The Lucy Show-S5E4: Lucy And Paul Winchell
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy arranges for ventriloquist Paul Winchell to entertain at the annual banker's banquet, but gets in hot water when she leaves his dummies in the taxi cab outside the banquet hall.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
30min | Comedy | TV Series (1962–1968)
Lucy arranges for ventriloquist Paul Winchell to entertain at the annual banker's banquet, but gets in hot water when she leaves his dummies in the taxi cab outside the banquet hall.
Creators: Bob Carroll Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller
Stars: Lucille Ball, Gale Gordon, Vivian Vance
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Starring Lucille Ball, co-starring Gail Gordon.
00:23Brought to you by...
00:30Yeah, Marge?
00:33Lucy, a Mr. Winchell is on his way in.
00:40A Mr. Winchell? Okay, thank you.
00:45Come in.
00:47Good morning, I'm Paul Winchell.
00:53I'm so happy to meet you.
00:57It's so nice of you to drop in. I'm Lucy Carmichael.
01:00Oh, how do you do? I was told outside that someone here could help me.
01:03Oh, well, it would be a thrill helping a famous person like you, Mr. Winchell.
01:07I always read your column.
01:11No, that's Walter Winchell. I'm Paul Winchell.
01:15Oh, of course. But I knew you were famous. You were a ventriloquist.
01:20Yes, that's right.
01:21I don't know how I could get so confused when you're really one of my favorite entertainers.
01:26I just think you're so wonderful and so funny.
01:28I just get hysterical watching you and Charlie McCarthy.
01:33No, that's Edgar Bergen.
01:36Oh, of course. You work with Charlie Mahoney.
01:40No, Jerry Mahoney.
01:41Yes, Jerry, that's it. Oh, you know, another thing I love about you.
01:45I think you better quit while you're ahead.
01:48Maybe you're right.
01:50Won't you sit down? What can I do for you, Mr. Winchell?
01:52Oh, thank you. Well, I'm thinking about opening up a savings account here.
01:56And they told me that a Mr. Mooney could help explain the bank's interest rates to me.
02:00Oh, well, yes, he could, but he doesn't happen to be here right now.
02:03I'd be glad to explain our interest rates to you.
02:06Oh, fine. Thank you.
02:08Now then, on savings accounts, our bank pays 5% annually.
02:155%?
02:16Whatever.
02:17If the money remains on deposit for over six months, we compound the interest on a quarterly basis.
02:23And this brings the interest to 5.38%.
02:27Oh, I see.
02:28Yes, unless the deposit is made after the 10th of the month.
02:33Now, in this case, the interest is 5.16%.
02:37Oh, well, then another way...
02:38That is if we deposit more than $1,000 under our bonus plan.
02:43And it remains in the bank for one year, yet less than 18 months.
02:48Then the interest is compounded daily.
02:51Daily?
02:52Yes, and it amounts to 5.75%.
02:55Oh, well, then another...
02:56Unless...
02:57Oh, when is your birthday?
02:59Uh, December 21st.
03:01You're a Sagittarian.
03:02Yes, that's right.
03:03Well, you're a Sagittarian, and you are eligible for our birthday club.
03:09Now, our birthday accounts allow deposits of $5,000.
03:14And the interest is compounded every half hour.
03:20And amounts to 5.89%.
03:245.89%?
03:27Yes, sir, providing that you return the set of dishes that we give you when you open your account.
03:34Unless you prefer the electric frying pan or the hairdryer.
03:39Or you can have an automatic toaster, which is guaranteed for five years,
03:44or 50,000 slices of bread, whichever comes first.
03:51Would you like me to go over that again?
03:53No, once is enough.
03:55Well, I certainly appreciate you explaining everything to me.
03:58Yeah, you're lucky that I was the one who took care of you,
04:00because I'm one of the few people in the bank that knows about the interest rates.
04:03Oh, I can believe that.
04:05Well, I think I will open my account here, and thank you very much for your help.
