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Short filmTranscript
00:00We started with 10 comedians, and one objective, do not laugh, but one by one, like Bob's chair,
00:18they've cracked. Now, only five players remain. Who will be the last one laughing?
00:48Everyone here has a yellow card, so if you laugh, you're out.
01:18Now, I'm going to go in there, I'm going to restart the game. Good luck.
01:21It's a fantastic series, Ark, and it's great stakes, Jimmy.
01:24You've got 45 minutes left, everyone.
01:26Wow.
01:2745 minutes.
01:28Wow.
01:29Absolutely fantastic.
01:30Door.
01:31Stay in there.
01:34Richard finally gets a yellow card, and more importantly, shows a shred of humanity.
01:40OK, restarting the game now.
01:4545 minutes left, we've done so well.
01:52I can't get this through.
01:55I've got to say, I did try to go for a centre passing when I was 15, I lost a year.
01:59What do you mean?
02:01I just tried to get...
02:02Straight out?
02:03No, it's just, it's very hard being a goth in Ipswich at the best of times.
02:10He just says funny things all the time.
02:12They've all just got a bit of him now, haven't they?
02:14Yeah, that's it, they're all back in the game.
02:15Level playing field, last hour.
02:17I think they all thought Richard was unbeatable, and now he's got a yellow.
02:20They're like, OK, we're all even Stevens.
02:23Any thoughts on JLo?
02:24Yes.
02:25I'd like to hear them.
02:26My favourite film of hers is Maiden Manhattan by Country Mile.
02:30My favourite bit in every Jennifer Lopez film is when she is in the sort of lowly blue-collar position
02:39and someone gives her a pep talk saying that she could run the company.
02:42Oh, yeah.
02:43And then she pitches, and she puts forward,
02:46I've been working here for ten years,
02:48and they reject her because she doesn't have the qualifications.
02:52Should we rescue them from him?
02:55It feels like a party.
02:56They were like our friends.
02:58We'd go, let's get them away from that guy.
03:00You are describing my life right now.
03:02Lou, she looks like she's been the victim of a crime
03:04and someone's put a police jacket over her.
03:06Oh, my God.
03:07Really?
03:08She really does.
03:09Oh, I've had a tough year.
03:10No, it's been awful.
03:12Do you want a cup of tea?
03:15Richard, I have fought, that is, I have had a fight with,
03:19with a butterfly that I won.
03:21I then moved on to a snake, and I fought a python.
03:25Yes.
03:26Yeah, and I won.
03:27And then I fought an alligator.
03:30Oh, OK.
03:31The most frightening one was the alligator.
03:33It was furious, and its tail hit a tree,
03:36and it was like, boom, the strength of these things.
03:40But I, to jump on it, call it a wanker.
03:43Yeah.
03:44And then celebrate having defeated it.
03:48OK, all right, I'm going to go in there.
03:50I've got a game.
03:53I'm going to bring someone back.
03:55Where was this?
03:56Like a sort of dogging area near Ashford in Kent.
03:58Right.
03:59I'm from near there.
04:00Yes.
04:01I know that dogging area.
04:03Woof, woof.
04:05Door.
04:06Oh, that works.
04:07Ooh, doors?
04:08I thought we might play a little game.
04:10Oh, yes, please.
04:11Everyone on the stage, I'll tell you where to sit.
04:14Oh, my God.
04:16I fancy you so much.
04:18Is it cos it gets crossed?
04:20Yeah.
04:21That's your tone.
04:22Why is everyone fine with that?
04:24Shall I tell you why?
04:25Cos we've all got childhood fucking issues.
04:29I'm going to play you a line from a famous song.
04:32Yeah.
04:33And all you've got to do is re-sing that line.
04:36I've got a button on my watch here.
04:38It's a red button, so if anyone laughs, I can press it
04:42and then they're out of the game and they have to come with me.
04:45Yeah.
04:46Here's the line you'll be singing.
04:47It's Minnie Ripperton's Loving You.
