Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Dillard!
00:23Thank you so much.
00:24Austin, how are you?
00:26Good?
00:27Are you feeling good?
00:30Good.
00:32Who gives a fuck?
00:34I like Austin because it's just the right amount of homeless people.
00:39L.A. has too many.
00:41Some cities don't have enough.
00:45Austin has the Goldilocks just right amount of homeless people.
00:50Austin has just enough homeless people to change the course of a morning walk.
00:56No.
01:07When I grew up, not everybody was homeless.
01:09Everyone's homeless.
01:10Now, it's...
01:12I don't know what happened.
01:14When I grew up, homeless, this was like three or four people.
01:16And they were fun.
01:18They were like fun.
01:19Remember when homeless people were fun?
01:22You would throw them nickels.
01:25They would do a jig and like...
01:28Or was that pigeon bitch from the movie who looked like me?
01:36Remember her?
01:37But now homeless people, like something's going on with the homeless.
01:43Like the homeless are not doing well.
01:48There's a lot of like...
01:52People are like, what's the solution?
01:57I'm like, oh, I don't even know what the problem is.
02:00I have no idea what's going on.
02:07They're like, it's a cost of living issue.
02:15Wait, what?
02:20Yeah, it's the interest rates.
02:24What are you talking about?
02:25Yeah, it's the interest rates.
02:27That's why.
02:27Yeah.
02:30He needs a job.
02:35How would that even work?
02:38Welcome to Geico.
02:42We'll meet your claims rep, I guess.
02:49LA's got a whole area of the city called Skid Row.
02:54And you've all heard of it.
02:56And it's just tents.
02:57That's it.
02:58It's just all homeless people.
03:00And it comes in handy.
03:02Because a friend of mine and his wife came in.
03:04They'd never been to California.
03:06They're from Nashville.
03:07It was Halloween.
03:08She was so excited.
03:10His wife was like, hey, y'all.
03:11Are there any fun haunted hay rides?
03:14I said, get in the car.
03:20People were lunging at the car.
03:22She's like, it feels like we could die.
03:27I'm like, we could definitely die.
03:34The LA City Council has given up.
03:37This is how much they've given up.
03:39I swear to God, they considered giving you a tax credit if you opened your house to a homeless person.
03:49I swear to God.
03:50They were like, you got a house.
03:53What are we even talking about?
03:56You hate taxes, right?
03:58Yeah.
03:59Well, meet your son.
04:02He's 38 years old.
04:04He loves fentanyl.
04:08Hug your boy.
04:10Hug your boy.
04:12Now.
04:16I don't have any friends in LA.
04:17I'm just friends with RFK and his wife.
04:20And that's all I need.
04:22That's all I need.
04:24Yeah.
04:25They're amazing.
04:27His wife, Cheryl, is the actress from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
04:31She's so sweet and optimistic.
04:33And, you know, he's less optimistic because the CIA killed his whole family.
04:36He's a little bit of a downer, you know.
04:43They killed everyone he ever met.
04:44They would, like, shoot his dog in the head and then look at him and go,
04:47Man, it sucks your dog brown.
04:56But I like going to dinner with them because they're an odd couple.
04:59They're a fun couple.
05:00They're an odd couple.
05:01You know, because you'll go to dinner with them.
05:03And she's like, I love strawberries.
05:05And he's like, there's a bomb in the car.
05:10Cheryl, don't get in the car.
05:12They're going to melt the skin off your face, Cheryl.
05:16You're going to die a horrible death like everyone I've ever met, Cheryl.
05:30They're like, this is a true story.
05:32When Trump nominated him, I was in Palm Beach, and I had brunch with him and her at Dr. Oz's house.
05:41It's fun, you know, and I'm sitting there.
05:44And he goes, play what he did.
05:47It's fun.
05:48And I'm like, and I'm like, we don't know.
05:54Fine.
05:55And then he plays my impression of him at the table for everyone.
06:05And everyone's laughing.
06:07And he's like, it's good.
06:14And I was like, this guy is kind of cool, you know.
06:16You know, that's a cool thing to, you know.
06:21He's going to ban the cheesy gordita crunch, and then I'm going to have to march.
06:31Like, fat people don't know what's coming.
