Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Live from his luxury penthouse apartment in London's glittering East End,
00:04Dean Lerner, club owner, entrepreneur and publisher of High Class Gentleman's Magazines
00:09invites you to join him for an exclusive Man to Man.
00:30Please welcome Mr. Dean Lerner.
01:00Thank you, thank you.
01:08Good evening and welcome to Man to Man.
01:10My name is Dean Lerner, that's Dean Lerner, and I hope we all learn something tonight.
01:16Don't worry, there's no pressure to laugh, it's just meant to be dry.
01:22And I say learn because tonight we're about to spend the evening in the company of a genius.
01:28And my special guest is pretty bright too.
01:31Only joking, we're both geniuses.
01:36But this EVE's VIP visitor is one of the world's most renowned psychics,
01:40and he has acted as my personal spiritual guru for the past 20 years.
01:44Indeed, before I met him, I thought the astral projection was diarrhoea.
01:50So, so you can picture the embarrassing scene when he first asked me to attempt it.
01:54But since that unfortunate afternoon, he has led me to new heights of positivity and kindness.
02:05At his prompting, I've increased my already considerable charitable endeavours.
02:09I recently gave a terminally ill child a home karaoke kit worth over £200.
02:14Even though, under the circumstances, I might have been justified in simply lending it to him.
02:19He is indisputably one of the most positive, generous-spirited men I know,
02:29and I'm truly privileged to call him my friend.
02:32Please welcome the extraordinary Amir Shanann.
02:35Hello, Dean. How are you?
02:51I'm good.
02:52Don't answer me yet, because first of all, I would like to psychically energize the members of your audience here
02:59and all the people at home, so that they stay focused, stay positive, and more importantly, stay to the end.
03:06Okay?
03:07My second man.
03:08Okay, so which camera are we on?
03:10Hang on, I will sense it psychically.
03:12That one.
03:13No, hold on.
03:14Um, that one.
03:16Nope.
03:16Hold on.
03:18That one.
03:19Good.
03:20Is that...
03:20Stay there.
03:22Okay, come closer.
03:24Is my face filling the whole screen?
03:26Yes.
03:26Good.
03:27Keep it there.
03:28Hello, Britain.
03:30My name is Amir Shanann, master of the psychic hearts.
03:34Tonight, we're going to explore the inner cosmos of our minds.
03:38I am going to show you things you never knew about yourselves.
03:42I am going to wrap you up in the cotton wool of my mind, wipe away the dirty bits, and touch you all over with my positive energy.
03:51What you're about to see tonight will amaze you beyond your wildest dreams.
03:56Picture your wildest dream.
03:59It's pretty wild, yes?
04:01Well, take the wildest dream you have ever had, add it to the wildest night out you have ever spent,
04:06and the wildest animal you have seen in a zoo.
04:09Dress them all up in the wildest clothes you have ever spent a wild amount of money on,
04:13and then drop them all in a bin marked tame, because they are nothing compared to the amazing wildness of the amazing wild thing you are about to see.
04:25Tonight, on this show, you will witness real-life telekinetic extrasensory perceptive telepathic energizes psychokinesis, or key bending.
04:36Now, Dean and I are going to have a chat.
04:40We need you at home to send us your positive energies, so say with me, I will keep watching.
04:48Even if I have never made it through a whole episode of Man to Man before, I will keep watching.
04:54Good, great. Over to you, Dean.
04:56Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.
04:58And Amir has recorded more messages of positivity which will play in throughout the show,
05:03as the pace and interest inevitably slackens.
05:06Come on, Dean. Be positive.
05:09I am being positive. Most people will not make it to the end of this show.
05:12That's just a statistical fact.
05:15And you know what? Fuck them.
05:19Keep going.
05:20When did you first realise you could bend keys?
05:23I was about six years old.
05:25I was lying in my bed. I was ill.
05:28And all of a sudden, I heard a knocking coming from the window.
05:31I was terrified.
05:33I got up, I went over to the window, I pulled back the curtain,
05:36and I saw a huge finger pointing at me from outside.
05:41And after a moment or two, it spoke to me, saying,
05:45Fear not, Amir.
