Have.I.Got.a.Bit.More.News.for.You.S69E06
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00:30Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm David Tennant. In the news this week, in Sydney, following the Australian Labour Party's surprise victory, the Culture Minister allows herself a small celebration.
00:50Dyson admits that their latest batch of hand dryers might need the power notching down a bit.
01:04LAUGHTER
01:08That actually looks like the TARDIS.
01:14Yeah.
01:16It flies more smoothly.
01:20And in Leatherhead, hidden camera footage reveals to MI5 how the network of Bulgarian spies were exchanging secret information.
01:30LAUGHTER
01:44On Ian's team tonight is a broadcaster who admits that she is always ten minutes late for everything.
01:49So please welcome the host of Channel 4's news at ten past seven, Cathy Ewan.
01:55APPLAUSE
01:57On Paul's team tonight, a comedian and actor who recently appeared in a film with George Clooney. Acting opposite a global sex symbol was challenging.
02:07But in the end, Clooney managed to gabble out his language.
02:10So we begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Paul and Miles. Here's yours.
02:22Yes.
02:23Oh, obviously Donald Trump and Keir Starmer. We're the first country that they've agreed to deal with.
02:28There's probably Keir Starmer and Donald Trump talking via the telephonic communications.
02:32And you've robbed the quiz element there.
02:35White smoke new pope I believe might be the story on that one.
02:39So, yes, we've got a trade deal.
02:41And there is a new pope, which I was extremely surprised that it wasn't me.
02:45Because I'd been led to believe that it would be me.
02:47I've had the costume fitting and everything.
02:50But apparently there's somebody else.
02:53Yes, indeed.
02:54It's the news that the long-awaited UK-US trade deal was rather gazumped by the election of a new pope.
03:00Yes.
03:01I mean, Starmer didn't seem to be aware that it was happening until about five minutes later.
03:04Yeah, but he doesn't know he lost the election.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:09And also, when Trump was pressing that button in the Oval Office,
03:12wasn't he just ordering a Coke, after all?
03:14Well, the other worst buttons he could be pressing.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18So, I think, yes, Starmer sort of said that he got called watching Arsenal's football team,
03:22North London, while watching a game that they were playing.
03:25I'm indebted to you.
03:26Thank you, Your Honour.
03:27And so, yes, he got a call while he was watching the match, which he wasn't happy with.
03:30But, you know, it's very good that he didn't get a call the night before,
03:32because I happened to know he was at a romantic dinner with his wife,
03:35and I know because I was there too.
03:37Oh, really?
03:38Why?
03:39Really?
03:40That is romantic.
03:41How romantic was it?
03:42Yeah, yeah.
03:43Well, I was having a dinner with a contact,
03:45and in walked Keir and his wife Victoria.
03:48And I was like, oh, this is interesting.
03:50Let them get on with it for a bit and then wandered over and had a chat.
03:53That's the form, is it?
03:54They've made some sort of signal to say to the waiter,
03:57could you invite the other couple over now?
03:59We've had quite enough of the eating bit.
04:00Oh, I don't know.
04:03What about the lady from the news?
04:05He feels like her.
04:06Yeah.
04:07I mean, as soon as his security team ordered the main course,
04:09I was like, right, come on, let's get at it then.
04:11So...
04:12You really are a proper journalist.
04:16No wonder he had a smile on his face.
04:18I thought he had something to do with the trade agreement.
04:21Your mind is too filthy to be pope.
04:23That's the problem with you.
04:28It's true though, isn't it?
04:29I think you should look into the history of the popes.
04:37Anyway, I've got the scoop.
04:38Anyway, the scoop is that it was their 18th wedding anniversary,
04:41which is China, not the country, you know.
04:44And a gift of a mug was exchanged.
04:47Was that the public?
04:50No.
04:51Who was your contact?
04:52All I can tell you is that I got better stories than the mug story
04:55out of that dinner.
04:59Very good spontaneous noise by members of the audience.
05:02Very good.
05:03You've just got to switch over to Channel 4 in a few days' time.
05:08You've done it again?
05:09Yeah.
05:10Have you met in the car park beforehand,
05:12agreed to make these noises?
05:15Very good, isn't it?
05:16Can I just say there are other channels available?
05:19And other noises available for a mass audience.
05:22But, you know, Channel 4 doesn't misname the pope,
05:25because the BBC said it was a fast food chain that had become pope.
05:29Leon.
05:31Is that what the BBC said?
05:32Initially, and then they had to correct it.
05:34It was Burger King in the end, wasn't it?
05:36LAUGHTER
05:40Well, Trump has described this deal...
05:42Yeah.
05:43Oh, thanks for bringing this back to the news.
05:44Yes.
05:45That is what we're here for.
05:46That's what we're here for.
05:47Trump has described it as full and comprehensive,
05:49and includes third-party fire and theft,
05:51but only if you've got locks and all your downstairs window.
05:54What's the deal going to achieve?
05:56Do we know any of the details?
05:57Boy, it will change everything.
05:59Will it?
06:00Yeah, probably.
06:01Yeah.
06:02Has the price of DVDs gone up?
06:03Yeah.
06:05Is that it?
06:06Yeah.
06:07Through the roof.
06:08Will this affect book tokens?
06:11There's still a 10% baseline tariff, though.
06:14On everything?
06:15Yeah.
