Have I Got News for You S69 E02
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Martin Clunes.
00:42In the news this week, the latest AI humanoid goes home
00:45after experiencing its first happy hour at Wetherspoons.
00:55Following sweeping welfare reforms,
00:57there are fears the government's new fitness to work assessment
00:59could be too physically challenging.
01:07And as Donald Trump's trade policy collapses into chaos,
01:10government economists in The Herd and McDonald Islands
01:13frantically try to make sense of it all.
01:22On Ian's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:24who played Noah's son in the BBC drama The Ark,
01:27telling the biblical story of when humanity
01:29was on the brink of total disaster.
01:31But, of course, he can put all that behind him now.
01:34Please welcome Ian Smith.
01:37APPLAUSE
01:42On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:44who says the greatest privilege in journalism
01:46is to go to places, witness history and write it down.
01:49And tell that to the poor sod who's following Ed Davies campaign trail.
01:54LAUGHTER
01:55Please welcome Helen Lewis.
01:56APPLAUSE
02:01And so we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:04Ian and Ian, here's yours.
02:05Hooray! The world's going to end.
02:10That's HS2.
02:14That's the Chinese telling Trump where he can go.
02:17Bit of smoke.
02:19That's how slow car production is now in the UK.
02:22The trouble is, anything could have happened by the time we go out.
02:26Or, indeed, by the time I finish this sentence.
02:29LAUGHTER
02:30His reactions change so rapidly that, you know, the story's gone.
02:35And all his supporters have to justify it.
02:37Which is the good bit.
02:39Because he says, they say, Trump's going to stand firm,
02:41he's not going to change, he's got a spine, he's not going to buckle...
02:44Whoa!
02:45He's gone.
02:47And then they say it was his plan all along.
02:48Yeah.
02:50They had this thing a couple of weeks ago when the new phrase was
02:51Trust in Trump until somebody pointed out what the initials stand for.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Stop saying it.
02:58Stop saying it.
03:00And whenever I hear it now, I think it's President Truss.
03:03Because...
03:05He's done the same thing.
03:06Yes.
03:07He was claiming his tariff splurge was working right up until Wednesday.
03:10Let's have a look.
03:12I'm telling you, these countries are calling us up.
03:14Kissing my ass.
03:16They are...
03:17They are dying to make a deal.
03:19Please, please, sir, make a deal.
03:20I'll do anything.
03:21I'll do anything, sir.
03:23Oh!
03:25How has he got his hair so rectangular there?
03:27It's like he's done it in a jelly mould or something.
03:30I think that's evening hair.
03:32LAUGHTER
03:33When I heard him talk about Liberation Day,
03:34I kept thinking it was Liberace Day.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:41He's incredibly campy.
03:42He's got small hands and he's really...
03:45He's really bitchy.
03:47Who would love that, though?
03:48Sorry.
03:49I thought I just saw Egan attempting to impersonate Liberace.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:57Sorry, Mr Merton, it's time to take you away now.
03:59It is.
04:00The world's turned upside down.
04:02Honestly, to boast about other countries coming and crawling to you
04:06and kissing arse...
04:08I mean, yes, he is an arse, but...
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12It's really frustrating for us as well because we...
04:15We kissed his arse before anyone else did.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18That was all we had to brag, is that we were on 10%.
04:21Now everyone's on 10%.
04:22Yeah.
04:23Could have at least put us on, like, 9.5%.
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28Yeah, the bloody penguins are on 10% and they didn't even offer up their king.
04:31Yeah.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:38APPLAUSE
04:39But the penguins are wearing suits.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:46Thank you very much.
04:47Anybody know how Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leavitt,
04:50described his tough negotiating stance?
04:52Didn't she say it was the art of the deal?
04:54She said,
04:55President Trump has a spine of steel and he will not break.
04:59And a few hours later, do you know what Trump said?
05:0225% on steel.
05:04LAUGHTER
05:05You have to have flexibility.
05:07LAUGHTER
05:12It was just totally incoherent.
05:14I think that he's taking credit for reversing one of the most
05:16catastrophic decisions in the history of the American presidency.
05:19Yeah.
