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Short filmTranscript
00:00Darling, I probably shouldn't be writing to you, but I can't get you out of my mind.
00:07That weekend we spent in Vermont was the most powerful experience of my life.
00:12You were the most perfect man that was ever created, and I must have you.
00:17Uh, what are you doing?
00:19Reading a letter.
00:20That's not addressed to you.
00:22Oh, is that a crime?
00:23Yes. This is your mail.
00:26Look, here's a 20 spot if you give me back the letter.
00:29Bribing a government official is also a crime.
00:33And is this counterfeit money?
00:36What? You're going to tell me that's a crime too?
00:39Last time I checked I was living in America.
00:41Oh, look over there!
00:45Ah! Ah! Ah!
00:51See what happens when you people don't let me read your mail?
00:56As soon as I can make a counterfeit passport, I'm moving to Mexico.
01:01Restraining order, medical bill, invitation to my high school reunion,
01:31another restraining order, what are you throwing that out for?
01:35You can't restrain me, I'm a free spirit.
01:38Not that, the invitation to your high school reunion.
01:41A bunch of people standing around talking about their babies and their minivans, sounds thrilling.
01:47You should be excited to go to your reunion, you always said high school was the greatest time of your life.
01:52Hmm, that's true, high school was epic, I remember it like it was yesterday.
02:01There were three seconds left, and everyone knew I was taking the last shot.
02:07Hi, I'm A-a-a-a-a-a Porky Pig.
02:09Yeah, that's great, I'm Daffy Duck, the guy who didn't ask.
02:13Now beat it!
02:15Now where was I?
02:16Oh right, so I get the ball, the clock starts ticking, three, two, nothing but net.
02:25Ooh!
02:25Daffy Duck is all the pretty girls.
02:30Is this seat taken?
02:31No, it's right there, you're looking right at it.
02:36Greetings, I'm Marvin, the foreign exchange student.
02:42Oh, where are you from?
02:44Mars.
02:46Well ladies, I better get to class, those straight A's aren't going to make themselves.
02:51Hi Daffy.
02:54Well, aren't you sweet?
02:56In fact, the only thing sweeter than you is that cake over there.
03:00Hey, cake for the lady!
03:02You know what?
03:03Cake for everybody!
03:04It's on me!
03:10Are you nerds enjoying the cake?
03:12It's stupendous!
03:14Yum!
03:14Is it really on you?
03:16No, it's on you!
03:18Daffy Duck!
03:22Daffy Duck!
03:23Daffy Duck!
03:24Daffy Duck!
03:26Ugh, I bet Porky's not going to the reunion.
03:29But you were the big man on campus.
03:31Why wouldn't you want to go?
03:32Look at my life now.
03:33I live in a dump, no offense.
03:35I have a stupid roommate, no offense.
03:38And I've piled up tons of credit card debt, no offense.
03:41Why would I take offense to that?
03:43Because I used your credit card.
03:45The point is, I peaked in high school!
03:48At least you got to go to high school.
03:51You didn't go to high school?
03:53Let's just say my youth was unconventional.
03:57What was so unconventional about your youth?
03:59It's not important.
04:01My unconventional, incomparable, inimitable youth is not important.
04:06What is important is that you attend this reunion.
04:09Why do you want me to go to my reunion so bad?
04:11Because you can.
04:12Don't you see?
04:14You have the opportunity to do something I can only dream of.
04:17Stand around with people you barely remember.
04:20Reminiscing about the big game.
04:22Senior prom.
04:24Homework.
04:25You're weird.
04:26All right.
04:27The reunion's on Saturday.
04:28Which means you have a whole week to make something of your life.
04:31I can't make something of my life in five days.
04:35You can with my help.
04:37And a week is seven days.
04:39Five.
04:39I'm not letting this cut into my weekend.
04:41That's my me time.
04:43I'll see you on Monday morning.
04:46Eh, that's a little ambitious.
04:47Monday afternoon.
