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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
00:01:00CastingWords
00:01:02CastingWords
00:01:04CastingWords
00:01:06CastingWords
00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.
00:01:10Not on this street we don't.
00:01:12Everybody's at it.
00:01:14Not with me they're not.
00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.
00:01:18Not this one.
00:01:20I'm the silent majority.
00:01:22It's only manners these days.
00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.
00:01:26God is Lord.
00:01:29Jesus.
00:01:31Jesus.
00:01:32We've never seen him in real life though.
00:01:58Oh, he's picturing the papers.
00:02:01Oh, come on, Sandra, let's go.
00:02:03No, I don't want to. I want to wait.
00:02:04Oh, he'll be standing out here. It's stupid.
00:02:06But he might come in a minute.
00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.
00:02:10But that was yesterday. He might be here today.
00:02:12Oh, and he'll really dance standing here.
00:02:14Come on. Come on. You're supposed to be going shopping.
00:02:16Oh, wait. Please, let's go.
00:02:22Oh, no.
00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?
00:02:25I feel a right twit now.
00:02:26I don't fancy yours.
00:02:30Which is mine?
00:02:32Any except the blonde.
00:02:34Oh, good.
00:02:36Who are being stared at?
00:02:38Where?
00:02:41Don't fancy yours.
00:02:45Which is mine?
00:02:47Any.
00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.
00:02:52Thanks.
00:02:54Neither do I.
00:02:54Fancy the one with the twitch.
00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad, with all due respect.
00:03:04To his granddad.
00:03:06Ask him if they do a turn.
00:03:08You.
00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.
00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.
00:03:14Ignore them.
00:03:14Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:15Hi.
00:03:24Hi.
00:03:26Hi.
00:03:27Hi.
00:03:30Hi.
00:03:33Peace, ma'am.
00:03:34Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?
00:03:37He's in Majorca.
00:03:39Come on, then.
00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.
00:03:42It's a discotheque in Albert Square.
00:03:52Come on.
00:03:53I thought we were going for tights.
00:03:58It's our lunch hour.
00:04:01It's ours.
00:04:02We were going for lunch.
00:04:08Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Majorca?
00:04:11It's one place I've never been.
00:04:15Pardon?
00:04:17I'm, er, Geoffrey.
00:04:20I don't happen to be attached.
00:04:22I'm Beryl.
00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.
00:04:25Don't you worry, love and rainy weather may sound funny.
00:04:49But they go together fine every single time.
00:04:59Love and rainy weather.
00:05:00Love and rainy weather.
00:05:01First you're up there on another plane and then you're nowhere.
00:05:08And the tears are raining down.
00:05:14It's a run around.
00:05:19Love and rainy weather.
00:05:24Sure can get you down.
00:05:27Not going twisting tonight, then?
00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?
00:05:40For what?
00:05:41Cutting a rug.
00:05:44Pardon?
00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.
00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.
00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.
00:05:50Right?
00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.
00:05:53Right.
00:05:53Right on.
00:05:56You're staying in tonight, then?
00:05:57Tonight.
00:05:58Tomorrow night.
00:05:59Every night.
00:06:02They might sell me overcoat.
00:06:03Life's not all pleasure, you know.
00:06:06Really.
00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.
00:06:09Hassle.
00:06:11It's a different world today, Mildred.
00:06:13We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.
00:06:18They do their old things.
00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.
00:06:22Yes, please.
00:06:23Now, that's the new world that we work for, and fought for.
00:06:29Full-page advert for contraception.
00:06:31It's his birthright.
00:06:35I'm not hungry.
00:06:37What's that supposed to mean?
00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.
00:06:42I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.
00:07:01I find it fantastically enjoyable.
00:07:05No, really.
00:07:07I really do.
00:07:09Some people don't.
00:07:12I do.
00:07:13Beryl, please take my word for it.
00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.
00:07:20Paul McCartney who?
00:07:21He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.
00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.
00:07:26I sacrifice too much for your 6-0 levels.
00:07:295.
00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.
00:07:34I never touched you.
00:07:35Terrific self-control.
00:07:37What did you say your name was?
00:08:02Mind you, just a weekend I do with you, Paul.
00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.
00:08:08A disgusting one.
00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.
00:08:24Have you always been insatiable?
00:08:28It's not my fault.
00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.
00:08:35It's psychosomatic.
00:08:40I'm sorry.
00:08:41It's just that I don't like it.
00:08:46Ah.
00:09:03Oh, Sandra.
00:09:04there's almost blonde in this light what's wrong just being brave what about ending it all
00:09:18before we hurt each other too much it's our first date
00:09:24probably wasted your entire evening haven't i not yet not if your parents aren't
00:09:34back till midnight don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing straight from Stanley
00:09:42Matthews to Bridgette Bardot you went overnight that was when you were too young for this sort
00:09:48of thing it's artistic mother like your Tutankhamen butter dish
00:09:53what got it got what you now ask if I never want to see you again I say I do you then
00:10:11stop crying quick as a flash and say something like how about Sunday half seven outside central
00:10:17library no I don't tomorrow half seven outside central library then when I say okay does your
00:10:24zip miraculously undo it does not thought it did not till you've unfastened the press stud
00:10:33I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning you wouldn't need to book for the
00:10:40Christmas pantomime I don't intend to marry her mother in case it interferes with my career
00:10:45we're just good friends good night
00:10:49miss bardo marry me you know what they say once you've had a manchester lad you never
00:11:13touch anything else
00:11:16I
00:11:34Do you have a good time last night?
00:11:37Great.
00:11:38Did you?
00:11:39Satisfied.
00:11:40I stayed in for a change.
00:11:44Did you get much?
00:11:47Did you?
00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?
00:11:55Not that I have done.
00:11:57I stayed in for a change instead.
00:12:04Ticket. I ain't got my ticket.
00:12:20We're late already.
00:12:22See you behind the goal then.
00:12:34Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.
00:12:44Snooty old bag.
00:12:50Trendy.
00:12:51Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.
00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.
00:12:57Still, who else would have him?
00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.
00:13:03Rumour has it.
00:13:11Different girl every night.
00:13:13You can tell the type.
00:13:15Probably an omen seeing her before the match.
00:13:18Bet we lose. 3-1.
00:13:21Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:13:24At least I've got me proud.
00:13:26Oh, hello.
00:13:28Oh, hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Didn't see you.
00:13:31No, Normie.
00:13:34Are you going that way?
00:13:35Yeah.
00:13:36Not especially, no.
00:13:38You going that?
00:13:40Yeah.
00:13:41Well...
