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00:00I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears?
00:28Do women wear socks?
00:30Well, yes, sometimes is the answer to that.
00:33Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants.
00:38That's the rule.
00:39Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.
00:43He just does not give one solitary shit.
00:47Yeah, take that, Big Suze.
00:49Your toilet seat regime is over.
00:52Ah, freedom.
00:55Brown for first course, white for pudding.
00:59Brown is savoury, white's the treat.
01:01Of course, I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.
01:05There he is.
01:07Dr J!
01:09Morning, Mark.
01:10Sorry I didn't manage to hook up with you and Superhands last night.
01:14Wedge of ballast, then back to bed.
01:18That's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars, but red hot.
01:23What if mum and dad were trapped in one and I had a big hook I could swing down to rescue one of them?
01:29Who would I pick?
01:30Because I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news.
01:33Yeah, there's a vacancy going for a clerical assistant and I've managed to swing you an interview.
01:37Uh-huh.
01:38Clerical assistant?
01:39I can't be a clerical assistant.
01:40I'm a musician.
01:41You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you.
01:44They'd be off their tits.
01:45So is tomorrow at 11, alright?
01:48Tomorrow at 11, yeah, sure.
01:51I'll set the video.
01:52Don't joke.
01:53I'm not.
01:54I'm not.
01:55It's a damn good company.
01:57And it'll be the two of us together.
01:59Jez and Mez.
02:00The El Dude Brothers.
02:01Mm-hmm.
02:02It's just the music.
02:03It's really starting to hot up.
02:05You know how much I respect your music.
02:07It's just...
02:08Superhands said he's come up with a bass loop for our new track.
02:11That is so good that when he tried turning it off, he literally couldn't.
02:15He actually physically couldn't do it.
02:17I'm on your side.
02:18Every artist needs his patron.
02:21But, you know, there's a limit.
02:23Oh.
02:24The rent.
02:25I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow.
02:29It's just...
02:30Don't worry.
02:31You'll get your milk.
02:32You know, this track's a banker.
02:34I mean, everybody needs their something stupid.
02:37Sorry?
02:38The guy who wrote that.
02:40He's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.
02:45Right.
02:46He had a little touch of crimson.
02:48Blimey.
02:49What's God up to?
02:50So let's do just a...
02:51Listen, Jeremy.
02:52Just in case the song doesn't work out.
02:54Maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.
02:58Hmm.
02:59Think about it.
03:00And have a great day.
03:02Yeah?
03:03See you tonight.
03:04Uh, yeah.
03:05Cool.
03:06Have a good one.
03:07You too, mate.
03:08Workshy freeloader.
03:09Tight-fisted cock muncher.
03:11Maybe next time I have breakfast he'll make me sit a fucking exam.
03:19I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today.
03:22I really should ask her out for lunch.
03:24Can you hold that?
03:26You bastard.
03:27Thanks.
03:28Third floor?
03:29I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
03:30She could say no.
03:31Actually, that would be terrible.
03:32It would destroy me if she said no.
03:33There is a notice, you know, about only riding the lift to the first floor.
03:37You're wasting mine and other people's time.
03:40Not to mention...
03:41Oh.
03:42Ah.
03:43Okay.
03:44People like him should wear stickers.
03:45They've got them for their cars.
03:46Oh, yeah.
03:47Great idea, Adolf.
03:48Morning, Mark.
03:49Hey, Sophie.
03:50Go on.
03:51Ask me.
03:52I'm sorry.
03:53I'm sorry.
03:54I'm sorry.
03:55I'm sorry.
03:56I'm sorry.
03:57I'm sorry.
03:58I'm sorry.
03:59I'm sorry.
04:00I'm sorry.
04:01I'm sorry.
04:02I'm sorry.
04:03I'm sorry.
04:04I'm sorry.
04:05Hey, Sophie.
04:06Go on.
04:07Ask her.
04:08Sophie, are you...
04:09I mean, would...
04:10How's your day going thus far?
04:13Have a nice shower or bath?
04:14Why do I smell?
04:16God, no, you don't smell.
04:17I mean, you smell nice.
04:19Not that I've smelt you.
04:21Ah.
04:22See ya.
04:23Later, potato.
04:24Ugh.
04:25Potato.
04:26What have I become?
04:29Superhand said he'll be here in 20 minutes.