06:1625% tariff from steel is gone.
06:17Yes, but then it was only imposed fairly recently.
06:20Sure.
06:21So we've got a better deal than we had last time Trump said anything.
06:24Right.
06:25But Keir Starmer said the way to look at it is that,
06:28are things better today than they were yesterday?
06:30And he said they are.
06:31Yeah, but not better than they were a couple of weeks ago.
06:33Yeah, but that's...
06:34But I want to know, is it going to be better tomorrow?
06:37Because, I mean, we could be...
06:38You know, there could be nuclear war tomorrow.
06:40Oh, well, you're fun.
06:44Now all we need is a deal with our biggest trading partner,
06:46which is the EU.
06:48We had that, didn't we?
06:49A few years ago.
06:50Oh, don't bring up Brexit.
06:52Don't, yeah.
06:53But it's about yesterday, of course, isn't it, Cathy?
06:56Not sort of what happened in 2016.
06:58This is...
06:59I mean, you're doing the country down, essentially,
07:01whilst talking to secret sources in restaurants,
07:03watching other people's dates.
07:04Do you know what?
07:05People exchanging crockery.
07:08Yeah.
07:09He should actually be Prime Minister with that kind of patter,
07:12shouldn't he?
07:13I mean, you know, Ukraine elected a comic Prime Minister, yeah.
07:15Is it very difficult?
07:16I imagine it is quite...
07:17Do you get...
07:18Just read out loud what they give you,
07:19or do you have to sort of make stuff up as your Prime Minister?
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22The bit when they walk out in the lectern and they read out loud...
07:24Yeah.
07:25I think I could do that bit.
07:26You could do that, yeah.
07:27But that bit when people ask you specific questions,
07:29I think that's not...not really on.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Canada's new Prime Minister, Mark Carney,
07:35also met with Donald Trump this week.
07:37What was Trump banging on about there?
07:39They had a bit of a bromance in the Oval Office,
07:41which was a bit of a surprise.
07:42Yeah?
07:43You know, Trump basically said he wanted to take over Canada.
07:45Some journalist asked Trump what concessions do you want from Canada
07:48and he answered friendship.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:52He sees friendship as a concession.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:55But I think Mark Carney sort of played him very well.
07:57They now know, having watched Zielinski sort of like fall into a trap,
08:00it was, you know, just flatter him.
08:02Yeah.
08:03I talk about real estate.
08:04Trump loves to talk about real estate.
08:05Yeah.
08:06He did something called grey rocking, apparently.
08:07Grey rocking?
08:08Yeah.
08:09Apparently it's how to deal with narcissists.
08:11Yes, according to the journal Medical News Today,
08:13it's a technique for dealing with abusive or manipulative people
08:16by becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible
08:20so that they lose interest.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:23Shall we see him doing it?
08:25This is grey rocking in action.
08:26Yeah.
08:27It's hard to justify subsidising Canada
08:30to the tune of maybe $200 billion a year.
08:34We protect Canada militarily, and we always will,
08:37but why are we subsidising Canada $200 billion a year,
08:41or whatever the number might be?
08:43It's a very substantial number.
08:45And it's hard for the American taxpayer to say,
08:48gee whiz, we love doing that.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:54In other news, Donald Trump has also claimed
08:56he's going to bring something back.
08:58What's he going to...?
08:59Alcatraz.
09:00Alcatraz.
09:01Yeah.
09:02Alcatraz, that's right.
09:03And somebody worked out that on the local TV station
09:05where he was there that night, Palm Springs or whatever,
09:07the guy in the film escaped from Alcatraz.
09:09So he sees something on television and says,
09:11yeah, we should bring that back.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Yes.
09:14Let's hope he's not watching any World War II documentaries.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18Yes, Donald Trump called for the reopening of Alcatraz Prison
09:21for vicious, repeat criminal offenders,
09:24the dregs of society who will never contribute anything
09:27other than misery and suffering.
09:29In you go, Donald.
09:31Close the door behind you.
09:32APPLAUSE
09:38But it was still only Tuesday.
09:40Right.
09:41So Donald decided to make another announcement
09:44to do with the British film industry.
09:46Yeah, oh, he's going to tariff on films not made in America.
09:49Yeah, 100% tariffs on films made outside the US.
09:52It's very difficult to say this is a completely an American film
09:55or this is a...
09:56Because films can be made in all different countries.
09:58All different countries coming together.
10:00Mm.
10:01Location filming, you could be going, you know,
10:02filming in Norway or something.
10:03You make it sound as though you're dealing with someone
10:05who would understand that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07I am looking straight at you.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:12Yes, this could have very serious impact on the British film industry.
10:15For instance, the long-awaited new James Bond film
10:17may now not be made in the UK
10:20but will instead not be made in the US.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25But I hope the James Bond franchise isn't affected
10:27because you were really looking forward to taking that on,
10:29weren't you, Miles?
10:30Yeah.
10:31Yeah, I think...
10:32I mean, I haven't started the training yet but...
10:34LAUGHTER
10:35I've read a couple of books about spying and...
10:37God, it's dangerous.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40Oh, you wear a suit.
10:41A lot of it's done by gadgets, apparently.
10:43There's green screen.
10:44And now I'm...
10:45No, look, I shouldn't really be talking about it
10:47but I am...
