The Conners Season 1 Episode 3 TThere Won't Be Blood
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00:00Hey, this is a good box.
00:06We got a bloody foot on a hook.
00:10And a dissected alien.
00:13And some tax returns.
00:16Ooh.
00:17The IRS believes we have a home office.
00:20Ooh.
00:21Oh my god, you guys are not going to believe it!
00:24I passed my driving test!
00:26Apparently, it's pass everyone day.
00:29Come on, I'm not that bad a driver.
00:31I let you drive home, and you made a garbage truck swerve.
00:35You don't see something that big up on two wheels every day.
00:38It's like he was stopping at every house.
00:42That's what they do.
00:46And then to finish up, you dragged a traffic cone most of the way home.
00:49Luckily, that kid's skateboard broke it loose.
00:52I need a drink.
00:53Becky, where do you keep the hard stuff?
00:55In Becky.
00:58So can I use grandma's old car now?
01:00Yeah.
01:01But not to drive.
01:03You can sit in it and play the radio and go vroom, vroom.
01:07Your imagination is the road to anywhere.
01:11Well, I really do need the job.
01:17And boy, do I love house cleaning.
01:21It's topless?
01:22Well, that explains the $40 an hour.
01:25$40 an hour?
01:26Do they take men?
01:28Because I'll show off the girls for that.
01:30Um, I'm going to have to pass.
01:33But I will give your number to my sister.
01:36All right.
01:37So since I've got you guys here together, I want to show you my costume, disemboweled
01:44cheerleader.
01:45Aw.
01:46Look at you, all gory and sexy.
01:49Uh, I'm bringing a friend to the party, and it looks like it's starting to be a thing.
01:53So I wanted to show off a little leg, a little intestine.
01:56He's a lucky guy.
01:59His name's Peter.
02:00Oh, Peter.
02:01I want your opinion.
02:05I do not want you teasing him.
02:06This family has a history of chasing off all the unstable men that I bring into my life.
02:11But Peter's different.
02:13Oh, Peter.
02:15He's different.
02:17I'm serious.
02:20No teasing.
02:21Don't worry.
02:22We'll be good.
02:23Well, if you haven't dated anyone in, like, forever, we're not going to mess with whatever
02:26straggling animal you've picked off the back of the herd.
02:53The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
03:11All right, everybody.
03:12Get in here.
03:13We've got to get this photo in by 9 o'clock.
03:18Napoleon Blownapart is here at your service.
03:28So what do we get if we win this Instagram thing?
03:30The Scariest Family gets a case of beer and a six-foot everything sub sandwich from Jack's
03:34Liquor and Deli.
03:35Ooh, la bibliothèque.
03:36Becky, um, not sure what's going on here, but I love it.
03:46Sharknade O'Connor.
03:51I need more than that.
03:54Sinead O'Connor and Sharknado.
03:57Oh!
03:58Well, the important thing is you had fun.
04:02Scary J. Blige, you're in the front.
04:04Show your fang, sweetheart.
04:06I dropped them on the floor.
04:08Give me your fang, sweetheart.
04:10Big Game Hunter, you're behind the couch.
04:12Easy boredom.
04:14Sitting on the arm of the couch, staring at your phone, really sell the boredom now.
04:19All right.
04:20Why don't you tell me about your day?
04:22Why aren't you in costume?
04:25Oh, I can't.
04:26I got a job interview at McNasty's.
04:29That place where all the waiters are rude to you?
04:31You are perfect for that.
04:34Mom, I just texted a picture of my Fortnite costume to Joey.
04:38He told me that since it's based on a violent video game, they're not going to let me into the school carnival.
04:43Okay.
04:44I'm sorry, honey.
04:45I have to run.
04:46I promise you I will take care of this as soon as I get home.
04:49No, this is an emergency.
04:51They banned a whole bunch of costumes.
04:53You were supposed to get an email.
04:54All right.
04:55Hold on.
04:58Oh, damn it.
04:59Here it is.
05:00It was important.
05:01Don't you check your emails?
05:03I missed it.
05:04It was hiding between getting shaped today and your breakfast may be killing you.
05:09Well, this is stupid.
05:10What kind of costumes are they banning?
05:12It says no costumes that perpetuate negative ethnic stereotypes or are scary, gory, or anything that's saddening.
05:20Our whole family is saddening.
05:21Does that mean we can't go out anymore?
05:23It's Halloween, for God's sake.
05:2524 hours without laws or rules.
05:29That's the Purge movies, Dad.