04:31Means I've got at least an hour.
04:33I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.
04:36OK.
04:37Where's today's cartoon?
04:39Hmm.
04:40Not bad.
04:41No discernible romantic overtones.
04:44OK, Penn.
04:46Let's flirt with Sophie.
04:48Mark's got no conception.
04:49He thinks I'm so...
04:51But really, I'm busting my creative balls here.
04:53Day in, day out.
04:55No, but it's all, where's the money?
04:57Where's my rent?
04:58I mean, where's the rent, Mr Jim Morrison?
05:00Mr Keats?
05:01No!
05:02You don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr Keats?
05:05Hold on.
05:06I think I've struck the mother load.
05:10What the hell is that?
05:12That is very gay.
05:13That's what that is.
05:15Come on.
05:16Go crazy.
05:17You're hungry like the wolf.
05:20Oh.
05:21Fantasy figure modeler.
05:23Jesus.
05:24Maybe this is his porn.
05:26I'm giving her a love heart.
05:29Yes, that's good.
05:31No, no, it's not good.
05:32It's terrible.
05:33Think crazy horse.
05:35Think in your face.
05:37What would Jeremy do?
05:39Yeah, that's it.
05:41Love's for Nazis.
05:42Yeah, crazy love.
05:44Nazi love.
05:45I'm a nutter.
05:47I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf.
05:51So she might be.
05:53Oh, you dirty hobbit.
05:55Take off my bodkin and my jerkin.
05:58Oh yeah, pixie ears.
06:01But that sword.
06:03What if she was a hobbit slayer?
06:06I'd just use my enchanted amulet.
06:09Yeah.
06:10Yield to me, hobbit slayer.
06:12You will touch my magic cock.
06:16And then I go and seal the deal by doing something wicked like this cartoon.
06:23Swastika love.
06:26It's bloody mental.
06:28So what do you think?
06:34I don't know.
06:35Yeah, it's in your face.
06:38It's just...
06:40I don't like it.
06:43Oh, well, I do.
06:45I just don't.
06:46Oh, right.
06:47Well, this is it, is it?
06:48What?
06:49This is the end of the hair-player bunch.
06:51We are not the hair-player bunch.
06:52Whatever, sorry.
06:53This is the end of Spunk Bubble.
06:54This is the end of Mama's Kum Kod.
06:56This is not the end of Mama's Kum Kod, Jez, because I never agreed to it being Mama's Kum Kod.
07:00Look, if this is it, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.
07:06This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, isn't it?
07:09One minute it's all, oh, I love you, man.
07:12And next it's, where's that 50 quid you owe me?
07:14Look, I'm just saying, I need money and...
07:16Hey, listen, mate.
07:17Shit is as shit does, my friend.
07:20Oh, look, Jez, I'm sorry, mate, this is all bullshit.
07:25We can't just let the hair-player bunch...
07:27We are not the hair-player bunch!
07:29A bloody swastika.
07:31That is the single worst single bloody idea ever.
07:35I mean, a swastika.
07:37It's gone.
07:38It's happened.
07:39Oh, yeah.
07:40Do what Jeremy would do.
07:41Thanks, Jeremy, you tit.
07:43Yeah, perfect plan.
07:48I want to fax this off, then.
07:50Oh, Tony, I feel incredibly tired.
07:52Let's just both lie down on your bed.
07:54I hope she gets out the bong and not the fucking cafetiere.
07:58Yeah, so I was wondering, you're an urban switched-on kind of lady.
08:01You've probably got a fax machine and all that stuff, right?
08:04A fax machine?
08:05Yeah, right.
08:06Like, I'd have a fax machine.
08:08What have you, just come from the 1980s?
08:10This is like that movie, The Spaceman and King Arthur, but in reverse.
08:15Yeah, no, I've just got this crappy job application.
08:18Right.
08:20Okay.
08:22Listen, tell me something, Jeremy.
08:25Have you ever tried to do the washing up without using washing up liquid?
08:29What?
08:30Has Mark been talking to you?
08:32Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush, a sponge or a scouring pad?
08:39I don't think so.
08:40So, what you're saying is these kind of products are essential.
08:44The kind of products no one could do without.
08:47Well, you're kind of making me say that, but...
08:50Now, the first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling.
08:54Okay?
