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00:00All right, and this is my office.
00:02Is this part of the tour?
00:03Nope, goodbye.
00:04Come on, Sheldon, we've hardly shown him anything.
00:08All right, this is my desk.
00:11These are my books.
00:12This is my door.
00:13Please close it behind you.
00:14Goodbye.
00:17Looks like you're doing work in quantum loop corrections.
00:19Keen observation.
00:20Goodbye.
00:22You see where you went wrong, don't you?
00:25Leonard?
00:26Yeah?
00:28Get him out.
00:30Come on, Dennis, I'll show you the rec center.
00:32They've got Nautilus equipment.
00:33Do I look like I lift weights?
00:36Not heavy ones.
00:38It's startling to me you haven't considered
00:40Lorentz and Varian or field theory approach.
00:43You think I haven't considered it?
00:45You really think I haven't considered it?
00:47Have you considered it?
00:50Get him out, Leonard.
00:51Come on, Dennis.
00:52I'll show you the radiation lab.
00:55Wow.
00:56You won the Stevenson Award?
00:58Yes.
01:00In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
01:03Really?
01:04How old?
01:05Fourteen and a half.
01:07You were the youngest person ever to win it.
01:13It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
01:16Cough, cough, cough, cough.
01:28Oh, dear God.
01:31Leonard!
01:34Leonard, I'm sick.
01:39Leonard.
01:42Leonard, I'm sick.
01:46Leonard? Leonard? Leonard? Leonard, my comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend
02:01it over. Leonard? Ow. Hey, Leonard, where are you? I'm at work. At 6.30 in the morning?
02:29Yes. On Sunday? Yes. Why? They asked me to come in. I didn't hear the phone ring. They
02:40texted me. Well, as I predicted, I am sick. My fever has been tracking up exponentially
02:48since 2 a.m. and I am producing sputum at an alarming rate. No kidding. Nope, not only
02:58that, it has shifted from clear to milky green. Howard, it's the phone. I know it's the phone,
03:12Ma. I hear the phone. Well, who's calling at this ungodly hour? I don't know. Well,
03:20ask them why they're calling at this ungodly hour. How can I ask them when I'm talking
03:26to you? Hello? Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green. Dear lord, not milky green. Here's
03:41the problem with teleportation. Lay it on me. Assuming a device could be invented which
03:51would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit
03:55that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the
03:59individual. You would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
04:06How about that? Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon
04:12would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon. Would the new Sheldon
04:18be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? No, he would be exactly the same. That is
04:25a problem. So you see it too. What'd you get the birthday boy? Well, Raj got him an awesome
04:30limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross' definitive Batman and I got
04:34him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics. Nice! I got him
04:40a sweater. Okay, well he might like that. I've seen him get chilly. Sheldon, I didn't
04:47see your present. That's because I didn't bring one. Why not? Don't ask. The entire
04:52institution of gift giving makes no sense. Too late. Let's say that I go out and I spend
04:57$50 on you. It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need whereas you
05:02know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly and
05:07you could give me $50 on my birthday and so on until one of us dies leaving the other
05:11one old and $50 richer. And I ask you, is it worth it? Told you not to ask. Well Sheldon,
05:21you're his friend. Friends give each other presents. I accept your premise. I reject
05:26your conclusion. Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention. What? Just do it. It's a
05:38non-optional social convention. Oh, fair enough. He came with a manual. What the hell was
05:50that? Any other questions? Dr. Sheldon Cooper here. I am the lead author of this particular
05:59paper. Thank you. And you sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking
06:08through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round which started me thinking
06:12about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute
06:17zero. I didn't skip it. It's just an anecdote. It's not science. Oh, I see. It was the apple
06:22falling on Newton's head. Was that just an anecdote? You are not Isaac Newton. No, no,
06:26that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. You cannot possibly
06:31be that arrogant. You continue to underestimate me, my good man. Look, if you weren't happy
06:36with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me. As I've explained repeatedly,
06:40unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. No offense. Really? So why did you
06:46come? Because I knew you'd screw this up. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven
06:50like you. Maybe I got my doctorate at twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only
06:55person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not
07:02the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
07:07So you admit you're an egotist? Yes. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never
07:13please my parents, so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he's worse!
