Have I Got News for You S69 E03
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00:00.
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Catherine Parkinson.
00:41In the news this week, Ed Davey regrets agreeing to a photo op
00:45that represents Lib Dem's sensible middle cause between left and right.
00:48In London, there's an unfortunate first outing in front of the press
01:01for the newly appointed junior minister for sport.
01:11And in Manchester, the sun shines for the second day in a row.
01:18LAUGHTER
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a journalist with the Financial Times
01:26who once hosted a podcast called A Skeptic's Guide to Crypto,
01:30for which she was paid an absolute fortune and which is now worth 25p.
01:34Please welcome Jemima Kelly.
01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38And on Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor
01:44better placed than most to assess the current Labour government,
01:47appearing as he has in several high-profile pantomimes.
01:51Please welcome Julian Clary.
01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:54Could have been well.
01:58We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:01Ian and Jemima, here's yours.
02:05Steelworks, management burning all the records.
02:08Get him in!
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10Angela Rayner looking charming in a hard hat.
02:12That's she-waving.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:15We've taken back control over the steel industry, haven't we?
02:20We have.
02:21British steel is British once more.
02:24Except it's owned by the Chinese.
02:26Except not...
02:26Yeah.
02:27And then we had to recall Parliament.
02:29They worked on a Saturday, the MPs.
02:31Mm.
02:31And it worked.
02:33Apparently that was the first time since the Falklands War
02:35that they did that on a Saturday.
02:37Really?
02:37Which is really quite a long time.
02:40I was abused that Jonathan Reynolds went up to Immingham
02:43to see all this stuff being, you know, taken off ships
02:46in order, apparently, to make Britain, you know, self-reliant.
02:50And all this stuff had apparently come in from, like,
02:52Japan, America and Australia, I think.
02:56Yeah, but it's British in the sense that
02:58we import it from other countries,
03:00we take it to a plant owned by the Chinese,
03:03then we do something or other...
03:05Shall we put Made in Britain on it?
03:07Yes.
03:07And it's virgin steel.
03:09That sounds like a Jilly Cooper novel.
03:12Are you in it?
03:14Not yet.
03:16Yeah, you're right.
03:17This is the government's rescue of the British steel industry
03:21in the nick of time.
03:22The Chinese owners appeared to be actively running down
03:25the blast furnaces at Statenpool.
03:26Have you only proof of that?
03:28Um, no.
03:29What were the...
03:30I think that's a disgraceful accusation.
03:34They were...
03:36The Chinese management were trying to close it down
03:38without anyone noticing.
03:40And the government had to step in.
03:42It was...
03:43It was quite exciting.
03:45What was the proof you have of that?
03:47Oh, I have proof, yeah.
03:49I'm...
03:50I was invited into a Chinese security WhatsApp group.
03:53I'm also on that group!
03:56It's all very educational, isn't it?
03:58Yeah, yeah.
03:59I'm glad I came.
04:00Why is it all so touch-and-go in Scunthorpe?
04:05Because if you let the steelworks stop,
04:08then you can't start them again.
04:09That's right.
04:10It would be incredibly difficult to restart them.
04:13The molten steel would cool down and solidify in a big lump.
04:17So, in order to prevent this,
04:19according to the Times,
04:20a hole must be drilled in the bottom of the furnace
04:23so the slag can run off.
04:27That does sound like the plot of a Jilly Cooper.
04:30That one I'll be in.
04:34With Danny Dyer, you slag.
04:38Do you remember Rishi Sunak?
04:41Yes.
04:41Yes.
04:42Yes, we do, yes.
04:43Yes.
04:43Yes.
04:4315 people, including Rishi Sunak's personal aide,
04:47have been charged with gambling offences.
04:48Oh, yes.
04:49Oh, yes.
04:49Yeah.
04:50After allegedly placing bets
04:51on the timing of last year's general election.
04:54They haven't been charged with betting on the Tories
04:56to lose the election,
04:56as that information was already in the public domain.
