Burns and Allen were an American comedy duo consisting of George Burns and his wife, Gracie Allen. They worked together as a successful comedy team that entertained vaudeville, film, radio, and television audiences for over forty years.
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00:00Another cup of Maxwell House coffee, George?
00:02Sure, pour me a cup, Gracie.
00:04You know, Maxwell House is always good for the last drop.
00:08And that drop's good, too.
00:10Yes, it's Maxwell House coffee time, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen.
00:23With yours truly Toby Reed, Gail Gordon, Hans Conreid, Frank Nelson,
00:27Meredith Wilson and the Maxwell House Orchestra, and Bill Goodwin.
00:31For America's Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie.
00:35And for America's everyday coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House.
00:41Always good to the last drop.
00:53Well, as we join the Burnses today,
00:55we find George walking slowly home from the cigar store,
00:58accompanied by his friend, Bill Goodwin.
01:03I guess I should explain why I'm walking so slowly, Bill.
01:06Oh, you don't have to explain, George.
01:08I see the leaves rustling.
01:10Well, what's that got to do with me walking slowly?
01:13Well, there's a little breeze, and you're bucking it.
01:17No, no, no, no.
01:18That's not it.
01:19I'm in no hurry to get home,
01:22because I know what's cooking.
01:24Say, there are two more shopping days until Easter,
01:27and Gracie's going to ask me for money to get a new outfit.
01:29Oh, well, then I'd better not come in with you, George.
01:32I hate to see a grown man cry.
01:36No, it's not the money.
01:37I don't care about that.
01:38It's the way she tries to get it.
01:41Every year, she goes through the same routine.
01:43She flatters me.
01:44Now, watch.
01:45The minute I walk into the door,
01:46she'll say,
01:47My, you're handsome today.
01:49Then she'll say,
01:50What sex appeal?
01:52You're kidding.
01:53Yeah.
01:55Then she'll say,
01:57What a big, broad chest.
01:59What a slim, narrow waist.
02:02Oh, no.
02:02Oh, yeah.
02:04And then she'll say,
02:05What strong, straight legs.
02:07After that, she asks me for the money.
02:11George, you're making this up.
02:12No, I'm not.
02:13Well, here we are.
02:14I'll show you.
02:15Oh, hello, boys.
02:16Hi, Gracie.
02:17Good morning, dear.
02:18My, you're handsome today.
02:22See you, Bill?
02:23What sex appeal.
02:25I told you.
02:26What a big, broad chest.
02:28Sure, sure.
02:29What strong, straight legs.
02:31You left out the waist.
02:33Oh, yeah.
02:34What a slim, narrow waist.
02:37Now back to the legs.
02:39Hmm, what strong, straight legs.
02:42Well, that's the end of the routine.
02:43That doesn't mean it.
02:44You're quite a man, Bill.
02:46I wish George had a figure like yours.
02:55Huh?
02:56What?
02:57What's wrong, dear?
02:57You look confused.
02:58I am confused.
03:00I thought you were saying I had sex appeal.
03:02Oh.
03:03Oh, well, you have, dear.
03:05Hasn't he, Bill?
03:07Sure.
03:07Stop laughing.
03:11George is lonely with sex appeal.
03:14Yeah, he's a dream.
03:15Oh, well, he is.
03:17Look at him.
03:18I'm looking.
03:19Okay, break it up.
03:23Break it up.
03:25Straight out.
03:28Anyway, Gracie, I'm glad you didn't try to flatter me this year into getting an Easter outfit.
03:33Easter outfit?
03:34Sure.
03:35Sunday is Easter.
03:36My goodness, I'd forgotten it completely.
03:39George, I'll need a hundred dollars right away.
03:41Nothing doing.
03:43No money, huh?
03:44No money.
03:45Oh.
03:46My, you're handsome today.
03:47We're back in.
03:49What sex appeal?
03:51I missed the boat, huh?
03:52It sailed without you.
03:53Yeah.
