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00:30So, Sarah, you've got a yellow card, Joe, you've got a yellow card, Rob, yellow card,
00:41Joe, yellow card, Bob, yellow card.
00:44That's our first red card.
00:45Oh, that's...
00:46Oh, my God.
00:47It's me.
00:48It's me.
00:49Oh, no.
00:50It's got to be Richard.
00:51He's looking at me.
00:52Let's take a look.
00:53They didn't say look each other in the eye.
00:54Did they say look each other in the eye?
00:55Yeah.
00:56It's...
00:57Fuck you!
00:58It's Richard.
00:59I like it.
01:00Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry, but...
01:01Oh, no!
01:02Oh, no!
01:03It's been the best hour of my life.
01:04I've never laughed so much.
01:05It's just not fair, he fell over again.
01:06And also, I knew it was about to happen, Jimmy.
01:07Yeah.
01:08I'm sorry.
01:09And it was almost...
01:10That's why I enjoyed it so much.
01:11Sarah, I'm sorry to say, you now have to come with me.
01:14Come on.
01:15I love you so much!
01:16I love you so much!
01:17I love you so much!
01:18I love you so much!
01:19I love you so much!
01:20I love you so much!
01:21I love you so much!
01:22I love you so much!
01:23I love you so much!
01:24I love you so much!
01:25You now have to come with me. Come on.
01:28I love you all so much. I can't wait to watch you all on TV.
01:32I did one of those.
01:34Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
01:37Oh, you're out.
01:40Come on. See you later, funny boy. Good luck, you all right?
01:43You can laugh in here. It's much better.
01:45I know, I can smile and laugh. Aren't they lovely people?
01:48That's a nice hour. I would have gone as well.
01:50What's funnier than literally falling over?
01:53I'll tell you what is also good, Jimmy, is when someone does this.
01:55That's my favourite one. That is good.
01:58Laughing is a bodily function that apparently bursts out of me.
02:01It's just like a sneeze.
02:03It's there.
02:06The head-to-head was a bloodbath.
02:09Red card for Sarah, yellow cards for Rob and Joe Lycett.
02:12And I guess we'll never know what Lycett did in the toilet.
02:15Maybe that's for the best.
02:16All right, let's restart.
02:18HE PLAYS THE TUNE
02:21HE PLAYS THE TUNE
02:24I've made Sarah laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:27And I'm really sad about that. She's the only person I like.
02:29Yeah, no, that's fair.
02:31BEEPING
02:34How have I got my shoes on the sofa?
02:36I usually watch people on TV do shit like this and I'll be cussing.
02:40What's happened to me? Yeah.
02:41You can take them off, you know.
02:44My ancestors will be turning in their grave.
02:46Are they dead? Obviously.
02:49My nan's dead.
02:51Ages ago, that was. Winifred, RIP.
02:54Winifred? Yeah, yeah.
02:56She slipped down the stairs.
02:58Off her face, she was.
03:00What way did it go? And drugs.
03:02Granny? Yeah. What drugs?
03:04Just paracetamol.
03:06And a litre of gin, before you know it. Right.
03:08She's arse-backwards, bottom of the stairs.
03:10So it wasn't really the slip?
03:12No, it was my granddad pushed her.
03:14Rob Beckham!
03:19She landed in the stairs, if he brought her back up,
03:21he chucked her down again.
03:22Yeah, shame.
03:24Are you OK? What's happening with you?
03:26I just...
03:28Had a cough.
03:29She used to tell me all these little sayings.
03:31My nan used to say to me,
03:33never let another man wipe your arse.
03:35And I've stopped by that.
03:37LAUGHTER
03:42I'm going...
03:44Where are you going? For a ride.
03:46Oh, the hamstrings are too tight.
03:48Did you go to drama school?
03:51What? Did you go to drama school?
03:53That is so kind of you to pretend that that's even a possibility.
03:56Did you go to drama school? No.
03:58Did you?
03:59Has anyone here been to drama school?
04:01You don't hear that on planes very often, do you?
