Want a happier, stronger marriage? These 5 simple habits can transform your relationship! πβ¨
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00:00A very best-selling book that around 15-20 years ago,
00:07it really became a global best-seller,
00:10and it is called The Languages of Love.
00:12But this author is obviously not a Muslim,
00:14he's writing as a psychologist, a therapist,
00:16he's written from his own experiences
00:17something that is called The Languages of Love.
00:19These are five languages of love.
00:21I have read this book,
00:22and I have summarized and Islamicized,
00:24gone through it,
00:25and I have found Qur'an and Sunnah.
00:27What he discovered was that
00:29people express and receive love in different ways.
00:34And a lot of times,
00:36one of the spouses is expressing love,
00:39but the other spouse,
00:41the language that they want to receive the love in,
00:44is different than the language the spouse is expressing.
00:47And he gives a simple example,
00:48imagine if the wife speaks Japanese,
00:51and the husband speaks Swahili.
00:53And the wife is saying,
00:54I love you in Japanese.
00:55And the husband doesn't speak Japanese,
00:57he speaks Swahili.
00:58So she can say a million times,
01:00I love you, I love you, I love you.
01:01And the husband does not understand that language of love.
01:05And so the husband ends up saying,
01:06my wife never loves me.
01:07Even though she's screaming at the top of her lungs.
01:10But he has not learnt the language of love in Japanese.
01:14Now we're not talking about human languages,
01:16we're talking about expressions of love.
01:18So he in his therapy,
01:20he said,
01:20these are five languages
01:22that we should all learn to recognize.
01:24So that in case our spouse is screaming in one language,
01:28we should be aware,
01:29that okay, that is their language.
01:31And we will then appreciate.
01:32Also he says,
01:33it is very common,
01:35that the language you give love in,
01:37might be different than the language you receive love.
01:39You want to give in one language,
01:41you want to receive in another.
01:42This is the norm or the default.
01:44That a lot of times,
01:45what you do when you are in love,
01:47how you will express love,
01:49is different than how you will receive it.
01:51So, the goal of today's lecture
01:53is to go over these five languages.
01:56So that we understand.
01:57Now, which language is right?
01:59All of them are right.
02:01And all of these five,
02:02are ways to show love.
02:04Even if you don't speak one of these languages,
02:07if you show love in them,
02:08your partner will understand.
02:09The first and the most obvious language of love,
02:12and this is the language that everybody begins in,
02:15is verbal, talk, communication.
02:18To say, I love you.
02:20And, there is even a hadith in a Dara Qutni,
02:24Sunan a Dara Qutni,
02:25with a slight weakness in his chain,
02:26but it is a part of the seerah,
02:27and it is not a problem to mention a hadith about the seerah,
02:31that have a slight weakness.
02:32That Aisha radiallahu anha,
02:33once asked the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
02:36Ya Rasulullah,
02:37ΩΩΩ ΨΨ¨Ω Ψ¨ΩΩ,
02:39How is your love for me?
02:41Now, pause here.
02:42Husbands,
02:42one of the things that we are totally clueless about,
02:46is that women need constant reaffirmation of love.
02:52This is human nature.
02:54Women want to be reassured constantly.
02:57And our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam replies,
02:59and look at the poetic response.
03:00And of course, in Arabic,
03:01it sounds even better in English.
03:02It's even not bad in English.
03:03But he said,
03:04like a tight knot.
03:06Means,
03:06it's permanent.
03:07It's always there.
03:08Like a tight knot.
03:09Then the hadith goes on,
03:11that every once in a while,
03:12Aisha would tease the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
03:13especially if there's something going on.
03:15Issue,
03:15how is the knot right now?
03:17Is it still tight?
03:18How is the knot right now?
03:19So,
03:20this really shows,
03:21this is what we call the language of love.
03:23That you actually have,
03:25and also another key point,
03:26is that there are key phrases,
03:28that couples have for one another.
03:30Phrases that are inside jokes,
03:32that only they have.
03:33And this is a sign of healthy love.
03:35That even our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
03:36had a pet name for Aisha.
03:38Do you know this?
03:39He had multiple pet names for Aisha.