04:09Well, thank you.
04:11And, Mr. Winchu, if there's ever anything else I can help you with, don't hesitate to call on me.
04:15Oh, well, thank you.
04:16And if I can ever help you, you just call on me.
04:18Well, thank you very much.
04:19That's nice.
04:20I hope to see you again soon.
04:22Goodbye.
04:23Bye-bye.
04:25Mr. Mooney's office.
04:27Oh, hi, Mary Jane.
04:29What?
04:30Oh, well, thank you, dear, but I can't make it Friday night.
04:33No, the bank is having its annual employees' dinner and show, remember?
04:37Yeah, Mr. Mooney's out right now trying to line up all kinds of celebrities to entertain at the dinner.
04:43Yeah, it's going to be a blast.
04:46Yeah, well, thanks for calling anyway, dear.
04:49Bye-bye.
04:55Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.
04:57How'd you make out?
04:58I didn't.
04:59You mean you didn't get anyone to entertain at the dinner?
05:02No one.
05:04Oh, I thought it was such a good idea, you calling on the celebrities in person.
05:09Well, they all turned me down.
05:11They had good reasons, but they turned me down.
05:13What good reasons?
05:15Well, Bob Hope is doing a show for the Girl Scouts in Pismo Beach.
05:22Jack Benny is on a tour of Fort Knox.
05:26And Dean Martin just had an operation.
05:29An operation?
05:30Yes, he had a brass rail removed that was pressing on the bottom of his foot.
05:36Oh, I just don't know who I'm going to get.
05:39Oh, gee, aren't there any other movie actors you could call?
05:42Yes, yes, but they're all too busy running for public office.
05:46Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael, don't you know someone who can help us out?
05:50Well, now, let's see, let's see.
05:52We've already gone through our list of clients.
05:54Yes.
05:55Oh, dear.
05:57Oh, of course.
05:59Why didn't I think of him before?
06:01Who, who?
06:03Oh, you know how a thing can be right under your nose and you don't see it?
06:06You don't see what?
06:07You know how a name can be right on the tip of your tongue and you forget it?
06:10What name?
06:11You know how sometimes you can't see the forest or the trees?
06:13What trees?
06:14Sometimes you just...
06:15Oh, will you stop babbling and tell me who it is?
06:18It's the world's greatest ventriloquist, Paul Winchell.
06:22Oh, he's wonderful.
06:24Yes, he is.
06:25But how can I get him?
06:26I haven't even met him.
06:27Well, I have.
06:28He was in the bank a little while ago, and I helped him open an account,
06:31and he told me that he appreciated it very much,
06:33and if he could ever do me a favor, that I should call on him.
06:36So I'll go right over and call on him tonight after work.
06:39Mrs. Carmichael, if you can get him,
06:41I will see to it that you get a $50 raise.
06:45Oh, Mr. Money, $50.
06:48Per year.
06:50Per year?
06:52That isn't even a dollar a week.
06:55That isn't even a dollar a week.
07:07Hello?
07:08Oh, hi, Gary.
07:10A golf game?
07:12No, I can't. I'm rehearsing right now.
07:14Oh, yeah, shh.
07:16Well, it's business, you know.
07:18How about next week?
07:19Great.
07:20Okay, thanks. Goodbye.
07:22You let me do needy rehearsal.
07:23I saw your lips moving.
07:25Oh, you funny little snail.
07:27I tell you, Snitchy, lately you're just absolutely incorrigible.
07:30How dare you say that I'm incorr...
07:33That I'm incor...
07:36How come you can say it and I can't?
07:39Because you're not as bright as I am.
07:41Now, you just sit right down here for a moment.
07:44Hello, darling.
07:46Well, hello, Tessie.
07:48Listen, I'd like to talk with you.
07:51Oh, it's about time.
07:52You've been ignoring me all day.
07:54Well, I'm terribly sorry.
07:56Well, what do you want to say?
07:58Well, I hear that you and your boyfriend went to a drive-in movie last night.