00:13:42No.
00:13:43I was...
00:13:44I was sort of...
00:13:45Going to the football match?
00:13:46Are you?
00:13:47Shopping.
00:13:54I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.
00:13:55I am.
00:13:56Which?
00:13:57Which are you?
00:13:58Any.
00:13:59I am.
00:14:07See you then.
00:14:08Tonight?
00:14:09Pardon?
00:14:10Oh, I...
00:14:11All right then.
00:14:12Right.
00:14:13Super socks.
00:14:24Did you see that?
00:14:26They're all on drugs.
00:14:27A lot of them.
00:14:28Coffin's...
00:14:46This score.
00:14:48Loes in...
00:14:503-1.
00:14:51Excuse me, I...
00:15:21I only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.
00:15:25Ah.
00:15:29Hi.
00:15:31Hello, mate.
00:15:33Peace, ma'am. Surprise, surprise.
00:15:35Surprise.
00:15:37Anywhere controversial? Pictures.
00:15:39The boyfriend. She's slim.
00:15:41I'm just going to the... Oh, I'll come with you.
00:15:45Are you and Beryl, um, you know...
00:15:49Oh.
00:15:51Here.
00:15:53Oh.
00:16:03What do you, uh...
00:16:05What do you sort of reckon?
00:16:07She's a...
00:16:09Fair sort of bird.
00:16:11Sort of.
00:16:13All right.
00:16:15Nothing sensational, obviously.
00:16:17Geoffrey.
00:16:19She's a bird.
00:16:21You having a coffee with us?
00:16:25No, thanks, kid. Neville's ravenous.
00:16:27You've just eaten.
00:16:29Oh, of course, yeah. Sorry.
00:16:33You see, what I thought Ken was always trying to do...
00:16:39By implication?
00:16:41Probably by implication.
00:16:43Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgment.
00:16:47You see?
00:16:49Yes.
00:16:51Was he the errand boy?
00:16:53Was who the errand boy?
00:16:54Ken Thingy.
00:16:55He directed it.
00:16:57Oh, yes.
00:16:59I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.
00:17:02Probably.
00:17:08You're not like other boys at all, are you?
00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.
00:17:14It's over 200 yards from the cinema.
00:17:16And you talk to me the whole way, like a person.
00:17:22Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.
00:17:25Sex?
00:17:26Marriage.
00:17:28Pardon?
00:17:29The number of boys that asked me to marry them.
00:17:32A couple of dates and pal they want to get married.
00:17:35I want to live a bit before I get married.
00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.
00:17:41Getting married?
00:17:42Hmm.
00:17:44No.
00:17:47Actually, I find girls, or most girls, that is, a bit obsessed these days.
00:17:55Not marriage.
00:17:57No.
00:17:58Sex.
00:18:00Percy Filth?
00:18:03Sex.
00:18:04That's what I said.
00:18:06Oh.
00:18:08Well, I'm not like that.
00:18:10Not Percy Filth motivated?
00:18:12No.
00:18:14No.
00:18:16Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?
00:18:29Ken Russell?
00:18:30Yeah.
00:18:31No.
00:18:32No.
00:18:47No.
00:18:48I won't come in, with it being our first date. No.
00:18:54Oh. Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.
00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, Val? Yes, Geoffrey.
00:19:03Oh.
00:19:13Nice house. Thank you.
00:19:15Twenty-five-year mortgage.
00:19:22Well, thanks for seeing me home.
00:19:27Funny, isn't it? First date with someone.
00:19:30It always leads to one of three things.
00:19:34Either nothing...
00:19:36or something...
00:19:40or everything.
00:19:42Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.
00:19:45You're not.
00:19:47No, I'm not.
00:19:51Night-night. God bless.
00:19:53I won't give you my phone number in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.
00:20:08What is it?
00:20:09Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:11The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,
00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.
00:20:18Um...
00:20:19But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.
00:20:21No.
00:20:22But you can if you do.
00:20:23Do you want me to?
00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.
00:20:26Three, two, seven, double, four, two, one.
00:20:29Good night.
00:20:54Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
00:20:55Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.
00:20:56Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.
00:21:09Can't be Mother's Day.
00:21:12You'd have forgotten.
00:21:14Has there been any clips?
00:21:16Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.
00:21:20What do you think of Andy Warhol?
00:21:23You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...
00:21:26Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.
00:21:30These things.
00:21:32Everything.
00:21:33Who's Geoffrey?
00:21:34He's fantastically intelligent.
00:21:36See, Geoffrey's idea...
00:21:38Beryl, who's Geoffrey?
00:21:40Oh, no one.
00:21:47No one's special.
00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.
00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night then?
00:22:00What Beryl Bird?
00:22:02I told him.
00:22:03Did she, er...
00:22:04Did she, er...
00:22:05What?
00:22:06Wow!
00:22:07She doesn't then.
00:22:08You don't listen, do you?
00:22:09I said...
00:22:10How about Sandra?
00:22:11Chips.
00:22:12Chips.
00:22:13Chips.
00:22:14Chips.
00:22:15Chips.
00:22:16Sod.
00:22:17I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:18I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:42I've rather better things to do, thank you.
00:22:55Said he was no one special.
00:22:58Have they got a phone here?
00:23:01Why?
00:23:03They haven't, have they?
00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?
00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?
00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?
00:23:12Are you?
00:23:15We'll split after this game.
00:23:16Anything you say.
00:23:17We can go for a few of the King's Ed.
00:23:19Great.
00:23:21And that ends our probe.
00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.
00:23:25Hallelujah.
00:23:26Pardon?
00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone, but whatever it is, you're being done.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:32Good night.
00:23:37Good night.
00:23:44Good night.
00:23:47Good morning.
00:23:48Good morning.
00:23:49Good morning, good morning.
00:24:10Cholton for Pope. Long may you reign. Amen.
00:24:15What's going on? Pound's up again.
00:24:18Oh, God. Today's special. Bloody travellers, Jax.
00:24:23Here. Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.
00:24:26Except those. Enjoy yourself while you're young.
00:24:30Why do we always do that? Ninety-three times a day? We never see anything.
00:24:51Anyone more, just as the sun was rising, I heard the maiden sing you in the valley low.
00:25:01My timing not disturbing your singing, I hope. See Geoffrey on Sunday.
00:25:06Oh, Geoffrey!
00:25:07Oh, Geoffrey!
00:25:08That Neville's the greatest.
00:25:09Is he dishy or is he dishy?
00:25:11I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.
00:25:12One day it was enough.
00:25:14One day it was enough.
00:25:15Why?