04:49You know what?
04:49Nothing ever gets done on a Monday.
04:51Let's start Tuesday.
04:52Noon.
04:53This is you in high school.
05:05Which I don't need to remind you, I never got to go to.
05:08And this is you now.
05:09There's only four days until your reunion.
05:12A reunion that I would love to attend, by the way.
05:15So we don't have much time to get you from here to here.
05:19How do we do it?
05:21Hmm.
05:21Let me think.
05:22You've got to do something special.
05:25Something admirable.
05:27Something heroic.
05:28Like destroy the Earth.
05:31More like, I don't know, climb Mount Everest?
05:35That's it!
05:36Everyone at the reunion would hail the conquering hero!
05:39You know what?
05:48I can't climb Mount Everest because I don't have a winter jacket.
05:52You could buy?
05:53Nope.
05:53You could borrow?
05:54Nope.
05:55I can't climb Mount Everest because I don't have a winter jacket.
05:59Shame.
06:01Well, I think that was a good day one.
06:03Same time tomorrow?
06:04Probably not tomorrow.
06:06I'm pretty blown out.
06:07Let's shoot for Thursday.
06:08You know what?
06:09I have a thing on Thursday.
06:11Friday, I swear.
06:12See you Saturday!
06:13Saturday!
06:13So when's this reunion again?
06:20It's tonight.
06:21What?
06:22What have you been doing this whole time?
06:24I guess I'm not going to my reunion.
06:26We've got to go!
06:28I mean, you've got to go.
06:29And there's still something you can do to impress everyone at the reunion.
06:33And it's not destroy the earth.
06:36Then what is it?
06:40I'm ruining my manicure.
06:42Give me your quarter.
06:43I'm starting to think the odds of winning the lottery are pretty low.
06:47Three sixes?
06:49Three sixes!
06:50I won!
06:51I won the lottery!
06:52I'm rich!
06:53We can go to your reunion.
06:55I mean, you can go to your reunion.
06:57I'm so happy for you.
06:59Happy and jealous.
07:00Mostly jealous.
07:01I'm rich!
07:04I'm rich!
07:06I knew I didn't peak in high school!
07:09Daffy, you didn't get three sixes.
07:11You were holding it upside down.
07:14You got three nines.
07:16Besides, you were playing lucky eights.
07:20This is hopeless.
07:23Excuse me.
07:24Do you have a quarter for the parking meter?
07:26No.
07:27But you're holding a quarter.
07:28What?
07:29This?
07:29This isn't a quarter.
07:30That's not a quarter.
07:32No.
07:32This is a fake.
07:33I'm Agent Jimmy Glass, and this is Agent Ira Bunnells, and we're with the Treasury Department.
07:38We're investigating a highly illegal counterfeit operation in the area.
07:41I'm gonna need to see your wallet.
07:43Oh, uh, of course.
07:44Yep, this one looks a little iffy.
07:49Gonna have to run some tests.
07:50Now get out of here.
07:51But keep your eyes and ears open.
07:53That's it.
07:54I thought in order to go to the reunion, you needed to be someone you're not.
07:58A success.
07:59But it turns out, you should just go with someone you already are.
08:03A liar!
08:04You want me to go to the reunion and just lie about how successful I am?
08:09That's a horrible idea!
08:12I'm lying.
08:13It's a great idea.
08:15Or was that a lie?
08:18This lying could get out of control.
08:21Or is that a lie?
08:23The lying is in control!
08:26Oh, brother.
08:30Well, after high school, I just had to get away from it all.
08:34Get back to what's important.
08:36The land.
08:38I've got about 30,000 acres in Montana.
08:42Probably about 50,000 head of cattle.
08:46That's about two heads of cattle per acre.
08:49Yeah.
08:51I love a cattle tribe.
08:54Too much spitting.
08:57I signed up after graduation.
09:00I heard the call of duty, and I answered.
09:03Oh, this?