07:18Okay, that is it. Stop it. You cannot blow up my head with your mind. Then I'll settle
07:27for an aneurysm. Stop it. You hit me. You saw that? He hit me. You were trying to blow
07:32up my head. So it was working. It wasn't. It was not. You are a nutcase! I'll see about
07:37that. Heads up, you people in the front row, this is a splash zone. Stop it! Quit it! Is
07:49this usually how these physics things go? More often than you think. Penny, that's where
08:00I sit. Sit next to me. No, I sit there. What's the difference? What's the difference? Here
08:11we go. In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm and yet not
08:16so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross
08:20breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle
08:24that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create
08:28a parallax distortion. I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Do you want me
08:37to move? Well. Just sit somewhere else. Fine. Sheldon, sit. Ah, this is Lalita Guptal.
09:06Lalita, this is Leonard, and Sheldon, and Howard, and Penny. Isn't it great? She isn't
09:11fat anymore. Forgive me, your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature
09:17to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair. I'm sorry? You are
09:24the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali. Oh, no kidding. Who is that? A beloved
09:32character from an Indian folk tale. Oh. Us Indian or come to our casino Indian? You
09:41Indian. Oh. The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms
09:47woven into your ebony hair. Well, thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too. I shower
09:54twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can. Really? So do I. But you're a dentist.
10:01He's nuts. Don't be insulting, Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess
10:09you say I look like. It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars,
10:14and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips. Oh, my. Back off,
10:21Sheldon. What? If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent
10:25of my wrath. I'm not hitting on her. And I am not your lady. Well, and you have no
10:32wrath. You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are, for all intents and purposes, 100%
10:39hooked up. Okay, let's get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to
10:43get my parents off my case. I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from
10:47you. That's exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to
10:52Screw Princess Panchali. Hey, you can't talk to me like that. But you're not Princess Panchali.
10:56Luckily for you, she can have you beheaded. Sheldon, are you hungry? I could eat. Let's
11:02go. Someone touched my board. Oh, God, my board. Leonard! Leonard! Hey, what's the
11:24matter? My equations. Someone's tampered with my equations. Are you sure? Of course I'm
11:28sure. Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics. The sign's been changed. Yeah,
11:34but doesn't that fix the problem you've been having? Are you insane? Are you out of your
11:39mind? Hey, look, that fixes the problem I've been having. You're welcome. You did this?
11:49Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it. Now you can
11:53show that quarks are asymptotically free at high energies. Pretty cool, huh? Cool?
12:00Listen, I gotta get to the lab. Thanks for a great night. Thank you. I'll see you at
12:07work. Hold on. Hold on. What? Who told you you could touch my board? No one. Yeah, I
12:14don't come into your house and touch your board. There are no incorrect equations on
12:18my board. Oh, that is so, so... I'm sorry, I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective,
12:30text me. Inconsiderate. That is the adjective. In 1935, Erwin Schrödinger, in an attempt
12:40to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics, he proposed an experiment
12:45where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random
12:50time. Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released, until the box is
12:56opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead. I'm sorry, I don't get the
13:06point. Well, of course you don't get it. I haven't made it yet. You'd have to be psychic
13:12to get it, and there's no such thing as psychic. Sheldon, what's the point? Just like Schrödinger's
13:17cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and
13:22bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is. Okay, so you're saying
13:28I should go out with Leonard. No, no, no, no, no. Let me start again. In 1935, Erwin
13:36Schrödinger... Sheldon, I think I've made a mistake. I can see that, unless you're
13:41planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch-filled
13:45redundancy. No, it's about Penny. A mistake involving Penny. Okay, you'll have to narrow
13:52it down. I don't think I can go out with her tonight. Then don't. Other people would say
14:00why not. Other people might be interested. I'm gonna talk anyway. I assumed you would.
14:09Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny, I'm not excited. I'm nauseous. Ah, then
14:14your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available
14:18for violent expulsion. Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens
14:24if I blow it? Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption
14:30that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that
14:34the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny.
