Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 11 Company Picnic Pt 1
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00:00Besides, it's unlucky to kill her in the house.
00:07Okay.
00:09Hello, little fella.
00:10Come on, sweetheart.
00:21Go! Go! Go!
00:23Open the door!
00:24Open the door!
00:26Back! Back!
00:27Side!
00:28Side! No, back!
00:29Back!
00:34Hello?
00:36Oh, my God, did we just...
00:38Go!
00:39She can only growl on me.
00:42Get your keys and go.
00:44But...
00:45Go!
00:49Yes, no, maybe.
00:53I don't know.
00:56Can you repeat the question?
00:59You're not the boss of me now.
01:01You're not the boss of me now.
01:03You're not the boss of me now.
01:05You're not the boss of me now.
01:07And you're not so big.
01:10You're not the boss of me now.
01:11You're not the boss of me now.
01:12You're not the boss of me now.
01:13You're not the boss of me now.
01:15And you're not so big.
01:19Life is unfair.
01:20My dad's company picnic is tomorrow.
01:39Lori Milberg is going to be there.
01:40I've kind of had a crush on her since third grade.
01:43I haven't seen her since she moved across town last year.
01:51I've grown about four inches since then, but I can't just count on that.
01:55If I do like 10,000 of these tonight, I should have something to show by tomorrow.
02:02Dewey, no candy tomorrow. Do you understand?
02:06I'll be fine.
02:07No, you won't.
02:09What happened at the last company picnic?
02:11I got in a fight with that red-headed boy.
02:15And why did you do that?
02:18Because I ate candy.
02:20Because you ate candy.
02:23You do not metabolize sugar well.
02:26You get mean and crazy, you get into fights, and you end up crying.
02:30Do you want that to happen again this year?
02:32No.
02:33No. Now go get ready for bed.
02:36Okay.
02:36What do you think? This? Or this?
02:42What are you doing?
02:44This is an important office function, Lois.
02:47It's a company picnic.
02:49A picnic attended by my new boss, whom I haven't met yet.
02:53I have to start off on the right foot.
02:55Hal, you're making too much of this.
02:57No, I am not.
02:59But if I've learned one thing, it's that you have to make a good first impression, it sets
03:04a tone for the entire relationship.
03:07Hal, this is your new supervisor, Ms. Plump.
03:10Great to meet you, Hal. I'm really looking forward to working with you.
03:14Same here.
03:15Oh, and what do we have here?
03:21My big fat stomach.
03:27You know, I'd like you to meet your staff, but I'm not quite sure where everyone works.
03:30It is great to meet you, Mr. Jacobson.
03:45I just want you to know that I am going to do a terrific job for you.
03:49Well, that's great, Hal. I'm sure you are.
03:51Have you met my daughter and son-in-law?
03:53No, I haven't had the pleasure.
03:55Kelly, Steve, I want you to meet somebody.
03:58Hi, I'm Hal.
04:03Hi, Hal.
04:04Oh, my God!
04:10There's a toothache in my eye!
04:12She's gushing blood!
04:14For God's sake, somebody put a turd again on her neck!
04:19I'm outside of my body.
04:21I can see a light.
04:23Grandma, is that you?
04:26Son of a bitch.
04:27I'm going to chew off your face.
04:29I'm going to spit it out, and I'm going to dance on it!
04:32I'm going to kill you!
04:34I'm going to drag your carcass through the street!
04:37She's got a toothpick in her eye!
04:40It's like a chess game, Lois.
04:43Every subtle move is vital.
04:45Oh, my God!
04:56What did you do?
04:57You're huge!
04:58Shut up!
04:59I'd be careful.
05:00You might frighten Lori with your savage manliness.
05:03Who says I'm doing it for Lori?
05:05Oh, so Lori's fair game, then?
05:08I wonder if she likes older men.
05:10Reese, don't!
05:11Look, I really like this girl.
05:14Please!
05:15It's my first chance to see her since she moved away.
05:17I'm asking you as a brother.
05:20Please don't be a jerk and screw this up.
05:23Well, this desperate groveling is new for you.
05:27Keep it up.
05:27You call yourself the hockey team?
05:36We're going to beat McAllister Oil.
05:38You're going to have to play a hell of a lot better than that.
05:40You're making stupid mistakes.
05:43You're missing opportunities.
05:45You've got to keep your mind on the game.
05:47Are our paychecks here yet?
05:51Aren't you done with that sink yet?
05:54Are you kidding?
05:55There's more in here than when I started.
05:57You're not leaving until that sink is finished.
05:59It would go a lot faster if Eric were helping.
06:03I'm not letting my star player anywhere near that toxic filth.
06:06I slave away all day by myself just because he plays hockey.
06:11He doesn't just play hockey.