08:01Oh, yes, we did.
08:03We had such a wonderful time.
08:05Oh, it was so exciting.
08:07Those terrific love scenes.
08:09Really?
08:10Yes.
08:11Tonight we're going to go back and see the movie.
08:15Oh, my boyfriend is so romantical.
08:18No.
08:19Yes.
08:20I tell him yes, he tells me no.
08:23Ah, you like the boys, I gather.
08:25No, I like the ones I gather.
08:29Come in.
08:33Oh, hello.
08:34Oh, Mr. Winchell, I'm sorry.
08:36If I'd known your girlfriend was here, I...
08:38I'm not his girlfriend.
08:40Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Winchell.
08:43I'm not Mrs. Winchell.
08:45I'm sorry.
08:46Oh, I'm sorry.
08:47You're sorry?
08:50Well, I didn't mean to intrude.
08:51I'll come back later.
08:52No, no, wait a minute.
08:53You're not intruding.
08:54This is just one of my...
08:55Watch it, Buster.
08:58Oh, Mr. Winchell, you fooled me completely.
09:02Oh, thank you, Lucy.
09:04You remembered my name.
09:05Oh, well, it's hard to forget a girl with such beautiful, natural red hair.
09:09Natural?
09:13That's not very nice.
09:14Lucy, will you sit down?
09:15Natural?
09:16It probably comes out of a peroxide bottle.
09:20Well, it certainly is nice to see you, Lucy.
09:22Well, thank you.
09:23I just thought I'd drop by and bring you one of the bank's calendars.
09:26Oh, thank you.
09:28Maybe ask you a teensy-weensy little favor.
09:31A favor?
09:32Yes, you see, the bank is having a dinner at the Beverly Ritz Hotel Friday night,
09:36and we need someone wonderful like you to entertain.
09:40Oh, well, thank you for thinking of me.
09:42What do they intend paying?
09:47Paying?
09:49Oh, well, it's sort of a benefit.
09:52A benefit for a bank?
09:55Yeah, well, to be honest, it's kind of a benefit for me.
09:59Yeah, my boss promised to give me a raise if I got you to come and entertain me.
10:04Oh, how much of a raise?
10:06A dollar.
10:09A whole dollar.
10:11Boy, he must be one of the last of the big spenders.
10:14Yeah, at the bank we call him Diamond Jim Mooney.
10:19Well, okay, I'll entertain at the dinner, but I won't do it for Mooney.
10:22I'll do it for you.
10:23Oh, thank you. You're so wonderful.
10:25You don't know what this means to me, getting a wonderful ventriloquist like you to entertain.
10:29You know, I've always been fascinated by ventriloquism.
10:33Have you really?
10:34Yes, I have.
10:35Well, you know, it can be a very, very interesting hobby, especially for a woman.
10:39Why?
10:40She can always be sure of having the last word.
10:42Oh, I never thought of that.
10:44Well, Lucy, we ventriloquists do have an advantage.
10:47We can talk to our little wooden friends and say anything we want about anybody.
10:51And it's a great way to let off some steam.
10:53Oh, boy, I could use one of your little wooden friends around the office.
10:57Be if I got a boss.
10:59I like to tell him a thing or two.
11:02Are they very expensive? Where can I buy one?
11:05Oh, you don't have to buy one. I'll lend you one of mine.
11:08Would you?
11:09Why, of course.
11:10Oh, that's wonderful.
11:11Go ahead, take your pick. Which one would you like?
11:13Take my pick.
11:14Any one you want.
11:15Oh, for heavens. Oh, look at them.
11:19Oh, he's cute.
11:23Oh, thanks a lot, honey.
11:28What are you saying, thanks a lot, honey?
11:30She's talking to me.
11:34Come here, you gorgeous hunk of stuff.
11:38Your hand. I kiss your hand, madame.
11:42Mmm.
11:44Oh, cut it out, Casanova. I'm the head guy.