04:57Oh, my God.
04:59Lou.
05:00Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
05:02Ah!
05:06Do-do-do-do-do-do!
05:08Ah!
05:17Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
05:20Oh!
05:27Really nice.
05:30Do-do-do-do-do-do...
05:32Ah!
05:38Harriet.
05:41Do-do-do-do-do...
05:45Oh, no, poor Harriet!
05:47Do-do-do-do...
05:52Sorry, Harriet, let's go again from the top.
05:54Do-do-do-do-do...
06:00Go again from the top, please.
06:02HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:05HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:07No, wait, wait. Let me give you the beat.
06:10HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:14SHE LAUGHS
06:16We're giving you the beat, Harry. Come on.
06:18SHE LAUGHS
06:20HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:23HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:25That was really nice.
06:30Yeah.
06:32She did so brilliantly.
06:34Come round. Come and have a look, cos we're going to watch the replay.
06:37It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
06:39It was harder than childbirth and I didn't have an epidural.
06:41It's time. It's time. It's my time.
06:44SHE LAUGHS
06:46HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:49SHE LAUGHS
06:51We're giving you the beat. Come on.
06:53HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
06:56That was unfortunate. Yeah.
06:58You need to come with me. You've played an absolute blinder.
07:00Oh, God!
07:02Well done, Harriet.
07:04I had the best time. It was absolutely crazy.
07:06What a whirlwind.
07:07It's been... It's really been through a lot.
07:09It's been fantastic. Thank you, Richard.
07:11OK, I thought that was for me.
07:13He seems to think he's in The Bachelor. OK.
07:15Yeah, OK.
07:16You were so good.
07:18It's been so stressful.
07:20I mean, ping-pong balls? Ping-pong balls.
07:22Where did you learn that?
07:24I would never have had Lou in the final four.
07:26Lou laughs, like, halfway through a sentence most of the time.
07:30I've lived a life, Jimmy, you don't even know.
07:32Of course. Of course.
07:33HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
07:35SHE SCREAMS
07:38APPLAUSE
07:40Oh! Wonderful.
07:42Oh, God. Oh, God.
07:44It's so hard. Well done.
07:47The bad news is, Harriet's out of the game.
07:50The good news is, we don't have to listen to her sing any more.
07:53HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
08:04HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
08:06That's the one. There you go.
08:08HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEATS
08:15Do you know what? I'm impressed with your stamina.
08:18You have been full throttle the whole six hours.
08:21Yeah. Uptown funk. Let's restart the game.
08:24HE IMITATES RHYTHMIC BEAT
08:30Oh, God, I'm so cold. I've got to have a hot tea.
08:32Are you OK in Marks and Spencer's? Cos that's quite a cold place.
08:35Thank you for asking. In the food hall. No.
08:38If you're looking for a hot shop, Pets At Home.
08:40That's a hot shop. Hot shop. Yeah, that is a hot shop.
08:43LAUGHTER
08:46We haven't heard Lou's Joker.
08:48No! Good point.
08:51PHONE RINGS
08:56Hello? Oh, hello, Richard.
08:58Could Lou go and prepare her Joker? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:02Lou?
09:07Lou's tricky. Something about her.
09:10As I say, you get a little bit off guard and she's cheeky.
09:14And suddenly you feel a grin coming
09:17and it's best to run.
09:19Basically, to get to this stage, sociopath.
09:22Because, essentially, you're so willing to suppress
09:25any kind of the normal... Yeah.
09:28..signs and practices of interaction and humanity
09:31that, essentially, you're a de facto sociopath.
09:34Yeah, yeah. It's always how I spent the first sort of 35 years of my life.
09:38After the last few years, I've sort of unpicked that,
09:40but I feel like I'm back to square one. Yeah, yeah.
09:42Square one being sociopath? Yeah.
09:45Yeah. Would you kill again?
09:49No, that's done for me now.
09:51LAUGHTER
09:54PHONE RINGS
09:58Hello. I'm in a dance duo with my mum. This is my mum.