04:04What? Has anyone here been to drama school?
04:06We're losing cabin pressure.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:09So funny.
04:14What, she's got, like, a jar of innards?
04:18Are you hungry?
04:20What have you got? Some placenta.
04:22What does it taste like?
04:24Beef? Beef.
04:27I don't think I want to eat your placenta.
04:29Did you refrigerate it on the way here
04:31or has it just been in the back seat of the cab?
04:33It's been in the car and it's been hot.
04:35It's a bit like ketchup debate.
04:36Do you put placenta in the fridge or do you keep it out?
04:38LAUGHTER
04:40Good protein. Good for the brain.
04:42How do you log that on MyFitnessPal?
04:45I just put it under yoghurt.
04:49Yeah.
04:53Who do you want to see next? We'll get someone to play their joker.
04:57Joe Wilkinson.
04:59From his brain, it could be anything. I mean...
05:01Do you think we'll all stay in touch after this?
05:04Yeah.
05:05Who'd have thought so?
05:06PHONE RINGS
05:07I'm going to answer this cos I don't see...
05:09PHONE RINGS
05:12Hello?
05:13Hi, could you ask Joe Wilkinson to play his joker, please?
05:17Um, Joe Wilkinson?
05:20All right, love you, bye.
05:21Could you...
05:22Jimmy says...
05:24he wants you to do the joker now.
05:28Harry, he looks so sad.
05:31Have a rice cake. No, no.
05:33No.
05:35No.
05:36No.
05:37No. That one hit.
05:38The last one hit.
05:42PHONE RINGS
05:45Oh, not in that dress, Princess.
05:52Oh, hello again.
05:53Hello.
05:55This is going to be hard.
05:56Mm.
05:59I was nearly laughing, just at the sight of Joe,
06:03and then I got very fearful, knowing that he was going to speak.
06:08You may...
06:10You may have noticed that, um,
06:15I'm standing in front of a large RNLI print-out.
06:23APPLAUSE
06:27Um, this was printed for me by the production team.
06:32I didn't have to pay for it.
06:34APPLAUSE
06:40Um...
06:42So, thank you, um, everyone involved.
06:47And the reason, um, I thought it was important
06:51was, um, the RNLI are celebrating 200 years of being in service.
06:58I just thought I'd do a small interlude, a small briefing...
07:04..about the RNLI and all the good work they do
07:07and have done for the last 200 years.
07:09Because this is meant to be an opportunity to make you laugh,
07:12but...
07:15..there has to be some light and shade.
07:17Oh, shit!
07:18There has to be some light and shade!
07:21Er, so... Go on, Joe.
07:23I'd rather you didn't make any noise. Sorry.
07:28Would you like the sound of the sea?
07:30Yes, please, Bob.
07:31Shh!
07:32Shh! Thank you.
07:33Son of a gun. Thank you.
07:36Iowa, he's in trouble. Iowa has it. It's really flailing.
07:39Son of a gun.
07:40The Royal National Lifeboat Institution,
07:43or...
07:45..the RNLI,
07:47is a charity that provides a 24-7 lifeboat search and rescue service
07:52around the coasts of the United Kingdom
07:56and the Republic of Ireland.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:07SIGHS
08:10LAUGHTER
08:15SIGHS
08:16Sorry, guys.
08:19APPLAUSE
08:24Oh, Joe!
08:29Oh, who laughed?
08:30Why am I slaving away trying to write jokes when Joe Wilkinson can literally read a bland
08:39speech about the RNLI?
08:41It's not fair.
08:42You bastard.
08:43You guys.
08:44You're a piece of shit.
08:45You bastard.
08:46That was painfully hard.
08:47You are a piece of shit.
08:48He never comes in happy, does he?
08:49No.
08:50I'll never quite get over Jimmy's walk.
08:51When he's not on telly, he's a lumberer.
08:52He's quite kind of like that.
09:03His posture's awful.
09:04That was lovely.
09:05Well, thank you.