03:42He called her Humayra.
03:43He called her Ummi Abdillah.
03:45And he called her Ya Aish.
03:47Aish,
03:47he cut off the Tamar Buta.
03:49You know when you just out of love,
03:50you change the name a little bit, right?
03:52We all do this in our culture,
03:53just change the name.
03:54Nobody on earth called her Aish,
03:57other than our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
03:59And subhanallah,
03:59this is what we call the language of love.
04:02Saying you love your partner.
04:04Having these inside jokes that,
04:06you know,
04:06go back to when we were married,
04:08or something happened,
04:08or incident,
04:09and bringing it up over and over again.
04:11And also,
04:12a lot of us,
04:13especially in the cultures that we come from,
04:15us men especially,
04:16we feel that we are somehow not masculine,
04:19if we show the soft side to our wives.
04:22We feel that we are somehow betraying our masculinity,
04:26if we really show our wives how much we love them.
04:29And honestly,
04:30that is not only foolish,
04:32it's just not true.
04:33It's not only wrong,
04:35it's factually incorrect,
04:36and it's gonna harm the marriage.
04:37Our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
04:40in a culture that was far more pseudo-macho than ours.
04:44Pseudo-macho,
04:45it's not real macho,
04:46it's pseudo-macho.
04:47And nobody mentioned love for women publicly.
04:49We all know the famous hadith in Sahih Bukhari,
04:51when a Bedouin came,
04:53and he said,
04:53Ya Rasulallah,
04:54who do you love the most?
04:56And the interesting point,
04:58when our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said this hadith,
04:59Aisha is not in the audience.
05:01He is not saying what he is saying,
05:03so that Aisha's ears hears.
05:05He is saying this to make a point,
05:08that in a society,
05:09which it is taboo,
05:11for a man to say how much he loves his wife.
05:13In a society where people think it's not masculine or something,
05:17to confess that he loves his wife.
05:19In front of the whole masjid,
05:21where all the major sahaba is there,
05:24he says,
05:24Aisha.
05:25Sure,
05:26she wasn't sitting there.
05:27Don't you think within 10 minutes,
05:29the news would have spread all the way back?
05:31Don't you think the whole city of Medina would be buzzing?
05:34Our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam announced his love for Aisha.
05:36And how do you think Aisha would feel?
05:38Then of course,
05:38the man becomes flustered.
05:40No, no,
05:40I didn't mean women.
05:41I meant amongst the men.
05:43And even then,
05:44as we know,
05:45he linked the one man,
05:46whom he knew decades before he married Aisha.
05:49He still linked him through Aisha,
05:52whom he's only been married to for less than a decade.
05:54He said,
05:55amongst the men,
05:55her father.
05:56Even though he knew her father,
05:58even before she was born.
06:00And he knew her father for 40 plus,
06:0250 plus years.
06:03But now,
06:04the love that he has for Aisha,
06:06needs to be demonstrated.
06:07Dear husbands,
06:08there is nothing wrong.
06:11In fact,
06:11it is Islamic,
06:12and it is common sense,
06:14to affirm love verbally for your wife.
06:17Saying,
06:18I love you,
06:18never grows old.
06:20No matter how old you are,
06:21the love should still be young.
06:23Now the flip side of this,
06:24the opposite side of this,
06:26is to be negative when you speak.
06:27To always put the other party down.
06:30To say something that is demeaning,
06:32or emotionally hurtful.
06:34How can a marriage flourish,
06:36when every second or third statement,
06:38is meant to hurt the other person?
06:39How can a marriage flourish?
06:41Be careful.
06:42And even if something needs to be said,
06:44even if something needs to be pointed out,
06:47try to change the language into something positive,
06:50rather than negative.
06:51For example,
06:52simple example,
06:53and again,
06:53I don't want to be too stereotypical,
06:55but sometimes,
06:56let's say the default is,
06:57in most couples,
06:58let's say,
06:59the wife is going to cook more than the husband,
07:01let's say.
07:01So,
07:01let's say the husband is irritated at,
07:03let's say,
07:03food isn't being cooked.
07:04Okay?
07:05Rather than saying,
07:06that can't you ever cook some food?