10:02Hello, Mum.
10:04That's not Goldie Hawn.
10:06No, it's not.
10:09We're going to do a dance piece for you.
10:11It's inspired by the Moors.
10:13It's Michael, Roger, Broad.
10:15And we've done it for the production team.
10:17We ran it through for them.
10:19They loved it, didn't they? Yeah.
10:21They absolutely loved it, but they said the elements of it
10:24were a bit too erotic, so we've had to cut all the BJs.
10:29That's a shame. That's a shame.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:35Mum, what's the matter? Mum?
10:37What's the matter?
10:39No, no, sorry. Oh, my God.
10:41Fuck, what's the matter?
10:43Your Uncle Peter died.
10:46Oh, my God.
10:48Oh, my God. How?
10:50Walking. Oh, my God.
10:52Where was he walking to?
10:55Elephant and Castle.
10:57Where from?
10:58Alicante.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:03OK, shall we not do the dance?
11:05No, no, no, no, it is fine.
11:07Maybe I won't do the slut job.
11:09That was Peter's favourite bit.
11:11LAUGHTER
11:13Let's put the umbilical cord back together. Yeah.
11:18MUSIC PLAYS
11:33They might have forgotten how to laugh.
11:39MUSIC CONTINUES
11:49LAUGHTER
11:52What are we watching?
11:58By the time Lou did her dance,
12:01with her mum, was it mum?
12:03By that time, I think Richard, me and Rob,
12:06I think we probably did want to win by then.
12:09MUSIC CONTINUES
12:15LAUGHTER
12:20I don't think you should make your mum dance like that.
12:30Oh!
12:33MUSIC CONTINUES
12:36She's laughing! She's laughing!
12:40That was a definite laugh.
12:48What do you think they were trying to get across in that story?
12:52It's good when art leaves you with questions.
12:56I have a suspicion that that wasn't Lou's mum.
12:59If that was Lou's mum, it explained a lot,
13:01because they didn't seem close.
13:05I just don't know how they're doing it, you know?
13:07What headspace are they in where that can happen and they're not laughing?
13:12That was great, Lou. It was really interesting.
13:18Four is about to become three.
13:21Let's have a look.
13:23MUSIC PLAYS
13:30MUSIC CONTINUES
13:33Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
13:36Oh, Lou.
13:38At least you went down with dignity.
13:40Yeah!
13:42How humiliating to get caught out laughing at your own stuff.
13:47I just started laughing, I think out of nervousness,
13:50because I thought Bob Morton and Richard Ayoade
13:52are watching me with a dummy come down the slide out of this woman's,
13:56you know, and you just sort of get overwhelmed by emotions.
14:00CHEERING
14:03Your career's basically over.
14:05That was genius.
14:07They didn't crack. They didn't even crack a smile.
14:10Nothing will crack them.
14:12Oy vey. Oy vey.
14:14I think, in a way, now, the worst you're going out with is bronze.
14:17That's where we've got to look at it.
14:19Sounds like talk of a loser, don't you think, Bob? Yeah.
14:22I'm happy to lose.
14:24Lou has been an incredible player.
14:26She's managed to get five laughs.
14:28Two of them from herself.
14:31Let's restart the game. OK, here we go.
14:40If you were going to design a new biscuit, how long would you make it?
14:43A biscuit? Yeah.
14:45I'd be tempted to do something that you could put
14:48in the same space as a spare tyre in a car.
14:50You'd get a bit dirty, though, wouldn't you?
14:52You'd foil it, foil it.
14:54I like the size of a Ferrero Rocher.
14:56Say that again. Say that one. Ferrero Rocher.
15:01Put your teeth in. Say it again.
15:03Ferrero Rocher. Ferrero Rocher.
15:05Oh, my gosh.
15:07I'd bite the chocolate round the edge, leave the ball,
15:10swivel, pull apart, lick out, nut last.
