Frasier Season 3 Episode 4 Leapin' Lizards
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00:00Hello, Lars.
00:08Frasier, quick.
00:09Give me your museum membership card.
00:11What for?
00:12I just heard.
00:12Tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of 14th century Japanese Netsuke figurines.
00:17Then the rumors were true.
00:20Hurry, hurry.
00:21I want to get there before the line forms.
00:24Five seconds.
00:26Oh, just give me a minute, Lars.
00:27Sit tight.
00:30And we're back.
00:33Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.
00:43Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease, and other maladies.
00:49So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath, quickening of pulse, irritability.
00:57Oh, we just shoved the damn thing in your mouth.
01:00Well, let's all join together to help defeat this silent killer.
01:16Ross, who's on the line?
01:19On line four, we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia, and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
01:25Hello, Mac.
01:26Welcome to Seattle.
01:28I'm listening.
01:30Well, mate, it's like the Sheila said.
01:32I'm working with a real yabbo.
01:35He goes on and on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show off how smart he is.
01:40Well, you have my sympathy.
01:42There is nothing more irritating than pointless and pretentious eludition.
01:47My advice to you is to simply avoid him.
01:53Is that possible?
01:55Not really, you bloody wallaby.
01:57You're on right before me.
01:58Bang!
02:02Stay tuned for the bulldog.
02:04Well, that's one on me.
02:13Or rather, one on me and my call screener, Ross, whose ancestors were once heard remarking,
02:20Oh, what a nice wooden horse.
02:22Of course I'll sign for it.
02:28This is Dr. Fraser Crane wishing you good mental health.
02:35Gotcha!
02:36How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics?
02:41I get a sense of humor.
02:43Look, I mean it.
02:44I will go over your head.
02:45Oh, oh!
02:46Stop it.
02:46You're scaring me.
02:47Listen, you sleazy little lime tick.
02:52You do that one more time and I'll cut you off.
02:55And I don't mean mid-sentence.
02:58Stop it.
02:59You're scaring me.
03:05Do you believe the sophomoric hijinks I have to put up with?
03:08No.
03:09Who would have thought it from a station whose current motto is,
03:11Yakety-yak, we talk bad.
03:13Oh, run along.
03:17Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
03:22Thanks, Costas.
03:23I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
03:25How do you do?
03:26Enchante.
03:27I'd love to stay in chat, but I'm off to get tickets for Fraser and me to the Japanese Netsuke exhibit.
03:32You'll love it.
03:33I saw it in Kyoto.
03:34It's just such a shame.
03:36They're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
03:40Oh.
03:45As my Japanese gardener says,
03:48Imaimashi chikusho.
03:50Watch your mouth.
03:54Will you speak Japanese?
03:55Well, I'll just retreat now so that I can be one with my humiliation.
04:06Um, Kate, can I have a word with you?
04:08I'm in kind of a hurry.
04:10Yes, well, just take a moment.
04:12Yeah, I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.
04:14Yes, well, I've tried to deal with this problem on my own,
04:16but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
04:22Yeah, I heard.
04:23Yes, well, I did not spend eight grueling years at Harvard
04:25to be mocked by that juvenile jackass.
04:29Shameless.
04:30Oh, he's beyond shameless.
04:31I'm talking about the way you managed to get Harvard into every conversation.
04:38Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater, too, someday when it's accredited.
04:44Gee, you sure know how to ask for help.
04:48Oh, I'm sorry.
04:49All right, all right, all right, I'll take care of it.
04:53Just make sure that he understands that...
04:54You went to Harvard?
04:55I know.
04:56I'll tell him.
04:59Hey, the key to this game is the Husky secondary.
05:02Jack, how can I put this to you delicately?
05:05You're a moron.
05:06Shut up.
05:08You don't know squat.
05:09You know less than squat.
05:11You and squat could go to the movies,
05:13and squat could wear, and I'm with stupid T-shirt.
05:17You're awesome, Bulldog.
05:18Hey, wait a minute on a blowhard Dr. Crane.
05:21You are the greatest.
05:22Yeah, whatever.
05:23Shut up.
05:24Now, look, all you guys sending in these postcards
05:27to win tickets to the Seahawks game,
05:29do I need another picture of the Space Needle?
05:33Chicks and thorns.
05:35Enough said.
05:35We'll be back right after this.
05:40Uh, hey, what I just said, I'm sorry.
05:44I meant to say women and thorns.
05:47Stop busting Frazier's chops.
05:49Enough said.
