Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Hut one, hut two, hike, go long, come on, get open, interception, touchdown, we did it, yeah, pathetic, playing all by yourself, get some friends, kid,
00:27I'm all in, fold, I'm never playing with you again,
00:57check it out, I stole them from the movie theater, 3D glasses, ooh, from now on, I'll take my entertainment exclusively in three dimensions,
01:12Daffy, those only work at the movie theater, whoa, he's so close, back off, newsman, it's not in 3D,
01:24whoa, it's like I can touch you, please don't,
01:29what's up neighbor, whoa, back to 2D, what a bummer, can I talk to you for a second,
01:48it's my son Gossamer, he's having some trouble fitting in his school, all the kids pick on him
01:52and call him a monster, duh, he is a monster, I try to help him, but he's at that age where he
02:00doesn't want to listen to his mama, the other day he called me a witch, you are a witch,
02:13do you need to be doing that right now,
02:15protein shake, that's how I maintain this body,
02:22anyway, Gossamer needs help making friends,
02:27now I think he could benefit from a positive male role model,
02:30could you take him to school tomorrow and maybe talk to him,
02:32you want bugs to talk to him,
02:36he doesn't know the first thing about making friends,
02:38he was born with friends, he's got too many friends,
02:41the only person who can help a weirdo like Gossamer is another weirdo,
02:55that's a great idea, you can take him to school tomorrow,
02:59what, no, find another weirdo,
03:02no one helped me out when I was a kid,
03:04so I'm not helping him out,
03:06you know, I'm not always a nice witch,
03:11I'm only taking you to school,
03:17because I'm afraid of your mom,
03:18don't open that,
03:21sorry,
03:23you're a real weird dude,
03:26sorry,
03:27why are you always apologizing,
03:29sorry,
03:30listen kid, school is like prison,
03:33and I should know, I've been to both,
03:35you do your time, and you get out,
03:37and if you're lucky, you'll grow up to be as mature and well adjusted as me,
03:41ah, come on,
03:43move it, lady,
03:45just get out here,
03:50this mom's taking forever,
03:52I mean, how many kids do you have to have,
03:55before you feel like you've got a family,
03:57it's irresponsible,
03:58will you pick me up after school,
04:01pick you up,
04:02what do you think,
04:03I just sit around all day watching TV,
04:06you don't think I have a job,
04:07or other responsibilities,
04:10my mom says you're a bum,
04:11and that you mooch off of Mr. Bunny,
04:13well your mom's stupid,
04:15don't tell her I said that,
04:16hey gossamer,
04:32feel you later pal,
04:33hi Kyle,
04:41hi Jason,
04:42hi Emily,
04:44what's up Trevor,
04:45hi Maya,
04:47hey Andrew,
04:52why didn't you defend yourself,
05:01my mom says violence is never the answer,
05:04well your mom is wrong,
05:06it's almost always the answer,
05:08don't tell her I said that,
05:09and anyway,
05:10I don't know how to defend myself,
05:12then it's time to go to school,
05:15not that school,
05:18the school of hard knocks,
05:20Ible,
05:29where's Daffy,
05:30he's helping our neighbors kid,
05:31try it,
05:33we already got our pizza,
05:35no,
05:36try this one,
05:37well,
05:41I like it,
05:44this one's frozen,
05:45it's pretty impressive,
05:48pretty impressive,
05:49it's very impressive,
05:50let me tell you something pinky,
05:52it's porky,
05:53I like to see you make a restaurant quality frozen pizza,
05:57you couldn't,
05:58you know why,
05:59because it's next to impossible,
06:01but I did it,
06:01and now I'm going to sell,
06:03speedy gonzalez's frozen pizzas,
06:05in grocery stores,
06:05all across the country,
06:07what are they doing,
06:12I'm filming the commercial later today,
06:14hey,
06:14you should be in it,
06:16nah,
06:17come on,
06:18you can pay the customer,
06:19I don't,
06:21I could pay either of the customer,
06:23pinky,
06:23please,
06:24I'm talking to senor Bugs,
06:26what do you say,
06:27will you be in my frozen pizza commercial,
06:29I'd love to do it,
06:31yeah,
06:31just let porky do it,
06:33can I at least use your slogan,
06:35what slogan,
06:36I like it,
06:37when did I say that,
06:38when you try the pizza,
06:39it's the perfect slogan,
06:41not too much,
06:42not too little,
06:43I don't love it,
06:44I like it,
06:45it's pizza man,
06:46it's not a new car,
06:47whatever,
06:47relax pinky,
06:51okay,
06:52it's a commercial,
06:53not a movie,