15:14Was it wrong that I found that even more attractive than that dance?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:22Neither of my parents were English,
15:24so they had idiosyncratic speech patterns, so I haven't...
15:28There are a number of words I just don't say correctly at all.
15:31Like what?
15:33I love you. Yeah.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:43Have you a lot of tools, Richard?
15:45Have you got a toolbox and drills?
15:47Yes, I've got a fair bit.
15:49Yeah, when I lived in Ipswich, I had a small shed,
15:53and I did build a... I can never say it, is it a pergola?
15:56For my parents, yeah.
15:58Oh, that's nice. I bet you build, don't you? Handy.
16:01I don't, but I've got an inspection pit under my garage.
16:04Can you imagine that? What are you inspecting?
16:06It was just from the previous owner. It's the bottom of the car.
16:09Yeah. Do you ever go down and look up?
16:11Yeah, I go down there sometimes.
16:13You've got to have a place to escape, haven't you?
16:15Yeah. If I came round with a head torch and my piles,
16:18could you look at them for me? Yes.
16:20I could crouch and you could... Yeah.
16:22I could poke them, I could grab onto them.
16:24Spoon them back in.
16:26It's very nice of you to bring the head torch.
16:28You don't want to be fiddling down in the dark, do you? Yes.
16:31Cos one of the signs of a proctologist, for me,
16:33is that they've got their own equipment.
16:35What's a proctologist? Someone who is an arse doctor.
16:38Have you ever had a check up the bum?
16:40A Czechoslovakian?
16:42LAUGHTER
16:45I went to see Dr Hook when I was younger.
16:48Dr Hook? The worst prostate exam I've ever had.
16:51Yes, sir.
16:53Do you understand? Yes, sir.
16:55Cos it was a hook. Yes, sir.
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58They have to make each other laugh.
17:00I'm going in there. I'm going in there.
17:02Oh, good luck, Jimmy. We're running out of time.
17:04Doors.
17:06Rob, come and join me on stage. Yep. We're going to play a game.
17:09Now, you haven't done a head-to-head yet, so we figure this is fair,
17:12and you can pick your opponent. Who would you like to play with?
17:15Oh, this is tough. Yeah.
17:17I think I might have to go Richard.
17:19Bob's been a bit difficult for me today.
17:21Richard's still very funny, but I'm going to have to go Richard.
17:24Yeah, whatever. Richard, lose the hat, please.
17:26I'm less funny than Bob, I know.
17:28Well, Bob got you, so that's how I'm doing it.
17:30Oh, this is going to be hard.
17:32OK, Bob, are you happy watching from over there?
17:34Very happy to, yeah.
17:36All right, we're going to play The Face You Do When.
17:38OK. OK? So, first things first, I've got to put this up.
17:41It's a bit more physical labour than I'm used to.
17:43OK. Face You Do When. Yeah.
17:45I'm going to give you a scenario.
17:47All you have to do is do the face that you would do in that scenario,
17:50and then, when this board comes down,
17:52I want you to look each other in the eyes.
17:54Doing that face? Doing that face.
17:56Oh, my God! OK.
17:58Rob, the face you do in the theatre when the show's about to begin,
18:01and you just found out there's no interval, it's three hours long,
18:04you've had four bran muffins and two pints of prune juice.
18:07OK.
18:12MUSIC PLAYS
18:14That's a funny little face, isn't it?
18:20OK.
18:23OK. Richard, the face you do when you're having an ice cream
18:27and you suddenly remember you're meant to be attending your dad's funeral.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:35MUSIC CONTINUES
18:42MUSIC CONTINUES
18:46LAUGHTER
18:48Oh, the twitch! Oh, my God!
18:54What are you going to do?
18:59LAUGHTER
19:01Yes!
19:03He can't, he wasn't allowed to talk!
19:05Oh! Oh!
19:07I mean, what are you meant to do?
19:10As soon as he started talking, I was gone.
19:12You played an absolute blinder today.
19:15That was some face you did, Rob.