05:33Mom, this isn't fair.
05:35All right.
05:36Don't worry.
05:37It's going to be fine.
05:38We still have two days to come up with new costumes.
05:40None of us want to offend anybody, right?
05:42It just has to be something other than a bandito, a geisha, zombie, ninja.
05:48Who is offended by a ninja costume?
05:51I've lived on land for my whole life and I've yet to run into a ninja.
05:56Oh, they're out there.
05:59And by the time you do see them, it's too late.
06:04All right, I got to go.
06:06Where are my damn keys?
06:08Look, Mark's your kid, but I know your mom and I would have fought this thing tooth and nail.
06:14Look, I don't want to get into it with these people.
06:16I already owe them money for Mark's field trip to the dairy farm to see how milk is made.
06:21Chinese kids are building robots.
06:22Our kids are confused about what cows do.
06:25Why?
06:27If you don't want a problem with the school, that's one thing.
06:30But tell your son this is a bunch of PC crap.
06:33He ought to be able to wear whatever he wants.
06:35At least this way, he'll know he didn't do anything wrong.
06:38I know that you and Mom felt that way, but maybe I don't.
06:40Some stuff does cross the line, and Mark will be completely fine in a different costume.
06:45Now, I hate to be rude, but I have to go someplace and be rude.
06:52So the food is good, the benefits are great, and you eat free.
06:56But you see, what makes us different is our servers make fun of our customers.
07:01People come here just to get picked on.
07:03Oh, well, that's something I enjoy doing.
07:06Just ask my kids.
07:07Well, and I see you have serving experience at the casino, and everything looks good, so, uh, let's see you insult me.
07:15Oh, um, okay.
07:18Maybe you should try to order something.
07:20I think I can work with that.
07:21I'll have the tuna melt.
07:23Uh, okay.
07:25Uh, okay.
07:26Ours is mostly dolphin and sea trash.
07:30Don't insult the food.
07:33Insult the customers.
07:35Oh, sorry.
07:36Now, come on.
07:37Let me have it here.
07:38Come on.
07:39I came here to be insulted.
07:41I love it.
07:42Uh, but this is a little harder than I thought.
07:45I've never had to do it on command.
07:46Yeah, yeah.
07:47But, you know, just go with the flow.
07:49You know what I mean?
07:50If you want, you could take your cues off my appearance or something I'm wearing.
07:54Okay.
07:55Um, I bet when you were a kid, you thought you were gonna grow up and be something, but you went and disappointed everyone, didn't you, Gary?
08:06You're a little man in a big chair, and you're gonna spend the rest of your life alone.
08:10Look at you.
08:14I'm not sure people are gonna enjoy that.
08:18Oh, am I missing something?
08:19I thought it was pretty rude.
08:21Well, you see, there's rude, and then there's McNasty's fun rude.
08:25You know, everything all in fun.
08:28We're looking for something more like, you call that a hat?
08:34Oh, okay.
08:35I get it now.
08:36I get it.
08:37Um, nice hat.
08:39Uh, maybe you should pull it down over your ugly face so people can keep their burgers down.
08:45Okay.
08:46Okay.
08:47You know what?
08:48I'll do it today.
08:49And, uh, we'll call you.
08:52I really appreciate your time.
08:53I need this job pretty bad, and I know I can do it.
08:56Butt face.
08:59It's not gonna happen.
09:02Just go.
09:04And my mother says I'm amazing.
09:10When did you start at McNasty's?
09:12I didn't get it.
09:13You didn't get a job insulting people?
09:17I was overqualified.
09:20All right.
09:21I know you're nervous about letting me drive.
09:23But think about the benefits.
09:24Like, when one of you guys are drunk, I can come and pick you up.
09:27No questions asked.
09:28Of course, the next day we will have a conversation about choices, but...
09:33It's okay with your mom.
09:34It's okay with me.
09:35Mom, can I drive Grandma's old car?
09:38Oh, if it's okay with Grandpa, it's okay with me.
09:41Grandpa?
09:42She says okay, I'm okay.
09:45But she's just gonna tell me to come back to you.
09:47Yeah.
09:48It's been our experience.
09:49The kids tire out eventually.
09:52Mom?
09:53I'm in the kitchen.
09:54We gotta get going.
09:55The carnival starts in a half an hour.
09:57Are you done with your new costume?
09:58Yep.
09:59Presenting one of the great artists of the 20th century.
10:09I can't believe you made that in two days.
10:12Rita Call, you look just like that famous painting of her.