06:13He skates like the wind.
06:16And he's got a 70 mile an hour slap shot.
06:18Well, indoors, fresh ice.
06:21We're going to teach those thugs from the oil rig a lesson they'll never forget.
06:26Those chicks won't know what hit them.
06:29You're playing girls?
06:31Well, the men won't play us until we beat their ladies' team.
06:34We're fed up with those girls.
06:36They play dirty, they make fun of us, and they steal our women.
06:40Wow, people who are actually more humiliated than me.
06:44I'd love to see that.
06:46Wish granted.
06:47You're our new equipment manager.
06:49What?
06:50Rinaldo came down with jock lung.
06:53Here's your check.
06:56Here you go, Eric.
06:57There's a little something extra in there for you.
06:59Thanks.
07:00Wait a minute.
07:01There's no money in this check.
07:02It says I owe you $14.
07:05I didn't even buy anything last week.
07:07There have been some cost-of-living increases.
07:09Your room, your board, your pillow rental.
07:12Then there are those rubber gloves you insist on wearing, princess.
07:16This is insane.
07:17I'm not going to work 60 hours a week and still end up owing you money.
07:21I quit.
07:22Fine.
07:23Just give me the $604 you racked up since you got here.
07:27You're free to go.
07:28What?
07:29How could I possibly have $604 when you keep taking all my money?
07:34Shut up!
07:35And get back to work.
07:37And you better not let your equipment manager duties get in the way of your real work.
07:47Man, that sucks.
07:55Hello?
07:56Malcolm, great.
07:57It's me, Francis.
07:58Listen, I'm in a real bind up here.
08:00Francis, I don't have any money.
08:01Wait, hear me out.
08:02Tell mom they're sending all the smart kids to Washington, D.C.
08:06Hit her up for $600 and then just spend a long weekend at Stevie's.
08:10Reese, phone!
08:14Hello?
08:15Reese, great.
08:17Um, you know the hardware store on 2nd?
08:19Okay, they got a real slippery entryway.
08:21Dewey, phone!
08:23I don't know why I go to these things.
08:47Yes, I am so nervous.
08:50My stomach sounds like a bunch of dogs fighting.
08:53Listen to this.
08:55Put your ear down there.
08:56Hal, you'll be fine.
09:04What are you doing?
09:06Just keep moving.
09:07Hal, do you even know your new boss is here?
09:09Are you kidding?
09:10They're all here.
09:11There's Landon.
09:12He's the head of the whole company.
09:15Of course, the new guy's here.
09:16Don't talk nonsense.
09:18Well, you've never met the man.
09:19Do you even know who you're hiding from?
09:22That's a good point.
09:26Barry, is the new boss here yet?
09:29Yeah.
09:29He's right over there.
09:32Let me know when you're going to introduce yourself.
09:34Most of us figure you're going to set him on fire.
09:38Hey, no fair giving him ideas.
09:40Bet's off.
09:40Come on, fellas.
09:41I'm nervous enough as it is.
09:43Hal, we're just teasing you.
09:45Come on, you'll do fine.
09:48You and I both know that's a lie.
09:50Yeah, well, I tried.
10:04Oh, hi, Mom.
10:09Splendid day for a picnic.
10:11You want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
10:15The hard way.
10:16Spread them.
10:17Honey, I'm not always going to be around to do this.
10:31You have to control yourself.
10:34I know.
10:39Undies.
10:39Malcolm?
10:52Lori, hi.
10:53It is so good to see you.
10:58Yeah, good to see you, too.
11:01Wow, I can't believe how tall you are.
11:04Yeah, well, you know.
11:06Oh, man, I've missed you guys so much.
11:09I've missed you, too.
11:11I mean, we've all missed you.
11:14Everyone, not just me.
11:16Hey, are you doing that three-legged scavenger hunt?
11:19The what?
11:19They tie your leg to another person,
11:21send you up into the woods to find stuff.
11:23It might be fun.
11:24Plus, you can win $100.
11:26I just need a partner.
11:28Do you want to do it?
11:31Really?
11:32Yeah, sounds great.
11:34Cool.
11:36Is that your brother?
11:39Hi, Reese.
11:40Sorry, I'm gay.
11:42Okay.
11:53You work for the company, or are you a drag-along?
11:56Definitely a drag-along.
11:58Oh, me too.
11:59Me too.
12:00My husband drags me along to these functions,
12:02then he runs off and talks to his friends.
12:05I hide.
12:05Hide?
12:06From my kids.
12:09It's so great to have somebody to talk to.
12:11I'm really so bad at social situations.
12:16My psychiatrist says that I'm emotionally detached
12:19and that I have paranoid fantasies
12:22about what people are thinking about what people are thinking about me.
