk has been attacking people, apparently.
26:24Yeah.
26:25He attacked the same man twice, didn't he, and stole his hat.
26:28Yes.
26:29I come from the north, I once saw a man throw a pigeon at another man like a weapon.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:34Just as a side note.
26:37So, come on, what's the odd one out?
26:39Well, has the pilot also been flying at the same person?
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45The tunnock tea cakes have just been allowed back on planes.
26:48When I was younger, they weren't allowed on planes,
26:50cos everybody thought they blew up.
26:52Did they have gelignite in them?
26:53What, back then, was it, like, lower food standards?
26:56And one of the ingredients is Semtex.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59No, sir, I haven't made that up, have I?
27:01No, you haven't.
27:02They've been on the RAF's no-fly list since 1965,
27:06when a tunnock's tea cake on board a nuclear bomber exploded
27:10and sprayed marshmallow all over the pilot's cockpit.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:17Well, they are flying again, and Lindsay Hoyle is the speaker.
27:21He's defending, going around in private jets and taking a lot of flights.
27:26So, it's about who's allowed to fly.
27:29I think the Hawk's been captured, so...
27:30That's right.
27:31..it doesn't fly any more, and pilots,
27:33even though they're stressed, they're still flying.
27:35No, they've all been prevented from flying,
27:38apart from Sir Lindsay Hoyle,
27:40who's been criticised for taking too many first-class flights.
27:42According to the Daily Mail, Lindsay Hoyle has billed taxpayers
27:46£250,000 for foreign trips in two years,
27:50including £180,000 on first- and business-class flights.
27:54And it's not just their flights he's enjoyed, are they?
27:57He's been charging for expensive meals and five-star hotels as well.
28:00One Freedom of Information request revealed that
28:03flights for a nine-day trip to South Africa in St Helena
28:06cost the taxpayer £21,300.
28:09Good grief, he sits in the restaurant going,
28:11Order!
28:12LAUGHTER
28:15Do you know what the slogan they've come up with
28:17for the campaign against him?
28:19Just stop Hoyle, yeah.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:25How has he justified his flights?
28:27I like it.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:30I think he said speakers in other countries
28:32have private jets on hand all the time.
28:35He told The Times,
28:36It's about using my power and influence to speak out
28:39because it's about speaking truth to power
28:41to the Chinese and to Russia, he shouted, from South Africa.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:47According to the Mail, he said that speakers in other nations
28:50have their own aircraft and travel around the world
28:52all the time without criticism.
28:54He said speakers going to other countries to represent the house
28:56was nothing new.
28:57Douglas Clifton Brown went to the front line in Normandy in 1944.
29:02LAUGHTER
29:03And similarly, Hoyle went to the Ritz-Carlton in Los Angeles in 2023.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:09The RAF have approved tunnock tea cakes for flights
29:11after a series of rigorous tests in an altitude chamber in Bedfordshire.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:17Oh, that could be a new thing by the way.
29:18Could be a ride.
29:19Could be a new, yes.
29:20Not ride the tunnock tea cake, explosive ride.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:24Shall we see what happens to a rapidly decompressed tunnock tea cake?
29:26Oh, yeah.
29:27Come on.
29:28Stand by for rapid decompression in five, four, three, two, one, now.
29:33BUZZER
29:35Oh!
29:36Whoa!
29:39MUSIC PLAYS
29:44Was this by any chance filmed on April the 1st?
29:46LAUGHTER
29:49I was expecting bits of March Man to be ricocheting off the chamber
29:52rather than a sort of splodge.
29:54Well, I think the old tea cakes would have done that.
29:56Because of woke.
29:57They don't put semtex in tea cakes any more.
29:59Exactly.
30:00Because of woke.
30:01Yeah.
30:02Do you want to know who invented the tunnock's tea cake?
30:04Was it Tunnock?
30:05It is.
30:06Sir Archibald Boyd Tunnock, who invented the tea cake in 1956.
30:10There he is. Look!
30:11LAUGHTER
30:12He thought it invented contact lenses, but...
30:15LAUGHTER
30:16His moustache just looks like he's eaten a tea cake really quickly.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:22And, erm, how has the hawk in Flamstead been prevented from flying?
30:26The man who got attacked's wife has caught it.
30:28Yeah, he's been caught and taken in a sinister turn of phrase
30:31to undergo...retraining.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:34..and has gone to live on a farm.