00:25:16He's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:17Is that bad?
00:25:18Hopeless.
00:25:19Hopeless.
00:25:20Oh, he's cancer and I'm Libra.
00:25:21Is that bad?
00:25:22Hopeless.
00:25:23Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:25:24Oh, look,いや, I'm going to have you some.
00:25:25My, my, my.
00:25:26My, my.
00:25:27My, my.
00:25:28My, my, my.
00:25:31My, my.
00:25:32My, my, my, my.
00:25:33Now I'm getting here, I'm getting here.
00:25:34Can you just like me?
00:25:36Gee, don't you wait a second.
00:25:39No.
00:25:40What, no.
00:25:41We've got you guys.
00:25:43Everyone's got me.
00:25:44Come on, listen.
00:25:46Oh, plus...
00:25:48Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.
00:26:00Five. Five. Which is... Which is...
00:26:04Three and two is five. Which is two less than seven.
00:26:08Which is... Oh.
00:26:12I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.
00:26:16Bank clocks.
00:26:18Your lot.
00:26:20Football supporters.
00:26:22Hippies.
00:26:24Oh. My lot.
00:26:26At the third stroke, it will be seven twenty-two and forty seconds.
00:26:35It will be seven twenty-two and fifty seconds.
00:26:39That's it then. Fate.
00:26:43All over by seven twenty-three precisely.
00:26:47So what?
00:26:49Plenty more where she came from.
00:26:52PHONE RINGS
00:26:55Is that the speaking clock?
00:26:57Is that Geoffrey?
00:26:58Is that Beryl?
00:27:00Yes.
00:27:01Yes.
00:27:02Hi.
00:27:04Hi.
00:27:05It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.
00:27:10Fantastic.
00:27:11I want to know all about you.
00:27:12That's what it's all about.
00:27:14For example, with things in common already.
00:27:15Definitely.
00:27:16Like what?
00:27:17About what?
00:27:18Even the resolution is not a matter of meaning.
00:27:19And the transformation is still in the same way.
00:27:21It's not a matter of meaning.
00:27:22It's nothing.
00:27:23But it's what I want to do.
00:27:24It's a matter of meaning.
00:27:25It's a matter of knowing you are a matter of knowing you.
00:27:26To know what you might do.
00:27:27I want to know all about you.
00:27:28How do you think about you?
00:27:29I want to know all about you.
00:27:35That's what it's all about.
00:27:39For example, with things in common already.
00:27:42Definitely.
00:27:45About what?
00:27:49We're enormously fond of animals.
00:27:52Right.
00:27:55And we're both from Manchester.
00:27:59Have you ever been abroad?
00:28:02No.
00:28:04Have you?
00:28:05No.
00:28:07Unless you count Istanbul.
00:28:09Istanbul?
00:28:10Was it beyond belief?
00:28:12I don't know. I was only three.
00:28:19Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?
00:28:22Sometimes.
00:28:24I do.
00:28:26What now?
00:28:29No.
00:28:30Just...just sometimes.
00:28:35Yes, I do.
00:28:38Such a lot, isn't there?
00:28:41In getting to know others.
00:28:43He was lithe and easy-limbed, his stride quietly casual, his eyes clear and confident, and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.
00:29:03You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really? You know, lopsided.
00:29:15I don't think I have.
00:29:17It's in the eye of the beholder.
00:29:21See?
00:29:23Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.
00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.
00:29:30It must be marvellous being a man.
00:29:33It's OK, I suppose.
00:29:35Men can do anything.
00:29:37Conquer Everest.
00:29:39Do heart transplants.
00:29:40Become leader of the opposition.
00:29:43Anything!
00:29:44Geoffrey, N-O spells no.
00:29:56It's good for your circulation, Beryl.
00:29:58Read any women's magazine.
00:30:00It's good for theirs, too.
00:30:02Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.
00:30:05I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
00:30:07All Saturdays.
00:30:10Beryl.
00:30:11Oh, Beryl.
00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bobble's bumble.
00:30:18Oh, Beryl.
00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.
00:30:21Oh, Beryl!
00:30:22Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.
00:30:26I just had a sharp achak of dramatic irony.
00:30:28Pardon?
00:30:34Come back.
00:30:35They're better.
00:30:36It's better.
00:30:37I'm OK.
00:30:41I told you, it's going to pour.
00:30:43It's not.
00:30:48Urgh.
00:30:52It's only the angels crying.
00:30:55I know how they feel.
00:30:58Well, don't blame me.
00:30:59I haven't done anything.
00:31:00That's true.
00:31:01That's not true, Beryl.
00:31:04I have apologised.
00:31:06I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.
00:31:09Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.
00:31:12It must be a bad line.
00:31:13I can't hear you.
00:31:14You'd better apologise again.
00:31:17I apologise again.
00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.
00:31:22I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday.
00:31:28Pardon?
00:31:29Pardon?
00:31:31Is that who I think it is?
00:31:34No, dear.
00:31:46Well, isn't this nice?
00:31:47Sardine sandwich.
00:31:53Is it all sardine?
00:31:54Yeah.
00:31:56She's got her own trawler.
00:32:03Isn't it awful?
00:32:05What?
00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.
00:32:08What's happening in the world?
00:32:09I blame the politicians.
00:32:11What for?
00:32:12For what's happening in the world.
00:32:14I'm talking to her.
00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.
00:32:23Tasty.
00:32:25Very in oil.
00:32:27Nice in oil.
00:32:28She's got a bad leg.
00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.
00:32:34Why, after this little baker down the road,
00:32:35he does something with the bleach.
00:32:40Yes.
00:32:44I can't do long conversations about sardines so much as your mind goes blank.
00:32:54Start thinking about life after death.
00:32:56Oh, that Neville, honestly.
00:33:03Number of hearts he must have broken.
00:33:06Every girl in Manchester, nearly.
00:33:09Geoffrey definitely has.
00:33:11Probably even more.
00:33:14Air hostesses.
00:33:16All sorts.
00:33:18Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.
00:33:20I haven't had one yet.
00:33:22White man speak with forked tongue.
00:33:25Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.
00:33:33Wow, is that the time?
00:33:34At this moment in time.
00:33:36What have I done?
00:33:37Is Neville the insanely jealous type?
00:33:40Not in the slightest.
00:33:42You're lucky.
00:33:43Why, it's Geoffrey.
00:33:46Wow.
00:33:46You're not jealous of all my ex-flames, are you?
00:33:50Of course not.
00:33:50Why should I be?
00:33:52Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.
00:33:53Forget it.
00:33:56That's all in the past.
