The Conners Season 1 Episode 5 Miracles
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00:00Just so you know, I had the chicken tacos last night, and my stomach's doing somersaults.
00:12But our specials look good.
00:14We have tilapia, which is some kind of a greasy white fish floating in cheese.
00:24Please don't make me carry that out here.
00:28Now that you mention it, that's exactly what I want.
00:32I'm gonna go exotic tonight, Beck.
00:34I'll have the pupusas.
00:35Take me away to El Salvador.
00:38Look, that's fried, and that's covered in some kind of chunky sauce.
00:42I can't do that right now.
00:44Oh, um, you go first, Neil.
00:47I'm still looking.
00:48Okay.
00:49Uh, I would love the three shrimp tacos.
00:51Pick something else.
00:52A lot of shrimp is peeled by Thai kids forced into slave labor, so you think you're eating
00:57scampi, but really, you're exploiting children.
01:00I got an idea.
01:01What if I just had one small shrimp taco, and I feel bad about it?
01:06Have the chile relleno.
01:07They're really good here.
01:08They're vegan.
01:09Yeah, I don't really like those.
01:11No, you will.
01:13Would you guys hurry up?
01:16I'm riding up this wave here.
01:18I'll have a shrimp burrito, and I'll have Neil's shrimp tacos.
01:23I don't know if it's those Thai kids' sweat or tears, but they're delicious.
01:30Hey, I'm not buying this food poisoning thing.
01:37I think you're hungover.
01:38I'm not hungover.
01:40Hold on.
01:42You're gonna have to eat this way down there.
01:48You and I are going to a meeting tonight.
01:51So Neil, what do you do for a living?
01:54I'm a preschool teacher.
01:55Preschool, huh?
01:56What's that, like, playing with blocks and stuff?
01:58Blocks and stuff?
01:59Oh, Dan, they are so far beyond that now.
02:03Oh, actually, no, blocks are a big part of it.
02:05Oh, well, the old ways are still the best ways.
02:10We try to inspire the children's imagination with nonspecific, gender-neutral, tactile
02:15objects.
02:16Why would you do that when there's TV?
02:21Excuse me, I just gotta go tinkle.
02:24Sorry, it's a work term.
02:30He's great, right?
02:31Yeah.
02:32Does he remind you of anybody?
02:33Not really.
02:36Here's a clue, because I want you to figure it out, David.
02:41What?
02:43No, no way.
02:47Two entirely different people.
02:49Wait, wait.
02:50That wasn't David?
02:51No!
02:52She's controlling Neil the same way she controlled David.
02:56He has the same jumpy, scared eyes as David.
03:00Are you sure that wasn't David?
03:02Hey, sorry we're late.
03:05I had to get Harris to watch Mary and Mark.
03:08We had to lie and tell her she'd get money for it.
03:10That's gonna be a fight later.
03:12Oh, sorry.
03:14Oh, Neil, this is my brother, DJ, and his wife, Gina.
03:17Oh, hey.
03:18We were just talking about whether people tend to date the same types over and over.
03:23What do you think?
03:24Oh, absolutely.
03:25For example, I used to have a horribly self-destructive thing for dominant women.
03:31They'd push me around and I'd feel awful, but I got over that.
03:37By the way, I really need to apologize for that whole shrimp thing.
03:40I don't know who that guy was.
03:44Oh, I think we all know who that was.
04:14The Conners is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
04:28I just broke up with Neil.
04:30Oh, how'd he take it?
04:33Um, he was devastated until I told him that he wasn't.
04:39I can't believe I was about to make the same mistake again.
04:42Well, it's never too late to change.
04:44I found that vocalizing my feelings really helps.
04:47Last night, I suggested that Peter might want to get a job.
04:51And he started packing his bags.
04:55And I decided to vocalize that I would do anything if he stayed, and he stayed.
05:05That just seems like desperation.
05:08To the untrained eye.
05:13I could use a laugh. What's that?
05:17I needed something to read, so I grabbed the new issue of Lock Him Up off the counter at the a.m. p.m.
05:22Nothing says fine literature like the counter at the a.m. p.m.
