Category
๐ฅ
Short filmTranscript
00:00And, yes! Boom! Look at that. Thank you guys. Thank you. And thank you so much for coming
00:13to our little shindig here at the Dave Lang Memorial Theater. What an event, am I right?
00:22Big deal. Heckin' big deal. Give it all the way up for The Expo, everybody. And, yes!
00:36Look at that. That's all you. You're killin' it. Killing it. And you know what? So are
00:46we. So are we. Lots of changes at Devolver since the last time we were here. Lots of
00:53changes. Lots of progress. Synergies aligned. Efficiencies modulated. New management in
01:03a bold new direction. And we couldn't have done any of that without all of you. We've
01:11stepped it up, you guys. Stepped it all the way up. We've examined the industry and our
01:19place in it. We've worked hard to widen our excellence perimeter, engender fiscal aptitude,
01:28and re-intermediate intuitive strategies to promote cutting-edge, principle-centered,
01:38future-tested, high-impact, end-to-end mononectal alignment in the center sphere with a total
01:44linkage methodology concentration on our player base. And guys, I think what we've come up
01:51with is pretty exciting. You all know what's coming. I can't keep it a secret from you
01:57any longer. Guys, I am so excited to debut right here on this very stage, Devolver Digital's
02:06first foray into the Battle Royale play space. Battle Royale F2W, yeah! What a play space,
02:13am I right? A play space that we believe is the future of the future of the future. Shut
02:20your mouths, you miserable piece of human garbage! Oh, shit! Let's get this nonsense
02:27started. I read on the internet this one time that some of you had some proper shit
02:38to say about our press conference last year. That it wasn't professional. That it didn't
02:45feel like a real video games conference by a real video games publisher, what publishes
02:50real video games. That it was all some kind of joke. Joke. Well, you were super wrong.
03:01And to prove it, we have ramped up this year's Jiminy-thinger to include everything that
03:08you might expect from a production of this magnitude. This year, we have overly flashy
03:17graphics to distract you from mundane dialogue. Guest appearances from personalities that
03:24you can recognize and project some misplaced familiarity onto because you have seen them
03:30in videos on the internet. And whose appearance will serve to light up a predictable nostalgia
03:37response and it is 2018 and that is how marketing is done now. We also have this little guy
03:44faking like he's playing a new game on the screen despite it clearly being a pre-scripted
03:51sequence meticulously planned out and pre-recorded months in advance. But what stood out most
03:58of all? What really stood out in the flaming trash pile idiot island in the unending ocean
04:07of unrequested feedback from last year's press conference was that you simpletons, yes, you.
04:16You stinking bug fuck shit minions seem to think that we didn't provide enough new games
04:22reveals, first looks or whatever else you think might have made your dumb little life a little
04:28less pointless in that one moment on the internet that one time. And that, that hit us right
04:35in the feels. So this year we are bringing you those new games, those first looks, those
04:44reveals for projects that you never thought possible. The first is from Game Pires. It
04:54is their super max survival sim scum. You should buy it. It is going to make us huge
05:01numbers. It's probably pretty great, but I won't know because I do not play any of this
05:06garbage. Roll the garbage. Scum season two is gearing up with tech ones most violent
05:19offenders on display in our award winning survival broadcast with over three times as
05:25many drones. Viewers will enjoy the contestants most intimate moments, new weapons and gear
05:32elevate the action, but it's the trademark paranoia that drives the savagery to new heights,
05:38making scum a thrill for the entire family. Fear not. Tech one security is on site to
05:45keep contestants in line. Oh my. And of course, fan favorite Mr. Smiles is back again for
05:55rule enforcement. Scum. Welcome to the next era in supermax survival.
06:16All contestant corpses will be reused in scum for government regulations.
06:26Well, that looks like a hell of a lot of fun for the kids. Am I right? Go to scumgame.com
06:33for more information or don't. I get paid either way. Up next, we have Devolver Digital's
06:40newest bleeding edge technology innovation.
06:48Loot boxes. Loot boxes have made headlines over the past year and you, the moronic gobbling
06:56maw of consumer idiocy that you are, have shown little to no regret in just plain dumping
07:02your money into this deeply insulting monetization model. At the same time, in parallel, it seems
07:09we have seen cryptocurrencies roll in and jackpunch the global socioeconomic landscape
07:15right in the sweetness, creating an entirely new culture of massively unqualified financial
07:23experts with absolutely no idea what the shit they are talking about. If there is one thing
07:29at Devolver Digital that we love, it is talking confidently about important issues we are
07:36completely ignorant about and then fleecing fat stacks of cash out of an uninformed marketplace
07:42that really should know better.
07:46Ladies and gentlemen, I am thrilled to introduce you to our newest product. Loot Box Coin.