14:39The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to
14:43mind. Tell me whether or not to go through with the date. Schrodinger's cat. Wow, that's
14:50brilliant. You sound surprised. Stripper grin. Tag, you're it. Shouldn't you put him in a
15:05brown paper bag and set him on fire? I've never slept on an air mattress before. No
15:14lumbar support whatsoever. Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench. I don't see any way
15:22to get a park bench in here. Do you want to switch? No, that's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable
15:29sleeping on a bouncy castle. Get out of bed, we're switching. Now, only if you want to.
15:36Just get in the bed. What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing? We're just talking,
15:46Ma. If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers.
15:54God's sake, Ma, I'm 27 years old. It's not even a school night. Comfy now? Yeah. A poster
16:13of Halle Berry's a little unnerving. So don't look at it. She's like my fourth favorite
16:20catwoman. No kidding. Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, and then her.
16:25What about Lee Merriweather? Oh, I forgot about Lee Merriweather. I'm glad that's settled.
16:32That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite catwoman. It's Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha
16:38Kitt, Lee Merriweather. Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep. I'm trying. I'm counting
16:43catwomen. She did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies, though. Oh, for God's sake.
16:53Which is not my favorite of the X-Men. In order, that would be Wolverine, Cyclops...
16:56Oh, wait, I forgot Professor X. Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm,
17:01Angel, The Beat... Oh, wait, Nightcrawler. Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops,
17:07Iceman, then Storm, Angel... I'm coming. Hey. There he is. There my old buddy-butt-bud.
17:20Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter. We have
17:26to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general
17:31sluttiness. Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some. Some what? Oh,
17:40yes, some sexual intercourse. I'll take the bullet. Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
17:49Yeah, yeah, enough debate. I'm going to take action. Excuse me, are you currently involved
17:55in a sexual relationship? No. Would you like to be? Uh, sure, why not? Sheldon? Can I have
18:11your phone number? Uh, yeah. Yeah. There, problem solved. Dumbass. Did you remember
18:35to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded? Yes. Even though the
18:38menu description specifies shredded? Yes. Brown rice, not white? Yes. Did you stop at
18:42the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard? Yes. Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce
18:45from the market? Yes. Thank you. You're welcome. What took you so long? Just sit down and eat.
18:54Fine. Alright, it's shredded. What do you want me to do? Turn on the ignition and shift
19:03into drive. I haven't fastened my seatbelt yet. Okay, fasten your seatbelt. Click. Now,
19:21are there airbags? You don't need airbags. What does a simulated van rear-ends mean?
19:25I'll hit you in the face with a pillow. Okay, now shift into drive and pull out slowly into
19:40traffic. Oh! Watch out for the gas rear-ends! Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes! Thank you.
20:07Sorry. Excuse me. My bad. Student driver! How did you manage to get on the second floor
20:20of the Glendale Galleria? I don't know. I was on the Pasadena Freeway. I missed my exit,
20:27flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another. Maybe you want to give it a rest
20:34and try again tomorrow? No. I quit. Oh, the pet store. Remind me to compliment Wallow
20:51that's on the software. That's amazingly detailed. Penny. Penny. Penny. Sheldon. I
21:13have an inflamed larynx. Okay. We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any? Okay, let
21:31me check. Some hiney would be nice. Hiney? Honey. Trailing badly. Wolowitz needs a strike.
21:51If he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the ninth frame
21:55with a career-best 68. Hey, guys. That doesn't count! Do-over! Do-over! There are no do-overs
22:13in Wii Bowling. There are always do-overs when my people play sports. Where were you
22:20that's more important than Wii Bowling night? Actually, I was... It's a rhetorical question.
22:24There is nothing more important than Wii Bowling night. Come on. It's just a video game,
22:29and we suck at it. Nice motivational speech from the team captain. Attaining five friendships
22:36promises to be a Herculean task, so I'm going to have to let one of you go. Me, me. Let
22:46it be me. Leonard, you are my roommate, my source of transportation, and you help me
22:54fold my sheets when they come out of the dryer. You are safe. Can I whistle? Don't be silly.