06:33Like, he's serious.
06:34He's deadly serious about what.
06:38I mean, he's going after it all.
06:42You're going to pull up to Whataburger one day at 1 a.m.
06:45You're going to go, can I have a sweet and spicy bacon burger?
06:49No.
06:49No.
06:50Can I have a honey butter chicken biscuit?
07:01It's 1 a.m.
07:07Can I have a chocolate shake?
07:09They killed my family.
07:12They killed my whole family.
07:20I love him.
07:21I love him.
07:22I love him.
07:28I don't know how to fix the Middle East.
07:33I thought about it on the way here.
07:36But I have nothing.
07:37I don't.
07:38I don't.
07:39But you've got to have an opinion, no matter your level of education.
07:44It's your job.
07:45You're an American.
07:47I have friends that call me from Long Island.
07:49And they go, I don't know what's going on over there.
07:51But here's what I think.
07:54And I'm like, sure, you're a DJ.
07:55What are we going to do?
07:58What?
08:00You sell Molly in an Applebee's parking lot?
08:03What?
08:04Where do you?
08:06What do you think we should do?
08:09Like, when this whole thing happened.
08:11When Hamas, you know, paraglided into Israel, which was fucked up.
08:18But it was new.
08:24Well, it was.
08:25I thought it was the Amazing Race.
08:27I had no idea what it was.
08:34True story.
08:34A day after that, I was in Malibu, California.
08:37And there was a guy paragliding on the beach.
08:39And I was like, sir, is this the time?
08:48Feels insensitive.
08:51And the thing is, it's like, you gotta have an opinion.
08:56I think it's good to have a fake opinion.
08:59You get in.
09:00You get passionate.
09:01You get out.
09:03In.
09:04You rev up.
09:05You get out.
09:09So as soon as that happened, I was going into places.
09:12I was like, that's fucked up.
09:14These people have been suffering for thousands of years.
09:17And they're like, which ones?
09:18And I'm like, ah!
09:18I spend a lot of time in L.A.
09:28And the problem is, in L.A., there are a lot of Jews that look Muslim.
09:33And Muslims that look Jewish.
09:36And it's a lot of like...
09:37And you'll sit down for lunch at a bar with these guys.
09:45You know, and they're tan.
09:46And they've got a beard.
09:48Could go either way.
09:51And they're all eating hummus.
09:53No help there.
10:00And then it's just me.
10:01And they look at me.
10:02They're like, what's going on over there?
10:04It's so fucked up.
10:04I'm like, yes!
10:07But tell me why.
10:10And they're like, the violence.
10:11I go, sure.
10:13But specifically.
10:17Which violence is the one?
10:18Because I agree.
10:20With you.
10:20I'm...
10:21Who do we hate?
10:22I'm in.
10:23You tell...
10:23You tell me who we hate.
10:25I'll do it.
10:26I'm with you.
10:28Kill them all.
10:29I'm with...
10:30Who is all?
10:31I...
10:32Yes.
10:32Kill.
10:33Kill them all.
10:35Agreed.
10:38I'm sure.
10:39But who is all?
10:42The Tartarus.
10:43It's nice.
10:44All.
10:45All of...
10:47Are we killing them in one place?
10:50Are they spread out?
10:51That'll help.
10:51Just tell me.
10:53Tell me.
10:56Give me a hint.
10:57Anything?
10:58What kind of hat and scarf combo?
11:01Do they like...
11:03I don't know.
11:04What is it?
11:05I think we should send Meghan Markle and that lizard she married to Gaza.
11:18Let them figure it out.
11:20They want to be diplomats?
11:22Let them figure it out.
11:23They left a castle because people were mean.
11:30What a fucking millennial move that was.
11:34You never leave a castle.
11:36You stupid cunts.
11:38You never leave a castle.
11:40People die to get in.
11:43You don't leave.
11:43I'm a gay person.
11:45I don't give a fuck how homophobic the royal family is if I lived in their castle.
11:50I would never leave.
11:52They could open my door every morning, throw piss on my face.
11:56Go, good morning, faggot.
11:57And I'd go, hello?
12:02What?
12:03I'd be riding a horse.
12:05They'd be like, look at the faggot.