05:20It's like the fireman who comes in and says,
05:22OK, I set fire to the place, but look, I'm putting it out now.
05:26I wonder how Liberace would deal with a house.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31I wonder what that would look like.
05:33Your house is on fire.
05:35Yeah.
05:37And now I'm watching you do Liberace.
05:39Yeah.
05:40And nobody recognised who it was.
05:42Do you know how his team put a spin on his blinking port?
05:45Liberace? I've no idea.
05:47They just thought, they said, oh, it's probably...
05:49They come up with all this nonsense about how he's some genius or something
05:52instead of having the intelligence of a brick.
05:55He plays fourth dimensional chess or something somebody said at one point.
05:58Trolling to one Trump insider,
06:00some people seem to think Trump's playing chess,
06:02when most of the time the staff are just trying to stop him from eating the pieces.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07Do you know who might be getting out of the US before things get too tough?
06:17The entire population.
06:20It's Percy Pig.
06:22Percy's handlers, Marks and Spencers, are worried that bags of gelatinous chew
06:26will break the $4 mark and stop the Americans buying them.
06:29So they're thinking of pulling Percy out.
06:30I did that at a party once, then I still regret it.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Moving on.
06:41The equation for working out the tariffs has been ridiculed as childish.
06:44How did Trump's team try and enhance the credibility of their calculations?
06:49They put Greek letters in it, on the basis that looks kind of fancy.
06:52They did. Let's have a look.
06:54Yeah.
06:56Which is either a very complex formula or the name of Elon Musk's youngest.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:08They've actually put President Xi's name in there.
07:11I know!
07:13Xi minus...
07:14Me?
07:16I mean, you say Trump and Xi, I'm sure it's just a coincidence
07:18that there's also two arseholes in there.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:28Ian, here's a question for you.
07:29Which, Ian?
07:31What? You!
07:32Oh.
07:33Any will do.
07:35We should have nicknames.
07:36Have you ever heard a nickname?
07:38I have.
07:39The accused.
07:41APPLAUSE
07:43Yeah.
07:44What's a panican?
07:45Well, yesterday I googled what is a tariff, so I don't think I...
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51It's one of Trump's jokes.
07:52Is it a panicking Republican?
07:53There you go.
07:54In his own words, it's a new party based on weak and stupid people.
07:59Which he isn't leading, to be clear.
08:00LAUGHTER
08:01It's meant to be a play on the word Republican.
08:02It doesn't work on any level.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Do you want to hear another Trump joke?
08:05Yeah, go on.
08:06Well, I don't think I've heard one yet, but...
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08White House gardeners have had to cut down a magnolia tree
08:10planted by President Andrew Jackson around 1830.
08:26And it was replaced with a new sapling which Trump has called
08:29The Maganolia Tree.
08:31You see?
08:32The 200-year-old magnolia tree that that replaced has seen a lot
08:34of presidential history.
08:36Andrew Jackson planted it.
08:38FDR sat in its shade.
08:40And Joe Biden walked into it eight times.
08:42LAUGHTER
08:48The Republican whip, Tom Emmer, speaking at a Republican dinner,
08:52summed up how everyone's feeling about Trump now.
08:55President Trump is counting on it!
08:57LAUGHTER
08:59APPLAUSE
09:03So, this is Donald Trump's pause in tariffs for everyone but China.
09:10Trump's tariffs policy has been strongly defended by the White House
09:13press secretary, Caroline Leavitt.
09:15Apparently, the only other candidate for the job was Ron Take It
09:18and Bob Leggett.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22Some of the highest tariffs have been imposed on Vietnam,
09:25Cambodia and Thailand, threatening the jobs of millions of children.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:30The UK is now considering putting tariffs on US products,
09:34including American toilet seats.
09:36Apparently, they're number two export.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40Yeah.
09:42Paul and Helen, here's yours.
09:44Yes, this is a man dressed as a rat.
09:46This is the sad situation in Birmingham at the moment.
09:49Oh, there's a 1928 cartoon suggesting that rats are pouring into
09:53Birmingham, which they are.
09:55So, yes, this has been going on now, how long is it, a month?
