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00:00The following program contains...
00:17...naughty bits.
00:20But before each naughty bit comes...
00:22We interrupt the intro of this show a little earlier this week to bring you...
00:25...more show.
00:26Smaller intro.
00:27More middle.
00:28Get it?
00:29Get off.
00:30You're interrupting my opening.
00:31Your opening?
00:32Who are you?
00:33I'm me.
00:34No, you're not.
00:35I'm me.
00:36You're me?
00:37No, I'm me.
00:38Don't be silly.
00:39That's me over there.
00:40Hi, me over here, here.
00:41And what a screaming umdingo we got for you today.
00:43I'd better get in shape for it.
00:45500 press-ups?
00:46Easy.
00:57That's better.
00:58We can't possibly dance to this.
01:01Hello.
01:02Spod here from the planet Fnion.
01:05I'd like to introduce my old cosmic buddy, Captain Kremen.
01:09He's not quite as butch as me though.
01:11He can't do this.
01:13But I dare say he doesn't want to.
01:20Hi kids, Kremen here.
01:21You remember last time, still marooned on the mud planet, I received a very important message from Earth.
01:27I have my husband with me.
01:29He shares all my ideals and all my affection for you.
01:37I suddenly felt an attack of land of hope and gloriness.
01:40I rose to my full six foot eight, turned to Narg, leader of the mud men, and spoke.
01:45How often do the Thargoids come to collect supplies of radioactive mud for their reactors?
01:50There is a shuttle coming tomorrow.
01:53How many guards are on board?
01:55Only one, but he's heavily armed.
01:57He's right, Captain.
01:58Huh?
01:59Those shuttle guards carry grunge bombs.
02:01Grunge bombs, huh?
02:03Hmm.
02:04Never fear.
02:05I have a plan.
02:06We sat around for the rest of the night, reviewing our situation, while the mud men had their evening meal.
02:12Deep fried ribs of mud with mud dressing, followed by mud madrelin and mixed mud from the trolley.
02:24Oh, Captain.
02:25I think I'm gonna be ill.
02:27No, wait, Carla.
02:28Don't go.
02:29What?
02:30I have an idea.
02:31Listen.
02:32Hey, that's terrific.
02:33It was nothing.
02:34You should hear the one that goes...
02:37That night, we decided not to sleep in the cave, but to venture out on what I was sure was to be our last night in the mud mines.
02:47As we stepped out into the night, the stars came out in heavenly splendor.
02:54Carla snuggled up to my vast, hairy, heaving chest.
02:58And together, we turned the darkness into cosmic bliss.
03:07Well, why ever not?
03:09Stay tuned, space groovers, and dig part two of your sexy, silly stereo space cereal in the Kenny Everett video show.
03:16Hi, Wondertart here.
03:19That was Captain Cranham, co-starring that hoary old rat bag, Carla.
03:25I wouldn't say she's got big feet, but she kick-starts Boeings.
03:29There she goes!
03:32And hopefully, there she stays.
03:36While you were watching that terrific sketch, I had a call from the upper offices from Lord Thames.
03:43And he said to me, it's a great show, it's moving along like a train on heat, but there's no parts of the show where you actually slow down and get to know the audience and sort of cuddle up with the listeners.
03:56So, I'm going to do that now.
03:58So, come on now, we'll have a nattery.
04:02Bit closer.
04:04Hello.
04:05It's great here, isn't it?
04:06It's lovely to talk to you like this, because, you know, I've been wanting to natter with you since the beginning of the show, but they said, you know, be wacky, Ken.
04:13So, anyway, here we are.
04:17You all right?
04:18Good.
04:19I thought we might, you know, get more intimate, you know, like we could have perhaps lunch one day.
04:24Why don't you ring my secretary?
04:26Or maybe we could, we could go out and see a show.
04:30Wait a minute, this is sounding expensive.
04:32Tell you what, let's go over to the other side of the studio and watch Elkie Brooks instead.
04:36Yeah.
04:39Pearl's a singer, she stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub.
04:56Pearl's a singer, she sang songs for the lost.
05:04And the lost.
05:05And the lost.
05:06And the lost.
05:07And the lost.
05:08And the lost.
05:09Her job is entertaining folks.
05:11Singing songs and telling jokes.
05:13In a nightclub.
05:14Pearl's a singer.
05:15And they say that she once was a winner in a contest.
05:16Pearl's a singer.
05:17And they say that she once was a winner in a contest.
05:18Pearl's a singer.
05:20Pearl's a singer.
05:21And they say that she once was a winner in a contest.
05:23Pearl's a singer.
05:25Pearl's a singer.
05:26Pearl's a singer.
05:27And they say that she once was a winner in a contest.
05:28Pearl's a singer.