07:07Can't you ever cook a decent meal?
07:09Flip it around and say,
07:10remember that biryani you made?
07:12Biryani is always,
07:13mashallah,
07:13language of love.
07:14That's another language of love.
07:15Okay?
07:15Remember that biryani you made two weeks ago?
07:18I really miss it.
07:19The same sentiment is done.
07:20I really miss that dish that you cooked.
07:22Imagine if you said that,
07:24rather than saying,
07:25why can't you cook a good meal?
07:26The same sentiment,
07:28you miss a meal.
07:29You really want that.
07:30But you phrase it positively.
07:32You put the spin on it.
07:34And now,
07:35perhaps the spouse will be enthusiastic.
07:37And do it out of genuine love,
07:39rather than hate,
07:41and being forced to do it.
07:42So the point is that,
07:43this is what you call,
07:44words of affirmation.
07:46You affirm your love.
07:47You say something that is positive.
07:49And one of the most important ways to do this,
07:52is to praise your partner.
07:55To say something good about your partner.
07:57Husbands,
07:58husbands,
07:59always compliment your wife.
08:02No matter what she's wearing,
08:03she says,
08:03how do you think this looks?
08:05The answer is,
08:05don't think.
08:06Do not think at all.
08:08Say,
08:08mashallah,
08:09tibarakallah.
08:10You have to give good words here.
08:12Okay?
08:13And of course,
08:14obviously,
08:14I shouldn't say this out too loud,
08:16but it's on the microphone,
08:17everything.
08:17Remember,
08:18we are allowed to exaggerate a little bit,
08:20when it comes to spousal issues.
08:23Okay?
08:23Alhamdulillah.
08:24Our Prophet ο·Ί said,
08:25that what a husband and wife say to one another,
08:28this hadith in Bukhari,
08:29there is no kathib,
08:30there is no lying.
08:31What does this mean?
08:32Subhanallah,
08:33some of our brothers,
08:34mashallah,
08:34they're so muttaqi,
08:35they're so muttaqi,
08:36they think they have to be honest,
08:38when their wives ask them,
08:40how they look in the dress that they're wearing.
08:41La hawl laquoo sallam billah.
08:43No,
08:44don't dig your graves that early.
08:45Okay?
08:45You are allowed to,
08:48mashallah,
08:48tabarakallah,
08:49put some syrup and sugar.
08:51And Allah is not going to punish you,
08:53for love language over here.
08:56Okay?
08:56And I'm being serious here,
08:58that subhanallah,
08:58why do you think,
08:59our Prophet ο·Ί actually said,
09:01there is no kathib,
09:02in a man and a wife,
09:04a husband and wife talking with one another.
09:05Why do you think he said this?
09:07Because he's opening the door.
09:08Go ahead and sweet talk one another.
09:10Go ahead and say whatever you want.
09:13Alhamdulillah,
09:14it's good for you,
09:15for the marriage.
09:15Why do you think he even says this?
09:17Because he wants to show you words of affirmation.
09:21Wives as well,
09:22don't always put your husband's accomplishments down.
09:25Like everything has to be a sarcastic thing.
09:28No.
09:28Praise.
09:29Thank.
09:30Say that you appreciate the job promotion.
09:32Oh,
09:32you only got one raise,
09:33not three raises.
09:34No.
09:35Praise it a little bit more.
09:36Even if you are frustrated,
09:38they only got one raise after three years,
09:39whatever.
09:40Praise it.
09:41MashaAllah,
09:42I support you in the...
09:43That one word,
09:44subhanallah,
09:45you will increase his love for you so much,
09:48by a word of affirmation.
09:50Your respect and your support,
09:52is gonna go light years,
09:54in his love for you.
09:55So,
09:55both husbands and wives,
09:57first language of love is,
09:58the most obvious tongue.
10:00The second language of love.
10:01And this is a language that,
10:03generally speaking,
10:05women love to receive,
10:07but men find difficult to give.
10:09Okay?
10:10And it is the language of time.
10:12This is the language that,
10:14it shows you care.
10:15Why?
10:16Because we all have 24 hours in the day.
10:19And what you choose to do with those 24 hours,
10:22shows your priorities.