11:47Yeah, what a head.
11:49I've seen a better head on a glass of beer.
11:51Oh, I guess you think you're kind of cute with that cockamamie kisser.
11:56Oh, look who's talking.
11:58Is that your face or are you ad-libbing till Halloween?
12:02Oh, so you want to get tough, do you?
12:05All righty. There.
12:08Ooh.
12:12Oh, would you like to have an egg shampoo?
12:14Here you are, kiddo.
12:18Why, you, you. Okay, here's one for you, kid.
12:23Oh, you want to start in, eh? Here's my calling card.
12:25Now, wait a minute.
12:26Yeah, here's one for you.
12:27Now, wait a minute, pal. Wait a minute.
12:28Will you wait? Will you both wait?
12:29Will you wait one moment, please?
12:31Don't you see I have company?
12:33Yeah, and what company?
12:37Yes, he's got a friend for you.
12:49Huh? Yeah?
13:08Mmm.
13:14Hey, listen, Lynch, you'd better do something quick.
13:17I think she just entered the twilight zone.
13:21Lucy?
13:23Lucy?
13:24Lucy?
13:25Yeah?
13:27What?
13:28Welcome back.
13:29Oh, Paul.
13:32Oh, Paul.
13:34You were doing that.
13:36I could have sworn they were alive.
13:38Well, I don't blame you, Lucy.
13:40Sometimes, even I forget that they're nothing but a couple of brainless dummies.
13:44Who are you calling brainless?
13:53Get out of it!
13:54Wait!
13:56Wait!
14:06Uh, gentlemen, in answer to your letter of the 14th,
14:09we are willing to extend the loan provided all conditions pertinent.
14:16Mooney speaking.
14:17Mr. Cheever, sir.
14:20Yes, I was the one who got Mr. Winchell to entertain at our dinner, sir.
14:25Well, thank you, sir.
14:27Well, if you're happy, sir, I'm happy too, sir.
14:30A bonus?
14:32Well, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
14:34Of course, sir, I can come to your office right away, sir.
14:37Yes, sir, immediately, sir.
14:40Yes, sir.
14:41Oh, I'll be back in a few minutes, sir.
14:44I mean, Mrs. Carmichael.
14:56Did you hear that?
14:59How do you like old fatso taking all the credit?
15:05Oh, now, that's not nice.
15:07It's not nice, but it's true.
15:09What does a fat brat think?
15:12Oh, Mr. Mooney isn't fat.
15:14He's just a little flabby.
15:16Just a little flabby?
15:18He looks like he cornered the flab market.
15:32Mr. Mooney's office.
15:33I have a person-to-person call for Lucy Carmichael.
15:36Lucy Carmichael speaking.
15:37Go ahead, Las Vegas.
15:39Hello, Lucy?
15:40Yes?
15:41This is Paul Winchell.
15:42Mr. Winchell, what are you doing in Las Vegas?
15:44Don't tell me you can't appear at our dinner.
15:46Old fatso will fire me. He'll kill me.
15:48Now, calm down, Lucy. I'll be at the dinner.
15:51But the dinner is tonight.
15:52Well, I'll be back tonight. That's why I'm calling you.
15:54Oh.
15:55You see, my plane doesn't arrive in Los Angeles until 9 o'clock,
15:57so you're gonna have to do me a favor.
15:589 o'clock?
15:59Yeah.
16:00Oh, all right, anything, anything at all. What?
16:01Okay, now you go to my apartment, get the keys from the manager,
16:04pick up the dummies and bring them over to the dinner,
16:06and I'll meet you there.
16:07Oh, go to your apartment, get the keys from the manager, pick up...
16:09Okay, don't worry, I'll have them there.
16:11Anything else?
16:12No, that's all. I'll see you tonight.
16:13All right, Paul?
16:14Yes?
16:15I'll meet you at the back entrance of the Beverly Ritz Hotel.
16:17Very good.
16:18Okay, 9 o'clock.