09:07A fitting tribute to those brave men.
09:09Yeah.
09:10And women.
09:11And women.
09:12Okay.
09:13We've got another card.
09:16Let's have a look.
09:17The RNLI is a charity that provides a 24-7 lifeboat search and rescue service around
09:25the coasts of the United Kingdom and the Republic of Ireland.
09:32Oh, Joe.
09:35Joe, I'm so sorry.
09:49I've got to say, you look absolutely magnificent.
09:51It was brilliant.
09:53It was magnificent.
09:54What was the spaff in your face?
09:55That's trade secrets.
09:57Okay.
09:58Joe, well done.
09:59You'll come with me.
10:00Come on.
10:01I thought there was a good chance I'd be out because I laugh a lot.
10:04It's a bit like suppressing a fart.
10:06After a while, it just becomes, like, bad for your internal organs.
10:09Come on, you.
10:10Jaws.
10:11It's good, though, isn't it?
10:12Yeah.
10:13No, get back.
10:14So good.
10:15I actually got a stitch doing that run.
10:16What, through the door?
10:17Yeah.
10:18Yay!
10:19Where's Stringfair?
10:20I'm here.
10:21Yeah.
10:22Hang on, Joe, you're in there.
10:23Hello, Charlie.
10:24Hello.
10:25Hello.
10:26Hello.
10:27Hello.
10:28Hello.
10:29Hello.
10:30Hello.
10:31Hello.
10:32Hello.
10:34Hello, Charlie.
10:35How are you?
10:36Well done.
10:37You were very funny.
10:38Fucking hell, it was so hard.
10:39Really funny.
10:40So Joe Lycett is sunk, and even the RNLI can't help him now.
10:43He's out of the game.
10:45Let's restart the game.
10:47It's funny watching it in here now.
10:49Oh, it's so much nicer in here.
10:50You need to watch everyone's conversations at the same time.
10:51We're on the toilet.
10:52I can't stop eating.
10:53I do need to go to the toilet, and that is not gameplay, that is.
11:00Well, if it is gameplay, you'd do it in the middle of the room, wouldn't you?
11:06I love crab.
11:07Dark meat as well.
11:08Some oysters.
11:09You'll do an oyster jury?
11:10Yeah.
11:11Have you ever been sick on one?
11:12No, I've not.
11:13Is it really bad?
11:14It's terrifying, yeah.
11:15I don't know that it's worth it, Julie.
11:16I know they are delicious.
11:17But it's not.
11:18I don't know whether it's worth it.
11:19Are oysters bad for you?
11:20Well...
11:21If you get a bad one, man.
11:22Yeah.
11:23Yeah.
11:24Yeah.
11:25Yeah.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Yeah.
11:28Yeah.
11:29If you get a bad one, you are...
11:31I had one once and then got eczema.
11:33From an oyster?
11:34Yeah.
11:35I don't know if it was a coincidence or not.
11:37Norovirus.
11:38Have you ever had norovirus?
11:40Yeah.
11:41That is lively.
11:42It was so bad.
11:43I was upstairs, and the smell was so bad, I had to open the windows downstairs.
11:48From your ass?
11:49Yeah.
11:50And mouth.
11:55Difficult.
11:56You are your worst enemy.
11:57Yeah.
11:59Do you know that?
12:00Yeah.
12:01It's been said.
12:04I mean, if I'm honest, Rob, just to look at Rob makes me laugh.
12:07He's just that guy.
12:08You and Rob, you're, um...
12:11You're panic default.
12:14We do the same facial, actually.
12:15Yeah, and it's difficult.
12:16It's also my model pose.
12:17I learnt that on the modelling scene, yeah.
12:19Do you mind me sort of talking about the modelling scene?
12:22Huh?
12:23What I really like about this is Lou's gone full on the attack.
12:27Tell me about the modelling scene.
12:30Where do I start?
12:31Why don't, um...
12:33So, um...
12:36I was modelling full everything.
12:40Full face and bod.
12:48But it was for the full pictures.