00:33:58Then, nothing to be jealous about.
00:34:03Who needs drama?
00:34:06So I shouted back at her.
00:34:08No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.
00:34:10In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.
00:34:14He thought you.
00:34:16Walloped you on?
00:34:18No.
00:34:19I said nearly.
00:34:23You never thump me, will you?
00:34:25Like Neville does Sandra.
00:34:27She adores it.
00:34:29Of course not.
00:34:31No.
00:34:34Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.
00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.
00:34:38He used to talk to me.
00:34:40All right.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:41Let's talk.
00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.
00:34:49Why?
00:34:49Is your mum going out?
00:34:53May as well pack in, really.
00:34:57Why?
00:34:59Why not?
00:35:02Good thinking.
00:35:03Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.
00:35:12You too.
00:35:13It was real.
00:35:14It's psychedelic.
00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.
00:35:17We're scratched anyway.
00:35:20It's been a gasp.
00:35:21Groovy.
00:35:23I won't wave from the window.
00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.
00:35:27Good.
00:35:28It's been a gasp.
00:35:29You've said that once.
00:35:40You're well-bred, Beryl.
00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.
00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.
00:35:50Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.
00:35:53You know you can't do it.
00:35:54You'll never thought of me, will you, Geoffrey?
00:36:03Ow!
00:36:04Beryl, I just had the most super idea.
00:36:07Are we going to put it up?
00:36:08No.
00:36:09We're going to pack it in.
00:36:10Don't say that.
00:36:11Please don't say that.
00:36:12That.
00:36:15Sandra.
00:36:16Sandra.
00:36:18You're Sandra.
00:36:19You're Sandra.
00:36:19Mine.
00:36:23Two months.
00:36:24Two months, nine days.
00:36:28Is she positive?
00:36:30The test was.
00:36:31What are you going to do?
00:36:33She'll think of something.
00:36:35Sandra, it's stupendous.
00:36:39Congratulations.
00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.
00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.
00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.
00:36:48Often.
00:36:54I don't know how you do it.
00:36:55I don't know how you do it.
00:36:55I don't know how you do it.
00:36:56I don't know how you do it.
00:36:57I don't know how you do it.
00:36:57I don't know how you do it.
00:36:58I don't know how you do it.
00:36:59I don't know how you do it.
00:36:59I don't know how you do it.
00:37:00I don't know how you do it.
00:37:01I don't know how you do it.
00:37:01I don't know how you do it.
00:37:02I don't know how you do it.
00:37:02I don't know how you do it.
00:37:03I don't know how you do it.
00:37:04I don't know how you do it.
00:37:05I don't know how you do it.
00:37:06I don't know how you do it.
00:37:07I don't know how you do it.
00:37:08I don't know how you do it.
00:37:09I don't know.
00:37:39John for Pope.
00:37:43Long may reign.
00:37:50Aren't you, er...
00:37:52Yeah.
00:37:55And you're, er...
00:37:57That's right.
00:37:59Going somewhere incredible.
00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.
00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.
00:38:04That's pretty incredible.
00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.
00:38:07Oh, hell no.
00:38:11That's tomorrow.
00:38:13If I'm in the mood.
00:38:16Where you are.
00:38:18Depends where you take me.
00:38:30All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...
00:38:33Roland.
00:38:34Roland.
00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware...
00:38:37And psychologically incredibly boring.
00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.
00:38:43And how are you and little Beryl?
00:38:46Didn't she tell you?
00:38:47I don't work there anymore.
00:38:50I packed her in.
00:38:50Did she turn you off?
00:39:01Beryl?
00:39:02Her.
00:39:06I haven't really looked.
00:39:08You've seen one.
00:39:10You've seen them all.
00:39:11Not quite all.
00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.
00:39:23Must be my birthday.
00:39:28Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.
00:39:30Well, I do wish you'd find one.
00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Philz.
00:39:40Yes, they are.
00:39:42Mmm.
00:39:43Oh, you were terrific on the loss.
00:39:46Was I?
00:39:48Mmm.
00:39:49Terrific self-control.
00:39:51Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.
00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?
00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.
00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.
00:40:06It's run out of ink.
00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.
00:40:09My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.
00:40:13Mmm.
00:40:14Mmm.
00:40:15Mmm, please.
00:40:16Mmm, don't.
00:40:18Please.
00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.
00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.
00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.
00:40:33It is me birthday.
00:40:34What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?
00:40:40I don't believe that question.
00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.
00:40:45I was 11 years old.
00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.
00:41:04What's your name again?
00:41:20What's yours?
00:41:22Rock.
00:41:23That's not your real name.
00:41:26No.
00:41:27Stephen.
00:41:28Mmm.
00:41:29God, that turns me on.
00:41:31Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:33Mmm.
00:41:34Mmm.
00:41:38When I first met you in the street, I thought it was just a quiet drink and a chat.
00:41:43Shows you the art of conversation ain't dead.
00:41:45Mmm.
00:41:46Mmm.
00:41:48Mmm.
00:41:50Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.
00:41:55Mmm.
00:41:56Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:57Mmm.
00:41:58Mmm.
00:41:58Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:41:59Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:00Mmm.
00:42:01Mmm.
00:42:01Mmm.
00:42:02Mmm.
00:42:02Mmm.
00:42:03Mmm.
00:42:19Testing.
00:42:19Testing.
00:42:20Oh, Geoffrey Milleharp returns today.
00:42:23I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself.
00:42:26I'm fed up.
00:42:44Who are you?
00:42:46Who are you?
00:42:49What are you fed up about?
00:42:51Teachers don't have to do homework.
00:42:54No.
00:42:54They just mark it.
00:42:57Anyone can mark it.
00:42:59They've got the answers.
00:43:05Do you know it's after two o'clock?
00:43:08What's he doing here, then?
00:43:12Well, this is your Uncle Stephen.
00:43:16This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.
00:43:22How do you do?
00:43:23Don't my mum and dad know he's here?
00:43:25Jeremy, bed.
00:43:27I could always wake them up and tell them.
00:43:29Jeremy, little boys need sleep.
00:43:35Even big astronauts.
00:43:37Do you know where babies come from?
00:43:39Do you?
00:43:43Say no.
00:43:44No.
00:43:45I do.
00:43:45Say yes.
00:43:47Shall I tell you?
00:43:47He knows.
00:43:49The man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands.
00:43:53And there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well.
00:43:58And they go through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has.
00:44:02Who told you that?
00:44:04Then they go to the fallopian tubes after that.
00:44:07One of them fertilises with the female egg.
00:44:10The others don't bother.