05:50Well, I could, but see all these lines lit up?
05:53They're all waiting to tell me how funny it was.
05:54Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog
06:00how much they liked the joke he played on Frazier?
06:03All except the guy on 9, he thinks Bulldog sucks.
06:06Because of what he did to Frazier?
06:08No, just in general.
06:09So what do you want me to do?
06:14If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly mock
06:17one of our most respected hosts on air
06:20just for the sake of higher ratings,
06:22you and I are going to get along just fine.
06:39Come on, Eddie.
06:44You love pâté.
06:45And this is the good stuff.
06:50Uh-oh.
06:52Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear
06:55upon entering the door.
06:59But then I've anything to do with the fact
07:01that you're feeding my imported foie gras to a dog.
07:06Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
07:09Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve.
07:15When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and snausages.
07:25That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late.
07:29Your father asked him to stop at the vet
07:31and pick up some pills for Eddie.
07:34I know I've had a hard day.
07:36How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?
07:38I've often wondered that myself.
07:43Hello?
07:44Hello.
07:45This is Dr. Julius Irving.
07:48I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane.
07:51His receptionist said he might be there.
07:54I'm sorry.
07:56I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
07:59Oh, no, no.
08:00Nothing important.
08:00Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about the Mikado.
08:06Well, perhaps I can help.
08:08I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane,
08:10and as luck would have it,
08:11I was in an all-male version of the Mikado at Oxford.
08:14People still ask to see my yum-yum.
08:21I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to
08:24three little maids?
08:27Well, let me see.
08:30Of course, my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but...
08:33Three little maids from school all week
08:39Look at the schoolgirl where I may be
08:43Filled to the brim with a girlish cleat
08:47Three maids from school
08:50Dad, would you please be quiet?
08:57I'm trying to settle a bet here.
08:58You sure are.
09:00Some call of that bulldog,
09:01he couldn't make you sing over the air.
09:07Sayonara, Doc!
09:12Well, Dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused.
09:14Have your own son humiliated publicly?
09:16Oh, come on, it's funny.
09:18He makes everybody look stupid.
09:21The guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave.
09:24Oh, not exactly a miracle transformation
09:26when it comes to Chopper Dave.
09:28A man whose life worked consistent
09:30looking down at the freeway and saying
09:32Crowded, not crowded.
09:35Hey, where are you going?
09:36Back to the station.
09:37Oh, come on, Fred.
09:38You don't take yourself so seriously.
09:41You know, we played jokes like this all the time
09:43when I was on the force.
09:45The day they replaced my bulletproof vest
09:47with a big lacy bra,
09:49I knew I was one of the guys.
09:51Thank you, Dad.
09:56That also clears up a question
09:58that's troubled me for years
09:59concerning the night you were shot.
10:07The salmon?
10:09That's what you want to name
10:10our expansion hockey team?
10:12The Seattle salmon?
10:13Why don't you take your two IQ points,
10:18rub them together,
10:18see if you can start a fire.
10:20Beat it.
10:22You're in the doghouse.
10:24Hey, am I on?
10:25Yeah, take as long as you want.
10:27Next.
10:29Hey, Bulldog, you're the man.
10:31How about we name them the Bulldogs?
10:33Oh, you want to suck up, send money.
10:35Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
10:37I got another one.
10:38What about the lizards?
10:39I hate lizards.
10:41They're disgusting.
10:42They make my skin crawl.
10:43You're an idiot.
10:44You don't deserve to live.
10:46You're the best, Bulldog.
10:47Yeah, shut up.
10:48Back in 30.
10:51I warned you.
10:52Hey, hey, cool your jets.
10:54Kate told me to keep busting you.
10:57Said it's good for ratings.
10:58You got a beef?
10:58Take it up with her.
11:00I don't believe you.
11:02Pete, what did Kate say?
11:04She said you're a pig.
11:05No, before that.
11:06She said you keep ragging on the dock.
11:17I want to talk to Kate now.
11:18She's not in.
11:20Oh, very clever.
11:21She's not in.
11:22Like, that'll make me go away.
11:27She's not in.
11:28Susan, I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.
11:32What's Yum Yum doing here?
11:36Never mind.
11:37I can guess.
11:39You promised we'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans, and instead you encouraged him.
11:43But you're cancelling pet chat with Nanette?
11:47She's been on for six years.
11:49Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.
11:54Look, when I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were lit up like Times Square.
11:59His fans love it when he zaps you.
12:01So you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas?
12:05No.