12:52Shall we talk about death?
12:55Who's a tricky customer?
12:57She's got a lot of arrows in her quiver.
13:01Oh.
13:02Wonderful.
13:03What was that?
13:04Hurt yourself?
13:05What the hell?
13:06Oh, it's one of those electric ones.
13:08The electric pens, Joe got annoyed with me
13:10because I left one by him.
13:13Oh!
13:15Is that yours?
13:16Oh, my God.
13:18Oh, my God.
13:21Oh, my God.
13:22Is it yours?
13:24You monster.
13:27Bugger, what are you doing to me?
13:32Lou sent that for you.
13:34I nearly got myself out with her.
13:36Lou, what is this, please?
13:38It's like a light-hearted prank.
13:40What will happen with it?
13:42Just give it a try.
13:43I'm deleting you from my phone.
13:45I'm deleting you from my phone.
13:47Well, I didn't mean for you to pick it up.
13:49I was just planting one.
13:51I planted one over there.
13:53But I always click them.
13:55I thought I was having a problem with my thumb.
13:57Lou, as it's got an electric...
13:59...Mexico and saw a really, like, a little...
14:01She's going to the toilet.
14:03...dog and thought it was a dog,
14:05took it to the...
14:07She's going to the toilet.
14:09With the pen.
14:11You're taking the pen to the toilet?
14:13I would predict Judy will do an own goal.
14:15It does feel like we are pundits in here.
14:18This is my kind of sport, Jimmy.
14:20Try this one.
14:22Try this one.
14:24No, thank you.
14:26I can't have you say, try this one and hold your vagina at the same time.
14:28You went, try this one.
14:30Now that's not OK.
14:32Did you do that course?
14:34I've got to say, I'm enjoying this escalating.
14:36I think it was like the shock.
14:38Try this.
14:40You might do that with the loose women's set, but not here.
14:42Rob, what did you do at Canterbury?
14:44Tourism management.
14:46She found out.
14:52Do you ever go Toby, the Toby?
14:54Toby Carvery?
14:56Do you go big plate, little plate?
14:58I go big plate.
15:00This is genuinely what comics talk about.
15:02I had a Toby gold card.
15:04Unlimited Tobes?
15:06Yeah, can you imagine?
15:08He had a gold card at Toby Carvery.
15:10Wow, Bob's just plopped a stick on the table, hasn't he?
15:12It's covered in gravy.
15:16OK, it's time for a joker.
15:18Mosheen, who do you want to see?
15:20Bobby Mortimer.
15:22Oh, no.
15:24I'll get it.
15:26Cheers, Joe.
15:28I'm not here.
15:30And I mean that on all levels.
15:32Yellow.
15:34Could I speak to Bob Mortimer, please?
15:36Ben Waltimer.
15:38Bob Mortimer.
15:40Bob Mortimer, Bob Mortimer.
15:42I'll just get him for you.
15:45Hello, Bob?
15:47Nice using an old-fashioned phone.
15:49Hello?
15:51Oh, hi, Bob. May we play your joker now?
15:53We'll do that, Jimmy, thank you.
15:55Bob Mortimer.
15:57He's got the most soulful eyes
15:59and I just thought,
16:01oh, my God, you're going to be like this deadly assassin
16:03because you're so sweet
16:05and then absolutely, completely annihilate me.
16:07God.
16:09No.
16:11I'm going to sit somewhere else.
16:14This is going to be hell.
16:16Disaster.
16:18Exactly. That's why I'm on the edge, so I can move.
16:20OK, Bob Mortimer to perform.
16:22Eight comics left in the game.
16:24And key thing,
16:26the only person I've ever seen
16:28make Richard laugh
16:30is Bob Mortimer.
16:32I think this is going to be tricky for people.
16:34It's a kind of magic.
16:36Oh, yeah.
16:38It's a kind of magic.
16:40It's a kind of magic.
16:42Oh, help me, Lord.
17:04Shh.
17:06Oh, Joe.
17:08Look at Joe.
