Pregnant women have a habit of rubbing their bellies - have they never thought of resting a pint on it?
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#JimmyCarr #Comedy
Welcome to Jimmy Carr's official YouTube channel, where you can find all the best bits from his stand-up comedy shows, TV appearances, podcasts, and more!
Check out my latest tour info here: https://www.jimmycarr.com/
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#JimmyCarr #Comedy
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NewsTranscript
00:00Did you know, for example, 44% of vegans live alone?
00:03I'm not surprised. You can only open so many windows.
00:06LAUGHTER
00:0840% of Brits wouldn't give up their seat for a pregnant woman.
00:11I got into trouble when I offered my seat to someone I thought was pregnant.
00:15Turned out, just that...
00:16LAUGHTER
00:18..he was livid.
00:19LAUGHTER
00:21And 2% of Brits connect to the internet using a dongle.
00:25I almost broke my dongle using the internet.
00:27It completely overheated and started leaking.
00:30LAUGHTER
00:31Turns out, it was a virus.
00:33LAUGHTER
00:34Right, let's get started.
00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:41What do you think the nation have been talking about the last week?
00:43Megxit? Megxit. Megxit.
00:44They're calling it Megxit because, eh, we're out of ideas.
00:47LAUGHTER
00:48Everyone's saying it's her fault.
00:50Like, oh, I don't trust Megan, I don't like the look of her,
00:53it's all Megan, she's manipulative.
00:54It's amazing how much men can get away with.
00:56Harry, like, dressed like a Nazi, fought in a war,
01:00he's naked in Vegas, taking drugs.
01:02All he had to do to wipe the slate clean was marry a black woman
01:04and fly economy.
01:05And now everyone's like, he's the Duke of Woke.
01:08LAUGHTER
01:11It's very confusing to me because Megan Markle's done backwards
01:14exactly my life.
01:16So, like, I was a waitress who hooked up with a creep from a trash family
01:21and I left Canada because I wasn't getting enough attention.
01:23LAUGHTER
01:27Spencer and Vogue, do you know them personally?
01:29Are you friends with them?
01:31No, we don't know them, sadly.
01:33I like their job. They're an older one.
01:35Yeah.
01:36I think, ultimately, everyone would be more comfortable
01:39with them doing whatever they want if they did it properly, no?
01:41Like, if they'd told the Queen and done it normally,
01:43it would have probably been all right.
01:45I don't know about you, but I've never run anything I've done
01:47in my life past my nana.
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49Literally nothing. The idea that they have to.
01:51It must be so difficult to explain to your hot new girlfriend.
01:55Oh, yeah, we've got to just run that by my nan, because...
01:58LAUGHTER
02:00No, no, no, no, I know, I know I'm your man and I love you
02:04and you love me, but I just want to get permission from my nan.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08But she's got to talk to my grandad first
02:11and then we'll see what my dad says.
02:13And then I'll get back to you. What?!
02:15Well, we had to have a family summit this week,
02:18because we thought either one of the kids or the cat
02:21had shit on the table.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23One of the kids or the cat?
02:25Yeah, but... Oh, so you'd ruled out your partner?
02:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:28A bit of progress in your family?
02:30Me and Lou had a frank discussion, it weren't us,
02:32and then it worked out, it was just a gone-off bit of avocado.
02:35Oh, well, that gives.
02:37I can't believe you confused avocado for cat shit.
02:40What do you feed your kids? I feed my cat mainly Lenore.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Very, very nice-smelling poo it has.
02:48Can't say that, allegedly.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51I don't do that to my cat, not Lenore.
02:53Just the own-brand stuff, cheaper.
02:55What do you think of Meghan Markle? Do you like her?
02:58It's not gone smoothly, has it?
02:59Let's be honest, I think it would be easier to leave ISIS
03:02than the Royal Family.
03:03I think that Jihadi bride looks less stressed than Meghan.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:09Do you think the Jihadi bride's looking at it going,
03:11fucking hell, she's having a rough night?
03:13LAUGHTER
03:14Nadine, what do you think?
03:16What was annoying that she done was,
03:18she was deliberately moving her coat out of the way,
03:20so we could all see the poem.
03:22That is one of my pet hates.
03:23I cannot bear it when pregnant people are just constantly...
03:27Yes. It's like, it's not going to fall out.
03:28It would be more eerie if her hands were just by her side
03:31the whole time, like a mannequin, or just like that.
03:35Yeah. Like resting her arms... It's a nice shelf.