12:24I don't know why my husband married me.
12:26I don't know why my husband married me.
12:27I don't know why my husband married me.
12:28I married him, of course, because I'm addicted to disapproval.
12:43Oh, really?
12:44Oh, yeah, yeah.
12:49Of course, I only have myself to blame
12:51because he's exactly like my father was.
12:54Oh, my God.
12:55He was so judgmental.
12:58Every time I opened my mouth,
13:00I felt like I was torturing him.
13:01Oh, they're good.
13:27I got nothing on my boy.
13:29Hey, how's the diarrhea?
13:31You feeling all right?
13:33Tip top.
13:35Hey, coach, there's Lavernia.
13:36I hear she might actually have a team this year.
13:40You think we ought to adjust the front line?
13:42Clarence.
13:45Clarence.
13:46What?
13:48Oh, hey, Lavernia.
13:51I was afraid you'd show your face.
13:53Not that I was afraid you'd play me.
13:56Just that you'd show your face.
14:00Hello, Clarence.
14:02I thought you only gave your pep talks in your van.
14:05Aw, you get a boyfriend one of these days, you'll have that moment of bliss,
14:11and then you'll bite his head off and lay your rotten egg down his decapitated body.
14:17Oh, was that comment necessary?
14:19That's exactly why people don't like you.
14:22People like me, but they don't like me.
14:27I got a good feeling about today.
14:30Look at these girls.
14:31They're not so tough.
14:33Wait till I get out there.
14:34I'm gonna go...
14:35How's my breath?
14:55It seems fine.
14:57Not too minty?
14:58Because that could be just as bad.
14:59Oh, please give me back my compact.
15:08Okay, get in, get out.
15:10Just say hello and go.
15:12Mr. Landon, hello.
15:18Hey, Al.
15:19I told you about the first time I met this guy, right?
15:22The urinal cake guy.
15:24Oh.
15:26Unbelievable.
15:27But I didn't fire him.
15:29And he's turned out to be one of our finest systems managers.
15:32Well, just goes to show you that even a gibberin' idiot can surprise you.
15:37Oh, you know, sir, that would make a great chapter heading for your new book.
15:42I thought he dropped his pill case.
15:45Excuse me for being considerate.
15:48Hi, John Pratt.
15:50It is a pleasure to meet you.
15:52Hi.
15:54You are a hard man to find.
15:56I finally had to have someone point you out.
15:58Well, it's not like I'm avoiding you.
16:01I had heard you had a great sense of humor.
16:08I know it's just gonna be great working with you.
16:12Oh, yeah?
16:13Yeah.
16:17Well, I should get back to my family now.
16:20Oh, right, right.
16:21I'm sorry to hold you up.
16:23It is a real pleasure to meet you, Mr. Landon.
16:26Same here.
16:31All right, boys, you got ten minutes.
16:46Leave your wallets and other valuables in here.
16:48Now hustle up.
16:49You gotta get out on the ice and warm up.
16:52I don't think I can play.
16:54My glute cramped up on the ride over.
16:57You have to play.
16:59Go lay down on that table.
17:00Go lay down on that table.
17:02You.
17:04Get over there.
17:05Give him a good, strong massage.
17:07Work that knot out of his glute.
17:10Out of his what?
17:16No way.
17:17He's our goalie.
17:18We need him.
17:19No.
17:20Look, you owe me $604.
17:23You do this, I'll take off $1.50.
17:27$1.50?
17:27And if you don't, I'll charge you $50 for the ride home.
17:33The rest of you, get out there.
17:35Show him what you're out.
17:38Here.
17:39You're responsible for these valuables till after the game.
17:44Don't be afraid to dig in deep.
17:47If it helps, I'll unhitch the trap door.
17:58Get up, you idiot!
18:01What are you, stupid?
18:02I said hustle to the trees!
18:10Hustle!
18:12Hey, I was just hanging out in the locker room, and the other coach approached me.
18:16What's that gin-soaked, reptilian sack of dog logs trying to pull now?
18:22He wants to make a little wager with you on the outcome of the game.
18:27$642 to be exact.
18:30I don't bet.
18:31I earned my money, and I hold on to it.
18:34Yeah, he said you'd be afraid.
18:37Oh, he did?
18:39He also said that John Grisham was a hack, with no sense of plot and a tin ear for dialogue.
18:45What?
18:46He said that about Mr. Grisham?
18:49All right, he wants to bet.
18:52We'll bet.
18:53Tell him to make it $700.
18:55He was pretty adamant about the $642.
18:59Fine.
19:00Hey, Chuck!
19:02I need you to hold on to some bet money.
19:06Okay.
19:08That idiot Clarence has no idea what we've got in store for him.
19:20Easiest $700 I ever made.
