Tom Segura tells his Ted Cruz story
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Here's what's wild. A current or former United States Senator, I shall not say whom,
00:07lives in my neighborhood. Everybody talks about him. I know which house is his. I'd never met him.
00:12Now I'm home from tour, and I decide to start my day with a morning walk, a casual walk. You know,
00:18I have some coffee. Let's get the day started. I go for a walk. I walk past his house. He comes
00:23outside. I don't say anything, right? But he yells out. He goes, hey, are you the comedian?
00:30I go, yeah. He goes, where do you think the term motherfucker comes from?
00:34Hello, it's nice to meet you. I go, I don't know. He goes, you think it's from people doing that?
00:41I'm like, fucking their moms? And he goes, yeah. I go, I don't know. He goes, how many people do
00:48you think do that? I go, more than you want it to be. He's like, yeah. Then, and I'm not making
00:55this up. I could not make this up. He says to me, how about daughter fuckers? I go, first of all,
01:02that's not an expression that anybody uses, right? No one's like, check out this crazy daughter
01:08fucker over here. I go, if you have kinks, we can talk about them, but not like this. I don't like
01:13this at all. He goes, yeah. And he just turns around and walks into his house. I'm like,
01:19what the fuck was that? So I keep walking, just contemplating every mistake I've ever made
01:26that led me to that conversation. And now I'm walking home. So I walk past his house again.
01:31He comes back outside. He goes, hey, I didn't want it to end like that. That was weird. It was.
01:38He goes, I thought about it. And a motherfucker is not somebody who fucks their own mom. I go,
01:44oh, do tell. He goes, a motherfucker is someone who fucks your mom. He goes, that's the most
01:52disrespectful thing anyone can do. So if somebody is particularly rude, you call them a motherfucker.
02:00And I go, wow. I am so impressed that you put that together so quickly. I can see why you may or may
02:09not be Ted Cruz. And then I walked away. Oops.