05:27No, it's a hoot. They print the mug shots of all the arrests in Lanford every month.
05:32This woman shot her mother in her garage. She said she thought it was a weasel.
05:38Does it say if she got away with it?
05:41Um, it doesn't matter. I don't have a garage.
05:46Well, the mug shots are pretty, but the real crime here is the writing.
05:50Hmm.
05:51Oh, whoa, they're looking for a writer with copy editing experience. I have that.
05:55Yeah, but this is just sensationalist garbage anybody could write.
05:58I know. I better get my resume together real quick.
06:02Okay, everybody get in here.
06:05Okay, everybody get in here. I have news.
06:08All right, you're never going to believe this, but I wasn't nauseous at work because I was hungover, Dad.
06:17I was sick because I'm pregnant.
06:24I can't believe it.
06:28Your doctor gave you less than a 5% chance.
06:31I know, but I had unsafe sex at work.
06:38You should speak at the high school.
06:42This is a full-on miracle. You were meant to be a mom. The doctor said that you were too old and too pickled.
06:50But God filled that uterus with life.
06:55He didn't say pickled. Darlene said that.
06:58Oh, yeah, that was one of mine.
07:04We got to celebrate this now, because once the baby comes, you won't get a moment's peace.
07:09I had to go to Afghanistan just to get a decent night's sleep.
07:14Mary thought she was always going to be the baby of the family.
07:16She's going to learn what every Conner learns. No one is special.
07:20To Becky, I think I speak for everyone when I say we can't wait to see how this plays out.
07:28God, I wish Mom was here. She would be so excited.
07:32She knows.
07:34So, you're going to tell us? Who's the father?
07:36Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Privacy, people. This is Becky's business and nobody else's.
07:44There is a father, biologically. I'm just not going to tell him.
07:49I don't need a man to raise my kid.
07:51You know, it's not a crime for a baby to have two parents.
07:54It's lovely to be independent, but not if the baby has to suffer because you don't have the time or the money to take care of him properly.
08:01I'm not trying to prove how independent I am.
08:04I'm not trying to prove how independent I am.
08:07You don't have the time or the money to take care of him properly.
08:11I'm not trying to prove how independent I am.
08:15There's other reasons I'm not telling him.
08:17Like what?
08:18Like it was a one-night stand.
08:22Oh. Well, let's check the Becky board.
08:26Number one answer, ding, one-night stand.
08:32I'm just saying I don't have a relationship with the guy.
08:35He's a stranger and I'm not going to have a stranger telling me how to raise my kid.
08:40He's still the father. The father has the right to know.
08:43And you're going to need help with money.
08:46I've got to let you go. You can't do drywall when you're pregnant.
08:50Why not? Pregnant women work all the time.
08:52Not on construction sites. They're dangerous and full of all kinds of toxic stuff.
08:57You know how many babies I've had to let go?
09:02And they always cry.
09:06So you're firing me? I really need the money.
09:10You can come back when you have the baby.
09:13Wow. I wasn't looking for support from the baby's father.
09:17But I thought I might get some from my family.
09:23Where would she get that idea?
09:31Sorry, I didn't see a receptionist.
09:34People kept mistaking us for the New York Times, so I had to let her go.
09:39Hey, I don't care how small it is.
09:41The fact that anything's being published in Lanford at all is pretty sweet.
09:45Here about the job.
09:46Oh.
09:48Nice to meet you, Darlene Connor.
09:51Ben.
09:52If you turn out not to be a nut, I'll tell you my last name.
09:58Waitress at the casino, huh?
10:01Humble brag.
10:05Why'd you leave the job right now and copy in Chicago?
10:07Oh, um, it was a combination of things.
10:11I hated the job. They paid nothing.
10:13And then they fired me. That was the last straw.
10:17Why'd they fire you?
10:18They started using freelancers, but it worked out because I had to come back to help my dad anyway.
10:22So this job would be perfect for me.
10:24And honestly, I think I would be perfect for you.
10:28Because your paper right now is just full of a lot of dry facts.
10:31And I think that I could really make the arsonists and carjackers people you want to know.
10:40No.
10:43People read this paper to see monk shots.