10:48I am really looking forward to it.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:50APPLAUSE
10:52Well...
10:53APPLAUSE
10:54As are we.
10:57LAUGHTER
10:58It'd be a different Bond, wouldn't it?
10:59Would you mind awfully if I, um...
11:01shocked you?
11:02LAUGHTER
11:03I'd be the sort of James Bond that suggests
11:04a lot of this could be done remotely, I think.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:08Why is May the 4th significant in the film world?
11:11Star Wars?
11:12Yes, indeed.
11:13May the 4th be with you.
11:15May the 4th be with you.
11:16To mark that day, Donald Trump posted this AI-generated image
11:20on the official White House X account.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:27What did Star Wars enthusiasts pick up that's specific about that?
11:31Oh, there'll be some mistake, won't there?
11:32He's got a particular type of lightsaber.
11:34That's it.
11:35Which is made from steel and has a tariff of...
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40Well, it's also that it's red.
11:42Yeah, not blue.
11:43And only the Sith, that's the baddies, have red lightsabers.
11:46So is that a mistake or is he trying to tell us?
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49I don't know.
11:50Someone in his press office hates him.
11:52Not the only one.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:55And, of course, Star Wars, another film franchise made in the UK.
11:58Yes, indeed.
11:59Which is why when Harrison Ford broke his leg on the set
12:01of Star Wars The Force Awakens, the case ended up in Milton
12:05Keane's magistrate's court.
12:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:11And, er, we've obviously got a few judges in for Milton Keane.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:19Many exteriors in Hollywood movies are filmed in Britain.
12:22According to the I newspaper, in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy,
12:25the dark streets of Gotham were actually the dark streets of Croydon.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:31What else has been posted on the White House's official Instagram page?
12:37He also made himself Pope, didn't he?
12:39Well, yes.
12:40Let's take a look of him as the Pope.
12:42There he is.
12:44He'll be the Archbishop of Canterbury next, won't he?
12:47Maybe not big enough for him.
12:48He doesn't want to be shouted at by Ian at parties.
12:50LAUGHTER
12:52Yes, it was quite a week for the Catholic Church as they got a new Pope.
12:59And a new Antichrist.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:03APPLAUSE
13:05I was just looking at that picture of Donald Trump as the Pope,
13:10and the fact that somebody would reduce themselves to try and extract comedy
13:14out of being the new Pope, I think it's very sad.
13:17LAUGHTER
13:20Rather desperate, actually.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:23But it is an American.
13:25So there must have been a second when the news came through
13:27when Donald thought, it is me.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:31Robert Prevost has become...
13:33Oh, right.
13:34He's American, is he?
13:35Yeah.
13:36First one ever, and he's become Pope Leo XIV.
13:39He was quite emotional, wasn't he?
13:41The new Pope.
13:42Yes. What did he say?
13:43I mean, you would have been if it had been you.
13:44Yeah, certainly.
13:45LAUGHTER
13:46There's no point in me talking about it now.
13:47It sounds like sour grapes.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50Now this yank's got it.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:54I just want to say, I've always believed in Jesus.
13:57LAUGHTER
13:58And then finally, which other high-end fashion event
14:03took place in the US this week?
14:05Oh, this was the Met thing?
14:07Yeah, the Met.
14:08The Met Gala.
14:09Yes.
14:10The guy turned up with a piano on his back.
14:11That's right.
14:12Here he is, Andre 3000.
14:14There he is.
14:23Why?
14:24Played a bit of Offenbach.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:27Nobody's seriously thinking we're all going to be wearing pianos
14:30this time next year.
14:31The theme was superfine, tailoring black style.
14:34Here's actor Damsin Idris.
14:36They already did it good!
14:38Let's do it.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:41One, two, stand out!
14:44CHEERING
14:45Bit bucks fizz, isn't it?
14:46LAUGHTER
14:48So, yes, this is the UK's trade deal with the US.
14:53Hopes had been growing for weeks of a possible trade deal
14:55between the US and the UK.
14:57Although, on Wednesday, Donald Trump tweeted that it was with
15:00a highly respected country.
15:02Which threw us all off the scent a little bit.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05The UK ambassador to Washington, Lord Peter Mandelson,
15:08was in the White House for the announcement of the deal,
15:10leading to a touching reunion with Donald Trump.
15:13They hadn't seen each other since that party on Epstein's Island.
15:17LAUGHTER
15:19We'll visit you in Alcatraz.
15:24According to the Independent, the new trade deal with India is expected
15:36to make entry into the UK easier for Indian chefs and yogis.
15:40Which is great news, unless you're carrying a delicious picnic basket.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:47Are you auditioning for something?
15:52It was like he was in the room, wasn't it?
15:55It was, yeah, it was.
15:56Ian and Cathy, here's your story of the week.
16:00Um...
16:01Local elections.
16:02Local elections, bin collection.
16:03There's Farage, who's won, and then Kevin Baton, who didn't win.
16:09Exactly.
16:10And that's Keir Starmer.
16:11The Royal Air Force has downgraded over the years, isn't it?
16:14LAUGHTER
16:15This is presumably the elections.
16:17The local elections, the mayoral elections, the by-election.
16:21Mm. Indeed.
16:22It was an earthquake.
16:23I mean, according to reform, life will never be the same again.
16:27Mm.
16:28Well, it's the end of the Conservatives, they say.