12:06What's for dinner?
12:09I love you, mom and dad.
12:11Every family has problems.
12:13Everyone.
12:19They have a three-hour documentary on Netflix about how hard it is to live in a castle.
12:27Three hours.
12:30Not one.
12:31Three.
12:34I want to show that three-hour documentary to a kid from Syria with his arm blown off.
12:43I want to say, come here, buddy.
12:45Take a look at a real victim, okay?
12:49And you're going to work tonight, too.
12:50Don't think you're getting out of work.
12:52Look at how sad she is when Beyonce is texting her.
12:55Look how sad.
12:57What happened to you?
12:58You were just playing soccer and all your soul was fire?
13:01Yeah.
13:04Anyway, she's very sad here.
13:06She lives in Montecito now.
13:08That's by the ocean.
13:11That's the blue behind her as she's crying.
13:13The ocean.
13:13The Pacific Ocean.
13:15She's sad.
13:16She's sad.
13:16You guys dating a long time?
13:26This is your little brother.
13:27Okay.
13:27There's many people here that are very aroused.
13:45Good for you.
13:46You guys get along.
13:47A lot of siblings don't like each other.
13:49We're besties.
13:50You're besties.
13:51Okay.
13:52It's weird now.
13:56No, it's good.
13:57Thank you for calling.
13:57This is probably his idea, but thank you for, you know.
14:00He'll go to something you like.
14:03He'll go to one of your podcasts.
14:05The female podcasts are so aggressive, like the titles of the female podcasts.
14:12Like, they're all like, feed me, faggot.
14:15You're like.
14:21It's like avocado in my conch.
14:23You're like, why is this so insane?
14:27Why is this so intense?
14:30Do you work?
14:31What do you do?
14:32I'm a flight instructor.
14:34You get ever nervous in a plane?
14:35You don't fly if it's bad weather.
14:38You don't fly if it's bad weather.
14:39But it happens.
14:41It comes out of nowhere.
14:43Have you been in a plane?
14:50Do you work?
14:51Do you go to school?
14:52I work in the sheriff's office.
14:53Sheriff's office is very, very cool.
14:55Boo!
14:58This criminal is angry.
15:00This guy's really mad.
15:02Boo!
15:04Boo!
15:05She's my wife.
15:08I can hit her if I want.
15:11Boo!
15:16The government's lied about so much shit, you just can't trust anything.
15:19Like, I remember when Trump got shot and they were like, oh, well, first of all, no one
15:25even talks about that anymore.
15:27Like, nobody even remembers that.
15:29That Secret Service bitch seemed a bit guilty.
15:31I know she was guilty because she had the same face that I make when somebody asked if I'm still on the ketogenic diet.
15:41She was like...
15:42And then they were like, we couldn't put a sniper on that roof because it was sloped.
15:56Here's how not sloped that roof was.
15:58They shot that guy.
15:59He died.
15:59And his body didn't roll off the roof.
16:02I've taken bong hits on acid on roofs with more of a pitch than that roof.
16:12That's, like, such an insane thing to say, you know?
16:17You can't trust anything anymore.
16:20We're all supposed to be afraid of China.
16:22That's a big thing.
16:23We're supposed to be terrified of China.
16:24I'm not.
16:25My godson is Chinese.
16:27He's three years old.
16:28He's adorable.
16:29He does not recognize the sovereignty of Taiwan.
16:34That's his politics.
16:36He believes in one China.
16:37That's his thing.
16:39And his parents bring him to my house, and I go, make the one.
16:42One China.
16:43It's cute, you know?
16:44Make the one.
16:45It's fun with your uncle, you know?
16:47Make the one.
16:48One China.
16:49That's your belief.
16:50One China.
16:51And then a few days later, I swear to God, his school was doing class photos.
16:58This was the first class photo he had ever taken, and he's standing dead center in the
17:04first row of all the kids, like this.
17:14And the teacher called their house.
17:16I happened to be over.
17:18She's like, he's so cute.
17:19Why does he do that one?
17:21Is it like school's number one?
17:25And I grabbed the phone.
17:27I said, he's a Chinese nationalist.
17:32He believes in the invasion and occupation of Taiwan.