23:03Howard, you do not have a PhD. Your cologne is an assault on the senses, and you're not
23:11available for video games during the Jewish high holidays. Guilty as charged. I'm out.
23:17No, you two are safe. Oh, come on. What do I have to do? Okay, you know what? I see where
23:25this is going. I'm not one of you guys. I'm not a scientist, so just tell me what to do.
23:29Penny, Penny, Penny, everything you're saying is true, but please allow me to continue.
23:33Raj, you're out. It's a good question. While you do provide a certain cultural diversity
23:44to an otherwise homogenous group, your responses to the questionnaire were truly disturbing.
23:49How could you for a moment think that my favorite amino acid is glutamine? He had lysine but
23:56changed it. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Raj. This appears significantly more monolithic than it did
24:07on my laptop. No one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons. You afraid of
24:15heights, Cooper? Hardly. Fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand,
24:21is prudent and evolutionary. What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve
24:27to cement our newfound friendship? Come on, they have birthday parties here. Why don't kids
24:31climb this? Little kid hominids, perhaps. So is this your entire job? Parents must be so proud.
24:46Let's go, Cooper. Coming, Kripke. Okay. Harness seems to be secure. Small amount of incontinence
24:55just now, but the website said that's to be expected. Okay. This isn't so bad. A bit like vertical
25:06swimming. Hey, look at you, Cooper. You're almost halfway to the top. I am? I was wrong. It is a fear
25:17of heights. You alright there, Cooper? Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function
25:23that's approached an asymptote. Are you saying you're stuck? What part of inverse tangent function
25:28is approaching an asymptote? Did you not understand? I understood all of it. I'm not a mole on.
25:33Just keep going. Yeah, I don't think I can. Well, climb back down. That doesn't seem any more likely.
25:42So what's your plan, Cooper? Well, it's not exactly a plan, but I think I'm going to pass out.
25:55Maybe the cockatoo is new at the zoo. Author Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne, Indiana
26:03with her husband and best friend, Mark, and their cockatoos, too. Probably makes her an expert in making
26:11friends, wouldn't you agree? I don't like birds. These scare me. Me, too. Most people don't see it.
26:24What are you reading? Curious George. Oh, I do like monkeys. Curious George is a monkey.
26:31Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
26:40Would you like that? Okay. Sheldon, what are you doing? I'm making friends with this little girl.
26:47What's your name? Rebecca. Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon. Diana, let's go.
26:54We're really hitting it off. Don't look up those cameras. So what do you think?
27:01I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
27:08Normally, I'd feel the same way, but based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate
27:14that we'd be very good together. True. I've had a similar observation.
27:20Certainly something I could never do with my husband. I was hesitant the first time I tried it,
27:28but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
27:38I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuroscientific researcher in me.
27:45You see right through me, don't you? Only when you're in a cat scanner.
27:57Oh, I'm a knight! Oh, I'm a knight! Oh, I'm a knight! Oh, I'm a knight! Oh, I'm a knight!
28:04Hold tight! Hold tight! Baby, hold tight! Baby, hold tight!
28:10For any way you want it, that's the way you need it. Any way you want it.
28:16Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners. Good as new. Really great. Sheldon, look. Good as new.
28:20From that key maker, I highly doubt it. Come on, Sheldon. Just give it a try.
28:28All right. There. Nice and comfy cozy. Zero, zero, zero.
28:37There's one more zero. You forgot the time parameter.
28:43Sit on the damn couch.
29:08Nope.
29:11What do you mean, nope? What's wrong with it?
29:14Nothing. It's what's wrong with him.
29:17It's exactly the same. Penny, Penny. I think I know what to do.
29:23Sheldon, I have some bad news. More?
29:27I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
29:31Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
29:34Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
29:39What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
29:43Golden Dragon.
29:50No.
29:53Oh, this isn't right. Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
29:59Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers.
30:05I keep them in the trunk of my car.
30:08But, oh, this changes everything.
30:14I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
30:18What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
30:22You did make that up, right?
30:24I wish I had.
30:28Leonard? Yeah, buddy?
30:30I still don't like this cushion.
30:32I got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
30:36That's the wrong box. Put it back.