30:37LAUGHTER
30:39Why was a pilot flying from Los Angeles to Shanghai stopped from flying?
30:43Drunk.
30:44No.
30:45It wasn't a pilot.
30:46LAUGHTER
30:47The plane had to make a U-turn two hours into the flight
30:50because the pilot didn't have his passport with him.
30:53Oh!
30:54Do you want to see the route he took?
30:56LAUGHTER
30:57It looks like the beginning of Donald Trump's autograph.
31:01LAUGHTER
31:02I would hate to leave an airport where the security was lax.
31:07LAUGHTER
31:09And, er, guess how United Airlines compensated passengers?
31:14Tea cake.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:16They got a $15 meal voucher.
31:19The plane eventually landed at Shanghai's Pudong Airport six hours late,
31:23causing a bit of a ding-dong of Pudong.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:30So they've all been prevented from flying except for Lindsay Hoyle,
31:33who's been flying too much.
31:35The village of Flamstead in Hertfordshire was left in terror
31:37after a spate of hawk attacks.
31:39According to The Telegraph, postmen stopped delivering mail
31:42and scaffolders left work unfinished.
31:44And then the hawk attacks began.
31:46LAUGHTER
31:49The flight from LA to Shanghai was delayed for six hours,
31:52which irritated and annoyed most of the passengers,
31:55although it did give Lindsay Hoyle the chance to enjoy another cocktail
31:57and a cucumber face mask.
31:59LAUGHTER
32:01Er, Paul and Helen, your four are...
32:03Theresa May, a kitten, Love Island,
32:06and Robert Gascoigne Cecil, the third Marquess of Salisbury.
32:09How come, considering how old that guy is in the bottom right picture,
32:14why is he next to a flat-screen TV?
32:16LAUGHTER
32:18LAUGHTER
32:19Him, Salisbury.
32:21He was Prime Minister...
32:22Yeah.
32:23..a couple of times.
32:24It could be they were all involved in the scramble for Africa.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:28No?
32:29Is that a game show?
32:30LAUGHTER
32:32Lord Salisbury, his nephew became Prime Minister,
32:35that was Balfour, Arthur Balfour,
32:37and this is how the phrase, um, Bob's your uncle came about,
32:41cos his first name was Robert,
32:42but that doesn't help me any further unless that...
32:45Unless that kitten's called Bob.
32:47It does help you.
32:48It does?
32:49It does help you.
32:50Surely it's about kitten heels.
32:52Everyone there...
32:53Is that the name of somebody in Love Island?
32:55LAUGHTER
32:56Yeah.
32:57She was the star, Theresa May wears kitten heels,
33:00very famously, the kitten's got heels.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:06And...
33:08And the Marquess of Salisbury, unknown to most of his...
33:12LAUGHTER
33:13Contemporaries appeared repeatedly at the dispatch box
33:16wearing...
33:17Leopard print trousers.
33:19LAUGHTER
33:20OK, we'll pick an odd one out.
33:23We'll say it's the kitten.
33:24Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.
33:25Yeah, it's the kitten.
33:26Because they've all inspired slang words, apart from a kitten,
33:28which has inspired a new word added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
33:33Is it a word about cuteness? Is it, like, small?
33:35Mm-hm, mm-hm.
33:36Or something like that?
33:37Mm-hm, mm-hm.
33:38Come on.
33:39It's a new word.
33:40Small and uwu are new words.
33:42Ian, do you know what small and uwu mean?
33:44No.
33:45Yeah.
33:46LAUGHTER
33:47What do they mean?
33:48Small means small in a cute way.
33:50An uwu is like a cat's little face, like peeking up over something.
33:53OK, stop now.
33:55LAUGHTER
33:57The Oxford English Dictionary has included the word eagil in its latest edition.
34:05It's a so-called untranslatable word borrowed from the Tagalog language,
34:09which means a feeling so intense that it gives us the irresistible urge
34:13to tightly clench our hands, grit our teeth and pinch or squeeze
34:17whatever it is we find so adorable.
34:19Or, as the Guardian put it, have you ever held a fluffy and adorable kitten
34:22and felt a strong urge to squeeze its head?
34:25LAUGHTER
34:26Tell me about the Love Island.
34:28OK, do you know how it's inspiring linguists?
34:30Yes, a lot of its phrases have passed into common parlance.