09:57A month now, yeah, and they declared...
09:59A state of emergency is probably overselling it slightly,
10:02but they certainly invoked emergency powers.
10:04Major incident.
10:05There we go.
10:06January, I think, it started.
10:07Oh, did it?
10:08Yes.
10:09It's all a bit serious, isn't it?
10:11It's been horrible.
10:1223,000 tonnes of festering rubbish.
10:14But on the plus side, only Fools and Horses,
10:16the musicals, aren't the Birmingham Hippodrome.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:20Someone suggested they should bring in the army.
10:23It does sound like the beginning of one of those adverts where they say,
10:27if you can collect a bin, you can drive a tank.
10:31Yeah.
10:32Collecting rubbish isn't actually as straightforward as you might think,
10:34at least not judging by this man.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:46According to The Sun, the streets were being invaded by rats the size of cats.
10:50The Eye newspaper said locals had reported seeing rats the size of cats.
10:54And you guessed it, the Daily Mail said the city was being overrun
10:57by rats the size of baby monkeys.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:00They just need to send in cats the size of dogs.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:05APPLAUSE
11:10Let's take a look at how agency bin men drafted in to replace those on strike
11:15reacted when they saw a rat.
11:17LAUGHTER
11:20LAUGHTER
11:22APPLAUSE
11:24Here comes the big one.
11:26Wes Streeting has said that the situation needs to be resolved
11:33as people's health is now at risk.
11:36Did anybody hear him on Radio 4's Today programme this week?
11:39Oh.
11:40Here he is, shedding some light on a major issue of the day
11:42in an interview with Nick Robinson.
11:44Forgive me, this has been turning into a party election broadcast before
11:47and I want to ask you some questions...
11:48No, it's not, Nick.
11:49It's reporting back to people on what we're actually doing.
11:51Let's report back on the reality.
11:52Is there a shortage of...
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54Forgive me.
11:55So that's cleared that up.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:57So this is the news that the streets of Birmingham are piled high
11:59with rat-infested bin bags blocking pavements.
12:01In fact, it's so bad that Lenny Henry can't get out of his Premier Inn.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:17The Mail Online gave this graphic illustration of how bad the rat problem is.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:23It's not the best way to sell a glove on eBay, is it?
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27People who like this item also like this.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:33Yes.
12:34There's time now for round two.
12:35Oh, yes.
12:36And with the news that over-fishing may lead to a shortage of mackerel,
12:40what better time to employ the fishing rod of news?
12:43Yes.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45Fingers on buzzers, teams.
12:47Yep.
12:48BUZZER
12:52Well, the float doesn't even match the one that you've got there.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56They're Universal, they're going to build a big, sort of like,
12:59multi-acre park in Bedford, somewhere near Luton Airport.
13:02It's going to take six years to build, but it's going to create
13:0428,000 jobs.
13:05Kier Stummer tried to make a joke.
13:07He said, when people said getting into politics would be a rollercoaster,
13:11I didn't think they meant like this.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:14Jesus Christ.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17He also said, it's going to put Bedford on the map.
13:20Mm.
13:21Which is news to maps, I think.
13:23LAUGHTER
13:24What did you get there?
13:26The Guardian suggested the park could feature a Minions-themed ride
13:29called the loop-de-doo-deep.
13:31Doop-dee.
13:32Do you know what you're saying?
13:34LAUGHTER
13:35Just reading out this collection of letters.
13:37Yeah.
13:38It's annoying that we're going to have a Minions-themed rollercoaster
13:40before HS2 is completed.
13:42LAUGHTER
13:43I read an article that said one of Universal's biggest films
13:48was Oppenheimer.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Oh!
13:51If you want an Oppenheimer theme park, just nuke Bedford.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:56They're expecting 8.5 million visitors in the first year.
14:01Here's an artist's impression of what the park will look like.
14:04I don't want to alarm you, but one of the bits at the top of it is on fire.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10The BBC News went down there to have a look.
14:12Let's see how the builders are getting on.
14:14Yes, I'm standing on the site, as you can see.
14:17There's a big pile of bricks behind me.