17:12Look at Joe.
17:32Shh.
17:42Is this a kind of magic?
17:46It's just magic.
17:47Is this a kind of magic?
17:49That can't be all.
17:57This rage that lasts a thousand years
18:03will soon be done.
18:08It's magic.
18:09That burns inside of me.
18:14I'm hearing secrets.
18:19I'm alone.
18:22There's a bell that rings inside your mind.
18:29I'm gone. I'm fully gone.
18:33The doors have turned.
18:40Is this a kind of magic?
18:50Is this a kind of magic?
18:53This rage that lasts a thousand years
19:13will soon be, will soon be, will soon be done.
19:19There we are.
19:22It's just magic.
19:26Wow.
19:28Wow.
19:29Oh my God, I need that light to go on time.
19:32Fuck.
19:34It's a sort of unfathomable brilliance, Bob's.
19:38It's beyond analysis.
19:40There's kind of Bob and then there's everyone else, in a way.
19:43And not just in here, I just mean wherever you are.
19:46Even if you're in Tesco's, it's the same applies.
19:49Oh, well done, Bob. Well done.
19:52I mean...
19:56That was great.
19:58Bob, that was brutal.
20:00That was absolutely brutal.
20:02Yeah.
20:03I thought that it was going to make me laugh.
20:06It's so ridiculous.
20:08So I had a very, like, gladiator face on.
20:11And I thought, just for a moment,
20:13I thought Richard might be going to laugh, but no.
20:16OK, Joe there, he covered his face to stifle a laugh.
20:19That's not allowed. I'm going to put him on the naughty step.
20:22OK.
20:24Foxes.
20:26Would you take it?
20:28Joe, you covered your face during Bob's Joker,
20:32which is against the rules.
20:34Your punishment is to sit on the naughty step.
20:38Now, I'm sure you know how a naughty step works.
20:41You sit on the naughty step and everyone else will line up
20:44and whisper something naughty in your ear.
20:47Oh, hell no.
20:48Please, take your punishment.
20:50Assume the position on the naughty step.
20:52When I got sent to the naughty step,
20:54my immediate thought was, Jimmy's an absolute piece of shit.
20:58Do I sit on the top bit or the lower bit, Jimmy?
21:01The top bit, you fucking idiot.
21:08Oh, that is better.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:12Oh, I'm going to whisper something.
21:14OK.
21:17Do you know where those electric pens are?
21:20Cos I really want to use it in the toilet.
21:23I could do with two of those, to be honest with you.
21:26I'm a big... Are you holding your nose? Is my breath smell?
21:29Lovely breath. Thank you.
21:31I'd have a lovelier time with my breath and the electric pen.
21:36Mm-hm. Would you do it? Thank you.
21:40Judy's tactic, I believe, on the naughty step was to insinuate
21:44that she wanted to take something that was vibrating
21:48and pop it in her drawers.
21:52Is that OK?
21:54Are you queuing up? Bloody hell.
21:58I've got to get in there.
22:00You won't be able to hear otherwise.
22:03You're doing a really, really good job at showing off.
22:08Oh, you're so much...
22:10Loads of good bits.
22:12Mm.
22:21Joe Wilkinson, I've been watching you.
22:25You have the face...
22:27..of a cobbler's thumb.
22:30You have the face of an abandoned pug.
22:38But your humiliating grace does shine through,
22:41so stick it out, yeah?
22:45Shall I do mine? Yeah, go.
22:49This thing where sometimes when I blow my nose,
22:51something comes out of my eyes and I think that it's snot,
22:53but I don't know if it's normal, and I asked a doctor
22:55and he said it's normal, but is it normal?
22:58No.
23:04Oh, here we go. Lou's going to laugh her own line.
23:11Naughty, taunty.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:16He's gone. He's gone.
23:20Oh, thank God.
23:22So we can laugh now, we can relax now.
23:24What did you do?
23:26She basically blew in my ear and said naughty, taunty.
23:35I'm so sorry.
