Mumbai’s Raga Olga D'silva was a mother of two when she met Nicola Fenton in New Zealand.
Take the time to discover their touching love story to the end.
Take the time to discover their touching love story to the end.
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00:00So do you remember that, when we first met for coffee?
00:03I think about it often.
00:05You know, I remember the cafe in Wellington, it was in Cuba Street.
00:09I remember that. I remember the food and I remember the endless conversation.
00:15And I didn't want the day to end. I remember that.
00:17We had coffee, we went for a walk, we went for a drive.
00:20And then we said, can we have dinner?
00:22And I had to arrange for the children to be looked after.
00:25Then we ended up with dinner and then I had to, I think, go to China the next morning.
00:29Yeah. I remember the drive back to the beach. I remember the drive back to the beach very well.
00:33And then we walked along the promenade.
00:36And then, yeah, I remember we had to go to China.
00:40And I remember I came back about 14, 15 days later, we kept in touch.
00:44And I don't know, I don't think we kept in touch so much because you were busy, I was busy.
00:49But when I got back, I still remember, you know, trying to contact you and you said, yeah, let's catch up.
00:56And then we never stopped meeting.
00:58We just kept on drinking coffees and we had less walks.
01:02And I think we just started walking again.
01:05Yeah.
01:06Do you remember meeting the kids?
01:09Of course, I remember going up the stairs and these two little faces peeking over the top of the banister saying, hi.
01:17Hi. I was like, hi.
01:20I don't know, they were quite young then, maybe seven or eight.
01:24Yeah, they were only about 22.
01:27Yeah.
01:28And they're still like that.
01:30They're still having to let you go a little bit.
01:33I think we connected quite quickly.
01:38And the kids talked to me straight away.
01:41I talked to the kids fairly quickly.
01:43And suddenly I was doing kids things.
01:45We were going to the park, going to the beach.
01:48You know, they were getting sick sometimes as kids do.
01:51I would look after them.
01:52I would go to school.
01:53I would go to their first day of school.
01:55I would go to their drama classes.
01:56I would go to the stadium.
01:57I don't know, it just happened.
02:00And I think for them it was sort of almost like I was never not there.
02:05And it was a really nice feeling.
02:07It was a really nice feeling.
02:08I think it's been the best thing that has happened to us.
02:10I still remember after that, taking you to meet their father.
02:16And I remember while Ravi and I had been through a lot of our own conflict
02:22and had to make peace with whatever had happened
02:24and the choices I had made.
02:26I think it welcomed you.
02:28Yeah, absolutely.
02:29I think when they found me, I think it welcomed me.
02:31And I also remember feeling like the kids always need a father.
02:38They need parents around them.
02:40They need people that love them.
02:41Their father loved them.
02:44It was sort of like I felt like an addition to the family.
02:46And I think the kids took to us fairly quickly, especially Ash.
02:51And suddenly they had two mums and a dad and aunties and uncles.
02:58And it just became an extension rather than anything.
03:03And yeah, it seemed to work quite well.
03:05You know, one of the things that I remember about meeting you
03:09because I had been through a lot of the same views.
03:12When I came out, I remember that there was a lot of pressure.
03:16There were a lot of judgments.
03:18People had said things to me that I wouldn't want to even talk about right now.
03:23I was spat at.
03:25And overnight I had lost my friends.
03:28The children had stopped going to sleepovers
03:31because their mother had left their father
03:34and the mother had decided that she wanted to have different choices.
03:38And I remember when I met you, I think it was about three and a half years
03:41after I had separated from your father.
03:45And I remember being in a very, very fragile state.
03:48And I remember not even knowing one day from the other,
03:50only from the outside I felt very comfortable.
03:53And I remember I first met you and I first just felt so safe.
03:57And my question to you is,
03:59when did you know that you wanted to be with me for this long?
04:04Well, I don't think I thought about the length of time,
04:08but I think it goes back to that first coffee we met.
04:12And I always say to people that I feel like we're just still having coffee together.
04:17It was just like there was a connection.
04:20And it's a little hard to explain, but it was just like that.
04:23We just wanted to keep meeting.
04:25We wanted to do things together.
04:27And things naturally progressed.
04:29There's no force of it.
04:31How was it when...
04:33I mean, we've talked about it a little bit,
04:35but when I met Ravi, he did welcome me.
04:41He welcomed me as another mother to his kids.
04:44He was very happy to hang out, drop the kids off to me,
04:49me drop the kids off to him, however it worked.
04:51But how was it at the very beginning of it?
04:53Oh, it was very tough.
04:55I mean, Ravi had no idea at that time
04:58that I had some thoughts around not being straight.
05:03Let me put it that way.
05:05And I went to a friend, sharing my deep thoughts and secrets.
05:12And as usual, my mother went through my stuff,
05:15and she found the stuff, found the letters,
05:17and then all hell broke loose.
05:19And I still remember that night I was putting my kids to bed,
05:22and in the dark I saw the blade, shiny blade.
