The Conners - Season 1 Episode 1
A sudden turn of events forces the Conners to face the daily struggles of life in Lanford in a way they never have before.
Categories: Comedy
Stars: John Goodman , Laurie Metcalf , Sara Gilbert , Lecy , Goranson , Emma Kenney , Ames McNamara , Jay R , Ferguson , Jayden Rey , Michael Fishman , Maya, Lynne, Robinson
A sudden turn of events forces the Conners to face the daily struggles of life in Lanford in a way they never have before.
Categories: Comedy
Stars: John Goodman , Laurie Metcalf , Sara Gilbert , Lecy , Goranson , Emma Kenney , Ames McNamara , Jay R , Ferguson , Jayden Rey , Michael Fishman , Maya, Lynne, Robinson
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00What was this? Tuna casserole or potato salad?
00:05Doesn't matter. It's just stuff in mayonnaise.
00:07It's been three weeks since Granny Rose's funeral.
00:10Why are people still giving us casseroles?
00:12And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?
00:15It's actually a practical gift.
00:17When people are grieving, they don't want to have to cook.
00:19What about when the casseroles run out?
00:21What if the person who died is the only one who cooked?
00:23Then we keep telling people we're grieving
00:25until we figure out how to feed ourselves.
00:27I just feel bad it's taken us so long to give them their dishes back.
00:30That's right. Other people are dying,
00:32and their relatives are getting casseroles in plastic Tupperware.
00:35So...
00:37it's not like the Grim Reaper is getting a cup of coffee
00:39while we're piddling around here.
00:42Do we have to keep talking about death all the time?
00:45It just keeps reminding me of Grandma.
00:47Here, you go rest, hon. I got that.
00:52Hey, thanks.
00:55Hey, thanks.
00:57We could not have held this all together without you.
00:59Well, that's why I'm here.
01:01I know Roseanne would want me to step in and watch over the family.
01:04No, it'd kill her.
01:07But she's already dead, so carry on.
01:11No mother should ever have to bury her own child.
01:15Mom, you're 92.
01:17You're gonna see all of us die,
01:19and then you're gonna get buried by a robot.
01:23Hey, everybody.
01:25Gina!
01:27Hey!
01:29I'm sorry I missed the funeral.
01:31The airport in Afghanistan was under attack for a while.
01:34Still faster than O'Hare.
01:37This is all just fruits and vegetables.
01:39If you don't eat right, your heart can attack you like Granny Rose.
01:42Oh, I gotta take this.
01:46I just finished cleaning out Mom's dresser.
01:49Remember how she was always complaining that she didn't have any necklaces to wear?
01:53Here they are.
01:58Dad, you gotta start sleeping in your bed.
02:01Sleeping on the couch every night's bad for your back.
02:03I just dozed off watching TV, not the end of the world.
02:07I read an article in the dermatologist's office
02:10that said it's very common for people not to want to sleep in a bed
02:14that someone died in.
02:16Fascinating.
02:19About that, do you ever read anything that anyone wants to hear?
02:24No, usually not. No.
02:28Gina, how long before you have to go back to Afghanistan?
02:32Oh, they only give you a five-day leave for the death of a loved one.
02:35Aunt Darlene says that Granny Rose might come back as a bird or a grasshopper.
02:39That's really sweet, but I think Aunt Darlene should put away her yoga pants and pick up a Bible.
02:46Uh, not that crazy, really.
02:48Just reincarnation. Only about a billion people believe in it.
02:52Well, you better make your reservation in hell, then,
02:54because it's gonna be crowded.
02:56Reservation? We already have a cabana.
03:01Dan, can I talk to you for a minute?
03:09I just got a call from a friend in the coroner's office.
03:13Uh, autopsy found that it wasn't a heart attack.
03:16Roseanne OD'd on opioids.
03:19Not possible.
03:21We knew she had a problem.
03:23She was only on pain pills for two days after surgery.
03:25Then it was just ibuprofen.
03:27It's gotta be wrong.
03:29Well, I wish it was, but they think that she must have taken the pills right before bed,
03:34and with her health issues, it was enough to stop her breathing.
03:38Wait, what?
03:40Mom overdosed?
03:42That doesn't make any sense.
03:44I got her knees fixed.
03:47I flushed all her pills.
03:49Oh, my God.
03:51I found these pills in Mom's closet.
03:58These aren't even prescribed to her.
04:01She got them from Marcy Bellinger.