10:23That is obvious, isn't it?
10:24Therefore,
10:25a woman wants to experience love,
10:29by time.
10:30So,
10:31the wife usually complains that,
10:33he doesn't spend time with me.
10:35And us husbands,
10:36we're like,
10:36we come home,
10:37you know,
10:37at 7pm,
10:38and we leave the house,
10:39whatever,
10:40at you know,
10:408pm,
10:40right there,
10:41that's 13 hours a day,
10:43multiplied by 5,
10:44then on the weekend.
10:45So,
10:45he is thinking,
10:46clock time.
10:47But you see,
10:47when the wife is asking for time,
10:49she's not asking clock time.
10:51She is asking,
10:52attention.
10:53Attention.
10:54Quality time,
10:55not quantity.
10:56You see,
10:57we only have one Saturday evening.
10:59And if you choose to go,
11:01play cricket with your friends,
11:02on Saturday evening,
11:03okay,
11:04what you've done,
11:05is you've demonstrated to your wife,
11:07that you've taken your most,
11:09choicest time frame.
11:11The time frame,
11:12where you're relaxed,
11:12you're calm,
11:13she's looking forward to it,
11:15let's say,
11:15and you're like,
11:16no,
11:16I'm gonna go and watch the match.
11:18I'm gonna go.
11:19So,
11:19she feels slighted.
11:21Not because of the clock time,
11:22but because of quality time.
11:24Husbands,
11:25when you say to your wife,
11:26we will spend this time together,
11:28this means,
11:29the television has to be off.
11:31It means,
11:31the remote has to be away from your hand.
11:34I know that's very difficult to let go,
11:37especially as the wife is talking,
11:38and the,
11:39no,
11:39that's not quality time.
11:41Means the magazine has to be shut,
11:43and you have to pay attention,
11:45spend actual time.
11:47And our Prophet,
11:48sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
11:50would spend quality time with his wives,
11:52every single day and week.
11:54Aisha says that,
11:56even though the general rule,
11:57he told the sahaba,
11:58that try to go to sleep after Isha,
12:00in those days,
12:00they would sleep after Isha,
12:01pray tahajj,
12:02pray kafir fajr.
12:03Aisha says that,
12:04the Prophet,
12:04sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
12:04would speak to me after Isha.
12:07Meaning,
12:07at night time,
12:08when everybody else is asleep,
12:09he would speak to me until late night.
12:11And,
12:11we all know,
12:12the famous incident in Sahih Bukhari as well,
12:15that our Prophet,
12:15sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
12:17he famously,
12:18once told the sahaba,
12:19they were going on a caravan,
12:21that he told the sahaba,
12:22you guys go forward,
12:23and leave me with Aisha.
12:25And,
12:25he then raced her,
12:27in the desert.
12:28He raced her.
12:29And,
12:29the first time,
12:30who beat whom?
12:31Aisha radiallahu alayhi wa sallam,
12:32beat the Prophet,
12:33sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
12:34Then a few months,
12:34or a few years later,
12:35the same thing happened,
12:36and,
12:37he beat her.
12:38And then he said,
12:39this one makes up for the first one.
12:41This is what we call,
12:42quality time.
12:44Literally,
12:45he got rid of,
12:46every other engagement.
12:47Literally,
12:48this is what we call,
12:49when we're talking about time,
12:50he told the sahaba,
12:52leave me,
12:52give me some time,
12:53with Aisha.
12:54How do you think,
12:55our mother Aisha felt?
12:56How do you think,
12:57in public,
12:58he is giving this time,
12:59he's gonna raise.
13:00And by the way,
13:01doing a race,
13:02you think you are serious,
13:03and important?
13:04You think,
13:04it's demeaning for you,
13:05to play,
13:06with your wife and children?
13:08A'udhu billah,
13:09a'udhu billah.
13:10Our Prophet,
13:10sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
13:11and he is Rasulullah,
13:12the one whom Allah,
13:13sent the Quran down on.
13:15And he is,
13:15playing a race,
13:17with his wife.
13:17Think about that.
13:18And when you do a race,
13:19what must you do?
13:20On your mark,
13:21get set go.