16:19Right.
16:20Bye.
16:21Goodbye.
16:27Oh, for heaven's sake.
16:29What's the matter?
16:30I forgot to turn off this tape recorder when I left the office.
16:33Oh.
16:44Now, let's see, where was I?
16:53Oh, yes, that's right.
16:54I don't understand that.
17:00What are you doing?
17:01Well, I'm going to change your tape.
17:03Why?
17:04Well, you don't want to use an old tape.
17:06Why not?
17:07Well, you know the proverb.
17:09What proverb?
17:10It's a famous saying,
17:12if a tape you use and use,
17:14someday you will blow a fuse.
17:18Miss Carmichael, I think you have blown your fuse.
17:22Throw me hands off that, get away, get away.
17:23Go, go, go.
17:24Yes, sir.
17:25Let me see now, let me see.
17:26How do you like old fatso taking all the credit?
17:30Oh, now that's not nice.
17:32It's not nice, but it's true.
17:34He got fat for I's sake.
17:37He isn't fat, he's just a little flabby.
17:40A little flabby?
17:41He looks like he cornered the flab market.
17:49So I cornered the flab market, did I?
17:53Who was that?
17:55Oh, please, please, Mr. Marine,
17:56now don't make me become a stool pigeon.
17:58You'll either be a stool pigeon or a dead duck.
18:01Who was it, who was it, who was it?
18:03Well, now wait a minute,
18:04I don't want to mention any names.
18:06I'll just say that the person who insulted you
18:09was just a brainless, wooden-headed dummy.
18:16All right, Mrs. Carmichael.
18:19Fortunately for you, you defended me.
18:23Oh, you know me, little loyal Lucy.
18:28Mr. Winchell?
18:29Yes?
18:30Oh, on behalf of the bankers,
18:31I want to thank you, sir, for coming here.
18:33I'm Theodore J. Mooney.
18:35Oh, Diamond Jim.
18:39I beg your pardon?
18:40Never mind.
18:41Where's Mrs. Carmichael?
18:42Well, I don't know,
18:43but it's getting rather late.
18:44Can we start the show?
18:45Well, not until Mrs. Carmichael shows up.
18:47Why not?
18:48Well, she's bringing over my little friends.
18:50Your little friends?
18:52My dummies.
18:53Oh, Mr. Winchell,
18:54I don't know what you're talking about.
18:56My little friends?
18:57My dummies.
18:58Oh, oh, I see.
19:01Hi.
19:02Hello, hi, Lucy.
19:03Did you have fun in Vegas?
19:04Oh, yeah, great.
19:05I'm sorry, I'm a little late,
19:06but there was an awful lot of heavy traffic.
19:07Hello, Mr. Mooney.
19:08Hello.
19:09Lucy?
19:10Yeah?
19:11Where are the dummies?
19:12What?
19:13Where are the dummies?
19:14Oh, they're right...
19:15Oh, no.
19:16Oh, no.
19:17Oh, well, didn't you pick them up?
19:19Yeah, yeah, I picked them up.
19:20I brought them over here in a cab.
19:22Well, then where are they?
19:23Well, they look so human.
19:25When I got out of the cab,
19:26I thought they were going to follow me.
19:27Follow you?
19:28Yeah.
19:29Without the dummies?
19:31Maybe the cab is still there.
19:32But Lucy,
19:33boy, what a spot to put me into.
19:35How could you do a thing like that?
19:37It's your own fault.
19:38You shouldn't have trusted your dummies with my dummies.
19:43The cab is gone.
19:44Oh, so are you.
19:47Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Cheever,
19:49and the other members of the bank board
19:51are sitting out there waiting for a show to begin.
19:54And unless a show begins,
19:56you are finished, dismissed,
19:58through, kaput,
20:00canned, hired,
20:01and set!
20:04Mr. Rooney...
20:05What?
20:06Does that mean I don't get my dollar?
20:07I sure don't!
20:13What are we going to do?