17:37Why don't you ask him about his politics, you stupid bitch?
17:40He's the future of this country, not you.
17:44He's the leader, not you.
17:46You work for him.
17:47He's actually Filipino, but we lie.
18:01It's so funny what we fight about in America.
18:03We're going to ban TikTok, or we're not.
18:06I don't know.
18:07I don't care how you feel about that.
18:09At a certain age, you've got to shut up.
18:12Like, I'm 39 years old, and I have friends that are still, they're like, they can't ban
18:17TikTok.
18:18I'm like, hey, Ralph.
18:20Sit out.
18:22Sit this out.
18:23They can't ban that child's dancing app.
18:29Ralph.
18:32This looks terrible.
18:33Please.
18:34Stop.
18:35Where am I going to watch children dance?
18:38All right.
18:39Hey, enough.
18:40But the reason the government gives is amazing.
18:47They're like, we've got to ban TikTok because China is spying on you.
18:51I was like, okay.
18:53But you are also spying on us.
18:57They're like, yeah, but they're doing it in a Chinese way.
19:04We're just goofing around.
19:06They're being Chinese about it.
19:12We're blowing off steam at work.
19:14They're Chinese.
19:16Do you see the difference?
19:18Not really, no.
19:20I hope China is spying on us with TikTok.
19:26I hope they spent billions of dollars to get that app on everybody's phone so they could
19:32harvest all the intelligence.
19:36The vital, meaningful intelligence on TikTok.
19:43I hope they have to watch every TikTok video ever made.
19:47I hope the Chinese military, there's just a general in a room, expressionless, watching
19:55every xanied out, housewife, like, every waffle house brawl, people beating the shit out of
20:07each other with hash browns.
20:08He's just sitting there, no expression.
20:11We're the only country that kills at breakfast.
20:13We're the only country where people put down a glass of orange juice and go, fuck it.
20:18Let's go.
20:19Let's go right now.
20:20I'll kill you right now in front of my daughter who's eating French toast.
20:24I'll kill you.
20:26It's 10 a.m.
20:27I'm not saying TikTok is great.
20:33There's problems.
20:35There's a girl on TikTok right now identifying as a hawk.
20:40I don't care what your politics are.
20:42That's not ideal.
20:45That some of our children think they're birds.
20:47That's not the goal.
20:49But that's not her fault.
20:54That's her parents.
20:55If your daughter thinks she's a hawk, that is not her.
20:58That is on you.
21:00That is on you.
21:01That is a girl that's never been told, come here, honey.
21:03Come here.
21:04Come here.
21:04Come here, honey.
21:05Get over here.
21:05Come here.
21:06Shut the fuck up.
21:08She's never been pushed down the stairs like, fly.
21:15See, you can't.
21:16You're a liar and a whore.
21:19And you wasted everybody's time.
21:21Now go to the vet with a broken arm and tell him you're a hawk, you fucking narcissist.
21:26You're a narcissist and a liar.
21:28And we're sick of your shit.
21:29You're not a hawk.
21:31You're nothing.
21:32You're a communications major at a liberal arts school that I pay for.
21:36I have a drinking problem.
21:38I can't deal with your shit.
21:41You're nothing.
21:42You don't fly.
21:43You don't go anywhere.
21:45You don't get your own fucking food.
21:47You're a liar.
21:48You fuck this family up.
21:49But she doesn't have, she has like white family that go, I love hawks.
22:05I love birds.
22:06Like, you know, you don't need that.
22:09You know?
22:10You can't talk to kids anymore the way I was talked to.
22:16It just doesn't work.
22:18Can't do it.
22:19And listen, is it good that kids are all about their mental health?
22:22Yes.
22:24They're right.
22:25Is it annoying?
22:26Yes.
22:28Do we hate them?
22:30Yes.
22:31All of that is true.
22:33But they're correct.
22:34Like, I have friends whose kids go up to them and they go, they go, I have mental problems
22:38and I need to deal with this.
22:40And my friends go, good for you.
22:42I'm here if you need me.
22:44I could have never had that conversation.
22:48If I went up to my father and I was like, dad, I have mental problems.
22:51He'd go, shut the fuck up.