16:30Yeah.
16:31But it's the end of the two-party system.
16:32It's the start of a new era.
16:34It's Nigageddon.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:37Or something.
16:38When was the moment that Nigel Farage realised he was on to something big?
16:42Well, he was on his way to Durham, wasn't he?
16:43Which is pretty big, being, you know, winning in Durham, which is Labour
16:47Heartland.
16:48Well, apparently he noticed that as he walked down Ormskirk High Street,
16:52there were far fewer abusive shouts than there used to be.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:57Come on, Ormskirk, pull your finger out.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03Here's the fun question.
17:04Who was once MP for Ormskirk and Nigel's predecessor as boss of UKIP?
17:09Erm...
17:10Oh, God.
17:11He used to be on the telly a fair bit.
17:13Robert Kilroy Silt.
17:14There you go, yes.
17:15Oh, yes!
17:16Let's remind ourselves of some of his best work.
17:18Their fate will be in each other's hands as they decide whether to share
17:23or to shaft.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:31Can I say, it just goes to show that orange right-wingers are nothing new.
17:35LAUGHTER
17:39Not the only reform supporter with a career in television,
17:42would you like to see presenter Steve Miller at work?
17:45Yes, please.
17:46Yeah.
17:47Here he is with a sensitive take on the health crisis.
17:49This is from Skye's Fat Families.
17:51I'm in Telford Shropshire and I'm about to meet one of the fattest families
17:55I've met in my life.
17:56I'm here in the Peak District and about to meet two right
17:59massive fatty siblings at the peak of their porkiness.
18:03I'm going to be meeting some right beach blubber bellies.
18:07I'm in Luton Bedfordshire and about to meet three right jelly-bellied
18:11jumbos.
18:12It's Mr and Mrs Massive Fatty.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:16That is an unfortunate name though, isn't it?
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20I mean...
18:22APPLAUSE
18:24How did Kemi Bednock respond to the results?
18:27She said it was a bloodbath.
18:29Yes, she said, I apologise for the bloodbath.
18:32There's not an awful lot else you can do about a bloodbath, is there?
18:35LAUGHTER
18:36Well, you could clean up after yourself.
18:38Yeah.
18:39And what was Keir Starmer's reaction to the results?
18:41Are you surprisingly unbothered, given that they did nearly as bad,
18:45not quite as bad as the Conservatives, though?
18:47He's got a long time until the next election.
18:49He's got a large majority.
18:50Yeah.
18:51He's got a new mug.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53I mean, what a...
18:54Yeah.
18:55What a wink!
18:56Yeah.
18:57He said, I get it, we need to go further.
18:59Whereas a lot of his MPs, members of the Cabinet, were saying,
19:01why don't you scrap the cut on winter fuel allowance?
19:04Mm.
19:05And he said, because that would be a good idea...
19:07No, he didn't say that.
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09There was one Labour campaigner suggested to the Guardian
19:11it was more a protest vote against Labour than a positive vote for reform.
19:15What evidence did she use for this, do you know?
19:17That is what politicians always say.
19:18It was just a protest vote.
19:19Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
19:21She told the Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24That is what politicians always say.
19:25It's just a protest vote.
19:26Well, it was actually spoilt ballot papers.
19:27She told the Guardian, I've never seen so many drawings of penises.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:35You've never seen the Bayou Tapestry, have you?
19:37LAUGHTER
19:39Andrea Jenkins, who's now Mayor of Lincolnshire for reform,
19:42she's the queen of graphic gestures, isn't she?
19:44You're right.
19:45Can you remind us what she did?
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48In fact, there's a sort of cycle of rude gestures.
19:50One involving a finger and one involving a tongue.
19:52Sometimes together.
19:53Wow.
19:54Does she do this over dinner?
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58We must have some footage of it.
20:04I mean, not on these colours.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:08They'll find it, they'll find it.
20:10Let's take a look.
20:11They can add it in later.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15And we can hop in along by pretending we're seeing it.
20:20Oh, look, there she goes.
20:21There she goes.
20:22There she goes.
20:23There we go.
20:24There we go.
20:25We've got that.
20:26Have a look.
20:27Oh, that's good.
20:28There she is.
20:29I'm going to come first.
20:32Somebody's pissed up that wall behind her.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:36And I'm looking at the man in the brown shorts behind her.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42Excuse me.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45There have already been quite a few war on woke statements of intent from reform,
20:51but they tend to be hitting the brick wall of reality.
20:54The mayor of Lincolnshire, Andrea Jenkins, pledged to fire all diversity,
20:58equality and inclusion officers.
21:00Yes.
21:01But there aren't actually any in Lincolnshire County Council.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05So there's nobody to fire.
21:06Just proves how quickly she works.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:10But the Conservatives were hoping to fight their own war on woke.
21:15They've been talking about the banter ban.
21:19What's all that about, then?
21:21LAUGHTER
21:24That's the...
21:26The man of a thousand voices!
21:28Jody Bear, Cockneys, Donald Trump.
21:31That's about the employment bill, isn't it?
21:33Exactly.
21:34Suppose you run a pub, Miles.
21:36I think we can all picture it.
21:37Yes.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39Ah, my host!
21:40Oh.
21:41The usual Ian.
21:42Yes.
21:43A can of red stripe under the counter, served after 11.20.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:51So, yeah, anyway, this pub I run...
