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FunTranscript
00:00Dude, I'm so sorry.
00:03Don't take this the wrong way,
00:05but did you do this for the insurance money?
00:08No. God, you sound like the police,
00:10the firemen, my parents, my therapist,
00:12and the insurance company.
00:15Uh, we're here for you, man.
00:16Whatever you need, okay?
00:17Uh, actually, I was wondering if I could crash
00:19at your place for a few nights?
00:21Sure, of course.
00:22Ooh, actually, Emily was gonna spend the night.
00:24You slept with her?
00:26Nice.
00:27Well, I can't take all the credit.
00:29She let me do it to her, but...
00:33But I can always call her and cancel.
00:35Hang on, I know a place you can stay
00:38and earn some money at the same time.
00:40Uh, great.
00:41I just have to warn you,
00:42it'll involve humiliation, degradation,
00:45and verbal abuse.
00:47So, what's the catch?
00:51Hey.
00:56What are you guys still doing here?
00:57I got this. Go, go home.
01:01You sure?
01:04Yeah, she's fed, she took her pills,
01:05she's all tucked in watching TV.
01:07So, she's not too much for you?
01:09Are you kidding? I love her.
01:10She's great.
01:13Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
01:16Coming, Debbie!
01:20You call her Debbie?
01:22She insisted.
01:23So, hey, guys, thank you so much.
01:25This job is a dream come true.
01:34Was that a little weird?
01:36Yeah, I don't know why,
01:38but something about it feels unnatural.
01:45Okay, let's go.
01:47What are you doing here?
01:48I thought you moved out.
01:50Oh, yeah, I was going to,
01:51and then Debbie and I got to talking
01:53over dinner the other night.
01:54I didn't have any place to go.
01:56She likes having me around,
01:57so we both said, why leave?
01:59At the same time.
02:01It's precious.
02:05It's not that precious.
02:07I'd like to back you up,
02:08but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
02:15Stewie, I can't find my glasses.
02:18Be right there, Deb-Deb.
02:22They're probably on her head.
02:25Or in her neck.
02:26Listen, you staying here seems like
02:30something she would have talked to me about.
02:33Well, maybe if you called your mother
02:34more often, you'd know.
02:38What do you want?
02:40I kind of got the feeling
02:42you might not be okay with me
02:44staying at your mom's.
02:45You're right.
02:46I'm not.
02:47I think it's weird.
02:48Howie.
02:49It is.
02:50Come on, man.
02:51He's just going to live there rent-free?
02:53How is that going to motivate him
02:54to get off his butt and get a job?
02:56I mean, do you even have a plan?
02:59Hey, you're not my father, okay?
03:01And besides, your mother and I were talking.
03:03Your mother and I?
03:04You're not my father.
03:06I didn't say I was your father.
03:07I didn't say I was your father.
03:08Hey, calm down.
03:09You're not his father.
03:10He's not your father.
03:11Nobody's anybody's father.
03:14I'm sorry you don't like my life choices,
03:16but it's my life.
03:17Well, it's my house.
03:18It's my rules.
03:19Oh, okay, Dad.
03:21If I mow the lawn, can I have my allowance?
03:23Hey, don't you take that sarcastic tone with him.
03:26I have to listen to you.
03:27Don't talk to her like that.
03:28That is my mother.
03:29My wife.
03:30I said my wife.
03:32You know what?
03:33This isn't getting us anywhere.
03:35When you're ready to apologize,
03:36you know where to find me.
03:38Yeah, in my house.
03:40That's right, sucker.
03:43Guys, in the time you've been sitting here
03:45playing video games,
03:46I got the car wash,
03:47picked up cleaning supplies,
03:48and went to the bank.
03:50I put on pants.
03:54Kiss ass.
03:58Hey, I don't know when I became the mother
04:00to three lazy teenagers,
04:01but it stops today.
04:02You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
04:04What?
04:05Hey, I don't even live here.
04:08Yes or no,
04:09do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
04:11I do.