05:29And they say that she once was a winner in a contest.
05:30Pearl's a singer.
05:31Pearl's a singer.
05:32Pearl's a singer.
05:34And they say that she once was a cutter record.
05:38They played it for a week or so.
05:41And they say that she was a cut record. They played it for a week or so on the local radio. They never made it.
06:01She wanted to be Betty Grable. And now she sits there at that beer-stained table. Dreaming of the things she never got to do.
06:27All those dreams that never came true. Pearl's a singer. She stands up when she plays the piano in a nightclub.
06:51Pearl's a singer. She sings songs for the lost and the loneliness.
07:03Her job is entertaining folks. Singing songs and telling jokes in a nightclub.
07:15Pearl's a singer. Pearl's a singer. She stands up when she plays the piano.
07:31Pearl's a singer. She stands up when she plays the piano.
07:47Her job is entertaining for singing songs, telling jokes in the nightclubs.
08:04Hello, Sid Snot here. Don't forget, playing your tranny loud, the noise of neighbours.
08:23Another good one is emptying your rubbish over the fence.
08:27Or tying bricks to the cat.
08:30Or thanking little old lady.
08:34Well, that was part one, and wasn't it great?
08:45But wait till part two. It'll give you a lift. Get it?
09:04So let's have fun.
09:21Fun!
09:25And now, here's Kenny Everett!
09:44Good evening. Arthur Chicken here.
09:46Have you seen Read All About It, that book programme?
09:50Boring!
09:52What we need is chicken books.
09:54And here are some good ones.
09:55A Tale of Two Chickens by Charles Chickens.
09:58Delicious!
09:59The Chicken Has Landed by Jack Chickens.
10:02Finger-licking good.
10:03And finally, The Ugly Chicken by Hans Chicken Anderson.
10:08Fiction!
10:09No such thing as an ugly chicken!
10:12Carry on!
10:14Ah, there you are.
10:16While you were away watching the ads, we here received this newsflash from ITN.
10:19To keep in line with our European Economic Community partners.
10:23Next Monday will be held on Thursday.
10:25Three o'clock is now moved to 8.15.
10:27And Shrove Tuesday now becomes Sheffield Wednesday.
10:29Hello.
10:30Sid Snot here.
10:31I come from a broken home, you know.
10:32I broke it.
10:33Commercial Time.
10:34Are you thin?
10:35I used to be thin.
10:36Friends played the sabre dance on my ribcage.
10:37I had to move around in the shower to get wet.
10:40That old one.
10:41Dogs buried me.
10:42Once I was even mugged by a stick insect.
10:45Then one day, a friend recommended Bulko.
10:47If you're thin and rather flat, skinny as a mangy cat, we can take good care of that.
10:51Bulko shows you where you're at.
10:52And that's fat.
10:53Bulko shows you where you're at.
10:54And that's fat.
10:55Bulko is a simple, easy-to-take routine of tablets.
10:58In only two weeks, you'll have a tablet like this.
11:00If you're thin and rather flat, skinny as a mangy cat, we can take good care of that.
11:05Bulko shows you where you're at.
11:06And that's fat.
11:07Bulko is a simple, easy-to-take routine of tablets.
11:10In only two weeks, you'll have a tablet like this.
11:11If you're thin and rather flat, skinny as a mangy cat, we can take good care of that.
11:26Bulko shows you where you're at.
11:28Pounds of pounds can be yours with Bulko.
11:31It's swell to swell.
11:32It's grand to expand.
11:34It's great to inflate.
11:35Red Skeleton, a tooting viewer, stopped tooting and tried Bulko.
11:39Two weeks of the treatment, and he walked into our office and got stuck in the door.
11:44So send 200 pounds now for your free sample of Bulko, enclosing your vital statistics and a picture of yourself in suspender belt and silk stockings.
11:54Ladies can wear whatever they like.
11:56Send to this address, Bulko Special, Kenny Everett, Thames Television, near England.
12:02So remember the name, Bulko!
12:06If you think I look pleased, it's because I know what's coming next.
12:16This next item carries a government health warning.
12:19It's a Thames naughty bit.
12:21Whoa!
12:22Cripes!
12:23Phew!
12:24It's the naughtiest bit we've shown yet.
12:26It's the naughtiest thing since naught was invented.
12:29Hoo hoo!
12:30It's tea break time at British Leyland.
12:33No that's not ...
12:34Ha ha!