05:01Here is Sunak's aide, Craig Williams,
05:03being doorstepped by BBC News.
05:06Did you have inside information
05:07when you placed your bet on the election date?
05:09I made a statement.
05:10It's an independent process
05:12with the Gambling Commission Act.
05:13I won't be expanding on that statement.
05:15Did you have any inside information
05:17when you made the bet?
05:17I clearly made a huge error of judgment.
05:20He's clearly not doing very well.
05:22He's had to sell the sleeves to his jacket.
05:25Well, that's a gilet,
05:27which is another error of judgment.
05:29Yeah, yeah.
05:32That's true.
05:37Do you remember Liz Truss?
05:40No.
05:42What has she just announced?
05:45She's going to start
05:46her own social media business.
05:49We'll see how long that lasts.
05:50Yeah.
05:52That's right.
05:53She's launching her own social media platform
05:55that will be completely uncensored.
05:58She told a political action conference in Washington,
06:01we've seen what independent media
06:03has done for the United States
06:04and we want some of them.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:06You've probably never heard of Andrew Griffith.
06:10Andrew Griffith?
06:11Andy!
06:11Oh.
06:13Do you know him?
06:13Yeah, Andy Griffith.
06:14Yeah, lovely.
06:15You might have heard what you said
06:16about the Lib Dems recently.
06:17Yeah.
06:18Oh, can we see a picture of him?
06:19Yeah.
06:21Oh.
06:21Everything I hoped for.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24It's the sort of face you could turn upside down
06:30and it would still work as a face.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34He was asked if the Conservatives would do a deal
06:40with extremists in the Reform Party
06:42and he said, Lib Dems are extremists.
06:45When their councillors get in,
06:46they promote four-day weeks and veganism.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:49An outrageous slur
06:51and here's the evidence to prove it.
06:54There's this guy.
06:55He's called President Trump
06:56and he's messing with our trade
06:58and he's hurting us.
07:00Liberal Democrats say,
07:01fight back.
07:02Bye.
07:03British and so I'm here
07:05in the Highlands in Scotland
07:06and I'm saying,
07:07buy square sausage.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10Have you ever had a square sausage?
07:13LAUGHTER
07:14Between me and my husband.
07:18Yeah, yeah.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:19Why does Ed Davis have to say,
07:22Hurt-in?
07:24I was really focused on his dancing, actually.
07:28I thought he was being tasered.
07:30That was dancing, was it?
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33Do you want to see another of Ed Davis's attempts?
07:40No.
07:40I don't think we've had enough.
07:41You know his career,
07:42you're going to see it as a serious politician.
07:44Here we go.
07:44I've got an in.
07:45Hi, guys.
07:46I'm here in Shrewsbury Market.
07:49It's a bigly market.
07:50It's doing great stuff.
07:51Come and buy your things from here.
07:53But you know that guy,
07:55President Trump,
07:56he's been panicking the markets.
07:57We're not panicking here.
07:59We're buying British.
08:01In Shrewsbury.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03Wow.
08:06What's the matter with him?
08:07No.
08:09He did it again.
08:10Pan-a-kin.
08:12It's like a ramekin.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:14He may be from the provinces.
08:17Yeah.
08:19How are the Labour Council of Birmingham
08:22doing with the bin strike?
08:24Not well.
08:25Yeah, not too well.
08:26It's still going on.
08:27And the rats are now 17 feet.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32The veteran war correspondent Kate Adie
08:36had more bad news for Birmingham this week.
08:38What was that?
08:39She's going to visit.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:41No, the BBC had a secret list
08:47of the most disliked accents
08:48and Brummie comes top.
08:50Aw.
08:50Do you agree?
08:51Do you like the Birmingham accent?
08:51I don't.
08:52I actually...
08:53I'm a fan.
08:54I like a Birmingham accent.
08:56It sounds like they're underwater, doesn't it?
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59Yeah.
09:00Actually, I do have a Brummie joke for you.