14:19I'm standing in some brick rubble.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:23The Tourism Minister, Chris Bryant, responded to the news by saying,
14:28This will be absolutely transformational for the British
14:31tourism industry if we manage to pull it off.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:36What's the particularly good news for the locals of Bedford?
14:39Jobs.
14:40A train station?
14:42They haven't promised that, but they have promised a dedicated
14:45slip road off the A41.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49As local MP Chris Curtis said,
14:51They say dreams only come true in Hollywood...
14:54LAUGHTER
14:55..but soon you will just need to take the A421 to Bedford.
14:59APPLAUSE
15:05And whilst we're on the subject of the A421,
15:07does anybody know what its claim to fame is?
15:09It was once the location of the fastest speeding incident
15:12ever recorded by British police when a man from Leamington Spa
15:15was filmed travelling at 157mph on the Tindwick bypass.
15:20Was he in a car?
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23In other news...
15:24What was Boris Johnson filmed doing with an ostrich this week?
15:27BUZZER
15:28BUZZER
15:29No.
15:30BUZZER
15:31BUZZER
15:32BUZZER
15:33Are you going to show it?
15:35Yeah.
15:36Yeah, go on.
15:37BUZZER
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15:46BUZZER
15:47Really, some people never forget Brexit.
15:49BUZZER
15:50BUZZER
15:51Let's hope that ostrich has had its jabs.
15:53BUZZER
15:54BUZZER
15:55BUZZER
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15:57BUZZER
15:58His wife posted that.
15:59Mm.
16:00It's called a vendetta.
16:01BUZZER
16:02BUZZER
16:03BUZZER
16:04BUZZER
16:05Last week we had footage of a woman being attacked by an ostrich.
16:08Do you think they've sort of just copied that idea?
16:10Oh, yes, come on, Carrie, let's go fight an ostrich and do a funny clip.
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16:53are happening that day. They haven't happened for a few hundred years.
16:57And he got to meet the Pope as well, which was quite something.
17:00It's a big 20th wedding anniversary present, meeting the Pope.
17:03That's what they were out there for, 20th wedding anniversary.
17:06Usually 20th is China, but the tariffs are so high now.
17:14Very good.
17:16They met Georgia Maloney, the Prime Minister.
17:18They walked past some massive guards. We're all whoppers.
17:22Look at them.
17:24Loads of them.
17:26There was incredible video footage of them listening to the National Anthem
17:29from behind a hedge.
17:31Do you have that? I mean, they look like a sort of naughty seaside postcard.
17:34You can just see the top of them peeking over. It's delightful.
17:37We do have that clip.
17:39Yeah.
17:40That's all that's inside.
17:42successfully!
17:43Good point.
17:44See you, Guy.
17:46It looks as though that is.
17:51Looking for a look thank you.
17:54It could be a Tofu Tribute.
17:56Do you think they forgot to get dressed or something?
18:00Yes!
18:01And just, quick, get on the balcony now.
18:02King Charles presented Italy's President Mattarella
18:05with the Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the Bath.
18:09And Camilla was given a margarita pizza.
18:13Which is named after Queen Margherita of Italy.
18:17I think a lot of their pizzas are named after royals,
18:20like Prince Sloppy Giuseppe.
18:23It's weird seeing a royal have a pizza, I think.
18:27Why? You ever thinking of Prince Andrew?
18:30LAUGHTER
18:38The King also enjoyed another visit recently.
18:40The London Vegetable Orchestra came to see him at Windsor Castle.
18:43Yes, yes. And he played the carrot.
18:45He did. Let's take a look at that.
18:47Yeah.
19:00One is a reminder of Keir Starmer's relationship with Donald Trump.
19:06LAUGHTER
19:13He's game, though, isn't he? Yeah, he is.
19:16How many other heads of state would play a carrot?
19:19Yeah, if you presented Donald Trump with a holiday aubergine,
19:22he wouldn't get a tune out of it.
19:23And that's why Britain is still great.
19:25Yeah.
19:27APPLAUSE
19:29Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:31This is the royal visit to Rome.
19:33The Queen told reporters that the secret to a lasting marriage
19:36was laughing at the same thing.