22:54You and your mother have ruined my life.
22:57You're both fat and our house is disgusting.
23:01It's always a mess when I get home.
23:03I get in my car and I drive to a job I hate so I can buy food for you and your fat mother.
23:11And I come back to this home and it's filthy every night.
23:14It's disgusting.
23:15And I hate myself.
23:16And I want to kill myself.
23:17And I want to kill you and your mother.
23:19You're fat and I hate you.
23:21And I hate my life.
23:22And I hope we all die.
23:25And I would go, thanks a lot, dad.
23:28And he'd go, anytime you need to talk, I'm here.
23:32I love you, son.
23:33I love you, too.
23:34I appreciate that.
23:41A lot of mental illness now in America.
23:43There's tons.
23:44You know?
23:45A lot of it.
23:46If you don't have a mental illness, get one.
23:51Get one.
23:52And people will tell you now how fucked up they are.
23:56People just unload on you.
23:58People used to have shame.
23:59And what that meant was that they would hide things about themselves that were unflattering.
24:05That's shame.
24:06I don't want to tell you something about me that makes me look bad.
24:11That was a thing for a very long time.
24:14That is no longer a thing.
24:17And some of that should come back.
24:22Because now you go to lunch with somebody and you're like, want to split wings?
24:25They're like, I have borderline personality disorder.
24:28You're like, all right, buffalo?
24:36Barbecue?
24:37What are you?
24:40My friend thinks he has that borderline personality disorder.
24:45He told me that.
24:47He goes, I have borderline.
24:48I go, what does that mean?
24:49He goes, it means I ruin every relationship in my life.
24:52I'm like, oh, you're a piece of shit.
24:58What is the test for that?
25:00How does that get determined?
25:03And then there's bipolar.
25:04And bipolar is like the sexy one because it's a little mysterious.
25:08You know?
25:09Bipolar is like a little, you know.
25:11I'm a bipolar whore.
25:22Or I'm not.
25:28My mother was an OG.
25:31She was a schizophrenic.
25:32She didn't diagnose herself on LinkedIn like these faggot kids.
25:35My mother was a real psychopath.
25:38And we locked her up.
25:39That's what you do with psychos.
25:41You put them in a cell.
25:43You say you want to go out to eat.
25:44And then you visit them once a year.
25:50You know how I know schizophrenia is real?
25:53Nobody's pretending to have that.
25:57Nobody's getting out of work like that.
26:00Nobody's calling up.
26:01And they're like, hey, I can't come in.
26:02They're like, oh, you do sound bad.
26:07Take the day.
26:09Take the day.
26:12I know anxiety and depression are bad.
26:14I get it.
26:15I've had them.
26:16I know they're bad.
26:17But you know you have them.
26:20You'll tell people.
26:21You'll go, I'm depressed.
26:22And they'll go, that sucks.
26:26If you went up to my mother and you were like, Patty, you're a schizophrenic.
26:30She'd go, oh, really?
26:32Just because they're poisoning my food.
26:34Just because Koreans are following me.
26:40That was her thing.
26:41I don't know why.
26:42I walked into my house once.
26:44I was really high.
26:44I was 15 years old.
26:46And I walk in.
26:46She goes, hey.
26:47I go, yeah.
26:48She goes, Koreans are following me.
26:50But don't worry.
26:51They're protecting me.
26:53And I went, good shit.
26:54But that's how I knew that gymnast at the Olympics was full of shit.
27:04When she was like, I can't compete.
27:06I have mental problems.
27:08And I'm like, that's not how it works.
27:10You don't have enough mental problems.
27:11I know real lunatics.
27:13And real lunatics compete.
27:18If you went to my mother's mental institution and you were like, Patty, you're going to the Olympics.
27:24She'd go, yes, I am.
27:27And we'd put her fat ass in a wheelchair.
27:30And we'd roll her onto the mat.
27:32And we'd go, what's your event?
27:34And she'd go, Obama's a Muslim.
27:35We'd go, ah.
27:39She's been preparing decades to represent her country in that event.
27:48Why have sports at the Olympics if you can get out of it for having a bad day?
27:52Fuck it.
27:53Let's give people medals based on how fucked up their lives are.
27:56It'll take a half hour.