10:15Yeah, you got a mustache.
10:17And one up top there is a backup.
10:21I just really like her style.
10:23She was in that art book Mom stole for me from the library.
10:27It was an art book in Lanford.
10:29Nobody will even know it's missing.
10:33Hello.
10:34Happy Halloween.
10:35Hey!
10:36Do not fear.
10:37It is not the real Invisible Man.
10:38It is my son Kazee.
10:40I don't see anybody.
10:41Where is he?
10:43I'm right here.
10:44I hear him, but I can't see him.
10:48Can I go inside now?
10:49You could already be inside for all I know.
10:54Thank you for inviting us over for Halloween.
10:56We weren't so thrilled about Halloween because last year you people vandalized us.
11:02We did that to everybody.
11:05Yeah, we talked about not doing your house,
11:07but we thought you might feel discriminated against.
11:11Toasted eyeballs, drenched teeth.
11:13So Dan, I would like to introduce you to my new friend, Peter.
11:17Hey man, nice to meet you.
11:19Great two-faced costume.
11:22Good to meet you too,
11:23but tonight I'm actually dressed as the mind-body dualism of Descartes.
11:29I've often ordered Descartes,
11:31but of course you know it's more expensive that way.
11:37What?
11:38Dan, when you invited me, I dialed up a couple of fun facts about Halloween.
11:43So hold on to your bicorn hat.
11:46More about that later.
11:48Did you know that Halloween came from the Celtic festival of Samhain?
11:54I heard that, but I didn't believe it.
11:57Right?
11:58It marked the end of the summer and the beginning of the dark cold winter,
12:02which they associated with death.
12:04Ergo, ghosts and goblins.
12:06I'll be darned.
12:08Well, we got cello with eyeballs in the fridge and beer if you want it.
12:12And Peter has a master's in medieval culture, among other things.
12:16Tell him the best part, honey.
12:17Oh, it gets better, honey.
12:20Repeating a word that was said before. Funny.
12:24But the best part is that the Celts believed that the boundaries
12:28between the world of the living and of the dead were blurred on that day.
12:32So they wore costumes to fool the demons, thus avoiding being dragged to hell.
12:37Amazing. I could listen to this man talk for hours.
12:41And I could let you.
12:44There's gotta be kids at the door. Maybe the bell's on the fridge.
12:48Uh, sorry, I might be boring you. I guess you're more of a football guy.
12:54Yeah, that's me, Joe Lunchbale.
12:57I read a book once, but it was a comic book. I finished her, though.
13:02Comic books have a very storied history.
13:04Many of the archetypes come from Anglo-Saxon myth, particularly Beowulf.
13:09I've heard this story, but you know who hasn't?
13:12Becky.
13:21Ah, and what are you?
13:23I'm Porr, back when Porr was funny.
13:26Hey, look at you.
13:30Listen, we love heavy Mark at the school, but he can't come in wearing that.
13:34Why not?
13:35Your son, dressed as Frida Kahlo, could be perceived as offensive.
13:39Did you get the email three months ago?
13:41Three months?
13:43Listen, I just found out I haven't had a mammogram in five years. I'm a little behind.
13:51I'm sorry, Mr. Swindell. What exactly is the problem with his costume?
13:55He is dressed as an Hispanic woman that falls under cultural appropriation.
14:00No, it's cultural appreciation. He loves Frida Kahlo.
14:03The guidelines were clear. He has not experienced what a person of that ethnicity has experienced.
14:09Therefore, he does not have a legitimate entitlement to use or wear any element of their ethnic identity.
14:15Could you just let the grapes go by, please?
14:18That's not a comment on migrant workers, is it?
14:21All right, go ahead. Go ahead.
14:25Now, please, I don't want Mark to miss the carnival. Just lose the costume. You can come right in.
14:30I've worked hard on this costume. I made it especially for this carnival.
14:34Can't I please come in?
14:36Listen, I get what the rule is for. I really do.
14:39But sometimes the good intention of the rule gets taken a little far, don't you think?
14:43Why don't you grow a pair, Mr. Swindell?
14:45That's right. I came up with that nickname 30 years ago.
14:48And start judging Mark on an individual basis instead of lumping him into some category on a list.
14:55Okay, we just want to go in there and spend $10, which I do not have, on the ring toss so I can win a goldfish that will die in my car.
15:03Or we can stand here and continue traumatizing my child, which I know I'm not helping by yelling at you.
15:10I know about the nickname, Darkleen.