04:01Excuse, please, Missy.
04:03Wong, see, you look very sad.
04:06You're angry with Wong?
04:07Oh, no, no, you're a fine cooking house boy, Wong.
04:11I'm angry with myself because I've been selfish.
04:14So?
04:15Yes.
04:16Every year I buy myself a nice new outfit so I'll attract attention in the Easter parade.
04:21But what does Mr. Burns get to wear in the Easter parade?
04:24Nothing.
04:26Then he attract more attention than you.
04:31Oh, no, no.
04:32I mean, he has to wear an old worn-out suit.
04:35And it isn't fair.
04:36Well, by golly, this year I'm going to get him a new suit and I'll wear something old.
04:41I'll just wear that old dress I bought yesterday.
04:45Missy make a big sacrifice.
04:47Well, Mr. Burns is worth it.
04:49The way he works in slaves.
04:51Why, every week he has to stand in front of a microphone for a half hour holding that heavy script.
04:58Mr. Burns walk like a dog.
05:00Yeah, you bet.
05:02And he's so kind and unselfish.
05:04In the morning when our bedroom is icy cold, does he let me lie there and freeze?
05:10No.
05:11He lets me go down and fire that nice warm furnace.
05:16Mr. Burns very kind and generous, too.
05:20Never locks up cigars.
05:22Oh.
05:23Do you take a cigar?
05:24Sure.
05:25One sneak down the basement and smoke them.
05:28Oh, you don't have to hide, George.
05:30Doesn't mind if you like his cigars.
05:33Oh, Wong no like his cigars.
05:35Smoke them in the basement to kill lots of mice.
05:40Oh.
05:41Oh, I'll answer the door, Wong.
05:44Oh, hello, Mr. Judson.
05:46Howdy, little lady.
05:47What's new?
05:48Well, Sunday is Easter and I'm going to surprise George and buy him a new suit.
05:53Will you join him in the Easter parade?
05:55Well, now, I can't decide whether to spend Easter here in Hollywood or go home to Texas.
06:00Oh, spend it in the sunshine where the flowers are in bloom.
06:04And where you can parade with the world's handsomest men and the most beautiful women.
06:08You sold me.
06:09I'll go home to Texas.
06:11But I was described in California.
06:14Why, it's beautiful here.
06:16On a clear day in Los Angeles, you can see Catalina.
06:18Well, now, that's something I sure would like to see.
06:21Catalina?
06:22No, a clear day in Los Angeles.
06:29Now, the air in Texas is what you really call clear.
06:33I can stand on my back porch and look 700 miles.
06:39Clean to my back fence.
06:42Well, we have some wonderful things, too, Mr. Judson.
06:45Now, for example, we have one of the finest police departments in the country.
06:49Do tell.
06:50All right, I will.
06:53One night, one night, some burglars broke into our house and the dog barked and woke us.
06:58Well, it wasn't two minutes until the police arrived and gave us a summons for having a barking dog.
07:05A summons for having a barking dog?
07:08Ho, ho, ho, ho!
07:10I like that.
07:11Oh, hello, Mr. Judson.
07:12Oh, howdy, little man.
07:14Mr. Judson and I, we're having a little friendly argument, George.
07:19He doesn't think much of our state.
07:21Well, he just hasn't seen the wonders of California.
07:24The orange grove, the winery, the old mission.
07:26Oh, yes, and he should have been at Capistrano the other day when the swallows returned.
07:30Yeah, now, there's a romantic thing, Mr. Judson.
07:33No one knows where those swallows go in the wintertime.
07:36Well, they don't go to Texas.
07:39How do you know?
07:40If they did, they'd never come back to California.
07:45Mr. Judson, maybe you're crazy about Texas because that's where you made all your money.
07:50All my money?
07:51Well, I only got a piddling $32 million.
07:54I thought it was $31 million.
07:57Yeah, well, now, we had a little hard luck down home.
08:00Something happened.
08:01Yes, it did.