27:58Oh, you were molested.
27:59Bronze.
28:01You were molested by your father.
28:03Silver.
28:04You molested your father.
28:06Gold.
28:09Puff Daddy is having a difficult holiday season.
28:20Well, he is.
28:22Regardless of how we, you know.
28:25But I get it.
28:26I get that's a good reason to cancel somebody.
28:29You know?
28:30He's a demon.
28:31Fuck him.
28:32Throw him in jail.
28:33But then there's people that got canceled for doing nothing wrong.
28:38What the fuck did Lizzo do?
28:40Lizzo got canceled for what?
28:42She got canceled by her own people.
28:44Her own backup fats.
28:47Tried to cancel their mother.
28:48These ungrateful piglets tried to cancel their mother.
28:53She gave them life.
28:54She found those bitches at Chick-fil-A.
28:56And if gas station's having milkshakes, you can't be a fat backup dancer.
29:02That's not even a job.
29:04I can't stand behind Taylor Swift.
29:08I'd be tased by the government.
29:11And these fat bitches had the one job they'd ever get.
29:14How do you quit that job?
29:15How hard could those routines have been?
29:17Half of them are out of oxygen.
29:22Just like...
29:23Lizzo had a show to find these women called Lizzo.
29:32Here come the big girls.
29:34Which sounds like a threat.
29:39It sounds like something you hear on a police scanner, you know?
29:42Here come the big girls.
29:43Get on the horse.
29:45Don't fuck around.
29:46These are the big girls.
29:48Get on the horse now.
29:52And the premise of this show was that morbidly obese women
29:57who'd always dreamed of being backup dancers.
30:04But they'd been denied that by the Illuminati.
30:10And gravity.
30:13The original conspiracy to keep a big bitch down.
30:16Like, let's be honest.
30:21And Lizzo abused them a little bit.
30:23She fucked them up a little bit.
30:24She was mean.
30:25She was rude.
30:26So what?
30:28A hot bitch making fun of fat chicks?
30:30Not cool.
30:32Lizzo doing it?
30:34Hilarious.
30:35It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
30:40If you're a fat bitch and you turn around to your backup dancers,
30:43a bunch of fatty boom baddies,
30:44and you turn around and go,
30:45get it together, you fat slobs.
30:47And they're all just like,
30:55they're suing her in a court,
31:02like in a real court.
31:08Not a candy court,
31:10like a real,
31:11not a chocolate court,
31:12and a judge is going to walk in
31:17and he's going to look at Lizzo
31:18and all her backup dancers
31:19and go,
31:19ladies,
31:21I can't tell any of you apart.
31:25So I'm giving you all a gift certificate
31:27to Dairy Queen
31:28because you're all Dairy Queens.
31:31And I love you.
31:36You know?
31:38That's all there is to do in that situation.
31:40You know?
31:41Can't do anything else.
31:43Celebrities,
31:43a lot of them are using a Zempic,
31:45which is great.
31:45Just don't lie about it.
31:47Khloe Kardashian had the nerve
31:48to say,
31:49she's like,
31:50I got a trainer.
31:54Bitch,
31:54you have a new head.
31:57You didn't get a trainer.
31:58You got a necromancer.
31:59You went into the woods.
32:01You dug up the body
32:03of an indigenous child.
32:04You sucked out its soul.
32:06That's sorcery.
32:07That's not sit-ups.
32:08That's fine.
32:09But don't lie.
32:10Don't lie about what it is.
32:15Comedy takes you to interesting places.
32:17I was in Finland recently.
32:20And the woman who booked me
32:21came up to me.
32:22She said,
32:22hey,
32:22can I ask you a question?
32:24I said,
32:24yeah.
32:25She goes,
32:25do you have any school shooting material?
32:29I was like,
32:30yes.
32:31And she said,
32:34well,
32:34you can't do it
32:35today.
32:37And I said,
32:37why?
32:38She said,
32:38we just had a school shooting.
32:40I said,
32:40I'm really sorry.
32:41How many kids died?
32:42She said,
32:43one.
32:44I said,
32:45fuck you.
32:47I'm from the United States
32:49of America.
32:50You insensitive bitch.