05:25My mother was up there, just saying,
05:27this is enough, let's end it all.
05:30And so it was very traumatic for me, for the children,
05:33for Ravi, who had no idea,
05:36and I had to disclose to him that maybe I was inclined the other way.
05:40And as you can imagine, there was a lot of drama, emotional drama.
05:45We went through a storm, let's say.
05:48Fortunately for us, the storm didn't destroy all of us,
05:51but it did leave a lot of destruction,
05:54and I think that's the way to put it.
05:57I remember when I first met my mom.
06:00We'd come to India, and I'd been to India before,
06:04but this was the first time I'd really been involved with a family in India.
06:10And my mother was wearing a very beautiful sari,
06:13lovely drapes, she had high cheekbones.
06:16She was a little, I wouldn't say nervous maybe,
06:20but she was very welcoming to me.
06:23And we moved into a place, she lived a little away from us,
06:28and it wasn't long before suddenly she was living with us.
06:31I don't know how that happened, but it happened.
06:34Suddenly this made you...
06:36My mother was a beautiful soul, and I think she welcomed you very happily.
06:41But I don't know whether my mother ever forgave me like that.
06:44For my side of the story, my side of the journey.
06:48It didn't mean that she didn't love you, she didn't welcome you.
06:51I mean, she was your best friend.
06:53I remember you and her did everything together.
06:55But as a family, she didn't accept that I had left the husband.
07:01Yeah, well, we never talked about it.
07:03We never talked about it, and she used to always introduce me
07:07as your best friend or your business partner.
07:10So I don't know, I mean, I knew she knew,
07:13but we sort of had to keep it like we were sort of under the covers a little bit.
07:19I mean, she taught me how to cook Mandorian food.
07:21She was very lovely to me, but I always knew that, I mean,
07:26there was no way I could give you a sort of hug or a kiss in front of her
07:30or talk about our relationship.
07:33But at the same time, it was sort of, we found a sort of middle ground.
07:38You know, through my mother, Nikla, I remember thinking that there was hope in the society.
07:43Because while, you know, while it is a dream, she couldn't imagine what,
07:47you know, I had put her through the choices I had made.
07:50But I also think that she, slowly she allowed herself to change,
07:54to accept, to love us for just for being who we were.
07:58And to me, that gave me hope that there is this society
08:01that they only behave or react to situations because they don't know any better.
08:06But once you educate them and once they realize that you are just normal,
08:10just like anybody else, I don't think that it takes too long for them to change their choices.
08:15We are society, right?
08:16So, I am like this also.
08:17When I don't know about certain things, I react differently.
08:21But when I understand, my choices, my reactions are so different.
08:25And I value that.
08:27I mean, I think my mother has come across in my book in a little strong manner.
08:32But I think my mother's reaction was not wrong.
08:35No, yeah.
08:36She was right in a way.
08:38I mean, who would understand that kind of a state-framed behavior if unaccessive?
08:43Especially when it's not like it was talked about every day in India.
08:47I mean, I remember we moved to India, I think when the kids were around 12.
08:50So, they had been in New Zealand for 10 years.
08:52And we decided, like, your mother was one of the reasons we moved here.
08:55Because she wasn't going to be younger.
08:59And the kids needed to keep coming to New Zealand.
09:04And to come into New Zealand, I think they needed to connect with her in a more robust way.
09:09Especially before they got too old, too much into their teenage years.
09:13And just connect a little bit with their culture here in India as well.
09:16And also the businesses seemed to be having a lot of focus on India.
09:21So, we made that decision not to move here.
09:23And it was a good decision.
09:26The kids were here for a couple of years.
09:28I was a schoolgirl.
09:32But it was a very odd situation.
09:34Because here I was immersed in your family, immersed in India.
09:38I was very welcomed.
09:40But at the same time, we never talked about our relationship outside of just the two of us.
09:46The kids didn't mind.
09:47The kids would go off to school and talk about their two mums.
09:50And the weirdest thing was that wherever we went, everybody thought I was the mother of the children.
09:59You know, these kids are very Indian looking kids.
10:01And it doesn't mean that there's no...
10:04Obviously, anyway, we're new kids.
10:06But the funniest thing was that...
10:09So, it must have been...
10:10People must have picked up the relationship between us.
10:13I think the vibes between us.
10:14I remember going to the school.
10:16And I'd been going to school for about six months before the headmistress of that school realised you were the mother and not me.
10:23And it was sort of like...
10:25The vibe that you remember.
10:28Not at all.
10:30But, yeah.
10:31And even going into town, meeting people.
10:34I don't know.
10:35For some reason, I think it was just this sort of connection between me and the kids.
10:39So, what I thought it would be that you're the mother and I had some Indian dad somewhere flunking around.
10:45But it was very...
10:46It was an interesting journey.
10:48But Niklai and I, we lived in New Zealand together with the kids.
10:51It was a completely different society.
10:53We lived in London.
10:54And it's a different society.