04:05Damn.
04:07That's the only thing from Mom's closet that I wanted.
04:19I cannot believe how far past due they are on some of these.
04:23Maybe we should just tell the bill collectors that Mom died.
04:26Don't you remember Mom used that herself, like, five times?
04:31Yeah, but I feel like we should really sell it this time.
04:39Are we horrible for laughing?
04:41Well, I'm tired of crying.
04:44And laughing inappropriately is what Mom taught us to do.
04:48I still can't believe she OD'd.
04:54You know what? I can't do bills right now.
04:57You know what? I can't do bills right now.
04:59I gotta finish my split shift at the restaurant.
05:02Well, all right, but we gotta get this done,
05:04so let's pick it up Friday night.
05:06I can't. I have a date.
05:08Okay, fine. Saturday morning.
05:10I just told you I have a date on Friday night.
05:14Becky, you can't stay vertical for one more day?
05:18Look, maybe you can handle this.
05:20I can't.
05:22I went through it when Mark died. I don't want to do it again.
05:25You're not gonna just dump all of Mom and Dad's stuff on me, okay?
05:28I've got two kids. I've got a full-time job. No.
05:31You're the obvious choice to take over for Mom.
05:33You already live here, and you're a scary little tyrant.
05:38You're just gonna compliment me and walk out?
05:43You're right. I'm gonna get my phone
05:45and find someone to cover my shift.
05:47I'm gonna do what's right.
05:51You're too trusting. You might want to work on that.
05:54Hey, you and damn Becky need to make up.
05:57What if she died, and the last thing you ever did was fight?
06:00Oh, hey.
06:02Are you thinking about how you and Granny Rose
06:04fought a lot before she died?
06:06Kind of.
06:08You know, families fight,
06:10but we know that we always love each other.
06:12And plus, it's in all those letters
06:14that Granny Rose left each one of us.
06:16Granny Rose wrote everyone a letter?
06:18Oh, God. Maybe not everyone.
06:22You suck.
06:25I might die tomorrow. Don't be mean.
06:33What are you doing?
06:35Um...
06:37Roseanne always wanted to do this,
06:39and so I thought that with all the company
06:41that we've had recently,
06:43maybe we could do something together.
06:45And so I thought that with all the company
06:47that we've had recently
06:49and the prior 40 years of unattended filth,
06:53um, this would be a good time to fulfill her dream.
06:58Uh, when will it be dry?
07:00I was gonna zone out in front of the TV for a bit.
07:03Uh, it takes, uh, three to five days.
07:07I thought about what I said,
07:09and I realized it was insulting and dismissive.
07:13I see that now
07:15because I need a ride to work.
07:21Sorry for your loss.
07:23It's on the house.
07:24I appreciate it.
07:26Um, does your sympathy extend to close friends?
07:31No.
07:34This is domestic.
07:36My loss is deeper than that.
07:38I think it goes all the way to Germany.
07:41Got it.
07:43Dad?
07:45What is this?
07:48What's it look like?
07:49It looks like a lawsuit.
07:51You can't do this.
07:52I-I just took it off the side of your truck.
07:54People are taking pictures.
07:55That's the point. Put it back.
07:57Look, I know that you're upset, but this isn't gonna help.
08:00It's helping me.
08:01Now, I can either do this
08:03or drive my truck through her house.
08:05Don't.
08:06My boyfriend did that,
08:07and he's having so much trouble getting his license back.
08:19Let's go, Chuck.
08:22The, uh, truck through the house thing,
08:24that's just an expression, right?
08:31Grandpa, this is Enrique and Joey.
08:33Hello, man.
08:35Listen, you guys can play in here.
08:37I got stuff to do in the garage.
08:38You don't have to go.
08:39They're leaving because I have to do homework.
08:41They just came in to get a drink.
08:43Really sorry to hear about your wife, Mr. Conner.
08:45Thank you, son.
08:46People die. What are you gonna do?
08:51Seen a little too much action in Nam, Joey?
08:56See you tomorrow.
08:59Hey, that's our cop.
09:01Huh.
09:04All right.
09:11I'll be out in the garage, buddy.
09:13Okay.
09:14Can I ask you something first?
09:16Sure, if it's quick.
09:18Granny Rose and I were talking about this field trip
09:20I'm going on Friday, and we never got to finish.