32:52One dead kid
32:53is a good day.
32:57One dead kid
32:58wouldn't get you
32:59off the phone
32:59if you were on the phone
33:01and your kid came in
33:02and said,
33:02there was a shooting today
33:03and one kid died.
33:04You go,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah,
33:04yeah.
33:05Where does the cruise go?
33:06And the school shooting story
33:16I had,
33:16it was a real story
33:17and it was a false alarm
33:18so you don't have to be upset.
33:20My friend called me
33:21and her 15-year-old son
33:22was in school.
33:23He sent her a text.
33:24He said,
33:24mom,
33:25there's an active shooter
33:25and I'm hiding
33:27and if anything happens
33:28I want you and dad
33:30to know that I love you
33:30which is like
33:32a terrible text to get
33:33but sweet
33:34because of the
33:40I love you at the end.
33:43I never would have sent
33:45that text
33:46at 14 years old
33:48to my parents.
33:49I would have been like,
33:50mom and dad,
33:51there's an active shooter
33:51and I'm hiding
33:52and if anything happens,
33:54let's be honest,
33:55none of us really
33:56put in the effort.
33:57There's an active shooter
34:00at this public school
34:01you send me to
34:02for free.
34:03What were the chances?
34:05Pretty good.
34:06Don't let that haunt you
34:08at the funeral
34:08if you can afford one
34:09you lazy piece of shit.
34:11By the way,
34:12these texts
34:12are going out green.
34:13Are you even on Wi-Fi
34:15you scumbag?
34:23This Rainy Street killer
34:24is something, huh?
34:25They're throwing people
34:27in the lake.
34:29What do you think
34:30about that, ma'am?
34:31I have a husband
34:32who works in the parks
34:32and rec.
34:33Okay, you have a husband
34:34who works in the parks
34:35and rec.
34:36And his insight is that
34:37there's just way too
34:39many drunk people.
34:40And there's just way
34:40too many drunk people.
34:41Well, here's the thing.
34:42We know there's way
34:43too many drunk people.
34:44We also now know
34:46that your husband
34:46is the killer.
34:56She's like,
34:57there's so many drunk people
34:58my husband literally
34:59comes home
34:59with their blood
35:00all over his body.
35:03Every night
35:04he comes home
35:05bloody and exhausted.
35:06He's got dirt
35:07all over him.
35:08I'm like,
35:09were you swimming
35:09in the lake?
35:10He's like,
35:10I was trying to save
35:11a drunk guy
35:12who was drowning
35:15and he bit me
35:16in the neck
35:17as I was saving him
35:18and he clawed me.
35:19It's crazy.
35:26I hope it's true.
35:27You need a killer.
35:29You need a killer.
35:31Especially Austin.
35:32There's too many
35:32confident tech people
35:33jogging.
35:35It's like,
35:35a few of them
35:38should think
35:39it's at least
35:39a possibility.
35:40You know what I mean?
35:41Like,
35:45it's good to have that.
35:48It's a tough way
35:49to die though,
35:49just in the middle
35:50of the lake
35:50going down.
35:52Surrounded by real estate
35:53you can't afford.
35:56It's just the final
35:57scroll on Zillow.
35:58You know,
35:58God,
35:59that's a beautiful
36:00backyard.
36:00You're from Texas,
36:11you got the shirt?
36:13Well,
36:13you grew up here?
36:14Yeah.
36:14How long?
36:1626 years.
36:1726 years,
36:18good for you.
36:19What town
36:19you grew up in?
36:20Austin and Fort Worth.
36:21Broken home.
36:24It's me too.
36:26You're like,
36:27a little Austin,
36:27little Fort Worth.
36:28I'm like,
36:28and a lot of tears.
36:32This is a lovely woman.
36:33You guys dating?
36:34Yeah.
36:34Well,
36:34you guys are really cute.
36:35You're a cute couple.
36:37I hope it works.
36:38You guys,
36:38what do you do?
36:40Okay,
36:40what about you?
36:43FinTech.
36:44You're both disgusting.
36:50I'd rather this couple
36:51of incestuous,
36:53this woman who pretends
36:57she flies,
36:57and then this fucking,
36:59you know,
37:00corrections officer
37:00is probably running
37:01fight clubs in a jail.