00:44:12Anyway, that's what you have to do.
00:44:14Then you have a baby.
00:44:17Did they teach you that at school?
00:44:18They do woodwork in the next class.
00:44:20People can only make babies at certain times of the year.
00:44:25But animals, like dogs and cats and giraffes, I think, do it all the time.
00:44:31No, that's people.
00:44:35What is?
00:44:38Well, people do it all the time.
00:44:44Whenever they feel like it.
00:44:46In the next class, you can do metalwork if you don't like woodwork.
00:44:55Good night, Jeremy.
00:44:5825p?
00:45:0050.
00:45:0250.
00:45:12Good night, Uncle Stephen.
00:45:13Would you care for a government health warning?
00:45:34Hey, Veronica?
00:45:36Yes?
00:45:37Who the hell's Uncle Stephen at ten past two in the morning?
00:45:39A friend of Jeremy's.
00:45:41He's going now.
00:45:43Good night, love.
00:45:48We would have done that, wouldn't we?
00:45:50And how.
00:45:54You can't win them all, can you?
00:45:56Anyway, do you good going without for a change.
00:46:05Still, there's always another day.
00:46:06Tomorrow?
00:46:07Tomorrow?
00:46:08No.
00:46:10Tomorrow's another day.
00:46:11Shh.
00:46:12I'm not unless you happen to be in Plymouth.
00:46:15Where?
00:46:16I'm joining the Wrens for three years.
00:46:20What Wrens?
00:46:22The Royal Navy's Wrens.
00:46:24It's time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors.
00:46:31I hope I like it.
00:46:36Well, thanks for nearly everything.
00:46:40We definitely would have done, wouldn't we?
00:46:42Well, obviously.
00:46:44We're as good as dead, in a way, really.
00:46:47Almost.
00:46:48Just keep telling yourself and we will have only better.
00:46:52Good night, love.
00:46:54Try our barrel.
00:46:55Morning, previous generation.
00:47:25What's for breakfast?
00:47:31You knew it was your mother's birthday.
00:47:33Now, what we'd like to know is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?
00:47:37I'm sorry, Mum.
00:47:39I'll take you out another night.
00:47:40Something cropped up.
00:47:41Like what?
00:47:43Dad, you understand.
00:47:47I don't, Geoffrey.
00:47:49Well, you always say you do.
00:47:51Geoffrey, you're at it every night.
00:47:54Yes, Dad.
00:47:55And we don't complain.
00:47:56No, Dad.
00:47:57But last night was different.
00:47:58I knew you'd understand.
00:48:00I knew you'd understand.
00:48:25I knew you'd understand.
00:48:30Charlton for Pope.
00:48:31Long me around.
00:48:32Amen.
00:48:33What's going on?
00:48:35Pounds down again.
00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.
00:48:38You should know.
00:48:39You should know.
00:48:39Or me.
00:48:41Know what I mean?
00:48:44What a night.
00:48:46Wow.
00:48:48A lot.
00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.
00:48:56Hey, lads.
00:48:57I picked up a bit of spare last night.
00:48:59Who didn't?
00:49:00No, it's true.
00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:04It is.
00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.
00:49:12Bloody is.
00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.
00:49:17Beryl, please.
00:49:18It's Neville's engagement party as well.
00:49:20You had to invite him.
00:49:22He'll see me.
00:49:24It's cruel.
00:49:25He'll see how the girls.
00:49:27I shan't take him back, Sandra.
00:49:30I shan't.
00:49:31It's been two weeks.
00:49:33He may have got over you by now.
00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?
00:49:51It was doing him a kindness, really.
00:50:05Finally splitting up.
00:50:07He only had one ambition in life.
00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.
00:50:16Good job she hasn't joined the rent.
00:50:18The entire Navy had gone strike.
00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.
00:50:24I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.
00:50:28She might have changed, of course.
00:50:30If she has, I might let her have the old orgy nine again.
00:50:33He's got to accept we've finally split up.
00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.
00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.
00:50:45At least I've got me pride.
00:50:48I left with Beryl, baby.
00:50:49Oh, hi.
00:50:50Didn't see you.
00:50:51No, nor me.
00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?
00:50:57United.
00:50:58We're winning every game now.
00:51:00Oh, good.
00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?
00:51:04Er, I asked you what was new with you.
00:51:11I asked you.
00:51:16Did you?
00:51:17Did I say more?
00:51:20Pardon?
00:51:20And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?
00:51:24Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.
00:51:28It isn't like you.
00:51:29Say that again.
00:51:31Beryl, baby.
00:51:33What's your name, handsome?
00:51:36You'll laugh.
00:51:38Everybody laughs.
00:51:39It's the story of my life.
00:51:40You tell it like it is, Chuck.
00:51:50She's putting on an axe.
00:51:53What do you care?
00:51:55I don't have a baby.
00:51:57Is she going to get into bed with him now?
00:52:06Probably.
00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.
00:52:13Well, it's very exhausting.
00:52:16What is?
00:52:19Working in a bank.
00:52:20Oh.
00:52:21I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.
00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.
00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.
00:52:44Lots of beautiful bag, baby.
00:52:46So if you want a piece of the action,
00:52:49don't cool it.
00:52:53Dig?
00:52:56Hmm?
00:52:58Sorry, I no understand English.
00:53:07Gesundheit.
00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.
00:53:13She has.
00:53:14And which is her husband?
00:53:17Neither.
00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?
00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?
00:53:34Great to dance to.
00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?
00:53:44If so, what's death?
00:53:47Erm.
00:53:49A banana.
00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.
00:53:56Have you read Schopenhauer's concept of existence?
00:54:00Erm.
00:54:02No.
00:54:03But I've seen the film.
00:54:05You married?
00:54:08No.
00:54:08Grab yourself an adage.
00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.
00:54:14Are you a poet?
00:54:16Never ask the questions.
00:54:18Ask the answers.
00:54:19You are a poet.
00:54:22To any manager, Marks and Spencer's.
00:54:26Good job.
00:54:28I really dare, Chip.
00:54:29Now, he's taking his clothes off.
00:54:34What's on ITV?
00:54:36This.
00:54:38What's on BBC?
00:54:43Cutting over.
00:54:44What's that like?
00:54:46This.
00:54:47Oh, come on, now.
00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.
00:54:52Let's get this.
00:54:54What's the word?
00:54:55Let's get it clear.
00:54:57Let's get down to the real nitty-gritties, Phil.
00:55:00OK?
00:55:00OK?
00:55:00Mm-hm.
00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.
00:55:13Papers, yeah.
00:55:15What papers?