21:53Yeah, you run a pub, yeah.
21:54And say one of your bar staff overhears a joke or a bit of bance...
21:57Yeah.
21:58..that they don't like, they can take legal action against you
22:00for not protecting them from harmful material.
22:02There's actually no speaking at all allowed in my pub.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06Quiet reflection.
22:07Yeah, it's kind of mindful.
22:09There's a gong bath on Thursdays.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12It's probably the really rowdy night, yeah.
22:14Otherwise, it's people just sort of silently thinking
22:16about where it's all gone wrong.
22:17LAUGHTER
22:18It's not so different from a Wetherspoon in an afternoon.
22:21LAUGHTER
22:22At the 80th VE Day celebrations on Monday,
22:27Keir Starmer had the chance to exchange some interesting views
22:30with a very attentive Queen Camilla.
22:33Did you see this?
22:34Yes.
22:35LAUGHTER
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37That's very unusual, cos usually she's very attentive
22:42and also tells quite a few, you know, quite tasty jokes.
22:45Does she tell them over dinner?
22:47LAUGHTER
22:48APPLAUSE
22:50What better combination of people to discuss the VE commemorations
22:52than Rylan and Emma Willis?
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55They were hoping to rope in some of the survivors of World War Two
22:57to their cosy chit-chat.
22:58Let's have a look what happened.
22:59Thank you all...
23:00Good morning, everyone.
23:01So much...
23:02Morning.
23:03..for being with us today.
23:04It's an honour...
23:05It is.
23:06..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
23:07Thank you!
23:08Thank you!
23:09Thank you!
23:10Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
23:11Well, I don't care.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13Oh, no!
23:14That is the proper spirit, though.
23:15Yeah.
23:16And then they added in the magical ingredient of Giles Brandreth.
23:18Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
23:19It is so much so much for being with us today.
23:20It's an honour...
23:21It is.
23:22..to be sat with you and to hear your stories.
23:23Thank you!
23:24Thank you!
23:25Thank you!
23:26Thank you!
23:27Thank you!
23:28Shall we start with you then, Gladys?
23:29Oh, I don't care.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31APPLAUSE
23:32Oh, no!
23:33That is the proper spirit, though.
23:35Yeah.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38And then they added in the magical ingredient of Giles Brandreth.
23:41Just keep your eyes on Rylan.
23:42It is called...
23:44..barebacking.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46So, you know, like, horse riding,
23:49where you ride bareback.
23:51So this is called barebacking for Gen Z,
23:55where they travel without anything.
23:58I began doing this a few years ago
24:00and I was called a raw dog.
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02I said, well, I meant a raw dog.
24:03You're moving right from the raw.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06APPLAUSE
24:07And then, finally, what is Tony Blair doing here?
24:11Look what I found in my pocket!
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Is he working for them as a lobbyist?
24:17We're at a climate conference together.
24:18A climate conference?
24:19Yeah, obviously.
24:20Obviously.
24:21Right.
24:22And Tony was saying, don't worry about it,
24:23it's happening slowly.
24:24Yeah.
24:25That's not a very good impression.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27I'm not against the master.
24:28I know, he has raised the bar.
24:29He has raised the bar.
24:30I would have said, hi, guys, um, don't go so fast on the net.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35I love Danny DeVito.
24:36He's good.
24:37APPLAUSE
24:38This is the local election results which have, according to experts,
24:52brought Nigel Farage one step closer to number ten.
24:56Keir Starmer, talking at the VE Day commemoration event,
24:59said that we owe the veterans a debt that can never be fully repaid.
25:04You could start by giving them back their winter fuel allowance.
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08APPLAUSE
25:10Following their wipe-out of the local elections,
25:12one Conservative MP commented,
25:14The good ship, Tory, sometimes feels like the Titanic.
25:17To be fair, the Titanic had more survivors.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:22After a good night for his party,
25:24Ed Davey announced that the Lib Dems were on their
25:27best-ever winning streak.
25:29Oh, now Ed Davey's got the worst streak in his head.
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33A big swing to the Lib Dems.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Time now for the odd-one-out round.
25:41Ian and Cathy, your four are...
25:43Oh, yeah.
25:49This child, he imitates seagulls.
25:51Yes.
25:52Well done. That's Cooper Wallace, yeah.
25:53Cooper Wallace, which is a slightly old thing to do.
25:56BUZZER
25:57BUZZER
25:58BUZZER
25:59BUZZER
26:00BUZZER
26:01He's better there, isn't he?
26:02APPLAUSE
26:10I have no idea what to say now.
26:12The only thing we know about him is he won competitions for doing
26:16seagulls and his family were involved.
26:18That's right, yes.
26:19Lee Child, the novelist, his books are now written by his son.
26:23His brother.
26:24His brother.
26:25Yep, there you go.
26:26And Rupert Murdoch, he tried to hand on the succession to Shiv
26:31and, um, Roman and...
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36But they...
26:37They didn't want it.
26:38Um...
26:39This...
26:40This man's from Turkmenistan.
26:41Yeah.
26:42And I think he's the son of the man who used to run Turkmenistan.
26:44He is the man who used to run...
26:45Oh, he is the man who used to run it.
26:46Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:47And he's done...
26:48Has he given it to his son?
26:49Yes.
26:50They're all passing their jobs on to members of their family,
26:55apart from...