05:46I am the finger of Orion,
05:48and I bring tidings from the mighty hand of Rastaban.
05:52I have travelled through space and time to touch you.
05:55For I touched the caveman, and he knew fire.
05:58I touched Newton, and he knew gravity.
06:01And now I am touching you,
06:02and you will know how to bend keys by rubbing them lightly between thumb and fork.
06:08Yale, deadlocks, luggage keys,
06:10because all of these will be yours for the bending.
06:13But this is a mighty power, Amir,
06:16and you must wield it responsibly.
06:18That's what it said.
06:20It's quite a specific power to have been granted, isn't it?
06:23Just keys?
06:25Yes.
06:25Who knows?
06:26Maybe if it had been another finger,
06:28or maybe a cosmic thumb,
06:30or perhaps the whole hand,
06:31which is apparently what happened to Billy Joel when he wrote Uptown Girl.
06:34You know, maybe I would have been able to move mountains,
06:37or turn the seas red with blood.
06:39But bending keys is a level of power that I am comfortable with.
06:43And if it does go too far,
06:44it's nothing that can't be taken care of by a good locksmith.
06:47Cool.
06:48That's it.
06:48You also managed to tap into the psychic potential of others, didn't you?
06:52That's right.
06:53All of us have psychic potential,
06:55and I love opening up other people's channels.
06:58Well, we've got a clip of you doing just that.
07:01This is when you were on my old show, Dino's After Dark.
07:04Oh, yes.
07:05But before we see it, a brief caveat.
07:06It was recorded many moons ago,
07:08and since then, attitudes have changed.
07:11Here we go.
07:41Oh, yes.
07:43Hello.
07:45Hello.
07:46I didn't see you there.
07:48Come in and welcome to the party.
07:50I was distracted by the amazing psychic skills of Mr. Amir Shanann.
07:54Take it away, Amir.
07:55Thank you, Dean.
07:56Hi.
07:57I am Amir Shanann,
07:58and I am joined here tonight with...
08:01Kerry.
08:01Kerry.
08:01That is a wonderful name.
08:03That's a beautiful name, Kerry,
08:04and I'm reading your mind,
08:06and my answer is,
08:07I'm busy tonight,
08:08and I don't pack that kind of equipment.
08:10Come join in, love.
08:12There we go.
08:13Okay, now,
08:14Kerry,
08:15I want you to look for a moment
08:16into my eyes, okay?
08:18Look into Amir's big,
08:20beautiful eyes,
08:21and know that I am here for you,
08:23okay?
08:24It is just you,
08:25me,
08:26and your mind.
08:27I am going to penetrate your mind
08:30in a good way.
08:32You know,
08:32it is a little-known fact
08:33that human beings use only 10% of their minds.
08:37Tonight,
08:37I am going to help Kerry use 11%.
08:40Well,
08:40that's 11% more than usual.
08:42Dean!
08:43What?
08:43She knows she's not bright.
08:45Come on.
08:46Rude.
08:47Okay,
08:47now,
08:48I want you to focus on one part of my body.
08:51Aye,
08:51aye,
08:51here we go.
08:52Dean,
08:53don't be dirty.
08:54Oh,
08:54come on,
08:54I'm just being playful.
08:56Am I dirty?
08:57Don't answer.
09:00Anyway,
09:01have you got that part of my body in your mind?
09:03I want you to raise that part of my body.
09:06I want you to move it of your own accord
09:07using only your own latent psychic abilities.
09:11Okay,
09:11here we go.
09:12I'm going to focus and push everything down.
09:16Raise.
09:18Raise.
09:20Raise.
09:21Now,
09:21I can feel a little tingling.
09:23Something is happening.
09:25I don't know if you can see,
09:26but my right hand is raising towards the ceiling.
09:30I'm really trying to keep it low.
09:32This is very powerful psychic strength.
09:35Give her a round of applause.
09:36That is amazing.
09:37It's unbelievable.
09:38That is incredible.
09:39Absolutely unbelievable.
09:41Well done.
09:42That's amazing.
09:43Well done,
09:44love.
09:44Sit down,
09:45Kerry.
09:45You might want to rest your mind after that.