23:36Well, to be fair, it was the speed you came at me, which was...
23:41You know, it is a game, and he did laugh at naughty, taunty,
23:44and that's on him, really.
23:46Here he comes.
23:47Oh, shit. Oh, oh.
23:50Oh, straight out.
23:52Do you want to have a look? Let's have a look at it.
23:57Naughty, taunty.
24:00Naughty, taunty.
24:02Naughty, taunty. That's what did it.
24:04Yeah, she came at me at speed, though.
24:06It's good stuff, Joe.
24:07We were so expecting utter filth from you.
24:10Tone it down.
24:11Naughty, taunty.
24:13OK, come with me.
24:15See you, Joe. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So sorry.
24:17He's out. Come on.
24:19End of the road for Wilkinson. Doors.
24:21And then there were seven.
24:24Nice ring here. I bet it is. Is it?
24:27Of course it is.
24:29Everyone move up.
24:31Naughty, taunty. Naughty, taunty.
24:34I love Joe Wilkinson.
24:36You still have to play the game, so that was very conflicting.
24:40Lou, she is evil because she tells you she's a safe space,
24:45and she's not a safe space. She's appalling.
24:49So Joe Wilkinson is out.
24:52Night-night, my sweet prince.
24:54Hopefully we'll meet again one day.
24:56Oh, hang on, you're here. You're right next to me on the sofa.
24:59We're going to restart the game.
25:07I've put my parents in an annex.
25:10How's that working?
25:11My mum's a hoarder.
25:13What does she hoard?
25:14Weirdly, children's toys and board games.
25:16Are they child catchers?
25:18No.
25:19But do you know what the most interesting thing about hoarders is?
25:22No.
25:23If you clean out their place, if you gut it, they will die.
25:26Has that happened? Yeah.
25:28What, they just...? Just give up.
25:30Stacey Solomon must be killing them all over the place.
25:32She's got blood on her hands, Solomon.
25:34The trauma started cos it always starts with newspapers
25:37on the very bottom and it will have the date and the...
25:40So they hoard the newspapers, this is interesting.
25:43I used to keep a scrapbook of businessmen.
25:48And I would cut them out from the business section.
25:51A businessman? Yeah, I just like pictures of businessmen.
25:54When did you realise you was quite unique?
25:57I don't know, I still regret throwing those files away.
26:04I'm a qualified social worker and I'm a mum
26:07and my heritage is Jamaican,
26:09so we've got a kind of look that we give our children.
26:13So I was just trying to, you know, sit in that place.
26:19What I like is that you, at the moment,
26:21both look like you're on security.
26:23Yeah. Thank you.
26:25I'll fucking nut you.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:29That's what security is like, isn't it?
26:31Not in Primark. Right, yeah.
26:35Yeah.
26:36I've got to say, I don't straightforwardly want
26:39to commission this cop show.
26:41Wow. Wow. Yeah, wow.
26:43Cos it's got two women in it. That's right.
26:45That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right,
26:47that's right, that's right, that's right.
26:49I'm the person who's been labouring to reboot Cagney and Lacey,
26:53night and day, for the last two years.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57BEEPING
27:00Have I got a really red-shot, bloodshot eye?
27:03A little bit, yeah. I think you should stop touching it now.
27:06Do you know, do you mind? I've just got to use a cotton bud in my eye.
27:10I've got an itchy eye, I've got an itchy eye.
27:21Fair enough.
27:25Hang on, I've got a little treat for you.
27:27I think this might be very good.
27:31Does this look like I'm scared for her?
27:35Oh, God!
27:37It's got, like, clown shoes on.
27:39I'm right here. What do you reckon?
27:41Oh, no, don't do that.
27:43I'd love to see you laugh.
27:45Rob, do you want to see my party trick? No.
27:47Well, if you're going to be like that, I want to sing it with passion.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:51That's torture.
27:53I went to the eye hospital.
27:55And what did they say?
27:56They said your eye's just big.
28:06MUSIC PLAYS
28:36MUSIC CONTINUES