04:14And some of it's wool,
04:15so dry flat if possible.
04:21How old is this jello?
04:23Well, it's carrots,
04:24so I'm gonna say very.
04:29Sorry we have to do this.
04:31Bernadette's not wrong.
04:32She does work hard around here.
04:34Yeah, maybe it's a good thing
04:35if she stops babying you so much.
04:37She doesn't baby me.
04:39I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
04:43For your information,
04:44I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
04:48Face it, dude.
04:49Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to,
04:52and that was not a healthy relationship.
04:56You're right.
04:58It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage,
05:03starting with my husbandly duty
05:06of taking out the trash.
05:14Bernie, I made a mess.
05:17That was a big sticky mess,
05:18but I think I got it.
05:20It looks good.
05:22Look at that.
05:23You cleaned it up all by yourself.
05:25Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself.
05:28Honestly, I don't know why you complain to me.
05:32Okay, maybe I missed one spot.
05:41Just leave.
05:43Okay, here we go.
05:45Now everyone can see.
05:46All right, where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
05:52You know he won't be looking at other girls.
05:58Stop sitting on the end of his nose.
06:02Okay, okay, okay.
06:03Thumbs down.
06:04Next.
06:05Ooh, check out his tiny teeth.
06:07He looks like a man dolphin.
06:10If he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
06:15I love you, Amy.
06:22Hey, I'm starting to feel guilty.
06:24Aren't we being a little mean?
06:27That's a fair point.
06:29We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
06:33Look at Stuart!
06:38You may want to leave the room.
06:41That was incredible.
06:44It was.
06:45I just wish Stuart wasn't around
06:47so we didn't have to be so quiet.
06:49I know.
06:50It's not like he returns the favor
06:52when he watches his Japanese porn cartoons.
06:58You guys got a minute or are you still coddling?
07:02What is it, Stuart?
07:04Can I come in?
07:05Hang on.
07:07Should I send him away?
07:09No, it's okay.
07:10Thanks, Bernie.
07:15What's up?
07:16Well, I know the remodel is coming up,
07:19so I thought I'd make it easy on you guys
07:21and find my own place.
07:23Wow.
07:24I thought I was done getting lucky tonight.
07:28So when are you thinking of moving?
07:30Actually, I already found an apartment,
07:32so in a couple of days.
07:34Oh, okay.
07:36Sorry to see you go.
07:40Okay, well, thank you guys for everything.
07:43I really appreciate it.
07:45You're welcome.
07:51What?
07:52I just have never been in this room while you're awake.
08:09I really miss this.
08:12Once we get the house back to ourselves,
08:14we can be romantic in any room we want.
08:17Great.
08:18I can finally show you where the laundry room is.
08:23Boy, who would have thought when you asked me to move in
08:25and help take care of your mom,
08:26I'd still be here two years later.
08:28No, honey.
08:29Nobody thought that.
08:32Well, that's it.
08:34I guess so.
08:37This is weird.
08:40Yeah, a grown man moving into his own apartment.
08:43That's crazy time.
08:44See ya.
08:47Ignore him.
08:48He's just using humor to express how happy he is.
08:53It's okay.
08:54I know he loves me.
08:56Sure he does.
09:00Well, let us know when you're all settled in.
09:02I will.
09:04And I really can't thank you guys enough.
09:07Our pleasure.
09:09Bye.
09:10Jack!
09:13He's gone!
09:14Let's start in the garage!
09:20Boy, when was the last time Stuart cleaned this place?
09:23No kidding.
09:24Okay, I'm about to suck something up.
09:26What do you think this object sounds like?
09:28Howie, I don't want to play Lego toenail or pill anymore.
09:33So, what do you think we should do with this room?
09:35I was thinking a home theater or a gaming room.
09:38You know, like a man cave.
09:40Why can't it be a woman cave?
09:42As long as it has a home theater or a video game system and you're not allowed in it,
09:45you can call it whatever you want.
09:48I'm being serious.
09:49What do you think we should do?