19:38Like Meghan's new Netflix show.
19:40LAUGHTER
19:42During their state visit, the King and Queen had an audience
19:45with His Holiness at the Vatican.
19:47Although there was an awkward moment when Camilla nipped out for a fag
19:49and the crowd thought they'd elected a new pope.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:55Time now for the odd one-out round.
19:57Just one between you this week.
19:58Your four are...
20:00A hawk in Flamstead.
20:02A pilot flying from L.A. to Shanghai.
20:05Sir Lindsay Hoyle.
20:07And a tunnock's tea cake.
20:08The hawk has been attacking people.
20:11Yeah. Apparently.
20:12He attacked the same man twice, didn't he?
20:15Yes.
20:16I come from the north, I once saw a man throw a pigeon
20:18at another man like a weapon.
20:20LAUGHTER
20:23Just as a side note.
20:24So, come on, what's the odd one-out?
20:26Well, has the pilot also been flying at the same person?
20:29LAUGHTER
20:32The tunnocked tea cakes have just been allowed back on planes.
20:35When I was younger, they weren't allowed on planes
20:37because everybody thought they blew up.
20:39Did they have gelignite in them?
20:41What, back then, was it, like, lower food standards?
20:43And one of the ingredients is Semtex.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:47No, sir, I haven't made that up, have I?
20:49No, you haven't.
20:50They've been on the RAF's no-fly list since 1965,
20:53when a tunnock's tea cake on board a nuclear bomber exploded
20:57and sprayed marshmallow all over the pilot's cockpit.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:04Well, they are flying again, and Lindsay Hoyle is the speaker.
21:08He's defending...
21:10..going around in private jets and taking a lot of flights.
21:13So, it's about who's allowed to fly.
21:15Yeah.
21:16I think the Hawk's been captured, so...
21:17That's right.
21:18..it doesn't fly any more.
21:19Yeah.
21:20And pilots, even though they're stressed, they're still flying.
21:22Mm.
21:23No, they've all been prevented from flying,
21:25apart from Sir Lindsay Hoyle,
21:26who's been criticised for taking too many first-class flights.
21:29According to the Daily Mail,
21:31Lindsay Hoyle has billed taxpayers £250,000 for foreign trips
21:36in two years, including £180,000 on first- and business-class flights.
21:41And it's not just their flights he's enjoyed, are they?
21:43He's been charging for expensive meals and five-star hotels as well.
21:47One Freedom of Information request revealed that flights for a nine-day trip
21:51to South Africa in St Helena cost the taxpayer £21,300.
21:56Good grief.
21:57He sits in the restaurant going,
21:58Order!
22:03Do you know what the slogan they've come up with
22:05for the campaign against him?
22:07Just stop Hoyle.
22:08Yeah.
22:12How has he justified his flights?
22:14I like it.
22:15I think he said speakers in other countries
22:19have private jets on hand all the time.
22:22He told The Times,
22:23It's about using my power and influence to speak out
22:26because it's about speaking truth to power
22:28to the Chinese and to Russia, he shouted, from South Africa.
22:35The RAF have approved tonics tea cakes for flights
22:37after a series of rigorous tests
22:39in an altitude chamber in Bedfordshire.
22:42Oh, that could be a new thing.
22:44Could be a new thing.
22:45Could be a new thing.
22:46Could be a new thing.
22:47Could be a new thing.
22:48Not ride a tonic tea cake, explosive ride.
22:50Should we see what happens to a rapidly decompressed tonics tea cake?
22:52Oh, yeah.
22:53Come on.
22:54Stand by for rapid decompression in five, four, three, two, one, now.
22:59Oh!
23:00Whoa!
23:09Was this by any chance filmed on April the first?
23:11Do you want to know who invented the tonics tea cake?
23:16Was it tunic?
23:17It is.
23:18It is.
23:19Sir Archibald Boyd Tunic, who invented the tea cake in 1956.
23:22There he is.
23:23Look.
23:24He thought he'd invented contact lenses.
23:27His moustache just looks like he's eaten a tea cake really quickly.
23:33And how has the hawk in Flamstead been prevented from flying?