09:05What do you call a Brummie
09:06who installs TV aerials?
09:10Antennae.
09:17My answer's on a postcard.
09:19Antony.
09:21Antony.
09:22Antennae.
09:23Oh.
09:24OK.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:27There's another Brummie joke,
09:29sort of...
09:30I went to a fancy dress party
09:31and the theme was spice,
09:32so I went as this red pepper
09:34and everybody else went as an astronaut.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:37LAUGHTER
09:37SPICE, SPICE, SPICE.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:42LAUGHTER
09:43Red pepper isn't a spice, then.
09:45I know, I couldn't think of that.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48LAUGHTER
09:49Let yourself down there.
09:50Yeah, let yourself...
09:51Right.
09:52What shall I have said?
09:53Well, cumin or something.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:56I went to a fancy dress party the other day
09:59and the theme was spice,
10:01so I went as a cumin.
10:02LAUGHTER
10:03And when I went to the door,
10:05they said, cumin.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06APPLAUSE
10:07This is the government's rescue
10:12of Scunthorpe steelworks
10:14just before the plant's furnaces were shut down.
10:16Following a speech to steelworkers
10:18who had somehow kept the furnaces
10:20at their plant going,
10:21Keir Starmer received a standing ovation,
10:24mainly because they'd had to burn all the chairs.
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27Business secretary Jonathan Reynolds
10:29has had to formally apologise
10:31after wrongly referring to himself
10:33as an ex-solicitor.
10:36You have to be accurate about these things,
10:37said former world snooker champion Rachel Reeves.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:41Paul and Julian, here's yours.
10:45Right.
10:45Oh, blimey.
10:48Geoff, is it Geoff?
10:49Geoff Bezos and Rocket going up into the air
10:51and it's...
10:52Katy Perry.
10:53Katy Perry kissing the ground
10:54and there's Amazon delivering.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58Personally.
11:00So what do you think this is, Julian?
11:01I think this is to do with the trip up in a rocket,
11:05which they were very excited about.
11:07Overexcited, some would say.
11:09Yeah, there was a lot of screaming
11:10as they were coming down about the parachute.
11:13But very excited.
11:14That's right, yeah, this is the news
11:16that for an all-too-brief 11 minutes,
11:18Katy Perry was blasted into space.
11:21LAUGHTER
11:22What was notable about the Blue Origin space flight?
11:27Well, it's the first all-female crew
11:29to go technically into outer space.
11:31Which I think is a nice idea.
11:32I'm going to get on to that, Geoff,
11:34and see if we couldn't have an all-homosexual flight.
11:36LAUGHTER
11:37Who would you have going?
11:39It would be me, Craig Revel-Hallwood...
11:41Yeah.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:43Christopher Biggins.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:45Yeah, you can't go to space without Christopher Biggins.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48And Alan Titchmarsh.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:51APPLAUSE
11:52I don't think Alan Titchmarsh is homosexual.
11:59He will be by the time we come down.
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02What, in 11 minutes?
12:08The rocket won't be the only thing making a re-entry,
12:10I can tell you that right.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12Owned by billionaire Amazon owner Geoff Bezos...
12:17Bozos, I think, is my answer.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19It was the first all-female space flight since 1963.
12:23Oh, yes.
12:24Passengers included Geoff Bezos's fiancée, Lauren Sanchez,
12:27and singer Katy Perry.
12:29They were weightless for four minutes.
12:31Let's see them.
12:32Oh, the moon!
12:34You guys, I have to tell you, look at the moon!
12:37That's amazing.
12:43Was that a butterfly?
12:44That was her set list for her forthcoming tour,
12:46which she happened to take the opportunity to publicise.
12:49Yes.
12:50There was a very good report of them.
12:52They said all of them screamed,
12:54Gosh, I can see the moon!
12:56And the report ended,
12:57Wait till they go outside when they get home!
13:00LAUGHTER
13:03What did Gayle King, US Morning Show host and a nervous flyer,
13:08say as she emerged from the capsule after landing back on Earth?