00:55:17A marriage certificate, a dog's license, whatever you prefer to call it.
00:55:21Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.
00:55:23All girls want marriage and a wide wedding.
00:55:26Really basic.
00:55:27You want to be really basic.
00:55:29Utterly basic.
00:55:30Balls.
00:55:32Graves?
00:55:35Enid, when Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.
00:55:39Well, like herself.
00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.
00:55:44But most girls definitely want...
00:55:46Balls!
00:55:47If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...
00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.
00:55:53I'm merely telling you what girls want.
00:55:55What?
00:55:55Balls!
00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?
00:55:59You believe in free love, right?
00:56:02You're wrong.
00:56:02I believe in free everything.
00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinists.
00:56:06Pig domination.
00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?
00:56:09Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:10If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.
00:56:12No thank you.
00:56:13Honest.
00:56:13Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.
00:56:14No!
00:56:16Ah!
00:56:16Oh, sorry.
00:56:19Wow, man, sorry.
00:56:20It's all right.
00:56:21Oh, gee.
00:56:21It's a pleasure.
00:56:23Grass?
00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.
00:56:25Why not?
00:56:26I said don't.
00:56:27You're not to smoke it.
00:56:28We're as liberated as you, Enid.
00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.
00:56:45Neither of us is boss.
00:56:46It just doesn't arise.
00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.
00:56:50Yes.
00:56:50You see, what we...
00:56:52Now!
00:56:52I can see there's only one way to get through.
00:57:04What are you doing?
00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.
00:57:11Burn my bra.
00:57:16Right.
00:57:17That's it.
00:57:18Finished.
00:57:19The end.
00:57:20Full stop.
00:57:22We've finally split up.
00:57:24Neville, Sandra wants you.
00:57:26I should imagine.
00:57:29Sad, isn't it?
00:57:33Pathetic.
00:57:38Well, I can't follow plays these days.
00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.
00:57:48I once thought I'd found her.
00:57:50The perfect girl.
00:57:54Red hair.
00:57:55Not too skinny.
00:57:58Very gentle and shy.
00:58:02Passionate when roused.
00:58:04Yeah.
00:58:06She packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.
00:58:08You're very sweet, Roland.
00:58:12I've always thought you were.
00:58:17Did you know you very nearly have a lopsided grin?
00:58:21It's just I'm a bit tired.
00:58:22No, it's nice.
00:58:23I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:49I don't think I've washed that one.
00:58:50Oh, sorry.
00:58:54Do you know...
00:58:55What, Beryl?
00:58:56She can ask me anything.
00:58:59Do you know where Jeffrey's got to?
00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.
00:59:05Is it true they're dry on their own?
00:59:16Usually.
00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.
00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.
00:59:26She said I shouldn't smoke it.
00:59:29Who?
00:59:30She said...
00:59:33Jeffrey?
00:59:37Jeffrey?
00:59:42Sorry.
00:59:49Jeffrey?
00:59:50Move up a bit, Jeffrey.
00:59:57Put your legs.
00:59:59That's better.
01:00:03It's because it's your first time, isn't it?
01:00:08Call Dr. Wise, put a quillmslow road.
01:00:11Call Dr. Wise, put a quillmslow road.
01:00:20It wasn't marijuana, you know.
01:00:25What was it then?
01:00:27Grass.
01:00:30Grass is marijuana.
01:00:32This grass wasn't.
01:00:34It was the real thing.
01:00:38From the front lawn.
01:00:39The front lawn.
01:00:48Is that you, Beryl?
01:00:54Had a nice time?
01:00:56Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.
01:00:59Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.
01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.
01:01:05Did you see Jeffrey?
01:01:08That's good.
01:01:09Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:10I didn't try at all.
01:01:11Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?
01:01:12I didn't try at all.
01:01:13It gave me to rest.
01:01:14I didn't try at all.
01:01:15It gave me to rest.
01:01:16I'm right off, birds.
01:01:17I'm right off, birds.
01:01:18I didn't try at all.
01:01:19It gave me to rest.
01:01:20I'm right off, birds.
01:01:21I am.
01:01:22I am.
01:01:23I am.
01:01:25I am.
01:01:26For good.
01:01:27Me too.
01:01:28And me.
01:01:29I'm right off, birds.
01:01:30I am.
01:01:31I am.
01:01:32For good.
01:01:33Me too.
01:01:34And me.
01:01:35I'm right off, birds.
01:01:36I am.
01:01:37I am.
01:01:38I am.
01:01:39For good.
01:01:40Me too.
01:01:41And me.
01:01:42I am.
01:01:43I am.
01:01:44I am.
01:01:45Good morning.
01:01:46Good morning.
01:01:47Good morning.
01:01:49I'm right off, birds.
01:01:50I am.
01:01:51I am.
01:01:52I am.
01:01:53For good.
01:01:54Me too.
01:01:55And me.
01:02:11Good morning.
01:02:12Good morning. Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.
01:02:17Can I.
01:02:42Oh, a barrel. A barrel.
01:03:12Geoffrey. Can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?
01:03:23Oh, barrel. Oh, Geoffrey. Oh, God.
01:03:42Hello.
01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?
01:03:47Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.
01:03:51In the room, bugger.
01:03:54I don't know who he takes after.
01:03:57Hello?
01:04:03It's me.
01:04:05Who?
01:04:06My God, that's symbolic.
01:04:08Oh, hello, Beryl.
01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.
01:04:12If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.
01:04:15Tonight or any other night.
01:04:17Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.
01:04:20Here's the mail.
01:04:48A small world.
01:04:52Good evening, Mrs. Battersby. I was looking for a nice lampshade.
01:04:56Oh?
01:04:58Probably this one.
01:05:00Definitely. Magic in satin.
01:05:02Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.
01:05:04Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?
01:05:10You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?
01:05:14I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.
01:05:19I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.
01:05:22Beryl, listen.
01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been round burning his jock strap.
01:05:26Beryl, listen.
01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?
01:05:29No, madam.
01:05:30I'll leave it then.
01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?
01:05:43Don't matter.
01:05:44What doesn't?
01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.
01:05:46Wouldn't what?
01:05:49Go to the match with me on Saturday.
01:05:52Me?
01:05:53A football match?
01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?
01:05:57Told you.
01:06:00Who are they playing?
01:06:06Huddersfield Town.
01:06:08In the co-op.
01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.
01:06:16The...the fourth from the bottom.
01:06:19Shows you.
01:06:22Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost twelve.
01:06:28Drawn five.
01:06:30So, what do you think?
01:06:35I think I nearly love you.