08:02My wife was out in the backyard cracking some ice to put in Grandpa's julie.
08:07The ice pick slipped off the cake of ice, stuck into the ground, and up come another darned oil well.
08:17You call that hard luck?
08:19Grandpa had to drink his julie warm.
08:21Poor old man.
08:24Yeah.
08:26Well, I've got to be running if I'm going to spend Easter in Texas.
08:30Goodbye, little lady.
08:31I hope that old rabbit lays some nice eggs for you Sunday.
08:35Oh, George isn't on the radio till Thursday.
08:37Okay.
08:42George isn't on the radio till Thursday.
08:45Well, the miracle on 34th Street is about to be topped by an even greater miracle on Camden Drive.
09:01Gracie is not going to buy herself a new Easter outfit.
09:04Instead, she's driving downtown right now to buy George a new suit and surprise him.
09:09In the car with her is her neighbor, Dr. Miller.
09:11Oh, will you help me pick out George a suit, doctor?
09:15Oh, I'm sorry, Gracie.
09:16I'll have to jump out at the hospital.
09:17I'm psychoanalyzing a patient there in five minutes.
09:20Oh, anything serious?
09:21Oh, no.
09:22It's just a fixation.
09:23Every time this fellow gets frightened, he starts to hiccup.
09:26Oh.
09:27So ridiculous.
09:27There's no...
09:29Gracie, that light ahead of us has turned red.
09:31I see it.
09:34See, I never take any chances.
09:35I always honk when I go through a red light.
09:37But, Gracie...
09:40That policeman whistled at you.
09:44Oh, fresh.
09:45I'm going to report him.
09:46He does that every time I pass that corner.
09:50As I was saying, there's no reason for fright to produce hiccups.
09:55A man has control of...
09:56Mm-hmm.
09:57Gracie, you're driving on the wrong side of the street.
10:00Well, this is the shady side.
10:03If I drove with the sun in my eyes, we might have an accident.
10:06But, Gracie...
10:09By the way, doctor, how do I get to the hospital?
10:12Just keep driving, I think.
10:15Well, there's the tailor shop.
10:16I can walk to the hospital from here.
10:18Oh, look.
10:20There's a parking place.
10:21But, Gracie, I don't think it's large enough for this car.
10:23Oh, don't be silly.
10:24Watch this.
10:29Now, see?
10:30I made it fine.
10:32Oh, all that fender reminds me.
10:34I must get George's trousers with plenty of police.
10:38Well, see you later, doctor.
10:39Goodbye, Gracie.
10:41Eat.
10:42Thanks for the lift.
10:43Eat.
10:44Eat.
10:45Eat.
10:53May I help you, madam?
10:55Oh, yes.
10:55I want to get my husband the very best suit you can make to wear in the Easter Parade Sunday.
11:02I'm willing to go as high as, uh, $20.
11:06And the cheapest suit I make is $100.
11:08$100 just for a man's suit?
11:11Why, that's almost as much as I pay for a hat.
11:15But my suits are handmade from the very finest important fabric.
11:19Oh, well, all right, I'll take one.
11:22Good.
11:23Now, first you pick out the bolt you like, and I'll use that for his suit.
11:27A bolt?
11:28Can't you make it with buttons?
11:30A bolt is so unhandy, every time he took his suit off, he'd have to unscrew himself.
11:37And, yes.
11:40And by bolt, I mean bolt of material, like these here.
11:44Now, you select the fabric you think would look best on your husband.
11:47Oh, this is pretty.
11:48What is it?
11:49That's herringbone.
11:50Oh.
11:51Well, it looks nice, but I'll bet on a hot day it smells awful.
11:56It's not actually made of herringbones.
11:59It's made of wool.
12:00Wool comes from sheep.
12:02Sheep are animals.
12:04You don't have to explain things to me.
12:06I've seen sheep.
12:07I know they milk them to get the wool.
12:13Uh, yes.
12:14Hey, madam, perhaps you'd better send your husband in and let him pick out the material.