12:37I met a gin-so-borrowed queen in withers
13:00She tried to take me upstairs for a ride
13:06But she had to hear me right across her shoulder
13:14Cause I just can't seem to drink it off my mind
13:25He's a honk, it's all ready
13:31Give me, give me, give me the honk and talkers
13:39I laid a divorce in New York City
13:47I had to put up some kind of a fire
13:55The lady, then she had covered me in roses
14:04She blew my nose and then she blew my mind
14:12It's a honk, honk, honk, honk, honk
14:20Give me, give me, give me the honk and talkers
14:26It's a honk, honk, honk, honk, honk
14:34It's a honk and talkers
14:42It's a honk, honk, honk, honk
14:51It's a honk, honk, honk, honk
14:53It's a honk, honk, honk
14:57It's a honk, honk, honk
14:59It's a honk, honk, honk
15:01It's a honk, honk, honk
15:03It's a honk, honk, it's a honk
15:05It's all it's all right
15:07Give me, give me, give me the hundred dollars
15:14It's all it's all right
15:22Give me, give me, give me the hundred dollars
15:35What a pleasant surprise
15:39Up to now the show's been almost acceptable
15:41Apart from one of two of the groups
15:44And the dancers, there's dancers
15:47When will they stop?
15:50And Lenny himself, that skin-tight shirt
15:53Hugging his biceps
15:55Turning the head of a poor innocent girl
15:57It's got to stop
15:58Pinky, Perky, where are you?
16:02Where are you?
16:05Remember how, in part one
16:09Captain Kremen and Carla
16:11Had just celebrated their last night
16:13On the mud planet
16:14Afterwards, we sat behind a rock
16:22And had a smoke
16:23Well, that was pretty good, huh, Carla?
16:24Oh, it was magnificent, Captain
16:26Yeah, it's difficult to improve on perfection
16:29But somehow I always seem to manage it
16:31Oh, Carla, I've got to give up this brand
16:45The next day, we eagerly awaited the arrival of the shuttle
16:49Which came to collect all the radioactive mud
16:52For the Thargoid furnaces
16:53To keep the evil swines in power
16:56It arrived on time and landed just near the cave
17:04The door slid open
17:06Out came the guard
17:09Pointed his grunge gun at us
17:11And bellowed
17:11Load the shuttle, you insignificant, mealy-mouthed scum
17:16While the mud men obeyed the command
17:20Carla whipped out some elastic from her space suspenders
17:23Here, Captain
17:24I plopped a fat, juicy mud pie in it
17:27And aimed it at the guard
17:28Take this, fiend!
17:34He reeled back as his big green eyes sizzled in agony
17:38I've got his gun, Captain
17:40Professor!
17:40Yes, Captain?
17:41Get all the mud men aboard
17:42We're gonna need their help
17:44Right away!
17:47Once we'd loaded all the mud men
17:49I took off
17:50As we approached the planet
17:53I had to steer carefully
17:55As all around it were poised atom bombs from Earth
17:58Just hanging there
17:59Mission uncompleted
18:00Oh, Captain, you're so brave and stuff
18:02It's nothing, Carla
18:03Hand me a fag, will you?
18:04But, Captain, you know what they...
18:05Just a slight attack of space nerves
18:07Well...
18:08Boy, wait till the Thargoids see what's in the hold
18:10Here
18:10They'll freak
18:13They'll...
18:14Bowling!
18:19There's a great sport
18:21The thrill of cramming your fingers in the holes
18:24Picking up that heavy ball
18:25Zooming it down the freeway
18:26And watching the skittles scatter
18:29Oh!
18:30But don't forget
18:30When you cram your fingers in and fling the ball
18:32Don't forget to let go of it
18:34Or this will happen
18:36Excuse me
18:38A trunk call
18:42Hello?
18:44Renaissance?
18:46Great!
18:46New disc?
18:47Ooh!
18:48Northern Lights!
18:50Hang on
18:50I'll be in in a minute
18:51Destination that we've found
18:55A turn to see the northern lights behind the wind
19:04The rise that seem to be back in me
19:06Learn how to cry to young, so now I live to save
19:09The northern lights are in my mind
19:11Destination that we've found
19:12A turn to see the northern lights behind the wind
19:13The rise that seem to be back in me
19:14Learn how to cry to young, so now I live to save
19:20The northern lights are in my mind
19:21Learn how to cry to young, so now I live to save
19:24The northern lights are in my mind
19:26They guide me back to you
19:28Rise and sing to beckon me
19:30Learn how to cry to young, so now I live to save
19:32The northern lights are in my mind
19:35They guide me back to you
19:39The rise and sing to beckon me
19:41Learn how to cry to young, so now I live to save
19:47You know it's hard away from you
19:51Traveling roads and passing through
19:54It's not for money and it's not for fame
19:57I just can't explain
19:59Sometimes it's lonely
20:01Mark in the space between the days
20:04Early hours pass away
20:06I sing to you of northern lights
20:09I sing for you of northern nights
20:17Past the future, here or there
20:24Shelter comes in words of you
20:26So talk to me
20:31I hear your voice encompass me
20:34In morning dreams
20:35I take your hand, will you walk with me?