34:33They're used all the time.
34:35The contestants describe each other as very agreeable.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:40The words that they're using are proving popular with Americans.
34:43According to research at Northern Arizona University,
34:46popular words include bonkers, kerfuffle and flummox.
34:50They're not from Love Island.
34:52They're also starting to say trousers instead of pants
34:55and Q instead of line.
34:57Yes.
34:58I had a cat called kerfuffle once.
35:00Aw!
35:01Aw.
35:02Did you ever sminge it? Whatever it was.
35:03Giggle.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:05Could think of it.
35:06LAUGHTER
35:08Other words on the list include dodgy, wonky, snarky, cheeky,
35:11bugger, bollocks and twee.
35:13If they'd used those names for The Seven Dwarfs,
35:15the Snow White remake would have been a whole lot better.
35:18LAUGHTER
35:19And who is Robert Gascois and Cecil III?
35:22Oh, you've answered that.
35:23Yeah.
35:24Yes, yes, the slangers.
35:25He was the original Bob in Bob's Your Uncle.
35:27Yes.
35:28What about Fanny?
35:29I don't think we've got time, have we?
35:32LAUGHTER
35:34There's a woman put her hand up in the front row.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:39She's your aunt.
35:41Bob's your uncle, Fanny's your aunt, but nobody knows why.
35:43Oh, no, nobody knows why.
35:44Nobody knows what that's named after.
35:45Right.
35:46Do you know what Lord Salisbury did do in his spare time?
35:48He liked to ride his tricycle through St James's Park
35:52in a purple velvet poncho with a footman to push him up the hills.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:58That's Theresa May brought into the English language.
36:00Her great catchphrase has now become the slang, which is,
36:03Brexit means Brexit.
36:04Kids playing football started using the phrase Brexit.
36:07Oh, yeah, I did see that.
36:09And it was a particularly vicious tackle.
36:11It means a no-nonsense, full-blooded tackle
36:13with little to no regard for the consequence...
36:16LAUGHTER
36:17..of a mess left behind.
36:19LAUGHTER
36:21Whilst we're talking about football, Ian,
36:23did you see the Australian politician Peter Dutton
36:26do on a football pitch this week?
36:27No.
36:28There you go.
36:29Up there.
36:35Oh, got him!
36:36LAUGHTER
36:37Yes!
36:38We'll get your boots off.
36:39LAUGHTER
36:44LAUGHTER
36:45APPLAUSE
36:46They've all inspired slang words apart from a kitten,
36:50which has inspired a new word added to the Oxford English Dictionary.
36:56Another new addition comes from South Africa and it's the word Moggy,
37:00meaning an extremely irrational person who is out of touch with reality,
37:04as in Jacob Rees Moggy.
37:07It's time now for the Missing Words round,
37:09which this week features, as its guest publication, Keyboard Cavalcade,
37:14the magazine for home keyboard players.
37:16Electric keyboards can sound like any instrument
37:19and come with dozens of different settings.
37:21My favourite is off.
37:23LAUGHTER
37:25And they start with...
37:27Torval and Dean reveal they are addicted to what?
37:30Off you go.
37:31LAUGHTER
37:33Feels like libel payouts is the ultimate argument.
37:36LAUGHTER
37:37Licking the ice and making your tongue stick to it.
37:40LAUGHTER
37:43You're not a million miles away.
37:45Oh!
37:46Putting other body parts on the ice and making them stick to it.
37:49LAUGHTER
37:52They're addicted to ice baths.
37:55You should watch out, they can make your boleros shrink.
37:58LAUGHTER
38:01Next, the most annoying thing you can do on a train journey is what?
38:06Blindfold the driver.
38:07LAUGHTER
38:09The answer is nothing.
38:11Hmm.
38:12This is a TikToker whose list of rudest commuting behaviour
38:15is topped by someone just staring at you.
38:18I completely agree, especially when they follow it up with,
38:20come on, sir, where's your ticket?
38:22LAUGHTER
38:23Next, if you're into keyboards and are looking for a new experience,
38:27come down to Chipperfield Baptist Church where we'll be what?
38:31Reviving the dead to the popular sounds of Chas and Dave,
38:34the 80s popular duo.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:37I'll take that.
38:38LAUGHTER
38:41They'll be activating the organ's hand-pumping mechanism.
38:45Oh.
38:46Wow.