13:11I'm so glad to be back on Earth.
13:12Yeah.
13:13She said,
13:14I would just like to have a moment with the ground.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17We've all been there.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21Gail King was quite offended afterwards that people were calling it a ride.
13:28She said, this is not a ride.
13:30You know, and Katy Perry said the same thing.
13:31She said, a ride makes it sound frivolous.
13:33This was no frivolous thing.
13:35And, you know, they're all saying that if it was male astronauts,
13:38that they would have never called it a ride.
13:40There would have been a flight or a journey.
13:41And Katy Perry said, her whole life is a journey.
13:44LAUGHTER
13:45And this was just part of it.
13:46It's a journey into love.
13:48And you can see, by the way, that she holds up her set list
13:51on that butterfly.
13:52Yeah.
13:53It's her upcoming tour.
13:54She's just so connected.
13:55Incredibly profound.
13:56It must be quite an experience, though, to look down,
13:59to see the planet Earth up from, you know, down that way.
14:01It must be quite something, something you'll never forget.
14:03No, I'd like to do it.
14:04Would you?
14:05I'd love to do it.
14:06Yeah.
14:07If Alan's not up for it.
14:08Yeah.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:12He real be.
14:13Yeah.
14:15Shall we take a look at the rocket?
14:17Oh, there we are.
14:18Send that postcard to Alan and he'll be straight with you.
14:20LAUGHTER
14:21What did Yvonne from Flincher have to say about it
14:24on the Channel 5 phone-in show?
14:26Oh.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28I missed that.
14:29I don't know.
14:30No, I don't know either, no.
14:31Yvonne wasn't happy.
14:32The most upsetting thing, I think, is the shape of the rocket.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:38It was obviously phallic.
14:40Um, and I found it self-indulged and disgusting, quite honestly.
14:46Um, is that...
14:47I mean, surely they would work out the best shape for space flight, Yvonne?
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54It wouldn't be all with that thought in their head,
14:55otherwise it wouldn't work.
14:57It wouldn't fly.
14:58Um, I...
14:59I've never seen a rocket shaped like this before.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02I mean, they're all kind of phallic to a certain extent, aren't they?
15:05This is especially phallic.
15:08LAUGHTER
15:10All the headlines referred to them as an all-female crew,
15:19but what wasn't strictly accurate about those headlines?
15:22They weren't actually running the ship.
15:24Yeah, they weren't.
15:25It was a sort of driverless rocket.
15:27It was a self-flying rocket, although Katy Perry said she'd trained
15:30for the flight by listening to an audio book of Carl Sagan's Cosmic.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35Reading a book on string theory and was already well-prepared
15:38as she was very interested in astrology.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:43As I descended, Katy Perry sang the Louis Armstrong classic,
15:46What a Wonderful World, at which point more screaming could be heard.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51Do you think she thought Louis Armstrong was the first man on the list?
15:55LAUGHTER
15:56Those would have been good first words on the moon.
15:58That would have been good.
15:59I think to myself, what a wonderful world.
16:01That would have been all right, wouldn't it?
16:02Because he got it wrong, didn't he, famously, Neil Armstrong?
16:04Yeah.
16:05One small step for man is what he said.
16:06He only meant a man.
16:07He should have said a man, yeah.
16:08Yeah.
16:09This is a current affairs programme.
16:10Yeah.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12I'm glad you're paying attention.
16:15There was quite a lot of emphasis on the outfits, wasn't there?
16:21Here they are in their jumpsuits.
16:24When I go up with Alan Titchmarsh...
16:26Yeah.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:29He's going to wear a miniskirt.
16:31Is he?
16:32LAUGHTER
16:34This is a current affairs programme.
16:38LAUGHTER
16:39There you go.
16:41It was.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43This is the all-female trip into space on Amazon's Blue Origin rocket.
16:48Lauren Sanchez described experiencing profound awe
16:51as she looked out of the window and saw the moon.