10:45To find out who beat, stabbed, or robbed who and if they live next door.
10:48Oh, and if it's a relative, you know.
10:51Everybody likes to see an in-law get taken down.
10:56Okay, cool. So why don't we take what you're doing and use that as a jumping off place?
11:01Or we do what we're doing and keep doing it.
11:06I get it. Go slow. Don't freak the readers out. Small changes first.
11:11Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Or no changes.
11:14And then later...
11:17No changes.
11:21Oh, yeah. Okay, I hear you. I hear you.
11:23Deepen the story, but just a little until you see how much better you like it.
11:26Or you do it precisely as I say and you can keep your job.
11:32Wait, did you just hire me?
11:35Yes. Oh, and the pay sucks.
11:38Oh, thank you.
11:41That's your office. You can go home at six.
11:44Oh, I have kids.
11:46Oh, I'm sorry.
11:49You can stay as late as you want.
11:56You know, when I first found out, I was so excited.
12:00But then I remembered I'm 43 on my own and broke.
12:03Maybe your dad's right. Maybe you could bring the baby's father into the mix.
12:07Just to help with expenses. Who is it?
12:10I can't tell you.
12:11Alright, I get it. The sanctity of the intimate act. The stoic silence between lovers.
12:17No, I mean, I don't know who the hell it is.
12:21It's either Ramon, the manager, or Emilio, the busboy.
12:25Oh, okay. A very mature modern dilemma.
12:30Like many of our most popular romantic comedies, but with much needed diversity.
12:37Well, Ramon's the manager.
12:39Is it wrong to tell him he's the father just because he's in a better position to shell out a few bucks to help with the baby?
12:45You are a mother. You do what's best for the baby. Go Ramon!
12:49Ramon.
12:53Um, Ramon?
12:55The Sprite's low on CO2.
12:58Also, hey, I'm pregnant and you're the father.
13:02I know because I haven't been with any other men.
13:05That's not mine.
13:06Normal reaction. No one feels it can happen to them.
13:10But here we are, and I'm sure you'll do the right thing by helping me financially.
13:16I had a vasectomy.
13:18Ironically, that used to be music to my ears.
13:24I assume I'm working holidays for a while.
13:30It's the busboy.
13:33Well, think! There's gotta be somebody else you slept with that's got money.
13:38Hey, he just told to me, um, to have my baby.
13:44Who told you that?
13:45Ramon. He said it is me.
13:48This is gonna get complicated. Could you help me out?
13:51The only thing I know how to say in Spanish is yes.
13:54Yeah, I figured that out.
13:58Just tell him the truth.
14:01Tú eres el padre.
14:04Esperaba que fuera la única persona en el trabajo durmiendo con ella.
14:08Pero no importa. Entiendo que ella viene de una familia con problemas.
14:12Y está claro que su promiscuidad debe de su inseguridad.
14:18Sabemos que Becky es fácil.
14:23¿Quieres ayudar con el bebé?
14:26SÃ.
14:27Oh, he wants to take care of the baby. The rest, I'll do.
14:33Muchas gracias. No baby help, por favor.
14:37No, no. Yo no estoy por vencido.
14:40Voy a arreglar la máquina Sprite y eventualmente te convenceré de que me dejes ser parte de la vida de nuestro bebé.
14:47He's not giving up. But first, he's going to fix the Sprite.
14:58Eso es tan divertido, ¿saben?
15:00Yo tuve un buen trabajo en una fábrica de automóviles americana en Chihuahua.
15:05Pero mi familia se envió en vuelta en la violencia polÃtica.
15:10Y asÃ, entonces tuve que cruzar la frontera y tomar ese trabajo.
15:14That must be hard for you to do this type of work.
15:17Es un buen lugar para comenzar.
15:19Una vez que mi inglés sea mejor, obtendré un trabajo mucho mejor y podré ayudar a sostener al bebé.
15:26You're a good man, Emilio. And I can help you.
15:29Not only am I Lanford's leading certified life coach, I can also teach you English.
15:34Gracias. Y si sigues haciendo esto, tengo que cobrarte por la fruta.
15:42Hey, Becky.