20:42The northern lights are in my mind
20:47They guide me back to you
20:51This and full, this and I dare
20:54Home again
20:55I look for you and find you there
21:01Destination, homeward now
21:04Take the easy way, bring me down
21:06Making the hard way, now I see
21:09Hard to be really free
21:12I'm missing you nearly
21:14Marking the space between the days
21:16Early hours pass away
21:19I sing to you of northern lights
21:21I sing for you of northern nights
21:26The northern lights are in my mind
21:39They guide me back to you
21:43The northern lights are in my eyes
21:49They guide me back to you
22:01Hi kids, welcome once again to the Video Vault
22:04Deep in the bowels of Thames Television
22:06Where all the fab old programs are kept on videotapes
22:09And not only programs, but commercials too
22:11I bet you think you've seen some really weird, strange commercials in your time
22:15Bet you haven't seen one as strange as this
22:17It's from America, it's real, and it even stars The Lone Ranger
22:21Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:25Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:28Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:30Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:31Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:33Have pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:35What you're now a frozen appetizer
22:36What a terrible bomb
22:38It was something new
22:39Just briefly talked to
22:40To a potted poem
22:41Suddenly the cheetos
22:42Think the roll is here to save the day
22:43Appetizers now at last are edible
22:45That's why we say
22:46Have pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza roll
22:47I'd like to talk to you about that music you're using
22:51That's funny
22:53I've been meaning to speak to you people about the same thing
22:56Have a pizza roll, Kimo Sabi
22:58Look for Gino's pizza rolls and serve this new hors d'oeuvre
23:02Just take them out of the freezer, hop them in the oven for ten minutes
23:05That's it
23:06Who was that masked man anyhow?
23:08I don't know
23:09I don't know
23:10And I wanted to thank him
23:12Oh, pizza roll
23:14Over
23:15You see, even butch people eat pizza
23:23And next week we have some more stuff
23:25So stand by for stuff
23:27Good evening
23:28I'm sitting here with Justin Hayward
23:30And he's sitting here with me
23:32That's him
23:34And this is me
23:36Justin
23:37The Moody Blues have been together now since 1964
23:40A long time in the ephemeral world of what can only be described as pop culture
23:45In this considerable time span the Moody Blues must have witnessed many changes in the intrinsic nature of
23:50How can I put it?
23:51The framework, the context of an art form that has in itself an indefinable ethos
23:56At once material and yet intangible with particular relevance to the Moody Blues
24:01Would you agree with this hypothesis?
24:02Well, yes and no
24:04Justin Hayward's been telling us all about the Moody Blues
24:08But enough of analysis, let's go on with the show
24:11With his lovely new Disky Pool
24:13The summer sun is fading as the year grows on
24:28And our good days are drawing near
24:30And our good days are drawing near
24:35The winter winds will be much colder
24:43Now you're not here
24:47I'll watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky
24:59And one by one they disappear
25:06I wish that I was flying with them
25:13Now you're not here
25:17Like the sun through the trees you came to love me
25:25Like a leaf or a breeze you blew away
25:35Through autumn's golden gown we used to kick away
25:52You always loved this time of year
25:55You always loved this time of year
25:59Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now
26:07Cause you're not here
26:10Cause you're not here
26:14Cause you're not here
26:17Cause you're not here
26:21I don't trust king
26:23If you're not here
26:24I don't trust you
26:25You always loved this time of year
26:26After Пом tes work
26:28You saw...
26:30You never said before
26:43My dad loved him
26:44With her
26:46Like the sun through the trees, you came to love me
26:59Like a leaf on a breeze, you blew away
27:16A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes
27:26As if to hide a lonely tear
27:34My life will be forever autumn
27:41Cause you're not here
27:45Cause you're not here
27:48Cause you're not here
27:52Cause you're not here
28:07Cause you're not here
28:11Cause you're not here
28:14Well, that's the end of the show, and that's it.
28:28And I must go now because, phew, certainly takes it out of you, television.
28:33So I'm going back upstairs to my dressing room.
28:35I'll see you next week.
28:36Good night, and I love you.
28:39Ah!
28:42You f***ed.
28:44Help!
29:14That's really nice to see you next week.
29:16I hope you will hear a lot.
29:16Have a great day.
29:17Everybody have a great day.
29:21Bye.
29:22Bye.
29:27Bye.
29:28Bye.
29:29Bye.
29:30Bye.
29:31Bye.
29:31Bye.
29:32Bye.
29:33Bye.
29:33Bye.
29:34Bye.
29:34Bye.
29:35Bye.
29:35Bye.
29:36Bye.
29:36Bye.
29:37Bye.
29:38Bye.
29:40Bye.
29:41Bye.