01:06:37I think I nearly love you.
01:06:39Will.
01:06:40...
01:06:49Oh me!
01:06:50Never mind.
01:06:51It's only a game.
01:06:53I thought you said you nearly love me...
01:06:56Never mind, it's only a game.
01:07:06I thought you said you nearly loved me.
01:07:13No!
01:07:15I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier by going to Watch United.
01:07:21I may be wrong.
01:07:22Grace who?
01:07:24We live in a permissive society, Beryl.
01:07:26I'll read any colour supplement.
01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.
01:07:30I am, love.
01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.
01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down every time I stand up,
01:07:37even if he's only on the phone.
01:07:39Yes, well, boys are very safe.
01:07:42And I am your mother.
01:07:44That's what I said.
01:07:47I don't mean permissive permissive.
01:07:51I see.
01:07:52Romantic.
01:07:55Pardon?
01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.
01:07:58Things of that nature.
01:08:02Oh, we do.
01:08:03Do what?
01:08:05What you just said.
01:08:06Good.
01:08:07Not too much, I hope.
01:08:09Oh, God.
01:08:10Boys are very funny.
01:08:12They're novices compared to mothers.
01:08:13Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains?
01:08:23Oh.
01:08:27Two new people have moved into the house opposite with the green curtains.
01:08:32Fantastic.
01:08:32The cowgill's.
01:08:39Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.
01:08:42Married couple.
01:08:45Newlyweds.
01:08:46Not long married.
01:08:49You go bald doing that.
01:08:51Doing what?
01:08:52All right.
01:09:03Did I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains?
01:09:09Living in sin.
01:09:10Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?
01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano,
01:09:25would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?
01:09:28I don't think so.
01:09:31Beryl would.
01:09:35Given you a bad time, is she?
01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.
01:09:40I haven't even mentioned the word.
01:09:46What word?
01:09:47Goodness me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person
01:09:51without everyone thinking she's automatically...
01:09:53I never said you were!
01:09:54You think it!
01:09:55All right, Geoffrey.
01:10:10I hereby promise never to utter the word again.
01:10:13Marriage?
01:10:16Never.
01:10:17Well, until I am, if I ever do.
01:10:22Which I fervently hope I never will.
01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?
01:10:27No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey.
01:10:34You mustn't feel guilty about me.
01:10:38Sorry?
01:10:38No-one can say you've completely ruined me life.
01:10:44Not yet.
01:10:44What are you staring at?
01:10:55Hello?
01:10:56You all right, son?
01:10:57Terrific.
01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat, then?
01:11:01Your mother's theory is you're overworking.
01:11:04Hmm.
01:11:04My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.
01:11:08Oh.
01:11:09What's your theory?
01:11:11Indigestion.
01:11:12Oh.
01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?
01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?
01:11:19He has said one thing.
01:11:21Oh, what's that?
01:11:22If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks.
01:11:24All right.
01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise,
01:11:32we still have deadlock.
01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.
01:11:40Another wild night learning what N.O. spells
01:11:42and how many of us school pals are getting married.
01:11:44And what N.O. spells.
01:11:47And what N.O. spells.
01:11:48Great!
01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.
01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says,
01:11:56end this dispute.
01:11:58End it now.
01:12:00Good night.
01:12:01Hear, hear.
01:12:03Good, weren't I?
01:12:03Terrific.
01:12:05Especially when he said goodnight.
01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.
01:12:10Having a good time.
01:12:12Just having fun.
01:12:14Being happy.
01:12:16Take two a day, after meals,
01:12:19and one if you find yourself crying hard out again
01:12:21in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.
01:12:23You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?
01:12:29Absolutely positive.
01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.
01:12:38Make that three a day after meals.
01:12:39Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?
01:12:52You join a marriage bureau,
01:12:54and I'll get a job on the stage,
01:12:56twice nightly in Denmark.
01:12:58Then we'll both be happy.
01:12:59Right?
01:13:00Right.
01:13:01Good Jesus Christ, superstar.
01:13:03Amen.
01:13:05Oh, well.
01:13:07Pounds up again.
01:13:08See you tomorrow.
01:13:10Do you think you're going?
01:13:11Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.
01:13:18It's important.
01:13:21What is?
01:13:24I keep asking you what is.
01:13:28What is?
01:13:30To be on our own.
01:13:32What?
01:13:34So as we can talk.
01:13:36What?
01:13:37What?
01:13:41That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.
01:13:47The only bit I can remember is,
01:13:49and that's what I think.
01:13:51Last night I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United,
01:13:54and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.
01:13:56Grace who?
01:13:57She was playing for United as well.
01:14:00Weird, isn't it?
01:14:09The main thing is,
01:14:10we do communicate.
01:14:14Oh, we do.
01:14:24See, what face...
01:14:24See, what I...
01:14:25Go on.
01:14:27No, you.
01:14:27Mine wasn't important.
01:14:30Her mum wasn't.
01:14:31Beryl?
01:14:42Beryl?
01:14:45Are you...
01:14:46happy?
01:14:49Of course.
01:14:51Very.
01:14:53I am.
01:14:54No-one is every second of every minute of every day.
01:15:01No.
01:15:03I'm not.
01:15:08Do you think it's because we love each other, do you think?
01:15:17Probably.
01:15:17I've not actually said the words often.
01:15:20Well, not in so many words.
01:15:23Mostly in words to that effect.
01:15:24Is there anything you don't love about me?
01:15:42No.
01:15:43I don't think so.
01:15:43Honestly, no.
01:15:45Nothing.
01:15:46If there is...
01:15:47If there isn't...
01:15:47You just tell me and I'll stop doing it.
01:15:49If there isn't anything.
01:15:50Honest.
01:15:51Good.
01:15:51It wouldn't upset me.
01:15:55It would just make me a better human being to deserve your love.
01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottle green socks.
01:16:10Well, you don't wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks, Beryl.
01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.
01:16:20I see.
01:16:21There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.
01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.
01:16:33Your mother.
01:16:34Pardon?
01:16:34I like your mother.
01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.
01:16:37Hand her lampshades.
01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.
01:16:42Well, you ought to know.
01:16:43You've almost made it an art form.
01:16:45Anything else at random?
01:16:47You've got 24 hours to spare.
01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.
01:16:50Well, according to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.
01:16:55Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.
01:17:00Ask any opinion poll.
01:17:02I'm much fatter for a start.
01:17:04You're not all that fat, Beryl.
01:17:05I am.
01:17:06Start slimming.
01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.
01:17:09If they're allowed to get hold of it.