37:03And who cares
37:04if they have sex
37:05and they're related?
37:05It doesn't matter.
37:07You see these tech
37:08pieces of shit?
37:09They look like human beings.
37:10You want to like them?
37:12Like,
37:12oh,
37:12yeah,
37:12your parents are divorced,
37:13so are mine.
37:14You're probably cool.
37:15And then she's like,
37:15I'm in tech.
37:16And he's like,
37:16I'm in FinTech.
37:17And you go,
37:18oh,
37:18fuck off.
37:21This fucker,
37:22you know,
37:22came up with Venmo
37:23or something.
37:25You used to be able
37:26to get out of shit.
37:27You used to be able
37:27to go,
37:28yeah,
37:28I know.
37:30Now they're like,
37:30well,
37:30you Venmo me.
37:31You're like,
37:31fuck.
37:32Yeah,
37:35all right,
37:36I guess we'll do that.
37:40We could also,
37:41you know,
37:41never see each other.
37:45We fight about
37:45the trans kid issue a lot.
37:47That's a big issue,
37:48huh?
37:48Well,
37:48the trans children,
37:50I don't care.
37:51I don't have any trans kids
37:52because I don't have any kids.
37:55That's math.
37:57But if I found a kid
37:58and I was going to raise him,
37:59like if I had a son
38:00and he was like,
38:00dad,
38:00I'm trans,
38:01I'd be like,
38:01good,
38:02great,
38:02fine.
38:03You want a pussy?
38:04Fine.
38:05But we're getting it
38:05tonight.
38:08Shit or get off the pot.
38:10You want a pussy?
38:11You'll wake up with a pussy.
38:12Get in the car.
38:13Get in the car.
38:15And I'll spend good money
38:16on my son's pussy.
38:17I'll spend good money
38:19on my son's pussy.
38:21I'm not going to take him
38:22to Mexico,
38:23get him a cheap pussy.
38:24It gets infected.
38:26He gets gangrene.
38:27He gets a blood clot.
38:28It goes to his head.
38:29He has a stroke.
38:30People go,
38:30what happened to your son?
38:31I'm like,
38:31sit down.
38:31It's a story.
38:33I'm going to get him
38:34an expensive pussy,
38:36but I'm going to make him
38:36show it to people
38:37at Christmas.
38:38I'm going to go
38:38take it out right now.
38:41Look at his pussy,
38:42ma.
38:42$30,000.
38:43Smell it.
38:44Smell his pussy.
38:45Smell your grandson's pussy.
38:46$30,000.
38:47Do not be shy.
38:49Your rich faggot father
38:51bought you a pussy.
38:53And it's Christmas
38:54and it's God's birthday
38:55and he wants to see
38:56your pussy too.
38:57Show your pussy to God
38:59right now.
39:00Show your new pussy
39:02to God.
39:03That joke will not be for everyone.
39:16I did that at a fundraiser
39:18the other night
39:19and the woman who booked me
39:21was like,
39:22what's wrong with you?
39:23I said, listen,
39:24we're going to be
39:25the first generation of people
39:26to buy our children genitals
39:28and then we're going to have
39:29to take them back
39:30because they don't
39:31appreciate it.
39:32Oh, you got a C in math?
39:35Give me your cock.
39:37Give me your cock,
39:39young lady.
39:40I'm not playing around
39:41with you.
39:42It's going in the drawer
39:43next to your sister
39:44brother's tits.
39:45Give me your cock.
39:47No daughter of mine
39:48is going to get a C in math
39:49and keep her cock.
39:50Give me your cock
39:51right now.
39:53Listen to me.
39:54I'm your mother
39:54and I'll look just like this.
39:56I'm your mother!
39:59Good night, everybody.
40:02Thank you so much.
40:04You guys are so much fun.
40:06Thank you to Joe Rogan.
40:07Thank you, Austin.
40:08We love you guys.
40:09Do not get in a plane with her.
40:11Thank you so much.
40:12I like incest.
40:14Thank you so much.
40:15Give it up for incest.
40:17Kill the tech people outside.
40:18Kill them if you see them.
40:19Kill them.
40:21Good night.