30:38Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
30:40Don't read those letters.
30:42Oh, look, she calls you Moon Pie. That is so cute.
30:45Put down the letters!
30:50Hey, Penny, it's Leonard.
30:52Hey, Leonard, how's the train ride?
30:54Delightful.
30:56Listen, I don't know what you're doing right now,
30:58but there are little bubbles forming in the corner of Sheldon's mouth.
31:01Okay, yeah, I kind of crossed a line. Put him back on.
31:06I'm back.
31:08What up, Moon Pie?
31:10No one calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw.
31:15Hey, Penny, Leonard again.
31:19Okay, I found the box. Now what?
31:21You're holding a Japanese puzzle box,
31:24which takes ten precise moves to open.
31:27First, locate the panel with the diamond pattern
31:30and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left.
31:34Then, on the opposite end of the box,
31:36slide the entire panel down two millimeters.
31:39You'll hear a slight click.
31:41Hang on, Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
31:45No, it's a novelty I ordered off the Internet.
31:47Did you hear the click?
31:49Not yet.
31:54There it is.
31:58Very well.
32:00But if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics,
32:03you're going to have to answer to my mother.
32:11Zoom, zoom, zoom!
32:17Where's the coffee?
32:20We're all out.
32:23No problem.
32:25I'll be back before this banana hits the ground.
32:29Zoom, zoom, zoom!
32:34First, at all times, I'm to be treated as a colleague and an equal.
32:38Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials.
32:41And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
32:47I'm impressed, Raj.
32:49Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
32:52I reject them all.
32:55Then you leave me no choice.
32:57I accept the job.
33:00I'm sorry.
33:01I believe you've misunderstood.
33:03I'm not giving you the job.
33:05I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.
33:10Have a seat.
33:11We'll get started with the interview.
33:13You're kidding!
33:15Please.
33:17All right.
33:21So...
33:26That's what you wear to an interview?
33:29Come on, dude, we've been friends for years.
33:31Oh, pulling strings, are we?
33:35Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
33:38Bazinga!
33:41You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.
33:47I'm your boss now.
33:48You may want to laugh at that.
33:51You're watching football?
33:53There's no fooling you.
33:56Now, what is this SACS statistic they put up there?
34:00All I know about SACS is my mother shops there.
34:06SACS.
34:07SACS.
34:08It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
34:13Huh.
34:17Scrimmage.
34:20The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
34:26Oh.
34:28Sheldon knows football?
34:31Apparently.
34:32I mean, quidditch, sure, but football?
34:38Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
34:40I grew up in Texas.
34:41Football is ubiquitous in Texas.
34:43Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football.
34:47In fact, every form of football except the original, European football.
34:52Most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
34:57Unbelievable.
34:58If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
35:06So you could teach me?
35:09Football or chicken fried meats?
35:13Football.
35:14I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends and I don't want to look like an idiot.
35:17I want to blend in.
35:19You want to blend in with Penny's friends?
35:20I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
35:24Come on, Sheldon, please teach me football.
35:26It'll be fun.
35:27That's exactly what my father said.
35:30Come to the games.
35:31Watch the games.
35:32Week in and week out from the time I was five until I went off to college.
35:36Longest seven years of my life.
35:40Please, I'm asking you as a friend.
35:43Are you making this a tier one friendship request?
35:48Yes.
35:50Fine.
35:52I really appreciate this.
35:53Yeah, yeah.
35:54All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
35:59I'm sorry?
36:00That's how my father always began our football conversations.
36:04If you'd like, after the game, I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
36:18I have a few questions.
36:19First, I noticed that you offer soup and a half sandwich.
36:22Yes.
36:23Where exactly does the half sandwich come from?
36:26Are you giving me half of someone else's sandwich?
36:29Or do I have to wait for someone else in the restaurant to order the other half?
36:32If you don't show them, they just make a half sandwich.
36:34You can't make a half sandwich.
36:36If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich.
36:40Okay, fine.
36:41It's soup and a small sandwich.
36:43Is that what you want?
36:44No, of course not.
36:45I'll have my usual.
36:46You combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
36:56Oh!
36:58Oh!