09:46That was a hell of a workout,
09:47wasn't it?
09:48Very well.
09:50Lovely girl.
09:50And after that historic appearance,
09:57we became firm friends.
09:59You were a regular guest at Dean Towers,
10:01and I took you on as my own psychic advisor.
10:03You were always bang on the money,
10:05weren't you,
10:05Amir?
10:06I mean,
10:06when I wanted to fuse a carvery with a disco to create the Bistrotech,
10:12you said it wouldn't work.
10:18And you were right.
10:19People generally don't want a pre-lunch lap dance.
10:23But you also gave me a lot of confidence,
10:26didn't you?
10:27You gave me the confidence to launch my own aftershave range,
10:30Midnight Spray,
10:32which was one of the more acrid scents on the market.
10:36But then again,
10:37I like an aftershave with a bit of bite.
10:39It was a real love-or-hate-it smell.
10:42You gave me the confidence to learn how to read.
10:44Up until that point,
10:48I was the only publisher in the book business who couldn't read.
10:51Which wasn't the hindrance you'd imagine it would be.
10:54I found it actually is best to judge a book by its cover.
10:58In short,
10:59you didn't need to convince me of your abilities,
11:02but others still doubted you, didn't they?
11:03That's right.
11:05Unfortunately,
11:05when you are successful,
11:06you are a good psychic,
11:07you run a successful nudie bar.
11:09Unfortunately,
11:10people are always knocking you.
11:12There will always be knockers.
11:16And ironically enough,
11:17it's the knockers I get the flack for.
11:20If you are successful,
11:21you are controversial.
11:22And that's what happened to you, wasn't it?
11:24You were punished for your genius.
11:26That's right.
11:27Not very long after that show went out,
11:29I was abducted.
11:31I was taken to a secret government laboratory,
11:34and I was tested.
11:36I was humiliated.
11:38Every kind of implement known to man found a home in my ass.
11:41Each week,
11:43I had to give fresh ass samples to different scientists.
11:46And do you know what?
11:47Not one record or document about my ass has been made available to the public.
11:52You go to parliament,
11:53you ask your MP about what happened with Amir's ass back in 79,
11:57and he'll look the other way.
11:58Those cowardly bastards came in the night,
12:01scraped me senseless,
12:01and left like ninjas.
12:02And for what?
12:08Because what can you tell from an ass sample, anyway?
12:12Fibre intake.
12:14I tell you something, Dean,
12:15having my ass dismantled in such a fashion
12:17only made me a stronger person.
12:19And that's what your new DVD is about, isn't it?
12:22It's about taking time out to love yourself.
12:24That's right.
12:25It is called Bath Buddies with Amir Shanan,
12:28and it really is about helping people learn to relax
12:31no matter how depressed they are.
12:33Okay.
12:34Well, let's take a dip with this clip.
12:39Hello.
12:40I am Amir Shanan,
12:41and thank you for joining me in my bath.
12:44You know,
12:45bath time is often somewhere we go to hide away from the world.
12:49How many times have you run a bath and thought,
12:52will this be my last one?
12:53Well, today,
12:56let Amir be your bath buddy,
12:58and I will teach you to love bath time again.
13:03Mmm.
13:04Breathe in those happy smells.
13:07Feel the softness of the bubbles on your skin.
13:11It's good, yes?
13:13Now,
13:14take your trunks off.
13:17Hey, come on.
13:18Take them off.
13:20I need all your channels open.
13:23There.
13:31Mine are off, too.
13:33There is nothing to be ashamed of.
13:36You have a beautiful body.
13:39No,
13:39don't cry.
13:40You do.
13:42See how the bubbles make all your skin warm, wet, and shiny?
13:46Look how your flesh swishes and swirls in the water like moonlit coral.
13:52You are beautiful.
13:53You are beautiful.
13:56No, really, you are.
13:58You are.
14:01Well, he's lying.
14:02You are.
14:05Close your eyes.
14:07I'm going to touch you with my mind.
14:10Feel my psychic energy soaking your unhappy body,
14:16soaping all that misery away.
14:20You feel light as a feather.
14:23You are floating.
14:26Feel my fingers darting all over your body like little fishes.