09:51I don't know, maybe a home office or...
09:57Look, the teddy bear Stuart won the night we took him to the fair.
10:03He was so excited.
10:05Yeah.
10:06Now, no matter how hard they tried, they could not guess his age.
10:11I'll give it to him next time I see him.
10:14Have you heard from him since he left?
10:16No.
10:17I think he would have called once he got settled in.
10:20Maybe he's busy.
10:21Too busy to call?
10:22He wasn't too busy to binge watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password.
10:29What is happening?
10:31Are we missing him?
10:33No, that's not what his feeling is.
10:36Is it?
10:39Of course not.
10:40He drove us crazy.
10:41Like, when you were going to make that pie and Stuart ate all the blueberries.
10:46And he tried to deny it, but his teeth were all purple.
10:51That was pretty cute.
10:54Yeah.
10:55Ew, we are missing him!
10:58You didn't have to get us a baby gift.
11:00We have co-made coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here.
11:04Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor.
11:07If you're not in a hurry, I can dig you a koi pond.
11:13A foot massage?
11:14And that's not me being creepy, that's for either of you.
11:20This is very nice, Stuart.
11:23How come this one's on the back of an eviction notice?
11:26Oh, yeah.
11:28You mention it.
11:29Can I live here?
11:34Stuart, we'd love to help you out, but this is a bad time.
11:37We're about to have a baby.
11:38Or is that why this is a great time?
11:40Think about it.
11:41When that baby comes, you're going to need all the help you can get.
11:45Thank you, but I'm not really sure.
11:48Hang on, maybe it's not the worst idea.
11:50I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.
11:53That woman didn't get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.
12:00I guess you can stay for a few days and we'll see how it goes.
12:05And it's only temporary, just till I get back on my feet.
12:08Or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.
12:14When would you move in?
12:15Well, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm going to say now.
12:22But I am ready to be helpful.
12:24In fact, I'm going to go vacuum.
12:28Actually, I just did that this morning.
12:31Have you?
12:32And I'll dust.
12:33I did that too.
12:35And I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
12:39Howard just did that.
12:41Yeah, well, let him do it.
12:45I need to show you something, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.
12:50Of course.
13:00Yeah, I was worried about the date, so I got my hair colored to make me feel a little more confident.
13:06But that just made me look paler, so I got a spray tan.
13:10Have you tried showering, seeing if you could scrub it off?
13:14I did.
13:16You're going to need some new towels.
13:19A bath mat.
13:22And a toilet seat.
13:29I'm picking her up in an hour.
13:33What am I going to do?
13:36You mean, what are you going to oompa loompa doompity do?
13:40You said you weren't going to make any jokes.
13:43I'm sorry, I'll stop.
13:47Look, it's only a spray tan. It'll fade in a couple days.
13:50Why don't you cancel the date and reschedule?
13:52But I was really looking forward to tonight.
13:55You know what? Then go. Tell her what happened. Maybe she'll be flattered.
13:59And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they're hiring.
14:03Whitney, that wasn't a joke. That was a legitimate suggestion.
14:06Enjoying your book?
14:07So much.
14:10Why do you keep poking at it?
14:15It's fine. I'm shopping on my phone.
14:18You're the one who said you wanted to read more.
14:20Yes. I also tell people I only feed the kids organic. It's just stuff you say.
14:27Hey.
14:28Hello.
14:29Hey. How was your night?
14:30It was great. We went to an improv show.
14:33They asked the audience to suggest a word and they used Stuart's.
14:35Oh, cool. What was it?
14:37Coconuts.
14:39It was such a good one.
14:41It just came to me.
14:43So what are you guys up to?
14:44Reading.
14:45Oh, nice. I wish I read more.
14:47Well, if it's important, you find the time.
14:52You want to see my room?
14:53Yeah.
14:54Cool.
14:57How do you feel about this?
14:59That she can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
15:02You can put them in his room, doing stuff.
15:05Come on. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything.
15:13I'd like to change my answer.