37:04For me vengeance.
37:05Yes, exactly.
37:07This is brilliant, Sheldon.
37:09How are we going to deploy it in Kripke's office?
37:11Already taken care of.
37:13Observe.
37:15This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install,
37:20thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
37:25At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
37:31Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
37:37You flatter me, sir.
37:39Let me guess, motion sensors?
37:41Yes.
37:42The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
37:45Mwa ha ha.
37:50I gotta say, I am really impressed.
37:53This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
38:02It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
38:08Here comes Kripke.
38:10Who is that with him?
38:12I believe that's the president of the university.
38:14And the board of directors.
38:15Abort! Abort!
38:16There is no abort.
38:17Well, how could you not put in an abort?
38:19I made a boo-boo, all right?
38:21I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
38:25Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
38:35Wow. Looks like the Ganges on Laundry Day.
38:41At least they don't know it was you.
38:43Hello, Kripke.
38:46This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
38:52If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face,
38:55this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
38:59Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali
39:04for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
39:10Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
39:12Please, Sheldon.
39:14I'm a lost Indian boy far from home,
39:16and I want a girlfriend, and I want her to be Abby,
39:19and she'll only come over if she can bring Martha.
39:21Raj, I highly doubt there is any argument you can make,
39:24threat you might levy, rhetorical strategy,
39:27plea, invocation, supplication, or...
39:31vet-omas that you can employ
39:34that would convince me to reconsider.
39:42Oh.
39:51My incredible hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
39:57Oh, my.
40:13I've admired these for years.
40:16Does that mean we can go over the goals again?
40:19Hulk agreed to second date with Beauty Humans!
40:26You can't wear the hands on the date.
40:31Hulk sad.
40:34Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know?
40:38Just the guys.
40:39Oh, God, yes, we get it. You have a girlfriend now.
40:43A little jealous, are we?
40:45No, I'm not jealous.
40:50All right, I'd kill a hobo if he'd get me laid.
40:52Now, can we order?
40:54Oh, dear Lord, they redid the menu.
40:57So what? It's the same food.
40:59Oh, is it? Look at this.
41:01General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under specialties.
41:04It's now under chicken.
41:06So?
41:07Yes, General Tso.
41:11Not so the chicken, so the question.
41:15So?
41:16So, why is it no longer a specialty?
41:19Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself?
41:23And look over here, shrimp in mobster sauce.
41:28What is mobster sauce?
41:31It's obviously a typo.
41:33Perhaps.
41:34Perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organized crime.
41:37Overall, we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
41:42No, no, no, no.
41:43I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
41:47It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
41:49You know what? Let's just get a pizza.
41:51Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.
41:54Sure, no mobsters there.
41:57Backdoor has a five-pin Tumblr system, single-circuit alarm, child's play.
42:01You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
42:06No, I don't think so. We need to go home now.
42:10But I'm still working.
42:12If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
42:16You can try, but you'll never catch me.
42:23For God's sakes!
42:32Just come here!
42:35Bazinga.
42:39Bazinga.
42:42Bazinga.
42:45Bazinga.
42:48Bazinga.
42:53Just come here!
42:56Bazinga.
43:01Bazinga.
43:06Bazinga.
43:11Bazinga.
43:14Bazinga.
43:19Bazinga!
43:24Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
43:28Sheldon says impossible. Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
43:36You are ignoring the square cube law. The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
43:42And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack, hoverboard, transporter, Batmobile, and then giant ant.
43:50Seriously? You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
43:57What's with him?
43:59Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
44:04Are you saying he's manstrating?
44:09Not literally.
44:11But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
44:16Interesting. That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
44:23You know what I'm talking about.
44:27Of course, I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
44:33The Wesley Crushers?
44:35No, not the Wesley Crushers. The Wesley Crushers.
44:38I don't get it.
44:40Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
44:42Wesley Crusher was Willow Eaton's character on Star Trek.
44:46Still don't get it.
44:48It's a blindingly clever play on words.
44:50By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we'll be the Crushers of Wesley.
44:58Okay, I'm sorry, Henry, but the Wesley Crushers sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
45:03No, again, it's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers.