06:54but go see the makeup girl,
06:55you're just so pink,
06:57I guess that's where he gets his name,
07:00this is the school I graduated from,
07:06I'm kind of a legend around here,
07:13what's up man,
07:16I don't know you,
07:16self-defense,
07:20it's about knowing your strengths,
07:22and your opponent's weaknesses,
07:24it's about stamina,
07:27discipline,
07:28and never,
07:30letting your guard down,
07:33shouldn't we be wearing boxing gloves,
07:41does anybody wear boxing gloves,
07:43in a street fight,
07:44also there's a five dollar glove rental fee,
07:46now let's get it on,
07:48I don't want to fight,
07:51too late,
07:52you're in a fight,
07:53and you're already losing,
07:54you know why,
07:55you're off balance,
07:57and when you're off balance,
07:58you're open to,
07:59one of these,
08:00lucky shot,
08:04I didn't do anything,
08:06how's this gonna help me make friends,
08:08I see what you're doing,
08:10mind games,
08:11well mind games are no match,
08:14for one of these,
08:15all right,
08:23let's take a break,
08:25I'm sure this is a lot of information,
08:27for you to absorb,
08:28I'm going to the vending machine,
08:30I'll bring you back,
08:32what are these,
08:34well we've learned two things here today,
08:38you refuse to defend yourself,
08:40and I need to double up,
08:42on my protein shakes,
08:43I'm never going to get any friends,
08:45now is that kick me sign,
08:48still on your back,
08:50give me that,
08:53school talent show,
08:58huh,
08:59what is it,
09:00I think I just figured out a way,
09:02for you to make some friends,
09:04a way for you to impress everyone,
09:06and instantly become popular,
09:08in a single dramatic moment,
09:11you mean enter the talent show,
09:13oh,
09:13I was going to say,
09:14watch the talent show,
09:16wearing a really cool jacket,
09:17but,
09:18entering the talent show,
09:20that's a great idea,
09:22wow,
09:22you're lucky I thought of it,
09:24do you have any talents,
09:25I could sing,
09:26ugh,
09:27no way,
09:27singing is lame,
09:28come on,
09:29we can come up with something better than that,
09:31oh wait,
09:33I forgot something,
09:34I'll give you one of these,
09:35ah,
09:37do you want restaurant quality pizza,
09:42in the comfort of your own home,
09:43hello,
09:44I'm Speedy Gonzales,
09:45of Speedy Gonzales's Pizza Riva,
09:47telling you,
09:48that you can now enjoy my pizza,
09:50in a frozen variety,
09:51but don't take my word for it,
09:53he's a real life customer,
09:55ahem,
09:56what did you think sir,
09:57I like it,
09:59cut,
10:00Pinky,
10:02you're overselling it,
10:03I told you,
10:04you could be in the commercial,
10:04but you gotta pull back,
10:06you gotta play real,
10:07let's take it again,
10:08what did you think sir,
10:11I like it,
10:13nope,
10:13it's not working,
10:14say your bugs,
10:15let me use you say it again,
10:16I like it,
10:17that's it,
10:18perfect,
10:18sorry Pinky,
10:19there's just something about him,
10:20I like ability factor,
10:22I mean,
10:22this guy's okay,
10:24but I wanna party with this guy,
10:27let's take it again,
10:30hey Pinky,
10:33I'm sorry,
10:34scooch to your left a little bit,
10:36little more,
10:37little more,
10:40little more,
10:41little more,
10:43little more,
10:45little more,
10:45need a more,
10:47how's this,
10:50perfecto,
10:51talent,
10:55it can't be taught,
10:56it can't be bought,
10:58it can't be faked,
11:00it just is,
11:01you dig,
11:02do I dig what,
11:03two, three, four,
11:05no, no, no,
11:10back to one,
11:11where's one,
11:13two, three, four,
11:13stop,
11:18stop,
11:18stop,
11:19stop,
11:19you're doing it wrong,
11:24it's a simple kickball change,
11:26a shimmy to the right,
11:27a shimmy to the left,
11:29pivot step,
11:30and head roll,
11:31was that so difficult,
11:34I was thinking,
11:35maybe I could sing,
11:36at the talent show,
11:37are you out of your mind,
11:40that is so lame,
11:42I mean,
11:42do you know how girly,
11:43and pathetic you'd look,
11:44if you sang,
11:45no,
11:45no,
11:46no,
11:46if you want friends,
11:48you need to dance,
11:49I'm not a dancer,
11:52well,
11:52you just keep telling yourself that,
11:55this is just so frustrating,
11:57there is a dancer inside of you,
12:00shame on you for not seeing it,
12:02and shame on me,
12:04for being the only one who does,
12:06I need to cool off,
12:08I'm gonna take five,
12:10but not before I give you one of these,
12:12will you go make me a protein shake,