03:38It's a nice shelf when you've got one.
03:39You could drink with a pint on there. Yeah, yeah.
03:41Sorry, Harry and Meghan? Yeah.
03:43LAUGHTER
03:46There is a naivety in this move.
03:48I understand that the press have been hounding them,
03:50and they want to quit the royal family now
03:52to sort of escape the press attention,
03:54by doing the most newsworthy thing
03:57they could possibly do in this situation.
03:59They seem to think that if they leave the press alone,
04:02the press will leave them alone, like they're bears.
04:04LAUGHTER
04:06They're more scared of you than you are of them.
04:09It's kind of hard to understand how you retire
04:11from not having a job.
04:13I mean, they've just got back from a six-week vacation
04:16in Canada, and they've landed, and the first thing they've said
04:18is, oh, this is too much work.
04:21They've just gone on holiday, they've had a nice holiday,
04:24and we've all done it, when you come back and you think,
04:26right, I'm going to homeschool the kids,
04:28and we'll make goat's cheese in the door door, and then...
04:32..just throw it all in. I think you've nailed it.
04:34I think it's that thing where you're on holiday,
04:36and you're like, two bottles of Baileys Inn, going,
04:38do you know what? I'm not going back.
04:40I'm never coming back. I'm not going back, Harry.
04:42They can't make me go back. Don't make me go back.
04:44I can't stand your nan!
04:46LAUGHTER
04:48I love the way, on the front covers of all the papers,
04:51it was, like, close-ups of all the different royals,
04:53and saying, like, oh, the Queen looks disgruntled.
04:55It's just the same face.
04:57She's never had a different face.
04:59They said Prince Philip looks upset.
05:01He's only ever got one face. Dead. That's his face.
05:04I've never seen an alive person look more dead.
05:07The problem with Prince Harry is, if you take the Prince away from him,
05:10he's just a ginger squaddie, isn't he?
05:12I mean, really, she should have just gone, like, to a nightclub
05:15in Aldershot and saved herself some bother.
05:18Spencer, Vogue. You're in the limelight now in the UK.
05:21You've got your own reality TV show.
05:23So, if you ever wanted to escape at all, would you move abroad?
05:26Would you emigrate? No, we'd just been away for a month,
05:28and I felt really lazy towards the end.
05:30Where did you go? St Barts. To the sun, by looking at him.
05:33Fucking hell. That is a tan, isn't it?
05:36He's actually topless.
05:39I would describe your tan this evening as borderline racist.
05:43My problem with it is people say,
05:45oh, you know, Harry and Meghan, you should let them do whatever they want,
05:48they should be allowed to do this, people think it doesn't make any difference,
05:51but it does make a difference.
05:52Because if something terrible happened to William and Kate and the kids,
05:55the Queen and Charles are very old, they're going to go at some stage,
05:58and then you're left with King Andrew, no-one wants that.
06:00Is that true? No. Yeah.
06:02Because you've got a William, then you've got a Kate,
06:04then you've got a George, then you've got... There's loads of them.
06:07There's one light aircraft crash away.
06:09Oh!
06:13That's the same reason that the two founders of Coca-Cola don't fly together.
06:17Yeah. Just in case the plane goes down.
06:19Sure. Recipe.
06:21You know what I mean.
06:23The people who know the Coca-Cola recipe don't fly together.
06:25You think there's two people that know the Coca-Cola recipe?
06:28Well, yeah.
06:30There's two people going, fucking hell, Bill.
06:34We've got to make more, demand's huge.
06:38What about KFC? Do they fly... Does the Colonel fly separately?
06:42That does my head in as well.
06:44What is it, a recipe of eight spices? Eleven. Eleven? Yeah.
06:47Tell you what it is, mostly fucking salt.
06:50Let's get back to Meghan and Harry.
06:52Look, I don't blame her for wanting to leave, yeah?
06:54You wouldn't want to hang around with that family, would you?
06:57The nan's always down the auxes, the grandad's a racist,
07:00the uncle runs around with pedos.
07:03What fun are you on me for? Sorry.
07:07Fucking hell.
07:09You should have got these.
07:13Sorry, Phil. It's the glasses.
07:15No offence, Phil, but you look like a pedo and the victim.
07:21OK, so, well, should we have a look and see
07:23whether Harry and Meghan are the most talked-about thing?
07:26Yes! Yes!
07:30Harry and Meghan say they'd now like to split their time
07:33between spending your money in the UK and spending your money in Canada.