16:54Turns out they'd only gone a few feet and that was just Geoff's head.
16:57LAUGHTER
17:00Time now for round two.
17:02And with several Tories and police officers being charged
17:04with gambling offences, it's perhaps not the best time
17:07to employ the one-armed bandit of news.
17:11Fingers on buzzers, teams.
17:18BUZZER
17:20Oh.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:22When I pressed the button, he wasn't wearing a beret
17:24or holding a pallet.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:26Right, so there's these rats that have been doing these paintings
17:29which have gone extremely well.
17:30What they do is they dip the rats in the blue paint
17:32and they walk across the canvas and somebody in New York Art Gallery
17:34has paid £12 million for this huge canvas that's rat-based.
17:37Yeah.
17:38Yeah, what do you mean, yeah?
17:39Can't be right.
17:40This is the news that a group of rats in Somerset
17:42have launched their painting career.
17:44No, they haven't.
17:45They haven't launched it.
17:46Somebody else has done it.
17:48You know, I don't think we can say what the rats are thinking.
17:52We can say what they're not thinking.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55I can't afford to get to Birmingham so I might as well become an artist.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59In Somerset.
18:00Shall we have a look at the rats masterpiece?
18:02Yeah, go on then.
18:03Yes.
18:04Here we go.
18:05Wow.
18:06Oh, no, he's proud of it.
18:07Can they say he's proud?
18:09Let's have a look at another.
18:11They're all jacks and bollocks.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14Rat goth.
18:15That doesn't really work.
18:16How would...
18:17Well, rat goth.
18:18Well, if that's the stand...
18:20All right.
18:21Rat casso.
18:22LAUGHTER
18:23That's what they're able to call.
18:25Yeah.
18:26Yeah.
18:27Leonardo de Rat.
18:28Yeah.
18:29LAUGHTER
18:30How many rats does Steph employ?
18:3248.
18:33Six.
18:34She has 16 rats, but only 12 of them paint.
18:37Oh, really?
18:38What did the others do?
18:39Sculpt?
18:40LAUGHTER
18:45Fingers on buzzers teams.
18:54Oh, well, this is the Tower of Trade Wars.
18:56JD Vance the other day made a remarkable comment where he said,
18:59we're not on anybody's side, we're on America's side.
19:04What's the JD stand for?
19:05Do we know?
19:06Is it Jumbo Dickhead?
19:07I've no idea.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09Does anybody know?
19:10Do you know what it is?
19:11Jack Daniels.
19:12Jack Daniels.
19:13Yeah, there's a trade war going on at the moment.
19:15Trump doesn't know where he is.
19:16He just makes stuff up.
19:17He just says this, he says that.
19:19The Chinese are just sort of, like, very angry.
19:21If I had to choose...
19:22Yes.
19:23..who to trade with...
19:24Yeah.
19:25..if I was Taiwan...
19:26Yeah.
19:27..and who's to say I'm not...
19:28No.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:30He's got a nice face.
19:32I like the Chinese man's face.
19:34Nice face.
19:35Warm personality, do you think?
19:37Well, compared to the other one.
19:38Oh, well, yeah.
19:39Compared to Trump, yeah.
19:40I've just been reading the book about Trump's golfing habits
19:43and he just cheats openly at golf all the time.
19:45Like, what he does, he tees off and he gets in his golf cart
19:48and he'll sort of, like, if his opponents hit a really good ball
19:50down the fairway, he'll play that as his own ball.
19:52Yeah.
19:53It's called the Golf of America.
19:54Yeah.
19:55His own golf...
19:56LAUGHTER
19:57APPLAUSE
19:59Lots of tariffs now on China.
20:01Is it 145?
20:03245%.
20:04Oh, wow.
20:05Do you think he knows what he's doing?
20:06Sure.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:09Have you met Trump?
20:10I have met Trump.
20:11Oh, hello.
20:12Here we go.
20:13What's he like?
20:14He was wearing his golf outfit when I first met him,
20:17when he was, like, he...