09:04What you call heroism?
09:06I call duty.
09:08Believe me.
09:09When you're doing your duty,
09:11you don't think about the fact that you're doing your duty.
09:14It's your duty.
09:15You just do it.
09:16You do your duty.
09:18Too much saying to white duty.
09:21I'm Batman.
09:24So what lie did you settle on?
09:28One lie is too limiting.
09:31It's going to be a big reunion.
09:32I can tell a lot of lies.
09:34That couldn't possibly backfire.
09:36What are you saying?
09:38Well, if I were you,
09:39I'd bring someone along
09:41to help you keep track of all those lies.
09:44But who would want to go to someone else's reunion?
09:46Me!
09:47I want to go to your reunion!
09:50You?
09:51Then why didn't you say something earlier?
09:57Just stay close.
09:58The lies are about to get complicated.
10:01Name?
10:04Count Leopold von Lichtenstein.
10:07How do you spell that?
10:09Bob Jones.
10:10Well, which one is it?
10:12Uh, both.
10:13Maybe he's into the lies.
10:16This is him.
10:18Phew.
10:19That was close.
10:20Promise me you won't leave my side the rest of the night.
10:23I promise.
10:25Are those lockers?
10:27Bugs!
10:27Bugs!
10:39I say, I say,
10:41every day I go out walking,
10:42all them ladies start to squawking,
10:44because they know that I'm the coolest bird around.
10:48Now, son, I've been to Paris
10:50on a boat with 50 sails,
10:52got thrown into the water
10:54and I wrestled me a whale.
10:56Cause I'm a bird of action,
10:58I don't just talk the talk.
11:00One thing about old ballporn, son,
11:02I'm the cock of the walk.
11:06I redesigned the toggle hall
11:08and painted every room.
11:10I drive a big old monster truck
11:12that runs on cheap perfume.
11:14I've won lifting gold
11:15for every race I've ever run.
11:18And I got a Nobel Prize
11:19just for having too much fun.
11:21A tiger tried to eat me,
11:23but I punched him in the nose.
11:25I caught the log best monster
11:27and a block of UFOs.
11:29Harvard hired me
11:30to be their number one head teacher.
11:33I won an Oscar for best rooster
11:34in an animated feature.
11:36I walk into the head house,
11:38all the chickens start to squawk.
11:40You look at me,
11:41you're looking at the...
11:43cock of the walk.
11:44You look at me,
11:47you really see the...
11:49cock of the walk.
11:50Bugs!
11:57Bugs!
11:58Bugs!
11:59Remember me?
12:00We were in homeroom together.
12:02Oh, hey, Tanya.
12:03Long time no see.
12:05What you been up to?
12:06Me?
12:06Oh, I, uh...
12:08Are you married?
12:10Married?
12:11Uh, yes.
12:12Happily married.
12:13Very happily married.
12:15To a model.
12:16Wow.
12:17Any kids?
12:18Two kids.
12:19Boy and a girl.
12:20Tegan and Cassidy.
12:21Also models.
12:22Gee.
12:23Well, it's great to see you.
12:25It's great to see you, Tanya!
12:28What was I so worried about?
12:29I don't need bugs.
12:31Elliot Hauser.
12:33Oh, Heidi Gardner.
12:37Timmy Bankard.
12:38Friends of yours?
12:39Oh, I don't know any of these people.
12:42Andy Friedman!
12:44Did you hear that Daffy Duck won a bronze medal at the Olympics?
12:49I'm supposed to be keeping track of Daffy's lies.
12:52And instead, I've been standing around drinking punch.
12:59Well, I'm now the head of a very profitable non-profit organization.
13:04I used to be a pro surfer.
13:05But after the shark attack, I had an epiphany.
13:08And decided to dedicate my life to the betterment of society.
13:11And I'm also a model.
13:12Sorry, Daff.
13:15Okay, what lies have you told so far?
13:17Bugs.
13:18Relax.