26:56The seagull boy.
26:57Who is keeping it.
26:59Well done!
27:00Yeah!
27:01Fair answer!
27:02APPLAUSE
27:03We just finished my sentence.
27:04Unbelievable.
27:05They've all made plans to pass on the family mantle,
27:09apart from Cooper Wallace, who retained his title
27:12at the European Gull Screeching Championships,
27:14beating stiff competition from his sister.
27:17Yeah, I want to hear that.
27:18I might learn something.
27:19Let's have a look.
27:20It's a tough sibling competition.
27:40It's like the Miliband brothers, isn't it?
27:42How do the judges select a winner, do you imagine?
27:46I imagine it's the person who does it best.
27:48Yeah.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:51Or am I missing an obvious ingredient?
27:54It's the one that also manages to fly out the window.
27:57Yeah.
27:58So what advice does Cooper have for anyone who's trying
28:01to fend off a seagull that wants to steal their chips?
28:04You can grey rock them, can't you?
28:06You kick your chips and you just very slowly do that.
28:10Cooper's advice is to make eye contact and screech back.
28:15According to the Metro, the contest asks participants to mimic
28:19the call and actions of a seagull.
28:21The screeching bit is easy, the real challenge is taking a dump
28:24on an ice cream from 30 feet up.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:28Rupert Murdoch wants his eldest son to have the only say in the running
28:35of his media empire.
28:37Why is Lachlan his father's chosen successor?
28:40Because in the court case, his father said he reflected the values
28:44of the Murdoch establishment the most.
28:46He would protect Fox News's right-wing stance, whereas the other children,
28:51James, Elizabeth and Prudence, may prove more liberal, jeopardising
28:54the jobs of a large number of broadcasting nutjobs.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59Turkmenistan's former president, Gurbun Guliberdi Mohamedov,
29:03gave up power to his son.
29:05What legacy did he leave his country? Does anyone know?
29:08Oh, dog breeding. There's a special dog.
29:11Oh, I don't know about that one.
29:13LAUGHTER
29:15What's so special about it, though?
29:17It's half man. Half man?
29:19Which half, though?
29:21I want to go for a walk.
29:23LAUGHTER
29:26He performed DJ sets for his people,
29:30and he gave a weightlifting display to his cabinet.
29:33Look at this.
29:35APPLAUSE
29:37There's no...
29:43There's no...
29:44There's no...
29:45Don't tell him that!
29:47LAUGHTER
29:49Lee Child passed on his Jack Reacher...
29:51His younger brother.
29:52His younger brother, that's right.
29:54Where did the inspiration for the name Reacher come from?
29:57Bizarrely, the name came about because he was in a supermarket
30:00and he's quite a tall man, and there was a shorter woman there
30:04who said, can you get that packet of cereal up there?
30:07And as he was reaching for it, his wife said to him,
30:09you know, you could always get a job as a Reacher in a supermarket,
30:12and he thought, that's a great name.
30:14That's right, yeah.
30:15It was an Asda in Kendall.
30:17Yes.
30:18Which has commemorated the character with a green plaque.
30:20Look!
30:21LAUGHTER
30:23It looks like his birth name was Asda Kendall.
30:26Yes.
30:27LAUGHTER
30:29Nowadays, it would be Jack Shoplifter.
30:32LAUGHTER
30:33Or Brian, clean up an aisle four.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39Did anyone see what was going on in Cosby Library recently?
30:44I couldn't take my eyes away.
30:46No, no idea what's been happening in Cosby Library.
30:48Well, they've been filming a video of their latest book acquisitions
30:51for social media.
30:52Yeah.
30:53Let's look at this.
30:54Let's do this!
30:55Let's do this!
30:56Let's do this!
30:57Let's do this!
30:58Let's do this!
31:02Let's do this!
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08And let's see the finished result.
31:10LAUGHTER
31:15APPLAUSE
31:16LAUGHTER
31:19LAUGHTER
31:23If we hadn't seen the first bit, we would wonder what was going on.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30That's very sweet.
31:32The Jack Reacher novels have been turned into films
31:35with Tom Cruise in the title role.
31:37Lee Child says the surname Reacher came to him in a supermarket
31:40when he was reaching up to get a can off a high shelf
31:43for a little old lady.
31:45Something he also occasionally had to do for Tom Cruise.
31:48LAUGHTER
31:50Paul and Miles, you're for our Ed Davey.
31:52Yes.
31:53Vladimir Putin.
31:54Ooh.
31:55Tom Archer from the Archers and Pliny the Elder.
31:58Now, this might be just a coincidence, but the surname Archer,
32:01is that relevant to the final...?
32:03Because, I mean, Putin's doing the two-fingered thing,
32:05which is something the English archers did at the Battle of Agincourt, I think.
32:08It's got nothing to do with the Battle of Agincourt.
32:10LAUGHTER
32:11I thought on a topical news quiz it was unlikely.
32:13LAUGHTER
32:14We've got Pliny the Elder there and he's the only one
32:16with a dead conguile on his head.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:20Tom Archer's wearing a gilet.
32:22Yes.
32:23I'd be amazed if Ed Davey doesn't own a gilet.
32:25Yeah.
32:26I'm going to give you a clue.
32:27It's about a popular trendy drink.
32:29Oh, erm, Jagerbombs.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33They're all absolutely daft for the Jagerbombs.