15:43Hey, Maria. Hey, Bridget. Are you guys ready to order?
15:46Yeah, two taco combos, please.
15:48And three margaritas.
15:49Throw in a margarita for yourself.
15:53Are you okay?
15:56I'm experiencing a miracle.
15:58It's a very small gesture. It's like two dollars and they're mostly ice.
16:05I can't drink. I'm pregnant.
16:07Becky, I'm so happy for you.
16:10You should be happy. We've been trying for years, but Maria has a tilted uterus and I'm shooting blanks.
16:18I don't know if I can afford this baby.
16:21I just lost my second job.
16:23The dad can't help.
16:29I just...
16:31Oh, honey. It's going to be okay.
16:34Thanks, guys. Let me get you your drinks.
16:41This might sound kind of cold, but I want her baby.
16:46Maria, we're not dingoes.
16:49But Becky might be the perfect person. I mean, we know her. She knows us.
16:53She could even still be involved in the baby's life. It's good for everybody.
16:57It's a huge decision for us that we shouldn't take lightly.
17:00Let me pound some margaritas and we'll talk about it.
17:05It's a little rough, but check it out.
17:08Driven by years of closed doors and systematic oppression,
17:12Eddie Ray Garrett lunged at the gas station cashier,
17:16who ended Eddie's career of crime with a full UNICEF can to the temple.
17:23The title is Give Till It Hurts. Pretty great, right?
17:27No!
17:29Very great?
17:31You have overestimated the reading level of our audience.
17:36Okay? You ever seen Frankenstein?
17:38Yeah.
17:39That's the reading level of our audience.
17:43And not the doctor. The creature.
17:46I'll give you till he lunged at the cashier,
17:50lunged at the cashier, but then we're out.
17:53Okay, but let's just say we raise the quality of the writing,
17:58then we get the doctor and the creature, and we increase our ad revenue.
18:02Look, you're clearly intelligent and have an obnoxious kind of integrity.
18:12That is dangerously close to a compliment.
18:15Well, you can consider it one if you want. It wasn't meant that way.
18:20And you are remarkably stubborn and self-sabotaging.
18:26I was wondering when you were going to know this.
18:31Seriously, you've built something great here.
18:35It's fascinating, it's macabre, but you just haven't even started to exploit it properly yet.
18:47That's where I keep my paperclips.
18:51And a dead moth, apparently.
18:55Look, here's the thing. The colorful writing is just the start.
19:00There is so much more we can do here.
19:03For example, I can create a website for us. That's a great way to attract younger readers.
19:08You know how to create a website?
19:10I do. I can have it up and running in two weeks.
19:16Okay, here's what I'll do.
19:19You are now the managing editor in charge of our new internet department.
19:25And you get 10% of all the income you generate.
19:30And I have complete creative control.
19:32Not even close.
19:35Hey, let's celebrate. Dinner's on me.
19:39Desperate and hungry, he lunged for his phone.
19:49Now you're just being a jerk.
19:52Oh, it's busy.
19:54Well, I think I speak for everyone in the internet department when I say I think we can go out for dinner.
19:59What do you like?
20:01Uh, Chinese? I could go for some shrimp fried rice.
20:11You probably don't know this.
20:13Most of the shrimp we eat isn't processed ethically, so you don't want to get that.
20:19Oh, you're confused.
20:22You thought I was a child when I'm actually a grown-ass adult.
20:30Yeah, I didn't mean to push. That's not who I am.
20:33Oh, great.
20:36Let's go.
20:40Hope you like them thick.
20:41They just about burned out the motor.
20:49We're gonna need spoons.
20:53So when you and Mom found out you were gonna have me, did you freak out?
20:56Only a little. We didn't know how bad you were gonna turn out.
21:01The truth is, I remember thinking, oh my God, I gotta be a grown-up now.
21:06I gotta buy life insurance, mutual funds, save for college.
21:11But after a couple years, that panic goes away.
21:15And you just forget about this stuff.
21:19At least you had Mom to go through it with.
21:21Yeah.
21:23Two parents isn't the worst thing in the world to have.
21:25Just doing milkshakes now, Dad.