14:30Now,
14:33slowly,
14:34very slowly,
14:37bring your hands down in front of your body.
14:40Lower,
14:42lower.
14:44That's good.
14:47Even lower.
14:49And after this break,
15:02Amir is very kindly going to take any psychic queries you may have.
15:06Calls are only £1 a minute,
15:07and all proceeds go to the Dean Lerner Dare to Dream Foundation
15:11for age and glamour models.
15:14So,
15:15stay right where you are,
15:16unless you're currently in peril.
15:19Welcome back to Man to Man with Dean Lerner.
15:27Don't go away.
15:28I'm joined by the world-renowned psychic,
15:31Amir Shanann.
15:32Now,
15:32we've been inundated with calls throughout the break,
15:35asking for Amir's super sensory counsel.
15:38So,
15:38let's roll it through.
15:40Satu,
15:41can you connect our first caller?
15:42We have Sandra from Ipswich.
15:44Why does it matter where she's phoning from?
15:46I don't care what dead-end town she lives in.
15:49Sandra,
15:50sweetheart,
15:51you're through to Amir.
15:52Hello,
15:52Amir.
15:53Hello,
15:53Sandra.
15:54What is your question?
15:55I was wondering who the most famous person you've ever advised was.
15:59Oh,
16:00I think it'll probably have to be Margaret Thatcher.
16:02And she was great because she was such a good listener and whatever I said she took on board,
16:08although I have to say I made a bit of a mistake with the whole Falklands thing,
16:11because I thought, I didn't realise they were near Argentina.
16:15I thought they were in the channel.
16:16You know,
16:16I actually thought it was where they made Bergerac,
16:18which is why I said defend them with all we've got.
16:20Who have we got next?
16:23Line two.
16:24The caller's name is Susan.
16:26Hello,
16:26Susan.
16:27What's your question?
16:28I'm 38 stone and I can't leave the house.
16:31Well,
16:32that's more of a statement than a question,
16:33love.
16:38Next.
16:39No,
16:39no,
16:39no.
16:41No.
16:42No,
16:43no,
16:43no.
16:43I want to take this one,
16:45Dean,
16:45because this sounds like a very sad story.
16:47It's hardly a story.
16:49She's given us a unit of measurement.
16:52Admittedly,
16:53it's a large unit of measurement,
16:54but it doesn't make a tale.
16:56Listen,
16:56I know a lot about this because when I was younger,
17:00I was convicted and imprisoned myself for comfort feeding small animals to death.
17:05Because I know for a fact that when someone is unhappy,
17:09they will tend to overeat.
17:11Yeah,
17:11which ironically means no one will love you.
17:14Can we get a picture of Amir's video up?
17:18There we go.
17:23Okay.
17:24Does that answer your question,
17:25Susan?
17:26Not really.
17:27I want to know what I could do to lose weight.
17:30Nothing,
17:31I wouldn't have thought.
17:33You're too far gone.
17:34But if you stay on the line,
17:35if you stay on the line,
17:37love,
17:37I can recommend a good builder who could widen your doors.
17:41And if not,
17:42he's got access to a crane.
17:44Who's next?
17:45Next caller,
17:46Mark from Leeds.
17:47Hi,
17:47Mark.
17:48Hi,
17:49Amir.
17:49Can you tell me,
17:50do you believe in God?
17:52Ooh,
17:52that is a tough question.
17:54Um,
17:55yeah,
17:55I would say that knowing all I know and having learned all that I have learned,
18:00it is all nonsense.
18:02There is no God.
18:03There is no afterlife.
18:05We are all just organisms controlled by a giant cosmic salamander who has planted tiny metallic water boatmen in our brains to spy on our minds.
18:15You heard it here first.
18:17Um,
18:18I'll tell you what I believe in,
18:19Mark,
18:20um,
18:20is karma.
18:21I'll give you an example.
18:22I once had a very special lady friend who was giving me jip.
18:26Um,
18:26she wouldn't sign a prenup.
18:28She wanted me to be faithful.
18:30And to cap it all,
18:31I found out she was having an affair with Gary Bushel.
18:34Um,
18:34I don't know what's upset me more,
18:36her infidelity or her lack of good taste.