07:58Loot Box Coin is the world's first cryptocurrency that is so fucking secure, not even the owners
08:09know its actual value. Totally unregulated and absent of all civil, governmental, international,
08:18personal or institutional liability, Loot Box Coin aims to become the global standard
08:25in meaningless wealth acquisition and questionable financial stability. Loot Box Coin cannot
08:32be mined, cannot be opened, cannot be blockchained, cannot be walleted or crypto verified. It
08:41can only be bought through Devolver Digital with real, actual money you have in your actual
08:48bank account.
08:56Upon purchase, one of our hastily trained economists will create and send you an actual,
09:03physical Loot Box Coin just like the one I am holding right here in my motherfucking
09:09hand. What is it worth? I don't know. What can you buy with it? Probably nothing. Does
09:15the U.S. government consider it a form of gambling? Fuck if I care! Loot Box Coin is
09:22available now on the Devolver Digital online store for a price that changes every hour
09:28on the hour for no discernible reason. Don't believe me? Well go fire up a browser and
09:35check it out.
09:43Up next, we have a game that some of you may have seen on the socials via hilariously
09:50violent GIFs from developer Dead Toast and... It's pronounced GIFs. Pardon me? Yeah, GIFs.
10:02You said GIFs. It's an acronym. Acronym's pronunciation is determined by the creator
10:08of the said acronym, like a proper name. In this case, the creator of the graphics interchange
10:14format, Steve Wilhite, says it's GIFs. Choosy developers choose GIFs.
10:30Anyway, here's my friend Pedro.
10:35I've never been part of...
11:14I've never been part of...
11:44I've never been part of...
12:14The past few years, we have seen a new trend in gaming hardware. Companies reaching deep
12:26into their back catalogs to construct cute-as-fuck little miniature fun-sized versions of their
12:34legacy hardware, overflowing with classic games of yesteryear, asking you to pay a ridiculous
12:41premium for games that you owned 20 years ago and will be utterly disappointed by playing
12:45again today. Somehow, you all are buying these things up en masse. You are paying triple
12:53sticker price to some creep selling them out of the back of his car next to a dumpster
12:59out behind Taco Bell. And not the nice Taco Bell, but the sketchy one that sells fried
13:07chicken and pizza and always smells faintly of a mop bucket filled with purple drink and
13:12puke. You love these little nostalgic cash grabs and we have no fucking idea why. But
13:22who are we to pass up on this unique opportunity to separate you from your money? Margaret!
13:37I would like you to meet the Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic.
13:54This adorable box of plastic and nostalgia comes preloaded with 25 of your favorite classic
14:03Devolver games. Jeffrey! Yes, mother? Drop that super legit live demo game controller
14:09and come on up here. Show these people the magic that is the Devolver Digital Entertainment
14:15System Classic. The Devolver Digital Entertainment System Classic packs an SFPGA processor by
14:23Swedish manufacturer Lockhet AB. Um, this is a Sega Dreamcast. Shut up, Jeffrey. Rocking
14:30He repainted a Sega Dreamcast. Just putting it out there. Look, these aren't even plugged
14:35into anything. This is a Metal Wolf Chaos disc that was only released on the Xbox. It's
14:42not even a Devolver game. And it's Japanese and not real also. So. Margaret!
14:49Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop, stop, hey, stop!
14:59Now, it is time for our last game reveal of the evening. I know, I know. But this one,
15:10this one will really get the blood flowing to your nethers. It is 2004. I am taking you
15:18on a journey to 2004. Our good friends at From Software released a game that unbeknownst
15:28to them would lay the very foundation for the modern American political landscape. This,
15:37this game, this motherfucking legendary piece of cold-rolled amazing was forged in the most
15:49sacred elements of video game development. Mechs, explosions, and overly dramatic voice
15:57acting. Ladies, gentlemen, holy fucking shit. May I present to you From Software's 2004
16:07masterclass in democratic mech warfare, Metal Wolf Chaos!
16:27Let's party! Welcome to the White House. Michael! Richard!
16:57Yeah! Metal Wolf Chaos XD launches on Xbox One, Playstation 4, and PC later this year.
17:26Go to mechamericagreatagain.com to dispose money at your screen. Thank you!
17:36Well, that does it for this year's big fancy press conference 2018. It has been swell,
17:44but the swelling has gone down. Have a lovely night. We will see you all next year. Be sure
17:50and get validated on the way out. Okay. Nina! Nina! Nina!
18:20I've been to the future's future, future. They'll fix you. They fix everything.
18:51Take a look.
19:03Shark, start and roll.
19:08Shit!
19:10Let me see. Bring in the LED. Lock it down.
19:23She's on. Alright, what's the story? We were able to save her heart. What? I thought we
19:27agreed on total body prosthesis. Now lose the heart. Jesus. Did you hear me? Doesn't
19:33matter. We're going to wait for her anyway. Alright. Yeah, lose the heart. On it. You're
19:37going to be one bad motherfucker. Shut her down.
19:46We get the best of both worlds, the fastest reflexes modern technology has to offer, onboard
19:50computer-assisted memory, and a lifetime of Devolver Digital Executive Programming. It
19:57is my great pleasure to introduce to you Nina motherfucking Struthers.