09:23There's these two kids who want me to sit next to them on the bus,
09:26and she was gonna help me figure out who to pick,
09:28because whoever I sit next to, it kind of means I like them.
09:33This doesn't sound quick.
09:38Are any of them boys?
09:40Yeah. Enrique and Joey.
09:43Would you like to talk about death some more?
09:49I just need to make a decision right away.
09:51It's really important.
09:52I gotta be honest with you, pal.
09:54There's a reason that your mom and Aunt Becky
09:56and your grandma offer all this stuff.
09:58It's a measure of my deep affection for you
10:01that I haven't run out of the room already.
10:07Grandpa Dan?
10:08Yeah?
10:10Did you ever like a boy?
10:13No.
10:15Does it bother you that I do?
10:17No.
10:19I was kind of waiting for you to tell me about it.
10:23Sorry I took so long.
10:26Why'd it happen again?
10:38I hope everyone is enjoying the movie.
10:40I'm having a blast sitting on this hard chair
10:42paying bills on a plastic tray stolen from Hometown Buffet.
10:46I'm gonna go get some more coffee. Anybody?
10:49I'll go with you.
10:51Don't touch anything. I've got a system.
10:56What are you doing?
10:57I am making life easier with the kitchen work triangle concept
11:01that I saw on TV.
11:02So, the flow should be from the refrigerator
11:06to the stove to the sink.
11:08Therefore, the coffee maker, which needs milk from the fridge,
11:12coffee from a canister next to the stove,
11:14and water from the sink,
11:16should be in the geometric heart of the triangle,
11:20which is right here.
11:29Where do we plug it in?
11:31Yeah. Yeah.
11:36I will go into the basement.
11:41I will drill a hole through the kitchen floor
11:46install a decorative pipe,
11:48which we can paint to match the ceiling or the floor,
11:51run a cable up through the pipe,
11:53drill a hole through the center of the kitchen table,
11:55install an outlet.
11:56Bam! We're making coffee!
12:05I think you've had enough coffee.
12:08You know what?
12:10Why don't you go home and get some sleep?
12:11I'm gonna need you for the long haul.
12:13Oh, no, I'm fine.
12:14I mean, I've got the time right now to do these things for you.
12:17I just need to finish.
12:19Yeah, you've done so much already.
12:21I mean, we can't sit on the couch or use the kitchen.
12:23I think that's a pretty good start.
12:26Oh.
12:29Oh.
12:33Where did these come from?
12:34Yeah, I found them in an ice pack in the freezer.
12:37God, so Mom was just hiding pills all over?
12:40Yeah, I knew you'd be upset.
12:41I was gonna throw them away,
12:42but I forgot where I put the trash can.
12:45I mean, once something gets outside the triangle,
12:48it's... I mean...
12:57Can I help you?
12:59I'm Marcy Bellinger.
13:00Can I speak with Dan Conner, please?
13:03I got this.
13:06You got a hell of a lot of nerve showing up here.
13:10Please take that sign off of your truck.
13:14No.
13:16Everybody's seen it already.
13:18You made your point.
13:20They all hate me.
13:23I can't eat.
13:25I'm drinking myself to sleep.
13:27I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
13:29Isn't that enough for you?
13:31My wife's gone.
13:33My wife's gone.
13:34What do you think?
13:36Nobody can afford their meds.
13:38We all help each other.
13:40When Sally Benson needed Lipitor for her husband's cholesterol,
13:46they got some for Maria Ramirez,
13:48and they gave her the anxiety meds she needed for her son
13:51because they dropped her insurance.
13:54Rosie needed painkillers.
13:57I had some, so I gave them to her.
14:00So?
14:01You're part of a neighborhood drug ring.
14:03Congratulations to you.
14:04You know what, Dan?
14:06You can judge, but Roseanne called me.
14:10She told me that her knee wasn't healing up fast enough,
14:12and I was the only person she could turn to.
14:15She said that she needed those pain pills to get back to work
14:18because you guys were running out of money.
14:20Don't you try to put this off on me.
14:22You gave her the pills.
14:24She took them. She died. You killed her.
14:26Dad, stop. We just found another stash in the freezer.
14:29It's not just Marcy.
14:31Mom was getting pills from lots of people.
14:38I never would have given them to her if I knew she had a problem.
14:45I know what it's like to have that problem.
14:48So, I just...
14:53I'm sorry.
14:56Darlene, can you drive Marcy home?
14:59Yeah.
15:16You okay?
15:18I don't know.