18:39Anyway,
18:40not long after I discovered that news,
18:42she was found gunned down outside her parents' flat.
18:45Um,
18:46the cult trips were never found.
18:47Despite my best efforts,
18:48I moved on.
18:48I had to.
18:51But,
18:51I couldn't help think that there's some kind of cosmic justice at work there.
18:56So,
18:56so just bear that in mind,
18:58Satu,
18:59what goes around comes around.
19:03Okay,
19:03Dean,
19:04I've had just about enough.
19:05You have been in a bad mood all evening.
19:07I tell you what I'm going to do.
19:08I'm going to get you,
19:10Satu,
19:11and me in a bath
19:12after this show.
19:13And do you know what,
19:14Dean?
19:15Do you know what I'm going to do to make you happy?
19:18I am going to bend a key.
19:20Sweet.
19:21Okay?
19:22Now,
19:23I need a neutral key.
19:26Satu,
19:26do you have a key?
19:27I have this.
19:28Ladies and gentlemen,
19:29give Satu a round of applause.
19:31Thank you,
19:32Satu.
19:32Come over here.
19:33If you'd like to just stand here.
19:35Now,
19:37let's just have a little bit of quiet,
19:38please,
19:39from the ladies and gentlemen at home.
19:40And here.
19:44Bend.
19:49Bend.
19:49Bend.
19:54Bend.
19:54Bend for a mirror.
20:03A mirror wants you to bend,
20:05so why don't you?
20:13Bend, you fucking piece.
20:14Bend for a mirror.
20:22Well,
20:22it has not worked,
20:24as you can see.
20:26I have a suspicion.
20:28I have a suspicion,
20:29Satu,
20:29that you,
20:30in front of all these people here,
20:31have brought me a key made of wood.
20:33Do you deny this?
20:35Don't deny me,
20:36I am all over your mind.
20:37Are you or are you not in the pay of Dr. Eric Vedigan of the Bremen Institute of Plasma Physics?
20:43Right, just to explain to you people at home, Dr. Eric Vedigan of the Bremen Institute of Plasma Physics is my psychic nemesis.
20:50And he thinks it's haha big joke to send honey traps like Satu here in an effort to debunk me.
20:55How much can a man take?
20:58Okay, Dean, I have been called a liar. I have been called a trickster. I have been called a viper of the mind.
21:04I have been called the bastard son of a big fibbing bitch.
21:08At school, they called me shit eater and dick splash.
21:12And I don't even know what dick splash means.
21:14Okay, I have had enough. You, Satu, and this whole show are assholes.
21:19Keep positive.
21:21You're an asshole, you're an asshole, and this is an asshole.
21:24And in fact, you are an asshole too.
21:26All of you at home, you are all assholes.
21:28Everyone in this country, you are all assholes.
21:31You are all assholes.
21:34Okay, you are. You're an asshole.
21:41Are we still on for our bath?
21:43Yes, we're still on for our bath.
21:45Well, all that remains for me to do is to thank once again my super guest, Amir Shanann.
21:57Asshole!
21:58There he was.
22:00For talking to me, man to man, and to thank you very much for watching.
22:04Thank you very much.
22:06And we'll play out now with this final goodwill message from Amir.
22:09I'm sorry, Dean.
22:11Yeah, it doesn't fix the show, though, does it?
22:16Drink from my river by Amir Shanann.
22:19The sun is so yellow.
22:22The sky is so blue.
22:24The trees are so green.
22:26But what color are you?
22:28It does not matter what color you are.
22:30Just drink from my river, and you will go far.
22:34Oh, you will go far.
22:36Oh, you will go far.
22:38Just drink from my river, and you will go far.
22:43Oh, you will go far.
22:44Oh, you will go far.
22:48Come see the color of my shooting star.
22:51Oh, you will go far.
22:53Oh, you will go far.
22:56Just drink from my river, and you will go a long way out of your lounge,
23:01out of your house, down the road, on a bus, off the bus,
23:04up to another cosmos and back, e.g. miles and miles and miles, i.e. far.
23:11Thank you very much.
23:13God bless.
23:13I am Amir Shanann, and you are wonderful.