08:57Right.
08:58Good.
09:00What's pyramid selling?
09:02Enter the pit of Sarlacc, little crisps.
09:06She's ignoring me.
09:07Of course she's ignoring me.
09:09This morning I sent her a bloody swastika.
09:11Jesus.
09:12This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever and...
09:16Relax, Mark.
09:17You're not Hitler in his bunker.
09:19He was really under the cosh.
09:21Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend.
09:23Okay, enough mooning.
09:25Let's strap on the nose bag and eat some serious work.
09:29I mean, does that look like a pyramid to you?
09:31Clearly, it's not a pyramid.
09:33It's a pie.
09:35And it's like a big lovely club with free money for everyone.
09:40I mean, it sounds great, but...
09:42Free money for everyone?
09:43Ha!
09:44Look out the window, Jeremy.
09:46That's never going to happen.
09:47Not in this old world.
09:48No.
09:49See, the early birds are going to find their bird table covered in money pie.
09:58Right.
09:59But the Johnny and Sally-come-latelys, they get a slice of the pie,
10:03but then they look closer.
10:04And, oh dear, it's only pastry.
10:07Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally.
10:10Are you with me?
10:14Blown it with Sophie?
10:16Who's next?
10:17Big Sue's.
10:18Never met her.
10:19Not necessarily a disadvantage.
10:21Why don't I get this fixed?
10:23Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?
10:26Every night, it's fifth...
10:27Ah, it always comes out eventually.
10:29Fuck it.
10:32Hey, Mark.
10:33Like the cartoon?
10:34Oh, I'm so...
10:35You did?
10:36Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel, right?
10:40And she's handing me this heart of holiday pay.
10:44But in the heart, it's just...
10:48Race hate?
10:49Exactly.
10:51That's so Barbara.
10:52She's such a racist.
10:54Right.
10:55Exactly.
10:57Listen, Sophie, I was just wondering if I could get your home number.
11:00I mean, just for work, in case I need to swap a shift or...
11:04That is, if you don't...
11:05No, I don't, if that's what you want.
11:08She's actually writing it.
11:11There you go.
11:12See you later.
11:14Oh, hang on.
11:15This isn't enough numbers.
11:18Oh, no.
11:19It is enough numbers.
11:21Oh, God.
11:22I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.
11:25One step out of line.
11:27The slightest hint of any maverick behaviour and you will be out.
11:30Exactly.
11:31If it was such a bad thing to do things by the book, there wouldn't be a book.
11:35Have to keep an eye on him if he gets it.
11:37If there's one thing JLB does not need, it's a maverick.
11:41So, anyway, things went rather well with...
11:43I bet he did it.
11:45Oh, what?
11:46Just because he's black?
11:47No, I mean, not because...
11:50He was at the garage at the beginning.
11:52I know what you meant.
11:54Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.
11:57We already know he's the only one with the key to the lock-up.
12:00So, do you think I should give her a call?
12:02I probably should, shouldn't I?
12:04Oh, I really don't know if I should.
12:06Well, maybe you should.
12:08OK, listen.
12:09If God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call.
12:13If he's doing trees or critters, I won't.
12:16All right.
12:17Let God decide.
12:18Ready?
12:20Yeah, sky.
12:22Right.
12:23Here goes.
12:24Here.
12:26Now, with a large brush, I'm just going...
12:28The following name's been presented to us by temporary employment agencies,
12:31all of which have been inscribed to your national insurance...
12:34Answer phone.
12:35Ah, you see?
12:36He did do it, but for a nice reason.
12:39Who's the racist now, Mark?
12:41Er, Sophie, er, if you heard that, please ignore it.
12:44I'm not a racist.
12:46Far from it.
12:47Er, anyway, er, it's good to hear your voice.
12:51Er, I know it's only a recording, but you have got a bloody nice voice, and...
12:58God, er, I just called up to say hi, and then...
13:03Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid, like...
13:09I like you...
13:12I mean, not that.
13:15But, er, anyway, I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low,
13:21so I know it's not really your job, but, er...
13:24Well, you know, so, er, see you tomorrow.
13:28Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
13:30Oh, fuck!
13:31Oh, my God.
13:32Jesus!
13:33I've really fucked it, haven't I?
13:34Have I fucked it?
13:35Maybe it was charming.
13:36It was the behaviour of an oddball.