13:22We're gonna begin here,
13:22we're gonna end there.
13:23That's all a part of the race,
13:25right?
13:25And he's doing that race,
13:26with Aisha radiallahu anha.
13:28This is what we mean,
13:29by quality time.
13:30When our wives ask us,
13:32you never spend time with me,
13:34this is what they mean.
13:35Both partners,
13:36need to give,
13:37quality time.
13:38And quality time,
13:39really it means attention,
13:40that's what it means.
13:41Language number three,
13:42is the language,
13:44of gift giving.
13:45The language,
13:46of giving something,
13:47to the other.
13:48A physical item,
13:49that is,
13:50handed over,
13:50by one,
13:51to the other,
13:52and our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
13:53explicitly mentioned this,
13:55as a language of love,
13:56in a hadith,
13:57that is only two words.
13:58Tahadu,
13:59tahabduh.
14:00Give hadiyya,
14:01you will love one another.
14:02This is an explicit affirmation,
14:04that giving hadiyya,
14:05is a language of love.
14:07And,
14:07giving hadiyya,
14:08another difference,
14:09between men and women.
14:10Us men,
14:11if our wives,
14:13had,
14:13let's just say,
14:14a thousand dollars,
14:15that they're gonna get,
14:16in a year,
14:17for a gift for us.
14:17Us men,
14:19we would want that,
14:19she saves that thousand,
14:21to that one time of the year,
14:23and gives us that expensive watch,
14:24or that tool set,
14:26or that,
14:26whatever it is.
14:27We want the expensive gift,
14:29even if it's once every blue moon.
14:31Fair enough.
14:32Men,
14:32wives,
14:33are not that way.
14:34They want frequent gifts,
14:36even if they're free.
14:37A gift,
14:38that shows,
14:39you are thinking about them.
14:40And,
14:41us husbands,
14:42we need to understand,
14:43our women,
14:44of course,
14:44they all love the expensive stuff as well.
14:46But,
14:47if we have a thousand dollars,
14:49take a small amount,
14:50for the big gift,
14:51and the rest of it,
14:52divide by,
14:53maybe twenty.
14:54And every,
14:54two weeks,
14:55every week,
14:55just give something small.
14:57And that small gift,
14:58will sustain the love.
15:00Yes,
15:00once in a while,
15:01you need the large gift,
15:02the wedding anniversary.
15:03If you don't know my position,
15:05wedding anniversary,
15:05is not only halal,
15:07it will sustain your marriage.
15:08I actually say,
15:09it is mustahab,
15:09to do this actually.
15:10There's nothing wrong,
15:11with having a romantic dinner,
15:13with your wife,
15:13or something like this.
15:14There's nothing wrong with this.
15:15But in any case,
15:15so it doesn't even have to be monetary.
15:18You know,
15:18some of the best gifts,
15:20are not money.
15:21For example,
15:22if you were to,
15:23write a card for your wife.
15:25Something from the heart,
15:26personal,
15:27a poem.
15:28No matter how cheesy,
15:29or dumb you think it is.
15:30Believe you me,
15:31it will impact the marriage.
15:33Believe you me,
15:34it's gonna go a long way.
15:35Because it's the thought that counts.
15:37Again,
15:38us men,
15:38we are way too,
15:40critically,
15:40over analytical.
15:41We analyze until we stagnate.
15:44What if she makes fun of?
15:46What if,
15:46what if,
15:46and in that,
15:48we do nothing.
15:49No,
15:49just do.
15:50Just something small,
15:51something trivial.
15:52And guys,
15:53flowers are always in season.
15:55No problem.
15:56Go give,
15:56no problem.
15:57You know,
15:57I remember I teach,
15:58I taught a class many years ago,
15:59and we're teaching class about seer and whatnot.
16:01One of the sisters said,
16:02did our Prophet ο·Ί ever give flowers to our mothers?
16:05I said,
16:05subhanAllah,
16:06dear sister in Arabia,
16:07right,
16:08in Medina,
16:08where do you think flowers are gonna come?
16:10But,
16:10I will tell you,
16:11and I gave her many romantic examples of them,
16:14is the Prophet ο·Ί drinking some milk,
16:16taking the milk of Aisha,
16:17and he turned the glass around.