10:55Where there is freedom to be.
10:56Whether you're out or you're not out.
10:59You don't have to be out.
11:00You don't have to go around and say, hey, I'm gay, I'm straight.
11:02You're just the person you are.
11:03And people accept you.
11:04Whereas in India, we made the choice to come to India for whatever reasons.
11:08Children, mother, business.
11:11Whatever it was.
11:12We came to India.
11:13And I felt shackled.
11:15I felt that I had to live my life in hiding.
11:18You couldn't go and get a school appointment and put your name.
11:23I couldn't put your name on the school admission form.
11:25I couldn't take you to my family functions and say, hey, this is my partner.
11:28I still can't do that.
11:30So, there are so many things that we chose not to do.
11:33And I was so scared of the abuse.
11:35And I still remember the story breaking last week about who I was and my book coming out.
11:39And I still live in that fear.
11:41Because as much as I believe that society has changed.
11:45The fear.
11:46Because in New Zealand, the people who actually spat on my face were not the Kiwis.
11:50It was the Desis, the Indians who spat on my face.
11:53The Indians who abused me.
11:54So, I still live in fear.
11:56And I don't know how the reaction will be.
11:58I've had beautiful, beautiful reactions to my book, to my story.
12:02A lot of very prominent people have come and backed me.
12:05But I feel that it's a slow journey.
12:08We have to do exactly what we're doing.
12:10Let's love each other the way we do.
12:13Let the society see that it is a beautiful relationship.
12:16And I think over time, people will just learn from this.
12:20And just treat us as two human beings who just love each other.
12:23Yeah, I guess at the end of the day, I mean...
12:27India...
12:30It surprised me though.
12:31India has surprised me.
12:32Because I've seen parts of India that people have really embraced us.
12:37Yeah.
12:38Really, really, really embraced us.
12:40Like you wouldn't believe.
12:43And I guess...
12:47I mean, even going to family functions and stuff.
12:49It was always like...
12:51I would always get invited.
12:52But I would get invited as your best friend or your business partner.
12:55But now, I mean, everybody seems to know.
12:57But now, everybody knows.
12:58Like, it's out there in writing.
13:00And some of your family have come through and supported us.
13:04Of course, we've always known.
13:07But I feel now, at least we can go as partners.
13:10I mean, I think that is great.
13:12And I think that a lot of people have...
13:16I don't know whether we're the first gate...
13:17I doubt whether we're the first gate who have met.
13:19But maybe the first gate who have known of me.
13:24And it's like...
13:27We're not really that abnormal.
13:29I mean, we're just regular people.
13:31No, I don't think we're that abnormal.
13:32No, but we're regular people.
13:34Yeah, regular people.
13:35Who go to...
13:36Who do stuff.
13:37Who've grown up with kids.
13:38The kids are pretty normal.
13:40You know, 14 nights with no friends.
13:42I have to tell you that I still worry that...
13:45You know, if I have a regular straight friend...
13:48Who calls me up and talks to me about...
13:50Dysfunctional behaviours of their children.
13:52Which is normal, right?
13:53Kids have dysfunctional behaviours.
13:55It's fine because straight people, it's all okay.
13:57You're married.
13:58One kid has gone out of control.
14:00It's all okay.
14:01I worry about saying...
14:02Oh, you know what?
14:03I have a similar problem with my children.
14:05Because instantly, it's about...
14:07Two women, they don't have a father in their life.
14:10And that's why they are the way they are.
14:12So, you know, these kind of reactions, we have to stop.
14:14I think that's where the society needs to change.
14:16But you know the funny thing about society?
14:18We live in this house together.
14:20Two women.
14:21No problem getting the NOC and stuff living here.
14:25And the neighbours are all fine.
14:27But the moment a man comes in...
14:31Whether it be one of my brothers...
14:33Or whether it be a friend or something like that...
14:35You can see...
14:36Oh, there's gossip.
14:37Like, what's happening?
14:39I think it's funny, Daniel.
14:40But hey, however...
14:41But it's...
14:42So, it's a little...
14:43Society is a little weird like that.
14:45But I love the world we live in.
14:47I think it's magical.
14:48And I live in hope.
14:50And I'm very grateful to everybody
14:52for giving the love that they've given.
14:54Like I said, people who love me unconditionally,
14:56I love them.
14:57People who don't love me because of the choices I've made,
14:59I love them.
15:00God bless them.
15:01And on that, I have to end this with this.
15:03If we stopped worrying about other people's expectations of us,
15:06our lives would be so much more meaningful.
15:09I love that quote.
15:10Because I'm so fed up, so tired of the expectations
15:14or my expectations of their expectations of me.
15:17Done.
15:18I'm done.
15:19I'm done.
15:20And I'm just about, you know...
15:22I feel that love is love.
15:24And I just absolutely love this life.
15:26And the universe has given me such a beautiful love.
15:29What more can I ask for?
15:31No, really.
15:33That's great.
15:35And I'll love to be here in India.