38:47I couldn't have been more wrong.
38:48LAUGHTER
38:49Next, those attending Bournemouth Library's what?
38:52Must sit on a towel.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54I know this one, I saw this one.
38:56Those attending Bournemouth Library's annual
38:58Cack Your Pants for Charity Day...
39:00LAUGHTER
39:02LAUGHTER
39:04LAUGHTER
39:06Must sit on a towel.
39:08LAUGHTER
39:09It's health and safety.
39:10You're mad.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:12It's a nude writing workshop.
39:14Ooh.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:17Next, woman who what, to see what it was like, ends up what?
39:23Woman who tried running for Tory leader to see what it was like
39:26ends up hating every minute of it.
39:28LAUGHTER
39:30APPLAUSE
39:32APPLAUSE
39:34A woman who dropped a suitcase on her foot to see what it was like
39:37ended up breaking her foot.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40This is a woman from Cumbria who broke her foot after deliberately
39:42dropping a full suitcase on it to see if it would hurt as part
39:45of a TikTok trend.
39:46She ended up with a bad case of TikTok toe.
39:48Hey!
39:49LAUGHTER
39:51Next, every edition of Keyboard Cavalcade sees Tom Horton what?
39:56Uh, take his clothes off on page three.
39:59LAUGHTER
40:01Expanding the definition of human misery.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:04He offers up his tips and twiddles.
40:06LAUGHTER
40:08If you want to see Tom showing off his tips and twiddles on his organ,
40:11be very, very careful how you Google that.
40:13LAUGHTER
40:14Next, Emmanuel Macron won't leave the house without wearing what?
40:18A supercilious grin.
40:20LAUGHTER
40:21Wearing out his wife's patience.
40:23LAUGHTER
40:25Wearing out his wife's pants.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28It's scent.
40:29I read this story.
40:30He wears a huge amount of, um, scent.
40:32Does he?
40:33Cheeky devil.
40:34It's called cologne when it's men.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:38And the answer is an industrial quantity of cologne.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:42According to insiders, Emmanuel Macron wears a lot of aftershave
40:45as a way of marking his territory.
40:47LAUGHTER
40:48Donald Trump just pees in the corner.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:52APPLAUSE
40:53Next, what is as tall as an emperor penguin
40:58with the poundage of a newborn horse?
41:01I think it's the average rat in Birmingham.
41:04LAUGHTER
41:05Could it be Kim Jong-un?
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09The world's largest cream egg!
41:14And here it is, this massive chocolate cream egg!
41:18Oh, wow!
41:19Yes!
41:20How do they get the top off so neatly?
41:22It's very neat, isn't it?
41:23And that filling in the top, I'm not convinced.
41:25I think it's a fake.
41:26Ooh!
41:28LAUGHTER
41:30Is that just a groan of desire?
41:32LAUGHTER
41:34And finally, theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical
41:37surprised to discover what?
41:38It's not simply the best.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:41Theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised to discover
41:43the musical is actually about a man who rotates fish.
41:46LAUGHTER
41:48LAUGHTER
41:49That's right, a tuna-turner.
41:52APPLAUSE
41:53Tina Turner would not be starring.
41:57LAUGHTER
41:58Tina Turner sadly no longer with us,
42:00but the theatre in London felt obliged to offer
42:02the following disclaimer.
42:03Please note that Tina Turner will not be appearing
42:05in this production.
42:07And I've also got some bad news for anyone who's got tickets
42:09to see Richard III.
42:10LAUGHTER
42:12So, the final scores.
42:15Aw.
42:16Ian and Ian have caught up handsomely with four,
42:18but Paul and Helen still smashing it with five.
42:21Oh, well done.
42:22APPLAUSE
42:24But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:31King Charles is third in line, a tried drink that turns you
42:33into a bald man wearing glasses.
42:35LAUGHTER
42:37On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ian Smith,
42:42Paul Merton and Helen Lewis.
42:44And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment for the King
42:47as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil and he is simply visiting
42:50a curtain factory.
42:52LAUGHTER
42:57At Mar-a-Lago, there are fears that Donald Trump may be sleepwalking again.
43:01LAUGHTER
43:06And there's controversy in the latter stages of the Champions League
43:09as Borussia Dortmund introduce a new striker with a unique genetic advantage.
43:14LAUGHTER
43:19Good night.
43:20APPLAUSE
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