32:36Yeah.
32:37Apart from Ed Davey, cos he still likes Aftershock.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42I'd have to dig that one out.
32:44LAUGHTER
32:45Think about good for your guts.
32:47Oh, docket.
32:48Yeasty, filtered, kefir.
32:50There we go.
32:51Specifically kefir, yeah.
32:53Yeah.
32:54So who's the odd one out then?
32:55Oh, Pliny the Elder.
32:56Why is it Pliny the Elder?
32:57Because obviously, just look at him.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00He's not about as diverse a microbiome as the other three.
33:03That's exactly right.
33:04LAUGHTER
33:06I can't make the word for word off.
33:08They're all fans of fermented milk,
33:10apart from Pliny the Elder.
33:12Fermented milk!
33:13Yeah.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:15Pliny the Elder was a fan of fermented cabbage.
33:18Is that what Kimchi is?
33:19Kimchi, no.
33:20He's the leader of North Korea.
33:22LAUGHTER
33:25Pliny wrote a 37-book magnum opus...
33:28Yeah, Natural History.
33:29There you go.
33:30Which contains a chapter called...
33:32The Cabbage, 87 Remedies.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:35Which reveals how, when boiled and mixed with salt,
33:37cabbage can relieve gripings in the stomach,
33:40making him one of the earliest writers on record
33:43to advocate sauerkraut.
33:45The father of a large movement.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:49LAUGHTER
33:53That is fucking high-end.
33:55LAUGHTER
34:00Do you know any of the other 86 ways
34:02that Pliny recommended using cabbage?
34:04No, no!
34:05LAUGHTER
34:06This is surprising answer.
34:08He recorded that injecting warm cabbage juice
34:10into your ear could cure deafness.
34:12Or cause it.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:15And washing your children in the warm urine
34:17of someone on a cabbage diet
34:20would make them grow big and strong.
34:23And when they're teenagers, they'll beat the shit out of you
34:25for making them die with somebody else's piss.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30Pliny the Elder did indeed die in the eruption of Mount Vesuvius
34:33in 79 AD.
34:34Even cabbage couldn't save him.
34:37Yeah.
34:38No.
34:39It was the second worst eruption in his lifetime.
34:41The first...
34:42LAUGHTER
34:43Absolutely loved his eruption.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:47What happened when Ed Davey drank fermented milk every day
34:50for seven weeks?
34:51He grew udders.
34:52LAUGHTER
34:55He lost two stones.
34:56He lost two stones.
34:57Yeah.
34:58He saw the benefits after going on a diet
34:59that consisted largely of kefir and kimchi.
35:02Yes.
35:03All beginning with a K.
35:04Kombucha.
35:05Does it have quite a violent effect on the body?
35:07I remember I didn't really know what it was.
35:08I ordered someone in a cafe and when I ordered it,
35:10they went, oh, you know, that's a health drink.
35:12And I went, well, I'm sure it's fine.
35:13And then someone came back over with the thing and said,
35:15did one of you order the kombucha?
35:17And I said, I ordered it.
35:18They went, you knew that's a health drink.
35:19And then when they bought it, they said, are you the kombucha?
35:22I said, yeah.
35:23And they went, you do know it's a health drink.
35:24And I said...
35:25I got the impression, I started with panic.
35:26I thought, this is going to clean me out within seconds or something.
35:28They gave me so many warnings.
35:30You know, it's like moving other tables back, that sort of thing.
35:33People appear in the periphery of my vision with mops and things.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38Selling the business.
35:40I'm definitely coming to your pub.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:45We'll all go.
35:46We'll all go.
35:47OK, we'll all go down to my side to the usual.
35:51What happened when Radio 4's Tom Archer
35:52brought Kfir to the village of Ambridge?
35:54Any Archer's followers?
35:55There was Umbridge!
35:57LAUGHTER
35:58It's true.
35:59They didn't much like it.
36:01Tom Archer, described by the Guardian as a former sausage czar...
36:02LAUGHTER
36:07once went to Brazil to research bacteria and came back to Borsetshire
36:12back to Borset Shire to launch his own kefir business.
36:16Here's how that went down.
36:17I know you, Tom.
36:19You won't stop until it's all about kimchi and kefir.
36:22No.
36:22What do you want it for, Tom?
36:24Well, to let people try different varieties of kefir.
36:27Please, Tom, can you stop going on about kefir?
36:36How do we know that Vladimir Putin likes fermented milk?
36:39He's talked about it in interviews.
36:40That's absolutely true.
36:41What other answer could there be?
36:43Yeah.
36:44There was a new documentary celebrating Putin's 25 years in power,
36:48and it showed us a glimpse inside his Moscow apartment
36:50where he shared a glass of kefir with a journalist.
36:53Here he is.
36:58Everything is Russian, right?
36:59Well, of course.
37:00And what?
37:10Yeah, I still would.
37:11Well, I've been banned from Russia now.
37:13Oh, does it arrive in a letter?
37:14Do you get...
37:15They just did a list of journalists who were banned.
37:18Who else has been banned, then?
37:20Ryland?
37:20Mm-hmm.
37:20LAUGHTER
37:22Well, all of a sudden, here's an average day out in Siberia.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29LAUGHTER
37:30LAUGHTER
37:31There is no plausible explanation of what's going on there.