20:19Was there a whiff of sulphur about him?
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22I was having a luncheon in Mar-a-Lago, as you do.
20:25Oh, yeah.
20:26Yeah.
20:27And, um, I knew that he was arriving because, um,
20:30I think he considers himself as a bit of a king, doesn't he?
20:33You know, that's his palace.
20:34And so, as kings in the past have done,
20:37he requests that the music be turned up very loud
20:41when he comes in to his own house, you know.
20:44I do like the idea of music being turned up
20:46before you walk into a room.
20:47Yeah.
20:48Would you phone my husband?
20:50LAUGHTER
20:51And say, get Dusty Springfield on.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:55It's been a bad week for JD Vance, who's mentioned there.
20:59What's he been up to?
21:00No good.
21:01No good.
21:02And presenting his old university, Ohio State.
21:05Oh, yes, he dropped a trophy, didn't he?
21:06Yes!
21:07Dropped a trophy, yeah.
21:08Here's how it went.
21:09It's a fantastic metaphor, isn't it?
21:21Safe pair of...
21:22Oh!
21:24Which institution has Trump got a problem with?
21:27Democracy.
21:28That's right.
21:29Also Harvard University.
21:30Oh, yes, Harvard University, yes, yes.
21:32He's drawn their funding.
21:33That's right.
21:34Trump demanded that they abolish diversity, equality
21:36and inclusion programmes in staff hiring and admissions
21:39or lose its tax-exempt status, but Harvard refused,
21:42so the government has now frozen Harvard's $2 billion
21:45of federal funding.
21:46Yes, I mean, he's going for the universities
21:48and he's done lawyers, he's done the press.
21:50I mean, you could argue that he's a straightforward fascist.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54Yeah, you could.
21:55Yeah.
21:56Yeah, you could.
21:57APPLAUSE
21:58Is there some balance coming?
22:02There is, there is.
22:03He's not a straightforward fascist.
22:05Oh, thank you very much.
22:06He's sort of devious fascist.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09How's Trump's education secretary and former wrestling star,
22:13Linda McMahon, getting on in her role?
22:15Oh, she's doing really well because she's telling people
22:18not to be worried about A1.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21That's right.
22:22A1 is a system which can be used to help humanity.
22:25We mustn't fear A1 because A1 has got a lot to offer us all.
22:29That's right.
22:30Here she is.
22:31And you think I'm joking, don't you?
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33Yes, take a look.
22:34There is a school system that's going to start
22:36making sure that first graders or even pre-Ks
22:40have A1 teaching, you know, every year,
22:43starting, you know, that far down in the grades.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Well, he wants to shut down Harvard.
22:48LAUGHTER
22:50Why are the others nodding along?
22:52They're just confirming their own personal view
22:54that this woman's an idiot.
22:56LAUGHTER
22:57On the subject of A1...
22:59Yes.
23:00It's amazing what it can do.
23:02Yes.
23:03Would anyone like to see Ian and Paul as Muppets?
23:06No!
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Yes.
23:09No!
23:10Oh, thank you.
23:11Well...
23:12Go on, then.
23:13Ian.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16That's good.
23:17Oh!
23:18I like that.
23:19It's good.
23:20And Paul, here's one of you.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24They look so benign, don't they?
23:25Maybe we could do this to world leaders to make them seem less threatening.
23:28Here's Xi Jinping.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31Here's Putin.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33He's not a bad guy.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35And here's Trump.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37This is another week of turmoil, courtesy of Donald Trump.
23:39As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
23:40Mm.
23:41Well, they found Keir Starmer.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43A colonoscopy revealed the President had a colonoscopy.
23:45He's not a bad guy.
23:46He's not a bad guy.
23:47LAUGHTER
23:48And here's Trump.
23:49LAUGHTER
23:50This is another week of turmoil, courtesy of Donald Trump.
23:53As part of his annual check-up, Donald Trump had a colonoscopy.