12:21Oh, no, I can't.
12:21This suit has got to be a surprise for him.
12:24But then how can I get his measurements?
12:25Oh.
12:25Oh, yeah, that is a problem.
12:28I know.
12:29You come home with me, but don't let him see you.
12:32Then I'll take your tape measure and go in and ask him to dance.
12:36And while we're dancing, I'll take the measurements and call him out to you.
12:41Well, it's a little unorthodox, but business is slow.
12:44I'll do it.
12:44Oh, good.
12:46Now, just one thing.
12:47When I give you his height, subtract two inches.
12:50He's taller when he dances.
12:52Why?
12:53He stands on my feet.
13:02Now, you wait here in the living room and don't let my husband see you.
13:06Okay.
13:08Oh, hello, George.
13:10Let's dance.
13:15Dance?
13:16Sure.
13:16I've got my tape measure ready.
13:20What's that for?
13:21Oh, that's to measure and see that you don't dance too close to me, you Roseland Romeo.
13:29I don't want to dance.
13:30I'm very comfortable.
13:31Well, then you sit there and I'll dance around you.
13:34Gracie, you're choking me with that tape measure.
13:36Next 16.
13:37Next 16.
13:40What was that?
13:43I didn't hear anything.
13:45Shoulder 16.
13:46Shoulder 16.
13:47I didn't hear that either.
13:52What's going on here?
13:54Hold still, dear.
13:55Chest 16.
13:56Chest 16.
14:00Gracie, there's somebody in the other room.
14:03Oh, no, dear.
14:03That's an echo.
14:05Echo?
14:05Mm-hmm.
14:06A friend of mine just got back from the Swiss Alps and he brought me an echo for a souvenir.
14:12Gracie, who's in the other room?
14:13Hip 56.
14:14Get 56.
14:17Get 56?
14:21I'm going in there and see who that is.
14:23I thought so.
14:24A man.
14:25Hey, you.
14:27Who was that?
14:28Uh, that?
14:29Yeah, that.
14:29Who was he?
14:30Well, uh...
14:31Oh, I didn't want to tell you, George, but I guess I'll have to.
14:35He's a Vine Street wolf who followed me home.
14:39A wolf?
14:40But why did you call out my measurement store?
14:43Well, I knew it would frighten him away when he heard what a physique my husband had.
14:48After all, you've just got about the most frightening physique in town.
14:57Now, look, lady, I've got to get back to my tailor shop.
15:00I can't stay around here playing hide-and-go-seek with your husband.
15:03But if he finds out you're a tailor, it'll spoil the surprise of his Easter shoes.
15:07You just hide here in the bushes till I get the rest of his measurements for you.
15:11Uh, let's guess, Hatham.
15:13How tall is your husband?
15:14Five feet ten.
15:15Or four feet two in a stocking feet.
15:19He, uh...
15:20He's only four feet two in his stocking feet?
15:23Well, yes.
15:23He always sits down when he takes his shoes off.
15:25Uh, yes.
15:33Well, that's close enough for the measurements.
15:35Uh, when can I get the hundred dollars to pay for the suit?
15:38Well, I'll have to...
15:38Oh, shh.
15:39Here comes a friend of ours, Bill Goodwin.
15:41Hide quick.
15:42I'll see you later.
15:50Come in.
15:51Hiya, George.
15:52Hey, there's a guy hiding outside in the bushes.
15:55Friend of yours?
15:58That's the guy who followed Gracie.
16:00Huh?
16:01Hiding outside, is he?
16:02Well, he's gonna get the beating of his life.
16:05Here, Bill.
16:05Take my coat.
16:06Okay.
16:06You'll need it.
16:07It's cold out there.
16:10You want me to do it?
16:12Well, when I get in a fight, I always skin up my knuckles.
16:15You ought to learn to fall with your hands in your pocket.
16:19Go on, Bill.
16:20Beat him up.
16:20Well, why should I?
16:21Who is he?