01:17:11You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you?
01:17:14Always.
01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl.
01:17:16You do.
01:17:16I always fail.
01:17:18Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable?
01:17:20The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.
01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N.O. spells.
01:17:26Especially for the 600th time.
01:17:28That they really dig.
01:17:29You never say dig.
01:17:31I did then.
01:17:33Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about.
01:17:37That's really lovable.
01:17:38I never knew you thought that.
01:17:42Neither did I.
01:17:44Do now, though.
01:17:53I used to say dig before I met you.
01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.
01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.
01:18:08There's a lot about me.
01:18:29Thinking what I'm thinking?
01:18:33Think so.
01:18:35We just don't like each other.
01:18:38At all.
01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.
01:18:54Good luck.
01:18:55Peace, man.
01:19:00St. Anne's Square.
01:19:01St. Anne's Square, please.
01:19:02So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.
01:19:19And what else do I need?
01:19:22Oh, yes, a ring.
01:19:24Teethine ring?
01:19:26Wedding ring?
01:19:27Oh, of course.
01:19:29Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.
01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.
01:19:35Oh, sorry.
01:19:37What about?
01:19:38Skip it.
01:19:40About time, too.
01:19:41Which is sympathy.
01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.
01:19:45I've never been as happy in me life.
01:19:47But she doesn't know that.
01:19:48If I'm looking miserable, Sandrick, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.
01:19:54Yeah.
01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.
01:19:59Of course we do.
01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.
01:20:09Ace.
01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.
01:20:12I won't tell you where.
01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.
01:20:20Wow.
01:20:24Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?
01:20:26I know, spells no.
01:20:30Super day for it.
01:20:33Sin being inside a day like this.
01:20:36Well, Sandra, this is it.
01:20:39Yep.
01:20:40The big day.
01:20:41Yeah.
01:20:43Coming to the crutch.
01:20:44Crunch?
01:20:46I dare say it'll hardly break me heart in the slightest, seeing him again.
01:20:50You mustn't think I'll be crying inside, because I most definitely won't be.
01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.
01:20:58Because I shan't.
01:21:00Truly.
01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.
01:21:08It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?
01:21:11And now one of the bride and groom on their own.
01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?
01:21:21Fine.
01:21:22This is fine enough.
01:21:23Here.
01:21:23About there, lovely.
01:21:25You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.
01:21:27Wow.
01:21:28Official permission to actually kiss her.
01:21:30Whew.
01:21:32Ow!
01:21:33Oh, sorry.
01:21:36That's right.
01:21:37Hold it.
01:21:39Lovely.
01:21:40Right, now, a nice family group of the parents, please.
01:21:43Right, parents.
01:21:44I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.
01:21:47How have you been?
01:21:50Absolutely great.
01:21:52You?
01:21:53Never better.
01:21:54Ever.
01:21:55That's it.
01:21:55Hold it like that.
01:21:58It's all over now.
01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.
01:22:02It's tuna fish.
01:22:04It's life.
01:22:05See, President Nixon went to China, then.
01:22:15That was before we ever met.
01:22:17I know.
01:22:18Why, has something happened about it?
01:22:21No.
01:22:21Oh?
01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?
01:22:24Hmm.
01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.
01:22:31Well, Nixon.
01:22:34Why is he going?
01:22:36No.
01:22:38The astronauts.
01:22:39Oh.
01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.
01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?
01:22:50Good, isn't it?
01:22:51Shows we're friends.
01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.
01:22:55Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.
01:23:01We've really grown up, haven't we?
01:23:04My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.
01:23:07I'm right off it, myself.
01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.
01:23:13Aw.
01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.
01:23:16I hope not.
01:23:17It's marvellous.
01:23:18Good.
01:23:19I don't fancy you in the slightest now.
01:23:22Thank you, love.
01:23:26Still off the food, I noticed.
01:23:28Yes.
01:23:31And we've learned a fantastic amount for the future.
01:23:35Fantastic.
01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.
01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.
01:23:46In bed a bit.
01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry
01:23:55her three days later.
01:23:56We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.
01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.
01:24:04Oh, yeah.
01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.
01:24:08Where's she going?
01:24:09Hospital.
01:24:13Well, we'll bump into each other sometime.
01:24:46Oh, hello, Mrs. Battersby.
01:24:59You won't remember me.
01:25:01Good afternoon, Geoffrey.
01:25:04Oh, um, is, uh, is Beryl there, please?
01:25:08She's gone to the football match.
01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now.
01:25:14Well, it's the same thing, isn't it?
01:25:39Hi.
01:25:42When's the kickoff?
01:25:44In about three months.
01:25:47Football season's over now, Beryl.
01:25:49Well, what on earth did you want to come for?
01:25:52I forgot.
01:25:54I'm not all that interested these days.
01:25:58Where will you go now, then?
01:26:00I don't know.
01:26:04Could always go inside and practise booing for next season.
01:26:07Where will you?
01:26:12Might go and get a new pair of tights.
01:26:14Hey, it's like the countryside, isn't it, when it's empty?
01:26:18Fancy a stroll in the country?
01:26:20May as well, if you like.
01:26:22Don't mind.
01:26:23Why not?
01:26:24Just as friends.
01:26:26Oh, I meant just as friends.
01:26:27Yeah, I did.
01:26:35Wish we had a ball.
01:26:38Good place, shooting in.
01:26:42You could go in goal.
01:26:43Amazing how people change, isn't it?
01:26:51Well, we're certainly much happier without each other.
01:27:19We'll be even happier with someone else.
01:27:25Anyone, really.
01:27:34There's millions to choose from.
01:27:37All nearly exactly right for us.
01:27:41You'll find someone, Geoffrey.
01:27:44You will, Beryl.
01:27:46Just a matter of keeping your eyes open, really.
01:27:49Picking one out of the crowd.
01:27:59Beryl.
01:28:00Beryl.
01:28:04Beryl.
01:28:10Beryl.
01:28:11Beryl.
01:28:12Beryl.
01:28:13Beryl.
01:28:13Beryl.
01:28:14Beryl.
01:28:15Beryl.
01:28:17Beryl.
01:28:18And you'll find sometimes
01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine
01:28:38Getting wet together's fun
01:28:41When the crying's done
01:28:47Love and rainy weather
01:28:51Are followed by the sun
01:28:56Love and rainy weather
01:29:00Love and rainy weather
01:29:05When the crying's done
01:29:12Love and rainy weather
01:29:16Are followed by the sun
01:29:22Love and rainy weather
01:29:25Love and rainy weather
01:29:33Love and rainy weather