Mark Gatiss scenes as Jeremy in *** Lives of the Potato Men (2004)
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00:00That's the problem. Can't quite get the flavour right.
00:03Erm, King's Heath, you know, paint factory. That's them.
00:08And Lizelle's Road. You know about that, don't you?
00:11Yeah, you've already given us.
00:12Have I? Must have done. Sorry, it was a late night.
00:15What, we were up all night watching porn channels again, were you?
00:18No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.
00:21Drank a lot of wine, played chess, talked about books all night, you know what it's like.
00:30Anyway, you've, er, you've got the things, so, er...
00:33Yeah.
00:36Good stuff.
00:38I went out with this bird once, right? She used to lick me heart.
00:43Twelve months ago today I met Ruth. It's her anniversary.
00:47She's probably forgot, but I'm going to take her out for a nice expensive slap-up meal.
00:52Champagne, you know, starters, puddings.
00:55Linda never remembered our wedding anniversary.
00:57Or me birthday. I think it was the heroine.
01:00It's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.
01:03Men like you and me, Tolly, we're a dying breed.
01:05I used to put strawberry jam on a twat.
01:07Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly. Dying breed.
01:11Dying breed.
01:14Dying breed.
01:16Dying breed.
01:19Dying breed.
01:21Dying breed.
01:21Dying breed.
01:22Dying breed.
01:23Dying breed.
01:24Dying breed.
01:27Ruth?
01:29Oh, you look lovely.
01:30Yeah.
01:30Sorry. What did you want?
01:31Your hair... Sorry, what did you want?
01:33I got you these.
01:35OK, don't take this the wrong way.
01:37If I don't leave you alone, I will call the police.
01:39Why?
01:40I didn't last time, Jeremy. Go away!
01:42All couples have arguments.
01:44We are not a couple any more.
01:46How can you go from being really liking me
01:48to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.
01:50Look, to be honest, Jeremy, I didn't like you that much at any point, so...
01:53You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?
01:56Just tell me.
01:58I'm gonna walk away.
02:00Leave me alone.
02:02I'll always love you, Ruth. Fuck off!
02:04Give us a ring! Fuck off, Jeremy!
02:06Any time.
02:07I like your outfit, by the way.
02:09Looks really nice on you.
02:11Wait a minute.
02:19Like a leaf falling from a tree, I fell for you.
02:23Gradual.
02:24Then, suddenly, my insides melt.
02:27Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth.
02:30Everything leading to now.
02:32In the lake, my shattered reflection.
02:34A million pieces of heartbreak.
02:36Be still then, passion.
02:38She has turned away.
02:40Like the winter.
02:42My hibernating love.
02:44As it warms, the clear shafts of sunlight penetrate your moist fanny with my stiff, meaty love rocket.
02:53Fuckin' bitch!
02:55Fuckin' bitch!
02:56Fuckin' bitch!
02:58Fuckin' bitch!
02:59Fuckin' bitch!
03:00Come on!
03:01Fuckin' bitch!
03:02I'm too weak!
03:03Fuckin' bitch!
03:04Look out!
03:05Fuckin' bitch!
03:06I'm too weak!
03:07This is crazy!
03:09ç›® down on a tree!
03:10Look out!
03:11I'm too weak!
06:13Bobby!
06:14Bobby!
06:15Bobby!
06:16Bobby!
06:17Bobby!
06:22Bobby!
06:23Bobby!
06:24Bobby!
06:25Bobby!
06:26Bobby!
06:27Bobby!
06:28Bobby!
06:29Bobby!
06:33Bobby!
06:34Bobby!
06:35Bobby!
06:36Bobby!
06:37Bobby!
06:38Bobby!
06:39Bobby!
06:40Bobby!
06:41Bobby!
06:42Bobby!
06:43Bobby!
06:44Bobby!
06:45Bobby!
06:46Bobby!
06:47Bobby!
06:48Bobby!
06:49Bobby!
06:51Bobby!
06:52Bobby!
06:53Bobby!
06:54Bobby!
06:55Bobby!
06:56Bobby!
06:57Bobby!
06:58Bobby!
06:59Bobby!
07:00Bobby!
07:01Bobby!
07:02Bobby!
07:03Bobby!
07:04Bobby!
07:05Bobby!
07:07Bobby!
07:08Bobby!
07:09Bobby!
07:10Bobby!
07:11Bobby!
07:12Bobby!
07:13Bobby!
07:14Bobby!
07:15Bobby!
07:16Bobby!
07:17Bobby!
07:18Bobby!
07:19Bobby!