19:25Bruno, what's up with my skates?
19:27The blades are so dull.
19:29Hey, somebody unscrewed mine.
19:32I got Vaseline all over my grip tape.
19:35Go, go, go, go, go!
19:40He is never home.
19:46The last time that we had dinner together was six months ago, and that was with his boss.
19:51Oh, and did I tell you about our anniversary?
19:54I bought $30 worth of candles.
19:56It was $30 worth, and I was wearing a negligee the size of a poster set.
20:01He walks in an hour late, goes straight to the computer, and spends the next six hours in a chat room.
20:06I drank an entire bottle of champagne, then I passed out, and I woke up the next morning with the dog flicking my face.
20:14And I actually thought it was my husband.
20:18I'm going to go see where my face is.
20:19I mean, as if he would ever show me any kind of affection.
20:23I mean, as far as he's concerned, I am still the fat lady that answered his psychiatrist's phone.
20:30I mean, in my mind, I do see myself as a 200-pounder, but I have seen the way that other men look at me.
20:39Wanda!
20:40Oh, it's so good to see you again.
20:43Oh, Wanda, this is Meg.
20:44Meg, this is Wanda.
20:45Why don't you two get to know each other?
20:46I'm going to get something to drink.
20:47I'll be right back.
20:48Um, so, how do you know Lois?
20:55Okay.
21:00I like your fun.
21:03I like you, too.
21:05Some of my candy?
21:09Ah!
21:10Ah!
21:10Ah!
21:10Ah!
21:12Ah!
21:12Candy!
21:14Ah!
21:15Ah!
21:15Ah!
21:16Ah!
21:16Ah!
21:17Ah!
21:18You fill up on that bread.
21:20Better you get sick on that than on candy.
21:22You understand me?
21:24I've got enough to worry about without you going crazy on me.
21:32Stay here!
21:33Hi, Lois.
21:48I'm just enjoying the shade.
21:49Did you meet your new boss yet?
21:51Yep.
21:52Well, how'd it go?
21:53Fine.
21:54Good guy.
21:54We really hit it off.
21:56What happened?
21:58What do you mean, what happened?
21:59It went well.
21:59It went well.
21:59He likes me.
22:01Is that such a hard thing to imagine?
22:03I made a good first impression.
22:04Hey, Mr. Landon!
22:06You should give me a little credit.
22:08Mr. Landon!
22:09Hey, boss!
22:10Is that man...
22:11Of course he isn't.
22:14Whatever you were going to say, whatever that was, he isn't.
22:17Hell, I'm not going anywhere until you...
22:19Lois!
22:20Lois!
22:24Gizzy!
22:25Mr. Landon!
22:30So, did I tell you that his mother is coming to visit me this week?
22:36I mean, she despises me, but at least she talks to me.
22:40My husband, on the other hand, hasn't said two words besides where's the remote and how
22:47far are those going to sag.
22:49This really isn't a good time.
22:51And every year, he has to go to this stupid get-together for his old friends from college.
22:57We're about to walk into this party, and he turns to me and he tells me not to say anything
23:02stupid.
23:03What?
23:03I mean, how's a person supposed to respond to that?
23:05I embarrassed him one time.
23:07I mean, big deal.
23:08I didn't know who Ernest Hemingway was.
23:09I mean, a lot of people.
23:13All right, girls.
23:14You're him.
23:15Okay!
23:16Pete and Kathy, you're Ernest.
23:20It is so great to see you again, Malcolm.
23:22Great to see you, too.
23:24For those of you without partners, we've done a random pairing.
23:29Mike and Christina.
23:31Reese and George.
23:33I'm Reese.
23:35I'm George.
23:37You can call me George.
23:39I can eat eight hot dogs.
23:44That's good, George.
23:47You've got to be kidding.
23:50It's really weird being away from all my friends I grew up with.
23:54I'll bet.
23:56Malcolm, can I ask you something?
24:00Sure.
24:00If you liked somebody, and you had no idea if they liked you back, would you say something?
24:09I've always thought honesty was a good thing.
24:13Me, too.
24:15But what if they lived too far away and it'd be really hard?
24:22I like you, too, Laurie.
24:24I really, really like you.
24:26Honestly, you have no idea.
24:28I've liked you for years.
24:30I think about you all the time.
24:32Oh, no.
24:34What?
24:36Oh, my God.
24:37I am so sorry.
24:40I was talking about Gary Spindler.
24:43Oh, no.
24:45Oh.
24:46It's okay.
24:47No, this is so humiliating, and it's all my fault.
24:51Oh, Malcolm, I am so sorry.
24:54Really, it's not that bad.
24:56Malcolm and Laurie.
25:02Now, remember, you're only going to be tied together for three hours, so let's get hopping.