13:19I've got this under control.
13:21Really?
13:21Easy breezy.
13:23It's like stealing babies from a candy store.
13:25Go enjoy the reunion.
13:27I don't know.
13:28I think you might need my...
13:30Is that somebody else's old algebra teacher?
13:33Pete!
13:35Marvin!
13:36What have you guys been up to?
13:39Oh, high school was a horrible time for me.
13:43Therefore, I have spent every moment since graduation plotting to destroy the Earth.
13:49I hope you have better luck with that than I did.
13:52What about you, Pete?
13:54Oh, I'm still waiting to graduate.
13:57What about you?
13:59I'm the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
14:02I thought you said you owned the Dallas Cowboys.
14:04Oh, uh, yeah, that...
14:07Uh, uh...
14:08Well, which is it?
14:10Uh, uh...
14:11Oh, look over there!
14:12Oh, uh, sure.
14:36I've never had my picture taken with an astronaut before.
14:39Do you mind?
14:40You're an astronaut, too?
14:42Well, uh, before I was a movie star, I was, uh...
14:45Batman!
14:46Come quick!
14:47There's a break-in at the museum!
14:48Batman?
14:49Batman?
14:50Wait!
14:51Are you saying this man, the president of Mexico, is Batman?
14:55Uh...
14:56He's so cute.
15:06I don't remember him from high school.
15:09Bugs?
15:10What are you doing here?
15:11I'm here with Daffy.
15:13What are you doing here?
15:14From the story I heard, high school was pretty rough for you.
15:18It would be...
15:18It would be...
15:19Rough?
15:20High school was the greatest time in my life.
15:23I'm surprised Daffy came.
15:26Huh?
15:26Porky!
15:27Porky!
15:28Porky!
15:28Porky!
15:28Porky!
15:29Porky!
15:29Porky!
15:30Hey!
15:30Excuse me, but do you remember Daffy Duck?
15:36Who?
15:37Daffy Duck.
15:38Come on, you gotta remember him.
15:40He was the coolest guy at your high school.
15:43Daffy Duck, you know, black feathers, big beak, about this tall.
15:48Oh, you mean Daffy Dork.
15:51Ew, that guy was such a nerd.
15:56I've been looking all over for you.
15:58My web of lies has entangled me in a web of lies.
16:02In high school, were you ever called Daffy Dork?
16:05Daffy Dork?
16:06Why would anyone call the coolest guy in high school Daffy Dork?
16:14There were three seconds left, and everyone knew I was taking the last shot.
16:19Hi, I'm Daffy Duck.
16:21Yeah, that's great.
16:23I'm the guy who didn't ask.
16:25Now, beat it.
16:28Is this seat taken?
16:32Cake for everybody!
16:34It's on me!
16:36Hey, nerd, are you enjoying the cake?
16:43It's delicious.
16:44Is it really on you?
16:46No, it's on you.
16:50Daffy Dork!
16:52Daffy Dork!
16:53Daffy Dork!
17:00So this means I wasn't the big man on campus.
17:03I was the big dork on campus.
17:07Wow.
17:07I really am a liar.
17:09And the greatest lie I ever told was to myself.
17:13Wait!
17:14Don't you see?
17:15This is good news.
17:17You taught you'd gone from here to here.
17:20But it turns out, you never went anywhere.
17:23What's good about that?
17:24It means you haven't peaked yet.
17:28You're right!
17:29You hear that, you losers?
17:31I didn't peaked in high school.
17:34But you did.
17:36And you did.
17:37And you certainly did.
17:40Daffy, I've apologized to you about a thousand times.
17:44And you!
17:46You used to be the prettiest girl in school.
17:48And now you're...
17:50Well, you're still very beautiful.
17:52The point is, you all peaked too soon.
17:54Except for you.
17:56So long, jerks!
17:57I'm off!
17:58And unlike you,
18:00I have nowhere to go but up!
18:02Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, Daffy, D
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