07:20Bobby!
07:21Bobby!
07:22Bobby!
07:23Bobby!
07:24Bobby!
07:25Bobby!
07:26Bobby!
07:27Bobby!
07:28Bobby!
07:29Bobby!
07:30Bobby!
07:31Bobby!
07:32Bobby!
07:33Bobby!
07:34Bobby!
07:35Bobby!
07:36Bobby!
07:37Bobby!
07:38Bobby!
07:39Bobby!
07:40Trying to kill you. I wouldn't do it now. I just really want to you know
07:45Go to the park with you and spend all my time with you. I love you Bobby. Just fantastic little dog. Yeah
08:05This is Bobby. Say hello. All right, mate
08:08You know what you get from a dog? Dog shit
08:12Unconditional love. Is it yours?
08:16Actually, it's Ruth's. She's away. She's in
08:19Switzerland. So I'm looking after little Bobby
08:22Well, don't, you know, why she's away. Don't start shagging it because she'll find out
08:27I always find out
08:29I don't know why I'm starry eyed
08:33Starry eyed and mystified
08:37My dreams are coming to you
08:41Just because I'm so in love with you
08:46Oh, hello
08:50What's his name? Bobby like Bobby does
08:53Oh
08:55Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to
08:57I'm Shelly. This is Crystal
08:59Hello, Crystal
09:01Stop. Don't do that, Crystal
09:03Bobby, stop it. Crystal, stop it
09:05Stop it. Bobby, stop it
09:07I lived in Africa
09:09For a while. Yeah, out there you soon learn to respect wild animals. You know lions
09:15lions, tigers, hippos. Whereabouts in Africa were you? The safari district. Right, yeah. I'd love to go on a safari. It was Kenya where I was. You'd love it there. It's like solid jungle. You know, you open your curtains in the morning there's like giraffes everywhere. I love animals. So do I. They're great. Bobby! Are you a Capricorn? Bobby!
09:45Bobby! What is it? Shh! It's me. What? What? What is it? Toby! Oi! You! It'd be nice to go out for a drink or something. Yes, please. Nice to meet you. Bye. Bye. Bye.
10:06That one stole my dog. Did he?
10:15Hello?
10:16Whatever that woman told you about me, it's not true.
10:36You stole her dog.
10:37That boyfriend of hers, he's not right in the head. I never stole any dog. That's, no. Actually, yes, I did steal the dog. But you can't know what I went through with all that. I've got my own dog now.
10:53She messed me about rotten. I was just trying to get my own back. I know what you're thinking, but you don't know what I've been through with that woman.
11:06Come on, Spike. No, I do. I do know what you've been through. I know exactly how you feel.
11:12Do you? How do you mean?
11:17They'd been seeing her for five weeks. I didn't even twig. I just thought that's not right.
11:23And then I found out he was taking her to Paris for the weekend. I still had the keys to his house, so I went round there.
11:30I did every room in the house. It was a year ago. I can still smell it.
11:37Yeah, well, nothing smells quite like a house full of dog shit.
11:45With, erm, with Ruth, I told her I was a dentist.
11:53I kept it up for months. She thought it was great. I told her I had my own dental practice.
12:01And her mum and dad were pretty impressed as well.
12:04But when she found out I worked in the potato distribution business, which is what I do, she went spare.
12:12Called me a liar. Which is fair enough, I suppose.
12:16A few days later, she rang me up. But that was that.
12:20I tried to talk to her, but she wasn't having any of it.
12:25I don't care anymore anyway. I'm a potato man. That's what I do.
12:30Doesn't make me a bad person.
12:34Would you like to see my horse?
12:36Would you like to see my horse?
12:40Oh!
12:42Oh!
12:44Oh!
12:46Oh, wow!
12:48Oh, well.
12:49Oh, well.
13:07Thanks.
13:08Erm, I just want to say thanks for coming at short notice to this occasion to celebrate that me and Shelley have got engaged.
13:17Hey!
13:19Erm, it's been a whirlwind romance. We're both madly in love.
13:24Shelley's what I've been looking for all my life. And she's got what she's always been looking for. A potato man.
13:37Hey!
13:41Seriously, er, thanks. Erm, here's to me and Shelley.
13:45Oh, there's plenty of crisps and nuts if you, er, you want to, er...
13:56Oh, they're like mole, yeah? Pandas.
13:59I think it's all that black and white fur and a great big arse.
14:06Has anyone seen my dog?
14:07No, no, yes, no, no, no.
14:08Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
14:09It's all that black and white fur is not.
14:10Sorry, Mr.