45:07Well, if you want it to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
45:12Do you people even hear yourselves?
45:14It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's not the Wesley Crushers. It's the Wesley Crushers.
45:19Hey, look. They named their team after me.
45:23No, it's not.
45:25Never mind.
45:27Canceled my visa.
45:29Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.
45:31Uh-oh.
45:33What?
45:35I was going to get my mail.
45:37Okay.
45:40Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
45:44I think you mean telekinetically.
45:47And no.
45:49I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
45:54God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
45:57God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
46:01Well, we could if it were true.
46:03But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
46:06A variable which has changed is the coitus.
46:10Okay, here's the protocol. You and I are still friends and you stop saying coitus.
46:15Good. I'm glad we're still friends.
46:18Really?
46:20Oh, yes. It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
46:23I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
46:25Great.
46:27Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
46:32Everyone.
46:34Say hello to your mother for me.
46:36Okay.
46:42What?
46:44You said you were going for a walk.
46:47I didn't say outside.
46:50So what, you're just going to walk up and down the stairs?
46:54No, of course not.
46:57That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
47:00Here, Ruffles. Here, boy.
47:03Which way are you going?
47:05Which way are you going?
47:07I parked my scooter down the block.
47:09I'm going the other way. Bye.
47:11Bye.
47:13Actually, I'm this way.
47:17Do I smell hot dogs?
47:19No. I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
47:22I definitely smell raw hot dogs.
47:25Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
47:28All right. Have a nice walk.
47:30Bye, Shell. Have a nice scoot.
47:35You might want to stand back. I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
47:39Oh, hello, doggie.
47:41Nice doggie.
47:44I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
47:48Look, a cat.
47:55Penny.
47:57Penny.
47:59Penny.
48:01Penny.
48:03Penny.
48:05Penny.
48:07Penny.
48:09Penny.
48:16Penny.
48:19Here.
48:22I had to trade the others for my life.
48:25I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
48:29The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
48:31Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.
48:37We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe.
48:45And now, she's under consideration for a position at our university.
48:48Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers.
48:53I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of.
48:57But very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon? I've been to Toronto.
49:01Okay, fine. Where is she going to sleep?
49:04My room, of course.
49:06Holy crap!
49:09Holy crap!
49:12I have a two-part question.
49:15Go ahead.
49:17A. Are you kidding me? And B. Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
49:21A. I rarely kid. And B. When I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word bazinga.
49:27So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
49:32Yes. Bazinga.
49:38Yes?
49:40I'm Leonard Hofstetter. I called you about the apartment. You said to come by...
49:43I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
49:48What is the sixth noble gas?
49:51What?
49:53You said you're a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
49:56Radon?
49:58Are you asking me or telling me?
50:01Telling you.
50:05Telling you.
50:07All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?
50:11Oh, that's tricky. Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
50:19Correct.
50:21You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
50:24You may enter.
50:27Oh, this is pretty nice.
50:36The bedrooms are back there?
50:38That depends.
50:40I don't understand. Their existence is conditional?
50:43No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
50:49There's three?
50:51Each more daunting than the last.
50:53Have a seat.
50:54Okay.
50:56No, that's where I sit.
50:59Explain the couch.
51:01There were some people on the first floor moving out and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
51:06But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
51:09They're lawn chairs.
51:12And there was no place for company.
51:14Did it occur to you that was by design?
51:17According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
51:22But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
51:26I did notify you.
51:28Oh, you did, did you?
51:45Drat.
51:48Hoisted by my own space.
51:50Hoisted by my own spam filter.
51:54What am I doing in your spam folder?
51:56I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled This is Funny.
52:00When I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
52:04The standard I told you so?
52:06With a classic neener-neener?
52:08Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
52:13You don't know we're wrong yet.
52:15Haughty derision it is.
52:17Excuse me, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
52:21Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
52:23I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
52:30Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
52:34If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
52:38If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
52:41In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
52:45Interesting.
52:47My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
52:50I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
52:56Then you might want to avoid East Texas.
52:59Noted.
53:01Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
53:06That all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.
53:12May I buy you a beverage?
53:16Tepid water, please.
53:26Good God, what have we done?
53:36You