20:14Well, I don't know.
20:15I can't go on without the dummies.
20:16Oh, now, wait a minute, Mr. Richard.
20:17Please don't leave.
20:18Well, what'll I do, Lucy?
20:19Well, maybe you could do a few magic tricks.
20:21No, I can't do any magic tricks.
20:22Well, can you sing?
20:23No, I can't sing.
20:24Oh, could you juggle?
20:25I can't do anything without the dummies.
20:26Please, please.
20:27Lucy, what'll I do?
20:28Maybe you could dance a little or something.
20:30I can't even dance, Lucy.
20:31Dance a little, couple of steps.
20:32No!
20:35And now, ladies and gentlemen,
20:36Mr. Paul Winchell.
20:50Take a bow, Lucy.
20:54Take another bow.
20:55A nice big bow, Tessie.
20:56Take a bow.
20:57Very, very good.
21:05Now, Tessie, I want to tell you
21:07that all of the people in this large and wonderful audience
21:09are very pleased to meet you.
21:12Oh, likewise, I'm sure.
21:17Tessie.
21:18What?
21:20Is that perfume I smell?
21:23It is, and you do.
21:27Don't talk.
21:29Well, it's a wonderful perfume.
21:31Oh, it costs $50 an ounce,
21:34and it's called...
21:37Perhaps.
21:40Perhaps?
21:42For $50, it should be positively.
21:47Oh, that's a good one.
21:49Well, I...
21:50I'm sure that it'd make a fine impression
21:53on your boyfriend.
21:54We're not seeing each other anymore.
21:57No.
21:59I tell him yes, he tells me no.
22:03Well, what happened between you and your boyfriend?
22:05Oh, he's so insulting.
22:07Last night, he told me to fix the wrinkles in my stockings.
22:11Well, what's wrong with that?
22:13I wasn't wearing stockings.
22:16Well, uh, Tess, no.
22:18Again, he says no when I say yes.
22:22Well, I'm sorry that you broke up with your boyfriend.
22:24Oh, it's just as well.
22:26We didn't get along lately.
22:28Well, why not?
22:29Well, he had water on his knee,
22:31and every time I sat on his lap, I floated away.
22:37Do you have water on your knee, too?
22:40Oh, Tessie, let's not discuss our personal affairs.
22:43We're here to entertain this wonderful group of people.
22:45You know, they're all in the banking business.
22:47Oh, that's wonderful.
22:49I can sing a medley of banker songs.
22:52You mean you know special songs for bankers?
22:54Sure.
22:56Your dime is my dime.
23:03You'd better not sing that type of song.
23:05So what'll we do?
23:07Well, I don't know.
23:08What does this audience want?
23:13What does the audience want?
23:16Should we be jokey?
23:18Or would be hokey?
23:20Should you act girlish?
23:21Or Milton Berlish?
23:23What does the audience want?
23:26Tell us!
23:27What did these bankers all want?
23:29Should we be loony?
23:31Like Mr. Loony?
23:33She's got a hanker.
23:35To kid that banker.
23:36Oh, tell me, what did these bankers...
23:38I know!
23:39What?
23:40Would you like to drink some tea?
23:42Simultaneously.
23:43While my partner sings.
23:45Sing!
23:46The attitude of Mr. Towne
23:47Gets you right up on me.
23:49Stop it!
23:58The bankers all want.
24:00Shall we talk money?
24:02Or just be funny?
24:03I tell you.
24:04We're here to please you
24:05With things that we do.
24:07We'll never teach you.
24:10What does this lovely audience want?
24:14What does this lovely audience want?
24:17What does this lovely audience want?
24:39What does this lovely audience want?
24:42What does this lovely audience want?
24:45What does this lovely audience want?
24:48What does this lovely audience want?
24:51What does this lovely audience want?
24:54What does this lovely audience want?
24:57What does this lovely audience want?
25:00What does this lovely audience want?
25:03What does this lovely audience want?
25:06THE END