19:17You're the best laugher in the world and you got this far?
19:20It's a miracle, is what it is. I know. That was hard.
19:23I think I could survive just the face, but the little tongue got me
19:28and then the words finished me. I couldn't compete with that.
19:31I mean, what can you do? Pleasure, honour.
19:33It's so nice being out.
19:35Yeah, I feel so free.
19:38OK, you're going to sit over there with the sofas.
19:40You're out of the game. You can laugh at this point.
19:42Bob, you're going head-to-head with Richard Ayoade.
19:44Good luck. Good luck, guys.
19:46Bob's in, Bob's in. Bob versus Richard now.
19:48Oh, great. Bob's in, Bob's in.
19:50Roisin, could you restart the game?
19:52Yes.
19:54MUSIC PLAYS
19:59OK, you know how this works. One mistake and it is all over.
20:03OK, Bob. Yeah?
20:05Could you make the face you do when you discover
20:08your partner is also your cousin?
20:12Oh, shoot!
20:21Blagh!
20:36OK.
20:38Richard, I'd like you to do the face you do when you're at the doctor's
20:42and he's got your test results.
20:44It's not looking good.
20:53It's not looking good. It's looking excellent.
20:55You have zero STDs.
20:59But wait, he was looking at the wrong file.
21:01You have chlamydia.
21:06MUSIC CONTINUES
21:11What you gonna do?
21:15What you gonna do?
21:18Do-do-do-do-do-do.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:30Oh, God.
21:32OK, one more each.
21:35This is the face you do when you're on a plane,
21:37the toilet door opens, a large bald man walks out,
21:40the smell is horrific,
21:42the pilot has left the cockpit and is breakdancing in the aisles.
21:46It's amazing.
21:48LAUGHTER
21:51Have you got that?
21:58What the hell?!
22:02Who the funk?!
22:05Why is this shit?!
22:08Come on!
22:10Richard, what face would you do in the same scenario?
22:13Yeah, thank you.
22:16Oh, it's tricky to go second on the same scenario.
22:24What you gonna do?
22:30What you gonna do?
22:32LAUGHTER
22:34I don't know.
22:36What you gonna do?
22:38I don't know.
22:40How is he not laughing?!
22:42Oh, my God.
22:47Wow.
22:49OK, we have five minutes left.
22:51I'm going to head back with Rob.
22:53You have five minutes to make each other laugh.
22:55Oh, stop it. OK.
22:57Or else. Good luck, lads.
22:59Come on, Rob. You did very, very well.
23:02I'm a tired boy, Jimmy.
23:04Jimmy, what if we've gone so inside ourselves that neither of us laugh?
23:08You stay in here forever.
23:10Door!
23:14What do you think, Richard? What shall we do?
23:17I don't know.
23:19Do you want to chase me?
23:23Hi, guys.
23:25Thank you. Oh, my goodness.
23:27Hello, everyone. Oh, babe.
23:29It's been so long. You were incredible.
23:31Oh, well done, Rob.
23:33So Richard's tone was just too much for Rob,
23:35and he falls at the last hurdle.
23:37I didn't think I was going to get that far at all,
23:39especially in the first hour when I was a bit giddy and it was hard.
23:42But, like, look, to go out to Richard and Bob,
23:45like, that was... It's good company.
23:47I'll happily take third.
23:49We're going to get very strict now.
23:51I don't want it so much as a titter, I'm pressing that button.
23:54OK. I'm going to get me a little joke book.
23:56Get your jokes.
23:59Now he brings his jokes.
24:03Takes a little while to remember you're allowed to laugh again, doesn't it?
24:06Yeah, I know.
24:08Five minutes to go, and he brings the joke book out.
24:11OK, down the line, who's winning?
24:13Raise your hands if you think Richard and I are what he's going to win.
24:15I think he's going to win. OK.
24:17Oh, well, that's... I mean, it's pretty unanimous.
24:19Richard's game has been impeccable. Yeah.
24:21He has absolutely ploughed this game.