16:19And where her lips came,
16:21he made a point to put the lips,
16:22right?
16:23Where her lips were,
16:24she handed the glass this way,
16:26Aisha said,
16:26he turned it around.
16:28And he looked at me,
16:29and where my lips were,
16:31he then did that.
16:32Something so small,
16:33this is what we call romance.
16:35Something so trivial,
16:37the point is,
16:38you want to demonstrate to your wife,
16:40that you're thinking about her,
16:41you're loving her.
16:42The fourth language of love,
16:43is the language of helping,
16:45the language of chores,
16:47the language of doing,
16:49what is typically the responsibility of the other to do.
16:51You see,
16:52in every marriage,
16:53husband and wife,
16:54routine works out.
16:55One couple does this,
16:56the other couple does that.
16:57That's the routine.
16:58Every once in a while,
17:00each partner should try,
17:02to do what is reasonable,
17:03that the other partner typically does.
17:05Why?
17:06To demonstrate,
17:07I'm not taking you for granted.
17:08To demonstrate that,
17:10I appreciate what you are doing.
17:12The stereotypical norm,
17:13is that women generally do more housework than the men.
17:16This is the stereotypical norm.
17:18Husbands,
17:18if Aisha herself told us,
17:20Ψ±ΨΆΩ Ψ§ΩΩΩ ΨΉΩΩΨ§,
17:21that our Prophet ο·Ί,
17:22would milk his own goat,
17:24and he would mend his own shoes,
17:26and he would cook his own,
17:27and prepare his own food.
17:28Now,
17:29Aisha said this,
17:30but I asked the women as well,
17:31do you think that Aisha would just sit,
17:33and do nothing,
17:34Ψ±ΨΆΩ Ψ§ΩΩΩ ΨΉΩΩΨ§.
17:35What she is saying,
17:36our Prophet ο·Ί,
17:37was not a commanding husband.
17:39Do this,
17:39cook my food,
17:40mend my shoes.
17:41He was not like that.
17:43If something needed to be done,
17:44and he could do it,
17:45he would stand up and do it.
17:47Now,
17:47do you think that Aisha would just sit,
17:49and do nothing?
17:49No.
17:50When she is there,
17:51she will do it.
17:52But he's not the commanding type.
17:54This is the ideal situation.
17:56Of course,
17:57even in the household of the Prophet ο·Ί,
17:59our mother is cooked.
18:00That's the default.
18:01We know this from many ahadith.
18:03She would prepare food,
18:04and put it in front.
18:05But he would not be commanding,
18:07oh,
18:07this and that.
18:08And if something needed to be done,
18:10he wouldn't say,
18:11fetch me water.
18:12He would stand up and do it.
18:13And if Aisha saw,
18:14she would go and do it for him.
18:15But he wasn't that commanding type.
18:17So,
18:18it's really important that both husbands and wives,
18:20they try to appreciate what the other is doing,
18:24and not take it for granted.
18:25Husbands,
18:26if your wife is the one that is regularly cooking,
18:28every once in a while,
18:29just say,
18:30you know what,
18:30you're cooking.
18:31I see you,
18:32mashallah,
18:32every day.
18:32Today,
18:33let's go out.
18:34Or even more than this,
18:35cook yourself.
18:36Point is,
18:37there should be give and take.
18:38That whatever is the default,
18:39right?
18:40Suppose,
18:40you know,
18:41the husband typically does one chore,
18:42whether it's the garbage taking,
18:44whatever.
18:44Once in a while,
18:45let the wife take charge and say,
18:46I appreciate what you're doing.
18:47Our wives,
18:48really,
18:48they do the bulk and the brunt of the household chores.
18:51And,
18:52it is human nature.
18:53After a while,
18:54they begin to feel cheapened.
18:55They begin to feel like,
18:57you're just treating me like a servant.
18:58All I do is,
18:59I cook and I clean and I do this.
19:00And,
19:00it's human nature.
19:01We would feel the same.
19:03And,
19:03we know this when our wives leave for a week or two.
19:06And,
19:06we see how much work they have to do.