23:38The man who got attacked's wife has caught it.
23:40Yeah, he's been caught and taken in a sinister turn of phrase to undergo retraining.
23:45He's gone to live on a farm.
23:48He's gone to live on a farm.
23:50Why was a pilot flying from Los Angeles to Shanghai stopped from flying?
23:56Drunk.
23:57No.
23:58It wasn't a pilot.
24:00The plane had to make a U-turn two hours into the flight
24:03because the pilot didn't have his passport with him.
24:08The plane eventually landed at Shanghai's Pudong Airport six hours late,
24:11causing a bit of a ding-dong at Pudong.
24:13So they've all been prevented from flying except for Lindsay Hoyle,
24:20who's been flying too much.
24:22The village of Flamstead in Hertfordshire was left in terror
24:25after a spate of hawk attacks.
24:27According to The Telegraph, postmen stopped delivering mail
24:30and scaffolders left work unfinished.
24:32And then the hawk attacks began.
24:37The flight from LA to Shanghai was delayed for six hours,
24:40which irritated and annoyed most of the passengers,
24:42although it did give Lindsay Hoyle the chance to enjoy another cocktail
24:45in a cucumber face mask.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47It's time now for the missing words round,
24:49and we start with...
24:51Torval and Dean reveal they are addicted to what?
24:54Off you go.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:57Feels like libel payouts is the ultimate...
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01Licking the ice and making your tongue stick to it.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:06You're not a million miles away.
25:09Oh, putting other body parts on the ice and making them stick to it.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14They're addicted to ice baths.
25:19Next.
25:20Those attending Bournemouth Library's what must sit on a towel?
25:24I know this one. I saw this one.
25:26Those attending Bournemouth Library's annual Cack-Your-Pants-for-Charity Day...
25:30LAUGHTER
25:31..must sit on a towel.
25:35It's health and safety. You're mad.
25:39It's a nude writing workshop.
25:41Ooh.
25:42Oh.
25:43Next.
25:44Emmanuel Macron won't leave the house without wearing what?
25:47A supercilious grin.
25:49Wearing out his wife's patience.
25:50Oh!
25:51Wearing out his wife's pants.
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53It's scent.
25:54I read this story. He wears a huge amount of scent.
25:55Does he?
25:56Cheeky devil.
25:57It's called cologne when it's men.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59And the answer is an industrial quantity of cologne.
26:15According to insiders, Emmanuel Macron wears a lot of aftershave as a way of marking his territory.
26:22Donald Trump just pees in the corner.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:29And finally, theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised to discover what?
26:33It's not simply the best.
26:35LAUGHTER
26:36Theatre-goers at a Tina Turner musical surprised to discover the musical is actually about a man who rotates fish.
26:41LAUGHTER
26:46That's right, a tuna-turner.
26:47Yes, yes.
26:49Tina Turner would not be starring.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:54Tina Turner sadly no longer with us, but the theatre in London felt obliged to offer the following disclaimer.
26:58Please note that Tina Turner will not be appearing in this production.
27:02And I've also got some bad news for anyone who's got tickets to see Richard III.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:09So, the final scores.
27:10Aw.
27:11Ian and Ian have caught up handsomely with four, but Paul and Helen still smashing it with five.
27:16Oh, well done.
27:17APPLAUSE
27:22But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:25King Charles is third in line to try a drink that turns you into a bald man wearing glasses.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:30On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Ian Smith, Paul Merton and Helen Lewis.
27:39And I leave you with news that there's a deflating moment for the King as it's explained that he has nothing to unveil and is simply visiting a curtain factory.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:52At Mar-a-Lago, there are fears that Donald Trump may be sleepwalking again.
27:56LAUGHTER
28:01And there's controversy in the latter stages of the Champions League as Borussia Dortmund introduce a new striker with a unique genetic advantage.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:14Good night.
28:16APPLAUSE
28:17With guests from David Letterman to Louis Theroux, there's plenty to learn and laugh about in the Adam Buxton podcast, the perfect company no matter what your plans this weekend.
28:37Listen now on Sounds.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:40Thank you, God.
28:41Thank you for