16:22Well, he's a wolf who followed Gracie down here from Vine Street.
16:26Followed Gracie down Vine Street.
16:28Right out, break his neck.
16:29That a boy.
16:30I'll tear him in from him.
16:31Now you're working.
16:32He's working my character.
16:42Oh, hello, Bill.
16:43Hi, Gracie.
16:45Bill's gonna beat up on that wolf who followed you home.
16:47Oh, no, Bill.
16:47You mustn't.
16:48Why not?
16:49Why not?
16:49Yeah.
16:50Uh, well, he's very big and tough.
16:52Well, I can take him, Gracie.
16:54Sure.
16:55Bill wrestles three nights a week.
16:56Yeah, but this is a man.
17:04I got other holes.
17:06Well, get out there and tear that wolf to peace, Bill.
17:09Don't be a coward.
17:10Oh, wait, Bill.
17:11Oh, wouldn't you rather just stay here and have a nice hot cup of Maxwell House coffee?
17:16Go on, Bill.
17:16Get him.
17:18What a spot.
17:19If I say yes, I look like a coward.
17:21If I say no, I look for a new job.
17:24Well, there's only one decision a red-blooded he-man can make.
17:28Attaboy.
17:29I'll keep my job and stay here.
17:30You call that decision red-blooded?
17:34Well, if you don't eat, you get anemic.
17:37Oh.
17:38Besides, George, who can resist Maxwell House?
17:41It's the very best in coffee-drinking pleasure, yet it costs but a fraction of a penny more
17:46per cup than the cheapest coffee you can buy.
17:49Uh, make three cups, Gracie.
17:51One for you, one for George, and one for me.
17:53Bill, the wolf outside, remember?
17:54Well, okay, make it four cups, Gracie.
17:57No one should be without Maxwell House.
17:59You know, with more than a thousand brands to choose from, more people buy and enjoy
18:05Maxwell House than any other brand of coffee in the world.
18:08I'll go right out and make the coffee.
18:10Bill, you're not going to give that guy Maxwell House coffee.
18:13By golly, you're right, George.
18:14I'm going to open that door and tell him a few things.
18:17Right.
18:18Hey, you!
18:19Yeah, what do you want?
18:24You take cream and sugar in your coffee?
18:29Well, of course, Maxwell House is delicious with or without.
18:35And it comes to you roaster-fresh two ways now.
18:37In the familiar blue vacuum tin or in the handy new vacuum glass jar.
18:43Now, look, what goes on here?
18:44Do I make the Easter suit or not?
18:46Easter suit?
18:47Who are you?
18:48I'm a tailor.
18:50A tailor?
18:51Sure.
18:51Your wife ordered an Easter suit and I'm waiting for my hundred bucks.
18:54And after I told her, no Easter outfit.
18:57I'll bet she's scheming right now to take me for the money.
19:00Well, the deal's off, mister.
19:01Now, scram.
19:02Hey, well, what are you so excited about, George?
19:05Nobody's going to take me for a hundred.
19:06Well, of course they're not.
19:07You don't look a day over ninety.
19:11Go.
19:11Oh, I hated to bother you, Meredith, but as I told you on the phone, I've absolutely
19:25got to get a hundred dollars from George.
19:27Did you think of any ideas?
19:29Yes, Gracie.
19:29I procured a pair of loaded dice from one of the members of my orchestra.
19:33Oh, which one?
19:34The leader.
19:37You're the leader?
19:38Not anymore.
19:39I have to let him lead now.
19:40He owns all the instruments.
19:42Oh, well, I don't want to cheat George out of his money with crooked dice.
19:46I'd rather cheat him out of it, honestly.
19:50Well, uh, why don't you tell him you need a tonsillectomy?
19:53Yeah, I'll tell him they're having a sale on the Mr. May Company.
19:59Uh, Gracie, a tonsillectomy is an operation.
20:03Mmm, that's just the thing, an operation.
20:05But, Meredith, we'll be subtle.