19:08We are so grateful when they come back,
19:10right?
19:10When we have to take charge for that,
19:12two,
19:12three days,
19:13it looks like two,
19:13three years,
19:14okay?
19:15When that bowl doesn't magically disappear.
19:17And,
19:17it's still there when we come back.
19:19Why did it go away?
19:20We just expect it to disappear magically,
19:22right?
19:22When the food isn't automatically put in front of us,
19:24it just comes from heaven.
19:25We actually have to cook.
19:26Then,
19:26we realize how much our women do.
19:29Look,
19:29what do you expect is gonna happen?
19:31Day in,
19:32day out,
19:32week in,
19:33week out,
19:33year in,
19:34year out.
19:35And,
19:35especially if you add to this,
19:37children,
19:37or taking care of the children,
19:39and rearing the children.
19:40It might even lead to a mental instability
19:42if she's not appreciated,
19:44right?
19:44Agreed.
19:45We have our jobs,
19:46and we're paying for what not.
19:47Agreed.
19:47There's a lot going on there as well.
19:49And,
19:50it's understandable.
19:51But,
19:51it doesn't excuse that we should not take it for granted.
19:54Now,
19:55flip side as well.
19:56Women,
19:57our sisters,
19:58we talked about this issue of chores and responsibilities.
20:01Realize,
20:02one of the languages of love that most women do not appreciate,
20:07but men are screaming at the top of their lungs.
20:09But women do not hear is the language of taking care of the responsibilities of finances.
20:17This is a language of love.
20:18Would you give your paycheck 70, 80, 90% to a stranger every single month?
20:24The very fact that a man goes to work,
20:27spends 80% or more of his income on his family,
20:32consistently,
20:33without even one grumble,
20:35happily writes,
20:36this is the house payment,
20:38this is the bills,
20:39this is that,
20:40this is what I have to do.
20:41Understands it,
20:42and doesn't,
20:43this is what a man is supposed to do,
20:45and he does it.
20:46This is a language of love,
20:48that shows we care about this person.
20:50Why would we do it if we didn't care?
20:51And this is a language of love,
20:53that the other party,
20:54generally speaking,
20:55is not receiving.
20:56So,
20:57she is saying,
20:58he never says he loves me.
21:00He never spends time with me.
21:01This means he doesn't love me.
21:03And he,
21:04for 10 years,
21:0590% of his income is for the house.
21:08And she is ignoring this language completely.
21:10And he doesn't even realize there's a crisis.
21:13Because in his eyes,
21:14how can there be a problem?
21:16I'm taking care of you,
21:17taking care of the kids.
21:18Why is there an issue?
21:19Because he is screaming the language of love,
21:22in his Swahili,
21:23and she doesn't speak Swahili.
21:24She's waiting for the Chinese language.
21:25You get my point here,
21:26right?
21:27So,
21:27both parties need to understand the languages of love.
21:30Dear wives,
21:32the very fact,
21:33that your husband,
21:34is consistently,
21:36taking care of the finances,
21:38this means he loves you.
21:39Or else you wouldn't be taken care of.
21:41We take our wives,
21:42generally speaking,
21:43I'm being stereotypical,
21:44but again,
21:44generally speaking,
21:45we take our wives,
21:46housekeeping for granted.
21:47But vice versa,
21:49our wives take the house for granted.
21:51They take the finances for granted.
21:54And we both need to appreciate each other more,
21:57and understand that that is a language of love.
21:59Okay?
21:59And this leads us to our fifth language of love,
22:02and that is the language of the physical touch.
22:04And five is 5A and 5B.
22:065B is obviously the act of intimacy.
22:09And that is clearly an aspect of marriage,
22:11and it is something that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
22:13wants us to be happy in.
22:16This is explicit in the Quran.
22:17I started with 5B, by the way,
22:21because 5A is something we don't think about.
22:24I started with 5B.
22:255B is the act of intimacy.
22:27The conjugal act is a very important manifestation.
22:31Now, generally speaking,
22:33again, I have to be stereotypical,
22:34statistically wise,
22:35for most men,
22:37this is a very important language.