15:14But I'm sorry. Rules are rules. And by the way, don't you still owe us money for the field trip?
15:19Yes, I do. And I will get it to you as soon as I get a second job. Apparently, I'm not rude in an entertaining way.
15:25Yeah, I think I'm going to go ahead and agree with that.
15:30God.
15:34I'm sorry I yelled at your principal. I mean, that is not the kind of example I want to set for you.
15:39No, that's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
15:42From now on, nobody's going to bully the kid with a psycho mom wearing a barrel.
15:47Well, we stood up for our principals and we did the right thing, and so we should be proud of that.
15:52Now let's go find some tall grass so I can pee.
16:00Aww, aren't you a cute princess?
16:03Choo-choo-choo!
16:05Uh-oh. I see you have a king-size candy bar.
16:10Caught this just in time. These are full of cooties.
16:15I'll throw that out for you.
16:17And I'll give you two candy corns and a popcorn ball we found on the couch.
16:25Happy Halloween! She's adorable!
16:29You should be ashamed of yourself taking candy from a child.
16:33And not giving me half.
16:36Here you go. I think you'll find the shame makes it delicious.
16:43Hey, Grandpa.
16:44Is this about the car again?
16:45No, I just wanted to let you know that I've been offered a job at the Dairy Queen.
16:49Good for you.
16:51But how will I get there, you ask?
16:53I don't really care.
16:54Well, since you brought up the car, let's talk about it.
16:56I can pay for insurance and gas.
16:58And I just have to say, you have the hair of a man half your age.
17:01All right, stop.
17:03Here's the deal.
17:04You're going to drive me to work for a month with me screaming in your face every day.
17:09When I'm sure you're not going to hurt anyone, you can use the car.
17:13Yes! Thank you! I will do my best not to kill you.
17:19Why don't you just get out of the car?
17:22Why are you being so hard on her?
17:24I don't want to wreck the car.
17:26Why are you worried? Just put on your insurance. I'm on there.
17:32Yeah, sure you are.
17:37Well?
17:38Well, what?
17:39Come on, come on. What do you think about Peter?
17:41He's nice.
17:42Nice? That's it?
17:44Before I had my sister around to vet my boyfriends and tell me if I was making a huge mistake,
17:49can you do a little of that? Just be honest.
17:52Well, he does seem to know a lot and he's not shy about sharing it.
17:57Okay, that's fair. What else?
18:00Well, he's the kind of guy that even though you haven't spent much time with him,
18:05it feels like you've spent a lot of time with him.
18:07Sure, sure. That's it.
18:10That's all you got. I just want you to be honest.
18:13Really dig deep. Really find some flaws.
18:16Roseanne would tell me how she felt and I'd blow up at her for meddling, but I'd hear it.
18:22I get it. Alright. I'm new at this, but here goes.
18:27I think I might hate him, but I really need more time.
18:31See? That's a different perspective. Thank you.
18:36It is a little weird that Peter doesn't have a job at 48 years old.
18:40I knew you'd try and destroy this.
18:44I don't know why I bother talking to anybody in this family.
18:47And by the way, do you know how hard it is to find a single guy in his 40s with a job?
18:53He's a damn unicorn! That's what he is!
19:01Hey, Grandpa. Hey, how was the carnival?
19:04We didn't go. Mark and I wandered around the creepy cemetery behind the old Lanford church.
19:10We found all these tombstones with Hortenses and Ebenezers and Obadiahs.
19:15How come they only lived till they were 40?
19:17Well, when people are constantly making fun of your name, it's just too painful to go on.
19:24So why'd you skip the carnival?
19:26They said I couldn't be Frida Kahlo because I'm not Mexican.
19:29And?
19:31Mom went crazy on the principal.
19:34You really went after him, huh? I did.
19:36Way to go, Darkling.
19:40Look, you were still mostly wrong, but this guy was mostly wrong, too.
19:44So what have we learned? Men are wrong.
19:47Uh, Mom, I'm a man.
19:49Yes, you are, son. Welcome to Wrong Island.
19:53Anyway, way to go kicking the snot out of that principal.
19:57Well, he's a beaten old man and he's wildly underpaid.
20:01So yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.
20:05Slow down. School's on.
20:08I see it.
20:10Aaron!
20:12Mary? Mary.
20:15Good prank, but the wrong time.
20:18Oh, sorry.
20:22Aaron!
20:24Mary, Mary, not a different time.
20:27I mean when somebody's not driving. Mailbox! Mailbox!
20:34Ha, ha, ha.