15:20Who am I supposed to be mad at now?
15:22Who am I supposed to be mad at now?
15:24I thought Marcy Bellinger was a pretty good choice
15:26until she ruined it by being all sad and human and stuff.
15:30How are you doing?
15:34Wish I would have known, you know?
15:36It wouldn't have mattered, baby.
15:38She was gonna do what she was gonna do.
15:40She never listened to a damn person in her life.
15:43Well, she should have, you know?
15:46Because I still need her.
15:49I still want to call her and say,
15:51how am I supposed to do all this?
15:54Your mother once told me that everything you needed
15:57she gave to you before you were five.
16:01I have no idea what that means.
16:04Yeah, I never could figure it out, either.
16:07I think it's something she got off a Snapple cap.
16:13Man, she was stubborn.
16:16You know, I couldn't even get her to close her robe
16:18when she'd go out to get the paper in the morning.
16:20And it was the neighbor's paper.
16:24You know what?
16:26The hell with it. I'm still gonna blame Marcy.
16:29Your mom would be proud of you.
16:38There's no place for the corn holders.
16:42They're not cooking tools. They're not utensils.
16:45I tried putting them with the Jell-O molds.
16:47That made no damn sense.
16:52It's okay, Aunt Jackie.
16:54I just wanted to step in, you know?
16:56I just wanted to step in and pick up where Roseanne left off
16:58and give you guys everything that you need.
17:00But I'm just looking for things to do.
17:02I'm packing and unpacking drawers.
17:04Nothing belongs anywhere.
17:07I don't even know where I belong.
17:10I...
17:12I don't want to go home.
17:14I don't want to leave this house
17:16because I don't want to leave her.
17:22It's okay. It's okay, Aunt Jackie.
17:26You know what? It's hard for all of us.
17:29And you're just exhausted.
17:31You just go home, okay?
17:33You come back tomorrow,
17:35and she'll still be here, okay?
17:38Yeah, but you need help.
17:41Oh, I'll be fine, you know?
17:43If you need anything tonight, you just call me, okay?
17:46Anytime.
17:48I just want to make sure that you're okay.
17:51It hurts.
17:53I know, hon. It's gonna hurt for quite a while.
17:56No corn holders? My shoulder hurts.
17:58Yeah, sorry.
18:00Sorry.
18:02Yeah.
18:04Okay.
18:06So...
18:08I think I should go home.
18:10Yeah, you know, DJ took Grandma Bev home a while ago.
18:13She's probably worried about you.
18:15Oh, that's never really been my experience.
18:24Yo, Junior, come here.
18:27What's up, Grandpa?
18:29Listen, my head wasn't in the game before,
18:31but now I'm gonna help you.
18:33What's this?
18:35We're gonna list the best qualities
18:37and compare.
18:39Joey, Enrique.
18:41Fill in the blanks.
18:43Joey is...
18:45Mostly depressed and kind of sarcastic.
18:49I like him because he...
18:51Wears black all the time.
18:54I see a pattern emerging here.
18:57Okay.
18:59Same list for Enrique.
19:01Sweet and funny. A robotics champ.
19:03He's always fun.
19:05Does his family have money?
19:08I don't know.
19:09They go on vacation and come back with tans.
19:12Florida people, I love it.
19:16Thank you, Grandpa. This really helped.
19:18Who's it gonna be?
19:20I like Joey.
19:21Joey, are you crazy? Enrique's a keeper.
19:25You don't leave an Enrique on the table when he's available.
19:29Still like Joey.
19:31What's going on?
19:32Grandpa helped me pick a seat partner for the field trip.
19:34He picked the dark brooding one.
19:36Ah, point for my team.
19:39Trust me, Mark.
19:40Being around dark and brooding gets old real quick.
19:43Uh, how about growing up with a drama queen
19:45that thinks she's all that because she got boobs first?
19:49Who got boobs at all?
19:53How about having two older sisters
19:55who suck all the air out of the room
19:57until you're practically invisible?
19:59Becky, did you hear something?
20:01No.
20:03Yes, you hear anything?
20:04Don't drag me into your weird mind games.
20:07Has anybody even noticed how much better the flow is
20:10between the refrigerator and the sink?
20:12I like the sound of my trotting around.
20:15Wow.
20:16Anybody?
20:17Did you notice that?
20:18No.
20:19I wanted to.
20:20Okay.
20:33Uh...
21:03Yeah.