13:38No, not an oddball.
13:40Er, a maverick.
13:41Er, you may not play by the rules, but by Christ you get results.
13:46Come on.
13:47Let's go and have a drink.
13:48Forget about it.
13:50Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?
13:52No.
13:53Right.
13:55And tell me, Mark, how much washing up do you think you could do
13:58without any washing up liquid?
14:00I'm sorry?
14:01Exactly.
14:02And what about our friends and neighbours and colleagues?
14:05What?
14:06I mean, everyone needs cleaning products, and that's the one thing that's never going to change,
14:09right?
14:10Why are you talking like this?
14:12Well, that's a very interesting question.
14:14Now, the first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.
14:18You're doing pyramid selling?
14:19No, no.
14:20Not pyramid selling.
14:21I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
14:23No, listen, listen.
14:24It's not pyramid selling.
14:26It's network marketing, and it's in guaranteed money-making.
14:30Mark, I've seen the charts.
14:32Oh, the charts.
14:33There are charts.
14:34Why didn't you tell me about the charts?
14:36Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?
14:39I'm trying to protect you from pissing all over yourself.
14:43I'm not about to piss all over myself.
14:47I'm pissing into the big time.
14:50You're still coming to the interview?
14:52Yeah, I thought.
14:54Listen, Jeremy.
14:55You don't seem to understand.
14:56Nothing you want is ever going to happen.
14:59That's the real world.
15:01Your hair isn't red.
15:02People don't walk around on stilts.
15:04Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw.
15:09But in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
15:13Yeah, but if you get in early...
15:15Come Friday, you'll owe me three months' rent.
15:18You're coming to the interview.
15:20Okay.
15:21Oh, I'll come to the interview all right.
15:24But I don't think I'll be getting the job.
15:28What?
15:29Er, nothing.
15:30Just, er, something funny.
15:33Can you...
15:34Maybe she will think it was charming.
15:48Yeah, maybe.
15:49Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a...
15:51I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it.
15:55Because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time.
15:58Yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
16:00Me living in my crack house.
16:01Maybe you could be a crack bitch and sit on my...
16:04Shit!
16:05Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poo pants, bollocks.
16:07Yes!
16:08Blitzkrieg!
16:09I'm in the Ardenne!
16:10You can't touch me in the Ardenne.
16:12Concealed in the cupboard.
16:14Everything's okay in the cupboard.
16:16I'm safe in the cupboard.
16:20Mark!
16:21You're in the stationary cupboard.
16:23That's right, Geoff.
16:25Okay.
16:27Right.
16:28Well, erm...
16:29I hope you're having a good time.
16:31Yeah.
16:32Well...
16:33Hi, Mark.
16:35Hi, Sophie.
16:37I'm just in the cupboard right now.
16:40About the message.
16:41We'll talk later, yeah?
16:43Er, yeah, fine.
16:53Okay, here we go.
16:54Operation Come Over Like an Unemployable Freak.
16:57Jeremy Usborne?
16:58Hi, I'm Barbara.
17:00Do you want to walk this way?
17:03Right, you are.
17:04I might wobble a bit,
17:05because I'm still a bit pissed from last night, you see,
17:07and I don't want to get your hopes up too much,
17:09because I have to say...
17:11I'm only really here because, you know...
17:13Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.
17:15Mark?
17:16Oh, shit.
17:17Mark's one of the team of loan managers you'd be working for.
17:20Got to be really careful.
17:21Don't want to get the job.
17:22Don't want to piss off the land baron.
17:24He looks like crap.
17:27We have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak,
17:30and kept everything above board.
17:34So, erm, if I can outline the basic requirements of the role
17:37you'll be undertaking,
17:38you'll basically be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system.
17:44Now that probably doesn't sound very important, but the truth is...
17:47Shit, what are you talking about? Hmm?
17:49Nod. Look serious.
17:51I'm Di, she's Bashir.
17:53...is a portal through which the whole company communicates...
17:56Great.
17:57He'll be able to pay off the blockbusters fine.
17:59Plus, I'll be able to order him around.
18:02Not horrible, just...
18:04Jeremy, could you file this for me?
18:06Jeremy, could you take that for me?
18:08Jeremy, could you suck this for me?
18:10Jesus, where did that come from?
18:12Now, do you have any experience in this field?