37:43It's the fermented cabbage.
37:45He's just trying to work it through.
37:46LAUGHTER
37:47They're all fans of fermented milk, apart from Pliny the Elder,
37:50who was a fan of fermented cabbage.
37:52LAUGHTER
37:53Vladimir Putin has given a journalist a rare tour of his Kremlin apartment.
37:57A flat.
37:59Let's just say I'd be surprised if the family upstairs let the kids learn
38:02a musical instrument.
38:03LAUGHTER
38:04Showing off his fridge, Vladimir Putin revealed he was a big fan of fermented milk.
38:09It's just normal milk that he's looked at.
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13Right, time for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest
38:19publication, Your Curler, the official magazine of Scottish curling.
38:24Thanks to their tireless efforts over the years, the magazine has raised
38:28national interest in curling to negligible.
38:31LAUGHTER
38:33We start with...
38:34Proving to be a gateway to Hades.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:42Relaunching E. Coli.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:46Here is Bella, the robot with her two human co-workers.
38:55Bella can respond to a number of situations.
38:57For example, she can say,
38:59Wow, your hands are really warm when she is touched.
39:02LAUGHTER
39:03Something she learned from Gino De Campo.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:07Next, every issue of Your Curler features a fun game called what?
39:13Curl or die.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:16That's the name of the hairdressers, isn't it?
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19Spot the national curling championship, if you will.
39:23LAUGHTER
39:24Ian was almost right, because it's Guess the Curler.
39:29Ah, you see?
39:30Yeah!
39:31Shall we play?
39:32Let's have a look, Paul.
39:33Yes, yes, yes, yes.
39:34LAUGHTER
39:35LAUGHTER
39:36Yes, Paul?
39:40Eamon Jenkins.
39:41LAUGHTER
39:43Not quite.
39:44It is, of course, Hammy Macmillan, Jr.
39:47Hey!
39:48The quiz doesn't stop there.
39:49The next question, of course, is, who is Hammy Macmillan, Jr.?
39:53LAUGHTER
39:54Next, woman from Wigan wins prize for what in just nine and a half minutes?
40:00Introducing the concept of emotions to her husband.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:05No, it's putting together flat pack furniture.
40:08It was an Ikea Billy bookcase.
40:10It was not a Billy bookcase.
40:12Was it the medicine cabinet?
40:14It was not the medicine cabinet.
40:15Because you can't do that in nine and a half minutes.
40:17LAUGHTER
40:18Well, this is Hayley Macaulay, who won the flat pack world championships
40:23by building a bedside table in nine and a half minutes.
40:27Here she is with her trophy.
40:29LAUGHTER
40:31Yeah.
40:32According to one source, nine competitors battled it out for the
40:34title in front of an assembled crowd.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:37Next, cricket club in Nutsford, proud owner of world's biggest what?
40:42Bat.
40:43Wicket.
40:44Getting very close.
40:45Accounting discrepancy on the bar.
40:46Shit!
40:47LAUGHTER
40:48Stop!
40:49Stop!
40:50Stop!
40:51Stop!
40:52Stop!
40:53Stop!
40:54Stop!
40:55Stop!
40:56Stop!
40:57Stop!
40:58There you go!
40:59World's biggest stumps.
41:00That's very good.
41:01Here are the world record-breaking 28-foot stumps.
41:05I know people who couldn't hit them.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:08The 28-foot sculpture will soon be burned to create a pile of ashes,
41:12would you believe?
41:13Although there is a danger the plume of smoke will be so massive,
41:15if seen from the Vatican, Mike Gatting will accidentally be elected
41:18Pope.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:21Next, what registers as 1.74 on the Richter?
41:25Liverpool fan celebration.
41:27He's absolutely right.
41:28Liverpool Premier League win.
41:29There you go.
41:30Tremor in Liverpool was so powerful that at the other end of the country
41:33it was briefly jolting Arsenal fans awake.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:38What do you think Arsenal's chances are of winning the Champions League?
41:41Um, well, they're up against a real Magnifico.
41:44LAUGHTER
41:46One of the great superheroes of our time.
41:50LAUGHTER
41:51I think they're going to cruise it, myself.
41:53Yeah, yeah, they've been knocked out.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57I do love this banter.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:03What's that all about, then?
42:05LAUGHTER
42:07That's fantastic.
42:10Dick Van Dyke.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:13But that brings us to the final scores.
42:16Paul and Miles have four, Ian and Cathy have six!
42:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:20We just have time for the caption competition.
42:28So, ladies, here we are.
42:31LAUGHTER
42:33Ladies, I was thinking maybe sushi?
42:37LAUGHTER
42:39My friends call me Jacob Rees-Mogg.
42:42LAUGHTER
42:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists Ian Hislop and Cathy Newman,
42:52Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
42:54And I leave you with news that at Tate Modern,
42:56a new sculpture is revealed inspired by how voters feel
42:59about Labour's first year in government.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:05After leaving his glasses at home,
43:07an embarrassed King Charles has to apologise for his mistake
43:10when posting a letter.
43:13LAUGHTER
43:17And in Whitby, excitement gave way to disappointment
43:20after a sighting of the UK's biggest cockle
43:23turned out to be a false alarm.
43:25LAUGHTER
43:27APPLAUSE
43:29Good night.
43:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:34MUSIC