12:17I'm Speedy Gonzales,
12:21of Speedy Gonzales's Pizza River,
12:23telling you,
12:24that you can now enjoy my pizza,
12:26in a frozen variety,
12:27I like it,
12:29and you will too,
12:31Speedy Gonzales's frozen pizza,
12:33in your gross freezer,
12:35huh,
12:35how much,
12:36oh,
12:37it's on the house,
12:38you're famous,
12:42honey look,
12:44it's the I like it guy,
12:46I like it guy,
12:46I like it guy,
12:56say it,
12:57I like it,
12:58yeah,
12:59I like it,
13:02you probably get this all the time,
13:07but will you say it,
13:08I'm kind of in a hurry,
13:09please,
13:10just one time,
13:11I like it,
13:13do you mind,
13:14will you say it for my outgoing message,
13:16I like it,
13:17oh,
13:17wasn't recording,
13:18one more time,
13:20I like it,
13:21woohoo,
13:21I like it,
13:23I'm not sure,
13:24I like it,
13:25say it,
13:29yeah,
13:29you,
13:30I like it guy,
13:32say it,
13:33I like it,
13:34classic,
13:35this whole time,
13:39we've been focusing,
13:40on the talent part,
13:41of the talent show,
13:43but what about the show part,
13:44you don't want me,
13:47to juggle chainsaws,
13:48do you,
13:49no,
13:50that would be ludicrous,
13:51I want you,
13:53to juggle chainsaws,
13:54that have been lit on fire,
13:57can't I just sing,
14:00at the talent show,
14:01no,
14:01you can't sing,
14:02that would be a death sentence,
14:04run for our lives,
14:08you save my life,
14:15I'd like to repay you,
14:17whatever you want to eat,
14:19it's like those protein shakes,
14:22are making me weaker,
14:23my house,
14:31hey,
14:32hey,
14:33see I like it guy,
14:34you live here,
14:35say it,
14:37my house is burning down,
14:40that's not the line,
14:41turn on the water,
14:43no,
14:44you remember,
14:45the little mouse goes,
14:46what do you think sir,
14:48and you say,
14:50I like it,
14:52woohoo,
14:53yeah,
14:54hey,
14:57when you're done,
14:58can we get a picture,
14:58can we get a picture,
15:01well,
15:04this is it,
15:05good luck,
15:06this is the bus station,
15:10what about the talent show,
15:12you can't go to the talent show,
15:14you don't have a talent,
15:15here,
15:17take this,
15:18what's this,
15:20everything you need,
15:20to start a new life,
15:21fake passport,
15:22fake money,
15:23and my fake number,
15:24in case of emergency,
15:26Fernando Valenzuela,
15:28the baseball player,
15:29the beloved baseball player,
15:32get ready to have,
15:33tons of friends,
15:34please,
15:35just take me to the talent show,
15:36your funeral,
15:39Fernando,
15:40oh,
15:40hey,
15:58you're that guy,
15:59say it,
16:00shh,
16:01there's a kid on stage,
16:03I know,
16:03it's my kid,
16:04come on,
16:05say it,
16:06no,
16:07just say it,
16:08I'm not gonna say it,
16:09as a matter of fact,
16:11I'm never gonna say it,
16:12again,
16:13ever,
16:14typical Hollywood jerk,
16:16oh good,
16:23you haven't gone on,
16:24I took this from the science lab,
16:26I think they're scorpions,
16:27I'm not sure what you should do with them,
16:29maybe eat them,
16:29let them run around on your face,
16:31something like that,
16:33and now,
16:34our next contestant,
16:35wish me luck,
16:36wait,
16:36you forgot the scorpions,
16:38I don't need them,
16:39that's my baby,
16:45what is he doing,
16:50my name is Gossamer,
16:57and I'm gonna sing,
16:58the leaves of brown came tumbling down,
17:06remember,
17:08in September,
17:11in the rain,
17:15the sun went out just like a dying ember,
17:20that September,
17:21that September,
17:23in the rain,
17:26to every word of love,
17:31I heard you whisper,
17:33the raindrops seem to play a sweet refrain,
17:39in the rain,
17:41the spring is here,
17:43to me it's still September,
17:46that September,
17:49in the rain,
17:52yeah,
17:54I like it,
18:04I like it,
18:04I like it,
18:08I can't thank you enough,
18:24for helping my boy,
18:25yes you can,
18:26you're a witch,
18:27you can do anything,
18:28come on,
18:29wave your wand,
18:30make me strong,
18:31I wanna be strong,
18:33super strong,
18:34with wings,
18:35and give me 3D vision,
18:38stay away from my son,
18:40what's with the glass box,
18:41full of sand,
18:42it's a scorpion tank,
18:43where are the scorpions,
18:44something bit me,
19:14I don't knows,
19:16I don't know,
19:17I can't hide myself.
19:38BEEP BEEP!
19:39I don't know what to do.
20:09Oh, my God!
20:39Oh, no, no, no, no.
21:09Beep beep!
21:34Beep beep!
21:35So is this why you didn't want me to sing at the talent show?
21:56It's just as painful in 3D.
21:59Yeah!