20:08We'll pretend to hide the news from George,
20:10and that'll make him more interested.
20:13I catch on.
20:14He's in the den.
20:15Let's go to work.
20:17Oh, Meredith, come in and close the door.
20:19We mustn't let George know that I'm in desperate need of an operation.
20:27Gracie, you're right.
20:28Why, if that warm-hearted, generous man found out,
20:32he'd mortgage his home to get the hundred dollars for the operation.
20:35Yes.
20:39What's, uh, what's all this?
20:40Oh, George!
20:42You're here!
20:43Hmm?
20:43You heard!
20:45No, no, put away the hundred dollars.
20:47I'm not taking it.
20:48I'm not giving it.
20:53But, George, Gracie's very ill.
20:56She was just examined by one of the Mayo sisters.
21:01That's the Mayo brothers.
21:03Please.
21:04Your wife is a woman.
21:07Oh, go.
21:08But, George, she needs an immediate operation.
21:14She must go on the table at once.
21:16Yes, we reserve one of the Brown Derbys.
21:23The Brown Derbys?
21:24Well, the, uh, the doctor's crazy about movie stars,
21:27and he wants to watch the celebrities while he works.
21:31Gracie, you couldn't get an operation for a hundred dollars.
21:34All you'd get for that is an anesthetic.
21:36All right.
21:37Give me the hundred, and I'll just take the anesthetic.
21:40Oh, both of you.
21:41Go.
21:41Oh, cut it out.
21:43Stop with that.
21:44You're not getting a hundred bucks from me to buy yourself an Easter dress.
21:47Easter dress?
21:49I wanted the money to buy you a suit.
21:52Me?
21:52Yes.
21:53Is that why you had to tailor you?
21:55Oh, sure.
21:57I wanted it to be a surprise.
21:59Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
22:01And all this time you've been thinking of me.
22:04You don't even appreciate it.
22:06Oh, no, no, no.
22:07Don't cry.
22:08Here's the hundred dollars.
22:09Oh, thank you.
22:12But don't spend it on me.
22:14Because you are so sweet, I want you to buy an outfit for yourself.
22:18Oh, you mean it?
22:19It's all for me?
22:20All for you.
22:20Oh, I must make a note of this.
22:22It may work again next Easter.
22:24George and Gracie will return in just a moment.
22:43Join us again next Thursday when we'll all be back.
22:46George Burns, Gracie Allen, Bill Goodwin, Meredith Wilson, and the Maxwell House Orchestra,
22:50and yours truly, Toby Reed.
22:51And now, here are our stars.
22:53Well, thanks for letting me buy the new dress, George.
22:55But what have you got to wear in the Easter parade?
22:58Well, there's the suit I graduated from high school in.
23:02The suit I wore in vaudeville.
23:04The suit I got married in.
23:06Well, if it's good enough for high school vaudeville in marriage,
23:09it's good enough for the Easter parade.
23:11Take it off and have it cleaned.
23:31Until next Thursday, good night and good luck from the makers of Maxwell House Coffee.
23:39The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show is written by Keith Fowler and Paul Henning.
23:44And now, stay tuned in for Noah Webster Says,
23:47which follows immediately over most of these stations.
23:58This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.
24:01Weurder and Paul Henning 같아요.
24:07Anybody Werden?
24:07Believe father, this is a cocoant.
24:10Weurder and I'll get in there.
24:10If anybody will see us on display.
24:11We have anything new, automobiles.
24:12I'm happy to see if you alwaysolt.
24:13We shame the 이중, thank you.
24:14We'll see you later.
24:14Will there be a new machineática?
24:15I'll get in there.
24:18I appreciate that Matt Coul 복s.
24:20The man says, no, you won't know .
24:20It will be an exercise.
24:22I will be an exercise kur revelatory because no matter what I believe there will not be.
24:23You'll go out and feel too fast.
24:26Because that is wonderful.
24:27In the face Am Vil part of this one day when you came to do that,
24:28it will help you figure out of money to go away.