24:23And attacked the whole time.
24:29Would you like to sit on these for these lasts?
24:31Yes, please.
24:33Oh, look at this.
24:35These two are cute together.
24:37For me personally, it was nice it ended up with Richard,
24:40cos he is my nemesis.
24:42I mean, it's almost a thing in comedy,
24:44it's like, can you make him laugh?
24:47Do you like jokes? I'll just don't do it for you.
24:50No, I like them, they're good.
24:52So I'm going to try some jokes on you, see if we can finish thing off.
24:55Yeah, finish it.
24:58It's strange, isn't it?
25:00Kerry Katona doesn't actually own a cat.
25:07I got the snip... Yes.
25:09..cos, you know, I didn't want any kids.
25:12But when I got home, they were still there.
25:21There was a kidnapping at my son's school.
25:25Yes.
25:26It's OK, he woke up eventually.
25:30What I now realise I'd done was essentially sign up to be in goal
25:34and just have someone take penalty after penalty after penalty.
25:38Because I had nothing.
25:40I was on a horse opposite him and he had a pocket full of material.
25:45You've got two minutes left, gentlemen.
25:47Two minutes left.
25:49OK, well, I'll choose carefully then.
25:51Come on, Bob, you can do it.
25:53Come on, Bob.
25:55I went to the electrical shop and I said,
25:57can someone sell me a kettle?
25:59Yes.
26:00Kenwood, the bloke said.
26:03Well, can you fetch him then, please?
26:11He's struggling.
26:13I was in the cemetery and I saw a bloke get up from behind a gravestone.
26:18Mourning, I said.
26:20No, just having a shit.
26:24HE CHUCKLES
26:27CHEERING
26:32Oh, I'm calling it.
26:37Wow, that was tight!
26:40Damn you. Damn you.
26:44It's very intense.
26:45It was like De Niro and Pacino in heat.
26:48In heat, yeah.
26:49I'd be De Niro cos De Niro is gunned down.
26:53In the end.
26:54But I'm physically more De Niro.
26:58I think... But Pacino...
27:00You're more Pacino.
27:01Give me all you got!
27:02There you go. You see? I knew it.
27:04Can we have a winner?
27:05I don't know, Jimmy.
27:07I don't need someone like you in my organisation.
27:11You two have been extraordinary.
27:13Thank you, Jimmy.
27:14Everyone, come through with a trophy.
27:16OK, come to the stage for the trophy presentation.
27:20Please.
27:21CHEERING
27:30It would have been very strange for Bob not to win.
27:33It'd be like watching a Rocky film and then the other person wins.
27:37But because I'm old?
27:39No, because you're a gifted fighter.
27:43Bob, in a room full of comedians, you are the one most dead inside.
27:47That is a doughnut, yeah.
27:49Congratulations to Bob Mortimer,
27:51the winner of the last one laughing you can.
27:54Fire the confetti!
27:56Oh!
27:57There's confetti, everyone!
27:59Imagine being in Bob Mortimer's brain
28:02and not laughing at whatever thoughts are floating around in there.
28:05Incredible.
28:07Bob, he's just a master at his craft, isn't he?
28:11I mean, those jokes in his joke book are just so stupid
28:15and yet so funny.
28:17He deserved to win, 1,000%.
28:20Very, very happy for Bob to win.
28:23Bob is the funniest person in the world.
28:25It felt like when I was a lot younger
28:28and I lived in a shared house with people that I really liked
28:33and I could have sat in there for a lot longer.
28:36You know, I'm an old bloke, I don't see many people.
28:39I feel so lucky with the people that were in there with me.
28:45They were all superb.
28:47Thanks for watching. I've been Jimmy Carr.
28:49If you'd like to take part in the next series of Last One Laughing,
28:52just become a famous stand-up comedian and we'll be in touch.
28:55Goodbye.
28:56I'm in.
28:57CHEERING
29:01You know I love you, girl!
29:14Woo!
29:44CHEERING