12:05I would have you fight back.
12:07He takes pot shots at you.
12:09You come back at him in your droll Ivy League.
12:11Look at me.
12:12I've got a thesaurus.
12:13What kind of way?
12:14It'll be funny.
12:16Funny?
12:17Funny?
12:18I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man whose favorite T-shirt reads,
12:25Seattle Hooter Inspector.
12:29Afraid of the competition?
12:30I am a doctor.
12:32I went to medical school.
12:38I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
12:43You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are filled to the brim with girlish glee.
12:49I think the HMS pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.
12:54Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.
12:58Oh, my God.
13:01She brought Spanky.
13:04Gates, this is not over.
13:07You know what your problem is?
13:09You have no sense of humor.
13:10I am sick and tired of people telling me that.
13:13Well, then lighten up.
13:16I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills.
13:21And here's what they said.
13:23Three little mates from school, all.
13:26Three little mates from school.
13:28Good evening, Daphne.
13:38Evening, Dr. Crane.
13:40Did you bring out his pills?
13:41Yes.
13:42And the vet gave very specific instructions.
13:45Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides.
13:49I'm sorry.
13:51These are for Maris.
13:56Those are for Eddie.
13:57There you go.
13:59I'll just hide.
14:00He's killing a bit of food.
14:02That's how Grammy Moon used to get Grandad to take his heart medicine.
14:07If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?
14:11Do you think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question?
14:17You know, Zeddy.
14:18Oh, he's a good boy.
14:22Normally, I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.
14:26I quite agree.
14:29My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering, too,
14:31but I would never turn to drugs to calm down.
14:35Oh, Mommy.
14:40Hey, Niles, you're never going to believe what happened to Frasier.
14:43Oh, I heard the whole thing.
14:46You listen to Bulldogs, Barbara?
14:49Yes, Dad.
14:49I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through what apparatus.
14:55No, no, no, no.
14:56It was on at the beds.
14:57You would think that in a city with this much rain, the people would develop an etiquette about it.
15:06But no.
15:06They buy umbrellas that are too big, so you'd have to walk into the street to get around them.
15:12And then they drive too close to the curb that you're sure to get splashed.
15:16And they wear brown shoes with white socks.
15:19What has that got to do with the rain?
15:25Nothing.
15:26Well, I mean, really, get a fashion sense.
15:32Well, I guess things didn't go too well down at the station, huh?
15:35No, they didn't.
15:37Turns out the station manager is encouraging Bulldogs' little pranks.
15:41Now she wants to return his fire on the air.
15:45Oh, well, I thought the idea was absurd at first.
15:49But now I'm starting to warm to it.
15:51I say have at him.
15:52He is grossly overmatched, but he didn't bring this on himself.
15:56You know, you're right now.
15:57If I have to fight cheap and dirty on his own terms, then I will.
16:04Uh...
16:04And what is that supposed to mean?
16:09Well, I don't think it's a good idea.
16:11You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing.
16:15He's a funny guy.
16:17And I'm not funny?
16:20Uh...
16:20I don't believe this.
16:24Well, no.
16:25Obviously, Dad's forgetting the time you took the names of our wine club board
16:29and turned them all into wickedly derisive anagrams.
16:32Sidney Ass Basket.
16:40Ah, you see, Dad, I made you laugh.
16:42Ah, I'm looking at Eddie.
16:47I guess he won't be needing a second pill.
16:52No, I'll face you.
16:54Don't get me wrong.
16:55I think you're witty.
16:57You're clever.
16:58But funny's different.
17:00Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly.
17:03Now, Bulldog's funny.
17:05Duke's cousin Louie, now, he's really funny.
17:08He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud.
17:14He makes you laugh so hard the beer comes out of your nose.
17:17You know what feels good through the nose?
17:22A warm cup of cocoa.
17:30I just may go home for Christmas this year.
17:34You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their nostrils
17:40doesn't mean that I can't.
17:43Anyone who can compose a clever barb can certainly master the intricacies of the whoopee cushion.
17:50Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
17:52It's a lot harder than you think.
17:54All right, you just tune in to Bulldog's show tomorrow,
17:57pop open a beer, and prepare for a Budweiser geyser.
18:01You know, Fraser, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion,
18:07I happen to have one at the house.
18:10Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair.
18:14Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted
18:17when my little fawn proved too light to activate it.
18:20Well, it's 6.30, sports fans.
18:31That means it's time for...
18:35Our big Seahawks tickets giveaway.