18:17Er, I've done quite a lot, actually.
18:20I mean, not formal filing, but, you know,
18:22alphabetical sizing the videos, doing the spices.
18:25I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience
18:28in a professional zone... sphere. I meant sphere.
18:32God, that sounded amazing.
18:34Don't accidentally get the bugger.
18:37We're doing great.
18:39So...
18:41I see you used to be a nurse.
18:44Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?
18:46Yeah, I suppose it would, actually.
18:50Although I'm looking for something more relaxing.
18:53Challenging. He means challenging.
18:55I expect Jeremy knows what he means, Mark.
18:58Yes, right.
18:59No, challenging is right.
19:01Erm, but a bit more of a relaxing challenge.
19:05More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
19:08Right.
19:10Oh, shit, my natural bloody charm is only swinging it.
19:14I've got to do something.
19:18Are you okay?
19:19What?
19:20It's just a thing I have.
19:21What thing?
19:22Facial spasming.
19:24Facial spas...
19:26You do not have...
19:27I do, sometimes.
19:28Well, erm...
19:30I guess that's everything.
19:32Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?
19:35Yes, Barbara.
19:36Yes, there is.
19:37Barbara, how much washing up do you think you could do without any washing up liquid?
19:43No, Jeremy.
19:44Where's this?
19:45It's a unique business opportunity.
19:47It's pyramid selling, Barbara. I'm very sorry, and...
19:50It's not pyramid selling, Mark. It's...
19:52It's pyramid selling and you're making a fool of yourself.
19:54You're pissing on my bonfire.
19:56There is no bonfire.
19:57Because you keep pissing on it.
19:59Shh. This is low. This is really low.
20:02Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.
20:05What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean.
20:10Okay. Er...
20:12Well, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.
20:16Well, that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. Brutal reparations. I want the Rhineland.
20:25It's gonna be 1919 all over again. Fuck the inevitable backlash.
20:30Okay. It's okay, Mark. Later. Now, calm. Calm, honest and mature.
20:37Hi, Sophie.
20:39Hey, Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate in reception.
20:42Oh, yeah?
20:43Yeah, I liked him. He kept talking about washing up. Very funny. Like Jim Carrey.
20:48Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean.
20:50Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy.
20:52But, er... Listen, Sophie. About the message last night, I want to kind of come clean, really.
21:01It's a bit embarrassing, but...
21:05Well...
21:07The thing is, Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife.
21:14Er... I mean, he's obviously not a crackhead, but...
21:17Uh-huh. Okay.
21:18Yeah.
21:19Look, Mark, you don't have to... About the phone message, you don't have to be embarrassed about it.
21:25I don't?
21:26Of course not. It's just one of those things.
21:28Is it? It is? Oh, right. Fantastic.
21:32And you haven't told anyone about it?
21:35Of course not.
21:36Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
21:39Calm down. She's not bloody Pontius Pilate.
21:42Yeah, well, you know, the truth is...
21:46The truth is, I suppose, I like you.
21:50That's why I said the song, I like you.
21:53Is that such a crime?
21:55Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you?
21:59I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.
22:06No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.
22:10Good.
22:11Right, excellent.
22:14Okay.
22:19Bye.
22:20Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy. He was quite the find.
22:35Er, yeah, right, I'm really sorry. I mean, I thought it would be a good that he might, but...
22:43Hey! Hey there! Feeling better now, are we? Fully recovered?
22:50Hey, I see you! I see you!
22:54He used to have a limp. I mean, he pretended to have a limp.
22:58He's a faking little peg leg!
23:13Hi, Geoff.
23:16Well, fuck you if you're not doing small talk. I'm not going to help us out.
23:20Let's die together.
23:26And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I like you.
23:35I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies you heard the night before.
23:54And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true, it never seems so...
24:00I can't see you!
24:02Finally, I have to go and have to go and find some fun at home.
24:07I'm going to trade it!
24:09See you next time!
24:10Bye!
24:11Bye, Steve.
24:12Bye.
24:13Bye!
24:15Bye!
24:16Bye, Steve.
24:17Bye!
24:19Bye, Steve!
24:20Bye.
24:22Bye!
24:23Bye.
24:24Bye, Steve.
24:25Bye!
24:26Bye!
24:27Bye, Steve.
24:28Bye!
24:29Bye!