23:56Mm.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58Well, they found Keir Starmer.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02APPLAUSE
24:03A colonoscopy revealed the President had a colonoscopy.
24:08It's currently the only thing in the entire White House that is benign.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Sign out for the Missing Words Round, which this week features
24:19as its guest publication, Meat Management.
24:22They've got a whole section on mincing.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27You've parked up, wasn't it?
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30Happy days.
24:31Nice.
24:32And we start with...
24:34Tarleton Lane near Bath needs what because what?
24:39Needs an adequate meat supplier.
24:41Because there aren't any.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44I'm nodding, but it's wrong.
24:46Yes.
24:47Abattoir, is it?
24:48Abattoir?
24:49Abattoir...
24:50LAUGHTER
24:51No, it needs its own toad patrol because of the number of toads
24:55that go there to mate.
24:56Oh.
24:57What's that got to do with meat?
24:58No, not all to do with a meat manufacturer.
25:00Oh.
25:01Now you tell me.
25:02Yeah.
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04Sousage seller.
25:05According to The Guardian, 4,000 frogs gather each year to mate
25:09near a busy main road.
25:10To be fair, it is a well-known frogging site.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14Next.
25:15A single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean, what?
25:20Seeks pickled onion.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:25APPLAUSE
25:30It's actually a single discarded ham sandwich in the forest of Dean
25:33could spark a foot-and-mouth nightmare.
25:35Can he get a point even though it's not right?
25:38No, you can't get a point if it's not right.
25:39OK.
25:40I didn't know you got points for getting it right.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:45Have you not been to a quiz before?
25:47LAUGHTER
25:48I thought you'd have a point if it was funny.
25:49Oh.
25:50We wouldn't have five points.
25:51LAUGHTER
25:53APPLAUSE
25:55Oh.
25:56Next.
25:57What in Market Town in Warwickshire described as vile and nauseating?
26:02Vegetarian restaurant.
26:03LAUGHTER
26:04Antiques Roadshow.
26:06Yes.
26:07LAUGHTER
26:08No, the answer is bright yellow public area.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:16Well, it sounds awful.
26:17Yeah, dreadful.
26:18Yeah.
26:19Locals now call the area painted yellow by the council custard corner.
26:23Here it is.
26:25Oh.
26:26Oh, my.
26:27Is that a lemon being squeezed in a hand on these...
26:30No, I don't think it's just the way his trousers are hanging.
26:32LAUGHTER
26:34Finally, Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers, what?
26:43Seeks similar.
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45Denies our yellow.
26:47Arrested by police by shoving four kilos of birdseed in his pants.
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52I know this one.
26:53Oh, you know this one.
26:54Go on, then.
26:55Going cheap.
26:56Yes!
26:57LAUGHTER
26:58There we are.
26:59Nothing wrong with that.
27:01Finds cure for erectile dysfunction.
27:04Yeah.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:07Swindon man with four canaries down his trousers, sought by police for pet shop theft.
27:12The pet shop owner said, we don't know whether they will survive being manhandled and shoved down someone's trousers.
27:20They will.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:22So, the final scores are Ian and Jemima have four and Paul and Julian have six.
27:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:36And let's make me say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Jemima Kelly, Paul Merton and Julian Clary.
27:42And I leave you with news that in Spalding, organisers reveal the winner of the prestigious World's Most Judgmental Haystack Competition.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:53After being ejected from an exhibition of radical modern architecture, one irate visitor threatens to take on any of the security guards if they think they're hard enough.
28:02LAUGHTER
28:05And in Moscow, there's a dangerous moment for the soldier deciding the result of the Kremlin Guard sweepstake on the size of Vladimir Putin's bald spot.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:15Good night.
28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:19If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
28:31Sous chef Carly's taking the reins. Press red for boiling point on iPlayer.
28:36Next up, Julian and son are having a little bonding time, but opportunity knocks.
28:40New comedy Austin continues in just a moment.
28:42APPLAUSE
28:44MUSIC
28:49MUSIC
28:54MUSIC