18:40Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant Darlene
18:44is rolling in our glittering giant prize drum right now.
18:50Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank.
18:54Whoa!
18:54Honey, I meant the drum.
18:58Good. Here it comes, Ross.
19:00Hilarity ensues.
19:03Okay, explain this to me one more time.
19:06You're the one who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny,
19:08so why am I the one that had to put the lizard in the box?
19:12It was just as difficult to be the lookout.
19:14Stop whining.
19:16Hey, look who's here.
19:17It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas.
19:22Kate's there?
19:23Oh, Fraser Kate's there?
19:24No, no, it's even better.
19:26Even better that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape.
19:30Come on in, Kate.
19:33Yeah.
19:35Here we go.
19:35Glad you dropped in.
19:38Hello, Bulldog.
19:40Hi, Darlene.
19:41Wow, look at that mighty drum.
19:48Yeah, give it a good spin.
19:50Look at those cards going round and round.
19:53Okay, Seattle.
19:56And the winner is...
19:59Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?
20:02Okay.
20:04And the lucky winner is...
20:05Oh, man, he's got your fingers.
20:16Oh, God!
20:18Right up, I'll get some money.
20:19There it goes!
20:20There it goes!
20:20There it goes!
20:22Stop that, lizard!
20:23It has my finger!
20:24Ross, any news?
20:35Oh, yeah.
20:36They sewed her fingertip back on.
20:38She's going to be fine.
20:39Fraser, would you wipe that guilty look off your face?
20:42No one even suspects you.
20:44Why not?
20:45Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.
20:49Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me.
20:51I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and urbain.
20:59Even my most barbed comments never drew blood.
21:04Oh, God, I feel sick.
21:06You do.
21:07When the lizard threw up the fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and rush it down here?
21:14I'm going to tell her the truth.
21:16What?
21:16Are you insane?
21:17Father, I've got to unburden myself.
21:20Fraser, you didn't start this.
21:23You are the victim here.
21:24Why should you have to suffer any more than you already have?
21:28I'll keep your name out of this.
21:30Fine, do what you want.
21:34I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan.
21:36Just cancel all my appointments.
21:38Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt?
21:43I don't want excuses.
21:45I want names.
21:47Can you hurry up that shot?
21:49I'm in agony here.
21:51Kate, I see that your strength is back.
21:55Or it's a flower.
21:56What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this?
22:01Oh, you know, people use that word psychotic an awful lot these days.
22:06A kid steals a candy bar.
22:08Suddenly, he's a psychotic.
22:11I'm going to find him.
22:13And I'm going to crush him.
22:17Are you sure that's enough?
22:19Make sure that all goes in.
22:23Come if you need me, then.
22:25Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
22:36Oh, let me guess.
22:37Someone parked in your space?
22:39No, no.
22:40But if someone had, I would have forgiven him.
22:46Just as I'm sure you will forgive who?
22:49Well, I'm sure that the poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed really had no ill will in mind.
23:00It wasn't his or her intention to...
23:03You know...
23:06That Nanette from Pet Chat.
23:12She had a real axe to grind.
23:16What?
23:17What?
23:19You giggle.
23:20Oh.
23:22It's kind of funny.
23:25What?
23:25What?
23:29Well, it's funny.
23:31Oh, I was just remembering.
23:35What?
23:35What?
23:38Oh, all the shots kick again, isn't it?
23:43I didn't know you bite my middle finger.
23:45How am I supposed to drive?
23:49You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time to tell you.
23:57You know, you know, life is so funny.
24:00One minute, you're standing in a hallway.
24:04The next minute, you're a poo-poo platter for a lizard.
24:07That's a funny word, isn't it?
24:09That's a funny word, isn't it?
24:13Hallway.
24:17You want to hear something really funny.
24:19And bulldog look.
24:23Bulldog look.
24:24Oh, see, now you're starting to get tired.
24:30I should go.
24:36Kate.
24:38Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last funny thing I want to tell you.
24:45Okay.
24:45I put the lizard in the box.
24:53Okay.
24:53Okay.
25:07Oh, God.
25:10It's alive.
25:12Well, it was meant for bulldog.
25:19It was all an accident.
25:20I never intended to.
25:27Kate.
25:32Kate.
25:37No!
25:38Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:52Mercy.
25:53And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:56Well, maybe.
25:57But I got you pegged.
25:59Ha!
26:00Ha!
26:01Ha!
26:01Ha!
26:02Ha!
26:02But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:08They're calling again.
26:11Frasier has left the building.