22:39And a lot of times,
22:41in most couples,
22:42across all cultures,
22:43not just Muslim culture,
22:45but across the globe,
22:46most couples,
22:47the man will complain about 5B.
22:50I don't get enough of 5B.
22:52Okay?
22:52I don't get enough of this language of love.
22:54But see,
22:54of course,
22:55sometimes it's the other way,
22:56that the wife is complaining,
22:57and it's true both ways.
22:58But the majority is that the men are complaining.
23:00And this is, again,
23:00across all cultures.
23:02But see,
23:02one of the reasons why,
23:04is that the other four languages,
23:06and language 5A,
23:08is not given.
23:09So when the wife is not getting any of the four,
23:12and we're gonna come to 5A,
23:13I'm waiting for it to the end,
23:14don't worry.
23:14But I'm trying to explain to you.
23:16When she is not receiving any language of love,
23:19she doesn't feel like giving the language of 5B.
23:22She doesn't feel appreciated.
23:245B,
23:25the language of intimacy,
23:26becomes a chore.
23:28She begins to despise it sometimes.
23:30Oh, he only comes to me,
23:31when he needs me.
23:32He takes me for complete advantage.
23:34He has no clue as to the effort,
23:37the sacrifice,
23:37the love,
23:38the dedication.
23:39He only comes to me,
23:40for one need of his.
23:41And it becomes a burden,
23:43and a chore,
23:44rather than becoming,
23:45the most beautiful,
23:47the most romantic,
23:48the most intimate.
23:49Why?
23:49Because,
23:50either the husband is not expressing,
23:52or she is not understanding,
23:54the other languages.
23:55The first four,
23:56and 5A.
23:57And now we get to 5A.
23:58We understand what 5B is,
23:59it's very clear.
24:00What is 5A?
24:01This is a language,
24:02that women love more than men,
24:04generally speaking.
24:05And it deals with the physical touch.
24:07The physical touch,
24:09that has nothing to do with 5B.
24:11The physical touch,
24:12that is not meant,
24:13to get to intimacy.
24:14Can you believe,
24:15and this is a hadith,
24:16in Abu Dawud,
24:17and Tirmidhi,
24:18and other books,
24:18that our mother Aisha says,
24:20the first thing,
24:21the Prophet ο·Ί did,
24:22when he entered upon us,
24:23was that he would kiss us.
24:24This is an authentic hadith.
24:25Just a kiss.
24:26Guys,
24:27you can actually give a kiss,
24:28and that's it.
24:28I know it's shocking to many of you,
24:30but that's it,
24:30you can stop right there.
24:31You don't have to go any more than that.
24:33A hug,
24:33just a hug.
24:34A back massage.
24:35And without going anywhere else,
24:37that's it.
24:37You don't expect anything more.
24:39Guess what?
24:39If you don't expect anything more,
24:41you might actually get something more.
24:42So, 5A is just a physical touch,
24:46that is meant to show,
24:47that you appreciate her.
24:49And in fact,
24:50a survey was done by this author,
24:51who did this book,
24:52that a survey was done,
24:54that the majority of men,
24:55only touch their wives,
24:57when they're expecting the full way.
24:59And this survey demonstrated,
25:01that most women,
25:02then begin to find that touch repulsive.
25:05They don't want to be touched then.
25:06That's the only reason.
25:07They start feeling used.
25:09They start feeling that,
25:10oh, you only want me for that.
25:12And therefore,
25:13we need to break this barrier.
25:14And that is why even,
25:15we learn from the hadith in Bukhari,
25:17that every time a Prophet ο·Ί went home,
25:19before he entered his house,
25:21he would do the miswak.
25:22Our scholars say,
25:24so that his breath was fresh.
25:25Why do you think his breath has to be fresh,
25:27when he enters the house?
25:28Think about it.
25:28Okay?
25:29Whether it's a peck on the cheek,
25:30whether it is kiss,
25:31whether it is a hug,
25:32something that is just a touch,
25:34that is not necessarily sexual in nature.
25:36You want your wife to love you,
25:38wife you want your husband to love you as well,
25:40you need to express these languages of love.
25:43This is what you call the perfect marriage.
25:46Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh